Sorry I'm not keeping you guys in the loop with all that's going on, writing and talking to you guys is one of my favorite things to do. I just keep running out of brain power. Good things have happened.
Tonight is the first time in about a week or two since I have had a full on manic attack, tonight's isn't bad. Today wasn't a fantastic day for whatever reason, I'm blaming the weather and having to wake up at 6:30am.
I have started a new supplement called acetyl CH active by apex, it's the precursors for acetylcholine-one of the brains primary energy chemicals. So I have been having more stability in the day time and more endurance compared to what it's been the last few months. It's not fantastic but if it will give me anything more, I'll take it.
Last Friday I woke up sick with a sinus bug. I went to the clinic I work at and used the ionic footbath, lasers on my kidneys, and I used the biodback device. According to the biofeedback I had Stress to food poisoning, Lyme. Rmsf, infectious mono, and about a dozen parasites, plus mycoplasma. The mycoplasma would be the sinus bug. But everything else, normal for me but looks like I was in a full flair up. So I zapped all the pathogens.
I'll be darned if that didn't help everything this time. I started feeling better a few hours later and all my other stuff started to clear.
Before my last Kansas visit I used all of the above except the footbath on a frequent basis. They always did help out with symptom failed, sometimes significantly. But when I started getting bad all the therapies made everything worse so I stopped. I decided Friday it had been long enough without and it was safe to give it a try. Today has probably been the worst day since, still sniffling but not sick. Today has been fatigue and brain fog, now that it's late and I'm really worn out I'm starting to freak out again....
I've made an appointment to see the doctor I work for next week, he's gonna go through everything I'm taking and see what supports I may need to try out.
Another thing I did, I stopped taking my fish oil Friday. In the past I have had reactions to fish oil causing mental symptoms, that was long long before I had any mental symptoms. I was told I either had rancid fish oil which apparently common or I was allergic. Last year I found one I did like and I've been on it since then. I dont think it's been causing me issues but just in case...I'm taking a break from it.
The paranoia is down finally, I still have thoughts but not attacks. I still cross my fingers for no reason, this gets way worse when I am stressed or something is happening. My fingers will cross very tightly.
Sleep is somewhat better, not consistently better but I'm better for now.
I did come home from school the other day and take a nap. During this nap I had a dream, well nightmare, I was having a panic/mania attack. Total freak out mode, doing exactly what I do when I'm awake during an episode...I finally woke up and I just out of it. It took me a bit to gather myself and realize this time, it wasn't real. But it looked and felt real, very real.
Daily I still go up and down. I have moment of stress but not anxiety, these moments last seconds instead of minutes and hours, heck it's lasted days and weeks before.
One thing I've been trying to get back into doing is researching, I used to do a great job at snooping out the cause of my symptoms. I already know I have parasites and they have been putting the biggest load on my body. Well I did some searching, according to dr.Hulda Clark the strongyloides parasite is associated with manic depression. Which, is one of the parasites the biofeedback machine said I was showing a stress too.
I'll be doing more work this Friday using the machine to zap parasites and whatever else shows up.
After I talk to my doctor here I'm going to speak to my doctor in Kansas, I figure between those two doctors I should have some kind of big picture here.
Everything has gotten more tolerable for now. I attribute this to what I did last Friday, the stress patches I started a few weeks ago, and I've been doing coffee enemas per my dr recommendations.
I'm not getting great results with the enemas, I had higher hopes, but I could just be that toxic right now.
I also stated another patch this weekend called healing xl, it's a herbal boost all help all. So I am using the stress patch, memory patch, and healing xl. I had been using a glutathione patch but it hadn't been doing anything noticeable so I'm gonna break from that for a bit.
The tremors which were seriously bad just a couple weeks ago seemed to have gone away overnight, about a week and a half ago. My hands at one point looked liked they were vibrating, I would hide them at work so no one would notice.
My vision today though for some reason has been very poor. It had been doing fairly well.
I really need to see an eye doctor one day. I just don't have the time or energy for another doctor to tell me another body part is screwed up.
Okay I can't write anymore....I'm hoping I can sleep tonight so tomorrow is better...tomorrow is a 7:00am start day. My panic attack or manic attack, idk what it is, that I've been trying to stave off tonight hasn't changed much...I was hoping writing everything out would help knock it down
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Just Talking to be Heard
Another day, another dollar right? I'm still alive today, guess that constitutes success right?
My mind has reached the point where today I can't intake any new information. I was trying to do all the homework could before tomorrow, because I only have today and tomorrow to do Thursday's homework. But my mind has died and no more reading can happen...so now I'm annoyed that I'll be piling up so much work to do tomorrow :/
I just hope that tonight I can rest well so I can function tomorrow.
As per Rebecca's suggestion I am trying out some chamomile tonight, I don't have any capsules but I do have organic tea. Let's see what happens.
I have been trying to think about treatment options, what should I try to do about all of this ? It's about time for me to email my Kansas doctor anyway, might as well get as much done at once as possible right . I just don't know what I could say that is beneficial, I mean I wake up tired and go to bed in panic mode. No energy is to be found anywhere. I am already taking a humongous boatload of supplements for everything imaginable. Inflammation, adrenals, vitamin C, D, detox, heavy metals, Bach remedies, my whole color wheel has been covered. Yet I can't get out of the tired but wired phase. That's what's happening right now, I can't stop and I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. No energy though, nope. None of that. No brain power either, everything I'm typing right now is due to being manic and not being able to stop what I'm doing and try to sleep. I'm sitting to write this post and not only have I stayed jittery but it's worsening. The tea is steeping, won't be long before that's in my system. I don't think I have ever prayed over tea this much before in my life, but Lord please let it stop this response I'm stuck in.
