Its Fall

 Hello my little corner of the internet! Long time no speak, i'm still alive I promise!

I am nearing the end of my third quarter of chiropractic school! Next month I will be three quarters down, eleven more to go! 

In school I have joined the Applied Kinesiology club (AK) and have begun going to seminars to learn the subject the best I can. For those familar with AK and my story, AK played a significant roll in my healing journey. AK and CPK are two subjects my lyme doc is well versed in, and I personally one day would like to also master the subject. I still have a ways to go, like with anything the further into a subject I go, the more I realize there is too know. All in all school has been great but it is a full time schedule. Seminars on some weekends, 7a, classes 3x a week, 32.5 credit hours. Not much down time! Plus I am still making it to the gym, my current goal is 3x a week. I usually save it for the last activity of the day before dinner. 

As far as my health and lyme and PANDAS are all concerned, I am still doing well. I have moments where my fatigue slows me down, or I struggle to get a decent nights sleep. A couple months back I found a local place where I can get IV C again, I did my 3rd yesterday. Each visit I have gone up in dose, my first was 10grams, then 25grams, then yesterday was 50grams. The first two really brought my energy back up and lasted. I felt great! The 50g yesterday may have been a big jump, today I have been worn out but granted there are many reasons for this to be possible. 

I have noticed, comparing myself to other students, that I am not always to keep up with others as far as how quickly I learn. Some students here I would describe as being truly brilliant, not that anyone here would be described as "dumb" but some people can pickup new things very quickly. I am nothing but impressed, I just have to remind myself that I have a different learning style than other people. I am also far from the only one who has to put in real effort to learn new things.

One thing I learned about the chiropractic field, a lot of people do not choose chiropractic as their first career choice. A lot of students ended up here for other reasons besides " I just knew I wanted to be a chiropractor". To clarify, I do not think there is anything wrong with this, its just an observation. I have known for years what direction I wanted to go in with my life. 

My roommate for example wanted to be a dentist first, another friend of mine was in veterinarian school and decided she didn't like the field as much as she thought, another guy decided he needed to go back to school and this was a good place to go. Everyone has a different reason to be here, but I did find it odd a whole lot of students never even went to the chiropractor before becoming a student here. Not once. 

I have a lot of thoughts on this haha, but for now I will keep them to myself. I think in part some people thought it would be an easy way to get the doctor title added to their name, or bone popping sounds like fun, I don't know. I do know, there are a lot more benefits and meaning behind chiropractic than I thought there was. 

It is amazing to me, to look back and see the journey that God has placed me on. The pathway that taught me the patience to reach for more information and the caring spirit to want to help others. If I was in this just because I wanted to be a doctor, Im not sure I could do it. I am looking forward to learning all that is available to me and the options I will have for when I reach practice. 

First Decade with Lyme

 Ten Years Today!

On this day, ten years ago was when my life changed and I learned what it meant to be seriously ill. I broke my arm, had lyme in my body (unknowingly) and my health spiraled from there on out.

UNTIL I went to the lyme clinic in Kansas. Today, I feel like I am just as happy and just as able bodied as before I was sick. I feel great, I do all kinds of activities these days. Im still pushing at the gym, even though progress is slow. I go to visit my soon-to-be graduate school this weekend to see where Ill be living for the next four years of my life starting in April. 

I have a lot to look forward too outside of my health these days. Not every lyme patient is given this fortunate of an opportunity to move on with their life. I still take supplements, I take some things for autoimmune and for methylation and sleep. Which may seem like a lot, but considering these items work well enough that one skipped day makes me feel different, I feel like they count for a lot. 

I had a set of labs done in mid December 2020, my ANA was checked (autoimmune factors) plus standard CBC and lipids. I still have no cholesterol, that one stumps my lyme doctor to no end. He's given me stuff for my stomach/gallbladder/liver and changed things over and over and my body refuses to make cholesterol. My ANA is going down, its at the lowest it can be without being negative-which is fantastic. ANA may never test negative again, but as long as I feel well and the markers are rock bottom I do not really have anything to care about. I take two Apex Energetics products, Trizomal Glutathione and Nitric Balance and personally I think those two items are what have pushed my autoimmune down to a safe level. I still have kept on a regular dose on these two items, I have yet to drop down to a maintenance dose.

I run pretty hard, between my mildly questionable sleep schedule, work stress (recently quit my job of 5.5 years-but thats a story for another day), projects, the gym, planning for grad school and having a social life-I don't keep much down time. I enjoy staying busy because I was not able to for so long in my life. BUT with this, comes a price, I have  to take care of my body. I have to take my vitamins, I have to put myself in bed by a decent time in the evening, and I have to limit junk food. I also have to manage stress (people without chronic illness could be doing better in this category too!). If I stay consistent with these items I feel great and life is good. 

Yes I still have occasional days where I am not motivated and I do not want to do anything, but I attribute it to running hard more so than lyme. I do not have aches and pains associated with lyme, dizziness has been gone forever. 

Ten years ago, if someone said I was one day going to be going to chiropractic school to become a doctor because I had struggled with pain and disease for so long I wouldn't have believed it. I wanted to do some sort of sports, I wanted to get a degree in marine biology after high school. Instead I am going an entirely different direction in my life and I love it. 

I look back and this time has gone by so quickly, but I have not forgotten how terrible some of it was. I remember a few years ago how painful my anxiety and OCD was, that time period feels like it lasted forever. I was seriously afraid that would never end, that was a nightmare and nothing more. The early years with lyme, I spent trying to convince my parents and doctors that I had lyme and what having lyme meant. That was a long process in itself, its a complicated disease to explain to someone whose never had this sort of health issue. I am convinced, through my uncountable conversations with others about health, that lyme and co-infections are a category all in their own. Its not like cancer, it can be similar to autoimmune disease but at the same time it can be the cause of autoimmune, its different from thyroid disorders, its not even close to diabetes-just for some examples. 

I have so so much to be grateful for, my teachers, especially my psych teachers in college. They taught me so much on what it means to be able to manage stress and why its important. My whole journey has taught me about being compassionate and caring for others. 

Im glad im going into the next decade feeling like I have a sturdy ground to stand on, and I have God to thank for that more than anything else. 

Fall Update 2020

 Happy October!

Well. I guess its pretty much November at this point, but either way I finally made it back to writing a post. 

In short, life is good! Ive tried to make that my catchphrase, cause now that I am on the other side, I can see that most "problems" aren't really problems. Little things can add up and make for a stressful day, yes, but its important to just move on when the day is over. Write it out, pray on it, keep swimming.

One of my friends has commented towards me several times that I am "fearless", from things that I see as little things that did not stress me out or bother me. I was with this friend recently, in his car, and we got hit by a deer at 10:30pm. I saw it, he didn't. My heart never even raced, I just turned to him and said "we hit a deer". He however, pretty flustered!

I think we all know I am not fearless, go back about a year or two's of posts and my fears are painted all over. But my coping and perspective on the world has expanded, and with my health becoming more "normal" my mind and my body match. I know today's problem, will not be tomorrow's problem.

I have noticed working with others with chronic disease, stress management is something they ignore time and time again. Whereas for me, stress management I think ended up being one of my pieces of treatment. 

Stress is terrible for the immune system. Remember that.

The Gym

I still hit it hard at the gym 4-5 times a week consistently! Just being able to do this still  makes me happy, because I couldn't exercise at all for a long portion of my life. Years. Now I can jump in and try new things. I am getting stronger. Weight gain is slow and mildly plateaued, that is one of my current projects I am working on breaking through. I eat more now than a year ago for sure, which is huge for me! I eat a ton more now than two years ago. While I am grateful, I must say, I still need to eat more. I should be eating 2300 cal a day minimum. I probably eat 1700 a day, maybe less some days. Which is better than the 800-1100 previous, but still gotta keep at it!

I have made enough progress at the gym now that friends notice and people can tell I am working on making my body stronger. Whenever someone says that they can see a difference, I know I am doing what I am supposed to and I am finally making visible, tangible progress on my body that the outside world can see. 

School

One month left and I will have my bachelors in psychology!! I could not be more excited. I made straight A's in my summer courses and received a letter from the school, I forget what they called it, but I made the next rank up above Deans List for the summer semester! I am SOOOOO close to doing that again one last time for my semester now. I think I can pull it off, but I still have some work to do. 

