Thinking

Im Not Sure Where To Start
Hey you guys, been a month now and im trying not to go too long without longing life here on the blog.
This school semester is killing me, psych and sociology are going awesome, chemistry and pre calc are knocking me out. Me and numbers and memorizing and focusing....not so great! I love psychology, I think I have the best teacher in the world, I really do. Today after class I spent almost half an hour talking to her about my experiences in the clinic I work in, compared to what I had seen in today lecture. Today we talked about alcoholism and alcohol use (earlier this week was drugs and controlled substances), so I talked about how we see so many people who use food or drugs as their way to cope with life and most of that is because its socially acceptable to eat a lot for comfort.

We also talked about how many clients will lie to your face "oh no, im not doing that anymore" then follow up and say "except for... four times yesterday, then today for breakfast, plus when I was on the way here". I asked my teacher, "so when will we cover the stats on how many clients will never even try to get better or how they will just get more creative at hiding from their problem" and thats how we got onto the subject. It was very enjoyable, she is someone who definitely gets it, who sees life through their own eyes and not someone who hides behind rose glasses (or at least does a good job at appearing that way). That was probably the highlight of my day, could even be my week.

As far as my actual health goes, I dont want to say it and I dont want to claim it, but I have had a bunch of rough days in the last few weeks.
Monday morning I woke up at 5am, after a demonic nightmare (very rare for me. very) and I was wide awake, so I functioned that day on 3 hours of rough sleep. Tuesday was similar, I was up at 5 after a weird dream but managed to fall back to sleep. Then at 6:30am I woke up and that was it, but I did sleep around 7 or so hours this time so it was better than the day before. Tuesday night I was asleep around 11:30pm, and then i slept until 10:30am wednesday. I would call that pretty solid, but still I was worn out. And allll of that leads us up to today, which is still rough and I cant think. My brain and focus checked out.

Emotionally, except for the last couple of weeks where Ive felt worn out, Ive had a LOT of really good days. Days  that I can ride around the car and enjoy my time listening to my music and having fun. No complaints. I have been very grateful for the reminder of what that all actually feels like. Even now, im not feeling great physically or emotionally, but its not so bad compared to a year ago. Its rough and I need to get this figured out sooner rather than later, I know part of it is stress and overworking myself.

I have been getting back in the sauna again, last week I got in for 45-60 minutes 5-6 times. That helped me a lot, but for whatever reason it didnt stick to this week. I got in again today for the first time this week, im praying that tomorrow will be a great day. If I can make it through work and some studying, thats all I ask.
I have been taking more time off work, I took nearly all of today off work to get some homework and rest in.

One personal thing has been weighing on me a ton and Its something I do wish would just go away. But I know better than that, and theres no lessons to be learned if my problems disappear into thin air. The end of October is the anniversary of the death of someone who used to be my best friend, and I was always involved with that with my friend every year. Now, nothing. He doesn't talk to me anymore and won't answer my calls, texts, emails etc. so I know better than to try to send him another message of any sorts. Its just odd, being so close to someone and being a part of special times in their life (though this one is rather tragic, not sure special is really the right word, maybe I should say meaningful instead ?), then just being gone from their life. But, for now, it just is what it is.

This coming week I am going to get some blood work done to checkout whats going on in my body. Its been several months since I have had anything checked out, I may find a cause to why I haven't been feeling so hot.

One Month Count Down

Back to Kansas! Spring Break 2019!

I have officially booked my next visit to see my Kansas doctor. This is the longest breaks in between visits I have ever taken since beginning treatment for Lyme. Some new things will be happening this go round.

For one, I won't be going to the Hansa Center anymore. I am going to miss that place, I thought it was one of the friendliest, warmest environments on earth. But its time for a change, my Dr. along with a few others left the clinic and moved to a new one of their own creation. Why? I don't know. I just know that even good things must come to an end and change doesn't mean for the worst. I am excited to see this new clinic and what sort of environment it has. I know the doctors have been hard at work to make their creation something to brag about and that there will be new therapies involved. 

When I spoke to my doctor on the phone a while back, he told me about some of the new therapies that they will be offering. Some sound similar and some are a new idea to me altogether. I can't wait until I can report back on my progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, the new clinic does not have a completed website. So I can't exactly share too much about the new clinic, but my doctor assured me that they will be offering next level service. Im not too worried, my doctor has gone above and beyond for me from day 1 and whenever I get frustrated he does his best to come up with a solution. 

I haven't seen my doctor since the beginning of August, that'll be seven months in between doctor visits!!