One of the manic symptoms that has come back after a week or two absence is my inpatients to hear from my friends. I can't stop being obsessive over how long it takes for them to respond and I keep checking to see if I've gotten a message back. There isn't a reason for this, it just happens out of no where...I have no control but to try to distract my mind.
It was extremely bad a few weeks ago before I went to Kansas, like more extreme than I knew possible. Even being in person with my friends that I text I still didn't feel like I was getting enough, I don't know what I even wanted.
During times like this it's like I can't pull away from a small few people, but I also want to hide from everyone in my closet until something changes. It's an unbearable feeling. Talking it out doesn't seem to help and niether do any supplements I've tried.
I decided to cut back more hours from work, I have permission to do whatever I need and I can cut entire days if I have to. I don't know if that will make any difference or not. I love working, it's my safe place. I love the people I see on a daily basis and I love the people I work with. But it depends energy, I don't have any to expend right now. I hate to cut work at all, but that's one of the few choices I can make.
With that said, maybe next week will be easier.
But right now, with the damages of school, homework, and work-I'm mentally hurting and having anxiety. I have already taken two sleeping pills and they haven't seemed to slow anything. Too tired to be productive and too wired to rest.
Music annoys me, videos and tv shows annoy me, I can't write physically because my hands shake too much then they hurt, so now all I have is talking.
I used to watch comediens or listen to some kind of music, but when I'm wired it's just not possible. My mind is way too far off to try to comprehend what's going on in the screen.
I am writing all this so one day I can look back and see how much I have improved and also for anyone that needs to see what kind of turmoil stress and Lyme disease does. I want people to understand that this is no joke when the days are bad. Ice cream and rainbows won't help this...just not that simple.
Anyway. I'm going to drink my tea and pray. Then pray again. Maybe by then I'll fall asleep.
My mind has reached the point where today I can't intake any new information. I was trying to do all the homework could before tomorrow, because I only have today and tomorrow to do Thursday's homework. But my mind has died and no more reading can happen...so now I'm annoyed that I'll be piling up so much work to do tomorrow :/
I just hope that tonight I can rest well so I can function tomorrow.
As per Rebecca's suggestion I am trying out some chamomile tonight, I don't have any capsules but I do have organic tea. Let's see what happens.
I have been trying to think about treatment options, what should I try to do about all of this ? It's about time for me to email my Kansas doctor anyway, might as well get as much done at once as possible right . I just don't know what I could say that is beneficial, I mean I wake up tired and go to bed in panic mode. No energy is to be found anywhere. I am already taking a humongous boatload of supplements for everything imaginable. Inflammation, adrenals, vitamin C, D, detox, heavy metals, Bach remedies, my whole color wheel has been covered. Yet I can't get out of the tired but wired phase. That's what's happening right now, I can't stop and I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. No energy though, nope. None of that. No brain power either, everything I'm typing right now is due to being manic and not being able to stop what I'm doing and try to sleep. I'm sitting to write this post and not only have I stayed jittery but it's worsening. The tea is steeping, won't be long before that's in my system. I don't think I have ever prayed over tea this much before in my life, but Lord please let it stop this response I'm stuck in.
One of the manic symptoms that has come back after a week or two absence is my inpatients to hear from my friends. I can't stop being obsessive over how long it takes for them to respond and I keep checking to see if I've gotten a message back. There isn't a reason for this, it just happens out of no where...I have no control but to try to distract my mind.
It was extremely bad a few weeks ago before I went to Kansas, like more extreme than I knew possible. Even being in person with my friends that I text I still didn't feel like I was getting enough, I don't know what I even wanted.
During times like this it's like I can't pull away from a small few people, but I also want to hide from everyone in my closet until something changes. It's an unbearable feeling. Talking it out doesn't seem to help and niether do any supplements I've tried.
I decided to cut back more hours from work, I have permission to do whatever I need and I can cut entire days if I have to. I don't know if that will make any difference or not. I love working, it's my safe place. I love the people I see on a daily basis and I love the people I work with. But it depends energy, I don't have any to expend right now. I hate to cut work at all, but that's one of the few choices I can make.
With that said, maybe next week will be easier.
But right now, with the damages of school, homework, and work-I'm mentally hurting and having anxiety. I have already taken two sleeping pills and they haven't seemed to slow anything. Too tired to be productive and too wired to rest.
Music annoys me, videos and tv shows annoy me, I can't write physically because my hands shake too much then they hurt, so now all I have is talking.
I used to watch comediens or listen to some kind of music, but when I'm wired it's just not possible. My mind is way too far off to try to comprehend what's going on in the screen.
I am writing all this so one day I can look back and see how much I have improved and also for anyone that needs to see what kind of turmoil stress and Lyme disease does. I want people to understand that this is no joke when the days are bad. Ice cream and rainbows won't help this...just not that simple.
Anyway. I'm going to drink my tea and pray. Then pray again. Maybe by then I'll fall asleep.
Monday, August 14, 2017
A Night With My New Brain
Yesterday I posted two fairly long posts of what's been going on in me and with me even then I still forgot some things that have happened. So much has gone on I don't think I even totally realize what is happening.
Yesterday was an alright day, it was long. I woke up tired, but I made it through the day still being my usual productive self. I was finally able to post last night which made me happy. Then after the lights went off, I thought I was drawing closer to sleep. Instead of sleeping though, things happened, I sat things because I don't know what to call what it is.
Here's how it went...
I had my phone playing a tv show that I like, just off in the background for the noise. Every so often I was texting back and forth with a friend. Then thoughts of fear came to my mind, all I could envision was my best friend dying or being killed, which terrified me. It hurt so much to think about because like I said, we are very close and I don't want to lose my friend. Next up that thought passed and instead I started to feel pain, not usual pain. Mental pain, I don't even know how to describe it. It felt almost like I was being beaten mentally. Torn apart. No specific thoughts or feelings, just pain. I gnashed my teeth and clenched my fists, I was twisting in different directions wearing out all of my muscles. All I could feel was pain, I don't even know why...
