Well I haven't yet given an update for December. I had a successful trip to my doctor in Kansas. I was doing fairly well actually after leaving the clinic, I was less annoyed all the time and much less symptomatic overall. For a change I was smiling much more often, which I feel has been a rarity for me. It seems there is always something to fry my circuits.
No miracles, but I was feeling better....but then I caught the flu. The good news is I was only sick for 4-5 days which is very short for the flu and I never puked. Last time I had the flu I was sick for two weeks and threw up for those two weeks. Not this time. The bad news is it still just beat my system down, my fever stuck around 103 F and I was incapable of eating much at all. So, I am still recovering from this wonderful event...
I don't seem to catch regular person sicknesses often, outside of a few colds a year. I especially don't catch something and run a high fever, so Im not entirely sure what to think of all this. Maybe I was just do for it this year, the good news is if this was really the flu I should be fairly immune to it for the next seven years or so. Thats one fact people rarely get told, if you contract the flu your immunity is built up for about seven years worth of flu strains. This doesn't hold true for the vaccine. I don't know if its all true, but its been about 10 years since I have had the flu last.
Lately I feel dragged down. My bones hurt, especially my fingers and knees. I have low motivation, honestly if it didn't bore me I would never leave my bed and I would watch tv all day. The bad news for me is I despise sitting around...though I don't have the energy to do much else. So I just wing it.
Also since being sick last week, I keep blowing blood out of my nose. This aint right...I have never been prone to nose bleeds...now its been bleeding for two days straight. My body is so weird.
Its starting to occur to me how long this has been going on, next month will be my seven year anniversary since getting sick. Its mentally draining to think that this is still going on...I can't believe it.
I want to be human again, I want to be happy again. I hate this annoyance towards everything I feel all the time. Things will change one day...but when?
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Saturday, December 30, 2017
December trip to Kansas
This month I had my seventh visit to Wichita to see my doctor for a week. It went well, I think we finally made a couple break throughs. It sure sounded like it during the appointments and we are focusing more so on some issues that have not been addressed with focus before.
This has been a long struggling year... I do not know what happened to me but Ive just broken. I am praying that 2018 will be filled with more smiles and fewer symptoms.
Day 1-
This has been a long struggling year... I do not know what happened to me but Ive just broken. I am praying that 2018 will be filled with more smiles and fewer symptoms.
Day 1-
We went over my blood work, a few good improvements. My iron and ferritin are no longer high. My iron has been 40 points too high on all of the blood work I have had this year, so for it to drop right back to where it should be is great. it had been resting around 201, now its 126.
My parasite markers have also improved, last time they were at 10, this time they are at 4, 0-3 is the goal. This is great, I am just barely out of range for this.
My cholesterol dropped again, still hanging much lower than it should be.
Other than that my blood work is still slowly improving.
My parasite markers have also improved, last time they were at 10, this time they are at 4, 0-3 is the goal. This is great, I am just barely out of range for this.
My cholesterol dropped again, still hanging much lower than it should be.
Other than that my blood work is still slowly improving.
We also went over my hormone panel. This dramatically improved. All of my hormones are about where they should be. Now the only ones off enough to count are my adrenals, in the afternoon they are optimal, but in the morning they are low and at night they are high. This is why I cant fall asleep early or wake up early.
This week we will be working on gut issues and parasites as these have been my most problematic issues.
Today we talked about the methylation cycle, which is the cycle of breaking down nutrients and neutralizing toxins. I have followed a methylation protocol in the past without any notable results. This time its a bit different, he tested to see which chemicals were built up in my system and he tested to see which supplements would clear these out. This current protocol he has me following is a newer program, it is not the traditional methylation protocol that you may have read about before(for those that are familiar). Instead of taking a full shotgun approach and testing all my genes and treating anything possibly defective, we are treating only what is tested as problematic.
He explained to me that in the past he has gotten poor results with the standard methylation protocol, about 80% of his patients had no change and 10% got worse. In this updated version the protocol is more individualized, so it will not overload my system making me sick and it will not miss anything making me sicker.
Today we talked about the methylation cycle, which is the cycle of breaking down nutrients and neutralizing toxins. I have followed a methylation protocol in the past without any notable results. This time its a bit different, he tested to see which chemicals were built up in my system and he tested to see which supplements would clear these out. This current protocol he has me following is a newer program, it is not the traditional methylation protocol that you may have read about before(for those that are familiar). Instead of taking a full shotgun approach and testing all my genes and treating anything possibly defective, we are treating only what is tested as problematic.
He explained to me that in the past he has gotten poor results with the standard methylation protocol, about 80% of his patients had no change and 10% got worse. In this updated version the protocol is more individualized, so it will not overload my system making me sick and it will not miss anything making me sicker.
Today he started me on N-acetyl cysteine, Coq10, Fish oil, Vitamin K2 and K7, Vitamin D, B complex, Total Chelate, and Zinc.
All of these are low dose, most are just 1 capsule a day. Several are temporary, the Total Chelate I know will only be for a few months. It primarily helps the body detox metals and minerals that are harmful.
All of these are low dose, most are just 1 capsule a day. Several are temporary, the Total Chelate I know will only be for a few months. It primarily helps the body detox metals and minerals that are harmful.
He was telling me about how he personally started on this protocol a few weeks ago and has had great results. After work he's been going to the gym for an hour 5 days a week, without feeling sore or beat up afterwords.
He explained to me that lactic acid is one of the chemicals broken down by the methylation cycle, so by improving the cycle it is harder for the lactic acid to over build.
He explained to me that lactic acid is one of the chemicals broken down by the methylation cycle, so by improving the cycle it is harder for the lactic acid to over build.
Exercise intolerance has been a fairly unchanged issue for me, so it will be interesting to see if this begins to change over the next few months.
Day 2-
Today was an easy day. The doctor primarily worked on some structural issues with my muscles and neck. I have been having a lot of headaches recently, Ive had one everyday I have been here in Kansas so far.
The bands of muscle around my stomach are very tight, which is contributing to my not being able to eat. He's working on breaking all of the fascia loose to release the muscles.
He found one of the contributors to my muscular issues is poor circulation. Which is also contributing to my headaches. So he added two things today, one of which I had already been taking and I will only take it for about a week. The other supplement is specifically for my heart and circulation. It is supposed to strengthen the heart muscle to repair any damage it has taken on from the lyme.
The bands of muscle around my stomach are very tight, which is contributing to my not being able to eat. He's working on breaking all of the fascia loose to release the muscles.
He found one of the contributors to my muscular issues is poor circulation. Which is also contributing to my headaches. So he added two things today, one of which I had already been taking and I will only take it for about a week. The other supplement is specifically for my heart and circulation. It is supposed to strengthen the heart muscle to repair any damage it has taken on from the lyme.
Overall I have been very worn out today, I had a headache most of this morning and afternoon that wore me out. I took a short nap this afternoon for a while, that helped.
Day 3-
So yesterday afternoon I wasn't feeling so great. My heart was beating out of my chest and overall just not entirely pleasant. I was up most of last night and didn't sleep too great.
At my doctors appointment we worked on a couple hormonal things. He found my adrenaline was spiking, causing my heart to race. This was a side effect of starting on the B complex, the B vitamins weren't being absorbed correctly. So he made a homeopathic blend for me to take to help my bodies metabolism of B vitamins. Today this issue has been much improved. He also found some metal toxicity going on in my kidneys, most likely a side effect of some of the supplements started earlier this week. Along with the metals there was some kind of mold/fungus toxicity going on, so he made a homeopathic blend to combat that also.
So after yesterdays appointment there was a lot of different things flipped around in my system that made me feel not so great.
I was the last patient of the day for my doctor, so he spent another hour just talking to mom and I. That was a lot of fun, we may get to do that again tomorrow too.
At my doctors appointment we worked on a couple hormonal things. He found my adrenaline was spiking, causing my heart to race. This was a side effect of starting on the B complex, the B vitamins weren't being absorbed correctly. So he made a homeopathic blend for me to take to help my bodies metabolism of B vitamins. Today this issue has been much improved. He also found some metal toxicity going on in my kidneys, most likely a side effect of some of the supplements started earlier this week. Along with the metals there was some kind of mold/fungus toxicity going on, so he made a homeopathic blend to combat that also.
So after yesterdays appointment there was a lot of different things flipped around in my system that made me feel not so great.
I was the last patient of the day for my doctor, so he spent another hour just talking to mom and I. That was a lot of fun, we may get to do that again tomorrow too.
Day 4-
Todays doctors appointment was a bit more complicated than the last few days. After the last stressful 24 hours my body was showing a lot of disregulation to be fixed. He found some more hormonal things, fairly minor compared to how they have been in the past. My neurotransmitters were also all out of whack, which were the main culprits as to why I haven't felt so hot. I was low on dopamine, serotonin, acetyl choline, and gaba. Without these neurotransmitters its not possible to think straight, focus, sleep, nothin. He found the root of all of this to be in my gut, so instead of supplementing with replacement neurotransmitters he's given me a homeopathic to help heal this imbalance in my stomach.
Whatever happened to my stomach that we began treating today probably started to occur back in March, thats when I began having all of the symptoms of low neurotransmitters. So..unless we have several more layers to work through with my gut, today could be a potential turn around point.
I also tested negative for parasites today, this is a first. Of course this is subject to change and he may have me take a mild anti parasitic for a little bit longer just to keep away a recurring infection. But progress has been made.
Day 5-
On the final day we only worked on a couple minor things, mostly autoimmune related. Having bacteria in my system for several years causing issues has messed up how my body reacts to pathogens as a whole. So some of my symptoms now are caused by the autoimmune aspect of being chronically ill.
He has me taking two things for this. After this last trip I am once again taking a dozen or two bottles of supplements. After I left I was beginning to feel a bit better, less fatigue, better mood, and I was starting to gain a foot hold with how I felt overall.
Then last week I contracted the flu, Im over it now but still recovering which unfortunately means I don't really feel much different than pre KS right now.
He has me taking two things for this. After this last trip I am once again taking a dozen or two bottles of supplements. After I left I was beginning to feel a bit better, less fatigue, better mood, and I was starting to gain a foot hold with how I felt overall.