Granted I had other things going on to support my system in the meantime. Like the clinic I visited in December, I'm sure that offered some benefit, though it was focused more so on brain than anything else. Plus the hyperbaric oxygen this month, but except for herbs and stuff I have put myself on I have stayed on the same protocol since August. Ive held rather steady at that. Some days I do feel miserable and I do hate the world, last week had a handful of those days. Other days I have some nice conversations with people and it all seems worth it. I try to keep my outlook positive. Not everyone gets to overcome Lyme Disease, some people dont even get to live with it. I have, through a lot of effort and tears and screaming and reading, have made it eight years. I want to be one of the ones to get rid of the disease altogether and never let my body feel this type of sick again. I plan on leaving my fragile and finicky constitution behind and rebuilding it for good. 

Last week I was talking to a friend of mine who I see about every week or two, she's had lyme and fibromyalgia for a few decades now. Her and I were talking about how we feel bad for the people who aren't able to seek any treatment or who dont know whats wrong with them, then end up killing themselves out of desperation to reach freedom from the misery. We agreed that it would be nice if we could just sit up and walk right out of our body, leaving it behind. I said it would be nice if I could sell my body, then buy a new one like you would do to an old car. She advised me not to tell to many people that I think its a good idea to sell my body LOL. Turns out that one sounded better in my head than out in the real world.

But there are some nights, the usual sleepless ones where my thoughts go round and round like a broken carousel, where I do think-what if I could just leave my body. Im very grateful for the body and life ive been given, but sometimes I dont really feel like im living in my own body. Its more like sharing an apartment with a few people, each one with a different mood. Too Tired to Care is my favorite roommate, Angry for No Reason is the one I try to avoid. On the good days when I feel happy and energetic-I feel totally different. It feels like my body is my own and I can do with it what I want. I dont feel so invaded or like im sharing my body with whatever deck of cards I was dealt that day.

This last week I started something new. I, of all people, got a gym membership for the first time in my life. I can't remember the last time I seriously thought I could start exercising, even if its just walking on the treadmill. Before the strep two years ago I was beginning to exercise again, but the strep knocked that one out for me and took my brain and my personality with it. God willing, maybe we are finally starting to get closer to the end of that. 

Its been a while since I've cried without provocation. I do still get set off easily and fall into depression, but it really only lasts a day or two then turns into frustration instead (or fades away altogether). It used to take days to get out of a dark place, or weeks. Maybe my next visit to the clinic will help launch my personality back into my head and out of the ditch its been sitting in. My joints haven't been in terrible pain either. My muscles do have their days, but overall minimal complaints, same with dizziness. Fatigue can still be a battle but I suspect that before long we will be able to get this turned around again. 

So really, fatigue, emotions, and insomnia are what are really holding me back. I think if I could sleep, my fatigue would dissipate. Maybe even disappear altogether. My emotions may be less finicky too. 

I am about to try a new sleep medicine, I am hoping that it will work. Its been a while since Ive tried a new drug for sleeping. Ill update on that when something comes of it. 

I haven't been back to counseling in a few months. I got tired of telling some man about my personal issues and then being told to draw pictures. I know its good and it does help. Ive even recommended it to other people. Its just not my thing. Sometimes it feels better to think about slapping the person that caused my emotional issue (that day) rather than draw out whatever Im feeling. I mean I dont ever slap anyone. Just the thought seems a bit more fun LOL

Numbness

What Would the Dr.Order?

One of the things I was hoping to accomplish with the psychiatrist I began seeing in December was getting out of depression. I know its not necessarily a fast process and I'm not done yet, but I was hoping I would notice a change on their protocol. I still feel numb all of the time, unless I'm upset. I can still feel sympathy and feel upset or grief, but I never feel like myself. Lately I haven't really felt like talking to anyone. Some of my friends I have just kinda blown of altogether. I don't feel like myself and its so frustrating.
Ive talked to Dr.psychiatrist about this. Her biggest concern is my irregular sleep patterns. Which I do agree, need to be fixed and they are causing issues of their own and probably making this depression or whatever it is worse. But Ive had sleep issues for over a decade, I almost don't even care anymore. I mean I do care, I would love to sleep and relax at night. But so far I've failed several sleep drugs and a dozen or so sleep supplements. Im not sure what magic results she thinks she's going to get. She talked to me about Belsomra, which my insurance denied. I said I might would try a sleep drug if it was different from what Ive already tried, but Belsomra being $500, not happening. Especially considering it has a strong possibility of being useless and ending up in the trash.
She's holding out on the HBOT as being a big deal and potentially solving a bunch of issues. Its made a difference, so I'm holding out that she's right.
I had a bit higher hopes that this brain specialist would be able to help a little more than it all has. Im not done yet, but I was expecting a bit more benefit to the cost$

I have had some stresses lately. A friend of mine (unsuccessfully) attempted suicide the night of the superbowl. I stayed on the phone with her during the matter trying to bring her down, I dont know if she even remembers it now. But it took a toll on me that night and the next day. I feel for her, I know what its like to be miserable. But...she would rather take her stress out on others than actually resolve the situation. And I can be one of the people she takes her issues out on...

