Long Week
I love the holidays and I love getting to see everyone at Christmas, friends come home from school and I get to see some family.
Always great.
Except when Im worn out. Which happens. A lot. On top of being worn out, I have managed to have the sniffles and a sore throat all week. Which further depletes my limited energy.
When im worn out I loose all hope of enjoying whatever it was that I had planned. I get caught up in my head and I drown in my thoughts. My thoughts just spin like a whirlpool. That usually ends in my emotions getting the best of me and me spending my night with some tears on my pillow.
Tonight has been one of those nights.
Last night my best friend spent the night with me and it was SO SO nice having him back. I didnt have to sleep alone and I had someone fun around to keep my spirits up. I didnt feel so lonely even though I was terribly drained and didnt feel like doing anything but laying down. He helped me with my car, having him help was amazing. We did in a few hours what would take me at least a week to do. One stress off my plate and it was fun having an assistant.
But in the end I was an emotional mess. When it was closer for him to leave I started crying and pouring out emotions. He was there for me the best he could, part of it was that I missed him and part of it was I was disappointed that we didnt do more fun things because I felt crumby (to say it mildly). I love it when he spends the night and we stay up half the night watching movies and playing games, this visit was a bit more on the mild side and I was spacey for most of it.
After he left I walked back into the house and cried again. It was just too many emotions for my tired body.
Christmas and christmas eve were similar. Had lots of fun doing things with friends and family but at the same time I wanted to be at home in bed crying. I wanted to be enjoying the traditional games at my friends house, but I just couldn't get into it.
Then I get upset for not being able to enjoy things. I want too so bad. Its just so frustrating that I always feel like Im looking through a snow globe at the outside world. I want to jump in and join and be a part of the fun and games.
Not sit on the sidelines staring off into space.
E has been great talking to this week. He called me the evening of Christmas day and we talked for over two hours. Because I was laying in my bed, in my quiet safe place, it was easy. I didnt enjoy it like a normal person would but its okay because he has the same feelings I do. The things he enjoys, really isn't the same. Things are more...pleasant or nice...not exciting or joyful, sometimes its better to be doing an activity than twiddling our thumbs in the corner, even if we dont really feel the effects of it.
When im in my safe place like that though, I feel more at ease and its easier to get enjoyment out of things.
Im planning on going to church tomorrow, ive gotten really really bad at actually going to church anymore. Its a push to even do that. My best friend will be there, and another good friend whom I love needs a ride to church so I am picking him up beforehand , its good for me. I just wish I had the energy and stamina to enjoy it. and the brain to remember whatever the pastor speaks on.
It amazes me how one week I can be doing 85-95% normal and the next week feel like im dying. I wish some of these new supplements would kick in a little more. but the dr told me it could take 6 weeks or so...(i think. idk i can't remember)
Saturday, December 29, 2018
Monday, December 24, 2018
Guest Post from E- It Took Everything from Me
It took everything from me
“What is happening to me?” I wondered, as I stood in the shower.
I was cold, quite dizzy and generally didn’t feel good. After a day at work, the hot shower warmed me up nicely.
I drove to my church, where I was scheduled to spend the evening. I didn’t feel like eating anything, so I just got some tea. As the evening progressed, I felt worse and worse, and got so cold that I was shaking and shivering....with a coat on.
Finally, I had enough and went outside to my car, turned the heater on high and cried myself to sleep. Eventually a friend came out and found me, and drove me home.
This was the first time anything like that had happened to me, and I really didn’t know what to think of it. Over the next few months, I began to get more and more tired, until the point that I am now continually exhausted, and sometimes can only collapse in bed. I have agonizing pain, and have developed an intermittent stu-stutter, along with other cognitive difficulties. Conversations in groups have become increasingly difficult, and any productive school work at times seems nearly impossible. I have started falling regularly, and I am at times unable to control my balance well.
Though I never had many friendships before, the ones I did have seemed to die as I have become unable to do the things I used to do. But none of these are as bad as the ever present, crushing depression. I wake up every day, cussing that I woke up and that it is once again time to try to get up and move. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train.
A few years after I first got sick, I was diagnosed with Master’s (essentially lyme) disease. That at least explains what has been going on. But knowing hasn’t made things easier in general. When I, in passing conversation, mention to someone that I have Lyme disease, the general response is “okay.” There’s no concern on their face, no understanding in their mind, and no care in their soul. People, in general, just don’t care. However there are a few people that care about me, and for those I am incredibly grateful; it means more to me than they know.
This disease has taken everything from me. It took all of my energy. It took my ability to even have enjoyment. It took my emotions. It took my memory and my capability to think clearly. It even took my ability to have moving prayer time or serious devotions. It took me....and left me for dead, as a skeleton of my former self. A self that my friends, family and acquaintances don’t know, a self that I don’t know; a self that almost no-one knows. It took my youthful inspiration and replaced it with a wish for the sweet release of death every single day.
Even with the impressive amount that the bacteria has been able to accomplish, it hasn’t taken God from me, or me from Him. Nothing can separate those in Christ from his love for us. And I know that, and I firmly believe that. Nothing has escaped His attention, and I know that this immense suffering is for my good. It is helping me become the man God wants me to be; it may feel most of the time like a dagger in my heart, but I know that when I get better, if I get better, I’m going to be unstoppable. I’m going to be infinitely more compassionate towards those with depression, mental and physical disabilities, the hurting, the outcast, the unwanted and the untouchables of society. I’ll have a much greater understanding of what these people go through, and perhaps be able to help them. And for that I’m thankful.
-E
I asked E to write a post about his story for me to share on my blog, and I am impressed at how well he captured what he is going through. His brain fog and focus issues are a fair bit worse than mine (or so I think), and mine are fairly severe. For him to write this much and do such a coherent and clear job at writing, im super proud.
One of the things he asked me after we began talking was "how do you describe what lyme has done to you"
I responded back with " I feel like I was murdered, then I never left my body."
Its fairly safe to say we both feel very dark now, which I for sure never felt like before lyme. Its hard to fight the crushing depression that has come on with lyme, the lyme takes over the body and the depression on top of it helps take over the brain and its thoughts. Together the two of us have more support to encourage the other through the dark times, which are more often than either of us would like to admit to anyone else.
Im sure that this will not be the last post from my friend that you will see posted on this blog, as he progresses with his treatment and his life and symptoms change im sure Ill be able to convince him to write a little more to share!
He started zithromax today, so I have a feeling he's not going to be feeling to great over the next few days.
“What is happening to me?” I wondered, as I stood in the shower.
I was cold, quite dizzy and generally didn’t feel good. After a day at work, the hot shower warmed me up nicely.
I drove to my church, where I was scheduled to spend the evening. I didn’t feel like eating anything, so I just got some tea. As the evening progressed, I felt worse and worse, and got so cold that I was shaking and shivering....with a coat on.
Finally, I had enough and went outside to my car, turned the heater on high and cried myself to sleep. Eventually a friend came out and found me, and drove me home.
This was the first time anything like that had happened to me, and I really didn’t know what to think of it. Over the next few months, I began to get more and more tired, until the point that I am now continually exhausted, and sometimes can only collapse in bed. I have agonizing pain, and have developed an intermittent stu-stutter, along with other cognitive difficulties. Conversations in groups have become increasingly difficult, and any productive school work at times seems nearly impossible. I have started falling regularly, and I am at times unable to control my balance well.
Though I never had many friendships before, the ones I did have seemed to die as I have become unable to do the things I used to do. But none of these are as bad as the ever present, crushing depression. I wake up every day, cussing that I woke up and that it is once again time to try to get up and move. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train.
A few years after I first got sick, I was diagnosed with Master’s (essentially lyme) disease. That at least explains what has been going on. But knowing hasn’t made things easier in general. When I, in passing conversation, mention to someone that I have Lyme disease, the general response is “okay.” There’s no concern on their face, no understanding in their mind, and no care in their soul. People, in general, just don’t care. However there are a few people that care about me, and for those I am incredibly grateful; it means more to me than they know.
This disease has taken everything from me. It took all of my energy. It took my ability to even have enjoyment. It took my emotions. It took my memory and my capability to think clearly. It even took my ability to have moving prayer time or serious devotions. It took me....and left me for dead, as a skeleton of my former self. A self that my friends, family and acquaintances don’t know, a self that I don’t know; a self that almost no-one knows. It took my youthful inspiration and replaced it with a wish for the sweet release of death every single day.
Even with the impressive amount that the bacteria has been able to accomplish, it hasn’t taken God from me, or me from Him. Nothing can separate those in Christ from his love for us. And I know that, and I firmly believe that. Nothing has escaped His attention, and I know that this immense suffering is for my good. It is helping me become the man God wants me to be; it may feel most of the time like a dagger in my heart, but I know that when I get better, if I get better, I’m going to be unstoppable. I’m going to be infinitely more compassionate towards those with depression, mental and physical disabilities, the hurting, the outcast, the unwanted and the untouchables of society. I’ll have a much greater understanding of what these people go through, and perhaps be able to help them. And for that I’m thankful.
-E
I asked E to write a post about his story for me to share on my blog, and I am impressed at how well he captured what he is going through. His brain fog and focus issues are a fair bit worse than mine (or so I think), and mine are fairly severe. For him to write this much and do such a coherent and clear job at writing, im super proud.
One of the things he asked me after we began talking was "how do you describe what lyme has done to you"
I responded back with " I feel like I was murdered, then I never left my body."
Its fairly safe to say we both feel very dark now, which I for sure never felt like before lyme. Its hard to fight the crushing depression that has come on with lyme, the lyme takes over the body and the depression on top of it helps take over the brain and its thoughts. Together the two of us have more support to encourage the other through the dark times, which are more often than either of us would like to admit to anyone else.
Im sure that this will not be the last post from my friend that you will see posted on this blog, as he progresses with his treatment and his life and symptoms change im sure Ill be able to convince him to write a little more to share!
He started zithromax today, so I have a feeling he's not going to be feeling to great over the next few days.
A New Blessing
Something New I am Grateful for
This week I am going to (sorta) lean away from the lyme aspect of my life. I mean this loosely because lyme ties into this, but maybe in a more positive than typical way.
My best friend introduced me to a hall mate from his school, who also has lyme. This guy is only a little bit younger than I am, he's been sick for 2-3 years. Only recently diagnosed though, just found out in August. He's found an LLMD within a few hours from him (thankfully!) who is now treating him with antibiotics.
This guy though, he's still new to the lyme front. He's done some research and he's learned a lot about the trickiness of the whole disease, that it may not be as simple as a few months of meds. Plus he's learned about the whole controversy behind it, so he's done a great job educating himself on the Ins and Outs of lyme disease. Which is great considering his brain fog and except for his doctor, he's flying solo here. He doesn't have much of a support system.
Well, My friend gave me the guys number and we ended up talking on the phone for..oh..about 3 hours and 45 minutes give or take. Which for me is a LONG time to talk on the phone. A long time. Im usually a 30 seconds or less type of person when it comes to talking on the phone. But we had a whole lot to talk about! It turns out me and him have very similar lyme symptoms and very similar upbringing, we also think very similar and have a similar outlook on the whole disease fighting deal.
I feel special for being one of this guys (lets call him E for now) first people to talk to about lyme. Its been fantastic for me also, ive met a ton of people with lyme over the years between my own work and going to the clinic, but this is the first person whose around my age. He's also the first GUY, usually I meet girls who are sick. Usually guys bottle everything up and aren't much for being friendly with other people, just from what ive noticed.
Me and E have really hit it off. Him and I have yet to stop texting for more than a few hours at a time, we have FaceTimed for hours on several occasions.
We go back and forth talking about some fun stuff, like work, cars, school(well almost fun lol) or talking about lyme things. We will text each other and ask a question like-hey do you ever get depressed out of nowhere? or-Do you ever go from having plenty of physical strength for work then all of the sudden have none to work with?
Its been nice to see a little more into how lyme has affected us and what isn't normal. January 26 next month is my 8 year anniversary of being sick, at this point I remember very very little of what normal feels like. Its been nice to have someone to compare to who has been sick for a shorter amount of time.
E went from having plenty of energy and being a full work horse, started working at 14 years old, long hours outside! To being able to do a small tiny fraction of what he used to be able to do, at a much much less intense level. He has even fallen asleep at the steering wheel and has had all sorts of scary things happen to him that were not at all his normal pre-lyme.
I had him write a post for me to post on this blog, which he has done and it will be my next post after this one. I really wanted him to share his story and begin finding his voice. I know it took me a long time to be able to find my voice for what I was going through, I knew I was tired but it wasn't so easy to explain or understand. Now I can.
On our first phone call, one of the things we talked about was the fatigue. It was nice to talk to someone who knew what bone crushing fatigue meant, fatigue that starts at the skin and permeates through the muscle and bone all the way through. We joke about all of the other people who whine about "being tired" that we hear at school, and we both laugh about. They just think they are tired, or they should try a little more sleep and a little less alcohol (more so the case at my school than his). I know I feel less alone now when I feel like the fatigue and other symptoms set in now that I have a friend my age who gets it.
We both talk about how we hate that the other is sick and that we both have this journey to battle through, but that its so nice to have the other now.