Then last week I contracted the flu, Im over it now but still recovering which unfortunately means I don't really feel much different than pre KS right now.
I am hoping that in the next few days I will begin to recover and for real start feeling healthier overall. Because right now Im worn out and my bones hurt.
The prognosis from this last evaluation is that I am most likely nearing the end of this whole ordeal. He's given me the option as to how long I want to wait to return to KS, depending on how I hold up Ill be going back over spring break in March or during the summer after school has ended.
My doctor is pleased with my progress, he said there is no need to retest some of the labs we have run in the past because they are now returning favorable enough results.
Now I just need to feel these better results....
My doctor is pleased with my progress, he said there is no need to retest some of the labs we have run in the past because they are now returning favorable enough results.
Now I just need to feel these better results....
June Trip to Kansas
Ok so, I have been saying for months that I would post my last trip to Kansas that I forgot.
Im finally getting my act together and blogging about it.
Day 1-
Im finally getting my act together and blogging about it.
Day 1-
Todays doctor visit went well, he spent around an hour and half with me. He went over my most recent blood tests, they are still slowly improving. Last time around we cut down on parasite treatment, this time around we are ramping that back up. Mycoplasma, parasites, and possibly heavy metals are the issues so far. My good cholesterol is still hanging lower than it should be, we may be addressing that this week . The body has to have cholesterol to build tissues and hormones, so without it, hormones can go out of control. My adrenals have improved, they are not 100% yet but they are getting better even since my last visit. Tomorrow he will be going on my hormone results more in depth so I will know more on what the plan for those will be.
He tested my reaction on all of the remedies I had been taking, most of them still tested beneficial so I will be continuing on them.
He did start me on several new things today, in total I have 13 supplements to take at the moment.
He tested my reaction on all of the remedies I had been taking, most of them still tested beneficial so I will be continuing on them.
He did start me on several new things today, in total I have 13 supplements to take at the moment.
The parasites are the cause of my recent fatigue that just continues to hang on. The mycoplasma is most likely what has been causing my recent gut issues.
Day 2-
This morning the doctor went over the CRT test results with us. Everything is still improving since last time even though I haven't been feeling so great. My gut, liver, and adrenals are all looking good. My kidneys are still taking a hit and also my sinuses, both of which have been an issue to some degree the entire time.
Today he mainly worked on my spine using the percussor and adjustor. He said this time around my back needed some work for sure, so today was dedicated to that. He did not add any new supplements today, it is likely tomorrow he will add more. Tomorrow he will be going over hormone results with me and he mentioned he may have a few exercises for me to start working on. Last time around he mentioned trying some exercises but then I got so sick we pushed it to the side.
Today he mainly worked on my spine using the percussor and adjustor. He said this time around my back needed some work for sure, so today was dedicated to that. He did not add any new supplements today, it is likely tomorrow he will add more. Tomorrow he will be going over hormone results with me and he mentioned he may have a few exercises for me to start working on. Last time around he mentioned trying some exercises but then I got so sick we pushed it to the side.
Right now I am still feeling well, very tired and worn out but not sick.
Day 3-
Hi all, today went well. It was just me and the doctor today, he told mom to sit out this appointment. This is the first time I have ever done that here, and it went well. Part of the time he went over the hormone results but he had already spoken to me about them during my phone consult with him a month ago. He did run through some of his testing to see where he could find some of the root of the imbalances we had tested for. It mainly showed up as emotions causing the hormone imbalance.
He found several homeopathics to remedy the causes. When he was done testing which remedies I needed he told me what each individual remedy would normally be used for. For me the remedies were for brain fog, over mental stimulation, fear, excess exertion, self doubt, OCD, and several other things. Some were expected like the brain fog over stimulation, but the others like self doubt and OCD were a bit surprising.
He said basically what I should expect to notice is before long my brain will start to calm down when the emotions begin to release, most of the emotions are affecting me on a subconscious level-not so much day to day.
Because the emotions were tied to hormones, once the emotions begin resolving my hormones should begin improving.
My hormone results this time around were low DHEA, which is created by the adrenals. He says this tends to go either low or high when the adrenals out of balance. Low is the better of the two, and mine isn't low enough to need to be corrected. Last time my hormones were tested my DHEA was too high.
Testosterone was to high, last time it was sky high this time its just a few points out of range. DHEA being high is what causes testosterone to skyrocket, when the body has to get rid of excess DHEA it gets turned into estrogen and testosterone.
My estrogen 2 was to high, last time it was also much much higher than it should have been because of the high DHEA. This time it is closer to in range but it will still need to be watched.
All of my hormone imbalances tie back to the adrenals being stressed, which is normal in anyone who is chronically ill. The adrenals are responsible for creating most of the hormones in the body, so when they are over taxed for a long period of time bad things start happening like chronic fatigue syndrome and hormone imbalances.
He found several homeopathics to remedy the causes. When he was done testing which remedies I needed he told me what each individual remedy would normally be used for. For me the remedies were for brain fog, over mental stimulation, fear, excess exertion, self doubt, OCD, and several other things. Some were expected like the brain fog over stimulation, but the others like self doubt and OCD were a bit surprising.
He said basically what I should expect to notice is before long my brain will start to calm down when the emotions begin to release, most of the emotions are affecting me on a subconscious level-not so much day to day.
Because the emotions were tied to hormones, once the emotions begin resolving my hormones should begin improving.
My hormone results this time around were low DHEA, which is created by the adrenals. He says this tends to go either low or high when the adrenals out of balance. Low is the better of the two, and mine isn't low enough to need to be corrected. Last time my hormones were tested my DHEA was too high.
Testosterone was to high, last time it was sky high this time its just a few points out of range. DHEA being high is what causes testosterone to skyrocket, when the body has to get rid of excess DHEA it gets turned into estrogen and testosterone.
My estrogen 2 was to high, last time it was also much much higher than it should have been because of the high DHEA. This time it is closer to in range but it will still need to be watched.
All of my hormone imbalances tie back to the adrenals being stressed, which is normal in anyone who is chronically ill. The adrenals are responsible for creating most of the hormones in the body, so when they are over taxed for a long period of time bad things start happening like chronic fatigue syndrome and hormone imbalances.
The hormone tests also showed my adrenal health has improved, a few years ago I was tested and I was in phase 3 out of 4 adrenal fatigue. Now I am down to phase 1, so not to far off from what they should be.
Tonight is probably my best night this week as far as symptoms go, still extremely tired after finishing up at the clinic but i can live with that.
Day 4-
Today was another productive visit with the doctor. We were talking about brain fog this morning, one of the issues I've had on my blood work is low cholesterol. Guess what feeds the brain? cholesterol. So he started testing me on some things this morning, he tested me for a straight up cholesterol supplement but that wasn't was I needed. However, I did need a ketone supplement. He added this ketone supplement to the mix and proceeded to test my reactions....and once the ketones were added several new things popped up. Hormones came up again and so did kidneys, so he added a couple more things to the mix and that corrected everything.
I do not digest fats well, I crave fats and I need more fats. Fats are used by the liver, our brains are literally made from fat, and our body burns fat for energy. By getting my body into a ketogenic mode and by taking ketones, all of the sudden this cholesterol and hormone problem which has been slow to resolve-fixed. The doctor himself was surprised at todays outcomes, he explained it all to us and how this works but he was surprised that so many different things were corrected by this small change.
We hadn't even planned on going into hormones at all anymore, but that came up once again. E1/2/3/, ACTH, growth hormone, testosterone, and maybe one or two other hormones flagged and were corrected today. So today we may have knocked out brain fog and hormonal issues, time will tell but this looks like its going to be a big hit.
I do not digest fats well, I crave fats and I need more fats. Fats are used by the liver, our brains are literally made from fat, and our body burns fat for energy. By getting my body into a ketogenic mode and by taking ketones, all of the sudden this cholesterol and hormone problem which has been slow to resolve-fixed. The doctor himself was surprised at todays outcomes, he explained it all to us and how this works but he was surprised that so many different things were corrected by this small change.
We hadn't even planned on going into hormones at all anymore, but that came up once again. E1/2/3/, ACTH, growth hormone, testosterone, and maybe one or two other hormones flagged and were corrected today. So today we may have knocked out brain fog and hormonal issues, time will tell but this looks like its going to be a big hit.
Day 5-
Todays doctor visit was focused on food sensitivities. He checked through all of his tests and I had 20 something food sensitivities, I did not test strait out allergic to anything but these 20 something items were causing an inflammatory response.
Because of how they treat these issues at the clinic, I don't have to worry about what foods I was sensitive too. He makes a remedy to counteract the reaction response my body has-and thats it. The remedy will negate any effects from those foods and will turn off that incorrect alarm response entirely once its taken full effect.
He went through to check any side of affects of this inflammatory response my body would have, it tied back to the adrenals. So energy would be affected by these sensitivities.
He also did a quick check for anything else I could be allergic to, I tested reactive to the metals in the chicken pox vaccine. he had me take a couple of homeopathic remedies to counteract that reaction. This one though was a one time occurrence as far as treatment goes, one dose was enough to stop that alarm reaction entirely. It also tied back to the adrenals and also the pituitary, which controls hormones.
Because of how they treat these issues at the clinic, I don't have to worry about what foods I was sensitive too. He makes a remedy to counteract the reaction response my body has-and thats it. The remedy will negate any effects from those foods and will turn off that incorrect alarm response entirely once its taken full effect.
He went through to check any side of affects of this inflammatory response my body would have, it tied back to the adrenals. So energy would be affected by these sensitivities.
He also did a quick check for anything else I could be allergic to, I tested reactive to the metals in the chicken pox vaccine. he had me take a couple of homeopathic remedies to counteract that reaction. This one though was a one time occurrence as far as treatment goes, one dose was enough to stop that alarm reaction entirely. It also tied back to the adrenals and also the pituitary, which controls hormones.
He checked my gallbladder today also, nothing pinging. One of the remedies he gave me early in the week has something in it for mild gallbladder support and that was enough.