I have applied to grad school, just waiting on some responses! I have strongly considered doing my Masters in psychology as well as my doctorate in chiropractic. The amount of courses is a bit overwhelming to think about, but I think one day I will go through with it and have both degrees. Chiropractic is the first priority.

Life

I would say life is good, I am happy. I have bits of depression here and there but its always temporary. I still use the sauna and I eat healthy. I do morning smoothies with veggies, berries and protein almost every day! I did have a bout of anxiety a few weeks ago which was out of the blue, no particular reason that I know of but it just happened. I made sure I was conscious of my eating and sleeping, it passed on its own without any extra effort. When our bodies are treated right, issues can begin to solve themselves! As someone whose had to take a supplement or three for everything over the last...almost decade, I appreciate my body doing the work for me without the need for one more pill.

It is nice spending my week like a "normal" person, thinking about work, school, which friend or two will I get to spend time with, how much time will I have at the gym. I know I have written in the past about how I hated having to dedicate my life to pill taking, doctors visits, struggling with anxiety and OCD shaping my days. It is nice going to work and otherwise being able to use my time as I wish. 

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a solid friend group that I love and appreciate, work is going alright, I am about to finish my first degree, my body is functioning well! I count my blessings often, cause I know how bad life can be

Higher Purpose

 I Want To Share

What helped me through my journey. In the lyme community as a whole, there is a collective feeling of being trapped. Lyme patients, in my opinion, often do not get their health back 100%. I know I was discouraged along the way by fellow lyme patients. Why? To cope? I do not know. Treatment is expensive no matter what route one takes. Some people cannot get better because they cannot afford the stockpile of meds. I remember being told "you may get better, but lyme will always be there causing problems at least a little bit. You cannot get over it."

I hated being told that, I was told that by someone whose opinion I did value. This person is the one who clued me off as to what lyme was, before them I had never heard of lyme disease (what a time in my life to remember!). They taught me a lot, they pushed me in the direction of reading and research. She told me about Cure Unknown by Pamela Weintraub, I *think* that was the first, if not at least one of the first books I ever opened that covered the topic of what is called Lyme Disease. I jumped in and read further, I read more books, I read some books more than once. I became a young adult who was now informed and well developed in their opinion on tick borne illnesses. Somewhere on here I have written specifically on what books I have read and what I thought about them, truth is, if you are not researching on your own to understand how lyme and its treatment works, you could be setting yourself up for failure. Being a nerd saved me, or so I think!

The mentality that I hope I have shared on my blog over the years, I hope, has conveyed positivity and perseverance. Anyone can chose to quit trying and stop searching for the next answer. Anyone can give up their hope. Anyone can lose their faith in God, that everything happens for a reason. 

It takes a stronger person to take on the fighter mentality of I cannot quit. At some point, during the sucking and the suffering and the absolute terror that chronic disease had caused me I realized-I will only ever have one human body. One. I may not can choose what events happen, such as contracting an illness or injury. But I can and should actively make choices, mindful thought-out choices, on how I am going to treat my body. I choose what I put into it. I choose what I put it through. I make choices on what time I wake up and what time I go to sleep. All of these things can make or break a treatment protocol of any kind.

If you want to continuously have pain, continuously have fatigue, just skip out on sleeping. Even if you are an insomniac-get in bed. Turn the lights off. Put on relaxing music or a video to listen to (not watch. no screen!). Weeks/months/years down the road when the neurological burden is reduced, normalized sleep will return. On a sleepless night this whole no tv or light thing is stupid boring. Yes. But training our brains for the correct sleeping pattern is beneficial because one day, our body will listen.

Diet. Everyones favorite four letter word. I followed the 80/20 rule for the most part. Some times I had to be more strict, other times I broke loose. 80% good, healthy, anti-inflammatory foods. 20% less than ideal dietary choices. Remember, results aren't instant. Waiting to feel results could take more than an extended amount of time.

Finally I would like to add-patience. Pray. Hold on tight. Some people get better, some people don't, its just the nature of the beast-but I believe with proper treatment everyone can make progress. 

Its easy to take a pill or few a couple times a day, it's easy because it does not take a significant amount of thought space to plan out taking the pills as compared to planning healthy meals, planning to be in bed, planning to exercise (then come up with what exercise to do). The more thought space something takes, the less time we really want to dedicate to it, as chronic illness patients, sometimes we have no thought space to spend. It is hard and we all fail somewhere along the way. What counts is the process of making a choices on how to react to our failure. Choosing is the operative word here.

Writing

I write to share my experience because it can be hard to find hope in the world. I believe that we live in a fallen world that is only degrading further. I do not believe that a magic pill is going to pop up to cure chronic lyme disease. I would love to be wrong, it could happen. But do not wait on someone else to solve the problem. 

I have drawn much of my hope from other lyme sufferers and I believe that it is my duty to share my experience for those who are still trapped in the dark ball of feeling like death incarnate. Yolanda Hadid is probably one of my favorite Lyme advocates. Her book, Believe Me, is the greatest illustration of what a person with chronic Lyme struggles with. She details that money was not her answer, she had much more financial resources than 99% of people with chronic disease and she still suffered for over a decade. Her mentality is something that, in my opinion, is unmatched by the average person suffering with a disease. She was not the victim, she did not quit, she did not give up. Perseverance kept her going, her children kept her going, she found the things she needed to make her life what she wanted despite severe physical suffering. That is so hard, it doesn't happen overnight, it takes failure and people as a whole tend to fear failure. Keep going and you will never truly fail. 

I believe that one day I will write a book or do something more involved and formal than write a blogger blog, to out reach to those who are trapped in the cycle of chronic disease. I also believe that today, in August of 2020, I am not at that point in my life. I know that I have more goals I want to reach before I can look back and say-not only did I beat Lyme+autoimmune disease but I achieved what Lyme tried to take from me.

Part of what motivates and drives me is knowing that I still have so many goals I want to achieve. Lyme sure did hit a big pause button on what I wanted to do with my life. I was not an athlete of any kind in school, I was one of the smartest until I could no longer think at all, I certainly was no writer. I want to grow my knowledge in psychology and work on being motivational for those who want to give away their hope, I do not think that there can ever be enough motivation. I want to build my body up, I want to feel physically strong, I have never really felt that (and if I ever did, I can't remember that time anymore). 

I feel that these are solid goals to work towards now that I do not chronically suffer from disease. 

I want to share these two videos with you all. I re-watched them this evening for the first time in ages. I was anything but disappointed!

Yolanda Hadid at the Lyme LRA Gala:

Ally Hilfiger -Living the Lyme Life feat. Bella Hadid

Kansas 2020

Last week I was back in Kansas! 

At this point this has become rather a routine, we check in and speak to everyone and talk for a while. Then at some point we go back and see the doctor. Our rental car this time is a bright orange Jeep Wrangler, which is exactly what my doctor drives except his isn't as bright of a... traffic cone orange.

Day 1

 The doctor went over all my many test results and overall was very impressed, I did not really lose any progress since I was last there seven months ago which is a very big deal. Only one thing was a concern on my blood work, my liver enzymes were elevated by a lot, he gave me a few things to take and in a month I will get those rechecked back at home. We could not figure out why my liver could have changed so much. He said my kidneys look perfect for the first time ever, he said for someone with chronic illness to have normal kidney results, is a big deal and its a sign my body is getting back to normal. When the kidneys do not have to over work to maintain baseline minimum, its a good sign!

My thyroid also looked great. No issues there.  After looking at everything he focused on my gut issues, my liver, and a few other things for the week. I had a few odd things out of my usual pattern show up on my blood work that we are going to try to figure out. Overall I am setup for great improvement, through the "grading system" that he has me use to track my symptoms and severity, I need my number to be 50 or lower. Last time it was 80 something, this time it was 68. He said this means I am getting closer to being done with coming to the clinic! The lower the number the better.

 

Day 2

Today the doctor talked to me more about my blood test results. He said due to the recent viral outbreak the lab has released some webinars for the doctors to watch on recognizing viral infections (as a whole), he gave me a list of things that are typically altered when one is sick with a virus. Then he told me the list of things that were off on my blood test, guess what they matched. I had the blood draw on the day I got sick with a virus last week, so he further confirmed that the odd things on my tests were probably due to a viral infection, even the liver enzymes. Considering I no longer have a viral infection, this is all good news.