I shared more about myself and my illness with him on our first phone call than I have with anyone else right off the bat. Usually I only share little bits of personal information and I focus more on the other person, but we both just right off were fairly comfortable with the other. I even shared this blog with him, I have NEVER shared this blog with anyone so fast. To date, counting E, I have shared my blog with three people in total. This is one of my safe places, to keep it safe for me to share and reach out to other people with lyme (looking at you Rebecca :), I have to filter who I share this with in my life. I dont want to be judged for what I write, I dont want to be critiqued by my 3rd grade writing level, and I dont want to be gossiped about behind my back. I write a lot of RAW material about myself on this blog, which is beneficial for others going through a similar battle. I know I have an astounding appreciation for people like Yolanda Hadid who put her entire life in a book about her lyme battle, to which she faced a lot of judgment and ridicule, but in turn lifted people like me up in encouragement.
I was put on this earth for a reason and it has been made clear to me that at this moment Lyme is part of my life, lyme itself isn't so big anymore so much as reversing the damage left by the little bugs. But I have accrued an amazing amount of research and knowledge over the years from all of the books ive read and people ive spoken to, I feel wrong for not at least giving a shot to helping someone else out.
My best friend has never even seen my blog, and its probably the only secret he doesn't know about me. I did share to him its existence a while back but I didnt give him a link or the name, he just knows I write one somewhere on the internet. I share a lot online to the people in the lyme community who care to read, but in person I am actually very private except for a very very small select few people who I feel safe sharing with.
So meeting a nice fella like E who is fighting the fight like I am and holding his self together with prayers and pill bottles, I can only thank God for placing this person in my life.
We have yet to meet in person but its going to happen in the next few months one way or another, since he goes to the same school as my best friend I will now have two amazing people to visit every few months over in Missouri. We *almost* managed to pull off a visit at this end of this month, a very short one, but it didnt work out. Its gonna happen though.
Him and I have spent a lot of time relating over the rather messy aspects of being chronically sick, such as how friends disappear and family doesn't appear to care, or the emotions we dont share with just anyone, or some of the other darker scarrier parts of the whole deal, but we also encourage each other. Its easier to encourage someone when you deeply to the core understand the rough waves they are going through, I know for me its encouraging just to share the frustrating parts of being sick and having someone else get it or tell me they understand because they have gone through the exact same thing. Lyme isn't a disease that comes with much encouragement, its not as simple as going on the internet and finding all sorts of positivity as it is with some diseases such as cancer ( not bashing cancer patients at all, but there are many more cancer foundations etc. to help out and encourage them). So him and I both have an appreciation for the other for what we go through.
Our lyme symptoms are fairly similar, which is not necessarily super common with lyme because it can cause SO MANY different symptoms. The only major differences for us are-he can sleep at night and take naps during the day and he doesn't get panic or anxiety attacks, he has to take naps some days (especially work days) because he gets flat out worn out. Whereas its rare that I actually take a nap, when I get up for the day I typically keep going (I may have 0% productivity and accomplish nothing besides breathing oxygen, but I can stay upright longer than he can). I think he has more pain than I do, I still have pain and aches but its improved a lot. He has yet to gain any actual noticeable improvement with his medical protocol, I was the same with antibiotics, but he is on a very strong protocol ( I was never on a super strong ABX regime). A lot of our emotional aspects are very very similar, which is like a breathe of fresh air for me to have someone to talk to about all of this. Especially with it being a guy, usually its a girl that I end up talking to about emotional things and as bad as this is going to sound, talking to a girl-friend my age about emotional issues usually comes with strings attached in some way or another. With a guy, not so much, we are both fairly easy going people and we just talk about whatever we need to. We may be talking about something serious and something fun in the same conversation, just because we can.
Okay okay, Im rambling again which is one thing I can usually do all too well. I just dont like sharing only sad or depressing things all the time, its needed for me to share uplifting and positive things such as this every so often.
I have been praying for another guy friend who gets it for a long time, especially since my best friend moved away. Meeting E has been an answer to my prayers. I had this post practically written a few days after I met him a month ago, but do to busy christmas schedule and brain fog I couldn't get it all out onto paper like this.
I hope you all enjoy reading his post about his story :)
Friday, December 14, 2018
Introducing-Dr. Psychiatrist
I Did the Thing I Never Wanted to DO
I did it. After years of needing something I finally did it. I went and saw an actual, MD Psychiatrist, mentioned in my last post. I pushed off ever seeing a psychiatrist because I never wanted any of my health issue to actually "be in my head". Lyme is so often referred to as being a fake illness and its "all in peoples heads" and I never wanted my head to need formal examination.
I found the compromise though. I went to a special clinic which does more than ask me about depression and has more to offer than self help questionnaires( i.e. are you sad? Do you feel the whole world is against you? Do you have a problem with drugs? Have you ever smoked marijuana? Do you want to kill yourself? OK ill stop there)
This new clinic is a fairly newer discovery for me. Especially considering its almost considered local even, only an hour away. This clinic takes a more comprehensive and wholesome look at the psychiatric situation, they take into consideration thyroid health, infections (lyme being an infection they're familiar with), hormones, traumas, brain injuries, allergies, diet, exercise, supplements.
I feel more comfortable being evaluated by someone who is familiar with more tools than just the hammer, if you will. They also use a specialized brain scan to see the brain itself, they did an active and a resting scan on my brain.
With these results they can see which parts of my brain are over active and which are under active.
It was all a very fascinating process, ive never done anything like this before. Truthfully I never thought Id need to either.
The patient coordinator (or whatever her title was) spent a significant amount of time with me getting more details on my symptoms, even the lyme symptoms. It was a very thorough yet comfortable evaluation. She asked me to explain some of my symptoms, like what is brain fog for me, in which I said - Its hard for me to retrieve thoughts, very hard to focus, difficult or impossible to remember things, and hard to string together thoughts.
Ive never really had to refine the definition of a symptom like that before, I appreciated how well they were paying attention to detail.
On day 1 they had me come to the clinic, and do the first brain scan. They gave me an IV of some sort of dye then they had me play some computer game with letters. Man was that hard, I am so glad I didnt get a grade for that because it would have been really sad LOL. The point of this activity was to activate my brain, get the circulation flowing.
Then I went in to be scanned.
After the scan I met with the patient coordinator for my story and health history.
Day 2 (final day). They had me relax in a room alone comfortably for 10-15 minutes to get my brain to wind down and go to its resting state.
Following this I was scanned.
A few hours after the scan I met with the Doc. She was very friendly and again, thorough.
The first thing the dr. said to me was So you are actually making A's in school? I said I do, its hard but I do.
She was surprised and commended me for being able to do that.
She proceeded to explain more about the scans and what the process was, and what a normal scan looks like.
Then came my scans. My results. The things that determined what was actually, legitimately going on in my head.
She told me I have a severe amount of brain inflammation throughout and this needs to be corrected ASAP. She said this is part of my cognitive impairment.
She showed me the relaxed scan first.
On this, I had an overactive basal ganglia (fight or flight part of the brain) and a very overactive thalamus.
The inflammation created a diamond pattern.
The basal ganglia is a survival part of the brain, its what kicks into gear when you are in trouble.
Now keep in mind this is my RESTING scan. When im supposed to be calming down or getting ready to sleep-my brain goes into survival mode-red alert-whats happening
Then the Thalamus is related to post traumatic stress, I do not remember all this was associated with.
On the active scan-
I had an underactive frontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that does the thinking. Its part of the Here and Now, taking in whats going on and responding, focusing, concentrating.
The left temporal lobe is also underactive, which is related to memory.
So the thinking and memory parts of my brain are missing a lot of function.
When im at rest, my brain goes on red alert. When im active, it shuts off. The basal ganglia is over active on both scans, but less over active on the active scan.
Which is why I enjoy keeping busy so much, it tones the stress in my head down. Working long hours on my car-its like im literally helping my brain hide from itself. OR other activities.
I was also told by something showing up on my scans and by symptoms that I may have a vision disorder called Irlens Syndrome (also called scotopic syndrome). Which is a processing problem in the brain for vision, not in the eye. It can in some cases be caused by infections causing damage.
This disorder is related to how the brain intakes colors, and with this problem it can cause issues with reading, skipping lines, and remembering what you read (very condensed version of symptoms). The treatment for this is to wear special colored glasses or contacts. I would need to see someone trained in this to be evaluated and figure out what color filter I would need. Im not sure when I will be pursuing this....
I was also told I most likely had PANDAS based on the severely overactive basal ganglia and by what we believe may have been a strep infection last March.
She told me the sudden onset of anxiety and OCD is a huge, huge, indicator for PANDAS. She did say she didnt really see it in adults but it was hard to argue with the symptoms and tests.
(ha, guess im special!!)
I had a strong strong feeling I was about to be diagnosed with PANDAS. Ive been pursuing that for a couple months now, trying to learn more on tests and treatments for it. I did not however know that PANDAS turned on the basal ganglia like that though (im sure ive read it, but I dont really understand the brain all that well. and I forget things that I dont understand). I thought PANDAS was really only visible through symptoms and strep tests.
I was told I may have had a little bit of ADD judging by my frontal lobe, it may not have been severe enough pre-lyme to have caused me any noticeable issue. The stress and damage from the lyme could have brought about its presentation.
Treatments-
#1 she emphasized that I do, hyperbaric oxygen. Ive never done this before. She said its vital for neurogenesis and bringing circulation back in my brain. She said I need to do 30 treatments.
Currently attempting to figure out the logistics of that.
#2, she gave me two supplements to take. One is a mix, high dose fish oil, strong memory booster and multi vitamin. The other supplement is for sleep, it has GABA, L Glutamine, Taurine, Tyrosine, and phosphitadyl serine in it.
Ive started the supplements. Hasn't been long so I do not really have much to report. The first supplement actually covered/replaced some thing I had previously been taking. Thankfully I actually came off some things by starting this. Thats a very rare occurrence in my world!!
All in all
Ive been told I have severe inflammation in my brain and whole body, I have brain damage, possibly Irlens syndrome, and I have PANDAS. Ill be darned. The dr actually managed to impress me with what they did and what they found. It isn't all that often a dr actually makes me say wow.
I was told 6 months on the supplements and 30 treatments on the hyperbaric.
The reason it took me so long to post on it (a week!), it took me a bit to digest all of this. I know I was expecting them to find something wrong ( I would have been mad if they didnt!) but just the fact that things were found and they do have significance.
On top of that, I still am learning about all of this. Im still reading through all my reports and understanding all the information ive been given.
And still checking out what options I have to help me out as far as symptoms. Im taking herbal anti depressants, GABA, L-Theanine, and some hormonal supports which have all helped with anxiety over the last several months. I think that last time I had a full breakdown was the end of October/beginning of November. The crying and severe anxiety has improved.
Im hoping this new protocol with get rid of the anxiety altogether and bring back my brain function.
I just feel so apathetic and empty, id really really like to see that disappear and get replaced with the old me
Maybe thats a big request, but surely with enough time and patience??'
One last thing. The best explanation as to how I feel was said by Shannon Goertzon on her blog four years ago in this post called Finding My Brave
Her blog posts were the main reason I searched out PANDAS, her symptoms match mine to a T, she seems much worse though. I highly suggest Shannons blog, she's been through the wringer more than once!! Very intelligent and endearing woman to read from!
I did it. After years of needing something I finally did it. I went and saw an actual, MD Psychiatrist, mentioned in my last post. I pushed off ever seeing a psychiatrist because I never wanted any of my health issue to actually "be in my head". Lyme is so often referred to as being a fake illness and its "all in peoples heads" and I never wanted my head to need formal examination.
I found the compromise though. I went to a special clinic which does more than ask me about depression and has more to offer than self help questionnaires( i.e. are you sad? Do you feel the whole world is against you? Do you have a problem with drugs? Have you ever smoked marijuana? Do you want to kill yourself? OK ill stop there)
This new clinic is a fairly newer discovery for me. Especially considering its almost considered local even, only an hour away. This clinic takes a more comprehensive and wholesome look at the psychiatric situation, they take into consideration thyroid health, infections (lyme being an infection they're familiar with), hormones, traumas, brain injuries, allergies, diet, exercise, supplements.
I feel more comfortable being evaluated by someone who is familiar with more tools than just the hammer, if you will. They also use a specialized brain scan to see the brain itself, they did an active and a resting scan on my brain.
With these results they can see which parts of my brain are over active and which are under active.
It was all a very fascinating process, ive never done anything like this before. Truthfully I never thought Id need to either.
The patient coordinator (or whatever her title was) spent a significant amount of time with me getting more details on my symptoms, even the lyme symptoms. It was a very thorough yet comfortable evaluation. She asked me to explain some of my symptoms, like what is brain fog for me, in which I said - Its hard for me to retrieve thoughts, very hard to focus, difficult or impossible to remember things, and hard to string together thoughts.
Ive never really had to refine the definition of a symptom like that before, I appreciated how well they were paying attention to detail.
On day 1 they had me come to the clinic, and do the first brain scan. They gave me an IV of some sort of dye then they had me play some computer game with letters. Man was that hard, I am so glad I didnt get a grade for that because it would have been really sad LOL. The point of this activity was to activate my brain, get the circulation flowing.
Then I went in to be scanned.
After the scan I met with the patient coordinator for my story and health history.
Day 2 (final day). They had me relax in a room alone comfortably for 10-15 minutes to get my brain to wind down and go to its resting state.