He also checked thyroid, once again nothing came up. So today the doctor visit ended a few minutes early because he had covered all of the bases, my body wasn't screaming about anything else.
He also checked thyroid, once again nothing came up. So today the doctor visit ended a few minutes early because he had covered all of the bases, my body wasn't screaming about anything else.
All in all I counted up my supplements tonight, 5 liquids, 1 powder, and 16 pill bottles ending up with about 35-40ish pills a day for the next 60 days.
He is also going to have me follow to the ketogenic diet for a little while to see if that lifts my brain fog. This diet is a fat/protein based diet, both of which feed the brain. This is also a fairly good gut rebuilding diet because it limits sugars.
He is also going to have me follow to the ketogenic diet for a little while to see if that lifts my brain fog. This diet is a fat/protein based diet, both of which feed the brain. This is also a fairly good gut rebuilding diet because it limits sugars.
And here it all is. The original plan from here was to actually begin recovering and return in December to do a recheck.
This did not happen though, I returned in October to be seen again because I was feeling so poorly...
So I went to the clinic in July, October, and again this month.
Friday, November 24, 2017
Those are my two feet. I will stand on them.
I hope you all have had a great thanksgiving week! During this season we get time to spend with friends and family. It’s a shame that we have to wait for a holiday to be around our friends and family, but that just makes it all the more special.
I have had a better week this week which I am glad to report. I like to say something positive every so often, I hate feeling so negative all the time. I do not like negativity one bit. That’s something that I miss the most, being positive and looking forward. Hard days have only gotten harder. Fear has only dug deeper. Fear...fear has grown in me in more ways than I ever knew possible. I always have had faith that I will be okay one day, whether it be that I live a healthy life on earth or in heaven. Suffering isn’t forever and I have never doubted that.
What I have learned is how many different types of mental suffering one could experience-all at once. I have become so afraid of others judgement and opinions, I have become so paranoid of everything around every corner, paranoid that my friends are just being sympathetic towards my cause and they are just temporary, and most of all afraid that I will never get “me” back in one piece. I don’t like the idea of never exactly being myself again, I know that my body will be healthy again but I do fear that I will have “battle scars” I guess you could say. I used to feel like being sick had built me up in many ways. I have lost this feeling, I am sad to say. I feel like the events of this year have turned me bitter and pathetic.
I don’t know where all of these thoughts came from. I don’t know when they started. I know I never purposely welcomed them in, but maybe I did by accident ? Sometimes I wish I did have a twin, someone right beside me every minute of the day who knew what I was supposed to be like and could see when something was turning south. I used to catch it, like oh no this ain’t right I need to be working on these thoughts and these emotions. Something broke in me and I lost that too. I lost my personal monitor for keeping up with what’s running through me. Seeing as I am a chronic insomniac I spend a significant amount of time awake at night thinking(I know that’s the worst time to think). Seeing as I sleep alone also means that all this thinking that leads to my fears and rampant emotions means no one is around to see that I am torturing myself by accident. My quiet time at night used to be spent reading and calming my mind. Oftentimes my reading would be other Lyme blogs, those are always so encouraging to read. Well, brain fog said no to reading for about the last eight months. So my quiet relaxing time has diminished and anxiety moved right on in and took its place. If anxiety had a face it’d be a smiling, greedy little devil. It just showed up one day and started stirring the trouble that it causes-also unwelcomed.
This week I have tried to get back to calming my brain down a bit. Since I started skipping some of my meds every day my brain is starting to allow reading again. While this window of opportunity is open, I’m getting back to reading some old blogs that have traditionally been encouraging. So the one I’ve been flipping through is Ticks and Trust by Shannon Goertzen. Yesterday I sent this post to several friends of mine, who I share Lyme things with. It was recieved well, as you can imagine with fear and anxiety being an issue sharing personal things is something that I am wary about. The post just explains so well what I am feeling and what everyone with chronic Lyme probably feels. I can’t not share it, it’d be a disservice. Reading through Shannon’s blog has certainly helped me to gain some of my confidence back. It’s reminded me that I’m not just hurting and suffering, I’m fighting and digging in my heels. I may be out of sorts constantly, in pain, and foggy but I am fighting and I am winning.
I am still here am I not?? I don’t have any reason to not be here anymore. This disease isn’t going to kill me, it doesn’t have my permsion to do that. I am not in that bad of shape, my brain isn’t itself whatsoever and my body is right behind it. I still work and I still go to school, I have never had to call in sick to work. Never. So I can’t be doing that bad. At least physically.
I just have to keep digging in my heels and reminding myself of the things I have to be thankful for. When I first started going south earlier this year I quickly became thankful for what I had. This time of year, however, everyone is talking about what they are thankful for and that does my dusty mind some good at being grateful. It gives me excuses to tell people why I’m thankful and it also inspires me of what I have to be thankful for that I may not have noticed. Something else that comes with this season is time off from work and school that I can spend with my family and friends. So I have something new to be thankful for right now. My friends are my number 1 support system, they get me through the worst of days whether they even know it’s a bad day or not. Usually all that’s visible is how much I talk out loud, the worse I feel the quieter I am. Other than that it’s not always very visible that I’m floating south.
I can say this also, since I started to rethink my school decisions for next year my depression has disappeared. Last week I decided maybe I should follow my best friend to school next year, him d I have talked about it and he seems to love the idea. Allowing myself to even think about going off to school and unleashing myself from the teather that Lyme has kept me on has been very freeing. I’d be with my best friend so I should be safe, he’s been with me sick before. Even so, by the time I would be leaving for school next year I should be out of this funk. Some of the stress that has been a contributing factor to the severity of my health decline is gone and will stay gone. So now I am in a recovery period of sorts. Stress isn’t what put me in decline, or at least as a whole. But it’s been a major contribution I believe.
Naturally, thinking about following my friend and going off to school has sparked a couple dozen fears about the situation. #1 being that I am only going off to school because people will think I can’t let go of my friend. The school in question was actually my goal way back when I thought I would be 100% healthy when I entered college. So it would be like going back to an old dream, opening a box that I thought had long been closed and locked. Now the box has been opened and this time I have a best friend to go with it, I didn’t when this was my original plan. Actually I wouldn’t have ever met him most likely if I left for this school my first year of college.
So I am trying to use these thoughts to encourage myself, if this is meant to be, that I am making a good choice.
Like I said, since I started playing around with this my depression disappeared. Remnants still poke around, but I haven’t had any for real depression since. That was more than a week ago now.
Fears of being judged are at an all time high but this too shall pass. I figured all I can do right now is apply to the school and wait. Either I’ll get in or a I won’t and that’ll be that.
I just keep on praying. I am praying for guidance and healing. I am praying for others that are suffering(Rebekah Miller and the Goertzen family among those), I am praying for my uninvited house guests-depression, anxiety, fear, and sadness to be banished without a trace
I have faith that all of these prayers will be answered, I don’t know how or when they will be answered. If I did I guess that would be a wish, not a prayer. I’m not much into the wishing business...now that’s something I don’t have faith in.
I am also praying that this week has inspired thankfulness to be in your heart this week. I have found many things to be thankful for that my issues have prevented me from seeing. Being around others of a like mind tends to make the old wheels turn and new thoughts appear!
I just keep on praying. I am praying for guidance and healing. I am praying for others that are suffering(Rebekah Miller and the Goertzen family among those), I am praying for my uninvited house guests-depression, anxiety, fear, and sadness to be banished without a trace
I have faith that all of these prayers will be answered, I don’t know how or when they will be answered. If I did I guess that would be a wish, not a prayer. I’m not much into the wishing business...now that’s something I don’t have faith in.
I am also praying that this week has inspired thankfulness to be in your heart this week. I have found many things to be thankful for that my issues have prevented me from seeing. Being around others of a like mind tends to make the old wheels turn and new thoughts appear!
Monday, November 20, 2017
Claustrophobic
Lately I’m just feeling trapped. Like nothing at all is going right and nothing will ever change. I’m just stuck in my own skin with my own set of issues that no one can seem to help me with. I don’t get it.
Everytime I try to find something to be positive about, something worse happens. Whenever I start to feel a little better something new comes up. I started skipping doses off my meds, instead of taking the anti parasitics twice a day I’m doing it once now. It was just getting way to overwhelming for me to handle, I’ve never done this before. I’ve always been able to power through feeing worse and herxes. But daily life is just getting too extreme and unenjoyable for me to handle. I’m only human and my human weakness is only showing brighter these days.
My depression has virtually gone away since I started reducing my meds, I wasn’t feeling too bad for a few days last week. I liked it, I praised God for the break. But now agitation and aggravation has taken the place of depression. I’m constantly annoyed and nothing ever feels good enough. At night I lay awake listening to all of my thoughts about why I’m not good enough and that if I tried harder I wouldn’t feel so sick. If I wasn’t so needy I wouldn’t be so discontent. If I was appreciative I would be happy and grateful for what I have. If I didn’t screw up so much good things would actually happen. Instead I attract bad things and failures because I don’t work hard enough and I don’t do everything like I should.
I can’t get away from all this. I can always find a reason for something not going my way. The biggest thing bugging me right now is my best friend told me he can’t come to Kansas to be with me during treatment. He’s getting his wisdom teeth taken out instead, not fun at all for him either. But out of all the times to schedule it had to be then...on top of that another friend of mine will be having foot surgery while I’m at the clinic next. So I’ll have two friends going under the knife while I’m in Kansas and I won’t be able to be there for them either. They’ll be knocked out while I’m getting sick from treatment so I won’t have anyone to talk to...and I won’t be able to be around them because I’m in another state. It’s just screwed up.
I’m not looking forward to more treatment...I can’t comtinue on with this herxing. Going back will mean new meds and more herxing. If I’m still herxing this bad from my last round of supplements I know I still have a ways to go...
It just bugs me so much how everyone else can do enjoyable things, or find enjoyment in anything...while I’m trying to enjoy anything at all. I have a fun job and I have great friends, even though these days they are rather hard to access. It shouldn’t be seemingly impossible to smile. Why do I have to be agitated all the time?
I don’t know what I could do differently...but I’m obviously doing it all wrong....
