Kansas March 2021

I am back in Kansas once again!

This will be my last visit before starting grad school in a few weeks!

I saw the doctor yesterday and today so far. He’s pleased with how I’ve held the progress but I think he was hoping for a little more. I still have a fair bit of high inflammation markers he would like to see come down a notch or two, and these markers do make sense of why I have had some residual symptoms that haven’t disappeared. 

After going through my lab work yesterday, he pulled me off all my supplements and said it’s time for a fresh start. I kept a couple things for sleep and autoimmune, 3-4 total. That’s it, the rest will be changed this week. 

One big positive that did happen, is my autoimmune markers have gone down to zero for the first time in years. That can be tricky to happen, some people have markers forever regardless of how they feel. Hopefully that sticks.

Today he worked on my kidneys and some detoxing. He said I have too much estrogen in my system showing up, as well as mycoplasma and metal. He put me on 4 things to clear those issues out. He said it looks like my kidneys are having to work over time to get everything done. Tomorrow we will work on a few more detoxification things to see what else can be cleared out of my system.

Overall, it has been a good visit. I have high expectations for how this will go. I talked to him about my stressed and psychological things. He said therapy could be a very beneficial thing for me to try out and it may help a lot, because I do have a lot of old baggage that needs to go. He said he will do his best with what he can help clear out energetically and get my body to the point where it can let go, without holding onto things. Interesting when estrogen showed up as an issue I thought well yea, that could certainly be causing me emotional distress if there’s too much in my system. I felt like that was a solid point in the right direction from the start.

Mind Body Soul and Spirit

 How Do We treat Ourselves?

I think we often ignore that when it comes to "ourselves" or our "being" we are more than just a physical body. We have more than just our body to take care of, our life is about more than food and sleep. Are we healthy or are we sick?

The absence of disease is not the presence of health. 

Just because we are not feeling sick does not mean we are treating ourselves like we are meant to be treated. I know I have been going through this lately and have tried to ignore it. I have been talking to my mom about some of whats been going on in my world and the things that have been weighing me down. I have allowed a lot to accumulate, even though it was not on purpose and I thought I was making more progress than I was. I have been ignoring my spirit a lot, probably because it has been broken so many times in the past it is easy to push it away. People from the past still stick with me and it bothers me, its not just one person or one comment. Its a few things that haunt me, for whatever reason. I have prayed plenty on the subject but I am at the point where I need to be putting in more than just prayers, I need to find a therapist. 

We as a society look past our soul and spirit so much, we dont take care of them very well. Its easy to see why, if we dont have a safe place, we dont eat or drink-we die very quickly. Our spirits are more resilient than our body, it lasts through more abuse. But it cant last forever on abuse. I try my hardest to keep my relationship with God as it should be, but I make some mistakes that I prefer I didnt. I get angry and upset. My spirit has been damaged. I know it can be repaired, I just need to move it up my priority list.

Talking to my mom today made me really think about how much we forget to take care of ourselves, our whole being. 

March 2021 Update

 Good Evening!

It has been a little bit since I have said all that much. Up until February I had been doing very well.  I am not doing poorly but I could be doing a little better.

I have found myself constantly feeling wound up again with some anxiety. A month ago I had a full blown panic attack while driving, a few friends came over and checked on me. I was a mental wreck at that point. I haven't had a panic attack in a year or two, so I did not entirely recognize it coming on. I noticed it was feeling harder to breathe and I was starting to feel off. Then I noticed I would stop breathing and I could not make myself breathe, then the hyperventilating started. I knew exactly what was happening at that point. I made it home and just collapsed on the bathroom floor, like I used to do. Not exactly an old routine I wish to return too. The good news is the full blown panic attack was a single incident. The bad news is that the anxiety has been more frequent and I have stayed keyed up. 

When this starts to happen, I start loosing my memory and chunks of time become hard to recall. I really hate that, I work hard to relax and take care of myself. I try to find enjoyment in all I can, anxiety does too good of a job at taking that away. With anxiety comes the OCD, which means obsessions, and over thinking and staying awake all night. I really hate that. 

I know something is off when I start getting quieter and I find it harder to maintain a conversation. I start getting trapped in my own head. 

I have a lot of change coming up. I move at the end of this month to start grad school at the beginning of next month! I am very excited but I am a little scared, this will be my first time living away from home and living in an entirely new environment. I don't think thats the cause of whats thrown my balance off, but i'm sure its not helping it. 

In the last several weeks I have started using the Calm app and I really like it. I use it every night before bed and it does help. Sometimes it helps more than others. 

I know a lot of the things that have made me anxious are old things, from years ago. People, incidents, my health, things of that nature. I know I have to start working on this stuff, since obviously time didn't heal some things for me. The PTSD factor of lyme is still floating around I guess. It was about this time either 3 or 4 years ago that I ended up with scarlet fever that caused my panic disorder, so maybe its a mental anniversary thing for me.

I need to find a therapist. Its easy to ignore the bad and the old when im feeling great and doing all the things I want to be doing. Plus with staying busy, it makes it easier to ignore some things. I know better though, I just need to push myself to go to a therapist. I spoke to a friend of mine and she gave me some names, its my turn to start making phone calls and find what I need. Sometimes I forget how much my body has been through, the old traumas wont disappear overnight unfortunately. 

Dont get me wrong, I really have been doing well. I still go to the gym 3-4x a week and Im still eating better than a few years ago. Im just a little bit side tracked at the moment and need some sort of remediation.

In other news Im in Kansas for my usual March checkup. I see my doctor on Monday (two days from now) and I plan on having some loooong talks with him. I suspect he will have some solutions just like in the past, I am excited to make new progress.