He worked on inflammation, a fungal issue showing up, and some gut things to further remediate the issues with my body. As a whole he is still pretty happy with how my tests are turning out!

Day 3+4

Yesterday the doctor spent time checking out why my body had so much inflammation, he gave me something to take for inflammation and specifically inflammation in my gut. He's balanced out sensitivities towards mold and some other environmental pollutants that I could come into contact with. 

Today he mainly focused on my gut, for several months I had been eating a lot more and gaining weight. In the last month that has gone away and Im back to not eating except what I have to. He's really focusing on trying to fix that. He added in a few things for my gut, interestingly the stuff he gave me isn't necessarily digestion boosters like digestive enzymes. The supplements are for my gallbladder and for preventing my body from producing too much leptin (hunger suppressing hormone). So the eating issue appears to be partly a hormonal issue rather than a diet or a malfunction. Learn something new every day. 

He went over my updated test results for today, and for the most part my body is working better. The body systems he's trying to support and improve the function of, were reflected in the results-meaning treatment is working as planned.

He told me today, that we had to treat parasites for so long, there would be some gut problems to clean up after. Well the parasites are gone and have been gone, this is the cleanup of the aftermath. After that, he doesn't think there will be anything or much left wrong that I will need treated for!

Day 5

The final day was short and simple as usual, he did some more work for my gut and added another couple supplements. He adjusted my spine so I could be prepared for the flight home, and we socialized for a little bit talking about alternative medicine things as a whole. I like getting his perspective on things and seeing what his experience is with different supplements. Last year we took a family trip to Hawaii (sounds great right?) and the flight there (10hrs) completely wore me out for the whole time we were there and I didnt really enjoy it because I was running on empty the whole time. He suggested that I try a megadose of glutathione before going on a big trip and continue to take it during the trip. He said he does the same and he holds up well. 

So, for now I am on a whole new set of supplements! Making progress and creating positive changes. My body is thankfully (for the most part LOL) not what it used to be! Things are starting to work like they are supposed to and I am becoming more and more human. 

I have a few more things to write but for now, I think this covers the biggest changes!

Nine Years and Still Counting

Today Marks Year Nine

As the above says, today 1/26/20 marks my ninth year of battling Lyme disease. In the beginning I had no idea I had Lyme. I had broken my arm and then never felt well again, I felt this way, then worse and worse for several years before getting any idea as to what was truly wrong with me.
For my full story, see this post from years and years ago.

I look at the last nine years and I almost want to scream, every single year has been different in thousands of ways. Consistency has not been my forté at all for how I have felt with being ill or how I had to deal with the ever rolling stresses handed to me. The first year was the beginning of the stress, I thought I was just sick from a drug interaction or from the stress of breaking multiple bones. Then I got sicker and I thought something more had to be wrong.

Year six and seven were probably the worst of the worst. I discovered anxiety and severe OCD somewhere in that timeline, I learned what starving and not being able to eat meant. I discovered new fears and pains that I had no idea were possible.
I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I complained many times over. I made it.

Year eight was a big changing point, I began exercising for the first time in my life and was able to really begin enjoying it! I began feeling peace and calmness again in my life, something that I felt was gone forever at one point. It felt as if my body had begun "waking up", my alertness began coming back and so did my energy. Consistency starting walking into my life and pain began walking out.

Looking back, I see several people who have come and gone from my life. Some I miss and some I hope have lost my number, and truthfully I do blame lyme and what it did to me for why I left some people behind and why some people left me in the dirt. Necessities breed ingenuity, I had a great need for "real" people in my life. People that just enjoy "fun" on a Friday night and nothing else at all, no longer had a place in my life. Some of these people could not handle how I "felt" all of the time, they did not appreciate how I had too many feelings and that none of these feelings were "fun".
And some of these people I no longer felt like being around because they are rather shallow. Lyme taught me a lot about looking deeper than skin deep and it taught me that what people don't say can be louder than what they do say. I learned to listen to the world going around instead of only hearing what was placed directly in my face, which is hard to explain.

Looking back I can also see how Lyme landed me my job, which I love so much. Lyme shaped my personality into a more caring spirit, I want to work with people who need help and need people to understand. Not just a 9-5 which serves no long term purpose.
I learned that living with a purpose and a meaning was capable of reshaping my entire outlook on life.

Nine years has taught me a lot, I pray that this is the year in which I can say Lyme no longer causes me illness. To be further specific, I pray that the lyme bacteria and the damage that has been done to my body, emotions, and spirit will no longer cause me disease. Year eight has taught me that my patience has begun paying off. I go to the gym all the time, since the beginning of December I have been to the gym on average 4x per week and I have gotten into my sauna 5x per week. These things have made me feel so satisfied and happy. I do not know if its because they are helping me so much, or if I am just that grateful that I can finally exercise on a consistent basis for the first time in my life.

I cant believe I have been sick nearly a decade, it is scary to think about how quickly all of it has burned past. I am grateful though that the last few years went by quickly, because they were nothing short of horrible. If I could never relieve that part of my life, that would be great.

I thank God for all of my progress. I have prayed that I will come out on the otherside healthier and happier than ever before, without trauma and damage. I think that one day this goal will be achieved.

Heres to another benchmark year in which changes and progress and growth will be embraced and welcomed :)

If It Breaks

Broken Things
Send us a big message. Its taken me a while to understand this. As I am working on a degree in psychology, I have been taught more and more on how to notice what is going on inside of myself so that I can better understand what is going on inside of someone else world. When something breaks, that "thing" sends a very broad yet specific message, "time to make a new choice".

Choices are hard, or at least they can be. Humans naturally fear the unknown, why? I haven't taken that class yet. Theres gotta be a reason though, Im sure of it.
Choices can bring fun new things, like choosing to buy something that has taken a while to save up for. Or taking a trip to somewhere that you have always wanted to go too.
Choosing to live in a new town, or even a new state, can be very scary. In that instance, there is a lot of unknown that has to be processed, maybe thats why people tend to live in a more stagnant life.

In my experience, and I have mentioned this many times before, people with a severe chronic illness have been put through some sort of major trauma that played part as a catalyst in their illness.
That is part of the reason I have chosen to earn a degree in psychology, to better understand myself and to better advocate for those who have been through more than they could handle. It can be hard to choose to move on from whatever the trauma was. Personally, I am in the "rebuilding" stage of lyme. I no longer have an active raging infection, it may not be 100% gone but it is no longer tearing my body apart. I have to repair the damage. Over the last few years my doctor has been working on my adrenals and hormones, those seem to being doing well according to my last test results.
My immune system is not leveled out yet, I have been rotating through having a high positive ANA to a negative ANA. ANA is an autoimmune test, it shows if the body is destroying its own tissue somewhere(as I understand it). In March this year my ANA was 1:160, which is a very high + test. In July it was negative, July I was also feeling the best with the least physical complaints. This month it tested at a 1:80, which is a high + but not as severe as the 1:160. Meaning it could be worse, but somewhere in my body I have damage occurring due to my own immune system.

I had to make a choice, I had to choose to take initiative and figure out what I needed to change in my life to push my body in the right direction. I decided to try some high doses of some supplements I had been taking earlier this year when my ANA was normal. I had to choose to realize (and not ignore) that the biggest problem I have is that I just dont handle stress well. I know I dont. A good friend of mine has been telling me about how I need to meditate to calm my mind and I need to do it frequently to keep my body in the right pattern. Have I done that yet? No. Do I know I need to? Yes. I do. I have been doing some deep breathing when I think about it and when I am in the sauna I try to relax and get the world out of my mind. I am pushing myself in the right direction, eventually Ill get there.

