Teaching Class

This Week

I helped teach my abnormal psychology class. It was a ton of fun! I had no idea that I would be teaching a portion of the class! So heres the story.

Yesterday morning in class, the teacher wasnt feeling so great. She said "okay, who actually wants to listen to me talk about this powerpoint today? Its not that interesting." Which is highly unusual. So she spent a few minutes talking with all of us and then one guy said "ill teach from the powerpoint". She handed him the projector remote and off he went, using the teachers powerpoint! He spoke for a few minutes, then another girl wanted to jump in so the two of them switched.

5-10 minutes later she asked the class if anyone wanted to take her place, I raised my hand. Next thing I knew I was talking in front of a classroom!

After 5-10 I asked the class who wanted to jump in next? No one raised their hand. The two people before me said "you're doing great this is interesting". I tried a few more times, but before it was all said and done I had taught the class until the very end! I stood in front of a classroom for around an hour going off the teachers power point, talking away! Asking students questions! The teacher had a few videos in the power point for us to watch, so I played those (with a little help from the teacher). At the end of each, I would slide back the video and hold it at a still of the main character from the video and ask the class "okay what'd you notice", which is exactly what our teacher asks when shes teaching. And for the most part the regular talking students played along and made their commentary and pointed out their observations, it was great! (normally our class is very quiet, only a few people are brave enough to speak for some reason)

When I ran out of slides and had no more to say, I asked the students to turn in their attendance notecards and let them know they were free to go.

And then they did it.

I couldnt believe I had just spent my morning teach an upper level psychology class. The class was on ADHD, autism, and Aspergers. 

Because of my work, I have one on one experience with children with all of the above. So I was able to put in my own experience into the class and add to the teachers power point, and I was surprised at how much attention they all payed to me. The teacher is a fantastic teacher, one of my most favorite ever, its easy for her to keep the classes attention (which in any class may not be easy), but I kept them awake LOL

The teacher had a slide labelled "vaccines do not cause autism", I said oh look, we arent going to be talking about this subject in todays class-then I skipped to the next slide.

That is much too complex and deep of a subject to speak on from just one slide. After the class I spoke to the teacher and asked her if she had actually planned any bit of this, and she said nope it was all on the fly and because the first guy offered to teach.

I told her she was brilliant, she was able to sit and watch class while the students taught eachother LOL

I asked her her thoughts on how I did, she told me I did great and she laughed about the vaccine slide. I talked to her briefly on some of the cases ive met where children have gone non verbal after their shots and we both agreed that their are a lot of factors involved.

All in all it was a fun experience, the other two students that taught first, would chime in and help me out and add their thoughts and what they noticed (which was very much appreciated). The first guy at one point went online to find out more information on one of the ladies we watched a video on, who was an adult with Aspergers who was on the X Factor(i think). So he jumped in and informed me and the rest of the class of who this lady was in a bit more detail.'

The second teacher, she would jump in and share some of her experiences during different parts, especially if I asked any questions. She kept the crickets silent for me! I think the three of us made a great team.

Looking Back

Okay so sure, teaching people is cool but WHY is this really all that interesting?

A year ago my anxiety was so bad that I could barely talk to other people, and I almost couldnt talk to strangers at all. Talking to a big group for one would have been out of the picture, for two doing it as a surprise and impromptu without preparation-double anxiety.

PANDAS/strep changed my psychological and social life big time. I stopped connecting with people and I became very anti social, and social anxiety was crippling. You might could even say nightmare inducing. Something big like public speaking would have left me a shaking nervous, stuttering mess last year and the year before. And I probably would have left after class, gotten into my car, and reclined while my body shook and cried until I could drive home. 

But no, I did it without thinking twice and I enjoyed it! For me, this is a big personal victory.

It helped that this was a subject that I have personal experience with. OCD plays a lot into people with Autism spectrum, they tend to have a lot of fixations. Well heck I know what thats like! So it made it easier for me to talk about and put into my own words instead of just reading it off the slide.

Who Am I Now?

Who Am I?
I feel like I do nothing but struggle with my identity these days. Like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have so so many things I would like to do with my life, I want to go on adventures, I want to meet people, I want to take on more projects, I want to take more classes in school, and most of all I would like to rediscover my faith. Its been so long since I have felt or acted like my old self. I often wonder whether I have changed because of growth or changed because Ive been taken over by grief and anger.

I miss writing positive things. I get to miss that a little less today, because today I am going to be positive. Life sucks. People are mean and self centered. I do not think I have found anything that I can actually rely on long term. Car? Breaks eventually. House? Things leak, break, or even get destroyed. Friends? They leave or change, or I change, sometimes moving different directions in life. Family? Oh don't even get me started, next! Church? Again with the people...
Okay Okay im going to be positive now.
I haven't posted at all this month because I have been doing well. If I hadn't become so pessimistic I would even say I am doing great. Fear is what stops me from saying I am doing great. Im going to change that. I am slowly going to get rid of my fears.

