When You Lose Your Mind Part 1

I am sorry to be posting yet another depressing post...
I will start off with saying that it's possible I am reaching the end of my mental breakdown, but I'm not there yet.
With that said, here's a snapshot of the last few months of my life.

Back in April or so I could tell my mind was starting to change, memory was getting worse and sometimes I just couldn't feel right(even compared to my normal not "right" feeling). It would come and go, I dismissed it as a usual symptom...brain fog has been with me ainc the beginning and has never actually gone away, just wavered.
Then around that same time period I have a visit to the clinic where I am treated. I go in with a good looking blood report, the doctor and I both think this will be a shorter than previous visit.
Wrong. I get sicker than I've ever been before, by a loong shot. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without bones being broken. During my week long stay I quite eating more than snacks for a few days, lost weight I don't have to loose, blurry vision, you name it. This physical reaction was a shock to myself and the doctor. Except for the increased brain fog, which we had attributed to my diet change to more meat products(possibly causing inflammation and for sure raising uric acid, I was doing better than I had been in years. I was even beginning to exercise, which I hadn't done in 5-6 years, in my mind I had made it through some steep climbs.
Once this trip to the clinic concluded and I returned back home, I slowly recovered. I went back to work and school at about the same rate as usual. But in all honesty, I lost traction from here on out. I was able to get back to exercising for a few weeks then that slowly dwindled away, haven't seen it since.

After the clinic visit I thought I would slowly recover to my entirety, we all thought I would. I was doing a strong treatment protocol, I thought it would just take time....

Next came some major life stress, I've been mentioning this in the last several posts. I haven't totally said everything that's been going on because I haven't felt I needed to share everything just yet. Today I am going to share everything that I can remember, it is long-just a warning.

May, my first car accident. It was latish at night, I had been driving for an hour already...then at a stop sign I gassed instead of braked(paraphrased). It wasn't a bad car accident by any stretch, the police said if I had to have an accident this was the best to have. No one was hurt, just some bumper damage. This event though did put my mind into a shock, I couldn't believe I had done this...something so stupid and easily preventable. I had never been in an accident before, but whatever...everyone was okay. The stress and shock just threw me off, I still haven't told most of my friends about it. I've told a couple, very few people about it. That's all I ever plan on telling because I just don't want anyone else to know I did something so dumb..

Not too long after that, my mom pulls me to the side one day. She tells me something that I've been expecting for a long time, dad wanted to divorce her. My dad has a slightly narcissistic personality, he can be hard to deal with and he's not always the most understanding individual. During this time dad checks out, a little more than he usual does anyway, and guess who gets to take up the slack? Mom and I.
Now here's the catch, I know what you are all thinking, all marriages have issues and the ones who can work it out work it out. But here's what happened, dad wouldn't talk about it. Dad to this day doesn't know he knows that he wants a divorce. Many times my mom was very upset with what he had said to her. Dads a neat freak, so to make him happy mom goes into hard core cleaning mode while he's at work so he can come home to a clean house. You name it she cleaned or organized it, the shelves in the closet in the basement, all the bedrooms..everything she could. Wherever mom couldn't do sometime, I did it. During this time period my sister graduated and we had a grad party at the house for her. So I pressure washed the patio and cleaned anything outside I could, I spent hours and days finding any little thing I could do because during this time my sister was preoccupied and dad was in outer space somewhere.
Since this time, I've had many days doing similar activities. My regular jobs around the house are cutting the grass, washing the cars, doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. Pretty average compared to what most of my friends do. Since the whole change earlier this year, I pressure wash, maintain the pool, I play housekeeper on the days I have enough time(vacuum, windex, whole 9),  I grocery shop, the list goes on. 

Like I said, to this day dad doesn't know that I know any of what's been going on. My sister still doesn't know, moms tried to talk to her but she's not one for dealing with other peoples issues...she just doesn't care to know.