Having things "broken" with myself has taught me that choices are important. And ignoring a choice, is by default making a choice. I have learned to ask myself "if it breaks, does it heal?" , because the important things in life that truly matter can either heal or be fixed. Think about it. The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, do I make mistakes? All the time, always will. I try my best but in the end I am human and will make mistakes. (Anyone who cant see that they make mistakes just needs a new mirror to see themselves in). People we care about in life, we hold close and go out of our way to make a priority in our lives. Our hobbies, its easy to pickup a hobby and make it whatever you want to be. My hobby is my old car, I have done all sorts of projects on it to make it "better" and continue to make plans for more projects on the car. I make it a priority in my life because I enjoy it.  If my car breaks, I fix it, not because I "can" but because its an opportunity for me to learn something new.
Reaching the end of the year, I have looked back on some projects and people in my life and thought about how they could have gone different. But in reality I know whatever was suppose to happen, did. Nothing "failed" because I didn't work hard enough or because I "did it wrong". I made choices to move on, because my heart was no longer in it. I have had a few friends who may have been a bit toxic in my life that I pushed away (on purpose) and I have thought to myself, was that the right thing? Sure I could have done some things a bit different but, I made choices. It wont be the last time I have to make some space between myself and others. I had to abandon one of my car projects and sell it on to the next owner, because my heart was no longer in it. That project had morphed into a pit, and that pit sucked all the fun out of it.

Now that the year is coming to an end I am trying to make choices on what I want to do with myself for the next coming year. This time next year I should be graduated with a degree in Psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be facing some big changes then! Good changes! But I know that I myself, need to be a little more prepared than I am for some of the things coming in the future.

IV C

This morning 
Im spending the morning getting an IV of vitamin C, magnesium, and amino acids. In hopes that this will make me feel better. In the past the IV's have helped a lot, my practitioner has been unable to get the glutathione due to company backorder. Which is surprising to me that months later that it is still on back order, but anyway, here we are.
Yesterday at work i used the cold laser on my head for a few minutes to see if that would help, and it did. In the past when anxiety and ocd were severe the laser seemed like it would reduce the severity every time. It works by decreasing inflammation and increasing circulation, which apparently my brain needs.
PANDAS and lyme both cause inflammation in the brain, for one lyme insomnia can be inflammation related. Im wondering if maybe I am going through a PANDAS flair, judging by my symptoms I have been having it wouldnt shock me if the stress from school was causing me to have a flair.
I havent really had any full blown anxiety, but I have noticed I have had a lot of thought fixation, heart racing, fatigue, food tastes bad, low appetite, my stomach has been making weird noises, and I havent felt just right.

Yesterday morning I was feeling terrible, and I was dragging and didnt really want to work or do anything. In the afternoon I did the laser, and by that evening I was feeling much much better and I was able to have fun with some friends. Total flip. Back when I had full on PANDAS I did the laser therapy frequently, I think it may be time to get back to that, at least for the duration of the school year.

I tested myself on the biofeedback machine yesterday, its a machine that can find stresses in the body electronically, my body had stresses towards strep, lyme, chronic inflammation, respiratory virus, and a few other nasty things.
I have been around a bunch of sick people lately, who were diagnosed with a respiratory virus. All over the last two weeks, I partly wonder if maybe my exposure to the virus, could have flipped out my immune system. Instead of me getting a respiratory cough like they did, maybe maybe immune system response made me feel poorly and I ended up with inflammation in my brain instead.
I know in the past when I have had minor symptom flairs, usually it can be traced back to some sick people around me. I dont *normally* get regular sick, like a cold or anything like that. It does happen but not all that often.

I am going Monday to get some blood drawn, its been a while since I have had everything checked out.

Ponderings

Anxiety Returns
In the last week my anxiety has not been so great, and it isnt the usual "stress" anxiety where my thoughts race and I cant stop thinking about whatever it is thats bugging me (usually school). Its the kind where I feel like nothing is good enough, food doesnt taste right, I dont talk much when Im out with my friends, and my muscles will tense up randomly. I mean tense up hard, not like a cramp, but my fingers and or toes may curl, my calfs and my arms will tighten up and maybe contort into an odd shape thats not exactly "resting".
I dont know how else to explain it, but my body hasnt been happy. School is stressful right now and I have had to get a tutor for one class, and I havent even been able to find a tutor for the other class I need help with. And that is a big deal, I thought that was the only thing causing my PANDAS type anxiety.

Yesterday was a crazy day, it was very reminiscent of how I felt last year when I was doing so terrible. I was tired the whole day, but my brain worked well enough for me to get a lot of homework done (and the homework seemed to make sense), then last night I started feeling worse. With one of my fish tanks, I had a small issue that ended in a wet floor and an annoying mess.
Usually that doesnt stress me out too bad but yesterday It made me mad, I dont normally get mad. I had three tanks set up, one saltwater, one freshwater with just plants (no fish), and then the tank my used to be best friend gave me that had his fish in it (he couldnt take it to college).
I have been way too busy to maintain the tanks, so I decided that the two freshwater tanks needed to go. I texted some pictures to some friends and said whoever can help move them can have them, an hour or two later I was carrying my old best friends tank out with his fish to take over to another friends house (she was friends with him too), and another friend got my plants.
I thought great, two stresses out of my way. I was sad to get rid of the fish, even if I don't talk to that friend anymore, I like fish. I made sure the friend who got the fish was a friend that wouldnt kill it, but still I felt sad.
I was borderline manic yesterday, it was a day I couldn't stop and sit down. I cleaned, I took down and moved a fish tank, I carried 18 gallons of water across my friends yard and up the stairs, in one trip (8.3lbs X 18=149 LBS, I weight 147LBS FYI). All day I constantly felt frustrated and like I needed to be accomplishing something, I couldnt just stop. Yesterday I also had tears in my eyes several times, not crying or upset, it just happened. Which is something else that happened a lot last year and the year before with the whole PANDAS thing.
When I carried the 3 jugs of water into my friends house, in one trip, with one jug handle in each hand and on hanging from my wrist, I knew something wasnt right. I cant normally lift my bodys weight for one, much less carry it around and up stairs, so that was my tip off that I must be having an adrenaline rush or something. The water was so heavy it left a bruise on my wrist where I carried it. Didnt hurt when I carried it yesterday.

Then today, I woke up feeling not so hot. I had math class today and I met with the teacher after for some tutoring, and it went well, stressful but well.
When I got into my car I realised I was about ready for a mental breakdown and I was worn out, not terrible like I used to have happen to me, but I felt it. I had tears in my eyes on my way back to work, again no specific reason. Same thing when I got to work, I had to wipe my eyes with a tissue a few times when I was working.
Then when it was all over and I went home for dinner, I got a notifcation on my phone and all of my emotions from the last week or two made sense.
It was a calendar notification, this day 3 years ago is when my old best friend and I became best friends, its the day we first hung out and I first went over to his house. Every year after we would always do something for fun to celebrate. Except this one. I had forgotten about it, by some miracle. It hadnt even occured to me that today was any other day. But here we are.

I always associate the PANDAS symptoms and that friend together, because I got the PANDAS a few months after I first got to know him and hes the one I always talked to about it (and the only person I felt safe talking to about it because he seemed to get it). So to me it makes sense that those symptoms would coincide with thinking about that friend...
I cant believe that my body is still so...reactive? Im not sure how to word it. I have never been one to be all that attached to people, I have my set people I like and the ones I feel comfortable with, and thats good enough. I dont really strive to make friends with everyone I can at school (in fact some of those people I avoid because I think theyre gross, because well...some college kids are gross).
I dont understand why I cant get over this one person, its been months since Ive spoken to them, I have much better friends that wouldnt ever just drop me off the face of the earth. Im about to facetime one of them in a little bit, and I was facetiming one of them earlier from work.
Im telling myself its related to the PANDAS because of the OCD factor. Not sure if its true or not, because truthfully I dont know.
I even have dreams where I see that friend, usually in the dreams we are just hanging out doing something we used to do. I had two dreams or so last week. I didnt do that when we were friends, like ever at all.

I guess I need to keep on praying. God has gotten me through everything so far and he has placed some amazing people in my life who I love. One day, if its still bugging me and I find myself with free time, maybe I will talk to a counselor about it. I just hate to feel like I have made that big of a deal about this one person or let this person control that much of my life in some way.

It will be interesting to look back this time next year and see whats happening. Ive thought about last year a lot, and I like this one a lot more than the last several. By a ton. Next year is gonna be even better, Ive already decided it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a calendar notification to permanently delete.

Thinking

Im Not Sure Where To Start
Hey you guys, been a month now and im trying not to go too long without longing life here on the blog.
This school semester is killing me, psych and sociology are going awesome, chemistry and pre calc are knocking me out. Me and numbers and memorizing and focusing....not so great! I love psychology, I think I have the best teacher in the world, I really do. Today after class I spent almost half an hour talking to her about my experiences in the clinic I work in, compared to what I had seen in today lecture. Today we talked about alcoholism and alcohol use (earlier this week was drugs and controlled substances), so I talked about how we see so many people who use food or drugs as their way to cope with life and most of that is because its socially acceptable to eat a lot for comfort.

