Yesterday was a very long day. I was busy from the early morning until about midnight. Anyone suffering with chronic disease can tell you this, long activities take it out of a person.
I woke up feeling good and stayed that way throughout the day. I had fatigue and upper back pain but otherwise not bad, my blood pressure stayed up, no noticeable tremors, no nausea really. All good things.
At the end of the day, reality always returns. I felt good right up until I pulled into the garage late last night, as soon as I tried to get out of the car, my left side became weak, my joints began to hurt, and the soreness began. The adrenaline high, was over, back to my reality.
This is something I try to ignore, I like to keep my mind on the better side of the day. The adrenaline high from knowing that I have responsiblities that must be accomplished for other people, keeps me from giving out. I like being able to hide my symptoms good enough that other people can't outright see that I am sick. I have not been able to rely on many people since I've been sick, only other sick people seem to understand. I like being someone to rely on, I want to be there for other people. It gives me joy.
I can fake it for a while, but the adrenaline high is in no way permanent. When the fun and games is over, I turn back into a sick pumpkin and hit the bed.
I do try not to dwell on it, but it is a fact that shouldn't be denied. I want other people to understand this, we all want to live a normal life. Most chronically ill people keep information about their illness to themselves, other people cannot understand something they have never experienced. Its not the flu, we compare it to the flu but its not the same. Diseases cannot be compared, cancer isn't the same as ALS, lyme disease isn't the same as tuberculosis, a car accident injury isn't the same as a common cold. While these can all be horrible, horrible illnesses, they all feel different. On paper they may have similar symptoms but they each feel different.
Some things have just been bothering me lately, this is one of them. I can fake being normal about 95%, I never get told I look sick. I cant fake everything though...Like fatigue, it shows in my dulled emotions, I cannot fake excitement that I don't feel.
One thing that bothers me is my strength, even though I feel better than last year in some ways, my body doesn't feel stronger.
Last year bicycling was my only exercise I could do. During the summer I bicycled about 80 miles. My neighborhood is around a mile long, so I would (on the good days) just do one round through the neighborhood, simple enough. It felt good to be able to do this.
This year was not the same, I may have cycled 5 miles. That's a huge difference. That means I only went out about 5 times...last year 80, this year 5...what happened??
Its like that with any form of exercise, I have tried doing other simple things like push ups, sit ups, lifting small 5lb weights, I could never do any exercise consistently. I want to, I feel like I need to, my body on the other hand, says no.
This drives me crazy, my hands and fingers are noticeably getting weaker, its not very fast but its happening.. Same with my legs and back.
I wish I knew of something that could help this, but I don't. It just is what it is, and I keep moving on.
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