Following this I was scanned.
A few hours after the scan I met with the Doc. She was very friendly and again, thorough.
The first thing the dr. said to me was So you are actually making A's in school? I said I do, its hard but I do.
She was surprised and commended me for being able to do that.
She proceeded to explain more about the scans and what the process was, and what a normal scan looks like.
Then came my scans. My results. The things that determined what was actually, legitimately going on in my head.
She told me I have a severe amount of brain inflammation throughout and this needs to be corrected ASAP. She said this is part of my cognitive impairment.
She showed me the relaxed scan first.
On this, I had an overactive basal ganglia (fight or flight part of the brain) and a very overactive thalamus.
The inflammation created a diamond pattern.
The basal ganglia is a survival part of the brain, its what kicks into gear when you are in trouble.
Now keep in mind this is my RESTING scan. When im supposed to be calming down or getting ready to sleep-my brain goes into survival mode-red alert-whats happening
Then the Thalamus is related to post traumatic stress, I do not remember all this was associated with.
On the active scan-
I had an underactive frontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that does the thinking. Its part of the Here and Now, taking in whats going on and responding, focusing, concentrating.
The left temporal lobe is also underactive, which is related to memory.
So the thinking and memory parts of my brain are missing a lot of function.
When im at rest, my brain goes on red alert. When im active, it shuts off. The basal ganglia is over active on both scans, but less over active on the active scan.
Which is why I enjoy keeping busy so much, it tones the stress in my head down. Working long hours on my car-its like im literally helping my brain hide from itself. OR other activities.
I was also told by something showing up on my scans and by symptoms that I may have a vision disorder called Irlens Syndrome (also called scotopic syndrome). Which is a processing problem in the brain for vision, not in the eye. It can in some cases be caused by infections causing damage.
This disorder is related to how the brain intakes colors, and with this problem it can cause issues with reading, skipping lines, and remembering what you read (very condensed version of symptoms). The treatment for this is to wear special colored glasses or contacts. I would need to see someone trained in this to be evaluated and figure out what color filter I would need. Im not sure when I will be pursuing this....
I was also told I most likely had PANDAS based on the severely overactive basal ganglia and by what we believe may have been a strep infection last March.
She told me the sudden onset of anxiety and OCD is a huge, huge, indicator for PANDAS. She did say she didnt really see it in adults but it was hard to argue with the symptoms and tests.
(ha, guess im special!!)
I had a strong strong feeling I was about to be diagnosed with PANDAS. Ive been pursuing that for a couple months now, trying to learn more on tests and treatments for it. I did not however know that PANDAS turned on the basal ganglia like that though (im sure ive read it, but I dont really understand the brain all that well. and I forget things that I dont understand). I thought PANDAS was really only visible through symptoms and strep tests.
I was told I may have had a little bit of ADD judging by my frontal lobe, it may not have been severe enough pre-lyme to have caused me any noticeable issue. The stress and damage from the lyme could have brought about its presentation.
Treatments-
#1 she emphasized that I do, hyperbaric oxygen. Ive never done this before. She said its vital for neurogenesis and bringing circulation back in my brain. She said I need to do 30 treatments.
Currently attempting to figure out the logistics of that.
#2, she gave me two supplements to take. One is a mix, high dose fish oil, strong memory booster and multi vitamin. The other supplement is for sleep, it has GABA, L Glutamine, Taurine, Tyrosine, and phosphitadyl serine in it.
Ive started the supplements. Hasn't been long so I do not really have much to report. The first supplement actually covered/replaced some thing I had previously been taking. Thankfully I actually came off some things by starting this. Thats a very rare occurrence in my world!!
All in all
Ive been told I have severe inflammation in my brain and whole body, I have brain damage, possibly Irlens syndrome, and I have PANDAS. Ill be darned. The dr actually managed to impress me with what they did and what they found. It isn't all that often a dr actually makes me say wow.
I was told 6 months on the supplements and 30 treatments on the hyperbaric.
The reason it took me so long to post on it (a week!), it took me a bit to digest all of this. I know I was expecting them to find something wrong ( I would have been mad if they didnt!) but just the fact that things were found and they do have significance.
On top of that, I still am learning about all of this. Im still reading through all my reports and understanding all the information ive been given.
And still checking out what options I have to help me out as far as symptoms. Im taking herbal anti depressants, GABA, L-Theanine, and some hormonal supports which have all helped with anxiety over the last several months. I think that last time I had a full breakdown was the end of October/beginning of November. The crying and severe anxiety has improved.
Im hoping this new protocol with get rid of the anxiety altogether and bring back my brain function.
I just feel so apathetic and empty, id really really like to see that disappear and get replaced with the old me
Maybe thats a big request, but surely with enough time and patience??'
One last thing. The best explanation as to how I feel was said by Shannon Goertzon on her blog four years ago in this post called Finding My Brave
Her blog posts were the main reason I searched out PANDAS, her symptoms match mine to a T, she seems much worse though. I highly suggest Shannons blog, she's been through the wringer more than once!! Very intelligent and endearing woman to read from!
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Almost Through November
Thanksgiving is over-Next up Christmas break!!
I am beginning to get very excited for my impending end of the semester! I *think* I finish the semester before the end of next week! Only a handful of assignments left! I just gotta treat my body right for a little bit longer. I only need another week and a half out of my brain before it can take a long break. Almost there.
I realized another milestone will be coming up next week, my trip to the new psychiatrist. In just over a week I may have some answers as to why my brain does the weird things it does. I am praying for a really great breakthrough. I hate to pray for bad news like that but...theres something wrong in there and if I am going to do something to make it better, I have to know what I am fighting with. I know there are some things I could be doing a better job at now, such as not cheating on my diet. But I eat so little and sometimes I just have to make myself eat something.
If the doctor can come up with something to help out my anxiety, depression, and brain fog-ill be a happy camper.
The last few days depression and anxiety haven't been so bad. Even today the brain fog wasn't so bad either. I burned through more homework assignments today in one day than I have in a long time, thats a good sign right ??
Of course things would improve right before going to see a new doctor lol.
In the morning I am going for IV vitamins and glutathione, its been a month or two since I have done any infusions. I saw my local doctor last week and she told me it would be a good idea to do another round.
My doctor here ran a full thyroid panel this time. I received the results today and passed with flying colors more less.
The doctor I work for told me I am showing some mild autoimmunity towards my thyroid. Normal range is <9 and my number was 12 (thyroid peroxidase I think it was). This could explain some of my fatigue.
In a few weeks I will be having a phone call follow up with my doctor in Kansas just to touch base with him and inform him of some of my recent happenings.
In other non health related news, this weekend could be a very exciting weekend for me. I just about have my project car back on the road. I have a bunch of parts coming in this week that may finish it off for me to get it back on the road (brakes being one!!!). I have SO patiently been working on this car since the second week of August (the week school started, ironic huh). If all goes well I may be able to drive my car to school one day!
I drove it around the neighborhood last week for the first time, man was that rewarding! It wasn't exactly normal feeling, certainly some more inspecting to do but hey almost there.
I am beginning to get very excited for my impending end of the semester! I *think* I finish the semester before the end of next week! Only a handful of assignments left! I just gotta treat my body right for a little bit longer. I only need another week and a half out of my brain before it can take a long break. Almost there.
I realized another milestone will be coming up next week, my trip to the new psychiatrist. In just over a week I may have some answers as to why my brain does the weird things it does. I am praying for a really great breakthrough. I hate to pray for bad news like that but...theres something wrong in there and if I am going to do something to make it better, I have to know what I am fighting with. I know there are some things I could be doing a better job at now, such as not cheating on my diet. But I eat so little and sometimes I just have to make myself eat something.
If the doctor can come up with something to help out my anxiety, depression, and brain fog-ill be a happy camper.
The last few days depression and anxiety haven't been so bad. Even today the brain fog wasn't so bad either. I burned through more homework assignments today in one day than I have in a long time, thats a good sign right ??
Of course things would improve right before going to see a new doctor lol.
In the morning I am going for IV vitamins and glutathione, its been a month or two since I have done any infusions. I saw my local doctor last week and she told me it would be a good idea to do another round.
My doctor here ran a full thyroid panel this time. I received the results today and passed with flying colors more less.
The doctor I work for told me I am showing some mild autoimmunity towards my thyroid. Normal range is <9 and my number was 12 (thyroid peroxidase I think it was). This could explain some of my fatigue.
In a few weeks I will be having a phone call follow up with my doctor in Kansas just to touch base with him and inform him of some of my recent happenings.
In other non health related news, this weekend could be a very exciting weekend for me. I just about have my project car back on the road. I have a bunch of parts coming in this week that may finish it off for me to get it back on the road (brakes being one!!!). I have SO patiently been working on this car since the second week of August (the week school started, ironic huh). If all goes well I may be able to drive my car to school one day!
I drove it around the neighborhood last week for the first time, man was that rewarding! It wasn't exactly normal feeling, certainly some more inspecting to do but hey almost there.
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Thankful for the Pain
In All Things
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.
I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.
I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.
I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.
I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.
Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.
I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.
I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.
I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.
I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.
Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Safety Circle
Familiarity
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.
WHY??
I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.
I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.
Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.
WHY??
I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.
I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.
Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready
Sunday, November 4, 2018
A Weekend With A Side of +Rest
On The Bright Side
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.
I felt peace
I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.
But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.
But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.
I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.
Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.
I felt peace
I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.
But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.
But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.
I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.
Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world
Thursday, November 1, 2018
A Whole New World
Dreaming Wide Awake
I have been living in my own dream world the last few days. I have spent most of my spare world dreaming of a world where Lyme doesn’t exist. I tell myself that if I moved to a new place with new people and new friends, I wouldn’t ever have to tell them about Lyme disease. I could pretend I had never even heard of the “little bug”. I could hide my symptoms well and everyone would be none the wiser.
What a world that would be....a world I dream of
I think often to myself, maybe if I pretend that nothing is wrong then I’ll eventually just forget that I hurt all the time. Maybe I’ll meet people that make me happy and joyful so I could forget about depression and anxiety. Even on top of that, I could forget about being tired and then I could stay so busy that I have too many things to do to spend time on OCD.
What a place...
I think, if I hide that anything is wrong with me and always act normal (which I can mostly do), I would never again be accused as one of those people who lives their disease. The “if you were just more positive” or “if you would just push yourself more” or “smile more and you’ll be happier” people who were born all knowing, obviously.
I have just had a bad case of uncomfortable in my own skin. My bones hurt. My energy is slack. My brain is swirling like a pot of doom. I just want to scream and I want someone to hold me close. Instead I feel lost in outer space.
Even as I type this my shoulder and my fingers are burning. 2 of my friends(in my age group) know I’m doing poorly. My best friend....I can’t tell him. He saw the incident last weekend and honestly I think that’s why I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want him to know I’m struggling to be positive and happy. I really didn’t want him to know. His cup is running over right now, id like my issues to be nonexistent to him.
I’ve been talking to my parents today and thenlast few days about how I’m doing, which is unusual for me. I’m not the best at talking to them about these things.
I spoke to my therapist this morning and he’s going to have me start to doing some writing things for anxiety.
After my collapsing incedent on Saturday, I’ve since repeated it again 2 times almost 3. The other night I wasin my room and I went to walk out and I just hit the ground. Later that night my knees kept getting weak.
I’ve had several anxiety attacks this week. Today I had two break downs where I just lost it crying.
I feel like my body is shot. My spirit is alive and pushing but my body would like me to put it on the shelf for a while.
What did i do?? Every time I think I’m doing something right...my body comes up with these surprises.
I promise, I have things to do beside cry. Actually this evening I was going to do anatomy and physiology homework but hey a mental break down is great too right? *rolls eyes*
I have been living in my own dream world the last few days. I have spent most of my spare world dreaming of a world where Lyme doesn’t exist. I tell myself that if I moved to a new place with new people and new friends, I wouldn’t ever have to tell them about Lyme disease. I could pretend I had never even heard of the “little bug”. I could hide my symptoms well and everyone would be none the wiser.
What a world that would be....a world I dream of
I think often to myself, maybe if I pretend that nothing is wrong then I’ll eventually just forget that I hurt all the time. Maybe I’ll meet people that make me happy and joyful so I could forget about depression and anxiety. Even on top of that, I could forget about being tired and then I could stay so busy that I have too many things to do to spend time on OCD.
What a place...
I think, if I hide that anything is wrong with me and always act normal (which I can mostly do), I would never again be accused as one of those people who lives their disease. The “if you were just more positive” or “if you would just push yourself more” or “smile more and you’ll be happier” people who were born all knowing, obviously.
I have just had a bad case of uncomfortable in my own skin. My bones hurt. My energy is slack. My brain is swirling like a pot of doom. I just want to scream and I want someone to hold me close. Instead I feel lost in outer space.
Even as I type this my shoulder and my fingers are burning. 2 of my friends(in my age group) know I’m doing poorly. My best friend....I can’t tell him. He saw the incident last weekend and honestly I think that’s why I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want him to know I’m struggling to be positive and happy. I really didn’t want him to know. His cup is running over right now, id like my issues to be nonexistent to him.
I’ve been talking to my parents today and thenlast few days about how I’m doing, which is unusual for me. I’m not the best at talking to them about these things.