It didn't last very long, maybe two or three minutes. I spoke to the friend I was talking to, she said it could possibly be an anxiety attack of sorts. She personally struggles with anxiety and has had many types of attacks, some similar as to what I describe. Maybe she's right.
I have had a few anxiety/panic attacks over the last couple months. One at work lasted for an hour, got and a half maybe. It was hard working in an environment around other people with my heart pounding, brain racing, and hands shaking. I had a song come to mind, so I stuck with it and tried my best to just keep it playing through my mind. Using this focus did help take the edge off. But it took a long hour before I could start pulling back down from that event..
Anxiety attacks have happened several times, but not the traditional heart pounding mind rushing deal. I don't think my body could muster the energy to do all of that. But I have had times where I just can't get my mind off a subject and I get trapped in a loop of paranoia. Without the patches, this was happening 98% of the day every day of every week.
I asked my best friend what his opinion was on what was happening to me right now, I wanted to know what was going through his healthy person mind. He said "I can't believe, that you never get any break from this."
Him telling me this, hit me. He could see it, he knew what was really happening to me...this manic feeling that I can't escape, he saw it.
Him and I are extremely close, but here's the shocker. We haven't even known eachother a year yet, we just clicked from the start. I was doing well when he first met me. I knew him a couple months before I told him I had to go to clinic in Kansas to be treated for my disease. I didn't have to tell him, I was doing alright, the subject didn't come up until I was packing my suitcase. Now I wish him and I both, could get a few days break from this torture.
Right now, writing this post the manic feeling is coming back. I want to run, I want to get out of my bed, walk out the front floor and take off full speed across the front yard then down the street. It hurts to sit still and it hurts to keep thinking so much. If I could run I would be distracted, my burning muscles would over shadow my mind and my other symptoms. I can't run though, nope not a chance. I would be in so much pain and crushing fatigue, every symptom would intensify.
So for now, I'm just gonna write this blog post. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on something besides my body. I wouldn't say it's working, but it's better than staring at the wall.
Today was a very long day. I received my new package of stress patches, I have one on now. I think tomorrow will be a better day, I can feel that it is in my system now.
But today...started at 6:45 am for me. 4 hours of not so great sleep, then I had to get up for school. From school I went directly to work, I worked 8:30-6:00 almost non stop. I get home and back in the bed I go, I almost doze for about 20 minutes then get up to eat, some homework and chores later, now I'm here writing this post.
My body is so tired it's painful: I don't want to stop typing though, I feel like I'll forget something or that I will feel worse by loosing my distraction....
I must try to sleep...it's been a long day...
Yesterday was an alright day, it was long. I woke up tired, but I made it through the day still being my usual productive self. I was finally able to post last night which made me happy. Then after the lights went off, I thought I was drawing closer to sleep. Instead of sleeping though, things happened, I sat things because I don't know what to call what it is.
Here's how it went...
I had my phone playing a tv show that I like, just off in the background for the noise. Every so often I was texting back and forth with a friend. Then thoughts of fear came to my mind, all I could envision was my best friend dying or being killed, which terrified me. It hurt so much to think about because like I said, we are very close and I don't want to lose my friend. Next up that thought passed and instead I started to feel pain, not usual pain. Mental pain, I don't even know how to describe it. It felt almost like I was being beaten mentally. Torn apart. No specific thoughts or feelings, just pain. I gnashed my teeth and clenched my fists, I was twisting in different directions wearing out all of my muscles. All I could feel was pain, I don't even know why...
It didn't last very long, maybe two or three minutes. I spoke to the friend I was talking to, she said it could possibly be an anxiety attack of sorts. She personally struggles with anxiety and has had many types of attacks, some similar as to what I describe. Maybe she's right.
I have had a few anxiety/panic attacks over the last couple months. One at work lasted for an hour, got and a half maybe. It was hard working in an environment around other people with my heart pounding, brain racing, and hands shaking. I had a song come to mind, so I stuck with it and tried my best to just keep it playing through my mind. Using this focus did help take the edge off. But it took a long hour before I could start pulling back down from that event..
Anxiety attacks have happened several times, but not the traditional heart pounding mind rushing deal. I don't think my body could muster the energy to do all of that. But I have had times where I just can't get my mind off a subject and I get trapped in a loop of paranoia. Without the patches, this was happening 98% of the day every day of every week.
I asked my best friend what his opinion was on what was happening to me right now, I wanted to know what was going through his healthy person mind. He said "I can't believe, that you never get any break from this."
Him telling me this, hit me. He could see it, he knew what was really happening to me...this manic feeling that I can't escape, he saw it.
Him and I are extremely close, but here's the shocker. We haven't even known eachother a year yet, we just clicked from the start. I was doing well when he first met me. I knew him a couple months before I told him I had to go to clinic in Kansas to be treated for my disease. I didn't have to tell him, I was doing alright, the subject didn't come up until I was packing my suitcase. Now I wish him and I both, could get a few days break from this torture.
Right now, writing this post the manic feeling is coming back. I want to run, I want to get out of my bed, walk out the front floor and take off full speed across the front yard then down the street. It hurts to sit still and it hurts to keep thinking so much. If I could run I would be distracted, my burning muscles would over shadow my mind and my other symptoms. I can't run though, nope not a chance. I would be in so much pain and crushing fatigue, every symptom would intensify.
So for now, I'm just gonna write this blog post. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on something besides my body. I wouldn't say it's working, but it's better than staring at the wall.
Today was a very long day. I received my new package of stress patches, I have one on now. I think tomorrow will be a better day, I can feel that it is in my system now.
