When You Lose Your Mind Part 1

I am sorry to be posting yet another depressing post...
I will start off with saying that it's possible I am reaching the end of my mental breakdown, but I'm not there yet.
With that said, here's a snapshot of the last few months of my life.

Back in April or so I could tell my mind was starting to change, memory was getting worse and sometimes I just couldn't feel right(even compared to my normal not "right" feeling). It would come and go, I dismissed it as a usual symptom...brain fog has been with me ainc the beginning and has never actually gone away, just wavered.
Then around that same time period I have a visit to the clinic where I am treated. I go in with a good looking blood report, the doctor and I both think this will be a shorter than previous visit.
Wrong. I get sicker than I've ever been before, by a loong shot. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without bones being broken. During my week long stay I quite eating more than snacks for a few days, lost weight I don't have to loose, blurry vision, you name it. This physical reaction was a shock to myself and the doctor. Except for the increased brain fog, which we had attributed to my diet change to more meat products(possibly causing inflammation and for sure raising uric acid, I was doing better than I had been in years. I was even beginning to exercise, which I hadn't done in 5-6 years, in my mind I had made it through some steep climbs.
Once this trip to the clinic concluded and I returned back home, I slowly recovered. I went back to work and school at about the same rate as usual. But in all honesty, I lost traction from here on out. I was able to get back to exercising for a few weeks then that slowly dwindled away, haven't seen it since.

After the clinic visit I thought I would slowly recover to my entirety, we all thought I would. I was doing a strong treatment protocol, I thought it would just take time....

Next came some major life stress, I've been mentioning this in the last several posts. I haven't totally said everything that's been going on because I haven't felt I needed to share everything just yet. Today I am going to share everything that I can remember, it is long-just a warning.

May, my first car accident. It was latish at night, I had been driving for an hour already...then at a stop sign I gassed instead of braked(paraphrased). It wasn't a bad car accident by any stretch, the police said if I had to have an accident this was the best to have. No one was hurt, just some bumper damage. This event though did put my mind into a shock, I couldn't believe I had done this...something so stupid and easily preventable. I had never been in an accident before, but whatever...everyone was okay. The stress and shock just threw me off, I still haven't told most of my friends about it. I've told a couple, very few people about it. That's all I ever plan on telling because I just don't want anyone else to know I did something so dumb..

Not too long after that, my mom pulls me to the side one day. She tells me something that I've been expecting for a long time, dad wanted to divorce her. My dad has a slightly narcissistic personality, he can be hard to deal with and he's not always the most understanding individual. During this time dad checks out, a little more than he usual does anyway, and guess who gets to take up the slack? Mom and I.
Now here's the catch, I know what you are all thinking, all marriages have issues and the ones who can work it out work it out. But here's what happened, dad wouldn't talk about it. Dad to this day doesn't know he knows that he wants a divorce. Many times my mom was very upset with what he had said to her. Dads a neat freak, so to make him happy mom goes into hard core cleaning mode while he's at work so he can come home to a clean house. You name it she cleaned or organized it, the shelves in the closet in the basement, all the bedrooms..everything she could. Wherever mom couldn't do sometime, I did it. During this time period my sister graduated and we had a grad party at the house for her. So I pressure washed the patio and cleaned anything outside I could, I spent hours and days finding any little thing I could do because during this time my sister was preoccupied and dad was in outer space somewhere.
Since this time, I've had many days doing similar activities. My regular jobs around the house are cutting the grass, washing the cars, doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. Pretty average compared to what most of my friends do. Since the whole change earlier this year, I pressure wash, maintain the pool, I play housekeeper on the days I have enough time(vacuum, windex, whole 9),  I grocery shop, the list goes on. 

Like I said, to this day dad doesn't know that I know any of what's been going on. My sister still doesn't know, moms tried to talk to her but she's not one for dealing with other peoples issues...she just doesn't care to know.

During a family meeting dad did mention that him and mom were having issues but us kids didn't need to worry about it, it's all going to be just fine for us.
During said meeting, I had to say a few things to my dad that weren't so friendly and I didn't enjoy saying. He didn't get that I had long previously been picking up slack for him, so I had to point that out.
Reaching the present time, things are better. There will be no divorce, during none of this time did mom ever want a divorce. Dad is starting to come back into our world. Honestly, I think he's been depressed, I've thought that for probably two years now. I've spoken to some people since this event, they've all agreed.
I just have to say, this 4-5 month long event took a lot out of me. At home I was always burning energy to do something for someone else. Emotionally it's been traumatizing, I'm the intuitive one in the family, not much of anything has been a shock to me. I've suspected something was going on for a long time and I personally think I can see both of my parents personalities than they do for eachother. I've spent many hours with my mom helping her out however I can.
I am very grateful things have gotten better, we still have a ways before mom and I see normal again, but mom and I are functioning better now. During this time I did have to stand up and be mean several times, which of course I hate doing, no one likes being mean. It just shook my thoughts I guess you could say, I had to think differently than before.