During a family meeting dad did mention that him and mom were having issues but us kids didn't need to worry about it, it's all going to be just fine for us.
During said meeting, I had to say a few things to my dad that weren't so friendly and I didn't enjoy saying. He didn't get that I had long previously been picking up slack for him, so I had to point that out.
Reaching the present time, things are better. There will be no divorce, during none of this time did mom ever want a divorce. Dad is starting to come back into our world. Honestly, I think he's been depressed, I've thought that for probably two years now. I've spoken to some people since this event, they've all agreed.
I just have to say, this 4-5 month long event took a lot out of me. At home I was always burning energy to do something for someone else. Emotionally it's been traumatizing, I'm the intuitive one in the family, not much of anything has been a shock to me. I've suspected something was going on for a long time and I personally think I can see both of my parents personalities than they do for eachother. I've spent many hours with my mom helping her out however I can.
I am very grateful things have gotten better, we still have a ways before mom and I see normal again, but mom and I are functioning better now. During this time I did have to stand up and be mean several times, which of course I hate doing, no one likes being mean. It just shook my thoughts I guess you could say, I had to think differently than before.

Next on the docket-in comes car accident number two. This time not my fault, praise the Lord. Unlike my accident, I wasn't alone this time. I had my two best friends and my sister in the car. It was a very minor accident, he just dented the corner of my bumper. My body already being wonky, this did throw me into shock mode again. We were headed out of town for the afternoon, so after the accident I had another two or three hours of driving to do, can we say stress burnout?? My mind was totally fried when I finally made it back to my couch. Thankfully this ordeal was short lived, my car is fixed and I've long recovered.

Behind curtain number 3! We have school stress. Year two of college, yay!
Most people just apply to college...get accepted then attend class. Well, that's just too easy for me. Last year I did college online so I could continue to go to the clinic and recover. I didn't care for it so much, so this year I transferred to a local school. Boy was that harder than I was expecting.
First I had to fight with the online school for my transcripts, then I had to get letters of recommendation to get into the new school, I had to call the school and email to find out what requirements I needed to fulfil and how to even sign up for class..
All my summer this took...I wasn't accepted to the school at first because I had a low SAT, well I had to write them a letter about that. When I took the SAT, I was full blown chronic Lyme, in the trenches. I had one shot at the SAT, no it didn't go well. However my saving grace was that my high school transcripts my GPA was just barely short of 4.0, so they knew I wasn't an idiot. I spoke to whoever I needed to and I jumped the hoops, I was accepted about three weeks ago. My classes started last week. I was able to sign up to my classes finally, two days before they started...
This was what really drug me to the floor over the summer. Now school has started, I am into doing homework and waking up early for class, then going on to work. I never thought work would be so relaxing.
Skipping over the problems at work, nothing to do with me but some close co workers have had some major life issues as well...
I will move on to how I've actually been doing. I've listed my gripes so far, but here's where it gets really good.

In the beginning of my post I mentioned that my mind hadn't been the same for some reason. Then in my last post I mentioned how I haven't been doing so great. Well, here it is.
My best friend, deserves a medal. He has listened to everything I've ever had to say. Except for this week, I have been filled with paranoia and anxiety. I have been so afraid of everything, other people, my friends, my family, myself, speaking, not speaking, my doctor, my work....I have just lost it. Over the last several months I have slightly separated myself from most of my friends because I've been too fried to maintain more than one or two conversations at one time. I haven't had the energy to invite friends over and have get togethers, I just have really cut myself off.
But my best friend, he's been right there. He hasn't let me shut out from him, he won't leave me alone to my own devices.
He's been my secret keeper, I told him about the car accident and my parents, plus some other drama that's been going on with some of my other friends that has gotten to me.
Recently we went on a trip to the beach, my parents, my best friend, my sister and her friend. I was left in the dust a few times because I wasn't feeling well. But my friend made sure I was taken care of before it was all said and done.
One night, I had an adrenal attack. I was talking to my friend about something that was bugging me, commonstay now because of the paranoia, next thing I knew it was a dozen things. Then I reached full exhaustion and I couldn't speak anymore...I just curled up in the sheets. I was shaking and tears were coming out of my eyes, my friend is a great listener, he speaks when there's something to be said. In this moment I think he knew there wasn't anything anyone could say to change what was happening to me. He did what I needed but was just too embarresed to say, he got in the bed right behind me and held me tightly. He said some things that I can't remember, but I do remember him saying he wouldn't abandon me like other friends of mine had on the days I wasn't well. I was in very, very bad shape that night. I stayed right in his arms until he fell asleep, by then I had calmed myself and I needed some space, he needed to sleep. I'm a big job these days, he needs to rest. Imagine that, two teenage guys...one holding the other like the world was going to end, the other crying and just loosing everything.
Sounds like a bad movie doesn't it?
Twice more he's had to do something like this.