Januar 26 was my 8 year anniversary of getting sick. That weighed on me a little bit but in truth I dont know what to feel, so I just didnt. Last year I was extremely emotional on the 7 year anniversary. I remember crying for at least a week or more, before and after the day. I just flat out could not believe that I was still sic, even with treatment, and still feeling like death. I think I feel better this year than last year, a lot of it is a blur so I dont really remember. I was doing the best year before last. I thought I was almost out of it.
Can I repeat that year??
What magic was I doing then?? I want to do it again.

Some days I do very well and I can pretend that theirs nothing wrong with me. Other days, I leave school, get in my car, and have to stay there a bit before driving. Some days I wake up and I feel like I have the world in my hand, others I don't even want to get out of bed.

I decided to add in Collagen powder to my daily supplement routine, helping address any leaky gut issues. Ive done a lot for leaky gut over the years but...thought this may have some benefit. Im also taking some lyme and parasitic specific supplements right now and I have for a few weeks. In the past I have felt worse when treating parasites, so maybe this is doing something? Walking blindly right now....

June Update 2017

Hello all, sorry for lack of update.
The last 6 weeks or so have been crazy busy...good things and bad things. I've had several emotional breakdowns (behind closed doors), a panic attack, depression on and off, and some severe fatigue that I thought I had passed through already...
I've also had several great days full of stanina. The last two weeks at work we have been doing a remodel, which means for the last two weeks I've been moving furniture, laying flooring, painting, piecing together new furniture, and keeping up with a few of my regular work tasks... I've been working 8-10 hrs a day 5 days a week, much more than I normally work. I've loved bein so useful and working so hard, but my gosh it's taken a toll. The remodel has finished so life is about to (sorta) slow down again.
In my personal life I have had several events happen over the last month or two...two things of which a fairly big deal. I'm not in any trouble or anything bad, but I have some friends and family who are going through some major life clutter right now that has been dragging me down. One thing that I have gathered since becoming sick with Lyme disease is that I can't just leave someone I love hanging...I feel like I have been left in the wind way too many times in my life, it tugs at too many heart strings to see someone struggling.
I have had to check myself a few times and say today I am done...I have given all I have to give. It's worn me down so strongly on some days, I just stay up texting one of my close friends venting to him about everything. Even then I've had to watch it because he's not living a bed of roses either, but he's been there whenever I've needed him.
I can honestly say I do have a good support system as far as friends are concerned.

In a month I go back to see my doctor at the clinic. Last trip to Kansas was very rough, traveling to Kansas was a hassle because flights were booked. We ended up driving through a tornado in Oklahoma to make it to Wichita. But we made it. Then after a few days of treatment I was sicker than I have been in my entire life..I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without a bone broken. I don't think I have 100% recovered since then to tell the truth....before I went to the clinic last time I was having plenty of great days and I was holding steady. After the last trip though my heath has been all over the place but never up to what it should be.
I have already completed a hormone test called the DUTCH test, I'm interested to see what the results turn out to be. I will also be doing a thyroid panel plus the standard blood work in the next few weeks. If anything this next visit will give me a strong snapshot of what my body is doing and what needs to be corrected.

Because of all of my emotional scrambleness, today I started take lithium aspartate 5mg. Even without the life clutter my emotions and brain were more erratic than normal. Lithium is good for mood regulation and possibly even brain fog, supposedly...so we shall see.
Years ago I took lithium, I had a hair mineral test to check my minerals and toxicities, I no detectable lithium in my system. So I took lithium for a few months, I had fewer terror thoughts while I was taking it, every so often something bad comes to mind out of no where that's just terrifying. Like, what if this car runs through the intersection straight into my car or what if something tragic happens to someone I am close to. Lithium decreases that significantly, I'm hoping for that to happen again.

Overall I am not doing too bad I guess...but the last few months haven't been as good as previous