We also talked about how many clients will lie to your face "oh no, im not doing that anymore" then follow up and say "except for... four times yesterday, then today for breakfast, plus when I was on the way here". I asked my teacher, "so when will we cover the stats on how many clients will never even try to get better or how they will just get more creative at hiding from their problem" and thats how we got onto the subject. It was very enjoyable, she is someone who definitely gets it, who sees life through their own eyes and not someone who hides behind rose glasses (or at least does a good job at appearing that way). That was probably the highlight of my day, could even be my week.

As far as my actual health goes, I dont want to say it and I dont want to claim it, but I have had a bunch of rough days in the last few weeks.
Monday morning I woke up at 5am, after a demonic nightmare (very rare for me. very) and I was wide awake, so I functioned that day on 3 hours of rough sleep. Tuesday was similar, I was up at 5 after a weird dream but managed to fall back to sleep. Then at 6:30am I woke up and that was it, but I did sleep around 7 or so hours this time so it was better than the day before. Tuesday night I was asleep around 11:30pm, and then i slept until 10:30am wednesday. I would call that pretty solid, but still I was worn out. And allll of that leads us up to today, which is still rough and I cant think. My brain and focus checked out.

Emotionally, except for the last couple of weeks where Ive felt worn out, Ive had a LOT of really good days. Days  that I can ride around the car and enjoy my time listening to my music and having fun. No complaints. I have been very grateful for the reminder of what that all actually feels like. Even now, im not feeling great physically or emotionally, but its not so bad compared to a year ago. Its rough and I need to get this figured out sooner rather than later, I know part of it is stress and overworking myself.

I have been getting back in the sauna again, last week I got in for 45-60 minutes 5-6 times. That helped me a lot, but for whatever reason it didnt stick to this week. I got in again today for the first time this week, im praying that tomorrow will be a great day. If I can make it through work and some studying, thats all I ask.
I have been taking more time off work, I took nearly all of today off work to get some homework and rest in.

One personal thing has been weighing on me a ton and Its something I do wish would just go away. But I know better than that, and theres no lessons to be learned if my problems disappear into thin air. The end of October is the anniversary of the death of someone who used to be my best friend, and I was always involved with that with my friend every year. Now, nothing. He doesn't talk to me anymore and won't answer my calls, texts, emails etc. so I know better than to try to send him another message of any sorts. Its just odd, being so close to someone and being a part of special times in their life (though this one is rather tragic, not sure special is really the right word, maybe I should say meaningful instead ?), then just being gone from their life. But, for now, it just is what it is.

This coming week I am going to get some blood work done to checkout whats going on in my body. Its been several months since I have had anything checked out, I may find a cause to why I haven't been feeling so hot.

Reflecting on The Waves

Reflecting on a Week of Changes
This week has been a unique time in my life. One, because some things in my work/personal life are changing. Two, because I am headed back to Kansas this weekend. Heading to Kansas is always a guarantee that my life will change, I go in feeling one way and come out on the other side feeling different (usually worn out). Then weeks and months later my life continues to change.

Ill start elaborating. Personal life-
An amazing coworker of mine, that is a cross between a mom and a best friend to me, is leaving our office to move to Virginia. This woman came in only a year ago, and cleaned house. She changed our entire work environment. She streamlined all of our systems, wrote protocols, held people accountable, increased business, and most importantly brought a smile to everyones face.
It is nothing short of a God send that this woman was placed in our office and our lives. She managed to remove all of the toxic personalities from our office and environment, so all this posts from the last two years or so about issues with coworkers-she solved six months ago. Thanks to her, I am able to go to work and enjoy it. My heart is back in it, life is good. I also gained confidence and value in myself, I have been shown how much I am worth to the business. I have held the position of professional multitasker for four years now, thanks to this woman my benefit has been recognized and I can see a higher value in myself in the office.
The amount of smiling patients that come into our office has increased, many came by today or this week to say goodbye We even had a surprise party earlier in the week and managed to surprise her, I was honored to be a big part of that. I like making sure people feel special, I think that day we all did a good job.
This person has actually been special enough to me, that today I gave her a link to this blog as a going away present. For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you know that this blog is a very secret safe haven of mine, that I have only given to a small handful of people. The first being a coworker last year, then E and one other girl friend of mine, and now this coworker. Thats only 4 people (unless I forgot someone).

Personal life Pt. 2
I have been thinking lately on how much my life has been on a continuously changing spin cycle for the last few years, especially since the strep infection in my brain. The anxiety and depression has subsided substantially since March. Looking back into October 2018, anxiety was hitting an all time high and I was collapsing. I was scared big time and answers were scarce. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, so many nights I was awake in bed praying that I could just stand up right out of my body and leave it behind. My body and I are on better speaking terms, it still has some catching up to do, but I thank God every day today for the body I have been given. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few years back I had zero understanding of anxiety, now I get it.

Ya know, they don't say you "get it" until you GET IT. Thankfully, I GET IT now. I understand.

Anxiety is a complete and total change in mental capacity and functions, immediately. Sometimes its triggered and sometimes its a surprise. Ive had a few minor surprises lately with it, but all very minor and all very related to staying up too late or not sleeping. A year ago I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, good day or bad. I wanted out. It didnt feel right.
Two years ago I remember having plenty of vegetable moments, all too often just being too tired to do much. Hobbies weren't in the picture. Depression was made, and anxiety showed up.
Three years ago, I was only a few months into treatment with my doctor, and that was my first taste of feeling human again. Depression was frequent but not severe, anxiety was very mild or maybe non existent (I would have to check my notes).
Six years ago, I had to take time off school because I just couldn't function.
Seven years ago I had to recognize that my life had changed, from an event the year prior, and I would have to recognize my new life style of feeling unwell all the time "for no reason". All sports were dropped and any activity I could live without was left to the dust and never thought of as a possibility. Life had changed and the future was a scary place.

The future is happening, life has been ever changing. More scary changes than I care to think about, but all the changes have led to the person I have become. In the last few months, since my last visit to Kansas, I have come to appreciate the man I am becoming. I am flawed, my body is faulty, things still scare me, sometimes I dont know what Im doing. But this is the life God gave me, it wasn't an accident, it all has a purpose for his glory. Ive made it this far, if I was doing something that wrong God would have taken me out of the picture. I will be here to serve my purpose until God decides my time has come.

Personal Life Pt. 3
I have removed a lot of toxic people from my life in the last few months. I used to fear that I was being antisocial, and that I should be conforming to other peoples quirks and habits otherwise I was doing something wrong. Now I am realizing that those behaviors put me in situations that allowed me to be walked on and taken advantage of, and a lot of those "friends" may serve me better from a distance rather than on my speed dial. Some of these friends have known me for  along time, they may come back around and this may be a temporary change, or it may be time to forget about them. My "best" friend that I used to mention on a frequent basis has been MIA from my life since February. One day he didn't text me back, and I never heard from him again. Very long story short, I sent him an email asking for forgiveness for whatever I may have done, and I apologized for some of my own faults that I knew bothered him. That was the end of that. Sending that email hurt, I had to pour a lot of emotion and thought into it and I knew in my heart that nothing would come of it physically. I knew no matter what I said, was he going to respond. God has given me very strong intuition in my life, sometimes I "just know". But I said my piece, I put it out there, I got it all of my  chest, I asked for forgiveness, I asked God to forgive me for my mistakes-known and unknown.
After this event my life began to clear in a way, I started getting him off my mind. It hurt. It burned. Intuition says its not over and come the end of this year I need to be prepared for something, what that is-I dont know. I just know I should take note of what my intuition said.
I removed 90% of the things that kept my life anchored to this person in anyway, which consisted of deleting pictures from my phone, texts, and taking of the friendship ring that he gave me. One day I will dump that last 10%, which will be when I delete all of the pictures and messages, throw the ring away (turns out it cost like $10 on eBay, I found where he bought it on the first search, he probably put very little thought into it and it probably isn't worth keeping in my drawer), and take the one last picture off my dresser. Its just hard for me to part with memories that during a hard part of my life, brought me a lot of joy and relief from some painful realities. I havent decided if its intuition telling me to hold onto these things a little longer, or just sentiment.