I spoke to my therapist this morning and he’s going to have me start to doing some writing things for anxiety.
After my collapsing incedent on Saturday, I’ve since repeated it again 2 times almost 3. The other night I wasin my room and I went to walk out and I just hit the ground. Later that night my knees kept getting weak.
I’ve had several anxiety attacks this week. Today I had two break downs where I just lost it crying.
I feel like my body is shot. My spirit is alive and pushing but my body would like me to put it on the shelf for a while.
What did i do?? Every time I think I’m doing something right...my body comes up with these surprises.
I promise, I have things to do beside cry. Actually this evening I was going to do anatomy and physiology homework but hey a mental break down is great too right? *rolls eyes*
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
What Will the Future Hold
Oftentimes I look out in to the distance and I realize something
I can’t control the fact that I’m looking out into the distance. And I can’t help where my mind wanders during that time. And I think, hmm....when did this start?? I used to have such a good brain with concentration and memory and the whole nine yards!
I used to be able to read for hours and hours and not stop until I had to go to bed! As time goes on, reading seems like rocket science.
I can’t stare at a page long enough and even then I may not even remember the words I read.
Again. This has been going on a while but really only recent that I realized that my mind was this level of hijacked.
I have been asking the Lord for so long to point me towards a direction of healing. I ask God to show me that this is all for a reason and I don’t just sufferer for the sake of hurting. I have faith that in the end nothing is an accident. I know I will be totally healed by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ one day, this life or the next. I know that he has me in this life and that any pain I feel will be temporary. It just may not seem so temporary right now.
Me and the Lord have been having a lot of conversations lately if you can’t tell. I am really getting to the point where I have realized the severity of my psychological health. I realize that something severe has happened to my mind and it’s not just some plain Jain depression. I can’t think like myself anymore, my brain won’t let me do so many things. Let me tell you something it sure ain’t for lack of trying!! I try to read all the time and I do successfully read short things. I try to feel joy and peace, and I do but they tend just be short moments for whatever reason unbeknownst to me! I want to feel joy in my life but it is currently Gods plan to learn what life would be without joy. Is it there? Yes. Can I feel it? Ok maybe not so well but it’s there.
I may have possibly reached some answers for some prayers. I have for so long now prayed for my way to end the pain. In time I have realized that even though I would never kill myself or anything so extreme, I have come to think about the subject much more often than I really appreciate. I’d rather not have the feeling of wanting to die to reach escape. I have so many aspirations in life and I know that no matter what situation I am placed in, it will work out for my best. I have had many enjoyable moments living in a sick world. I have had many deep spiritual conversations with people that I would have without a doubt never had if Lyme had never happened.
Like anyone else I’d prefer to not live in some form of chronic pain! Whether it be physical or mental.
See! I got distracted again.
Ok. Answer to prayers. Hurrying it up here.
I have been having some different talks with people and I have been reading a book. I have found a clinic that specializes in brain Spectography which can actually take images of my entire brain and see exactly what is and isn’t working properly. On top of that I will be tested at rest and at work, so the dr can see the change in function.
I have been given the referral to this doctor so that I can begin testing. In the next few days it is possible that my appointment will be setup. This clinic is also Lyme educated, strep educated, as well as some other out of the box scenarios that can affect mental health. They even know a thing or two about chronic insomniacs!
If I can get some sleep out of this, it will be worth it!! I didn’t sleep right even before Lyme.
This clinic is pro natural, so they use supplements, diet, and exercise. They do have the ability to prescribe, though it is not their first preference. I would prefer to never take a drug again, but I am at my wits end. I just feel floaty-boats-lost in space all the time.
I miss my personality! I remember myself as a happy fun person (with a smidge or nerd I’ll admit). I’d like to be that person again!!
I just wanted to share that I will be trying some new things soon...
It’s time that my body get back to living healthy and not living to attempt healthy. I don’t like feeling like I am one of those people who claims their illness. Lyme does not have me, Lyme is just living in my space without permission for the moment being. It is unwelcome in my body, my mind, and my life.
I eat healthy to treat my body right, not to be a snob or be picky. I like Cheetos and Oreos like anyone else I promise. But I don’t like how they make me feel so no, I won’t eat them. (Yes I know people who eat food all the time they know makes them sick. Apparently it’s not a no brainer)
I am excited. It does not sound like a long drawn out process for working towards a solution. Won’t be instant of course and will require work. If it requires excercise...oh boy...that will be HARD work for me! My body despised it for some reason.
But if I’m told to run I’ll run. If I’m told to do stretches I’ll stretch. If the doctor can tell me a comprehensive plan and what all everything will do for me, I’ll work to make it happen.
I am probably looking at a few months before returning to normal but I do know that some things could help right off the bat.
The ball just needs to get rolling.
I’ll post more when I have more information on the psychiatrist booked.
I can’t control the fact that I’m looking out into the distance. And I can’t help where my mind wanders during that time. And I think, hmm....when did this start?? I used to have such a good brain with concentration and memory and the whole nine yards!
I used to be able to read for hours and hours and not stop until I had to go to bed! As time goes on, reading seems like rocket science.
I can’t stare at a page long enough and even then I may not even remember the words I read.
Again. This has been going on a while but really only recent that I realized that my mind was this level of hijacked.
I have been asking the Lord for so long to point me towards a direction of healing. I ask God to show me that this is all for a reason and I don’t just sufferer for the sake of hurting. I have faith that in the end nothing is an accident. I know I will be totally healed by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ one day, this life or the next. I know that he has me in this life and that any pain I feel will be temporary. It just may not seem so temporary right now.
Me and the Lord have been having a lot of conversations lately if you can’t tell. I am really getting to the point where I have realized the severity of my psychological health. I realize that something severe has happened to my mind and it’s not just some plain Jain depression. I can’t think like myself anymore, my brain won’t let me do so many things. Let me tell you something it sure ain’t for lack of trying!! I try to read all the time and I do successfully read short things. I try to feel joy and peace, and I do but they tend just be short moments for whatever reason unbeknownst to me! I want to feel joy in my life but it is currently Gods plan to learn what life would be without joy. Is it there? Yes. Can I feel it? Ok maybe not so well but it’s there.
I may have possibly reached some answers for some prayers. I have for so long now prayed for my way to end the pain. In time I have realized that even though I would never kill myself or anything so extreme, I have come to think about the subject much more often than I really appreciate. I’d rather not have the feeling of wanting to die to reach escape. I have so many aspirations in life and I know that no matter what situation I am placed in, it will work out for my best. I have had many enjoyable moments living in a sick world. I have had many deep spiritual conversations with people that I would have without a doubt never had if Lyme had never happened.
Like anyone else I’d prefer to not live in some form of chronic pain! Whether it be physical or mental.
See! I got distracted again.
Ok. Answer to prayers. Hurrying it up here.
I have been having some different talks with people and I have been reading a book. I have found a clinic that specializes in brain Spectography which can actually take images of my entire brain and see exactly what is and isn’t working properly. On top of that I will be tested at rest and at work, so the dr can see the change in function.
I have been given the referral to this doctor so that I can begin testing. In the next few days it is possible that my appointment will be setup. This clinic is also Lyme educated, strep educated, as well as some other out of the box scenarios that can affect mental health. They even know a thing or two about chronic insomniacs!
If I can get some sleep out of this, it will be worth it!! I didn’t sleep right even before Lyme.
This clinic is pro natural, so they use supplements, diet, and exercise. They do have the ability to prescribe, though it is not their first preference. I would prefer to never take a drug again, but I am at my wits end. I just feel floaty-boats-lost in space all the time.
I miss my personality! I remember myself as a happy fun person (with a smidge or nerd I’ll admit). I’d like to be that person again!!
I just wanted to share that I will be trying some new things soon...
It’s time that my body get back to living healthy and not living to attempt healthy. I don’t like feeling like I am one of those people who claims their illness. Lyme does not have me, Lyme is just living in my space without permission for the moment being. It is unwelcome in my body, my mind, and my life.
I eat healthy to treat my body right, not to be a snob or be picky. I like Cheetos and Oreos like anyone else I promise. But I don’t like how they make me feel so no, I won’t eat them. (Yes I know people who eat food all the time they know makes them sick. Apparently it’s not a no brainer)
I am excited. It does not sound like a long drawn out process for working towards a solution. Won’t be instant of course and will require work. If it requires excercise...oh boy...that will be HARD work for me! My body despised it for some reason.
But if I’m told to run I’ll run. If I’m told to do stretches I’ll stretch. If the doctor can tell me a comprehensive plan and what all everything will do for me, I’ll work to make it happen.
I am probably looking at a few months before returning to normal but I do know that some things could help right off the bat.
The ball just needs to get rolling.
I’ll post more when I have more information on the psychiatrist booked.
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Rough Night
Well I am here to report my trip has ended, I am heading on back to my own home. I am so sad to go, it was an amazing fantastic visit. Lots of emotions due to the occasion, I cannot understand what my friend is going through. I don’t have the magic words or magic wand to make things all better. Today is his moms anniversary. I am sad I was only able to spend part of the day with him, but I am even more grateful that I was able to be here for the whole weekend! It was worth every bit of spoons I exerted and every bit of stress it took to get to him.
I’m going to miss him. At baggage check I was tearing up in the airport, I felt so dumb for being upset already. I’ll probably see him in a month. Not for the same extent but I may.
Last night I had a lovely Lyme episode. I was in my friends dorm room waiting on him to get off work, his roommate and friends were also in the room playing video games. I started feeling kinda funky. Dizzy but not exactly. I’ve never experienced it before, this was new. After my friend came back to the room I started feeling light headed so I sat on the ground while he did what he needed to do. When it was time to head on to the car and go back to the hotel for the night, it got worse. We made it through the dorm and down the sidewalk before I started feeling worse. I told myself I could make it to the car and hotel. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t okay, this weekend was about my friend not about my Lyme crap. I said to myself that if it gets much worse I’ll get my friends attention , he will do something to help. I couldn’t open my mouth before I hit the ground. I had been walking in between my friend and another friend. Next thing I knew my knees were kissing the sidewalk. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was so embarresed and I didn’t want anyone to see. My best friend helped me back to the car. He stayed with me until I could walk normally. He prayed over me.
I’ve been off ever since then. Especially emotionally. My brain is scrambled eggs and I’m emotional. I know it’s temporary though. That scared me though, I don’t know what happened. I think it was anxiety. I’ll talk to my therapist later.
I’m going to miss him. At baggage check I was tearing up in the airport, I felt so dumb for being upset already. I’ll probably see him in a month. Not for the same extent but I may.
Last night I had a lovely Lyme episode. I was in my friends dorm room waiting on him to get off work, his roommate and friends were also in the room playing video games. I started feeling kinda funky. Dizzy but not exactly. I’ve never experienced it before, this was new. After my friend came back to the room I started feeling light headed so I sat on the ground while he did what he needed to do. When it was time to head on to the car and go back to the hotel for the night, it got worse. We made it through the dorm and down the sidewalk before I started feeling worse. I told myself I could make it to the car and hotel. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t okay, this weekend was about my friend not about my Lyme crap. I said to myself that if it gets much worse I’ll get my friends attention , he will do something to help. I couldn’t open my mouth before I hit the ground. I had been walking in between my friend and another friend. Next thing I knew my knees were kissing the sidewalk. All I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was so embarresed and I didn’t want anyone to see. My best friend helped me back to the car. He stayed with me until I could walk normally. He prayed over me.
I’ve been off ever since then. Especially emotionally. My brain is scrambled eggs and I’m emotional. I know it’s temporary though. That scared me though, I don’t know what happened. I think it was anxiety. I’ll talk to my therapist later.
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Emotions All Around
Greetings! I have good things to report this weekend!
I am spending the weekend with my bestest friend at his college with him. I haven’t seen him in two months! And it’s been a hard painful two months! I’ve missed him so much. Being sick for years made me realize that most people aren’t worth being friends with. People have no compassion, no real life goals, they lose their faith in God and become lukewarm. They just become so plain bagel, achieving so little in their life. Those people are so hard to be friends with, they aren’t real.
But not my best friend. He’s a human being with goals he’s working his tail off to achieve, he has actual feelings, he strives to be the best he can he doesn’t just settle for whatever is easiest. That’s probably why him and I get along so well! We are both hard workers and real thinkers!
I head back home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I like his friends here and I like being with him here at his school. I’ve only been here a night and I feel more at home here, in a strange bed and a strange place, than I have ever felt in my own bed in my own house. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know why. Maybe I just hate being away from my friend.
I don’t know when I’ll get to see him after tomorrow. Maybe thanksgiving.
I’m laying in his bed right now waiting on him to get off work. I have a special surprise for him, tomorrow is the 11th anniversery of his moms death. They call it Grape Day because synthetic grape flavor was her favorite. In commemoration they consume grape things that she loved. One of these things is grape soda, which my friend hates but because of his mom, he loves it once a year. So tonight at midnight I’m going to surprise him with some grape soda.
He’s stressed and upset out of his mind this weekend. Memories are hitting him hard. If I could take the pain away I would. I wish I could. I don’t want to see him hurting so badly. His mom was an awesome woman, she did it all. She loved everyone. And my friend has a lot of her qualities, which draw him close to the memories of his mom. It amazes me to no end.
