It's the 4th of July and...

I feel like crap...

That's the simplest way to put it that is. It's late at night/early in the am, I'm wide awake. Last week I finished the Brain Wave Optimization, the only change I noticed is I have a little more focus and alertness during the day. Sleep is more less, unchanged. The night time depression that comes and goes is still goin....

I hadn't really had it too much until after last week. The BWO may have stirred something up. Lately I've been analyzing life, goals for the summer and the like. So far I'm not impressed with what's been going on...
I have almost finished 1 library book, I have not found a job, I don't feel any better now that I'm out of school, and my sense of accomplishment is about 0!
I thought that maybe after school was out my body would perk up, because that stress was over. Nope. No change. I felt more productive doing school.


Work-I thought it would be great to find a summer job. I would love some more work experience, because I have very little. I have searched and spoken to people, at this moment my only real option is working at a fast food restaurant...I cannot eat the food and I don't support the business...fast food is one of the few jobs I just would rather not think of as an option. I'm not a picky person, but right now I cannot find anything else. Not even Walmart. I checked. Many times.

I did find one job and sent in an application, I don't have high hopes. I went into the place and asked about the job. They weren't even sure the job was open, they would have to get back to me later this week. I gave them my number and name, with hopes, but that can't be a good sign if they don't even know if they have a job.
It's a business I would rather not support, but it is something I would at least half way enjoy(and it isn't fast food).

Anyway, to my point...

Can I tell you what Lyme disease does to self worth?? Kills it, dead. If you can't work, can't accomplish anything but read, and you can't even exercise, how do you build yourself up? I sure can't. The only thing I do is hang out with friends, when they aren't working.
Lyme disease has burnt out my brain. It's hard for me to even think about work, I can hardly do math(some days I can't at all), focus comes and goes, and energy can disapear in an instant. If I were to put anything about my personal life on a résumé they would probably send it back thinking it was a joke...
Can't do math, may not actually be able to work, may forget task at hand-doesn't scream worker of the year does it?

I know I work hard. I had to work hard to find out what was wrong with me, when no one else could. (Guess job experience doesn't teach common sense, at least to doctors) I have to work to go to sleep. Reading is a significant amount of work, just to focus on the page and actually finish the book. Being sick every day, is a job on its own. Sadly it doesn't pay and other people don't think much of the experience gained from being sick.
It all has to be personal gains, and anything I can possibly share with other people who suffer.

I know deep in my heart, if it was my time to be doing something different-I would be. God has a plan, a plan that is usually different than the agenda we create. But it's hard to watch other people make something of themselves, and my accomplishment is I just about have the tv lineup memorized....

There isn't a great deal of summer left, college starts next. More school will equal more stress, if I don't watch it I will make myself sick. Lyme+stress is a dangerous combination (I can already hear people who've experienced this agree).
I don't have a choice, I have to keep going. I have to get something accomplished. The personal victories just don't seem to mean anything to other people.

Life is funny