When You Lose Your Mind Part 2

*continuation*
Since I prayed so hard, things have changed again. That night I felt lighter and felt something again, something besides despair. Maybe I had just bottled up to much, I didn't realsise how much I had secluded myself.
I have since spoken to 3 other people about how horrible I have been feeling mentally. It's hard to share when you are paranoid. I have always been the strong one in my friend group, so to show that I am not only not Okay, but crying...unheard of. During this period I have never more felt like a sissy, because this is the first time I haven't been able to handle everything by myself. I had to have someone to go to. I've been on walks with my friend just so we can talk in private, one day I think we walked about 6 miles. Another time I couldn't sleep, him and I went walking about 4:30am. I never knew someone could be so kind to me, and enjoy it. I think he would admit I've been a struggle to deal with, not because of all he's had to do but because he's not sure how to make me feel better for more than a minute. I've been going to him non stop for almost two months now, maybe more.

I can't think straight and thoughts become obsessive or paranoid. So I'm turn I have to talk to someone to help me untwist my brain. At one point in time I could handle myself, I don't know what happened. I don't know what started this either, it was beginning before my clinic visit and before all the stressful events I listed. I can't pin point the true root cause of this
I always could figure something out I did wrong that had caused me to few badly...
now things have changed, even if I eat perfectly healthy I feel just the same. If I sleep harder, no change, I mean every little thing that used to perk me up or turn me around entirely-nothing at all. I still eat healthy every day, but I must be doing something wrong.

Something that did hit home, that I haven't mentioned yet. During the same time as the second car accident, my best friends sister tried to flee the country with some boy she had met. She dropped out of school on Tuesday and she had a plane ticket for Thursday. Her parents booked it to her school when they heard she dropped out, they did eventually catch up to her. She got on the plane from her home town to ATL, her siblings met her at the gate in Atlanta and they managed to get her to stay. She came home with the rest of the family, the boy went on to his country. My friends family has been struggling ever since, the sister never would talk...no one knows what went through her mind. She still talks to the guy and one day he is supposed to come back to meet her family (me-insert big laugh here, I don't ever suspect he will come back). Now recently she's gone back to school, a new one up north farther away from home. No one knows what her plan is, or even if she's going to school. We just have to wait this one out...she's an adult, she's can and will do what she wants.

Needless to say, my friend has been struggling through battles of his own. I will never forget the day he called me to tell me what had happened, I was at work. He called crying, I had never seen him cry before and I hadnt seen it happen since. Hes not one to talk about himself, but I can see in him that he is hurting.

Okay, I'll finally stop talking about my best friend. I'll finish up with my story so you all can go on about your day:)

A few weeks ago I went to Hansa. Everything went well this time, I have made a turn around compared to last time. Physically I feel very well, my back isn't in any pain. I always have at least a tiny amount of back pain, but right now I'm solid. Emotionally I was better at the clinic, I was starting to walk back into my mind. I lost it a few days after coming home.

I work for a doctor and he's found something for me. While I was away at Hansa we started carrying some new products, one is a homeopathic patch. I have been using one for stress, it's finally pulling me back down to earth.
This last week I have made progress, most likely due to the patch. I only had enough for a few days, now I am out..the one I am still wearing was due to run out yesterday. I felt the shift down again this morning when I woke up, I am beginning to backslide. I'll be getting a full pack tomorrow instead of just a sample, I should be able to start recovering, maybe even for good-soon.

I don't know what happened to me, I have never cried, ranted, obsessed, or felt so hopeless in my life. I don't know what the original trigger was, I am just trying to heal now. My gut says that now that I am beginning to pull out of the chronic illness state, and I am working hard with some other people who want to make their spiritual lives better, Satan is coming after me. I have been through hell and high water, I have a story that people always love to hear, I don't know why, but when I start talking people start listening. My testimony gets to people, maybe because it's so real and relatable. I think Satan is trying to finish me off before my body does recover, then my real work can start. I have never once prayed and felt that I hadn't been heard, I have however felt that it just wasn't the time for whatever I asked for,

Well right now, I am praying for peace. Every day, all day, I keep a note in my pocket at work to remind me. I'm praying for all my chronic illness friends, I'm praying for all my close friends, for my family, for anyone who I see that just needs help. This has been God changing me and showing me why I need to hold on. During my times of pain, I can't feel love from my friends. I see it and I know it's happening, I don't feel it in my spirit during this depression. Only when it's from God do I know, keep holding just a little longer.

This last week I've had two days that were fantastic, and several other days that were good. If I keep on talking to God and wearing the patches, I know I'll recover. I just need to stop resting my confidence in whatever blank space I've been in.
This has been, my hardest hour.