Everytime I try to find something to be positive about, something worse happens. Whenever I start to feel a little better something new comes up. I started skipping doses off my meds, instead of taking the anti parasitics twice a day I’m doing it once now. It was just getting way to overwhelming for me to handle, I’ve never done this before. I’ve always been able to power through feeing worse and herxes. But daily life is just getting too extreme and unenjoyable for me to handle. I’m only human and my human weakness is only showing brighter these days.
My depression has virtually gone away since I started reducing my meds, I wasn’t feeling too bad for a few days last week. I liked it, I praised God for the break. But now agitation and aggravation has taken the place of depression. I’m constantly annoyed and nothing ever feels good enough. At night I lay awake listening to all of my thoughts about why I’m not good enough and that if I tried harder I wouldn’t feel so sick. If I wasn’t so needy I wouldn’t be so discontent. If I was appreciative I would be happy and grateful for what I have. If I didn’t screw up so much good things would actually happen. Instead I attract bad things and failures because I don’t work hard enough and I don’t do everything like I should.
I can’t get away from all this. I can always find a reason for something not going my way. The biggest thing bugging me right now is my best friend told me he can’t come to Kansas to be with me during treatment. He’s getting his wisdom teeth taken out instead, not fun at all for him either. But out of all the times to schedule it had to be then...on top of that another friend of mine will be having foot surgery while I’m at the clinic next. So I’ll have two friends going under the knife while I’m in Kansas and I won’t be able to be there for them either. They’ll be knocked out while I’m getting sick from treatment so I won’t have anyone to talk to...and I won’t be able to be around them because I’m in another state. It’s just screwed up.
I’m not looking forward to more treatment...I can’t comtinue on with this herxing. Going back will mean new meds and more herxing. If I’m still herxing this bad from my last round of supplements I know I still have a ways to go...
It just bugs me so much how everyone else can do enjoyable things, or find enjoyment in anything...while I’m trying to enjoy anything at all. I have a fun job and I have great friends, even though these days they are rather hard to access. It shouldn’t be seemingly impossible to smile. Why do I have to be agitated all the time?
I don’t know what I could do differently...but I’m obviously doing it all wrong....
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Never Ending Frustration
The amount of pain that Lyme disease has caused me never ceases to amaze me. How? How can one little bacteria kill me like it has. Through and through parts of me have been killed. I don’t dream anymore, I don’t aspire for amazing things like I once did. It’s too painful, because I know that dream will probably get squashed by some physical limitation that I have. I can’t dream anymore...even if I wanted too, what’s out there still? I’m not even sure what I could want besides my health. I love peolle and my friends, I aspire to be the person all of my freinds can come too and lean on. I think I do alright at that. In the end though, it means more to me that I was there than it does to them. They don’t lie awake at night wishing there was someone out there to reach out too when something goes wrong.
I feel like this disease has broken me all the way to my soul. Every time I have hope and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I get side swiped. Life throws a new wrench at me and I have to recollect my whole existence so I can once again learn how to live. I am very grateful I can work and go to school, with success. It is something that I enjoy. I don’t go to a special school by any means whatsoever and my work isn’t necessarily something astounding either. I love my job and I adore the people I work with, but I make 1/4 of what my friends make and I don’t work very much...there’s no where for me to be promoted to, so my job is about as unchanging as it gets. I want to strive for more, a nicer school that is regarded a little higher. I would love to work more hours on more days and make some more money than I’m making, but right now my body can’t do one little bit more. There’s no open opportunity for me to do anything but what I’m doing so for now I am complacent with what I’ve been given. I just wish I was able to strive for more than the baseline.
Tonight has been a hard night. Lots of reminders of what Lyme has done to me have come to my attention, on top of all my meds over running my system leaving me overwhelmed. I am in a lot of pain, depression is eating me, and it is very hard to look up from where I sit...I just don’t know what to do besides pray..
I feel like this disease has broken me all the way to my soul. Every time I have hope and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I get side swiped. Life throws a new wrench at me and I have to recollect my whole existence so I can once again learn how to live. I am very grateful I can work and go to school, with success. It is something that I enjoy. I don’t go to a special school by any means whatsoever and my work isn’t necessarily something astounding either. I love my job and I adore the people I work with, but I make 1/4 of what my friends make and I don’t work very much...there’s no where for me to be promoted to, so my job is about as unchanging as it gets. I want to strive for more, a nicer school that is regarded a little higher. I would love to work more hours on more days and make some more money than I’m making, but right now my body can’t do one little bit more. There’s no open opportunity for me to do anything but what I’m doing so for now I am complacent with what I’ve been given. I just wish I was able to strive for more than the baseline.
Tonight has been a hard night. Lots of reminders of what Lyme has done to me have come to my attention, on top of all my meds over running my system leaving me overwhelmed. I am in a lot of pain, depression is eating me, and it is very hard to look up from where I sit...I just don’t know what to do besides pray..
Friday, November 10, 2017
NP Cancer, Urgent Care talk, and GI RX
This week has been full of doctors appointments. Lots and lots...and it went as pretty much expected, no for sure answers and mostly guesses as to what the problem is.
Monday-nurse practioner. My goal here was to see the NP of my old doctor(who was great) to see if I could get some insight on my stomach problems. I am in almost constant pain and it’s difficult to even drink water, not good. So I took my handful of past labs to the appointment with me. She spent a fair bit of time talking to me and looking over the blood work. She told me she was going to run some more labs and check for h.pylori. Great, I figured I probably have it but this could confirm the suspicion. 1+ point for her. She said by looking over my labs and seeing my history of high iron and high ferritin her opinion was I probably had too much blood in my system. The way she explained it made sense, it could be causing my headaches, joint pain and stomach pain. I thought great, this sounds like an easy fix. +2 points for her. The words she used for this condition was polycythemia Vera, never heard of it but sounds good to me. She’s sending me to a hematologist for further evaluation. Works for me.
She also gave me a script for mebendazole for my parasitic issue, I’ve taken this before with seemingly good results. So I welcomed it. When I finished up with my appointment with her I went into the infusion room to get IV’s of magnesium, vitamin C, and glutathione. Again, very much welcomed because my system must be toxic.
I was there just sitting in the chair, I thought I’m gonna google polycythemia Vera. I know nothing about it and now I may have it, time to educate myself. It’s a cancer! I didn’t get a great understanding of it, but it’s a bone marrow disorder. I thought oh my gosh, I have yet another major health issue...among other things I thought.
So naturally I start speaking to other doctors I know for their opinion of this. I call over to my Kansas doctor and let them know I’ve sent an urgent email. He responds a little later and says that’s a bit of a stretch, that’s a major condition to be diagnosed with and I don’t entirely fit the bill. And 3 other doctors I know said the same. Another thing, polycythemia is mainly only found in people over 60-not even close to me. Even in the elderly it’s very rare. So again, I don’t exactly fit.
Wednesday-ultrasound and urgent care.
The nurse practitioner ordered for me to get an ultrasound of my absomen. Again I thought this was a good idea, maybe it would reveal what is wrong with my stomach. No, ultrasound can’t see the stomach. This was only to look at my gallbladder, which is fine. Well, assumed to be fine because ultrasound doesn’t entirely rule out gallbladder issues either.
So Wednesday afternoon I broke, I was in pain and I was starving. Something has to give here.
Urgent care was easy, no wait and a super nice NP worked with me. The problem is they couldn’t really do much for me besides give me a nausea medication, they were only capable of doing what the original NP did Monday-ultra sound and h. Pylori test. I refused the nausea med because it’s not a solution...just a band aid, no thanks I want to actually fix the problem.
But, I did get a referral for a GI doc. This is good I thought.
Thursday-GI Doctor day. One again, I went in and there was no wait. Super nice and easy to work with PA. She called over and was able to get my ultrasound and h.pylori results, I appreciated how quickly they worked to get me some answers here. The good news slash bad news, the h.pylori was negative and so was the ultrasound. The GI PA said I could take Prilosec for the pain and see if that works, again no thanks it won’t fix it. She said my problem was most likely an ulcer, okay I’ll go with it. Sounds good I guess.
So now that’s where I am, it’s assumed that my stomach issues are because of an ulcer. I am not entirely convinced just because there’s no test or anything to prove it, but after this week I’m sick of tests. I went by the office I work at and picks up some supplements for ulcers and I also stopped by the vitamin store for some aloe juice.
My current protocol is marshmallow root tea, peptobismol, mastic gum, Gastro ULC by apex energetics, and aloe juice with chamomile and other herbs.
In a few days or so I hope to be seeing some change!
The only downfall is that after all these new things for my gut, the mebendazole, and all my other supplements...my body is overloaded. Which unfortunately means I have uncontrollable anxiety that is absolutely driving me up the wall. Not sure what to do about this but I’m loosing my ever living mind over here....but I guess now....we wait...
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Standing in an Empty Room Full of People
Have you ever been talking to someone and thought” wait, the person in front of me is talking and I haven’t heard a single word.” Or maybe felt that you just don’t connect with certain people. That’s what life with my new brain has been. It doesn’t matter who I’m around or where on this earth I am, I feel totally alone. Like a dark black hole of sadness yet desperation. Who could feel alone with a dozen or more people around? Why is this even possible? Why can’t anyone help me?
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?
Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.
Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.
Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*
I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.
Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.
Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said it’s not often, but it’s special to me.
Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.
Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.
I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.
On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things. It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.
In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?
Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.
Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.
Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*
I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.
Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.
Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said it’s not often, but it’s special to me.
Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.
Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.
I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.
On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things. It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.
In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
A Search for Prayer and Response
Hello all, I have yet another roller coaster post of the ups and downs as of late.
Today(technically yesterday the 28th) marks the 10nth anniversary of my best friends moms death from stage four breast cancer, which metastasized to her liver, and bones.
My friend invited me over for dinner tonight to be with his family, we had a nice time of remembrance and fellowship. You see, I did not know my friend during the time of his moms illness, so it was a bit shocking and different for me to be there for this time. Honored to say the least.