But today...started at 6:45 am for me. 4 hours of not so great sleep, then I had to get up for school. From school I went directly to work, I worked 8:30-6:00 almost non stop. I get home and back in the bed I go, I almost doze for about 20 minutes then get up to eat, some homework and chores later, now I'm here writing this post.
My body is so tired it's painful: I don't want to stop typing though, I feel like I'll forget something or that I will feel worse by loosing my distraction....
I must try to sleep...it's been a long day...
Sunday, August 13, 2017
When You Lose Your Mind Part 2
*continuation*
Since I prayed so hard, things have changed again. That night I felt lighter and felt something again, something besides despair. Maybe I had just bottled up to much, I didn't realsise how much I had secluded myself.
I have since spoken to 3 other people about how horrible I have been feeling mentally. It's hard to share when you are paranoid. I have always been the strong one in my friend group, so to show that I am not only not Okay, but crying...unheard of. During this period I have never more felt like a sissy, because this is the first time I haven't been able to handle everything by myself. I had to have someone to go to. I've been on walks with my friend just so we can talk in private, one day I think we walked about 6 miles. Another time I couldn't sleep, him and I went walking about 4:30am. I never knew someone could be so kind to me, and enjoy it. I think he would admit I've been a struggle to deal with, not because of all he's had to do but because he's not sure how to make me feel better for more than a minute. I've been going to him non stop for almost two months now, maybe more.
I can't think straight and thoughts become obsessive or paranoid. So I'm turn I have to talk to someone to help me untwist my brain. At one point in time I could handle myself, I don't know what happened. I don't know what started this either, it was beginning before my clinic visit and before all the stressful events I listed. I can't pin point the true root cause of this
I always could figure something out I did wrong that had caused me to few badly...
now things have changed, even if I eat perfectly healthy I feel just the same. If I sleep harder, no change, I mean every little thing that used to perk me up or turn me around entirely-nothing at all. I still eat healthy every day, but I must be doing something wrong.
Something that did hit home, that I haven't mentioned yet. During the same time as the second car accident, my best friends sister tried to flee the country with some boy she had met. She dropped out of school on Tuesday and she had a plane ticket for Thursday. Her parents booked it to her school when they heard she dropped out, they did eventually catch up to her. She got on the plane from her home town to ATL, her siblings met her at the gate in Atlanta and they managed to get her to stay. She came home with the rest of the family, the boy went on to his country. My friends family has been struggling ever since, the sister never would talk...no one knows what went through her mind. She still talks to the guy and one day he is supposed to come back to meet her family (me-insert big laugh here, I don't ever suspect he will come back). Now recently she's gone back to school, a new one up north farther away from home. No one knows what her plan is, or even if she's going to school. We just have to wait this one out...she's an adult, she's can and will do what she wants.
Needless to say, my friend has been struggling through battles of his own. I will never forget the day he called me to tell me what had happened, I was at work. He called crying, I had never seen him cry before and I hadnt seen it happen since. Hes not one to talk about himself, but I can see in him that he is hurting.
Okay, I'll finally stop talking about my best friend. I'll finish up with my story so you all can go on about your day:)
A few weeks ago I went to Hansa. Everything went well this time, I have made a turn around compared to last time. Physically I feel very well, my back isn't in any pain. I always have at least a tiny amount of back pain, but right now I'm solid. Emotionally I was better at the clinic, I was starting to walk back into my mind. I lost it a few days after coming home.
I work for a doctor and he's found something for me. While I was away at Hansa we started carrying some new products, one is a homeopathic patch. I have been using one for stress, it's finally pulling me back down to earth.
This last week I have made progress, most likely due to the patch. I only had enough for a few days, now I am out..the one I am still wearing was due to run out yesterday. I felt the shift down again this morning when I woke up, I am beginning to backslide. I'll be getting a full pack tomorrow instead of just a sample, I should be able to start recovering, maybe even for good-soon.
I don't know what happened to me, I have never cried, ranted, obsessed, or felt so hopeless in my life. I don't know what the original trigger was, I am just trying to heal now. My gut says that now that I am beginning to pull out of the chronic illness state, and I am working hard with some other people who want to make their spiritual lives better, Satan is coming after me. I have been through hell and high water, I have a story that people always love to hear, I don't know why, but when I start talking people start listening. My testimony gets to people, maybe because it's so real and relatable. I think Satan is trying to finish me off before my body does recover, then my real work can start. I have never once prayed and felt that I hadn't been heard, I have however felt that it just wasn't the time for whatever I asked for,
Well right now, I am praying for peace. Every day, all day, I keep a note in my pocket at work to remind me. I'm praying for all my chronic illness friends, I'm praying for all my close friends, for my family, for anyone who I see that just needs help. This has been God changing me and showing me why I need to hold on. During my times of pain, I can't feel love from my friends. I see it and I know it's happening, I don't feel it in my spirit during this depression. Only when it's from God do I know, keep holding just a little longer.
This last week I've had two days that were fantastic, and several other days that were good. If I keep on talking to God and wearing the patches, I know I'll recover. I just need to stop resting my confidence in whatever blank space I've been in.
This has been, my hardest hour.
Since I prayed so hard, things have changed again. That night I felt lighter and felt something again, something besides despair. Maybe I had just bottled up to much, I didn't realsise how much I had secluded myself.
I have since spoken to 3 other people about how horrible I have been feeling mentally. It's hard to share when you are paranoid. I have always been the strong one in my friend group, so to show that I am not only not Okay, but crying...unheard of. During this period I have never more felt like a sissy, because this is the first time I haven't been able to handle everything by myself. I had to have someone to go to. I've been on walks with my friend just so we can talk in private, one day I think we walked about 6 miles. Another time I couldn't sleep, him and I went walking about 4:30am. I never knew someone could be so kind to me, and enjoy it. I think he would admit I've been a struggle to deal with, not because of all he's had to do but because he's not sure how to make me feel better for more than a minute. I've been going to him non stop for almost two months now, maybe more.
