March 2021 Update

 Good Evening!

It has been a little bit since I have said all that much. Up until February I had been doing very well.  I am not doing poorly but I could be doing a little better.

I have found myself constantly feeling wound up again with some anxiety. A month ago I had a full blown panic attack while driving, a few friends came over and checked on me. I was a mental wreck at that point. I haven't had a panic attack in a year or two, so I did not entirely recognize it coming on. I noticed it was feeling harder to breathe and I was starting to feel off. Then I noticed I would stop breathing and I could not make myself breathe, then the hyperventilating started. I knew exactly what was happening at that point. I made it home and just collapsed on the bathroom floor, like I used to do. Not exactly an old routine I wish to return too. The good news is the full blown panic attack was a single incident. The bad news is that the anxiety has been more frequent and I have stayed keyed up. 

When this starts to happen, I start loosing my memory and chunks of time become hard to recall. I really hate that, I work hard to relax and take care of myself. I try to find enjoyment in all I can, anxiety does too good of a job at taking that away. With anxiety comes the OCD, which means obsessions, and over thinking and staying awake all night. I really hate that. 

I know something is off when I start getting quieter and I find it harder to maintain a conversation. I start getting trapped in my own head. 

I have a lot of change coming up. I move at the end of this month to start grad school at the beginning of next month! I am very excited but I am a little scared, this will be my first time living away from home and living in an entirely new environment. I don't think thats the cause of whats thrown my balance off, but i'm sure its not helping it. 

In the last several weeks I have started using the Calm app and I really like it. I use it every night before bed and it does help. Sometimes it helps more than others. 

I know a lot of the things that have made me anxious are old things, from years ago. People, incidents, my health, things of that nature. I know I have to start working on this stuff, since obviously time didn't heal some things for me. The PTSD factor of lyme is still floating around I guess. It was about this time either 3 or 4 years ago that I ended up with scarlet fever that caused my panic disorder, so maybe its a mental anniversary thing for me.

I need to find a therapist. Its easy to ignore the bad and the old when im feeling great and doing all the things I want to be doing. Plus with staying busy, it makes it easier to ignore some things. I know better though, I just need to push myself to go to a therapist. I spoke to a friend of mine and she gave me some names, its my turn to start making phone calls and find what I need. Sometimes I forget how much my body has been through, the old traumas wont disappear overnight unfortunately. 

Dont get me wrong, I really have been doing well. I still go to the gym 3-4x a week and Im still eating better than a few years ago. Im just a little bit side tracked at the moment and need some sort of remediation.

In other news Im in Kansas for my usual March checkup. I see my doctor on Monday (two days from now) and I plan on having some loooong talks with him. I suspect he will have some solutions just like in the past, I am excited to make new progress.