Next on the docket-in comes car accident number two. This time not my fault, praise the Lord. Unlike my accident, I wasn't alone this time. I had my two best friends and my sister in the car. It was a very minor accident, he just dented the corner of my bumper. My body already being wonky, this did throw me into shock mode again. We were headed out of town for the afternoon, so after the accident I had another two or three hours of driving to do, can we say stress burnout?? My mind was totally fried when I finally made it back to my couch. Thankfully this ordeal was short lived, my car is fixed and I've long recovered.

Behind curtain number 3! We have school stress. Year two of college, yay!
Most people just apply to college...get accepted then attend class. Well, that's just too easy for me. Last year I did college online so I could continue to go to the clinic and recover. I didn't care for it so much, so this year I transferred to a local school. Boy was that harder than I was expecting.
First I had to fight with the online school for my transcripts, then I had to get letters of recommendation to get into the new school, I had to call the school and email to find out what requirements I needed to fulfil and how to even sign up for class..
All my summer this took...I wasn't accepted to the school at first because I had a low SAT, well I had to write them a letter about that. When I took the SAT, I was full blown chronic Lyme, in the trenches. I had one shot at the SAT, no it didn't go well. However my saving grace was that my high school transcripts my GPA was just barely short of 4.0, so they knew I wasn't an idiot. I spoke to whoever I needed to and I jumped the hoops, I was accepted about three weeks ago. My classes started last week. I was able to sign up to my classes finally, two days before they started...
This was what really drug me to the floor over the summer. Now school has started, I am into doing homework and waking up early for class, then going on to work. I never thought work would be so relaxing.
Skipping over the problems at work, nothing to do with me but some close co workers have had some major life issues as well...
I will move on to how I've actually been doing. I've listed my gripes so far, but here's where it gets really good.

In the beginning of my post I mentioned that my mind hadn't been the same for some reason. Then in my last post I mentioned how I haven't been doing so great. Well, here it is.
My best friend, deserves a medal. He has listened to everything I've ever had to say. Except for this week, I have been filled with paranoia and anxiety. I have been so afraid of everything, other people, my friends, my family, myself, speaking, not speaking, my doctor, my work....I have just lost it. Over the last several months I have slightly separated myself from most of my friends because I've been too fried to maintain more than one or two conversations at one time. I haven't had the energy to invite friends over and have get togethers, I just have really cut myself off.
But my best friend, he's been right there. He hasn't let me shut out from him, he won't leave me alone to my own devices.
He's been my secret keeper, I told him about the car accident and my parents, plus some other drama that's been going on with some of my other friends that has gotten to me.
Recently we went on a trip to the beach, my parents, my best friend, my sister and her friend. I was left in the dust a few times because I wasn't feeling well. But my friend made sure I was taken care of before it was all said and done.
One night, I had an adrenal attack. I was talking to my friend about something that was bugging me, commonstay now because of the paranoia, next thing I knew it was a dozen things. Then I reached full exhaustion and I couldn't speak anymore...I just curled up in the sheets. I was shaking and tears were coming out of my eyes, my friend is a great listener, he speaks when there's something to be said. In this moment I think he knew there wasn't anything anyone could say to change what was happening to me. He did what I needed but was just too embarresed to say, he got in the bed right behind me and held me tightly. He said some things that I can't remember, but I do remember him saying he wouldn't abandon me like other friends of mine had on the days I wasn't well. I was in very, very bad shape that night. I stayed right in his arms until he fell asleep, by then I had calmed myself and I needed some space, he needed to sleep. I'm a big job these days, he needs to rest. Imagine that, two teenage guys...one holding the other like the world was going to end, the other crying and just loosing everything.
Sounds like a bad movie doesn't it?
Twice more he's had to do something like this.

A week ago I was at his house, just him and I. We watched a movie and he fell asleep on his couch. I finished out the movie...then I didn't want to leave, I was afraid...so I turned on another movie and he kept sleeping.
Finally I knew it was time for me to go home, I had been crying to myself for about two hours and it was getting late. I woke up my friend and before any time passed I was balling to him again. He just pulled me close and listened to me rant. We prayed together, as we often do as of a few months ago. I drove myself home, screaming and crying the whole way home. Just asking God what do I need to do, what's caused this horrible shift in my mind. Why do I feel hopeless every day even though things are going well? Why can't I feel the good things anymore, why is my joy dead? Almost 40 minutes I prayed, screaming, asking God for guidance, thanking him to all the great people I have, asking prayers for others I know that are sufffering, I have never prayed so hard in my life.
I have been better since this occurrence last week. Still not well,