Oftentimes I look out in to the distance and I realize something
I can’t control the fact that I’m looking out into the distance. And I can’t help where my mind wanders during that time. And I think, hmm....when did this start?? I used to have such a good brain with concentration and memory and the whole nine yards!
I used to be able to read for hours and hours and not stop until I had to go to bed! As time goes on, reading seems like rocket science.
I can’t stare at a page long enough and even then I may not even remember the words I read.
Again. This has been going on a while but really only recent that I realized that my mind was this level of hijacked.
I have been asking the Lord for so long to point me towards a direction of healing. I ask God to show me that this is all for a reason and I don’t just sufferer for the sake of hurting. I have faith that in the end nothing is an accident. I know I will be totally healed by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ one day, this life or the next. I know that he has me in this life and that any pain I feel will be temporary. It just may not seem so temporary right now.
Me and the Lord have been having a lot of conversations lately if you can’t tell. I am really getting to the point where I have realized the severity of my psychological health. I realize that something severe has happened to my mind and it’s not just some plain Jain depression. I can’t think like myself anymore, my brain won’t let me do so many things. Let me tell you something it sure ain’t for lack of trying!! I try to read all the time and I do successfully read short things. I try to feel joy and peace, and I do but they tend just be short moments for whatever reason unbeknownst to me! I want to feel joy in my life but it is currently Gods plan to learn what life would be without joy. Is it there? Yes. Can I feel it? Ok maybe not so well but it’s there.
I may have possibly reached some answers for some prayers. I have for so long now prayed for my way to end the pain. In time I have realized that even though I would never kill myself or anything so extreme, I have come to think about the subject much more often than I really appreciate. I’d rather not have the feeling of wanting to die to reach escape. I have so many aspirations in life and I know that no matter what situation I am placed in, it will work out for my best. I have had many enjoyable moments living in a sick world. I have had many deep spiritual conversations with people that I would have without a doubt never had if Lyme had never happened.
Like anyone else I’d prefer to not live in some form of chronic pain! Whether it be physical or mental.
See! I got distracted again.
Ok. Answer to prayers. Hurrying it up here.
I have been having some different talks with people and I have been reading a book. I have found a clinic that specializes in brain Spectography which can actually take images of my entire brain and see exactly what is and isn’t working properly. On top of that I will be tested at rest and at work, so the dr can see the change in function.
I have been given the referral to this doctor so that I can begin testing. In the next few days it is possible that my appointment will be setup. This clinic is also Lyme educated, strep educated, as well as some other out of the box scenarios that can affect mental health. They even know a thing or two about chronic insomniacs!
If I can get some sleep out of this, it will be worth it!! I didn’t sleep right even before Lyme.
This clinic is pro natural, so they use supplements, diet, and exercise. They do have the ability to prescribe, though it is not their first preference. I would prefer to never take a drug again, but I am at my wits end. I just feel floaty-boats-lost in space all the time.
I miss my personality! I remember myself as a happy fun person (with a smidge or nerd I’ll admit). I’d like to be that person again!!
I just wanted to share that I will be trying some new things soon...
It’s time that my body get back to living healthy and not living to attempt healthy. I don’t like feeling like I am one of those people who claims their illness. Lyme does not have me, Lyme is just living in my space without permission for the moment being. It is unwelcome in my body, my mind, and my life.
I eat healthy to treat my body right, not to be a snob or be picky. I like Cheetos and Oreos like anyone else I promise. But I don’t like how they make me feel so no, I won’t eat them. (Yes I know people who eat food all the time they know makes them sick. Apparently it’s not a no brainer)
I am excited. It does not sound like a long drawn out process for working towards a solution. Won’t be instant of course and will require work. If it requires excercise...oh boy...that will be HARD work for me! My body despised it for some reason.
But if I’m told to run I’ll run. If I’m told to do stretches I’ll stretch. If the doctor can tell me a comprehensive plan and what all everything will do for me, I’ll work to make it happen.
I am probably looking at a few months before returning to normal but I do know that some things could help right off the bat.
The ball just needs to get rolling.
I’ll post more when I have more information on the psychiatrist booked.
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Rough Night
Well I am here to report my trip has ended, I am heading on back to my own home. I am so sad to go, it was an amazing fantastic visit. Lots of emotions due to the occasion, I cannot understand what my friend is going through. I don’t have the magic words or magic wand to make things all better. Today is his moms anniversary. I am sad I was only able to spend part of the day with him, but I am even more grateful that I was able to be here for the whole weekend! It was worth every bit of spoons I exerted and every bit of stress it took to get to him.