At the dinner table his second mom mentioned that she's been watching the celebration of life video, which I have never heard mentioned before. So when I got home this evening, I searched for it and found it. Then I searched the internet for the Obit, which I also found. In the Obit I found a link to a blog, written by my friends mom during her treatment. I never knew it existed. As of yet, no one else knows I have found it, I don't know if I was supposed to find it or not seeing as I have never been told about it. Maybe it was just old news and it never crossed my friends mind because it was ten years ago...
Ive read several pages of the blog thus far, learning tons of information I never knew. It is also very encouraging, even though I know how the blog will end... there are all kinds of positives laced in the posts. Positives that I can understand as a sick person, such as getting better results on blood tests-some of which were barely short of a miracle. One that stands out to me was upon diagnoses her blood test for tumor markers was just short of 3,000 points. after weeks of treatment it was down in the low triple digits, and did drop into normal range. Her liver went from a major issue, blood was going in the reverse direction in the main artery-to normal and functional. Completely healed with a minor side of scaring. I think all of us with a chronic illness pray for test improvements as quick and remarkable as this.
You see, over the last week or two I have been sad that I have never met this woman, so I have prayed a few times that I would get some kind of message from her. Nothing specific, this is actually unlike me...Its rather unusual to pray to God for information from someone who has passed. This blog written by his mom seems to be the answer for that, many of her posts hit home for me giving me a picture of what my friends life was like during this time period. They also shed a positive light on being sick, I mean she was told on day 1-go home and get your affairs in order you won't see Christmas. Hows that for bleak? How do you not become depressed from news such as that? You know what? She saw Christmas in good health, and then she saw it once more. Beat that depression.
I just cannot believe some of the things I have read, keep in mind these posts that I have read so far are 12 years old. Yet some things she said I feel almost like they spoke right too me. I wish I could have been there for my friend during this time, so so so badly. I can never change the fact that we weren't together then, but the writings of his mom make me feel like I was there, I feel more so like I knew her than never knowing her at all. Its not the same as being there, but just the fact that this was real, is much less foreign I guess you could say. She went through a lot and was put through a lot, but she held her faith like a rock. She lived a better quality of life than she was told, she lived much longer than she was told, and she had faith that no matter what the outcome was it would be okay. She knew there was a good chance was going to die sooner than the standard life span of a woman, but she made every bit of that time count. It wasn't wasted on feeling sad or the woe is me thoughts, thats the power of a woman who prays.
Now as I have said in the past depression has become one of my biggest enemies as of this year. I have never had to battle it significantly before. But now I battle depression, sadness, and feelings of total worthlessness daily. After my last visit to Kansas these issues have lessened, but this past week has been particularly rough. I have never stopped praying throughout this journey and I never intend too. Today was an answer to prayers, yet more proof I have no reason to stop praying.
There are many aspects about chronic illness that scare me. It is hard to believe I have been sick for almost seven years now. It is also hard to believe that I am just as afraid now as I was years ago, it seems there is almost always something around to give me a new reason to be afraid. Sometimes these reasons don't exist. Rooted in paranoia. Also a new symptom as of this year.
I often thank God for all of the wonderful people placed in my life, not everyone has this luxury. Some of these people are readers and commenters on this blog such as Rebecca Miller. She never fails to post something encouraging for me, until recently I never thought I needed that much encouragement. All of us who have been placed in a situation with chronic disease should be encouraging one another much more often than the current reality.
I would like to ask for some very specific prayer requests.
I would like for you all to pray that I can fully reconnect to reality, everything now feel dull and I feel distant even on a good day, that my depression will be banished-permanently. its hard to fight when you can't find a reason to, that my kidneys will begin to function normally, and that I will be able to eat and have an appetite like a normal teenage boy.
These are my current biggest roadblocks. I am already on a strong supplement protocol that is showing benefit but I honestly feel that these issues are more spiritual than chemical. I can't explain how, it just is what it is. I have full faith that I becoming sick was no accident and that many great things will come from it. But I do fear what my quality of life and residual damage will be like when my fight with disease is over, what will be permanently gone and what will be recovered.
In honor of my friends mom
Because of my depression, I have learned to appreciate the moments in life that are truly and timelessly special. The one of a kind, never to be repeated again moments.
Today(technically yesterday the 28th) marks the 10nth anniversary of my best friends moms death from stage four breast cancer, which metastasized to her liver, and bones.
My friend invited me over for dinner tonight to be with his family, we had a nice time of remembrance and fellowship. You see, I did not know my friend during the time of his moms illness, so it was a bit shocking and different for me to be there for this time. Honored to say the least.
At the dinner table his second mom mentioned that she's been watching the celebration of life video, which I have never heard mentioned before. So when I got home this evening, I searched for it and found it. Then I searched the internet for the Obit, which I also found. In the Obit I found a link to a blog, written by my friends mom during her treatment. I never knew it existed. As of yet, no one else knows I have found it, I don't know if I was supposed to find it or not seeing as I have never been told about it. Maybe it was just old news and it never crossed my friends mind because it was ten years ago...
Ive read several pages of the blog thus far, learning tons of information I never knew. It is also very encouraging, even though I know how the blog will end... there are all kinds of positives laced in the posts. Positives that I can understand as a sick person, such as getting better results on blood tests-some of which were barely short of a miracle. One that stands out to me was upon diagnoses her blood test for tumor markers was just short of 3,000 points. after weeks of treatment it was down in the low triple digits, and did drop into normal range. Her liver went from a major issue, blood was going in the reverse direction in the main artery-to normal and functional. Completely healed with a minor side of scaring. I think all of us with a chronic illness pray for test improvements as quick and remarkable as this.
You see, over the last week or two I have been sad that I have never met this woman, so I have prayed a few times that I would get some kind of message from her. Nothing specific, this is actually unlike me...Its rather unusual to pray to God for information from someone who has passed. This blog written by his mom seems to be the answer for that, many of her posts hit home for me giving me a picture of what my friends life was like during this time period. They also shed a positive light on being sick, I mean she was told on day 1-go home and get your affairs in order you won't see Christmas. Hows that for bleak? How do you not become depressed from news such as that? You know what? She saw Christmas in good health, and then she saw it once more. Beat that depression.
I just cannot believe some of the things I have read, keep in mind these posts that I have read so far are 12 years old. Yet some things she said I feel almost like they spoke right too me. I wish I could have been there for my friend during this time, so so so badly. I can never change the fact that we weren't together then, but the writings of his mom make me feel like I was there, I feel more so like I knew her than never knowing her at all. Its not the same as being there, but just the fact that this was real, is much less foreign I guess you could say. She went through a lot and was put through a lot, but she held her faith like a rock. She lived a better quality of life than she was told, she lived much longer than she was told, and she had faith that no matter what the outcome was it would be okay. She knew there was a good chance was going to die sooner than the standard life span of a woman, but she made every bit of that time count. It wasn't wasted on feeling sad or the woe is me thoughts, thats the power of a woman who prays.
Now as I have said in the past depression has become one of my biggest enemies as of this year. I have never had to battle it significantly before. But now I battle depression, sadness, and feelings of total worthlessness daily. After my last visit to Kansas these issues have lessened, but this past week has been particularly rough. I have never stopped praying throughout this journey and I never intend too. Today was an answer to prayers, yet more proof I have no reason to stop praying.
There are many aspects about chronic illness that scare me. It is hard to believe I have been sick for almost seven years now. It is also hard to believe that I am just as afraid now as I was years ago, it seems there is almost always something around to give me a new reason to be afraid. Sometimes these reasons don't exist. Rooted in paranoia. Also a new symptom as of this year.
I often thank God for all of the wonderful people placed in my life, not everyone has this luxury. Some of these people are readers and commenters on this blog such as Rebecca Miller. She never fails to post something encouraging for me, until recently I never thought I needed that much encouragement. All of us who have been placed in a situation with chronic disease should be encouraging one another much more often than the current reality.
I would like to ask for some very specific prayer requests.
I would like for you all to pray that I can fully reconnect to reality, everything now feel dull and I feel distant even on a good day, that my depression will be banished-permanently. its hard to fight when you can't find a reason to, that my kidneys will begin to function normally, and that I will be able to eat and have an appetite like a normal teenage boy.
These are my current biggest roadblocks. I am already on a strong supplement protocol that is showing benefit but I honestly feel that these issues are more spiritual than chemical. I can't explain how, it just is what it is. I have full faith that I becoming sick was no accident and that many great things will come from it. But I do fear what my quality of life and residual damage will be like when my fight with disease is over, what will be permanently gone and what will be recovered.
In honor of my friends mom
Because of my depression, I have learned to appreciate the moments in life that are truly and timelessly special. The one of a kind, never to be repeated again moments.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Hansa Round 5 days 1-2
I am going to go ahead and post about my doctors visits from today and yesterday, I know I still haven't posted my 4th visit to the clinic. Ill get to it one day.
Day 1-
Day 1-
OK so on to today's visit, #1 among all things from the doctors testing and my blood work-parasites. So again, we are at it treating those with new things, so far he hasn't said if they were digestive or blood parasites. As far as their effects, they are causing issues in my whole system not just something here or there.
Something unique that muscle testing can find is "attachments" or "entities", that's what he found on me today, negative energy attached to the parasites. The remedy he made for me was to clear the negativity from my system and disconnect the connection it had on me. This surprised me, yet didn't surprise me. I have been so dark and depressed...much more than ever before. After he gave me the remedy I felt happier, for the rest of the day I was able to laugh and have fun even though I felt garbagy still.
I have never had anyone tell me this before. Something interesting, last week I visited my friend who does muscle testing, shes been helping me out some since I have not been able to see my doctor. She couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, we ended up down meaningless rabbit trails, no answers, and I was completely untestable. We tried for two hours to figure out what was up in my system, nothing. We didn't check for attachments though, and thats what the test block was.
He made a new remedy for those today, once again this is a completely new and different treatment than before. In other words we are treating a different aspect of the whole parasitic, its not necessarily anything new as far as infections go. Parasites take a while to get rid of because they are very unique, bacteria and virus are hard but in their own separate aspect. If you have a strong functioning immune system, you wont pickup a virus or bacteria, and if you do they wont be capable of sticking in your system for long.