A week ago I was at his house, just him and I. We watched a movie and he fell asleep on his couch. I finished out the movie...then I didn't want to leave, I was afraid...so I turned on another movie and he kept sleeping.
Finally I knew it was time for me to go home, I had been crying to myself for about two hours and it was getting late. I woke up my friend and before any time passed I was balling to him again. He just pulled me close and listened to me rant. We prayed together, as we often do as of a few months ago. I drove myself home, screaming and crying the whole way home. Just asking God what do I need to do, what's caused this horrible shift in my mind. Why do I feel hopeless every day even though things are going well? Why can't I feel the good things anymore, why is my joy dead? Almost 40 minutes I prayed, screaming, asking God for guidance, thanking him to all the great people I have, asking prayers for others I know that are sufffering, I have never prayed so hard in my life.
I have been better since this occurrence last week. Still not well,

Hurting and Holding

Sorry guys I am posting less and less..I'm just not doing well right now.

I have been going through a crazy amount of stress recently, y'all wouldn't believe it if I told you. I was in a car accident, not bad at all just a minor fender bender. But, it certainly added to all the stress I just can't seek to shake. I keep trying to find new ways to distract myself and recover...sometimes I'm just trying to save myself-from myself. I'm not going to lie, I've been hurting a lot as of late. Emotionally  I have discovered a low point I thought I was long, long past... new things have come up to set me off. People have hurt me, and I just can't find a recovery point. I still don't feel like I have entirely recovered from my last visit to Kansas. Before this last visit to the clinic I was holding fairly steady, not perfect by any stretch but I was capable of being complacent. I can't find my complacency anymore, it's gone.

I have come back around to being worn out all the time. I thought I had past that in my progress. I had been doing so well. All too often I just stay stuck between never wanting to leave my bed or trying to find the quickest exit to the outside world. My emotions are so screwed up right now, it can hurt to talk to other people because I don't know how to take some things. I panic over what people say and talk about. My brain is to scrambled for conversation, I spend more time staring off into space when I'm around others. I don't talk like I used to. I feel my personality slipping away, and I'm scared.

I have a couple friends I've been talking to who have been great, sometimes I just vent even when I have no idea what I'm thinking or saying. I just miss the progress I had made, I'm sure it will come back and it's not lost. I can't undue the stress however...

I'll be back in Kansas soon, I hope that my doctor will have some insight for me.

June Update 2017

Hello all, sorry for lack of update.
The last 6 weeks or so have been crazy busy...good things and bad things. I've had several emotional breakdowns (behind closed doors), a panic attack, depression on and off, and some severe fatigue that I thought I had passed through already...
I've also had several great days full of stanina. The last two weeks at work we have been doing a remodel, which means for the last two weeks I've been moving furniture, laying flooring, painting, piecing together new furniture, and keeping up with a few of my regular work tasks... I've been working 8-10 hrs a day 5 days a week, much more than I normally work. I've loved bein so useful and working so hard, but my gosh it's taken a toll. The remodel has finished so life is about to (sorta) slow down again.
In my personal life I have had several events happen over the last month or two...two things of which a fairly big deal. I'm not in any trouble or anything bad, but I have some friends and family who are going through some major life clutter right now that has been dragging me down. One thing that I have gathered since becoming sick with Lyme disease is that I can't just leave someone I love hanging...I feel like I have been left in the wind way too many times in my life, it tugs at too many heart strings to see someone struggling.
I have had to check myself a few times and say today I am done...I have given all I have to give. It's worn me down so strongly on some days, I just stay up texting one of my close friends venting to him about everything. Even then I've had to watch it because he's not living a bed of roses either, but he's been there whenever I've needed him.
I can honestly say I do have a good support system as far as friends are concerned.

In a month I go back to see my doctor at the clinic. Last trip to Kansas was very rough, traveling to Kansas was a hassle because flights were booked. We ended up driving through a tornado in Oklahoma to make it to Wichita. But we made it. Then after a few days of treatment I was sicker than I have been in my entire life..I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without a bone broken. I don't think I have 100% recovered since then to tell the truth....before I went to the clinic last time I was having plenty of great days and I was holding steady. After the last trip though my heath has been all over the place but never up to what it should be.
I have already completed a hormone test called the DUTCH test, I'm interested to see what the results turn out to be. I will also be doing a thyroid panel plus the standard blood work in the next few weeks. If anything this next visit will give me a strong snapshot of what my body is doing and what needs to be corrected.