I’m going to miss him. At baggage check I was tearing up in the airport, I felt so dumb for being upset already. I’ll probably see him in a month. Not for the same extent but I may.
Last night I had a lovely Lyme episode. I was in my friends dorm room waiting on him to get off work, his roommate and friends were also in the room playing video games. I started feeling kinda funky. Dizzy but not exactly. I’ve never experienced it before, this was new. After my friend came back to the room I started feeling light headed so I sat on the ground while he did what he needed to do. When it was time to head on to the car and go back to the hotel for the night, it got worse. We made it through the dorm and down the sidewalk before I started feeling worse. I told myself I could make it to the car and hotel. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t okay, this weekend was about my friend not about my Lyme crap. I said to myself that if it gets much worse I’ll get my friends attention , he will do something to help. I couldn’t open my mouth before I hit the ground. I had been walking in between my friend and another friend. Next thing I knew my knees were kissing the sidewalk. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was so embarresed and I didn’t want anyone to see. My best friend helped me back to the car. He stayed with me until I could walk normally. He prayed over me.
I’ve been off ever since then. Especially emotionally. My brain is scrambled eggs and I’m emotional. I know it’s temporary though. That scared me though, I don’t know what happened. I think it was anxiety. I’ll talk to my therapist later.
I’m going to miss him. At baggage check I was tearing up in the airport, I felt so dumb for being upset already. I’ll probably see him in a month. Not for the same extent but I may.
Last night I had a lovely Lyme episode. I was in my friends dorm room waiting on him to get off work, his roommate and friends were also in the room playing video games. I started feeling kinda funky. Dizzy but not exactly. I’ve never experienced it before, this was new. After my friend came back to the room I started feeling light headed so I sat on the ground while he did what he needed to do. When it was time to head on to the car and go back to the hotel for the night, it got worse. We made it through the dorm and down the sidewalk before I started feeling worse. I told myself I could make it to the car and hotel. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t okay, this weekend was about my friend not about my Lyme crap. I said to myself that if it gets much worse I’ll get my friends attention , he will do something to help. I couldn’t open my mouth before I hit the ground. I had been walking in between my friend and another friend. Next thing I knew my knees were kissing the sidewalk. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was so embarresed and I didn’t want anyone to see. My best friend helped me back to the car. He stayed with me until I could walk normally. He prayed over me.
I’ve been off ever since then. Especially emotionally. My brain is scrambled eggs and I’m emotional. I know it’s temporary though. That scared me though, I don’t know what happened. I think it was anxiety. I’ll talk to my therapist later.
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Emotions All Around
Greetings! I have good things to report this weekend!
I am spending the weekend with my bestest friend at his college with him. I haven’t seen him in two months! And it’s been a hard painful two months! I’ve missed him so much. Being sick for years made me realize that most people aren’t worth being friends with. People have no compassion, no real life goals, they lose their faith in God and become lukewarm. They just become so plain bagel, achieving so little in their life. Those people are so hard to be friends with, they aren’t real.
But not my best friend. He’s a human being with goals he’s working his tail off to achieve, he has actual feelings, he strives to be the best he can he doesn’t just settle for whatever is easiest. That’s probably why him and I get along so well! We are both hard workers and real thinkers!
I head back home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I like his friends here and I like being with him here at his school. I’ve only been here a night and I feel more at home here, in a strange bed and a strange place, than I have ever felt in my own bed in my own house. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know why. Maybe I just hate being away from my friend.
I don’t know when I’ll get to see him after tomorrow. Maybe thanksgiving.
I’m laying in his bed right now waiting on him to get off work. I have a special surprise for him, tomorrow is the 11th anniversery of his moms death. They call it Grape Day because synthetic grape flavor was her favorite. In commemoration they consume grape things that she loved. One of these things is grape soda, which my friend hates but because of his mom, he loves it once a year. So tonight at midnight I’m going to surprise him with some grape soda.
He’s stressed and upset out of his mind this weekend. Memories are hitting him hard. If I could take the pain away I would. I wish I could. I don’t want to see him hurting so badly. His mom was an awesome woman, she did it all. She loved everyone. And my friend has a lot of her qualities, which draw him close to the memories of his mom. It amazes me to no end.