I can't think straight and thoughts become obsessive or paranoid. So I'm turn I have to talk to someone to help me untwist my brain. At one point in time I could handle myself, I don't know what happened. I don't know what started this either, it was beginning before my clinic visit and before all the stressful events I listed. I can't pin point the true root cause of this
I always could figure something out I did wrong that had caused me to few badly...
now things have changed, even if I eat perfectly healthy I feel just the same. If I sleep harder, no change, I mean every little thing that used to perk me up or turn me around entirely-nothing at all. I still eat healthy every day, but I must be doing something wrong.
Something that did hit home, that I haven't mentioned yet. During the same time as the second car accident, my best friends sister tried to flee the country with some boy she had met. She dropped out of school on Tuesday and she had a plane ticket for Thursday. Her parents booked it to her school when they heard she dropped out, they did eventually catch up to her. She got on the plane from her home town to ATL, her siblings met her at the gate in Atlanta and they managed to get her to stay. She came home with the rest of the family, the boy went on to his country. My friends family has been struggling ever since, the sister never would talk...no one knows what went through her mind. She still talks to the guy and one day he is supposed to come back to meet her family (me-insert big laugh here, I don't ever suspect he will come back). Now recently she's gone back to school, a new one up north farther away from home. No one knows what her plan is, or even if she's going to school. We just have to wait this one out...she's an adult, she's can and will do what she wants.
Needless to say, my friend has been struggling through battles of his own. I will never forget the day he called me to tell me what had happened, I was at work. He called crying, I had never seen him cry before and I hadnt seen it happen since. Hes not one to talk about himself, but I can see in him that he is hurting.
Okay, I'll finally stop talking about my best friend. I'll finish up with my story so you all can go on about your day:)
A few weeks ago I went to Hansa. Everything went well this time, I have made a turn around compared to last time. Physically I feel very well, my back isn't in any pain. I always have at least a tiny amount of back pain, but right now I'm solid. Emotionally I was better at the clinic, I was starting to walk back into my mind. I lost it a few days after coming home.
I work for a doctor and he's found something for me. While I was away at Hansa we started carrying some new products, one is a homeopathic patch. I have been using one for stress, it's finally pulling me back down to earth.
This last week I have made progress, most likely due to the patch. I only had enough for a few days, now I am out..the one I am still wearing was due to run out yesterday. I felt the shift down again this morning when I woke up, I am beginning to backslide. I'll be getting a full pack tomorrow instead of just a sample, I should be able to start recovering, maybe even for good-soon.
I don't know what happened to me, I have never cried, ranted, obsessed, or felt so hopeless in my life. I don't know what the original trigger was, I am just trying to heal now. My gut says that now that I am beginning to pull out of the chronic illness state, and I am working hard with some other people who want to make their spiritual lives better, Satan is coming after me. I have been through hell and high water, I have a story that people always love to hear, I don't know why, but when I start talking people start listening. My testimony gets to people, maybe because it's so real and relatable. I think Satan is trying to finish me off before my body does recover, then my real work can start. I have never once prayed and felt that I hadn't been heard, I have however felt that it just wasn't the time for whatever I asked for,
Well right now, I am praying for peace. Every day, all day, I keep a note in my pocket at work to remind me. I'm praying for all my chronic illness friends, I'm praying for all my close friends, for my family, for anyone who I see that just needs help. This has been God changing me and showing me why I need to hold on. During my times of pain, I can't feel love from my friends. I see it and I know it's happening, I don't feel it in my spirit during this depression. Only when it's from God do I know, keep holding just a little longer.
This last week I've had two days that were fantastic, and several other days that were good. If I keep on talking to God and wearing the patches, I know I'll recover. I just need to stop resting my confidence in whatever blank space I've been in.
This has been, my hardest hour.
When You Lose Your Mind Part 1
I am sorry to be posting yet another depressing post...
I will start off with saying that it's possible I am reaching the end of my mental breakdown, but I'm not there yet.
With that said, here's a snapshot of the last few months of my life.
Back in April or so I could tell my mind was starting to change, memory was getting worse and sometimes I just couldn't feel right(even compared to my normal not "right" feeling). It would come and go, I dismissed it as a usual symptom...brain fog has been with me ainc the beginning and has never actually gone away, just wavered.
Then around that same time period I have a visit to the clinic where I am treated. I go in with a good looking blood report, the doctor and I both think this will be a shorter than previous visit.
Wrong. I get sicker than I've ever been before, by a loong shot. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without bones being broken. During my week long stay I quite eating more than snacks for a few days, lost weight I don't have to loose, blurry vision, you name it. This physical reaction was a shock to myself and the doctor. Except for the increased brain fog, which we had attributed to my diet change to more meat products(possibly causing inflammation and for sure raising uric acid, I was doing better than I had been in years. I was even beginning to exercise, which I hadn't done in 5-6 years, in my mind I had made it through some steep climbs.
Once this trip to the clinic concluded and I returned back home, I slowly recovered. I went back to work and school at about the same rate as usual. But in all honesty, I lost traction from here on out. I was able to get back to exercising for a few weeks then that slowly dwindled away, haven't seen it since.
After the clinic visit I thought I would slowly recover to my entirety, we all thought I would. I was doing a strong treatment protocol, I thought it would just take time....
Next came some major life stress, I've been mentioning this in the last several posts. I haven't totally said everything that's been going on because I haven't felt I needed to share everything just yet. Today I am going to share everything that I can remember, it is long-just a warning.