This isn't the only friend Ive had incidence with this year, probably the most dramatic. One "best" friend started dating another " best" friend, then the two of them starting treating myself and others rather poorly. Another "great" friend of mine started dating a new guy, then said new guy got a bit handsy with the girls cousin in the pool. "Great" friend says it didnt happen, cousin gets upset. Lo and Behold, house divided on a rather serious matter there. I voiced my opinion and stepped out of the picture. Anyway, ill stop there with the drama, drama doesn't need to seem like its being glorified.
This year, I realized how much healthier and happier I was when I didnt go out with friends or spend an evening with certain people. I noticed that I was happier stressing over car parts, than I was being caught in drama which began to seem endless. Maybe right now I am feeling a bit antisocial and I am being a bit snobby about what quality of people I want to spend my time around. I think it may be time I start treating my social life with a little more respect, even if it means staying home and not being social.

Lyme-
I guess I could mention a little bit about the topic that gave me the reason to write my blog. Life is going well in the disease department. Sleep has struggled painfully this week, but I have had a lot on my mind. I have had some extremely severe leg cramps all day everyday for the last several days which have made it painful to walk, I'm blaming this on working on my car. Fatigue and motivation are a bit of a struggle, probably related to sleeping.
If I could sleep well, and wake up early, then maintain a consistent schedule indefinitely, I think my symptoms would continuously improve. The one thing that  does remain a struggle is my personality, I still do not feel like im as "awake" as I was pre strep, sometimes it is still very difficult to talk. My brain just stays at flatline. I used to talk a lot more and joke around a lot and everyone thought I was hilarious (which is still there, but not at all like before. I used to keep track of my jokes I had so many). Its coming back, maybe after this coming visit to Kansas this will begin to take a large turn for the best. Im praying for my body as an entirety to heal and function properly (not just function "enough"), Im praying that my brain fog will be lifted, that I will feel completely like myself again and not just a "part" of myself that survived a war, and Im praying that I will be given the energy and stamina to feel GREAT after this coming week all the way through the school year (or further). Last time, my doctor told me I had near miraculous results with how quickly and significantly my test results improved for the better. I am praying that this will be gloriously repeated.

How am I doing on making up for the lost time I was in hiatus?? I told you, thoughts are in there!!

Long Hiatus

I Forgot
Ok so I am guilty of what many bloggers all do at some point in life. I forgot to sit down and write on my blog.
Ive been writing this blog for years, Im a bit shocked it was so easy for me to just disappear like that. E texted me this evening and asked me if it was a good thing that it has been 5 months since my last post. I had NO idea it had been that long! Not in the slightest. A whole lot of things have changed since February. Mostly for the better!

Okay so first things first. I finished another semester of school successfully. College Algebra included. That alone is a gift from God LOL.
I decided to do two summer classes this summer, Theories of Psych and Social Problems. Both have been rather fun and light classes to do during an online summer semester. I like the 1 class per month setup, im not so rushed to get things done. I just have my dedicated amount of time to spend on each class 6 days awake, but short amounts of time so I can actually ENJOY the class a little! I remember when reading was rocket science a few years ago.
Sitting down to read a book is still difficult, but for school I can do it.

Second! I went to see my Kansas Doc in March. WOW. Life has changed a lot since then. He started me on some new things for sleep which have made a significant difference in the quality of my sleep. We did the standard work up, I have it all written down and I will post specific details on it all soon.
My quality of life sky rocketed after this last visit to my doctor, like record breaking. Before I went to the clinic I was really starting to wear down again, feeling very flatline and tired. Not necessarily depressed or anxious, just run down. But I was going to the gym every so often and pushing myself, trying to get into the rhythm of exercising and exerting physical energy. My body had all forgotten what intentional exercise was after all these years, 13 years old was when all my formal exercise of any sort ended. Now I am 21 and I can do it again. Some days I can some days I can't, but what has made life different is the days that I can are out numbering the ones where I can't. I do still have limits, I am really pushing getting to bed earlier. I HAVE to recover and not over do it in my daily life if I want to be able to feel well and be able to exercise.
The first  two months after my March visit with my doctor I felt GREAT. Sure I still had bad and sucky days, but I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week for the most part and I finished the last half of the school semester. School, gym, and work. Never thought I would see the day.

Quality of life is doing much much better than in the past. Depression creeps in every so often, when it does usually I can take a look at something I had done in the last 24 hours and pick out the cause. Chinese food and MSG, WAY over doing it with working too hard and not resting, under eating-depression guarantees for me. Every time without a fail.

Anxiety. Heres a word that I, at one point in my life, had no understanding of. No comprehension of the effects that this little disorder could have on somebody's life. I had no idea anxiety held the mold to completely reshape a persons life and personality into a form previously unknown. This anxiety thing isn't for sissies! I had no idea how anxious and on edge I was all the time until it disappeared...
Thats right. I dont think I have had anxiety in months now. After the last visit to my doctor the anxiety and unhinged stress slowly started melting away and releasing. Like a wound up rubber band slowly popping itself free until no tension was left.
Who remembers when thats all I had to talk about?
If anxiety does NOT return with the onset of the new school semester, I think we will have truly witnessed a miracle. Even if it does return, I don't think severity will ever reach what it once was. Looking back about two summers ago when it was in its peak, I think I should have seen a psychiatrist and gotten some strong medication or something. I dont think I even almost recognized how severe it was. OR how strong I was to resist it during that time. I am so thankful that God kept me strong and I never fell victim to feeling sorry for myself or giving up.

Work! I am still at the same office working the same job. During the summer I work full time, which my dear bank account is so grateful for. Come this very full semester of college next month, my bank will shed a few small tears when my hours cut back.
Some things even at work have changed, Ive become much more social and have had much more bonding time with my co workers. I love them to pieces.
Earlier this year the problematic coworkers that all of us were bothered by (11 employees, 2 problematic, not kidding when I say EVERYONE) are now GONE. They are still employed by they are working from a distance, out of our space and out of our way! They're happy not being in the office being social (one of the two has a social disorder and regularly ticked people off) and we are happy having the space back.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed my job. Some evenings I dont even want to go home, I actually think I rather be at work with my work family than with some of my friends from school. I must be growing into an adult LOL.

I go back to my Kansas doc in just a few weeks, two I think. I have already gotten my blood drawn for the lab work. Just waiting to fly out. I am still taking a crap ton of supplements and I pray that soon I will be able to reduce things, I am not on as many pills as I have been in the past but I am still choking down a fist full morning and night. I dont even ask that I have to discontinue them all. Just some. Pretty please
I have begun to slide down again on energy compared to what it was after my visit in March. I changed one of my adrenal supplements and it made a big difference and progress started coming back. I am looking forward to my upcoming visit, my baseline now is a mile higher than ever before. I have never gone into a week in Kansas, not anxious and in pain, never ever exercising, never working hard. Its almost always a downward spiral my doc has to pull me from.
The only symptom I would say is truly "returning" is my brain fog, which I have fought with and fought with for almost a decade. Again, if I could sleep am 8 hour night every night, my brain health would probably be out of this world. Sleep quality has gotten great, amount of hours is still rather lacking and not ideal. Ive noticed lately Ive been garbling my speech a lot more and I lose thoughts and sentences, so I know its coming time for a tune up again. I am glad this coming visit will be more of  strong jump start or maybe even a slingshot into feeling normal again, rather than my doctor pulling me up by the Grace of God from the pits of disrepair. He's going to be so shocked when he sees me next time.