So if you could all keep him in your prayers this weekend. He’s got the biggest heart I know, so when it breaks like this-it breaks.
I wish I could stay longer to comfort him.
I almost feel wrong for leaving tomorrow but I have no choice....
I am spending the weekend with my bestest friend at his college with him. I haven’t seen him in two months! And it’s been a hard painful two months! I’ve missed him so much. Being sick for years made me realize that most people aren’t worth being friends with. People have no compassion, no real life goals, they lose their faith in God and become lukewarm. They just become so plain bagel, achieving so little in their life. Those people are so hard to be friends with, they aren’t real.
But not my best friend. He’s a human being with goals he’s working his tail off to achieve, he has actual feelings, he strives to be the best he can he doesn’t just settle for whatever is easiest. That’s probably why him and I get along so well! We are both hard workers and real thinkers!
I head back home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I like his friends here and I like being with him here at his school. I’ve only been here a night and I feel more at home here, in a strange bed and a strange place, than I have ever felt in my own bed in my own house. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know why. Maybe I just hate being away from my friend.
I don’t know when I’ll get to see him after tomorrow. Maybe thanksgiving.
I’m laying in his bed right now waiting on him to get off work. I have a special surprise for him, tomorrow is the 11th anniversery of his moms death. They call it Grape Day because synthetic grape flavor was her favorite. In commemoration they consume grape things that she loved. One of these things is grape soda, which my friend hates but because of his mom, he loves it once a year. So tonight at midnight I’m going to surprise him with some grape soda.
He’s stressed and upset out of his mind this weekend. Memories are hitting him hard. If I could take the pain away I would. I wish I could. I don’t want to see him hurting so badly. His mom was an awesome woman, she did it all. She loved everyone. And my friend has a lot of her qualities, which draw him close to the memories of his mom. It amazes me to no end.
So if you could all keep him in your prayers this weekend. He’s got the biggest heart I know, so when it breaks like this-it breaks.
I wish I could stay longer to comfort him.
I almost feel wrong for leaving tomorrow but I have no choice....
Friday, October 19, 2018
Forgot to Sleep
Sleeping
I’m told is very important for physical and mental health. Honestly I’m just living on faith that that’s true the truth. Insomnia, what can I say, I’ve NOT slept more in my life than I have slept. Just is what it is. Haven’t figured out the magic code for that one yet. Recently I asked my doctor to let me try a sleeping drug again to see if I could find some relief. In the past I’ve had ambien and restoril, with rather lacking results. That was probably three years ago. This time she gave me Lunesta!
Much to my dismay, the green Lunamoth from the commercial isn’t real. I took the drug two nights in a row. She told me my dose was a higher one because of my history with lackluster results with prescriptions. It actually helped me sleep! First time for everything! Now this is where a regular person would cheer and say whoohoo the medicine works! But. I ain’t a regular person. Did I sleep better ?? Sure did. Did I feel better? Oh no. No no. I was completely zombiefied the next day both days. It made me depressed and just completely brain dead.
Needless to say...I’ve already taken a hiatus from the new drug. Unfortunately I feel and function better on no sleep than I do with sleep(induced by meds). One day when I don’t have anything to worry about the following day, I’m going to give a 1/2 or 1/4 dose a shot to see if that gives me fewer side effects. I don’t even like taking prescriptions, but it would be so nice just to have something to rescue me on one of those *extra* bad nights when I’m still 1000% wide awake at 5:00am. It happens!!
For those of you in the crowd wondering, and yes there’s always one of you out there to ask me this question. Yes I have tried melatonin. No it didn’t work. Yes I tried taking more or taking less. I didn’t sleep earlier or harder, it just made me more tired the next day.
The last two nights for me have been borderline tragic. I don’t know if I would say I’ve even slept, just dozed. The next day always feels like a continuation of the day before...I hate those days.
The strange part is how okay it is though, I have the same amount of energy as normal. Maybe a little less, and certainly less brain power. But I’ve aced tests in school on 0% sleep. So that should tell you how active my brain will stay even in the most sleep deprived of states.
Honestly I think I if I slept like a normal human being I would have the energy to do things like exercise and exert energy. Wouldn’t shock me at all if my chronic always awakeness was contributing to the cause of me not being able to exert myself.