May, my first car accident. It was latish at night, I had been driving for an hour already...then at a stop sign I gassed instead of braked(paraphrased). It wasn't a bad car accident by any stretch, the police said if I had to have an accident this was the best to have. No one was hurt, just some bumper damage. This event though did put my mind into a shock, I couldn't believe I had done this...something so stupid and easily preventable. I had never been in an accident before, but whatever...everyone was okay. The stress and shock just threw me off, I still haven't told most of my friends about it. I've told a couple, very few people about it. That's all I ever plan on telling because I just don't want anyone else to know I did something so dumb..
Not too long after that, my mom pulls me to the side one day. She tells me something that I've been expecting for a long time, dad wanted to divorce her. My dad has a slightly narcissistic personality, he can be hard to deal with and he's not always the most understanding individual. During this time dad checks out, a little more than he usual does anyway, and guess who gets to take up the slack? Mom and I.
Now here's the catch, I know what you are all thinking, all marriages have issues and the ones who can work it out work it out. But here's what happened, dad wouldn't talk about it. Dad to this day doesn't know he knows that he wants a divorce. Many times my mom was very upset with what he had said to her. Dads a neat freak, so to make him happy mom goes into hard core cleaning mode while he's at work so he can come home to a clean house. You name it she cleaned or organized it, the shelves in the closet in the basement, all the bedrooms..everything she could. Wherever mom couldn't do sometime, I did it. During this time period my sister graduated and we had a grad party at the house for her. So I pressure washed the patio and cleaned anything outside I could, I spent hours and days finding any little thing I could do because during this time my sister was preoccupied and dad was in outer space somewhere.
Since this time, I've had many days doing similar activities. My regular jobs around the house are cutting the grass, washing the cars, doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. Pretty average compared to what most of my friends do. Since the whole change earlier this year, I pressure wash, maintain the pool, I play housekeeper on the days I have enough time(vacuum, windex, whole 9), I grocery shop, the list goes on.
Like I said, to this day dad doesn't know that I know any of what's been going on. My sister still doesn't know, moms tried to talk to her but she's not one for dealing with other peoples issues...she just doesn't care to know.
During a family meeting dad did mention that him and mom were having issues but us kids didn't need to worry about it, it's all going to be just fine for us.
During said meeting, I had to say a few things to my dad that weren't so friendly and I didn't enjoy saying. He didn't get that I had long previously been picking up slack for him, so I had to point that out.
Reaching the present time, things are better. There will be no divorce, during none of this time did mom ever want a divorce. Dad is starting to come back into our world. Honestly, I think he's been depressed, I've thought that for probably two years now. I've spoken to some people since this event, they've all agreed.
I just have to say, this 4-5 month long event took a lot out of me. At home I was always burning energy to do something for someone else. Emotionally it's been traumatizing, I'm the intuitive one in the family, not much of anything has been a shock to me. I've suspected something was going on for a long time and I personally think I can see both of my parents personalities than they do for eachother. I've spent many hours with my mom helping her out however I can.
I am very grateful things have gotten better, we still have a ways before mom and I see normal again, but mom and I are functioning better now. During this time I did have to stand up and be mean several times, which of course I hate doing, no one likes being mean. It just shook my thoughts I guess you could say, I had to think differently than before.
Next on the docket-in comes car accident number two. This time not my fault, praise the Lord. Unlike my accident, I wasn't alone this time. I had my two best friends and my sister in the car. It was a very minor accident, he just dented the corner of my bumper. My body already being wonky, this did throw me into shock mode again. We were headed out of town for the afternoon, so after the accident I had another two or three hours of driving to do, can we say stress burnout?? My mind was totally fried when I finally made it back to my couch. Thankfully this ordeal was short lived, my car is fixed and I've long recovered.
Behind curtain number 3! We have school stress. Year two of college, yay!
Most people just apply to college...get accepted then attend class. Well, that's just too easy for me. Last year I did college online so I could continue to go to the clinic and recover. I didn't care for it so much, so this year I transferred to a local school. Boy was that harder than I was expecting.
First I had to fight with the online school for my transcripts, then I had to get letters of recommendation to get into the new school, I had to call the school and email to find out what requirements I needed to fulfil and how to even sign up for class..
All my summer this took...I wasn't accepted to the school at first because I had a low SAT, well I had to write them a letter about that. When I took the SAT, I was full blown chronic Lyme, in the trenches. I had one shot at the SAT, no it didn't go well. However my saving grace was that my high school transcripts my GPA was just barely short of 4.0, so they knew I wasn't an idiot. I spoke to whoever I needed to and I jumped the hoops, I was accepted about three weeks ago. My classes started last week. I was able to sign up to my classes finally, two days before they started...
This was what really drug me to the floor over the summer. Now school has started, I am into doing homework and waking up early for class, then going on to work. I never thought work would be so relaxing.
Skipping over the problems at work, nothing to do with me but some close co workers have had some major life issues as well...
I will move on to how I've actually been doing. I've listed my gripes so far, but here's where it gets really good.
In the beginning of my post I mentioned that my mind hadn't been the same for some reason. Then in my last post I mentioned how I haven't been doing so great. Well, here it is.
My best friend, deserves a medal. He has listened to everything I've ever had to say. Except for this week, I have been filled with paranoia and anxiety. I have been so afraid of everything, other people, my friends, my family, myself, speaking, not speaking, my doctor, my work....I have just lost it. Over the last several months I have slightly separated myself from most of my friends because I've been too fried to maintain more than one or two conversations at one time. I haven't had the energy to invite friends over and have get togethers, I just have really cut myself off.
But my best friend, he's been right there. He hasn't let me shut out from him, he won't leave me alone to my own devices.
