Kinda Paranoid and also Kinda the Flu...

So I came home with a something from my trip last week...and it may be the flu.
Saturday I was very sick, sweating, chills, fever, nausea, didn't feel like eating, coughing, sounds about like the flu. I took a bunch of things, Sunday was better, and Monday I was almost back to normal. Whatever I took helped for sure.

Now I just have this lingering fatigue and cough. As usual with this fatigue I get this depression, that leaves me thinking.
Whenever I get depressed it's like I'm stuck in my head. I'm too tired to do something to keep myself distracted. But of course I'm no near tired enough to actually take a nap. I've got energy, I'm stuck in my head, I don't feel like actually doing anything....recipe for disaster.

I know this time it was just a little bug, may not have even been the flu. I only picked the flu because everyone in my family has had it recently, must be my turn I guess.
But what about next time, I have tried so hard to get over this Lyme disease and all of its co infections, what if I had to start back from ground zero. Full symptoms and no doctor, what if I had to do that again. Can I even do that again? Physically what would happen? My brain is already shot. I already know it will probably be the last of my organs to get back to what it should be doing(like right now I should be asleep, but this is the best thinking I've done all day). It takes nerves up to 8 years to heal, if I can get may brain in the repair stage before the year is over it would still be 2024 before my brain and the rest of my nervous system is healed.

In the accident that triggered this illness I stretched the nerve in my left arm, lost feeling in all my fingers. It's five years later and feeling is back significantly but overall dulled. That's just one nerve that wasn't broken, I know the Lyme has impeded healing but still.

I mean common sense tells me my brain is fine it's just neurotoxins. Once my body isn't infected and toxic it will work just like it should. The thing is I just don't know.

My muscles and my stomach have taken a beating. Now that I am doing better I've been looking back on what's changed. My muscles have changed. Very much shrunken and I can't exercise.

Yesterday I took a home stomach acid test dr.Jowdy told me to do. I had to drink a water/baking soda solution right after getting up, if it took longer than five minutes to belch the stomach isn't producing a significant amount of acid. I never belched or burped. So as per his instructions I ordered some betaine hcl to take with meals. This would explain why I don't feel like eating, food doesn't leave my stomach, I feel it all day long. It could also explain why I did so well last week on all of the junk food, it's already broken down into nothing.
Anyway, Amazon said my HCL will be here by 8pm tomorrow. I'll report back with results.

Now that I got a little sidetracked, here's why I went from talking about my muscles to my stomach. I think that maybe because I'm always trying to digest food(I don't cycle through full/empty between meals) and not actually getting the nutrients, my muscles don't have the nutrients they need to build themselves. Trying the HCL will be interesting, maybe this will be affected.

All of this has just been running through my mind. Like what if I don't actually get well. What if all of these remedies are just a band aid and making me feel better for the time being. What if I do get better for a while then it all comes back and I don't have access to the Hansa Center or any natural Doctor that I like? I would have to live through the herxing again and not knowing if this antibiotic was going to do anything, just hoping that this one or this combo was the one to help me get better(again). What if after all this I get something else and have to learn an all new disease and find a new doctor? Just over and over I keep thinking about these what if questions.

I know I could do it again. I haven't even finished this time around but I have faith that I will, but my mind keeps my head spinning.

I guess after all this there will be a lot to remember, good and bad.