So if you could all keep him in your prayers this weekend. He’s got the biggest heart I know, so when it breaks like this-it breaks.
I wish I could stay longer to comfort him.
I almost feel wrong for leaving tomorrow but I have no choice....
I am spending the weekend with my bestest friend at his college with him. I haven’t seen him in two months! And it’s been a hard painful two months! I’ve missed him so much. Being sick for years made me realize that most people aren’t worth being friends with. People have no compassion, no real life goals, they lose their faith in God and become lukewarm. They just become so plain bagel, achieving so little in their life. Those people are so hard to be friends with, they aren’t real.
But not my best friend. He’s a human being with goals he’s working his tail off to achieve, he has actual feelings, he strives to be the best he can he doesn’t just settle for whatever is easiest. That’s probably why him and I get along so well! We are both hard workers and real thinkers!
I head back home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I like his friends here and I like being with him here at his school. I’ve only been here a night and I feel more at home here, in a strange bed and a strange place, than I have ever felt in my own bed in my own house. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know why. Maybe I just hate being away from my friend.
I don’t know when I’ll get to see him after tomorrow. Maybe thanksgiving.
I’m laying in his bed right now waiting on him to get off work. I have a special surprise for him, tomorrow is the 11th anniversery of his moms death. They call it Grape Day because synthetic grape flavor was her favorite. In commemoration they consume grape things that she loved. One of these things is grape soda, which my friend hates but because of his mom, he loves it once a year. So tonight at midnight I’m going to surprise him with some grape soda.
He’s stressed and upset out of his mind this weekend. Memories are hitting him hard. If I could take the pain away I would. I wish I could. I don’t want to see him hurting so badly. His mom was an awesome woman, she did it all. She loved everyone. And my friend has a lot of her qualities, which draw him close to the memories of his mom. It amazes me to no end.
So if you could all keep him in your prayers this weekend. He’s got the biggest heart I know, so when it breaks like this-it breaks.
I wish I could stay longer to comfort him.
I almost feel wrong for leaving tomorrow but I have no choice....
Friday, October 19, 2018
Forgot to Sleep
Sleeping
I’m told is very important for physical and mental health. Honestly I’m just living on faith that that’s true the truth. Insomnia, what can I say, I’ve NOT slept more in my life than I have slept. Just is what it is. Haven’t figured out the magic code for that one yet. Recently I asked my doctor to let me try a sleeping drug again to see if I could find some relief. In the past I’ve had ambien and restoril, with rather lacking results. That was probably three years ago. This time she gave me Lunesta!
Much to my dismay, the green Lunamoth from the commercial isn’t real. I took the drug two nights in a row. She told me my dose was a higher one because of my history with lackluster results with prescriptions. It actually helped me sleep! First time for everything! Now this is where a regular person would cheer and say whoohoo the medicine works! But. I ain’t a regular person. Did I sleep better ?? Sure did. Did I feel better? Oh no. No no. I was completely zombiefied the next day both days. It made me depressed and just completely brain dead.
Needless to say...I’ve already taken a hiatus from the new drug. Unfortunately I feel and function better on no sleep than I do with sleep(induced by meds). One day when I don’t have anything to worry about the following day, I’m going to give a 1/2 or 1/4 dose a shot to see if that gives me fewer side effects. I don’t even like taking prescriptions, but it would be so nice just to have something to rescue me on one of those *extra* bad nights when I’m still 1000% wide awake at 5:00am. It happens!!
For those of you in the crowd wondering, and yes there’s always one of you out there to ask me this question. Yes I have tried melatonin. No it didn’t work. Yes I tried taking more or taking less. I didn’t sleep earlier or harder, it just made me more tired the next day.
The last two nights for me have been borderline tragic. I don’t know if I would say I’ve even slept, just dozed. The next day always feels like a continuation of the day before...I hate those days.
The strange part is how okay it is though, I have the same amount of energy as normal. Maybe a little less, and certainly less brain power. But I’ve aced tests in school on 0% sleep. So that should tell you how active my brain will stay even in the most sleep deprived of states.
Honestly I think I if I slept like a normal human being I would have the energy to do things like exercise and exert energy. Wouldn’t shock me at all if my chronic always awakeness was contributing to the cause of me not being able to exert myself.
This weeks sleep, er lack of sleep, has led me to beginning to feel ill. This evening I had a headache and my sinuses acting up. Oh dear. Just what I need, a sinus bug! The ibuprofen took care of the headache. I’m hoping my vitamins and natural antibiotics knock out any possible infection. I just don’t want to get sick! No no no!
Normally I stay on a low dose of a natural antibiotic called Biocidin. I keep on it as it’s a good anti strep anti fungal, two things I struggle with. Well two days ago I had the bright idea that maybe this Biocidin was possibly causing me to feel worse. Maybe it was stirring up to much in my system. So I said hey, I don’t take that much anyway I’m going to take a break. The last two days that I’ve been off the supplement, I’ve felt fairly good. I’ve had some more energy and stamina. This evening though, I decided it wasn’t worth getting sick so I restarted the med. I’m hoping that I caught it in time, if I ever get strep my psychological state sufferers. It has been suffering today like it does when I get exposed to strep. For whatever reason, something that I’ve noticed that will happen is I’ll get intrusive scary thoughts, like imagining myself getting hit by another car running through an intersection. I recognize that this isn’t normal and it isn’t exactly my normal either...thought I’ve had intrusive thoughts many times even for long periods. It mostly disappeared after I treated strep several months back.
Now...I just gotta catch up and make sure nothing can take hold! I prefer my head on my shoulders rather than up there in the fluffy clouds.
I started 5 drops of Biocidin, 1 teaspoon of vitamin C powder, 10,000 IU of Vit D, and a fair dose of vitamin A. Plus I gargled some salt water.
If I could get some sleep I think this bug wouldn’t have a chance !! So tonight, I’m praying for some zzz’s!!
Monday, October 15, 2018
Head Above Water
The Song
Avril Lavigne has written a song that has recently become the anthem of my life. When she released Head Above Water a few weeks ago I fell in love instantly. I was a fan of hers pre my lyme and pre her lyme.
When she contracted Lyme a few years back and had the interview where she busted out in tears, I knew that she "got it". It was obvious that being sick struck a chord, which lead to her fighting back. I cannot help but admire her fighting spirit! She isn't a victim, she's out there helping victims. Thats not the most common feature found in the lyme community. Often lyme sufferers are left lacking support. There are very few foundations and fundraisers to help spread awareness and give support to those in need. But Avril seems to be putting in an effort to bring Lyme out of the shadows and make it public.
The new song Head Above Water was very inspirational for me to hear. Its one of those songs that manages to pull some of those fighting emotions out, along with a few tears. The song is so sincere and visceral. " Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for, I don't want less I don't want more"....This line alone is a prayer I have prayed many nights, asking God to just give me my life to live to take me out of my misery.
"God keep my head above water"...I think drowning fits the feeling most of us with chronic illness feel. I know I have used the word drowning many times on this blog.
"Im too young to fall asleep"...I think this line says it all for itself. I was young when I became ill. I was about 13-14 when I came to grips with dying sooner rather than later. I was sure that my body was slowly giving out. When I was 15 I really bottomed out and I thought (also read hoped)that I was coming closer to the end. Even today some days I feel almost feeble. I can go from being active and happy to weak and confused. Some days I feel like gravity is causing my entire body to cave in.
All through it though, I have asked God that if meant to be, that I live longer and that my illness serve a purpose to others and that I waste nothing.
As you can see this song means a ton to me. It resonated very deeply with how Ive personally felt.
I have shared this song with everyone I can think of, even teachers at school!
It accurately displays how i've felt throughout my journey of chronic illness, thats for sure. Asking God to pull me up from the depths has probably been a daily prayer for years now.
If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend it!
Avril Lavigne has written a song that has recently become the anthem of my life. When she released Head Above Water a few weeks ago I fell in love instantly. I was a fan of hers pre my lyme and pre her lyme.
When she contracted Lyme a few years back and had the interview where she busted out in tears, I knew that she "got it". It was obvious that being sick struck a chord, which lead to her fighting back. I cannot help but admire her fighting spirit! She isn't a victim, she's out there helping victims. Thats not the most common feature found in the lyme community. Often lyme sufferers are left lacking support. There are very few foundations and fundraisers to help spread awareness and give support to those in need. But Avril seems to be putting in an effort to bring Lyme out of the shadows and make it public.
The new song Head Above Water was very inspirational for me to hear. Its one of those songs that manages to pull some of those fighting emotions out, along with a few tears. The song is so sincere and visceral. " Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for, I don't want less I don't want more"....This line alone is a prayer I have prayed many nights, asking God to just give me my life to live to take me out of my misery.
"God keep my head above water"...I think drowning fits the feeling most of us with chronic illness feel. I know I have used the word drowning many times on this blog.
"Im too young to fall asleep"...I think this line says it all for itself. I was young when I became ill. I was about 13-14 when I came to grips with dying sooner rather than later. I was sure that my body was slowly giving out. When I was 15 I really bottomed out and I thought (also read hoped)that I was coming closer to the end. Even today some days I feel almost feeble. I can go from being active and happy to weak and confused. Some days I feel like gravity is causing my entire body to cave in.
All through it though, I have asked God that if meant to be, that I live longer and that my illness serve a purpose to others and that I waste nothing.
As you can see this song means a ton to me. It resonated very deeply with how Ive personally felt.
I have shared this song with everyone I can think of, even teachers at school!
It accurately displays how i've felt throughout my journey of chronic illness, thats for sure. Asking God to pull me up from the depths has probably been a daily prayer for years now.
If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend it!
October Update 2018
Updates 10-15-18
Hey you guys, I know im staying rather quiet these days but I promise its because im staying busy and feeling well enough to stay busy!
It has been a long while since Ive given an actual update as to how I am doing. Ive written several (ok maybe dozens) of emotional posts about this and that and how my emotions seem to successfully screw things up. But those posts are a bit misleading as to how I am doing overall. Yes, emotions of mine do get in the way a lot. Yes I believe they stem from something with some chronic illness of mine, possibly lyme or possibly due to a strep infection. But no, I do actually live. I work 20-25 hours a week, I go to school full time, I have some hobbies that take up a fair bit of time and energy (this blog being one) and I have a social life. I try my absolute best to never find myself bored, I find that if I get bored ill just spiral into depression (even if just for a matter of hours). Depression is one of the most horrible things out there in my opinion, if going out with some friends, reading, working on my car, working, or even-dare I say it-homework...keep me far away from feeling depressed than so be it!
Symptoms as of 10-15-18
Insomnia-this one is pretty bad. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being worst, Im a 6 on a fantastic night, 9 on a horrible night, and about 8 on an average night. Sleep typically lasts from 3:00am-8:00am. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Usually said sleep is rather broken and contains periods of waking up or just dozing.
Pain-not so bad, but its there. If I stretch my pain, especially in my back, will improve.But sometimes i just hurt.
Dizziness-2 on a 0-10, Ive had very few days where dizziness has been an issue. Sometimes its nonexistent for days or weeks.
Brain fog-4 on a 0-10. Its still there on the daily but im doing well in school, so it can't be that bad.
Emotions-A good day they're about a 4. A bad day they can reach a full 10 which includes (but not limited to) crying, arguing in my mind, bits of anger, segregating myself from human kind, and complete inability to be productive.
Cough-I have developed this cough due to a cyst on my thyroid. Some days its not bad but other days my throat is sore and I cough hard for several minutes at a time. More on this at a later date.
Exercise-Still very hard. I feel like im left for dead if I ever do any exercise of substance even for a few minutes. I walk though and I am trying to make that a part of my daily routine. At one point in time I walked most weekdays and felt very well doing so (this was years ago), Im going to make this happen again. One of my long term goals is to be able to get back into doing some hardcore stretching and strength building. The one sport I ever participated in that I miss is gymnastics, I may be a bit old for that now but I could still do some things in the sport. Just to say I can do it.
Hallucinations- I haven't mentioned this one in a while but I think its safe to say this symptom is a full 0 and has been for a while.
Stomach pain and lack of appetite-7 out of 10, I can eat and its rare I actually have pain. But I just cannot eat enough food. I eat tiny portions and a slim number of meals. Some days I can eat plenty compared to my average but its still no where close to the calorie count I should be consuming. If I was one of those people who posted pics of their food on Instagram, they'd be more like monthly posts instead of weekly or daily LOL
This has become a much shorter list than it once was. I used to have a couple dozen symptoms, thankfully im down to just a few.
One thing that I have benefitted from keeping this blog is the record of the last few years of treatment. It can really put things into perspective on how things can change for the better.
I will one day be as strong physically as I am mentally. I like to think I am a strong fighter against chronic disease. I dont take things sitting down, just waiting for something magical to happen. I may not take anything lying down but I do take many things on my knees. I thank God for all that he has taught me over the last seven, close to eight, years now. I have learned many invaluable lessons and id like to think ive been able to help other people with what they go through. My faith is strong, I know that only my earthly body is affected by struggles. My spirit does get afflicted and the stress of it all does wear on ones heart after so long, but in the end neither Lyme, nor any other illness can kill my spirit. I will always have my relationship with Jesus. No sleepless night or extreme pain or starvation can take that away. There is a special peace in knowing that I will always have the Lord by my side. I know that I will one day be 100% healed, whether it be in my earthly home or when I go be with the Lord. I know that suffering is never forever, even when anxiety tries to tell me that it is.