Because of all of my emotional scrambleness, today I started take lithium aspartate 5mg. Even without the life clutter my emotions and brain were more erratic than normal. Lithium is good for mood regulation and possibly even brain fog, supposedly...so we shall see.
Years ago I took lithium, I had a hair mineral test to check my minerals and toxicities, I no detectable lithium in my system. So I took lithium for a few months, I had fewer terror thoughts while I was taking it, every so often something bad comes to mind out of no where that's just terrifying. Like, what if this car runs through the intersection straight into my car or what if something tragic happens to someone I am close to. Lithium decreases that significantly, I'm hoping for that to happen again.

Overall I am not doing too bad I guess...but the last few months haven't been as good as previous

Lyme Awareness 2017

Okay I'll be honest, I've always been alone in my Lyme Awareness fight..I mean I had a few people I would tell to wear green and to raise awareness but I never made much progress. This year however, wow is all I can say.
One of my best friends managed to make a Lime Green Day at the home school group I graduated from. I had several friends all wearing green just for me that day, and many more wearing green just to support the cause. I helped my friend make posters about what Lyme disease is, how it's contracted, famous people who have it, what it does to the body, and why is such a big deal. I went to the school that day and worked the snack table(which I occasionally do because it's only a few minutes from work), people were actually reading the posters! I mean groups weren't gathered around I awe or anything wild like that. But people were taking notice. One friend printed off an article online and passed it out to people from the snack table. This is an article I wish everyone could see. It certainly turned some heads, but I didn't get to watch to many people read it. Most openwws it and read the title and kept walking down the hall away from where I was sitting. But we certainly got some information out and people took notice of what we were saying. All of my family members came wearing green that day, my mom even had her nails painted bright green! I don't remember them ever doing anything like this before. But my friends have gotten the ball rolling better than j have.

On another day, May 1st actually so the beginning of Lyme awareness month, I was met some of my friends at a school gathering. The same friend I just mentioned and my other best friend were wearing green for me. They both took pictures with me and I posted them for people to see, I even sent them to my grandparents just to show them what great friends I have. My best girl friend and my best guy friend came to see me wearing green just for me. Both of these friends know about what all I've been through in fair detail. My guy friend probably knows the most out of anyone, I share anything and everything with him. I share almost as much with my girl-friend as I do my guy friend, but she's gets upset and the both of us being upset when something is going on just doesn't work LOL.
I can honestly say this too, I forgot to purposely wear green May 1st. I just happened to wear a green shirt that day. So my friends had this all planned out, and I was lost in space to it! My girl-Friend actually had to meet me at work to get a picture with me, I had to leave the gathering to get back to work before I could get a picture. But she did it, she went out of her way to get a picture to post on social media about Lyme awerensss.

I wish everyone could have as great friends as I have. These two people keep me sane. My guy friend texted me a picture of his sister wearing bright green today, he said she's wearing green today just for me. Again I was just so shocked at how much they have reached out to me.


Later on this month I plan on having a group come over to watch Under Our Skin. I've told my friends about it and they all seem interested. I just need to make the time to make it happen. It's free on amazon instant video so I don't even have an excuse not to share it!

And lastly I've been wearing my Lyme Awareness shirts every chance possible. I ordered my two friends shirts that say "I wear green for my friend who fights Lyme"  and they came in today. I hope to see them soon so they can wear them. So now all three of us can be wearing green and they'll be supporting me raising awareness.

Recovery Post

Hello all!
Today I am have a little more energy than yesterday. I spent most of it outside doing yard work, I guess that's a good sign. I still have a cough that's hanging on... I'll kick it soon enough. I'll just keep on with my supplements and peppermint oil.

Today I had the chance to checkout the blogs I follow and catch up on what I've been missing. Even after being so sick last week, I am still incredibly grateful for the progress I've made this last year. Everyone I follow is still sick, all of them. I would be willing to say it's possible I'll be back to normal and healthy before the year is over. Maybe not, but I think I'll be close. My progress has been great, I've been able to go to work and go into college. My bizarre sleeping patterns have improved. I have no bad things to really report.
Lyme patients don't get to say that often do we???


