Scrambled Eggs

I Had Great Weekend!
This weekend I flew to Missouri to see E and my best friend. E picked me up from the airport and helped me surprise my best friend friday night.
For two guys with chronic fatigue and brain fog we did pretty great I would say! He brought me back to the dorm from the airport and we dropped my stuff on his room. We went down to my friends room and he wasn't there, but another friend of theirs was.
So the other friend called my best freind and said he had hurt his foot and needed some help, that he would be waiting in his room for him. I waited behind the door and E sat in the middle watching for them to show up.
It didnt take too long for him to show up, E warned me he was about to walk in so I tucked myself further behind the door. My friend walked over to the guy pretending to be in pain and looked at his foot. I waited for him to start paying attention to the foot, then i yelled across the room "so what do you think is wrong with it??" and he freaked out! He couldn't believe I was standing there in his room, 600 miles from home. He knew I was coming, but he thought I would be coming a day later. The surprise was priceless, should have gotten it on video!

This was also my first time meeting E in person, making this weekend just that much better. I stayed in his room with him both nights, the second night my best friend joined also. We had our own little party going. Two sick guys pretending that life is good and another one whose just going with the flow. I miss them already.

Last night at one of the school events I had a massive panic attack. We were sitting in an auditorium, after standing in line surrounded by people for a long time. My nerves were frayed further than I realized. After we had sat down and the show started my mind went haywire. I tensed up and couldn't speak, my mind was running at warp speed, I couldnt communicate, and tears welled up in my eyes.
I was sitting between E and my best friend, and couldn't even tell them. I couldn't do anything, it was just all stuck in my head swirling around.
It calmed down eventually and I texted E, trying to be quiet. We had a conversation over text, then I passed my phone to my best friend and let him read what had happened. I was too fried to actually talk and the show was going on in front of us. They managed to help me a little bit and they offered to leave and take me somewhere quieter. I opted to stay because I didnt want them missing out on anything with their school and I didnt really want to acknowledge that I wasn't okay.

I am getting very tired of anxiety or panic or brain fog disrupting my ability to be around other people and enjoy life. I dont understand why I can't just talk to my friends around me. I dont get why I can type out emails and texts when Im alone and be fairly cognizant, but when im in a crowd my mind turns to scrambled eggs. I dont want this to continue. It has been going on almost two years now.
I want to be able to feel excitement again and enjoy life. I feel like everything do is just a short trip away from the bed, with the bed being the most enjoyable place I have. I like being out with my friends and doing activities, but its become harder to do that. This is normal for the wintertime.
I hate this trapped feeling. I want to get out and go on adventure, I dont want to spend my life doing what im doing. Its getting old and I want a change. Im praying the change is sooner rather than later.
I know right now part of the problem is that I am tired and sleep deprived, but I never recover when I do sleep so it almost doesn't feel like it even matters.

UGH. I had done well for a while, I had some strength last summer. I was still an emotional mess but I had more strength. I told myself I could go longer without seeing my doctor. I think that may have been a bit too optimistic. I think my protocol at current is helping prevent too much of a backslide but I dont think im gaining progress.

In other news I should be starting the hyperbaric oxygen soon, which was recommended by my new psychiatrist I saw last month. She believed that it would make a big difference. I sure hope she's right.
Everyday in an oxygen chamber, thats dedication I tell you!