Claustrophobic

Lately I’m just feeling trapped. Like nothing at all is going right and nothing will ever change. I’m just stuck in my own skin with my own set of issues that no one can seem to help me with. I don’t get it.
Everytime I try to find something to be positive about, something worse happens. Whenever I start to feel a little better something new comes up. I started skipping doses off my meds, instead of taking the anti parasitics twice a day I’m doing it once now. It was just getting way to overwhelming for me to handle, I’ve never done this before. I’ve always been able to power through feeing worse and herxes. But daily life is just getting too extreme and unenjoyable for me to handle. I’m only human and my human weakness is only showing brighter these days.
My depression has virtually gone away since I started reducing my meds, I wasn’t feeling too bad for a few days last week. I liked it, I praised God for the break. But now agitation and aggravation has taken the place of depression. I’m constantly annoyed and nothing ever feels good enough. At night I lay awake listening to all of my thoughts about why I’m not good enough and that if I tried harder I wouldn’t feel so sick. If I wasn’t so needy I wouldn’t be so discontent. If I was appreciative I would be happy and grateful for what I have. If I didn’t screw up so much good things would actually happen. Instead I attract bad things and failures because I don’t work hard enough and I don’t do everything like I should.

I can’t get away from all this. I can always find a reason for something not going my way. The biggest thing bugging me right now is my best friend told me he can’t come to Kansas to be with me during treatment. He’s getting his wisdom teeth taken out instead, not fun at all for him either. But out of all the times to schedule it had to be then...on top of that another friend of mine will be having foot surgery while I’m at the clinic next. So I’ll have two friends going under the knife while I’m in Kansas and I won’t be able to be there for them either. They’ll be knocked out while I’m getting sick from treatment so I won’t have anyone to talk to...and I won’t be able to be around them because I’m in another state. It’s just screwed up.
I’m not looking forward to more treatment...I can’t comtinue on with this herxing. Going back will mean new meds and more herxing. If I’m still herxing this bad from my last round of supplements I know I still have a ways to go...

It just bugs me so much how everyone else can do enjoyable things, or find enjoyment in anything...while I’m trying to enjoy anything at all. I have a fun job and I have great friends, even though these days they are rather hard to access. It shouldn’t be seemingly impossible to smile. Why do I have to be agitated all the time?
I don’t know what I could do differently...but I’m obviously doing it all wrong....