I know that each prayer and each pill bottle completed is one step closer to full healing. There is no "magic number" to how many prayers are said or how many pills are taken, but whether we realize it or not one day we will pray "please heal my XYZ" or "please take away this pain" for the last time. Again, whether it be because healing was physical or spiritual, healing from the Lord is healing.
I am thankful for my illness and thankful for my suffering. I have never in the last seven years said-this was a mistake, I was never meant to get sick. Because I was, take it as you wish, but suffering is a part of this life. No one lives a pain free or illness free life. I personally believe that my illness was due to the Fall of Man in the Book of Genesis. Due to the sin of man, by choice, we will all be destined to a less than perfect life until Christ's return.
I will take the path I am given in stride. I will make mistakes, I will be negative, and I will get angry. But once I stop throwing my tantrum I will take ever measure that I can find to fight back against whatever the struggle may be.
What can I say, fighting is in my blood?
Here is my most recent picture of pill bottle empties-
Its been a while since I posted a pic, but for those of you who are new readers here. I save all of my empty pill bottles. I want to see how many bottles, capsules, and oz's of liquid it takes before I can say I DID IT! This collection is still growing. I like to think of all my empty bottles as proof of fighting. Each pill, one step closer to beating Lyme. I also view them as encouragement, I can look back and hold a pill bottle that I once needed for a symptom that left months or years ago and say-this battle was a success. Or I can look at how many bottles ive used for fighting a particular symptom and say-one step closer. I like tangible proof, I like the things I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands. Saving my bottles gives me a way of looking back, and viewing how ive changed things for the better going forward. They show that I didn't quit. If I had skipped out on treatment I wouldn't have any bottles and id sure have a whole lot more symptoms. Or worse, if I had given up on life altogether and quit in the most tragic of ways, there would be fewer bottles or even no bottles.
Id like to ask each one of you to pray for someone you know is in need. I always covet prayers from others, for healing, support, for a healthy body, and pray for encouragement. But maybe make it part of you're routine to pray for your friends and family who are going through some things in their life.
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them"
Matthew 18:20
Hey you guys, I know im staying rather quiet these days but I promise its because im staying busy and feeling well enough to stay busy!
It has been a long while since Ive given an actual update as to how I am doing. Ive written several (ok maybe dozens) of emotional posts about this and that and how my emotions seem to successfully screw things up. But those posts are a bit misleading as to how I am doing overall. Yes, emotions of mine do get in the way a lot. Yes I believe they stem from something with some chronic illness of mine, possibly lyme or possibly due to a strep infection. But no, I do actually live. I work 20-25 hours a week, I go to school full time, I have some hobbies that take up a fair bit of time and energy (this blog being one) and I have a social life. I try my absolute best to never find myself bored, I find that if I get bored ill just spiral into depression (even if just for a matter of hours). Depression is one of the most horrible things out there in my opinion, if going out with some friends, reading, working on my car, working, or even-dare I say it-homework...keep me far away from feeling depressed than so be it!
Symptoms as of 10-15-18
Insomnia-this one is pretty bad. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being worst, Im a 6 on a fantastic night, 9 on a horrible night, and about 8 on an average night. Sleep typically lasts from 3:00am-8:00am. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Usually said sleep is rather broken and contains periods of waking up or just dozing.
Pain-not so bad, but its there. If I stretch my pain, especially in my back, will improve.But sometimes i just hurt.
Dizziness-2 on a 0-10, Ive had very few days where dizziness has been an issue. Sometimes its nonexistent for days or weeks.
Brain fog-4 on a 0-10. Its still there on the daily but im doing well in school, so it can't be that bad.
Emotions-A good day they're about a 4. A bad day they can reach a full 10 which includes (but not limited to) crying, arguing in my mind, bits of anger, segregating myself from human kind, and complete inability to be productive.
Cough-I have developed this cough due to a cyst on my thyroid. Some days its not bad but other days my throat is sore and I cough hard for several minutes at a time. More on this at a later date.
Exercise-Still very hard. I feel like im left for dead if I ever do any exercise of substance even for a few minutes. I walk though and I am trying to make that a part of my daily routine. At one point in time I walked most weekdays and felt very well doing so (this was years ago), Im going to make this happen again. One of my long term goals is to be able to get back into doing some hardcore stretching and strength building. The one sport I ever participated in that I miss is gymnastics, I may be a bit old for that now but I could still do some things in the sport. Just to say I can do it.
Hallucinations- I haven't mentioned this one in a while but I think its safe to say this symptom is a full 0 and has been for a while.
Stomach pain and lack of appetite-7 out of 10, I can eat and its rare I actually have pain. But I just cannot eat enough food. I eat tiny portions and a slim number of meals. Some days I can eat plenty compared to my average but its still no where close to the calorie count I should be consuming. If I was one of those people who posted pics of their food on Instagram, they'd be more like monthly posts instead of weekly or daily LOL
This has become a much shorter list than it once was. I used to have a couple dozen symptoms, thankfully im down to just a few.
One thing that I have benefitted from keeping this blog is the record of the last few years of treatment. It can really put things into perspective on how things can change for the better.
I will one day be as strong physically as I am mentally. I like to think I am a strong fighter against chronic disease. I dont take things sitting down, just waiting for something magical to happen. I may not take anything lying down but I do take many things on my knees. I thank God for all that he has taught me over the last seven, close to eight, years now. I have learned many invaluable lessons and id like to think ive been able to help other people with what they go through. My faith is strong, I know that only my earthly body is affected by struggles. My spirit does get afflicted and the stress of it all does wear on ones heart after so long, but in the end neither Lyme, nor any other illness can kill my spirit. I will always have my relationship with Jesus. No sleepless night or extreme pain or starvation can take that away. There is a special peace in knowing that I will always have the Lord by my side. I know that I will one day be 100% healed, whether it be in my earthly home or when I go be with the Lord. I know that suffering is never forever, even when anxiety tries to tell me that it is.
I know that each prayer and each pill bottle completed is one step closer to full healing. There is no "magic number" to how many prayers are said or how many pills are taken, but whether we realize it or not one day we will pray "please heal my XYZ" or "please take away this pain" for the last time. Again, whether it be because healing was physical or spiritual, healing from the Lord is healing.
I am thankful for my illness and thankful for my suffering. I have never in the last seven years said-this was a mistake, I was never meant to get sick. Because I was, take it as you wish, but suffering is a part of this life. No one lives a pain free or illness free life. I personally believe that my illness was due to the Fall of Man in the Book of Genesis. Due to the sin of man, by choice, we will all be destined to a less than perfect life until Christ's return.
I will take the path I am given in stride. I will make mistakes, I will be negative, and I will get angry. But once I stop throwing my tantrum I will take ever measure that I can find to fight back against whatever the struggle may be.
What can I say, fighting is in my blood?
Here is my most recent picture of pill bottle empties-
Its been a while since I posted a pic, but for those of you who are new readers here. I save all of my empty pill bottles. I want to see how many bottles, capsules, and oz's of liquid it takes before I can say I DID IT! This collection is still growing. I like to think of all my empty bottles as proof of fighting. Each pill, one step closer to beating Lyme. I also view them as encouragement, I can look back and hold a pill bottle that I once needed for a symptom that left months or years ago and say-this battle was a success. Or I can look at how many bottles ive used for fighting a particular symptom and say-one step closer. I like tangible proof, I like the things I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands. Saving my bottles gives me a way of looking back, and viewing how ive changed things for the better going forward. They show that I didn't quit. If I had skipped out on treatment I wouldn't have any bottles and id sure have a whole lot more symptoms. Or worse, if I had given up on life altogether and quit in the most tragic of ways, there would be fewer bottles or even no bottles.
Id like to ask each one of you to pray for someone you know is in need. I always covet prayers from others, for healing, support, for a healthy body, and pray for encouragement. But maybe make it part of you're routine to pray for your friends and family who are going through some things in their life.
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them"
Matthew 18:20
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Who Am I Now?
Who Am I?
I feel like I do nothing but struggle with my identity these days. Like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have so so many things I would like to do with my life, I want to go on adventures, I want to meet people, I want to take on more projects, I want to take more classes in school, and most of all I would like to rediscover my faith. Its been so long since I have felt or acted like my old self. I often wonder whether I have changed because of growth or changed because Ive been taken over by grief and anger.
I miss writing positive things. I get to miss that a little less today, because today I am going to be positive. Life sucks. People are mean and self centered. I do not think I have found anything that I can actually rely on long term. Car? Breaks eventually. House? Things leak, break, or even get destroyed. Friends? They leave or change, or I change, sometimes moving different directions in life. Family? Oh don't even get me started, next! Church? Again with the people...
Okay Okay im going to be positive now.
I haven't posted at all this month because I have been doing well. If I hadn't become so pessimistic I would even say I am doing great. Fear is what stops me from saying I am doing great. Im going to change that. I am slowly going to get rid of my fears.
I bought a new project car last month. A completely sad and worn out old car. This poor car, its older than I am. It has not been loved well in a long while. Its a pretty blue, 1989 Maserati. I know what you are thinking, Maserati? As in Ferrari's little brother? Those expensive sports cars that are never actually spotted in the wild? Yep, its one of those.
This little car is a 4 seater sedan with just over 72K miles on it. I bought it dead, for a good price. No start, no lights on the dash, completely dead. But me and the sad little blue car have bonded. I know what its like to be the hidden gem in the crowd that just needs some extra attention. This car was one of the fastest cars of the 80's, especially for a 4 door. Its a cute car, I have been giving it my attention. A lot. A whole lot. In fact I think this car has successfully taken over my life.
On my first day of ownership I fiddled the little car back to life. I did something during my switch jiggling that struck a chord in the old thing. It lit up again. Here I was sitting in my driveway, in the driver seat, watching the rain come down. I thought ok, lights came on, lets start it. It took several tries and lots of encouragement and it started up. I put it in gear and we set off on our first journey together. I drove the car down the driveway, around the cull de sac, and back down the driveway. I thought whew! It runs after all! My life working on this car just became easy. Keep in mind this is still day 1 back in August. I was very wrong. I went to start the little blue car up again later, didn't go so well this time. I tried and I tried, I just could not get a start. So under the hood I go...straight to the oil. What I see? milky oil. My little maserati has a blown head gasket. Good news is I bought the car for a deal, so head gasket set was figured into the price.
The car is still parked in the very spot I first parked it in when I found out she wasn't going to start again without major engine surgery.
I have worked extensively on the car. I have put an extreme amount of energy in the car. I managed to make myself proud at how hard Ive worked on this project. My energy has held up for the most part, I am in an energy lull now but its because of some sleep issues going on. I think I have put over 80 hours of labor into the car, possibly more.
I have been successful. I took the engine apart! Never done anything like that before in my life. But I did it! I took it apart, replaced many worn out bits. I have even got it resembled, it'll even start up! The car is still protesting me though, she cranks up ok, but the massive coolant leak spraying under the car dictates that I must turn the key back and pull it out. *sigh*
But Im close. Next time I have a full Saturday to dedicate to this project, I may just get to drive her farther than the mailbox.
Lyme, at one point in my life, would have never let me think about A. Buying a car. B. Buying a broken car. or C. Buying a very broken car that needed a top end engine rebuild. This is part of my success story. I know that without a doubt my body couldn't have done this two years ago. In less than 6 weeks I have disassembled and rebuild the top of the engine, myself. Its hard labor, it requires may brain to work hard and it requires my body to have energy. Things I tend to run low on.
I am proud. I am thankful. I am going forward. Life is becoming real again.
If the car caught fire tomorrow and burnt to a crisp, id be ok. I have more satisfaction in myself than I have had in a long time. This car and I are working on discovering our lives in motion again together. Actually this car has had more down time than I have, according to carfax it was off the road and unregistered from 2001 to 2014. 13 years off the road, sitting somewhere. Thats a part of the story that I dont know unfortunately.
I know that with enough attention and fine tuning, this car will be a roaring beast again. Today may not be that day but so what? Im not going anywhere and it can't go anywhere, ill get it going. It'll be fast, it'll be strong.
I did not know I could enjoy hard labor so much. Ive always enjoyed working hard with projects but I do not think I have ever undertaken a task that is as physically, mentally, or as financially taxing as I have until recently. I love it, many days I hate it but its only because I become impatient, I am learning to enjoy the ride. Its so important to learn how to spot progress in life. My sister and I were talking today, both of us are doing psychology based majors in college. She was telling me about how learning delayed gratification young in life can create for a much high chance of success and happiness later in life. I don't doubt that one bit, I would say the things that have brought me the most joy in life are the ones I have had to work and wait for.
I always remind myself that life is a battle worth fighting. Lyme is what taught me to fight. I may not get up and throw punches or roll some heads, but I can work myself through a stressful situation. I can find a solution, I can think creatively and outside of the box. Many people my age can't think outside of the box, they are only followers, not thinkers.
