IV C

This morning 
Im spending the morning getting an IV of vitamin C, magnesium, and amino acids. In hopes that this will make me feel better. In the past the IV's have helped a lot, my practitioner has been unable to get the glutathione due to company backorder. Which is surprising to me that months later that it is still on back order, but anyway, here we are.
Yesterday at work i used the cold laser on my head for a few minutes to see if that would help, and it did. In the past when anxiety and ocd were severe the laser seemed like it would reduce the severity every time. It works by decreasing inflammation and increasing circulation, which apparently my brain needs.
PANDAS and lyme both cause inflammation in the brain, for one lyme insomnia can be inflammation related. Im wondering if maybe I am going through a PANDAS flair, judging by my symptoms I have been having it wouldnt shock me if the stress from school was causing me to have a flair.
I havent really had any full blown anxiety, but I have noticed I have had a lot of thought fixation, heart racing, fatigue, food tastes bad, low appetite, my stomach has been making weird noises, and I havent felt just right.

Yesterday morning I was feeling terrible, and I was dragging and didnt really want to work or do anything. In the afternoon I did the laser, and by that evening I was feeling much much better and I was able to have fun with some friends. Total flip. Back when I had full on PANDAS I did the laser therapy frequently, I think it may be time to get back to that, at least for the duration of the school year.

I tested myself on the biofeedback machine yesterday, its a machine that can find stresses in the body electronically, my body had stresses towards strep, lyme, chronic inflammation, respiratory virus, and a few other nasty things.
I have been around a bunch of sick people lately, who were diagnosed with a respiratory virus. All over the last two weeks, I partly wonder if maybe my exposure to the virus, could have flipped out my immune system. Instead of me getting a respiratory cough like they did, maybe maybe immune system response made me feel poorly and I ended up with inflammation in my brain instead.
I know in the past when I have had minor symptom flairs, usually it can be traced back to some sick people around me. I dont *normally* get regular sick, like a cold or anything like that. It does happen but not all that often.

I am going Monday to get some blood drawn, its been a while since I have had everything checked out.

Headaches

Ouch

I dont know what ive done, but headaches have been a frequent occurrence for me. Nothing seems to make them completely go away which is also unusual, ive had one all day today, 4 tylenol in so far. A few hours ago I started shaking, and its pretty bad its not just a tremor. Typing is kinda difficult.
Not sure what I did, but I did it!

Yesterday was a decent enough day, I got plenty done and hung out with some friends. It was alright, I wasn't terribly connected but it was fun being out of the house.
I am starting to wonder if I am in some sort of PANDAS flair, though mild. Because over the last few weeks I have been having the PANDAS symptoms. Friday in math class I was nearly crying i was in so much pain. I have been tearing up a lot lately and have been hurting a lot more. My mind hasn't been the greatest, depression has been terrible and I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world.

Ive been contemplating and praying on what I should do to try to fix it, but im not really sure. Ive been taking some natural antibiotics and antiparasitics, they have been giving me a big reaction, so ive dropped back on those. I cant handle a herx right now, but I have been getting in the sauna and I think its been helpful.

Depersonalization

Lets Talk
Ok so my four years or so that I have been writing this blog I have shared (overshared?) on my mental health, which was severely affected by the lyme.

People that know me in person who read this blog, know how secretive I am about all of my mental health issues. Its not that I dont like to talk about it, I just dont want to seem like A complainer. Its easy to over share to a listening ear.
At my worst, I was collapsing from panic and hiding it. I would feel it coming on and I would go hide in the bathroom or shower (if I was home) and wait it out. I was hellbent about letting anyone see my breakdown, Im a save your tears for the pillow kind of person. I think that it is great to have people to share with but I dont think its the greatest to share anything and everything, all the time. Plus I am afraid of letting anyone see me fall apart, why? Not sure.

Earlier this year when I had to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, my brain began recovering and my anxiety began going away as well as my panic and other psychological symptoms. The game began to change and I realized I was beginning to feel like "me" again. I would wake up and I was me, I would go to bed and I was me, I would go to work and I was me. I had forgotten what that felt like, I still dont entirely know how to explain all of it. I dont know how to describe what "I" feel like vs. what "that" felt like. Cold? Dark? Watching from the shadows? Living in a dream? Watching the world go by in technicolor?