Regaining strength in my arms and back is what may take a while. Rebuilding endurance I know will take a while. But now, I have the energy to do some exercise. I went to Walmart and bought myself two 10lb weights and I've been playing around with them about everyday. I started this a month or so ago, I've made some progress. I don't know if it's good progress but either way I'm moving in the right direction. That's what counts. I'll get to where I need eventually.

I've had so many chances to look back and see all the things I've missed. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I had never lost my brain and everything under it. At one point in time I had a crazy photographic memory and I was a 100% A+ student. Those days are long past, I don't know if my memory and reasoning will go back to how it used to be. But I'll be okay. I look back and see how much I have learned. I have spoken to so many people and they've shared their stories with me. I would have never known about the Lyme community if I had never gotten sick. So many people live in a state of chronic illness, and give up. The person I first learned about Lyme disease from is still sick. I don't think she's even seen a doctor in a few years. She's decided there's no cure so no reason to bother getting better.
It is an extremely expensive process, so I can understand not wanting to spend money on treatment that's going to be a gamble. No doctor has 100% success rate. People have failed with my doctor, but I feel my doctor is the one who was meant to heal me. I wouldn't want to go to anyone else. Not everyone is not so fortunate though...I wish life was that easy.

There's a strong emotional connection to being sick. My doctor always checks to see what's clogging up my system. Occasionally emotional issues show up and he will use a Bach remedy or an essential oil to clear it, that's all I've ever needed. Many people I have met however have severe emotional trauma, they are the ones who don't do so well with treatment. Their traumas just hold them stuck where they are. I am so thankful to God that I haven't had too many emotional hang ups. I do get depressed frequently and I do wish some things could be different...I wish I could do more normal things that other teenage guys do. But whatever, I've made it this far. I've had many many good memories throughout my teenage years so nothing has been a waste.

This last year I have even made a new best friend, I have even shared some of my personal traumas with him. I still have never told anyone I know about this blog, maybe one day.

The Break down

This time I'm just going to do a simple breakdown of my treatment days at Hansa. In my last post I told about my first day.
Day two- I started out with a sore throat. He gave me this cream called plantain beeswax to use for it, i have never heard of it...but it worked well. He also gave me a hormone remedy that he created.
Day three-I felt extremely flu like, everything from here on out was a blur. He gave me a remedy to restrengthen all of my organ systems made from Chinese medicine. After that I slowly started regaining strength after that.
Day 4- added back in a heavy metal detox called Chelex which I have taken before. He also added in an herbal anti inflammatory used for Lupus. Plus some homeopathic remedies he created. I wish I could remember every little thing he did last week.
Day 5- all he added in was bamboo charcoal to help pull toxins from my gut.

Therapies-sauna, massage, ST8, LUX, and Beamer 2X daily. The other therapies like Q laser that I've  used in the past weren't needed this time.

After all was said and done, he told me a juice fast would be beneficial to detox my system, even a short one. He worked on my hormones, my brain, thyroid, autoimmunity, and my gut. I can honestly say a week later, my gut has been well cleaned out...
I lost 7 pounds that I did not have to lose during my no eating last week...I have begun to gain it back though. I need to weigh 150lbs, I went down to 131, I'm usually 138....
Today I started back with my floor exercises, I finally could muster up the energy again. It's taken a long time to recover from this last Hansa visit. I have just had a hard time getting my energy and motivation back...but it's slowly coming

Hansa visit last week

Last week I had my first visit to the clinic for the year! My blood work and CRT results were promising. Vitamin D-Good, kidneys, liver, gallbladder, lungs, spleen, adrenals-good. Cholesterol is still low. Urid acid was high, according to the doc this is a marker of high inflammation.

This time around we working on my gut, hormones, and some thyroid.

I had a minor situation this past week that I am still working through. The doctor started me on a few things Monday for my gut. He said I looked good enough I could probably be done with just three days of treatment. Well come Wednesday, day number 3, I was dead sick. I could hardly walk, high fever, shaking, nausea, dizziness, headache, sore throat, like the flu.

One of my supplements he had me taking seemed to be a little too much, and that appears to have been the cause of my sudden illness. He had me cut down on the dose and he gave me something to strengthen my system back up. It's now a week later and I'm almost fully recovered.
I'll do a full update on last week later on, just wanted to let you guys know I did go to the clinic and I did make it back. I have just been sick...