Lyme disease is a bacteria and it is hard to get rid of because it is capable of disarming and destroying immune cells, infecting the entire body but nonetheless it can be killed.
Here's what makes parasites unique, they are a living breathing multicellular organism just like an animal. They are capable of harboring their own set of bacteria, virus, metals, just like people. Parasites have their own brain, blood system, and digestive system unlike bacteria and virus. So when a person becomes infected with parasites and takes a treatment, the parasites are killed but then they release whatever pathogens or toxins they were carrying. You can take a standard X drug for Y parasite for years, you will never be able to kill every single one of them with a drug and you will have strong side effects from the dying parasites.
In the way I am being treated, the side effects, the parasites, and the communication between my body and the parasites are being addressed.
That's another thing that makes parasites unique, they have to have a host to survive. When they infect a person or an animal, they release chemicals that stop your body from recognizing them so they can fly under the radar. So the communication aspect has to be addressed as well, you will never find a standard doctor or naturopath capable of treating this. It takes a specialized doctor like mine who can do specialized testing to see what the pathogens are doing and what will stop them, there is no set protocol for this. Its mostly homeopathic treatment to disconnect the connection of the parasites to my system, herbs and drugs will mainly just kill. The thing is, you cant just kill parasites, they become resistant and they hide. They can even incase themselves in cysts which can't be killed.
So that was the majority of todays appointment, he made one remedy to cover everything involved with the parasitic ordeal, tomorrow he will test again to see what else needs to be done. My body actually tested at saturation today, which means we covered everything possible for the day-no more. My doctor said that is a pretty big deal because that means this new treatment is powerful enough to negate everything else.
Lyme disease is a bacteria and it is hard to get rid of because it is capable of disarming and destroying immune cells, infecting the entire body but nonetheless it can be killed.
Here's what makes parasites unique, they are a living breathing multicellular organism just like an animal. They are capable of harboring their own set of bacteria, virus, metals, just like people. Parasites have their own brain, blood system, and digestive system unlike bacteria and virus. So when a person becomes infected with parasites and takes a treatment, the parasites are killed but then they release whatever pathogens or toxins they were carrying. You can take a standard X drug for Y parasite for years, you will never be able to kill every single one of them with a drug and you will have strong side effects from the dying parasites.
In the way I am being treated, the side effects, the parasites, and the communication between my body and the parasites are being addressed.
That's another thing that makes parasites unique, they have to have a host to survive. When they infect a person or an animal, they release chemicals that stop your body from recognizing them so they can fly under the radar. So the communication aspect has to be addressed as well, you will never find a standard doctor or naturopath capable of treating this. It takes a specialized doctor like mine who can do specialized testing to see what the pathogens are doing and what will stop them, there is no set protocol for this. Its mostly homeopathic treatment to disconnect the connection of the parasites to my system, herbs and drugs will mainly just kill. The thing is, you cant just kill parasites, they become resistant and they hide. They can even incase themselves in cysts which can't be killed.
So that was the majority of todays appointment, he made one remedy to cover everything involved with the parasitic ordeal, tomorrow he will test again to see what else needs to be done. My body actually tested at saturation today, which means we covered everything possible for the day-no more. My doctor said that is a pretty big deal because that means this new treatment is powerful enough to negate everything else.
He also worked on the hernia, he felt around my stomach and said that my diaphragm was swollen to the point that it was covering my stomach. In a regular hiatal hernia the stomach get stuck in the bottom of the diaphragm, so by pulling the stomach down you correct the hernia. In my case its the reverse, my diaphragm is swollen and veering my stomach. He adjusted it and did some facial release using the percussor, then he used hyssop oil on it to bring down the inflammation. Again he will check it tomorrow, but after all he did today it may finally be a done deal. He told me I need to continue using the hyssop for a while to prevent it from coming back, so that will be something I do once I get home.
As far as blood results go, this round is fairly different than before in how they've changed. For the first time vitamin D is good, cholesterol is closer to where it should be, white blood cell count is higher meaning my immune system is actually beginning to work on its own, but I did hit a new extreme on easonifils which is the parasite marker. He said its rare to see it as high as mine is, so we know for sure that we are chasing the right rabbit trail. My kidneys are showing some stress also, other than those two things I don't have a bad report.
With as bad as I have felt the past couple of months I was expecting worse for my blood scores, and the parasite markers are pretty bad. But that's it, Lyme itself is not showing up so far, that's a big positive. Neither are any other tick borne infections that I have, doesn't mean they aren't there it just means they aren't a problem right now.
Tomorrow ill find out what else we can find to correct, I'm fairly satisfied for today's visit because it was entirely new stuff as far as what's actually happening in my body and new treatment.
Day 2-
Today was another productive visit at the doctors office. We worked on parasites again, this time with focus on the side affects of the parasites themselves. He found that the parasites are disrupting my mitochondria, causing me to be tired all the time. Plus he found some tie ins to my stomach and hormones.
He found I need a dopamine, serotonin, and pregnenolone booster to counteract the side affects. Plus he added something for me to take to support my adrenals during this time. The adrenals are what make a significant portion of your hormones, plus they make energy. By supporting my adrenals in addition to treating the other issues it adds a boost to my body as a whole.
He also added a neuro anti-inflammatory supplement, because the parasite toxins are setting off my brain and nervous system. So this tied with the dopamine and serotonin, this will help with my terrible brain fog.
The pregnenolone is tied into the adrenal pathway, so that is what the purpose of this hormone.
He found I need a dopamine, serotonin, and pregnenolone booster to counteract the side affects. Plus he added something for me to take to support my adrenals during this time. The adrenals are what make a significant portion of your hormones, plus they make energy. By supporting my adrenals in addition to treating the other issues it adds a boost to my body as a whole.
He also added a neuro anti-inflammatory supplement, because the parasite toxins are setting off my brain and nervous system. So this tied with the dopamine and serotonin, this will help with my terrible brain fog.
The pregnenolone is tied into the adrenal pathway, so that is what the purpose of this hormone.
Most of this is new for me, several years ago I did a dopamine booster and it didn't help me much. This is the first time that my body has tested well for any direct neurotransmitter(brain chemical) support, in other words this is a new layer being corrected that we haven't been able to reach.
Pregnenolone is also new for me, I am interested to see how this makes me feel before long.
Pregnenolone is also new for me, I am interested to see how this makes me feel before long.
I feel pretty worn out today, my brain fog is just making everything difficult.
I see the doc again tomorrow, then I will be headed home.
When Time Stops
I am back at the clinic for part of this week and I had a realization today. I was laying on the couch in the hotel room, thinking about all the homework I needed to get done and also how alone I have been feeling.
The TV was going but I was hardly watching it, I was so tired for most of this afternoon that I have been lost in space. Whenever I get like this I tend to just flip through my phone, flipping from one page to another. Opening an app then closing it, until I decide I need to do something better with my time. I realized that time had stopped, minutes felt like hours, I wasn't talking to anyone, TV was just noise, I didn't want to read, I couldn't do anything. I was so tired and foggy I couldn't make myself do any of my normal activities.
On top of that I realized I wasn't talking to anyone because time has not stopped for my friend, they are all either in school or at work. They don"t have the time to talk to me right now, too much life in the way. I haven't heard from my best friend since 6:30am yesterday, he hasn't seen any of my messages about whats going on with me here at the clinic, School and work dictate otherwise. Its sad for me, because he's one of the very few people I feel like I actually connect with, but he isn't sick-his life cant just stop because of me. Same with the rest of my friends and family.
Add that to the list of chronic disease symptoms that others just do not understand, being alone because the disease even infects our time. Our day, Our week, Our year.
I would so much rather have been at work today, joking around with my co workers and working on a new project I have been assigned to overhead. It would be easier to do my homework at home, in my own bed or on my own couch. The hotel room is nice and plenty comfortable, but it ain't home. You cannot beat being at home when you don't feel well. All other environments feel so cold and absent when the world is crashing down around you, only the chronically ill will understand what I just said. Its just not an option right now, I cant be home and honestly I don't feel well enough to be at home. Coming to see my doctor is what I have to do right now.
Today, after a whole morning and afternoon of trying to muster the energy and motivation, I finished reading my history book for class. Next I have to write a paper on it, but lets not think about that right now.
My doctor visits have been going very well, I can see progress in my future. I do have a little bit of peace, but too much brain fog to let me hold onto it.
The TV was going but I was hardly watching it, I was so tired for most of this afternoon that I have been lost in space. Whenever I get like this I tend to just flip through my phone, flipping from one page to another. Opening an app then closing it, until I decide I need to do something better with my time. I realized that time had stopped, minutes felt like hours, I wasn't talking to anyone, TV was just noise, I didn't want to read, I couldn't do anything. I was so tired and foggy I couldn't make myself do any of my normal activities.
On top of that I realized I wasn't talking to anyone because time has not stopped for my friend, they are all either in school or at work. They don"t have the time to talk to me right now, too much life in the way. I haven't heard from my best friend since 6:30am yesterday, he hasn't seen any of my messages about whats going on with me here at the clinic, School and work dictate otherwise. Its sad for me, because he's one of the very few people I feel like I actually connect with, but he isn't sick-his life cant just stop because of me. Same with the rest of my friends and family.
Add that to the list of chronic disease symptoms that others just do not understand, being alone because the disease even infects our time. Our day, Our week, Our year.
I would so much rather have been at work today, joking around with my co workers and working on a new project I have been assigned to overhead. It would be easier to do my homework at home, in my own bed or on my own couch. The hotel room is nice and plenty comfortable, but it ain't home. You cannot beat being at home when you don't feel well. All other environments feel so cold and absent when the world is crashing down around you, only the chronically ill will understand what I just said. Its just not an option right now, I cant be home and honestly I don't feel well enough to be at home. Coming to see my doctor is what I have to do right now.
Today, after a whole morning and afternoon of trying to muster the energy and motivation, I finished reading my history book for class. Next I have to write a paper on it, but lets not think about that right now.
My doctor visits have been going very well, I can see progress in my future. I do have a little bit of peace, but too much brain fog to let me hold onto it.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Next Round of Fighting
Lots of things have happened since my last post. First, my memory has been all over the place, for one September is almost over...my last post was August 30...and I thought that was last Sunday or maybe the weekend before. In reality it was actually three weeks ago.