I began recovering during the summer and I am still learning to rediscover myself. One odd thing ive done (or at least odd to other people) is that I dont date. At all, ever. Never been on one, never tried. And ive rejected the offers ive gotten (and ive had offers from both genders, but thats a story for another day).
Its scary to look back and realize how much I have forgotten. Its like I can see blank spaces in my memory.
Before the PANDAS I had brain fog and trouble remembering and it was severe at times, but I dont think I felt like I had forgotten chunks of my life.\
Now I think I can say that, now that I have pulled out of the PANDAS nightmare its like I can look back and see myself in this bubble of an outside reality. Its hard to believe that I felt like that, and that my body didnt feel like mine and how I could go to work and function an entirely normal day...except I spent every single minute every day thinking about how I wanted to get out of my body. I wanted to get out of it, I felt cold all the time (emotionally) and I truly didnt enjoy anything.
I had some good days of course, but I had an overwhelming number of scary days where I know that I should have reached out to someone, a professional.

Fast forward to school, this semester. Abnormal psychology class with my favorite teacher ever!
Weekly, we are assigned a case study to read on different mental dissorders. This semester I realised I could relate myself and have a story to tell on probably 85% of the disorders that we covered. OCD, depersonalization, anxiety, panic +agoraphobia, narcissism, phobias, and a few im forgetting.
On the bright side, I did a great job writing and I got some amazing grades and some emails from my professor about how great of a job I have done. But I have talked to her and she knows about my health issues and I have written on them for school, all in all, I learned more about me and the seriousness of what some of what I went through was.
Depersonalisation was one that we covered towards the beginning of the semester, watching the assigned videos and reading the case study was an eye opening moment.
Depersonalization and Multiple personality disorder are related to eachother, usually depersonalsation will happen first and in the worse case scenario a persons personality will split and create "alters" to "protect" them from whatever the initial trauma was.
Multiple personality disorder is extremely rare, <1% of the US population. Often shows up in young kids, not necessarily adults (if I remember correctly).

The class really made me understand what kind of stress my body was under, for me to pull away from "myself" and feel so "gone" and distant, my brain would have had to have been under a heavy assault. I stand in awe today, that I am still here. I am for the most part, OK. Progress is still to be made but ya know what? Im alright.
I thank God. Once again man didn't have any answer as to what was wrong with me and they couldnt see the severity of what was happening to me. I prayed to die, a lot.
Suicide is something that gets covered extensively in any psych class, its a big deal and it is not as uncommon as it should be. I know for a fact that if I did not pray to God and have faith that everything was for a purpose, and that I did not pray for God to lead me through this stronger than when I first started, I would have killed myself. The professor talking about this subject was "triggering" it woke up a lot of thoughts and memories and stirred plenty of emotions. I put myself in the shoes of others, for the "what if" scenario and I did not want to walk that reality.
Thats not what I was put on this earth for.
I learned that if I had been truthful about my psychological stresses to my therapist when I was going, that I would have been put on high risk suicide watch because I met the criteria by 3 fold or so.
One of the questions during this particular lesson was, how many times a day / week do you think about death or suicide.
The "normal" number, was not a very big one at all.
The amount of times a "sick" person who either might or did commit suicide, was a fraction of my number. A small fraction.
In other words, I contemplated death and suicide by conscious thought way more than what was okay (not that any is okay, our thoughts can be sending us a message).
Depersonalization plays into a lot of psych issues including PTSD, depression, MPD, and severe panic or trauma. It is another psychological issue that does not just "happen" and "last", like (unfortunatly) depression or anxiety can.
Anxiety usually comes in a wave, may last minutes or hours, but then at some point it will end and may not happen again for a while. Depersonalisation is kinda like a cloud, it hovers and stays, lasting for days. Weeks. 2 years.
It alters reality and perception, self image and outlook on life.