This weeks sleep, er lack of sleep, has led me to beginning to feel ill. This evening I had a headache and my sinuses acting up. Oh dear. Just what I need, a sinus bug! The ibuprofen took care of the headache. I’m hoping my vitamins and natural antibiotics knock out any possible infection. I just don’t want to get sick! No no no!
Normally I stay on a low dose of a natural antibiotic called Biocidin. I keep on it as it’s a good anti strep anti fungal, two things I struggle with. Well two days ago I had the bright idea that maybe this Biocidin was possibly causing me to feel worse. Maybe it was stirring up to much in my system. So I said hey, I don’t take that much anyway I’m going to take a break. The last two days that I’ve been off the supplement, I’ve felt fairly good. I’ve had some more energy and stamina. This evening though, I decided it wasn’t worth getting sick so I restarted the med. I’m hoping that I caught it in time, if I ever get strep my psychological state sufferers. It has been suffering today like it does when I get exposed to strep. For whatever reason, something that I’ve noticed that will happen is I’ll get intrusive scary thoughts, like imagining myself getting hit by another car running through an intersection. I recognize that this isn’t normal and it isn’t exactly my normal either...thought I’ve had intrusive thoughts many times even for long periods. It mostly disappeared after I treated strep several months back.
Now...I just gotta catch up and make sure nothing can take hold! I prefer my head on my shoulders rather than up there in the fluffy clouds.
I started 5 drops of Biocidin, 1 teaspoon of vitamin C powder, 10,000 IU of Vit D, and a fair dose of vitamin A. Plus I gargled some salt water.
If I could get some sleep I think this bug wouldn’t have a chance !! So tonight, I’m praying for some zzz’s!!
Monday, October 15, 2018
Head Above Water
The Song
Avril Lavigne has written a song that has recently become the anthem of my life. When she released Head Above Water a few weeks ago I fell in love instantly. I was a fan of hers pre my lyme and pre her lyme.
When she contracted Lyme a few years back and had the interview where she busted out in tears, I knew that she "got it". It was obvious that being sick struck a chord, which lead to her fighting back. I cannot help but admire her fighting spirit! She isn't a victim, she's out there helping victims. Thats not the most common feature found in the lyme community. Often lyme sufferers are left lacking support. There are very few foundations and fundraisers to help spread awareness and give support to those in need. But Avril seems to be putting in an effort to bring Lyme out of the shadows and make it public.
The new song Head Above Water was very inspirational for me to hear. Its one of those songs that manages to pull some of those fighting emotions out, along with a few tears. The song is so sincere and visceral. " Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for, I don't want less I don't want more"....This line alone is a prayer I have prayed many nights, asking God to just give me my life to live to take me out of my misery.
"God keep my head above water"...I think drowning fits the feeling most of us with chronic illness feel. I know I have used the word drowning many times on this blog.
"Im too young to fall asleep"...I think this line says it all for itself. I was young when I became ill. I was about 13-14 when I came to grips with dying sooner rather than later. I was sure that my body was slowly giving out. When I was 15 I really bottomed out and I thought (also read hoped)that I was coming closer to the end. Even today some days I feel almost feeble. I can go from being active and happy to weak and confused. Some days I feel like gravity is causing my entire body to cave in.
All through it though, I have asked God that if meant to be, that I live longer and that my illness serve a purpose to others and that I waste nothing.
As you can see this song means a ton to me. It resonated very deeply with how Ive personally felt.
I have shared this song with everyone I can think of, even teachers at school!
It accurately displays how i've felt throughout my journey of chronic illness, thats for sure. Asking God to pull me up from the depths has probably been a daily prayer for years now.
If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend it!
Avril Lavigne has written a song that has recently become the anthem of my life. When she released Head Above Water a few weeks ago I fell in love instantly. I was a fan of hers pre my lyme and pre her lyme.
When she contracted Lyme a few years back and had the interview where she busted out in tears, I knew that she "got it". It was obvious that being sick struck a chord, which lead to her fighting back. I cannot help but admire her fighting spirit! She isn't a victim, she's out there helping victims. Thats not the most common feature found in the lyme community. Often lyme sufferers are left lacking support. There are very few foundations and fundraisers to help spread awareness and give support to those in need. But Avril seems to be putting in an effort to bring Lyme out of the shadows and make it public.
