What Will the Future Hold

Oftentimes I look out in to the distance and I realize something
I can’t control the fact that I’m looking out into the distance. And I can’t help where my mind wanders during that time. And I think, hmm....when did this start?? I used to have such a good brain with concentration and memory and the whole nine yards!
I used to be able to read for hours and hours and not stop until I had to go to bed! As time goes on, reading seems like rocket science.
I can’t stare at a page long enough and even then I may not even remember the words I read.
Again. This has been going on a while but really only recent that I realized that my mind was this level of hijacked.

I have been asking the Lord for so long to point me towards a direction of healing. I ask God to show me that this is all for a reason and I don’t just sufferer for the sake of hurting. I have faith that in the end nothing is an accident. I know I will be totally healed by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ one day, this life or the next. I know that he has me in this life and that any pain I feel will be temporary. It just may not seem so temporary right now.
Me and the Lord have been having a lot of conversations lately if you can’t tell. I am really getting to the point where I have realized the severity of my psychological health. I realize that something severe has happened to my mind and it’s not just some plain Jain depression. I can’t think like myself anymore, my brain won’t let me do so many things. Let me tell you something it sure ain’t for lack of trying!! I try to read all the time and I do successfully read short things. I try to feel joy and peace, and I do but they tend just be short moments for whatever reason unbeknownst to me! I want to feel joy in my life but it is currently Gods plan to learn what life would be without joy. Is it there? Yes. Can I feel it? Ok maybe not so well but it’s there.

I may have possibly reached some answers for some prayers. I have for so long now prayed for my way to end the pain. In time I have realized that even though I would never kill myself or anything so extreme, I have come to think about the subject much more often than I really appreciate. I’d rather not have the feeling of wanting to die to reach escape. I have so many aspirations in life and I know that no matter what situation I am placed in, it will work out for my best. I have had many enjoyable moments living in a sick world. I have had many deep spiritual conversations with people that I would have without a doubt never had if Lyme had never happened.
Like anyone else I’d prefer to not live in some form of chronic pain! Whether it be physical or mental.
See! I got distracted again.
Ok. Answer to prayers. Hurrying it up here.
I have been having some different talks with people and I have been reading a book. I have found a clinic that specializes in brain Spectography which can actually take images of my entire brain and see exactly what is and isn’t working properly. On top of that I will be tested at rest and at work, so the dr can see the change in function.
I have been given the referral to this doctor so that I can begin testing. In the next few days it is possible that my appointment will be setup. This clinic is also Lyme educated, strep educated, as well as some other out of the box scenarios that can affect mental health. They even know a thing or two about chronic insomniacs!
If I can get some sleep out of this, it will be worth it!! I didn’t sleep right even before Lyme.

This clinic is pro natural, so they use supplements, diet, and exercise. They do have the ability to prescribe, though it is not their first preference. I would prefer to never take a drug again, but I am at my wits end. I just feel floaty-boats-lost in space all the time.
I miss my personality! I remember myself as a happy fun person (with a smidge or nerd I’ll admit). I’d like to be that person again!!

I just wanted to share that I will be trying some new things soon...
It’s time that my body get back to living healthy and not living to attempt healthy. I don’t like feeling like I am one of those people who claims their illness. Lyme does not have me, Lyme is just living in my space without permission for the moment being. It is unwelcome in my body, my mind, and my life.
I eat healthy to treat my body right, not to be a snob or be picky. I like Cheetos and Oreos like anyone else I promise. But I don’t like how they make me feel so no, I won’t eat them. (Yes I know people who eat food all the time they know makes them sick. Apparently it’s not a no brainer)

I am excited. It does not sound like a long drawn out process for working towards a solution. Won’t be instant of course and will require work. If it requires excercise...oh boy...that will be HARD work for me! My body despised it for some reason.
But if I’m told to run I’ll run. If I’m told to do stretches I’ll stretch. If the doctor can tell me a comprehensive plan and what all everything will do for me, I’ll work to make it happen.
I am probably looking at a few months before returning to normal but I do know that some things could help right off the bat.
The ball just needs to get rolling.

I’ll post more when I have more information on the psychiatrist booked.