I now understand why I did not handle lyme the same way as some of the other people I know who have been affected, it was due to PANDAS and severe infectious+autoimmune trauma to my brain and nervous system. I am grateful for my recovery, I am not done yet but I am "me"and I am thankful to God for giving me purpose and giving me the voice to help give others hope. I havent met anyone on this planet yet that hasnt been through SOMETHING that was in need of empathy and understanding.

Why do I bring this up?
Todays post has nothing to do with me, i'm doing alright and today was a good day. I was watching a video on youtube from a person I watch on a frequent ish basis, and this person was talking about why they havent posted anything in a while and it was due to depression, anxiety and depersonalisation.

This person has been on meds for depression for almost a decade, and this year they began to quit working and the replacement meds weren't working either. He talked about depersonalisation and how he felt like he was in a dream, he was talking on the phone with his mom and said it didnt feel like he was even talking on the phone or doing anything. He was just there.
I couldnt help but wonder if he tried alternative medicine like I have, would he be recovering or have answers as to why the drugs stopped working?
Watching him talk about what happened to him woke up some thoughts from class that I thought I should share with you guys. Offer some hope, life can and will get better. I am thankful I only had this for just a few years instead of decades.
I cannot stress enough that help is out there, it just takes a little time and patience to find. Dont ignore what your body is saying, whether it be joint pain from lyme, panic attacks from strep, PTSD from trauma, whatever it may be. Its a side affect of a problem that our bodies are trying to get us to pay attention to, they arent a torture sentence for punishment.

I can easily keep talking about this subject, working around sick people and lyme patients on a frequent basis has opened my eyes towards how common psychological suffering is...and how many different ways it manifests itself.
Its sad that we are all walking this earth together, each one of us fighting a personal battle either small or large, and yet we are all "good" whenever the shallow "how are you?" gets asked.
Love is free, we dont have to understand anything at all to show kindness to someone in need. I talk a good talk when it comes to seeming like I know a thing or two about disease and psychological things, but at the heart of it all I just want to be a caring human who wants to warm someones day. I do not understand what it is like to have cancer, to lose a spouse or a parent, or what it is like to fight in combat, but I can still offer someone a listening ear and the few thoughts I have to share (Im a guy I like to offer a solution, its how im wired).

Anyway, I havent written anything long in a while so I guess its been over due. I wasnt even planning on writing anything today, but thats usually how it goes.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Ponderings

Anxiety Returns
In the last week my anxiety has not been so great, and it isnt the usual "stress" anxiety where my thoughts race and I cant stop thinking about whatever it is thats bugging me (usually school). Its the kind where I feel like nothing is good enough, food doesnt taste right, I dont talk much when Im out with my friends, and my muscles will tense up randomly. I mean tense up hard, not like a cramp, but my fingers and or toes may curl, my calfs and my arms will tighten up and maybe contort into an odd shape thats not exactly "resting".
I dont know how else to explain it, but my body hasnt been happy. School is stressful right now and I have had to get a tutor for one class, and I havent even been able to find a tutor for the other class I need help with. And that is a big deal, I thought that was the only thing causing my PANDAS type anxiety.

Yesterday was a crazy day, it was very reminiscent of how I felt last year when I was doing so terrible. I was tired the whole day, but my brain worked well enough for me to get a lot of homework done (and the homework seemed to make sense), then last night I started feeling worse. With one of my fish tanks, I had a small issue that ended in a wet floor and an annoying mess.
Usually that doesnt stress me out too bad but yesterday It made me mad, I dont normally get mad. I had three tanks set up, one saltwater, one freshwater with just plants (no fish), and then the tank my used to be best friend gave me that had his fish in it (he couldnt take it to college).
I have been way too busy to maintain the tanks, so I decided that the two freshwater tanks needed to go. I texted some pictures to some friends and said whoever can help move them can have them, an hour or two later I was carrying my old best friends tank out with his fish to take over to another friends house (she was friends with him too), and another friend got my plants.
I thought great, two stresses out of my way. I was sad to get rid of the fish, even if I don't talk to that friend anymore, I like fish. I made sure the friend who got the fish was a friend that wouldnt kill it, but still I felt sad.
I was borderline manic yesterday, it was a day I couldn't stop and sit down. I cleaned, I took down and moved a fish tank, I carried 18 gallons of water across my friends yard and up the stairs, in one trip (8.3lbs X 18=149 LBS, I weight 147LBS FYI). All day I constantly felt frustrated and like I needed to be accomplishing something, I couldnt just stop. Yesterday I also had tears in my eyes several times, not crying or upset, it just happened. Which is something else that happened a lot last year and the year before with the whole PANDAS thing.
When I carried the 3 jugs of water into my friends house, in one trip, with one jug handle in each hand and on hanging from my wrist, I knew something wasnt right. I cant normally lift my bodys weight for one, much less carry it around and up stairs, so that was my tip off that I must be having an adrenaline rush or something. The water was so heavy it left a bruise on my wrist where I carried it. Didnt hurt when I carried it yesterday.