The new song Head Above Water was very inspirational for me to hear. Its one of those songs that manages to pull some of those fighting emotions out, along with a few tears. The song is so sincere and visceral. " Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for, I don't want less I don't want more"....This line alone is a prayer I have prayed many nights, asking God to just give me my life to live to take me out of my misery.
"God keep my head above water"...I think drowning fits the feeling most of us with chronic illness feel. I know I have used the word drowning many times on this blog.
"Im too young to fall asleep"...I think this line says it all for itself. I was young when I became ill. I was about 13-14 when I came to grips with dying sooner rather than later. I was sure that my body was slowly giving out. When I was 15 I really bottomed out and I thought (also read hoped)that I was coming closer to the end. Even today some days I feel almost feeble. I can go from being active and happy to weak and confused. Some days I feel like gravity is causing my entire body to cave in.
All through it though, I have asked God that if meant to be, that I live longer and that my illness serve a purpose to others and that I waste nothing.
As you can see this song means a ton to me. It resonated very deeply with how Ive personally felt.
I have shared this song with everyone I can think of, even teachers at school!
It accurately displays how i've felt throughout my journey of chronic illness, thats for sure. Asking God to pull me up from the depths has probably been a daily prayer for years now.
If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend it!
October Update 2018
Updates 10-15-18
Hey you guys, I know im staying rather quiet these days but I promise its because im staying busy and feeling well enough to stay busy!
It has been a long while since Ive given an actual update as to how I am doing. Ive written several (ok maybe dozens) of emotional posts about this and that and how my emotions seem to successfully screw things up. But those posts are a bit misleading as to how I am doing overall. Yes, emotions of mine do get in the way a lot. Yes I believe they stem from something with some chronic illness of mine, possibly lyme or possibly due to a strep infection. But no, I do actually live. I work 20-25 hours a week, I go to school full time, I have some hobbies that take up a fair bit of time and energy (this blog being one) and I have a social life. I try my absolute best to never find myself bored, I find that if I get bored ill just spiral into depression (even if just for a matter of hours). Depression is one of the most horrible things out there in my opinion, if going out with some friends, reading, working on my car, working, or even-dare I say it-homework...keep me far away from feeling depressed than so be it!
Symptoms as of 10-15-18
Insomnia-this one is pretty bad. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being worst, Im a 6 on a fantastic night, 9 on a horrible night, and about 8 on an average night. Sleep typically lasts from 3:00am-8:00am. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Usually said sleep is rather broken and contains periods of waking up or just dozing.
Pain-not so bad, but its there. If I stretch my pain, especially in my back, will improve.But sometimes i just hurt.
Dizziness-2 on a 0-10, Ive had very few days where dizziness has been an issue. Sometimes its nonexistent for days or weeks.
Brain fog-4 on a 0-10. Its still there on the daily but im doing well in school, so it can't be that bad.
Emotions-A good day they're about a 4. A bad day they can reach a full 10 which includes (but not limited to) crying, arguing in my mind, bits of anger, segregating myself from human kind, and complete inability to be productive.
Cough-I have developed this cough due to a cyst on my thyroid. Some days its not bad but other days my throat is sore and I cough hard for several minutes at a time. More on this at a later date.
Exercise-Still very hard. I feel like im left for dead if I ever do any exercise of substance even for a few minutes. I walk though and I am trying to make that a part of my daily routine. At one point in time I walked most weekdays and felt very well doing so (this was years ago), Im going to make this happen again. One of my long term goals is to be able to get back into doing some hardcore stretching and strength building. The one sport I ever participated in that I miss is gymnastics, I may be a bit old for that now but I could still do some things in the sport. Just to say I can do it.
Hallucinations- I haven't mentioned this one in a while but I think its safe to say this symptom is a full 0 and has been for a while.
Stomach pain and lack of appetite-7 out of 10, I can eat and its rare I actually have pain. But I just cannot eat enough food. I eat tiny portions and a slim number of meals. Some days I can eat plenty compared to my average but its still no where close to the calorie count I should be consuming. If I was one of those people who posted pics of their food on Instagram, they'd be more like monthly posts instead of weekly or daily LOL
This has become a much shorter list than it once was. I used to have a couple dozen symptoms, thankfully im down to just a few.
One thing that I have benefitted from keeping this blog is the record of the last few years of treatment. It can really put things into perspective on how things can change for the better.