Second, my stomach has been severely messed up. Last Tuesday I went into work to do some things, I was very sick and unwell that day, I spoke to another co worker there. She said You have a hell of a hernia thats what you have!
I hadn't been able to eat anything significant in several days and couldn't even drink water much, I was down to 129lbs which I haven't seen and haven't wanted to see in a long time.
So I saw my chiropractor that day and she put her hand on my stomach..she said oh my goodness, this must be one of the smallest stomachs I have ever felt. After that she said, without even pressing down I feel the artery pulsing, this is serious you need to start eating again and gain some weight back. She wasn't wrong either, I feel sickly thin...like a starvation malnourished thin.
Sure enough though, hiatal hernia. She adjusted it and man did that hurt! I saw my friend later that day, she's trained in some kinesiology. So she could do some muscle testing to see what else she could find with this whole abdominal situation. She did some things on my illeoceacal and houston valve. Plus she did something for my whole emotional ordeal, color balancing I believe its called.
During the color balancing she found that I was grieving over school, so we dug deeper to see the specifics. Long story short, I was grieving over having enough money to pay for school soon. But heres the catch, my school is cheap and its not bugging me...so I asked my friend, could this be for someone else? She said yes. Then I knew, it was about my best friend. I do not want him to go off to school this coming school year next year....if he saves enough pennies and gets the money he's going to school a thousand miles from me...I don't want that. Not one darn bit. He is the one person in my life that is health and he gets it. A healthy person who understands what I'm going through? Holy crap thats rare. He understands how important it is for me to talk about some of these issues that come up with me and he does the best he can to be there for me. He did that when I was healthy a few months ago too, we just have that sort of connection you could say.
I know I've lost my mind and my body for now...badly...but I can't imagine him being gone from me or wanting to be gone like that, ya know? I just don't get how he would want to go so far away when he doesn't have a need for it...but school is one of those things I just don't get like the normal people do...being sick, I just show up and do the work then leave..dont get me wrong, I have good grades and do well in school. But I have no excess energy to spend on it.
Anyway, back to my kinesiology friend. We finished out that day cleaning out my emotions, I went home feeling a bit lighter and able to eat. I had some progress for the first time since I last visited kansas. It didn't stick though. The next day, I was able to eat better than previous but not well. Emotions hadn't come back full blown but they were sliding.
That thursday my chiropractor told me to come for a visit(yep, she texted me and said to come see her. She's just that cool). She rechecked my stomach, out again. She adjusted it, this time much less painful and I could feel it release. My eating improved for several days after this.
She also checked me on her little oil biofeedback device, it gives out a reading on essential oils that will be beneficial for my body. Several relaxation oils plus a few for digestion were my results. Since then I've been keeping up with using my oils, seems to be slightly relaxing if anything. I smell good too, like a whole flower shop exploded.
This week I've seen my chiropractor again, for my stomach to be adjusted. I saw my friend yesterday and she did some more digging on me. Some kind of school stress related to me came up, we couldn't figure out anything deeper than that though. We cleared it, that was the only emotional situation for me this time, very much improved after the visit. I also started my supplements back, last week when I couldn't eat or drink i quite everything except for a few important things.
The week before last my ND here told me it could be h.pylori, so I started Mastic Gum. That has helped my stomach upset and it was effective quickly, still taking for now. I don't think I have h.pylori...I think its all been the hernia. Either way I'm taking mastic gum and a natural antibiotic called biocidin to clear any candida or other nasties from my digestion. Plus a super strong probiotic.
All of this, catches y'all up until today.
Today I spoke to a lyme friend I haven't seen in a long while. She's starting with a new llmd that is super well liked and way up in the food chain. After telling her about all my psych symptoms that I cared to share plus my physical, she said I think you've got a bartonella infection brewing that needs addressing.
She did a quick muscle test on me and told me yes its bart, however no babesia this time. I figure if anything it'll be worth talking to my kansas doctor about when I see him.
Im going back the week after next for a short visit, by that I mean an emergency visit for him to work on me.
Speaking to my friend was great, it was nice to talk to someone whose as well lyme educated as I am. Except she's not so much in brain fog as I am right now, so it was much easier for her to take a shot as to what could be causing my new found symptoms. When she said bartonella, i remembered back when i took houtynnia several years ago and had a brain herx, which gave me a severe brain herx.
Since then, sometime last year, I had my KS dr. check me for bart, to which i was negative. But i wasn't having these symptoms then...so, maybe we've reached a new layer of junk in my system to remove.
I don't currently feel toxic, I feel like it is more pathogenic...I do the ionic foot bath and some other stuff...I should be pulling out a significant amount of toxins. Idk how its even possible that I still have toxins in me at this point, but whatever.
Ill keep on working.
Second, my stomach has been severely messed up. Last Tuesday I went into work to do some things, I was very sick and unwell that day, I spoke to another co worker there. She said You have a hell of a hernia thats what you have!
I hadn't been able to eat anything significant in several days and couldn't even drink water much, I was down to 129lbs which I haven't seen and haven't wanted to see in a long time.
So I saw my chiropractor that day and she put her hand on my stomach..she said oh my goodness, this must be one of the smallest stomachs I have ever felt. After that she said, without even pressing down I feel the artery pulsing, this is serious you need to start eating again and gain some weight back. She wasn't wrong either, I feel sickly thin...like a starvation malnourished thin.
Sure enough though, hiatal hernia. She adjusted it and man did that hurt! I saw my friend later that day, she's trained in some kinesiology. So she could do some muscle testing to see what else she could find with this whole abdominal situation. She did some things on my illeoceacal and houston valve. Plus she did something for my whole emotional ordeal, color balancing I believe its called.
During the color balancing she found that I was grieving over school, so we dug deeper to see the specifics. Long story short, I was grieving over having enough money to pay for school soon. But heres the catch, my school is cheap and its not bugging me...so I asked my friend, could this be for someone else? She said yes. Then I knew, it was about my best friend. I do not want him to go off to school this coming school year next year....if he saves enough pennies and gets the money he's going to school a thousand miles from me...I don't want that. Not one darn bit. He is the one person in my life that is health and he gets it. A healthy person who understands what I'm going through? Holy crap thats rare. He understands how important it is for me to talk about some of these issues that come up with me and he does the best he can to be there for me. He did that when I was healthy a few months ago too, we just have that sort of connection you could say.
I know I've lost my mind and my body for now...badly...but I can't imagine him being gone from me or wanting to be gone like that, ya know? I just don't get how he would want to go so far away when he doesn't have a need for it...but school is one of those things I just don't get like the normal people do...being sick, I just show up and do the work then leave..dont get me wrong, I have good grades and do well in school. But I have no excess energy to spend on it.
Anyway, back to my kinesiology friend. We finished out that day cleaning out my emotions, I went home feeling a bit lighter and able to eat. I had some progress for the first time since I last visited kansas. It didn't stick though. The next day, I was able to eat better than previous but not well. Emotions hadn't come back full blown but they were sliding.
That thursday my chiropractor told me to come for a visit(yep, she texted me and said to come see her. She's just that cool). She rechecked my stomach, out again. She adjusted it, this time much less painful and I could feel it release. My eating improved for several days after this.
She also checked me on her little oil biofeedback device, it gives out a reading on essential oils that will be beneficial for my body. Several relaxation oils plus a few for digestion were my results. Since then I've been keeping up with using my oils, seems to be slightly relaxing if anything. I smell good too, like a whole flower shop exploded.
This week I've seen my chiropractor again, for my stomach to be adjusted. I saw my friend yesterday and she did some more digging on me. Some kind of school stress related to me came up, we couldn't figure out anything deeper than that though. We cleared it, that was the only emotional situation for me this time, very much improved after the visit. I also started my supplements back, last week when I couldn't eat or drink i quite everything except for a few important things.
The week before last my ND here told me it could be h.pylori, so I started Mastic Gum. That has helped my stomach upset and it was effective quickly, still taking for now. I don't think I have h.pylori...I think its all been the hernia. Either way I'm taking mastic gum and a natural antibiotic called biocidin to clear any candida or other nasties from my digestion. Plus a super strong probiotic.
All of this, catches y'all up until today.
Today I spoke to a lyme friend I haven't seen in a long while. She's starting with a new llmd that is super well liked and way up in the food chain. After telling her about all my psych symptoms that I cared to share plus my physical, she said I think you've got a bartonella infection brewing that needs addressing.
She did a quick muscle test on me and told me yes its bart, however no babesia this time. I figure if anything it'll be worth talking to my kansas doctor about when I see him.
Im going back the week after next for a short visit, by that I mean an emergency visit for him to work on me.
Speaking to my friend was great, it was nice to talk to someone whose as well lyme educated as I am. Except she's not so much in brain fog as I am right now, so it was much easier for her to take a shot as to what could be causing my new found symptoms. When she said bartonella, i remembered back when i took houtynnia several years ago and had a brain herx, which gave me a severe brain herx.
Since then, sometime last year, I had my KS dr. check me for bart, to which i was negative. But i wasn't having these symptoms then...so, maybe we've reached a new layer of junk in my system to remove.
I don't currently feel toxic, I feel like it is more pathogenic...I do the ionic foot bath and some other stuff...I should be pulling out a significant amount of toxins. Idk how its even possible that I still have toxins in me at this point, but whatever.
Ill keep on working.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Some Headway
Sorry I'm not keeping you guys in the loop with all that's going on, writing and talking to you guys is one of my favorite things to do. I just keep running out of brain power. Good things have happened.
Tonight is the first time in about a week or two since I have had a full on manic attack, tonight's isn't bad. Today wasn't a fantastic day for whatever reason, I'm blaming the weather and having to wake up at 6:30am.
I have started a new supplement called acetyl CH active by apex, it's the precursors for acetylcholine-one of the brains primary energy chemicals. So I have been having more stability in the day time and more endurance compared to what it's been the last few months. It's not fantastic but if it will give me anything more, I'll take it.