I bought a new project car last month. A completely sad and worn out old car. This poor car, its older than I am. It has not been loved well in a long while. Its a pretty blue, 1989 Maserati. I know what you are thinking, Maserati? As in Ferrari's little brother? Those expensive sports cars that are never actually spotted in the wild? Yep, its one of those.
This little car is a 4 seater sedan with just over 72K miles on it. I bought it dead, for a good price. No start, no lights on the dash, completely dead. But me and the sad little blue car have bonded. I know what its like to be the hidden gem in the crowd that just needs some extra attention. This car was one of the fastest cars of the 80's, especially for a 4 door. Its a cute car, I have been giving it my attention. A lot. A whole lot. In fact I think this car has successfully taken over my life.
On my first day of ownership I fiddled the little car back to life. I did something during my switch jiggling that struck a chord in the old thing. It lit up again. Here I was sitting in my driveway, in the driver seat, watching the rain come down. I thought ok, lights came on, lets start it. It took several tries and lots of encouragement and it started up. I put it in gear and we set off on our first journey together. I drove the car down the driveway, around the cull de sac, and back down the driveway. I thought whew! It runs after all! My life working on this car just became easy. Keep in mind this is still day 1 back in August. I was very wrong. I went to start the little blue car up again later, didn't go so well this time. I tried and I tried, I just could not get a start. So under the hood I go...straight to the oil. What I see? milky oil. My little maserati has a blown head gasket. Good news is I bought the car for a deal, so head gasket set was figured into the price.
The car is still parked in the very spot I first parked it in when I found out she wasn't going to start again without major engine surgery.

I have worked extensively on the car. I have put an extreme amount of energy in the car. I managed to make myself proud at how hard Ive worked on this project. My energy has held up for the most part, I am in an energy lull now but its because of some sleep issues going on. I think I have put over 80 hours of labor into the car, possibly more.
I have been successful. I took the engine apart! Never done anything like that before in my life. But I did it! I took it apart, replaced many worn out bits. I have even got it resembled, it'll even start up! The car is still protesting me though, she cranks up ok, but the massive coolant leak spraying under the car dictates that I must turn the key back and pull it out. *sigh*
But Im close. Next time I have a full Saturday to dedicate to this project, I may just get to drive her farther than the mailbox.

Lyme, at one point in my life, would have never let me think about A. Buying a car. B. Buying a broken car. or C. Buying a very broken car that needed a top end engine rebuild. This is part of my success story. I know that without a doubt my body couldn't have done this two years ago. In less than 6 weeks I have disassembled and rebuild the top of the engine, myself. Its hard labor, it requires may brain to work hard and it requires my body to have energy. Things I tend to run low on.
I am proud. I am thankful. I am going forward. Life is becoming real again.

If the car caught fire tomorrow and burnt to a crisp, id be ok. I have more satisfaction in myself than I have had in a long time. This car and I are working on discovering our lives in motion again together.  Actually this car has had more down time than I have, according to carfax it was off the road and unregistered from 2001 to 2014. 13 years off the road, sitting somewhere. Thats a part of the story that I dont know unfortunately.
I know that with enough attention and fine tuning, this car will be a roaring beast again. Today may not be that day but so what? Im not going anywhere and it can't go anywhere, ill get it going. It'll be fast, it'll be strong.

I did not know I could enjoy hard labor so much. Ive always enjoyed working hard with projects but I do not think I have ever undertaken a task that is as physically, mentally, or as financially taxing as I have until recently. I love it, many days I hate it but its only because I become impatient, I am learning to enjoy the ride. Its so important to learn how to spot progress in life. My sister and I were talking today, both of us are doing psychology based majors in college. She was telling me about how  learning delayed gratification young in life can create for a much high chance of success and happiness later in life. I don't doubt that one bit, I would say the things that have brought me the most joy in life are the ones I have had to work and wait for.

I always remind myself that life is a battle worth fighting. Lyme is what taught me to fight. I may not get up and throw punches or roll some heads, but I can work myself through a stressful situation. I can find a solution, I can think creatively and outside of the box. Many people my age can't think outside of the box, they are only followers, not thinkers.
I still on a daily basis still feel like I am fighting with my soul. Tonight I just couldn't sleep, not a chance, none. Wide awake over here. I have a lot of inner turmoil. Anxiety is the name of the game, not sleeping is what rattles my brain. I have a long list of things I would like to do, but I am not really doing them. I am doing the car, yes. But its temporary. Im trying my best to bring up the courage to live on my own. On the days I feel human the thought is easy, the how, when, why, etc-easy. On the days that I have to look past my homework stack and car keys just to take up residence in my bed...not so encouraging for moving out.
I need to move out, I needed to about a year ago. I know it and I feel it. Unfortunately life just has not worked out for me to sow my own oats
Every time I think about how it would have been nice to have moved out, I look back. Looking back over this last year...gotta say, Ive seen so many blessings in being where I am.
One of my teachers from last semester and again this semester, has been one of the greatest encouragements. She has really taught me how to see myself. On the bad days I may not see myself in a good light but now I know how to look. Some days I can see a little more positive than I did before,
This teacher has really just been one of those great lights in my life.
I have had a few people over the last year like that. Not necessarily people in my personal life but teachers at school, people who have become my friends even though I never thought of them that way, people I meet through work. Even if I don't see what Im supposed to be doing with my life right now to bring the most satisfaction further down the road, I know I will be okay. Just because I can't see it today doesn't mean I won't see it tomorrow.
Thinking positive is something I am pushing myself to do more of. Every time im around positive people or I accomplish something that makes me happy I find I feel better. I dont mean an A on a test gives me energy and cures my insomnia. I mean I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Right now my soul feels like it wants to jump out and go for a long, strenuous run. Of course that isn't possible, I just feel claustrophobic in my own body. Like my body is what is holding me back from doing what I want and need in my life. I know the day will come that I am able to utilize my body to its full potential rather than giving it careful attention just to maintain status quo.

Just because that day isn't today, so what?