I will one day be as strong physically as I am mentally. I like to think I am a strong fighter against chronic disease. I dont take things sitting down, just waiting for something magical to happen. I may not take anything lying down but I do take many things on my knees. I thank God for all that he has taught me over the last seven, close to eight, years now. I have learned many invaluable lessons and id like to think ive been able to help other people with what they go through. My faith is strong, I know that only my earthly body is affected by struggles. My spirit does get afflicted and the stress of it all does wear on ones heart after so long, but in the end neither Lyme, nor any other illness can kill my spirit. I will always have my relationship with Jesus. No sleepless night or extreme pain or starvation can take that away. There is a special peace in knowing that I will always have the Lord by my side. I know that I will one day be 100% healed, whether it be in my earthly home or when I go be with the Lord. I know that suffering is never forever, even when anxiety tries to tell me that it is.
I know that each prayer and each pill bottle completed is one step closer to full healing. There is no "magic number" to how many prayers are said or how many pills are taken, but whether we realize it or not one day we will pray "please heal my XYZ" or "please take away this pain" for the last time. Again, whether it be because healing was physical or spiritual, healing from the Lord is healing.
I am thankful for my illness and thankful for my suffering. I have never in the last seven years said-this was a mistake, I was never meant to get sick. Because I was, take it as you wish, but suffering is a part of this life. No one lives a pain free or illness free life. I personally believe that my illness was due to the Fall of Man in the Book of Genesis. Due to the sin of man, by choice, we will all be destined to a less than perfect life until Christ's return.
I will take the path I am given in stride. I will make mistakes, I will be negative, and I will get angry. But once I stop throwing my tantrum I will take ever measure that I can find to fight back against whatever the struggle may be.
What can I say, fighting is in my blood?
Here is my most recent picture of pill bottle empties-
Its been a while since I posted a pic, but for those of you who are new readers here. I save all of my empty pill bottles. I want to see how many bottles, capsules, and oz's of liquid it takes before I can say I DID IT! This collection is still growing. I like to think of all my empty bottles as proof of fighting. Each pill, one step closer to beating Lyme. I also view them as encouragement, I can look back and hold a pill bottle that I once needed for a symptom that left months or years ago and say-this battle was a success. Or I can look at how many bottles ive used for fighting a particular symptom and say-one step closer. I like tangible proof, I like the things I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands. Saving my bottles gives me a way of looking back, and viewing how ive changed things for the better going forward. They show that I didn't quit. If I had skipped out on treatment I wouldn't have any bottles and id sure have a whole lot more symptoms. Or worse, if I had given up on life altogether and quit in the most tragic of ways, there would be fewer bottles or even no bottles.
Id like to ask each one of you to pray for someone you know is in need. I always covet prayers from others, for healing, support, for a healthy body, and pray for encouragement. But maybe make it part of you're routine to pray for your friends and family who are going through some things in their life.
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them"
Matthew 18:20
Hey you guys, I know im staying rather quiet these days but I promise its because im staying busy and feeling well enough to stay busy!
It has been a long while since Ive given an actual update as to how I am doing. Ive written several (ok maybe dozens) of emotional posts about this and that and how my emotions seem to successfully screw things up. But those posts are a bit misleading as to how I am doing overall. Yes, emotions of mine do get in the way a lot. Yes I believe they stem from something with some chronic illness of mine, possibly lyme or possibly due to a strep infection. But no, I do actually live. I work 20-25 hours a week, I go to school full time, I have some hobbies that take up a fair bit of time and energy (this blog being one) and I have a social life. I try my absolute best to never find myself bored, I find that if I get bored ill just spiral into depression (even if just for a matter of hours). Depression is one of the most horrible things out there in my opinion, if going out with some friends, reading, working on my car, working, or even-dare I say it-homework...keep me far away from feeling depressed than so be it!
Symptoms as of 10-15-18
Insomnia-this one is pretty bad. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being worst, Im a 6 on a fantastic night, 9 on a horrible night, and about 8 on an average night. Sleep typically lasts from 3:00am-8:00am. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Usually said sleep is rather broken and contains periods of waking up or just dozing.
Pain-not so bad, but its there. If I stretch my pain, especially in my back, will improve.But sometimes i just hurt.
Dizziness-2 on a 0-10, Ive had very few days where dizziness has been an issue. Sometimes its nonexistent for days or weeks.
Brain fog-4 on a 0-10. Its still there on the daily but im doing well in school, so it can't be that bad.