Then today, I woke up feeling not so hot. I had math class today and I met with the teacher after for some tutoring, and it went well, stressful but well.
When I got into my car I realised I was about ready for a mental breakdown and I was worn out, not terrible like I used to have happen to me, but I felt it. I had tears in my eyes on my way back to work, again no specific reason. Same thing when I got to work, I had to wipe my eyes with a tissue a few times when I was working.
Then when it was all over and I went home for dinner, I got a notifcation on my phone and all of my emotions from the last week or two made sense.
It was a calendar notification, this day 3 years ago is when my old best friend and I became best friends, its the day we first hung out and I first went over to his house. Every year after we would always do something for fun to celebrate. Except this one. I had forgotten about it, by some miracle. It hadnt even occured to me that today was any other day. But here we are.

I always associate the PANDAS symptoms and that friend together, because I got the PANDAS a few months after I first got to know him and hes the one I always talked to about it (and the only person I felt safe talking to about it because he seemed to get it). So to me it makes sense that those symptoms would coincide with thinking about that friend...
I cant believe that my body is still so...reactive? Im not sure how to word it. I have never been one to be all that attached to people, I have my set people I like and the ones I feel comfortable with, and thats good enough. I dont really strive to make friends with everyone I can at school (in fact some of those people I avoid because I think theyre gross, because well...some college kids are gross).
I dont understand why I cant get over this one person, its been months since Ive spoken to them, I have much better friends that wouldnt ever just drop me off the face of the earth. Im about to facetime one of them in a little bit, and I was facetiming one of them earlier from work.
Im telling myself its related to the PANDAS because of the OCD factor. Not sure if its true or not, because truthfully I dont know.
I even have dreams where I see that friend, usually in the dreams we are just hanging out doing something we used to do. I had two dreams or so last week. I didnt do that when we were friends, like ever at all.

I guess I need to keep on praying. God has gotten me through everything so far and he has placed some amazing people in my life who I love. One day, if its still bugging me and I find myself with free time, maybe I will talk to a counselor about it. I just hate to feel like I have made that big of a deal about this one person or let this person control that much of my life in some way.

It will be interesting to look back this time next year and see whats happening. Ive thought about last year a lot, and I like this one a lot more than the last several. By a ton. Next year is gonna be even better, Ive already decided it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a calendar notification to permanently delete.

Teaching Class

This Week

I helped teach my abnormal psychology class. It was a ton of fun! I had no idea that I would be teaching a portion of the class! So heres the story.

Yesterday morning in class, the teacher wasnt feeling so great. She said "okay, who actually wants to listen to me talk about this powerpoint today? Its not that interesting." Which is highly unusual. So she spent a few minutes talking with all of us and then one guy said "ill teach from the powerpoint". She handed him the projector remote and off he went, using the teachers powerpoint! He spoke for a few minutes, then another girl wanted to jump in so the two of them switched.

5-10 minutes later she asked the class if anyone wanted to take her place, I raised my hand. Next thing I knew I was talking in front of a classroom!