He's been my secret keeper, I told him about the car accident and my parents, plus some other drama that's been going on with some of my other friends that has gotten to me.
Recently we went on a trip to the beach, my parents, my best friend, my sister and her friend. I was left in the dust a few times because I wasn't feeling well. But my friend made sure I was taken care of before it was all said and done.
One night, I had an adrenal attack. I was talking to my friend about something that was bugging me, commonstay now because of the paranoia, next thing I knew it was a dozen things. Then I reached full exhaustion and I couldn't speak anymore...I just curled up in the sheets. I was shaking and tears were coming out of my eyes, my friend is a great listener, he speaks when there's something to be said. In this moment I think he knew there wasn't anything anyone could say to change what was happening to me. He did what I needed but was just too embarresed to say, he got in the bed right behind me and held me tightly. He said some things that I can't remember, but I do remember him saying he wouldn't abandon me like other friends of mine had on the days I wasn't well. I was in very, very bad shape that night. I stayed right in his arms until he fell asleep, by then I had calmed myself and I needed some space, he needed to sleep. I'm a big job these days, he needs to rest. Imagine that, two teenage guys...one holding the other like the world was going to end, the other crying and just loosing everything.
Sounds like a bad movie doesn't it?
Twice more he's had to do something like this.
A week ago I was at his house, just him and I. We watched a movie and he fell asleep on his couch. I finished out the movie...then I didn't want to leave, I was afraid...so I turned on another movie and he kept sleeping.
Finally I knew it was time for me to go home, I had been crying to myself for about two hours and it was getting late. I woke up my friend and before any time passed I was balling to him again. He just pulled me close and listened to me rant. We prayed together, as we often do as of a few months ago. I drove myself home, screaming and crying the whole way home. Just asking God what do I need to do, what's caused this horrible shift in my mind. Why do I feel hopeless every day even though things are going well? Why can't I feel the good things anymore, why is my joy dead? Almost 40 minutes I prayed, screaming, asking God for guidance, thanking him to all the great people I have, asking prayers for others I know that are sufffering, I have never prayed so hard in my life.
I have been better since this occurrence last week. Still not well,
I will start off with saying that it's possible I am reaching the end of my mental breakdown, but I'm not there yet.
With that said, here's a snapshot of the last few months of my life.
Back in April or so I could tell my mind was starting to change, memory was getting worse and sometimes I just couldn't feel right(even compared to my normal not "right" feeling). It would come and go, I dismissed it as a usual symptom...brain fog has been with me ainc the beginning and has never actually gone away, just wavered.
Then around that same time period I have a visit to the clinic where I am treated. I go in with a good looking blood report, the doctor and I both think this will be a shorter than previous visit.
Wrong. I get sicker than I've ever been before, by a loong shot. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without bones being broken. During my week long stay I quite eating more than snacks for a few days, lost weight I don't have to loose, blurry vision, you name it. This physical reaction was a shock to myself and the doctor. Except for the increased brain fog, which we had attributed to my diet change to more meat products(possibly causing inflammation and for sure raising uric acid, I was doing better than I had been in years. I was even beginning to exercise, which I hadn't done in 5-6 years, in my mind I had made it through some steep climbs.
Once this trip to the clinic concluded and I returned back home, I slowly recovered. I went back to work and school at about the same rate as usual. But in all honesty, I lost traction from here on out. I was able to get back to exercising for a few weeks then that slowly dwindled away, haven't seen it since.
After the clinic visit I thought I would slowly recover to my entirety, we all thought I would. I was doing a strong treatment protocol, I thought it would just take time....
Next came some major life stress, I've been mentioning this in the last several posts. I haven't totally said everything that's been going on because I haven't felt I needed to share everything just yet. Today I am going to share everything that I can remember, it is long-just a warning.
May, my first car accident. It was latish at night, I had been driving for an hour already...then at a stop sign I gassed instead of braked(paraphrased). It wasn't a bad car accident by any stretch, the police said if I had to have an accident this was the best to have. No one was hurt, just some bumper damage. This event though did put my mind into a shock, I couldn't believe I had done this...something so stupid and easily preventable. I had never been in an accident before, but whatever...everyone was okay. The stress and shock just threw me off, I still haven't told most of my friends about it. I've told a couple, very few people about it. That's all I ever plan on telling because I just don't want anyone else to know I did something so dumb..
Not too long after that, my mom pulls me to the side one day. She tells me something that I've been expecting for a long time, dad wanted to divorce her. My dad has a slightly narcissistic personality, he can be hard to deal with and he's not always the most understanding individual. During this time dad checks out, a little more than he usual does anyway, and guess who gets to take up the slack? Mom and I.
Now here's the catch, I know what you are all thinking, all marriages have issues and the ones who can work it out work it out. But here's what happened, dad wouldn't talk about it. Dad to this day doesn't know he knows that he wants a divorce. Many times my mom was very upset with what he had said to her. Dads a neat freak, so to make him happy mom goes into hard core cleaning mode while he's at work so he can come home to a clean house. You name it she cleaned or organized it, the shelves in the closet in the basement, all the bedrooms..everything she could. Wherever mom couldn't do sometime, I did it. During this time period my sister graduated and we had a grad party at the house for her. So I pressure washed the patio and cleaned anything outside I could, I spent hours and days finding any little thing I could do because during this time my sister was preoccupied and dad was in outer space somewhere.
Since this time, I've had many days doing similar activities. My regular jobs around the house are cutting the grass, washing the cars, doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. Pretty average compared to what most of my friends do. Since the whole change earlier this year, I pressure wash, maintain the pool, I play housekeeper on the days I have enough time(vacuum, windex, whole 9), I grocery shop, the list goes on.
Like I said, to this day dad doesn't know that I know any of what's been going on. My sister still doesn't know, moms tried to talk to her but she's not one for dealing with other peoples issues...she just doesn't care to know.