Emotions-A good day they're about a 4. A bad day they can reach a full 10 which includes (but not limited to) crying, arguing in my mind, bits of anger, segregating myself from human kind, and complete inability to be productive.
Cough-I have developed this cough due to a cyst on my thyroid. Some days its not bad but other days my throat is sore and I cough hard for several minutes at a time. More on this at a later date.
Exercise-Still very hard. I feel like im left for dead if I ever do any exercise of substance even for a few minutes. I walk though and I am trying to make that a part of my daily routine. At one point in time I walked most weekdays and felt very well doing so (this was years ago), Im going to make this happen again. One of my long term goals is to be able to get back into doing some hardcore stretching and strength building. The one sport I ever participated in that I miss is gymnastics, I may be a bit old for that now but I could still do some things in the sport. Just to say I can do it.
Hallucinations- I haven't mentioned this one in a while but I think its safe to say this symptom is a full 0 and has been for a while.
Stomach pain and lack of appetite-7 out of 10, I can eat and its rare I actually have pain. But I just cannot eat enough food. I eat tiny portions and a slim number of meals. Some days I can eat plenty compared to my average but its still no where close to the calorie count I should be consuming. If I was one of those people who posted pics of their food on Instagram, they'd be more like monthly posts instead of weekly or daily LOL
This has become a much shorter list than it once was. I used to have a couple dozen symptoms, thankfully im down to just a few.
One thing that I have benefitted from keeping this blog is the record of the last few years of treatment. It can really put things into perspective on how things can change for the better.
I will one day be as strong physically as I am mentally. I like to think I am a strong fighter against chronic disease. I dont take things sitting down, just waiting for something magical to happen. I may not take anything lying down but I do take many things on my knees. I thank God for all that he has taught me over the last seven, close to eight, years now. I have learned many invaluable lessons and id like to think ive been able to help other people with what they go through. My faith is strong, I know that only my earthly body is affected by struggles. My spirit does get afflicted and the stress of it all does wear on ones heart after so long, but in the end neither Lyme, nor any other illness can kill my spirit. I will always have my relationship with Jesus. No sleepless night or extreme pain or starvation can take that away. There is a special peace in knowing that I will always have the Lord by my side. I know that I will one day be 100% healed, whether it be in my earthly home or when I go be with the Lord. I know that suffering is never forever, even when anxiety tries to tell me that it is.
I know that each prayer and each pill bottle completed is one step closer to full healing. There is no "magic number" to how many prayers are said or how many pills are taken, but whether we realize it or not one day we will pray "please heal my XYZ" or "please take away this pain" for the last time. Again, whether it be because healing was physical or spiritual, healing from the Lord is healing.
I am thankful for my illness and thankful for my suffering. I have never in the last seven years said-this was a mistake, I was never meant to get sick. Because I was, take it as you wish, but suffering is a part of this life. No one lives a pain free or illness free life. I personally believe that my illness was due to the Fall of Man in the Book of Genesis. Due to the sin of man, by choice, we will all be destined to a less than perfect life until Christ's return.
I will take the path I am given in stride. I will make mistakes, I will be negative, and I will get angry. But once I stop throwing my tantrum I will take ever measure that I can find to fight back against whatever the struggle may be.
What can I say, fighting is in my blood?
Here is my most recent picture of pill bottle empties-
Its been a while since I posted a pic, but for those of you who are new readers here. I save all of my empty pill bottles. I want to see how many bottles, capsules, and oz's of liquid it takes before I can say I DID IT! This collection is still growing. I like to think of all my empty bottles as proof of fighting. Each pill, one step closer to beating Lyme. I also view them as encouragement, I can look back and hold a pill bottle that I once needed for a symptom that left months or years ago and say-this battle was a success. Or I can look at how many bottles ive used for fighting a particular symptom and say-one step closer. I like tangible proof, I like the things I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands. Saving my bottles gives me a way of looking back, and viewing how ive changed things for the better going forward. They show that I didn't quit. If I had skipped out on treatment I wouldn't have any bottles and id sure have a whole lot more symptoms. Or worse, if I had given up on life altogether and quit in the most tragic of ways, there would be fewer bottles or even no bottles.
Id like to ask each one of you to pray for someone you know is in need. I always covet prayers from others, for healing, support, for a healthy body, and pray for encouragement. But maybe make it part of you're routine to pray for your friends and family who are going through some things in their life.
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them"
Matthew 18:20