A Night With My New Brain

Yesterday I posted two fairly long posts of what's been going on in me and with me even then I still forgot some things that have happened. So much has gone on I don't think I even totally realize what is happening.
Yesterday was an alright day, it was long. I woke up tired, but I made it through the day still being my usual productive self. I was finally able to post last night which made me happy. Then after the lights went off, I thought I was drawing closer to sleep. Instead of sleeping though, things happened, I sat things because I don't know what to call what it is.
Here's how it went...
I had my phone playing a tv show that I like, just off in the background for the noise. Every so often I was texting back and forth with a friend. Then thoughts of fear came to my mind, all I could envision was my best friend dying or being killed, which terrified me. It hurt so much to think about because like I said, we are very close and I don't want to lose my friend. Next up that thought passed and instead I started to feel pain, not usual pain. Mental pain, I don't even know how to describe it. It felt almost like I was being beaten mentally. Torn apart. No specific thoughts or feelings, just pain. I gnashed my teeth and clenched my fists, I was twisting in different directions wearing out all of my muscles. All I could feel was pain, I don't even know why...
It didn't last very long, maybe two or three minutes. I spoke to the friend I was talking to, she said it could possibly be an anxiety attack of sorts. She personally struggles with anxiety and has had many types of attacks, some similar as to what I describe. Maybe she's right.

I have had a few anxiety/panic attacks over the last couple months. One at work lasted for an hour, got and a half maybe. It was hard working in an environment around other people with my heart pounding, brain racing, and hands shaking. I had a song come to mind, so I stuck with it and tried my best to just keep it playing through my mind. Using this focus did help take the edge off. But it took a long hour before I could start pulling back down from that event..
Anxiety attacks have happened several times, but not the traditional heart pounding mind rushing deal. I don't think my body could muster the energy to do all of that. But I have had times where I just can't get my mind off a subject and I get trapped in a loop of paranoia. Without the patches, this was happening 98% of the day every day of every week.

I asked my best friend what his opinion was on what was happening to me right now, I wanted to know what was going through his healthy person mind. He said "I can't believe, that you never get any break from this."
Him telling me this, hit me. He could see it, he knew what was really happening to me...this manic feeling that I can't escape, he saw it.
Him and I are extremely close, but here's the shocker. We haven't even known eachother a year yet, we just clicked from the start. I was doing well when he first met me. I knew him a couple months before I told him I had to go to clinic in Kansas to be treated for my disease. I didn't have to tell him, I was doing alright, the subject didn't come up until I was packing my suitcase. Now I wish him and I both, could get a few days break from this torture.
Right now, writing this post the manic feeling is coming back. I want to run, I want to get out of my bed, walk out the front floor and take off full speed across the front yard then down the street. It hurts to sit still and it hurts to keep thinking so much. If I could run I would be distracted, my burning muscles would over shadow my mind and my other symptoms. I can't run though, nope not a chance. I would be in so much pain and crushing fatigue, every symptom would intensify.
So for now, I'm just gonna write this blog post. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on something besides my body. I wouldn't say it's working, but it's better than staring at the wall.

Today was a very long day. I received my new package of stress patches, I have one on now. I think tomorrow will be a better day, I can feel that it is in my system now.
But today...started at 6:45 am for me. 4 hours of not so great sleep, then I had to get up for school. From school I went directly to work, I worked 8:30-6:00 almost non stop. I get home and back in the bed I go, I almost doze for about 20 minutes then get up to eat, some homework and chores later, now I'm here writing this post.

My body is so tired it's painful: I don't want to stop typing though, I feel like I'll forget something or that I will feel worse by loosing my distraction....
I must try to sleep...it's been a long day...