I am still trying to push my fitness even though my energy has been waning a bit. I have gone to the gym twice this week. I am really trying to eat more, I haven't eaten a satisfactory quantity on a regular basis in years (probably the whole time I've been sick). Its time I quit starving myself and I make food a higher priority. I still don't enjoy food a whole lot or enjoy eating. I notice I can trick myself into eating a lot more at work when Im busy compared to when Im home doing other projects (read, I forget to eat at home). I have found a protein shake called Vega that I can tolerate, so I have been mixing it with some frozen fruit and ACV, creating what is now my breakfast and dinner. I learned protein shakes before bed drastically help my sleep quality. With these results, doing the shakes has become second nature. I mix them with fruits I like plus some kale or veggies, then heavily dilute with coconut milk to thin it out. If I make the smoothie very thick it will hurt my stomach, I still have to watch it with food. Hard to digest solid food makes my stomach feel full and painful for a while. MUCH better than it was in the past but it is still an issue. If I dilute my smoothies down and take digestive enzymes, the problem is better. Maybe my hunger (lack of) issue will be what begins to improve next time I go to my doctor.
My goal is to begin gaining weight, 6'4" and 136 or so LBS. Its time I look less anorexic and have more reserves. People who have a healthier body weight have a stronger immune system and are less likely to get sick. Thats mah goal here!
Since starting with the gym I have gained zero pounds since February. I took a look at my diet and realized how little I was eating (realized...again) and how lacking in protein it was. This week I started the Vega instead of the other vegan protein I was doing, the Vega is a bit higher in proteins. I still need to bring up the calories and nutrients as a whole. But this eating thing isn't easy. I have noticed a difference since I started doing protein shakes 1-2 times a day a month or two ago, my energy has become more consistent and holds out for longer.

In my more fun side of life, I bought a 74' Alfa Romeo Spider, it has become my baby. Its a cross between a project car and my own daily driving car. It was a solid driver. At first. I decided to drive the car to work one day, the thermostat stuck and overheating the engine...blowing the head gasket. This wasn't a bit deal, it was easy to fix this. While I had the engine torn apart I replaced a lot of other things while I was in there, thinking I was making my car more and more reliable (in theory I did). Well once the head gasket was replaced I took the car on some test drives around the neighborhood, honing in the carburetors and getting them adjusted (look, I know im supposed to be  millennial but I want to learn how this stuff works LOL). Aaaaaand a little 10mm nut came off a carb bracket, and went right into the engine. Thats bad. Whats worse, I did not realize that had happened. I eventually figured out the reason I couldn't adjust the carbs was because one cylinder had sucked in the nut and had become severely damaged in the head. I discovered this had happened when I took the spark plug out and saw the tip had been crushed, I knew this had to be bad. LONG story short. The head of the engine has been back and forth the the shop many times, with failed attempts to fix it. Now another head is being built for my car (I know most of my readers arent car people and this is just rocket science...BUT)and will hopefully be ready soon. Its taken about two months to get this far on this issue. The "new" head being built has taken almost a month to be refurbished from what it was, the shop hasn't been in what you call a hurry to get the job done. But if they do a good job, I can be patient. Im thankful it only hurt the head of the engine and didnt ruin the WHOLE engine. For this we are thankful.

I think this about brings everyone to where my life is now. Major symptoms-fatigue(could be worse), brain fog, insomnia, digestion.
Life problems-my car is broken.
But hey, all these issues are fixable and will be fixed in due time. Step by step progress gets made!

I missed blogging, truthfully I just havent sat down or really NEEDED to vent like I have in the past, but no that does not mean I will stop writing!

One Month Count Down

Back to Kansas! Spring Break 2019!

I have officially booked my next visit to see my Kansas doctor. This is the longest breaks in between visits I have ever taken since beginning treatment for Lyme. Some new things will be happening this go round.

For one, I won't be going to the Hansa Center anymore. I am going to miss that place, I thought it was one of the friendliest, warmest environments on earth. But its time for a change, my Dr. along with a few others left the clinic and moved to a new one of their own creation. Why? I don't know. I just know that even good things must come to an end and change doesn't mean for the worst. I am excited to see this new clinic and what sort of environment it has. I know the doctors have been hard at work to make their creation something to brag about and that there will be new therapies involved. 

When I spoke to my doctor on the phone a while back, he told me about some of the new therapies that they will be offering. Some sound similar and some are a new idea to me altogether. I can't wait until I can report back on my progress. Unfortunately, as far as I know, the new clinic does not have a completed website. So I can't exactly share too much about the new clinic, but my doctor assured me that they will be offering next level service. Im not too worried, my doctor has gone above and beyond for me from day 1 and whenever I get frustrated he does his best to come up with a solution. 

I haven't seen my doctor since the beginning of August, that'll be seven months in between doctor visits!!

Granted I had other things going on to support my system in the meantime. Like the clinic I visited in December, I'm sure that offered some benefit, though it was focused more so on brain than anything else. Plus the hyperbaric oxygen this month, but except for herbs and stuff I have put myself on I have stayed on the same protocol since August. Ive held rather steady at that. Some days I do feel miserable and I do hate the world, last week had a handful of those days. Other days I have some nice conversations with people and it all seems worth it. I try to keep my outlook positive. Not everyone gets to overcome Lyme Disease, some people dont even get to live with it. I have, through a lot of effort and tears and screaming and reading, have made it eight years. I want to be one of the ones to get rid of the disease altogether and never let my body feel this type of sick again. I plan on leaving my fragile and finicky constitution behind and rebuilding it for good. 

Last week I was talking to a friend of mine who I see about every week or two, she's had lyme and fibromyalgia for a few decades now. Her and I were talking about how we feel bad for the people who aren't able to seek any treatment or who dont know whats wrong with them, then end up killing themselves out of desperation to reach freedom from the misery. We agreed that it would be nice if we could just sit up and walk right out of our body, leaving it behind. I said it would be nice if I could sell my body, then buy a new one like you would do to an old car. She advised me not to tell to many people that I think its a good idea to sell my body LOL. Turns out that one sounded better in my head than out in the real world.

But there are some nights, the usual sleepless ones where my thoughts go round and round like a broken carousel, where I do think-what if I could just leave my body. Im very grateful for the body and life ive been given, but sometimes I dont really feel like im living in my own body. Its more like sharing an apartment with a few people, each one with a different mood. Too Tired to Care is my favorite roommate, Angry for No Reason is the one I try to avoid. On the good days when I feel happy and energetic-I feel totally different. It feels like my body is my own and I can do with it what I want. I dont feel so invaded or like im sharing my body with whatever deck of cards I was dealt that day.

This last week I started something new. I, of all people, got a gym membership for the first time in my life. I can't remember the last time I seriously thought I could start exercising, even if its just walking on the treadmill. Before the strep two years ago I was beginning to exercise again, but the strep knocked that one out for me and took my brain and my personality with it. God willing, maybe we are finally starting to get closer to the end of that. 

Its been a while since I've cried without provocation. I do still get set off easily and fall into depression, but it really only lasts a day or two then turns into frustration instead (or fades away altogether). It used to take days to get out of a dark place, or weeks. Maybe my next visit to the clinic will help launch my personality back into my head and out of the ditch its been sitting in. My joints haven't been in terrible pain either. My muscles do have their days, but overall minimal complaints, same with dizziness. Fatigue can still be a battle but I suspect that before long we will be able to get this turned around again. 

So really, fatigue, emotions, and insomnia are what are really holding me back. I think if I could sleep, my fatigue would dissipate. Maybe even disappear altogether. My emotions may be less finicky too. 

I am about to try a new sleep medicine, I am hoping that it will work. Its been a while since Ive tried a new drug for sleeping. Ill update on that when something comes of it. 

I haven't been back to counseling in a few months. I got tired of telling some man about my personal issues and then being told to draw pictures. I know its good and it does help. Ive even recommended it to other people. Its just not my thing. Sometimes it feels better to think about slapping the person that caused my emotional issue (that day) rather than draw out whatever Im feeling. I mean I dont ever slap anyone. Just the thought seems a bit more fun LOL

Numbness

What Would the Dr.Order?

One of the things I was hoping to accomplish with the psychiatrist I began seeing in December was getting out of depression. I know its not necessarily a fast process and I'm not done yet, but I was hoping I would notice a change on their protocol. I still feel numb all of the time, unless I'm upset. I can still feel sympathy and feel upset or grief, but I never feel like myself. Lately I haven't really felt like talking to anyone. Some of my friends I have just kinda blown of altogether. I don't feel like myself and its so frustrating.
Ive talked to Dr.psychiatrist about this. Her biggest concern is my irregular sleep patterns. Which I do agree, need to be fixed and they are causing issues of their own and probably making this depression or whatever it is worse. But Ive had sleep issues for over a decade, I almost don't even care anymore. I mean I do care, I would love to sleep and relax at night. But so far I've failed several sleep drugs and a dozen or so sleep supplements. Im not sure what magic results she thinks she's going to get. She talked to me about Belsomra, which my insurance denied. I said I might would try a sleep drug if it was different from what Ive already tried, but Belsomra being $500, not happening. Especially considering it has a strong possibility of being useless and ending up in the trash.
She's holding out on the HBOT as being a big deal and potentially solving a bunch of issues. Its made a difference, so I'm holding out that she's right.
I had a bit higher hopes that this brain specialist would be able to help a little more than it all has. Im not done yet, but I was expecting a bit more benefit to the cost$

I have had some stresses lately. A friend of mine (unsuccessfully) attempted suicide the night of the superbowl. I stayed on the phone with her during the matter trying to bring her down, I dont know if she even remembers it now. But it took a toll on me that night and the next day. I feel for her, I know what its like to be miserable. But...she would rather take her stress out on others than actually resolve the situation. And I can be one of the people she takes her issues out on...