After 5-10 I asked the class who wanted to jump in next? No one raised their hand. The two people before me said "you're doing great this is interesting". I tried a few more times, but before it was all said and done I had taught the class until the very end! I stood in front of a classroom for around an hour going off the teachers power point, talking away! Asking students questions! The teacher had a few videos in the power point for us to watch, so I played those (with a little help from the teacher). At the end of each, I would slide back the video and hold it at a still of the main character from the video and ask the class "okay what'd you notice", which is exactly what our teacher asks when shes teaching. And for the most part the regular talking students played along and made their commentary and pointed out their observations, it was great! (normally our class is very quiet, only a few people are brave enough to speak for some reason)

When I ran out of slides and had no more to say, I asked the students to turn in their attendance notecards and let them know they were free to go.

And then they did it.

I couldnt believe I had just spent my morning teach an upper level psychology class. The class was on ADHD, autism, and Aspergers. 

Because of my work, I have one on one experience with children with all of the above. So I was able to put in my own experience into the class and add to the teachers power point, and I was surprised at how much attention they all payed to me. The teacher is a fantastic teacher, one of my most favorite ever, its easy for her to keep the classes attention (which in any class may not be easy), but I kept them awake LOL

The teacher had a slide labelled "vaccines do not cause autism", I said oh look, we arent going to be talking about this subject in todays class-then I skipped to the next slide.

That is much too complex and deep of a subject to speak on from just one slide. After the class I spoke to the teacher and asked her if she had actually planned any bit of this, and she said nope it was all on the fly and because the first guy offered to teach.

I told her she was brilliant, she was able to sit and watch class while the students taught eachother LOL

I asked her her thoughts on how I did, she told me I did great and she laughed about the vaccine slide. I talked to her briefly on some of the cases ive met where children have gone non verbal after their shots and we both agreed that their are a lot of factors involved.

All in all it was a fun experience, the other two students that taught first, would chime in and help me out and add their thoughts and what they noticed (which was very much appreciated). The first guy at one point went online to find out more information on one of the ladies we watched a video on, who was an adult with Aspergers who was on the X Factor(i think). So he jumped in and informed me and the rest of the class of who this lady was in a bit more detail.'

The second teacher, she would jump in and share some of her experiences during different parts, especially if I asked any questions. She kept the crickets silent for me! I think the three of us made a great team.

Looking Back

Okay so sure, teaching people is cool but WHY is this really all that interesting?

A year ago my anxiety was so bad that I could barely talk to other people, and I almost couldnt talk to strangers at all. Talking to a big group for one would have been out of the picture, for two doing it as a surprise and impromptu without preparation-double anxiety.

PANDAS/strep changed my psychological and social life big time. I stopped connecting with people and I became very anti social, and social anxiety was crippling. You might could even say nightmare inducing. Something big like public speaking would have left me a shaking nervous, stuttering mess last year and the year before. And I probably would have left after class, gotten into my car, and reclined while my body shook and cried until I could drive home. 

But no, I did it without thinking twice and I enjoyed it! For me, this is a big personal victory.

It helped that this was a subject that I have personal experience with. OCD plays a lot into people with Autism spectrum, they tend to have a lot of fixations. Well heck I know what thats like! So it made it easier for me to talk about and put into my own words instead of just reading it off the slide.

Adrenal Test

Hormones and Adrenals
This last month has really been up and down, ive had some decent days and some not so hot. A couple nights ago I slept terrible, I woke up a bunch of times and dragged through the whole day.
Last night I fell asleep early around 11;30pm. I remember being awake listening something car related on youtube, and then I remember waking up at some point to close my laptop. Then I woke up for the day and today was a decent day!
I woke up without my alarm, even fell asleep before setting my alarm actually. Why I fell asleep at a decent hour? No idea. I felt worn out yesterday and dragged further down as the day went on.
Then today I felt decent.

The full moon was the day before yesterday, that had something to do with it im sure.

I got my saliva adrenal and hormone results back today! I think I mentioned in my last post that I was having those checked. My adrenals are only beginning of phase 1 fatigue, meaning only very mildly worn out. Morning, daytime, and afternoon cortisol is good, night time is a little bit low.
Low cortisol at night can disrupt sleep and blood sugar, which is why I sleep better when I eat at night, especially my protein shake before bed. This was pretty exciting news. Turns out my body is working and my exercise isn't wearing me out!
Not that I am exercising this deep into the school year, only my patience is being exercises really. But. I did a lot during the summer and I will be getting back to it! Just gotta pass chemistry.