I still on a daily basis still feel like I am fighting with my soul. Tonight I just couldn't sleep, not a chance, none. Wide awake over here. I have a lot of inner turmoil. Anxiety is the name of the game, not sleeping is what rattles my brain. I have a long list of things I would like to do, but I am not really doing them. I am doing the car, yes. But its temporary. Im trying my best to bring up the courage to live on my own. On the days I feel human the thought is easy, the how, when, why, etc-easy. On the days that I have to look past my homework stack and car keys just to take up residence in my bed...not so encouraging for moving out.
I need to move out, I needed to about a year ago. I know it and I feel it. Unfortunately life just has not worked out for me to sow my own oats
Every time I think about how it would have been nice to have moved out, I look back. Looking back over this last year...gotta say, Ive seen so many blessings in being where I am.
One of my teachers from last semester and again this semester, has been one of the greatest encouragements. She has really taught me how to see myself. On the bad days I may not see myself in a good light but now I know how to look. Some days I can see a little more positive than I did before,
This teacher has really just been one of those great lights in my life.
I have had a few people over the last year like that. Not necessarily people in my personal life but teachers at school, people who have become my friends even though I never thought of them that way, people I meet through work. Even if I don't see what Im supposed to be doing with my life right now to bring the most satisfaction further down the road, I know I will be okay. Just because I can't see it today doesn't mean I won't see it tomorrow.
Thinking positive is something I am pushing myself to do more of. Every time im around positive people or I accomplish something that makes me happy I find I feel better. I dont mean an A on a test gives me energy and cures my insomnia. I mean I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Right now my soul feels like it wants to jump out and go for a long, strenuous run. Of course that isn't possible, I just feel claustrophobic in my own body. Like my body is what is holding me back from doing what I want and need in my life. I know the day will come that I am able to utilize my body to its full potential rather than giving it careful attention just to maintain status quo.
Just because that day isn't today, so what?
I feel like I do nothing but struggle with my identity these days. Like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have so so many things I would like to do with my life, I want to go on adventures, I want to meet people, I want to take on more projects, I want to take more classes in school, and most of all I would like to rediscover my faith. Its been so long since I have felt or acted like my old self. I often wonder whether I have changed because of growth or changed because Ive been taken over by grief and anger.
I miss writing positive things. I get to miss that a little less today, because today I am going to be positive. Life sucks. People are mean and self centered. I do not think I have found anything that I can actually rely on long term. Car? Breaks eventually. House? Things leak, break, or even get destroyed. Friends? They leave or change, or I change, sometimes moving different directions in life. Family? Oh don't even get me started, next! Church? Again with the people...
Okay Okay im going to be positive now.
I haven't posted at all this month because I have been doing well. If I hadn't become so pessimistic I would even say I am doing great. Fear is what stops me from saying I am doing great. Im going to change that. I am slowly going to get rid of my fears.
I bought a new project car last month. A completely sad and worn out old car. This poor car, its older than I am. It has not been loved well in a long while. Its a pretty blue, 1989 Maserati. I know what you are thinking, Maserati? As in Ferrari's little brother? Those expensive sports cars that are never actually spotted in the wild? Yep, its one of those.
This little car is a 4 seater sedan with just over 72K miles on it. I bought it dead, for a good price. No start, no lights on the dash, completely dead. But me and the sad little blue car have bonded. I know what its like to be the hidden gem in the crowd that just needs some extra attention. This car was one of the fastest cars of the 80's, especially for a 4 door. Its a cute car, I have been giving it my attention. A lot. A whole lot. In fact I think this car has successfully taken over my life.
On my first day of ownership I fiddled the little car back to life. I did something during my switch jiggling that struck a chord in the old thing. It lit up again. Here I was sitting in my driveway, in the driver seat, watching the rain come down. I thought ok, lights came on, lets start it. It took several tries and lots of encouragement and it started up. I put it in gear and we set off on our first journey together. I drove the car down the driveway, around the cull de sac, and back down the driveway. I thought whew! It runs after all! My life working on this car just became easy. Keep in mind this is still day 1 back in August. I was very wrong. I went to start the little blue car up again later, didn't go so well this time. I tried and I tried, I just could not get a start. So under the hood I go...straight to the oil. What I see? milky oil. My little maserati has a blown head gasket. Good news is I bought the car for a deal, so head gasket set was figured into the price.
The car is still parked in the very spot I first parked it in when I found out she wasn't going to start again without major engine surgery.
I have worked extensively on the car. I have put an extreme amount of energy in the car. I managed to make myself proud at how hard Ive worked on this project. My energy has held up for the most part, I am in an energy lull now but its because of some sleep issues going on. I think I have put over 80 hours of labor into the car, possibly more.
I have been successful. I took the engine apart! Never done anything like that before in my life. But I did it! I took it apart, replaced many worn out bits. I have even got it resembled, it'll even start up! The car is still protesting me though, she cranks up ok, but the massive coolant leak spraying under the car dictates that I must turn the key back and pull it out. *sigh*
But Im close. Next time I have a full Saturday to dedicate to this project, I may just get to drive her farther than the mailbox.
Lyme, at one point in my life, would have never let me think about A. Buying a car. B. Buying a broken car. or C. Buying a very broken car that needed a top end engine rebuild. This is part of my success story. I know that without a doubt my body couldn't have done this two years ago. In less than 6 weeks I have disassembled and rebuild the top of the engine, myself. Its hard labor, it requires may brain to work hard and it requires my body to have energy. Things I tend to run low on.
I am proud. I am thankful. I am going forward. Life is becoming real again.
If the car caught fire tomorrow and burnt to a crisp, id be ok. I have more satisfaction in myself than I have had in a long time. This car and I are working on discovering our lives in motion again together. Actually this car has had more down time than I have, according to carfax it was off the road and unregistered from 2001 to 2014. 13 years off the road, sitting somewhere. Thats a part of the story that I dont know unfortunately.
I know that with enough attention and fine tuning, this car will be a roaring beast again. Today may not be that day but so what? Im not going anywhere and it can't go anywhere, ill get it going. It'll be fast, it'll be strong.
I did not know I could enjoy hard labor so much. Ive always enjoyed working hard with projects but I do not think I have ever undertaken a task that is as physically, mentally, or as financially taxing as I have until recently. I love it, many days I hate it but its only because I become impatient, I am learning to enjoy the ride. Its so important to learn how to spot progress in life. My sister and I were talking today, both of us are doing psychology based majors in college. She was telling me about how learning delayed gratification young in life can create for a much high chance of success and happiness later in life. I don't doubt that one bit, I would say the things that have brought me the most joy in life are the ones I have had to work and wait for.
I always remind myself that life is a battle worth fighting. Lyme is what taught me to fight. I may not get up and throw punches or roll some heads, but I can work myself through a stressful situation. I can find a solution, I can think creatively and outside of the box. Many people my age can't think outside of the box, they are only followers, not thinkers.
I still on a daily basis still feel like I am fighting with my soul. Tonight I just couldn't sleep, not a chance, none. Wide awake over here. I have a lot of inner turmoil. Anxiety is the name of the game, not sleeping is what rattles my brain. I have a long list of things I would like to do, but I am not really doing them. I am doing the car, yes. But its temporary. Im trying my best to bring up the courage to live on my own. On the days I feel human the thought is easy, the how, when, why, etc-easy. On the days that I have to look past my homework stack and car keys just to take up residence in my bed...not so encouraging for moving out.
I need to move out, I needed to about a year ago. I know it and I feel it. Unfortunately life just has not worked out for me to sow my own oats
Every time I think about how it would have been nice to have moved out, I look back. Looking back over this last year...gotta say, Ive seen so many blessings in being where I am.
One of my teachers from last semester and again this semester, has been one of the greatest encouragements. She has really taught me how to see myself. On the bad days I may not see myself in a good light but now I know how to look. Some days I can see a little more positive than I did before,
This teacher has really just been one of those great lights in my life.
I have had a few people over the last year like that. Not necessarily people in my personal life but teachers at school, people who have become my friends even though I never thought of them that way, people I meet through work. Even if I don't see what Im supposed to be doing with my life right now to bring the most satisfaction further down the road, I know I will be okay. Just because I can't see it today doesn't mean I won't see it tomorrow.
Thinking positive is something I am pushing myself to do more of. Every time im around positive people or I accomplish something that makes me happy I find I feel better. I dont mean an A on a test gives me energy and cures my insomnia. I mean I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Right now my soul feels like it wants to jump out and go for a long, strenuous run. Of course that isn't possible, I just feel claustrophobic in my own body. Like my body is what is holding me back from doing what I want and need in my life. I know the day will come that I am able to utilize my body to its full potential rather than giving it careful attention just to maintain status quo.
Just because that day isn't today, so what?
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Seasons Changing
The time for seasons of my life to change has come once again. School is starting back this week. My best friend is leaving to live in Missouri tomorrow. Another friend of mine leaves the day after, then my sister leaves this weekend.
I will once again watch my life become engulfed in school assignments. Life will get busy and I won't be seeing my friends very often. My best friend moving 10 hours away has probably affected me the most. He is the person I go to for everything, he's my support, my encouragement, my safe place, and of course the person I have the most fun with ( I promise I have fun and do normal fun things with my friends). Now I will have very limited access to him. I don't handle big changes all that well, I am already a rather emotional person these days. My emotions run their own way without rhyme or reason more often than not, but with my best friend leaving...I have been a mess.
I am taking care of my best friends fish now that he's leaving. Last night he brought his tank and his one fish (Sherman) to my house about 11pm. We got it setup besides one of my tanks and I now have the honor of keeping Sherman for a long time to come.
My friend stayed a while at my house because we knew it would be one of the last times we could hang out, maybe even the last before he leaves. I felt horrible, this last weekend has been extremely stressful. I worked a full day. No sleep. The usual human complaints.
It was so great hanging out but we did reach the point where I had a breakdown. I just lost it and started crying and thats all I could do. I couldn't speak. All I could do was just cry harder. I felt so pathetic, why is everything such a big deal to me? But my best friend was there for me. He hugged me until I could finally speak again. I was so worn out I couldn't stand up anymore, I think the first words I spoke to him were something along the lines of "I have to sit, I can't stand any longer". At this point it was after 1AM, he needed to go home but I was delaying it with my emotional neediness.
He held onto me longer and told me he would walk me to my room to make sure I could walk up the stairs alright without blacking out or collapsing (that has been an issue this summer, which he has first hand witnessed).
And because he's awesome, he let me convince him into staying the night with me. So we both walked to bed and I got to keep him for the night. I felt horrible, I haven't slept well this weekend and ive been burning the candle at both ends, not a great combo for anyone no matter their health situation!
My friend stood by me and helped me through it. I couldn't have asked for anything more. It wasn't planned but hey, I needed someone and he wanted to be that someone. He dragged me on to bed so I could finally relax and get some rest for the first time in several days.
It means so much to me to have someone there for me like that when I get sick. I hate being alone when my mind and or body decide to plummet into a black hole. Just having a friend there for support takes a lot of the pressure and loneliness out of the picture. Having my best friend there for me is even better. That meant more to me than anything I could dream up, its not easy being the outsider in a sick persons life but he knows he to help me out.
One of the things that made this weekend so stressful was the death of my grandfather. Friday morning my grandmother called my mom to inform her that she found my grandfather on the bathroom floor, dead. It was a total shock. He was not in bad health. They were supposed to be going on a cruise tomorrow for their 60th anniversary.
This last weekend instead was used to plan his funeral, which was today. His death was hard for all of us to deal with. I think we are all still in shock that he is gone.
We had some awesome friends help us out and bring us all a meal for after the service. The family came back to our house after the service and our friends had all the food and tables setup and ready to go, I don't think we could have asked for anything more.
Nonetheless, this has been a weekend of sudden and lasting changes. Emotionally I am worn out, physically I need rest. This time, its not just me but the whole family thats in the same boat as I am.
I will once again watch my life become engulfed in school assignments. Life will get busy and I won't be seeing my friends very often. My best friend moving 10 hours away has probably affected me the most. He is the person I go to for everything, he's my support, my encouragement, my safe place, and of course the person I have the most fun with ( I promise I have fun and do normal fun things with my friends). Now I will have very limited access to him. I don't handle big changes all that well, I am already a rather emotional person these days. My emotions run their own way without rhyme or reason more often than not, but with my best friend leaving...I have been a mess.
I am taking care of my best friends fish now that he's leaving. Last night he brought his tank and his one fish (Sherman) to my house about 11pm. We got it setup besides one of my tanks and I now have the honor of keeping Sherman for a long time to come.
My friend stayed a while at my house because we knew it would be one of the last times we could hang out, maybe even the last before he leaves. I felt horrible, this last weekend has been extremely stressful. I worked a full day. No sleep. The usual human complaints.
It was so great hanging out but we did reach the point where I had a breakdown. I just lost it and started crying and thats all I could do. I couldn't speak. All I could do was just cry harder. I felt so pathetic, why is everything such a big deal to me? But my best friend was there for me. He hugged me until I could finally speak again. I was so worn out I couldn't stand up anymore, I think the first words I spoke to him were something along the lines of "I have to sit, I can't stand any longer". At this point it was after 1AM, he needed to go home but I was delaying it with my emotional neediness.
He held onto me longer and told me he would walk me to my room to make sure I could walk up the stairs alright without blacking out or collapsing (that has been an issue this summer, which he has first hand witnessed).