Januar 26 was my 8 year anniversary of getting sick. That weighed on me a little bit but in truth I dont know what to feel, so I just didnt. Last year I was extremely emotional on the 7 year anniversary. I remember crying for at least a week or more, before and after the day. I just flat out could not believe that I was still sic, even with treatment, and still feeling like death. I think I feel better this year than last year, a lot of it is a blur so I dont really remember. I was doing the best year before last. I thought I was almost out of it.
Can I repeat that year??
What magic was I doing then?? I want to do it again.

Some days I do very well and I can pretend that theirs nothing wrong with me. Other days, I leave school, get in my car, and have to stay there a bit before driving. Some days I wake up and I feel like I have the world in my hand, others I don't even want to get out of bed.

I decided to add in Collagen powder to my daily supplement routine, helping address any leaky gut issues. Ive done a lot for leaky gut over the years but...thought this may have some benefit. Im also taking some lyme and parasitic specific supplements right now and I have for a few weeks. In the past I have felt worse when treating parasites, so maybe this is doing something? Walking blindly right now....

Slow New Year

My Mantra to Life-Just Keep Swimming

Well it so seems the beat goes on, im still here even though I haven't posted in a month. Theres some good to that.
I started hyperbaric oxygen three weeks ago, I have one more week remaining. This has been every day, for an hour or more. Its not one of my favorite therapies ive ever done, but I think I am getting results from it though. I have been a bit more alert since starting. A few other people have told me that my color looks better and that I seem more involved in what I do. So my prayer is that the results I get stick and they aren't temporary.

Ive had what I think is a fairly uneventful month. Running the same regular school and work schedule, running it on caffeine that is. I used to never drink caffeine of any sort ever. These days caffeine is whats driving me to function, I don't feel all that bad I just have no energy or motivation. I feel like Ive had my battery drained and life drained out. Yesterday was a coffee and stevia energy drink day, at that I had energy for half the day then went back to my normal steady crash. I still fell asleep at my normal time.
I attribute my recent worsening of fatigue to my lack of sleep. This weekend was especially rough for some reason. I just kept rolling even though I had no energy to roll with, I only do caffeine during the week so it shouldn't have been any residual in my system.

I found myself up late with my thoughts. In a surreality that takes me back to many years of staring out the window at the moon during the late hours of the night. I remember when I used to sit on my nightstand looking up at the moon dreaming of reaching for the stars. I also remember the less than pleasant nights when I would look down at the ground bellow instead, because it would be a much easier place to find myself landing rather than floating through the clouds.
The night is my peace time. I (usually) take my life off work and school and anything else I have going on. I used to read until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Now my mind just wanders into its own realm. I think of goals id like to accomplish and the dreams I once had. I wonder which ones will become a reality and which ones ill regret never chasing. Its so easy to worry over things that are only relevant right now even when they seem to make up our entire universe. Afterwards is when I can look back and see how minute the subject was.

In this state of fatigue and frustration I have fallen into I have found solace in encouraging others. In my work I can help people and reach out. I can show someone that I can care for them and make them feel special. People in special circumstances appreciate it when you go the extra mile for them, they see it and they feel it. Making someone smile for real, not just a sympathy smile but a genuine smile, is one of the things that keeps me going. I know I am doing at least 1 thing right in my day, after all kindness is free
Though seeing how some people act you would think kindness came with a price tag only the wealthiest and most privileged could afford. I don't understand it.

I made one woman very happy a few weeks, I left her a surprise of encouraging words in her notes for her to find when she got home. I heard from her when she found it and she told me how much she appreciated it and how much she loved how caring I was.
I appreciated her reaction, I knew I was doing something that actually mattered. It wasn't mindless chatter or some material thing that would whither to the dust in a short time. This is someones life, someones presence on this earth. To me, that has a lot of value..
One thing I do not appreciate about this world is how much we are required to immerse ourselves into earthly material things, but we have to. Its our culture. Its our distraction from ourselves. Material is what creates the common bond to create a society.
Maybe if we had more hearts walking around and fewer price tags, we would place value on our friends, family, and neighbors. We all struggle with things in our lives. It just so happens to be that my struggle is my health, which seems to be an endless battle but it isn't. The end will come. Until then, I keep on working.

Even with how "well" I have felt over the last month I have still been weathering some personal issues, as I always feel I am. Im not sure why I can't move on so quickly or why I hold myself back, but I do. And as long as I do some of these things will continue to be an issue for me.
I used to cry a lot. Daily. Multiple times a day. In the car on the way to work. Lunch break. I haven't been anywhere near that type of emotional in a long while. I do wonder, if its because im over the things that made me cry or if its because Im too tired to cry.

What Will 2019 Behold?

In A Search
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?

I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.

Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.

Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.

I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....

Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Emotional Floods

Long Week
I love the holidays and I love getting to see everyone at Christmas, friends come home from school and I get to see some family.
Always great.
Except when Im worn out. Which happens. A lot. On top of being worn out, I have managed to have the sniffles and a sore throat all week. Which further depletes my limited energy.
When im worn out I loose all hope of enjoying whatever it was that I had planned. I get caught up in my head and I drown in my thoughts. My thoughts just spin like a whirlpool. That usually ends in my emotions getting the best of me and me spending my night with some tears on my pillow.
Tonight has been one of those nights.
Last night my best friend spent the night with me and it was SO SO nice having him back. I didnt have to sleep alone and I had someone fun around to keep my spirits up. I didnt feel so lonely even though I was terribly drained and didnt feel like doing anything but laying down. He helped me with my car, having him help was amazing. We did in a few hours what would take me at least a week to do. One stress off my plate and it was fun having an assistant.

But in the end I was an emotional mess. When it was closer for him to leave I started crying and pouring out emotions. He was there for me the best he could, part of it was that I missed him and part of it was I was disappointed that we didnt do more fun things because I felt crumby (to say it mildly). I love it when he spends the night and we stay up half the night watching movies and playing games, this visit was a bit more on the mild side and I was spacey for most of it.
After he left I walked back into the house and cried again. It was just too many emotions for my tired body.
Christmas and christmas eve were similar. Had lots of fun doing things with friends and family but at the same time I wanted to be at home in bed crying. I wanted to be enjoying the traditional games at my friends house, but I just couldn't get into it.
Then I get upset for not being able to enjoy things. I want too so bad. Its just so frustrating that I always feel like Im looking through a snow globe at the outside world. I want to jump in and join and be a part of the fun and games.
Not sit on the sidelines staring off into space.

E has been great talking to this week. He called me the evening of Christmas day and we talked for over two hours. Because I was laying in my bed, in my quiet safe place, it was easy. I didnt enjoy it like a normal person would but its okay because he has the same feelings I do. The things he enjoys, really isn't the same. Things are more...pleasant or nice...not exciting or joyful, sometimes its better to be doing an activity than twiddling our thumbs in the corner, even if we dont really feel the effects of it.
When im in my safe place like that though, I feel more at ease and its easier to get enjoyment out of things.

Im planning on going to church tomorrow, ive gotten really really bad at actually going to church anymore. Its a push to even do that. My best friend will be there, and another good friend whom I love needs a ride to church so I am picking him up beforehand , its good for me. I just wish I had the energy and stamina to enjoy it. and the brain to remember whatever the pastor speaks on.

It amazes me how one week I can be doing 85-95% normal and the next week feel like im dying. I wish some of these new supplements would kick in a little more. but the dr told me it could take 6 weeks or so...(i think. idk i can't remember)