My hormones were also normal, my estrogen was in the normal male rage, same with progesterone, and the ratio between the two was fine. Testosterone was mid normal range, a little higher may be beneficial for someone as young as me but its normal none the less. Plus I take a supplement to help with testosterone. I notice it really helps my mood over time.

I have some blood tests I need to get done, but I just havent had the time to get it drawn since Im in school 5 days a week. At some point soon I will have that checked too.

A few years ago I was at stage 3 adrenal fatigue, which is the worst it can be. I didn't have much room to work with because they were so severe, but progress has been made.

In Other News
One of the doctors I work with was bitten twice this summer by ticks.
The first time she thought it was a mole, so she put a bandaid on it and kept it for 10 days. (OUCH!)
She took supplements and saw her acupuncturist, and she said she thought she was fine. Towards the end of the summer when she was bitten again, she started to go down hill. She cut back her work schedule and had to call out of work a few times, went to the hospital once. To us with lyme and who get it, we see someone like this and say "been there done that".
The hospital did exactly what you would expect with someone with lyme, "you have what?" "we cant find anything wrong with you"
let me pretend to put on my shocked face.

Well on this last friday, she went to an ILADS LLMD,I went with her for the first 30 min of her appointment (but had to leave for school).
I loved the doctor, this lady for sure knows her stuff and sounds like she is the real deal. She works with pharmaceuticals and supplements, she even said that the gut must be made right first if you want the rest of the body to heal. Gut first brain second, I thought that was interesting but it made sense. A lot of our immune system comes from our stomach.
During the appointment my friend (the sick one) said "I didnt really actually believe that people really felt this sick when they complained about lyme, or that they actually had all of these symptoms"
and she looked at me when she said that.
I thought "woman youve known me since I was 10 years old and you question how ive felt the last almost decade????" but I was good and kept my mouth shut. I knew this woman was about to get antibiotics and discover what a real herx felt like, in which I would probably feel really bad when I see how terrible she feels. Shes been taking some herbs for lyme but shes continued down hill, so obviously its not enough. The LLMD, who works with dr. Horowitz in NY, prescribed her malarone, LDN, and hydroxychloroquin. Which is primarily for bartonella and babesia.
She picked up the meds today, Im waiting to see how she does on them. Or if she really even takes them, doctors usually make the worst patients.
I love the woman to death and she has good reason for her apprehension of the prescription medicines due to some of her past health issues, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and hope for the best. Or as I like to put it, have some faith.
Im not a fan of prescriptions, but this is the doc that we in our area have access too and shes reasonably affordable and reasonably local to drive too. Most people cant say that. Plus this doctor has a decent education in the alternatives it seems and said herself that antibiotics without probiotics can be a death sentence. Which I would thank could be true if you end up with chronic gut issues from too many drugs. I didnt get to stay for all of the conversation, but she said the drugs arent a cure all.

Ive been really pushing her to do her research, and she really has started to get education on lyme and its co infections. Im impressed. I can see that shes having brain fog and memory issues, im not so sure she can see it. Ive noticed her mood has changed and shes been a bit more sassy and short tempered with people on occasion (nothing extreme. just not her normal). I just hope that she realises that lyme is complex and some people really do struggle a lifetime with it. Her sister in law also has it and has to change clothes 1-3 times a night due to sweating (SOAKING) them during her sleep. And my friend didnt realise the severity of that, even though ive been waiving the big red flag for her sister in law telling her about how terrible her sweating is at night. I swear one day someone will listen to me LOL. The same LLMD told her sister in law that she has a long journey ahead and its going to be a while before she gets better. Her sister in law and I are two peas in a pod when it comes to talking about fatigue and not sleeping and all the peculiar symptoms, I can tell she gets it (which I knew, that meant she had it!).
My friend was DX'd with lyme, babesia, and bartonella. The sister in law was DX'd with RMSF (per + on blood), lyme, and bartonella. Im very interested to see their futures unfold with treatment.

Its been unreal how many people I have met who have lyme this year, some just infected. It must have been a very very severe year for vector borne disease...