And because he's awesome, he let me convince him into staying the night with me. So we both walked to bed and I got to keep him for the night. I felt horrible, I haven't slept well this weekend and ive been burning the candle at both ends, not a great combo for anyone no matter their health situation!
My friend stood by me and helped me through it. I couldn't have asked for anything more. It wasn't planned but hey, I needed someone and he wanted to be that someone. He dragged me on to bed so I could finally relax and get some rest for the first time in several days.
It means so much to me to have someone there for me like that when I get sick. I hate being alone when my mind and or body decide to plummet into a black hole. Just having a friend there for support takes a lot of the pressure and loneliness out of the picture. Having my best friend there for me is even better. That meant more to me than anything I could dream up, its not easy being the outsider in a sick persons life but he knows he to help me out.
One of the things that made this weekend so stressful was the death of my grandfather. Friday morning my grandmother called my mom to inform her that she found my grandfather on the bathroom floor, dead. It was a total shock. He was not in bad health. They were supposed to be going on a cruise tomorrow for their 60th anniversary.
This last weekend instead was used to plan his funeral, which was today. His death was hard for all of us to deal with. I think we are all still in shock that he is gone.
We had some awesome friends help us out and bring us all a meal for after the service. The family came back to our house after the service and our friends had all the food and tables setup and ready to go, I don't think we could have asked for anything more.
Nonetheless, this has been a weekend of sudden and lasting changes. Emotionally I am worn out, physically I need rest. This time, its not just me but the whole family thats in the same boat as I am.
Upon Exiting Kansas
My most recent trip to Kansas was one of the best and unique visits ever. Some good and some bad.
The good- I gained progress, I never felt absolutely drained dead of energy. I even went to the zoo! It was freaking hot so I did feel rather ill after that, but only for a little while. I have never had the energy to even think about going to the zoo or anything of the sort, this is monumental.
My doc didn't need to put me on a boatload of supplements this go round! I am on what an average person would call a lot of supplements, but to another lyme patient, not bad at all. I am also on a lower dosage of supplements, most of them are once a day! Im praying this does not change.
I was even more social than I have been in a while. Usually I am in and out of the clinic and I don't spend much time socializing, the siren song of the couch back in our hotel room is too strong.
One woman I met this last week I had met before. She complemented me on my shirt then said- Hey I remember you from last year, you are the one who was getting sicker and sicker instead of getting better. Then she spoke to me about what all had happened to me. She met me the week last March when I was at the clinic that I became so ill and went downhill, without ever fully recovering. I was impressed she remembered me, I remembered her face but that was about it. I was so sick that week...all I remember was the misery and bone crushing pain.
The bad-
My doctor and a few others left the clinic. I had no idea that this would be my last visit with my doctor! I got the email from the clinic about my doctor not too long after arriving back home. I was assured my doctor will continue in practice with the same level of care, just not at the Hansa Center. I am very grateful that I am feeling as well as I am feeling, because I do not want to have to go back for treatment anytime soon with such changes taking place. If I choose to go back to the clinic ill be assigned a new doctor, or I may wait a while and see if my doc shows up at another practice. For now, im gonna float in limbo.
The good- I gained progress, I never felt absolutely drained dead of energy. I even went to the zoo! It was freaking hot so I did feel rather ill after that, but only for a little while. I have never had the energy to even think about going to the zoo or anything of the sort, this is monumental.
My doc didn't need to put me on a boatload of supplements this go round! I am on what an average person would call a lot of supplements, but to another lyme patient, not bad at all. I am also on a lower dosage of supplements, most of them are once a day! Im praying this does not change.
I was even more social than I have been in a while. Usually I am in and out of the clinic and I don't spend much time socializing, the siren song of the couch back in our hotel room is too strong.
One woman I met this last week I had met before. She complemented me on my shirt then said- Hey I remember you from last year, you are the one who was getting sicker and sicker instead of getting better. Then she spoke to me about what all had happened to me. She met me the week last March when I was at the clinic that I became so ill and went downhill, without ever fully recovering. I was impressed she remembered me, I remembered her face but that was about it. I was so sick that week...all I remember was the misery and bone crushing pain.
The bad-
My doctor and a few others left the clinic. I had no idea that this would be my last visit with my doctor! I got the email from the clinic about my doctor not too long after arriving back home. I was assured my doctor will continue in practice with the same level of care, just not at the Hansa Center. I am very grateful that I am feeling as well as I am feeling, because I do not want to have to go back for treatment anytime soon with such changes taking place. If I choose to go back to the clinic ill be assigned a new doctor, or I may wait a while and see if my doc shows up at another practice. For now, im gonna float in limbo.
Finishing the Week
Im sorry I never followed up on the following visits like I usually do day to day. I just didn't feel like putting energy into writing, but I did feel very well the whole week. Pretty much for the first time ever.
Day 2!
I did not sleep so great the night before, i was awake most of the night because I just couldn't sleep. OCD and negative thoughts were racing through my head, sleep just doesn't happen on those nights. Plenty of crying yes, sleeping? nah.
So I talked to the doctor about those things and sleep and brain issues.
First off he put me right back on several things he had taken me off. So my break off of a ton of supplements was short lived.
He replaced 3 things I was taking with 1-2 things instead, this new stuff should work better than what I had been taken before. They also should not be permanent, they should be working to fix the problem whereas the few items before were as needed (which became as needed everyday).
We also worked again on neurotransmitters to replace something else I had been taking. Neurotransmitters are used for brain power, sleeping, waking up, thought control, concentrating, basically anything and everything your brain does. My neurotransmitters aren't in the greatest shape which could also lead to me not feeling hungry like a normal person would and it would also leave me awake at night.
We primarily worked on dopamine, serotonin and GABA plus one of the adrenal hormones called norepinephrine.
Dopamine is your brain power, no dopamine = no energy to think or become motivated. GABA is what turns the brain off at night to sleep ( chances are if you have racing thoughts at night or even all the time, not enough GABA in your system). Then Serotonin which is for mood control and its the natural anti depressant your body makes, at night your body turns serotonin into melatonin to sleep.
Since I don't sleep, I have racing thoughts, brain fog, and sometimes absolutely zero motivation I thought these things matched my symptoms rather well.
First off he put me right back on several things he had taken me off. So my break off of a ton of supplements was short lived.
He replaced 3 things I was taking with 1-2 things instead, this new stuff should work better than what I had been taken before. They also should not be permanent, they should be working to fix the problem whereas the few items before were as needed (which became as needed everyday).
We also worked again on neurotransmitters to replace something else I had been taking. Neurotransmitters are used for brain power, sleeping, waking up, thought control, concentrating, basically anything and everything your brain does. My neurotransmitters aren't in the greatest shape which could also lead to me not feeling hungry like a normal person would and it would also leave me awake at night.
We primarily worked on dopamine, serotonin and GABA plus one of the adrenal hormones called norepinephrine.
Dopamine is your brain power, no dopamine = no energy to think or become motivated. GABA is what turns the brain off at night to sleep ( chances are if you have racing thoughts at night or even all the time, not enough GABA in your system). Then Serotonin which is for mood control and its the natural anti depressant your body makes, at night your body turns serotonin into melatonin to sleep.
Since I don't sleep, I have racing thoughts, brain fog, and sometimes absolutely zero motivation I thought these things matched my symptoms rather well.
Unfortunately this wasn't as easy to correct as the eosoniphils on the first day. He added in 6 new things for me to take, two of which replaced 3 things I had been taking. So a little bit of consolidation did happen, just not as much as I would have appreciated....
Day 3!
I slept extremely hard last night and have felt pretty well all day today, which is unusual while im here. This evening I even spent some time out by the pool which I have only ever done once before, usually in the evening I'm too tired to get off the couch.
I slept extremely hard last night and have felt pretty well all day today, which is unusual while im here. This evening I even spent some time out by the pool which I have only ever done once before, usually in the evening I'm too tired to get off the couch.
In my doctors appointment today we actually ran short, we ran out of problems to work on so I was finished with the doctor early. Not the worst problem to have!
My doctor spent most of our appointment doing chiropractic work, adjusting this and torquing that. I am much less tense after all his beating around.
As far as treatment goes, only 1 new thing today. Through his testing he found an issue with my gut+brain connection.
He found an issue in my amygdala, which is the part of the brain that stores trauma. In my gut he found an infection called toxoplasmosis, which is typically carried by ticks and cats. It can be opportunistic.
In this he determined what was happening between my stomach and brain was that the infection in my gut was setting off a traumatic reaction in my brain, working as a signal to tell my stomach to not accept food. He made a homeopathic remedy to get rid of the infection and to balance out the disconnect, so in theory this could also be a big game changer as far as how i get to eat.
When all these new things start working and getting into my system I may finally be able to eat again.
My doctor spent most of our appointment doing chiropractic work, adjusting this and torquing that. I am much less tense after all his beating around.
As far as treatment goes, only 1 new thing today. Through his testing he found an issue with my gut+brain connection.
He found an issue in my amygdala, which is the part of the brain that stores trauma. In my gut he found an infection called toxoplasmosis, which is typically carried by ticks and cats. It can be opportunistic.
In this he determined what was happening between my stomach and brain was that the infection in my gut was setting off a traumatic reaction in my brain, working as a signal to tell my stomach to not accept food. He made a homeopathic remedy to get rid of the infection and to balance out the disconnect, so in theory this could also be a big game changer as far as how i get to eat.
When all these new things start working and getting into my system I may finally be able to eat again.
Day 4-5
Yesterday and today were both easy doctor visits. Both were a bit on the shorter side.
Yesterday he used something called neurophotonic therapy. He's used this therapy for me before on my first and second visit to the clinic two years ago.
Basically this therapy is a test and a treatment mixed into one. The test is to check how money body processes different wavelengths of light, he used red, blue, green, yellow, orange, and pink. While my body body is processing the light, the doctor runs his tests to see which nerve signals misfire. He finds the misfires and treats them with homeopathics, single doses in office.
This is one of those things that sounds much more complicated than it is, but it does have a profound effect on the nervous system and how it functions. I do not know enough about it to give a detailed explanation, I may have posted about it on visit number 1-2 a few years ago.
So yesterday I did not receive any more remedies to take home.
Yesterday he used something called neurophotonic therapy. He's used this therapy for me before on my first and second visit to the clinic two years ago.
Basically this therapy is a test and a treatment mixed into one. The test is to check how money body processes different wavelengths of light, he used red, blue, green, yellow, orange, and pink. While my body body is processing the light, the doctor runs his tests to see which nerve signals misfire. He finds the misfires and treats them with homeopathics, single doses in office.
This is one of those things that sounds much more complicated than it is, but it does have a profound effect on the nervous system and how it functions. I do not know enough about it to give a detailed explanation, I may have posted about it on visit number 1-2 a few years ago.
So yesterday I did not receive any more remedies to take home.
On the last day we did neurophotonic therapy again along with some more work on my gut.
He found that my spleen was not functioning up to par, which could also affect digestion. He found a couple other minor imbalances with my brain and stomach on top of the spleen, nothing terribly profound though. He gave me two new supplements to take home this time but these are chinese medicine herbals. So for anyone who knows about chinese medicine you'll know these are very strong and very different from standard homeopathic medicine and regular over the counter supplements. Any one whose taken them before can also tell you, they don't taste so great either. Kinda like mixing dirt and alcohol, add in some bitterness, pretty close to what this stuff taste like.
The neurophotonic therapy today was mildly different from yesterday, today he focused on neurology for sleep. So today when he did this therapy he focused on balancing out brain waves so that I will sleep deeper. He had me take a bunch of single doses of homeopathic to correct these imbalances, nothing to take home though.
He found that my spleen was not functioning up to par, which could also affect digestion. He found a couple other minor imbalances with my brain and stomach on top of the spleen, nothing terribly profound though. He gave me two new supplements to take home this time but these are chinese medicine herbals. So for anyone who knows about chinese medicine you'll know these are very strong and very different from standard homeopathic medicine and regular over the counter supplements. Any one whose taken them before can also tell you, they don't taste so great either. Kinda like mixing dirt and alcohol, add in some bitterness, pretty close to what this stuff taste like.
The neurophotonic therapy today was mildly different from yesterday, today he focused on neurology for sleep. So today when he did this therapy he focused on balancing out brain waves so that I will sleep deeper. He had me take a bunch of single doses of homeopathic to correct these imbalances, nothing to take home though.
I have a long list of supplements to take for the next two months but once again, even though its a lot everything is at a lower dose than in the past. Most of my supplements are just once a day instead of twice a day and at they, most are either 1 dropper or 1 tablet instead of multiple. Even though I still have a lot to take it definitely is not in the same way it has been in the past.
Our goal is for me not to need to go back to the clinic until March next year. My doctor thinks I can make it that long with how I have been progressing.
Our goal is for me not to need to go back to the clinic until March next year. My doctor thinks I can make it that long with how I have been progressing.
Overall I am feeling much much better than I have been after my last few visits. I actually had energy to use once I made it home this evening, I normally have none left after a long week at the clinic.
I had a lot more energy to work with this week and I have felt more stable than I normally do after treatment. I still had to rest a lot but not as much as in the past.
I am pleased with the results from this visit. Very pleased!
I had a lot more energy to work with this week and I have felt more stable than I normally do after treatment. I still had to rest a lot but not as much as in the past.
I am pleased with the results from this visit. Very pleased!