During a family meeting dad did mention that him and mom were having issues but us kids didn't need to worry about it, it's all going to be just fine for us.
During said meeting, I had to say a few things to my dad that weren't so friendly and I didn't enjoy saying. He didn't get that I had long previously been picking up slack for him, so I had to point that out.
Reaching the present time, things are better. There will be no divorce, during none of this time did mom ever want a divorce. Dad is starting to come back into our world. Honestly, I think he's been depressed, I've thought that for probably two years now. I've spoken to some people since this event, they've all agreed.
I just have to say, this 4-5 month long event took a lot out of me. At home I was always burning energy to do something for someone else. Emotionally it's been traumatizing, I'm the intuitive one in the family, not much of anything has been a shock to me. I've suspected something was going on for a long time and I personally think I can see both of my parents personalities than they do for eachother. I've spent many hours with my mom helping her out however I can.
I am very grateful things have gotten better, we still have a ways before mom and I see normal again, but mom and I are functioning better now. During this time I did have to stand up and be mean several times, which of course I hate doing, no one likes being mean. It just shook my thoughts I guess you could say, I had to think differently than before.
Next on the docket-in comes car accident number two. This time not my fault, praise the Lord. Unlike my accident, I wasn't alone this time. I had my two best friends and my sister in the car. It was a very minor accident, he just dented the corner of my bumper. My body already being wonky, this did throw me into shock mode again. We were headed out of town for the afternoon, so after the accident I had another two or three hours of driving to do, can we say stress burnout?? My mind was totally fried when I finally made it back to my couch. Thankfully this ordeal was short lived, my car is fixed and I've long recovered.
Behind curtain number 3! We have school stress. Year two of college, yay!
Most people just apply to college...get accepted then attend class. Well, that's just too easy for me. Last year I did college online so I could continue to go to the clinic and recover. I didn't care for it so much, so this year I transferred to a local school. Boy was that harder than I was expecting.
First I had to fight with the online school for my transcripts, then I had to get letters of recommendation to get into the new school, I had to call the school and email to find out what requirements I needed to fulfil and how to even sign up for class..
All my summer this took...I wasn't accepted to the school at first because I had a low SAT, well I had to write them a letter about that. When I took the SAT, I was full blown chronic Lyme, in the trenches. I had one shot at the SAT, no it didn't go well. However my saving grace was that my high school transcripts my GPA was just barely short of 4.0, so they knew I wasn't an idiot. I spoke to whoever I needed to and I jumped the hoops, I was accepted about three weeks ago. My classes started last week. I was able to sign up to my classes finally, two days before they started...
This was what really drug me to the floor over the summer. Now school has started, I am into doing homework and waking up early for class, then going on to work. I never thought work would be so relaxing.
Skipping over the problems at work, nothing to do with me but some close co workers have had some major life issues as well...
I will move on to how I've actually been doing. I've listed my gripes so far, but here's where it gets really good.
In the beginning of my post I mentioned that my mind hadn't been the same for some reason. Then in my last post I mentioned how I haven't been doing so great. Well, here it is.
My best friend, deserves a medal. He has listened to everything I've ever had to say. Except for this week, I have been filled with paranoia and anxiety. I have been so afraid of everything, other people, my friends, my family, myself, speaking, not speaking, my doctor, my work....I have just lost it. Over the last several months I have slightly separated myself from most of my friends because I've been too fried to maintain more than one or two conversations at one time. I haven't had the energy to invite friends over and have get togethers, I just have really cut myself off.
But my best friend, he's been right there. He hasn't let me shut out from him, he won't leave me alone to my own devices.
He's been my secret keeper, I told him about the car accident and my parents, plus some other drama that's been going on with some of my other friends that has gotten to me.
Recently we went on a trip to the beach, my parents, my best friend, my sister and her friend. I was left in the dust a few times because I wasn't feeling well. But my friend made sure I was taken care of before it was all said and done.
One night, I had an adrenal attack. I was talking to my friend about something that was bugging me, commonstay now because of the paranoia, next thing I knew it was a dozen things. Then I reached full exhaustion and I couldn't speak anymore...I just curled up in the sheets. I was shaking and tears were coming out of my eyes, my friend is a great listener, he speaks when there's something to be said. In this moment I think he knew there wasn't anything anyone could say to change what was happening to me. He did what I needed but was just too embarresed to say, he got in the bed right behind me and held me tightly. He said some things that I can't remember, but I do remember him saying he wouldn't abandon me like other friends of mine had on the days I wasn't well. I was in very, very bad shape that night. I stayed right in his arms until he fell asleep, by then I had calmed myself and I needed some space, he needed to sleep. I'm a big job these days, he needs to rest. Imagine that, two teenage guys...one holding the other like the world was going to end, the other crying and just loosing everything.
Sounds like a bad movie doesn't it?
Twice more he's had to do something like this.
A week ago I was at his house, just him and I. We watched a movie and he fell asleep on his couch. I finished out the movie...then I didn't want to leave, I was afraid...so I turned on another movie and he kept sleeping.
Finally I knew it was time for me to go home, I had been crying to myself for about two hours and it was getting late. I woke up my friend and before any time passed I was balling to him again. He just pulled me close and listened to me rant. We prayed together, as we often do as of a few months ago. I drove myself home, screaming and crying the whole way home. Just asking God what do I need to do, what's caused this horrible shift in my mind. Why do I feel hopeless every day even though things are going well? Why can't I feel the good things anymore, why is my joy dead? Almost 40 minutes I prayed, screaming, asking God for guidance, thanking him to all the great people I have, asking prayers for others I know that are sufffering, I have never prayed so hard in my life.
I have been better since this occurrence last week. Still not well,
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