Last Friday I woke up sick with a sinus bug. I went to the clinic I work at and used the ionic footbath, lasers on my kidneys, and I used the biodback device. According to the biofeedback I had Stress to food poisoning, Lyme. Rmsf, infectious mono, and about a dozen parasites, plus mycoplasma. The mycoplasma would be the sinus bug. But everything else, normal for me but looks like I was in a full flair up. So I zapped all the pathogens.
I'll be darned if that didn't help everything this time. I started feeling better a few hours later and all my other stuff started to clear.
Before my last Kansas visit I used all of the above except the footbath on a frequent basis. They always did help out with symptom failed, sometimes significantly. But when I started getting bad all the therapies made everything worse so I stopped. I decided Friday it had been long enough without and it was safe to give it a try. Today has probably been the worst day since, still sniffling but not sick. Today has been fatigue and brain fog, now that it's late and I'm really worn out I'm starting to freak out again....
I've made an appointment to see the doctor I work for next week, he's gonna go through everything I'm taking and see what supports I may need to try out.
Another thing I did, I stopped taking my fish oil Friday. In the past I have had reactions to fish oil causing mental symptoms, that was long long before I had any mental symptoms. I was told I either had rancid fish oil which apparently common or I was allergic. Last year I found one I did like and I've been on it since then. I dont think it's been causing me issues but just in case...I'm taking a break from it.
The paranoia is down finally, I still have thoughts but not attacks. I still cross my fingers for no reason, this gets way worse when I am stressed or something is happening. My fingers will cross very tightly.
Sleep is somewhat better, not consistently better but I'm better for now.
I did come home from school the other day and take a nap. During this nap I had a dream, well nightmare, I was having a panic/mania attack. Total freak out mode, doing exactly what I do when I'm awake during an episode...I finally woke up and I just out of it. It took me a bit to gather myself and realize this time, it wasn't real. But it looked and felt real, very real.
Daily I still go up and down. I have moment of stress but not anxiety, these moments last seconds instead of minutes and hours, heck it's lasted days and weeks before.
One thing I've been trying to get back into doing is researching, I used to do a great job at snooping out the cause of my symptoms. I already know I have parasites and they have been putting the biggest load on my body. Well I did some searching, according to dr.Hulda Clark the strongyloides parasite is associated with manic depression. Which, is one of the parasites the biofeedback machine said I was showing a stress too.
I'll be doing more work this Friday using the machine to zap parasites and whatever else shows up.
After I talk to my doctor here I'm going to speak to my doctor in Kansas, I figure between those two doctors I should have some kind of big picture here.
Everything has gotten more tolerable for now. I attribute this to what I did last Friday, the stress patches I started a few weeks ago, and I've been doing coffee enemas per my dr recommendations.
I'm not getting great results with the enemas, I had higher hopes, but I could just be that toxic right now.
I also stated another patch this weekend called healing xl, it's a herbal boost all help all. So I am using the stress patch, memory patch, and healing xl. I had been using a glutathione patch but it hadn't been doing anything noticeable so I'm gonna break from that for a bit.
The tremors which were seriously bad just a couple weeks ago seemed to have gone away overnight, about a week and a half ago. My hands at one point looked liked they were vibrating, I would hide them at work so no one would notice.
My vision today though for some reason has been very poor. It had been doing fairly well.
I really need to see an eye doctor one day. I just don't have the time or energy for another doctor to tell me another body part is screwed up.
Okay I can't write anymore....I'm hoping I can sleep tonight so tomorrow is better...tomorrow is a 7:00am start day. My panic attack or manic attack, idk what it is, that I've been trying to stave off tonight hasn't changed much...I was hoping writing everything out would help knock it down
Tonight is the first time in about a week or two since I have had a full on manic attack, tonight's isn't bad. Today wasn't a fantastic day for whatever reason, I'm blaming the weather and having to wake up at 6:30am.
I have started a new supplement called acetyl CH active by apex, it's the precursors for acetylcholine-one of the brains primary energy chemicals. So I have been having more stability in the day time and more endurance compared to what it's been the last few months. It's not fantastic but if it will give me anything more, I'll take it.
Last Friday I woke up sick with a sinus bug. I went to the clinic I work at and used the ionic footbath, lasers on my kidneys, and I used the biodback device. According to the biofeedback I had Stress to food poisoning, Lyme. Rmsf, infectious mono, and about a dozen parasites, plus mycoplasma. The mycoplasma would be the sinus bug. But everything else, normal for me but looks like I was in a full flair up. So I zapped all the pathogens.
I'll be darned if that didn't help everything this time. I started feeling better a few hours later and all my other stuff started to clear.
Before my last Kansas visit I used all of the above except the footbath on a frequent basis. They always did help out with symptom failed, sometimes significantly. But when I started getting bad all the therapies made everything worse so I stopped. I decided Friday it had been long enough without and it was safe to give it a try. Today has probably been the worst day since, still sniffling but not sick. Today has been fatigue and brain fog, now that it's late and I'm really worn out I'm starting to freak out again....
I've made an appointment to see the doctor I work for next week, he's gonna go through everything I'm taking and see what supports I may need to try out.
Another thing I did, I stopped taking my fish oil Friday. In the past I have had reactions to fish oil causing mental symptoms, that was long long before I had any mental symptoms. I was told I either had rancid fish oil which apparently common or I was allergic. Last year I found one I did like and I've been on it since then. I dont think it's been causing me issues but just in case...I'm taking a break from it.
The paranoia is down finally, I still have thoughts but not attacks. I still cross my fingers for no reason, this gets way worse when I am stressed or something is happening. My fingers will cross very tightly.
Sleep is somewhat better, not consistently better but I'm better for now.
I did come home from school the other day and take a nap. During this nap I had a dream, well nightmare, I was having a panic/mania attack. Total freak out mode, doing exactly what I do when I'm awake during an episode...I finally woke up and I just out of it. It took me a bit to gather myself and realize this time, it wasn't real. But it looked and felt real, very real.
Daily I still go up and down. I have moment of stress but not anxiety, these moments last seconds instead of minutes and hours, heck it's lasted days and weeks before.
One thing I've been trying to get back into doing is researching, I used to do a great job at snooping out the cause of my symptoms. I already know I have parasites and they have been putting the biggest load on my body. Well I did some searching, according to dr.Hulda Clark the strongyloides parasite is associated with manic depression. Which, is one of the parasites the biofeedback machine said I was showing a stress too.
I'll be doing more work this Friday using the machine to zap parasites and whatever else shows up.
After I talk to my doctor here I'm going to speak to my doctor in Kansas, I figure between those two doctors I should have some kind of big picture here.
Everything has gotten more tolerable for now. I attribute this to what I did last Friday, the stress patches I started a few weeks ago, and I've been doing coffee enemas per my dr recommendations.
I'm not getting great results with the enemas, I had higher hopes, but I could just be that toxic right now.
I also stated another patch this weekend called healing xl, it's a herbal boost all help all. So I am using the stress patch, memory patch, and healing xl. I had been using a glutathione patch but it hadn't been doing anything noticeable so I'm gonna break from that for a bit.
The tremors which were seriously bad just a couple weeks ago seemed to have gone away overnight, about a week and a half ago. My hands at one point looked liked they were vibrating, I would hide them at work so no one would notice.
My vision today though for some reason has been very poor. It had been doing fairly well.
I really need to see an eye doctor one day. I just don't have the time or energy for another doctor to tell me another body part is screwed up.
Okay I can't write anymore....I'm hoping I can sleep tonight so tomorrow is better...tomorrow is a 7:00am start day. My panic attack or manic attack, idk what it is, that I've been trying to stave off tonight hasn't changed much...I was hoping writing everything out would help knock it down
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Just Talking to be Heard
Another day, another dollar right? I'm still alive today, guess that constitutes success right?
My mind has reached the point where today I can't intake any new information. I was trying to do all the homework could before tomorrow, because I only have today and tomorrow to do Thursday's homework. But my mind has died and no more reading can happen...so now I'm annoyed that I'll be piling up so much work to do tomorrow :/
I just hope that tonight I can rest well so I can function tomorrow.
As per Rebecca's suggestion I am trying out some chamomile tonight, I don't have any capsules but I do have organic tea. Let's see what happens.
I have been trying to think about treatment options, what should I try to do about all of this ? It's about time for me to email my Kansas doctor anyway, might as well get as much done at once as possible right . I just don't know what I could say that is beneficial, I mean I wake up tired and go to bed in panic mode. No energy is to be found anywhere. I am already taking a humongous boatload of supplements for everything imaginable. Inflammation, adrenals, vitamin C, D, detox, heavy metals, Bach remedies, my whole color wheel has been covered. Yet I can't get out of the tired but wired phase. That's what's happening right now, I can't stop and I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. No energy though, nope. None of that. No brain power either, everything I'm typing right now is due to being manic and not being able to stop what I'm doing and try to sleep. I'm sitting to write this post and not only have I stayed jittery but it's worsening. The tea is steeping, won't be long before that's in my system. I don't think I have ever prayed over tea this much before in my life, but Lord please let it stop this response I'm stuck in.
One of the manic symptoms that has come back after a week or two absence is my inpatients to hear from my friends. I can't stop being obsessive over how long it takes for them to respond and I keep checking to see if I've gotten a message back. There isn't a reason for this, it just happens out of no where...I have no control but to try to distract my mind.
It was extremely bad a few weeks ago before I went to Kansas, like more extreme than I knew possible. Even being in person with my friends that I text I still didn't feel like I was getting enough, I don't know what I even wanted.
During times like this it's like I can't pull away from a small few people, but I also want to hide from everyone in my closet until something changes. It's an unbearable feeling. Talking it out doesn't seem to help and niether do any supplements I've tried.
I decided to cut back more hours from work, I have permission to do whatever I need and I can cut entire days if I have to. I don't know if that will make any difference or not. I love working, it's my safe place. I love the people I see on a daily basis and I love the people I work with. But it depends energy, I don't have any to expend right now. I hate to cut work at all, but that's one of the few choices I can make.
With that said, maybe next week will be easier.
But right now, with the damages of school, homework, and work-I'm mentally hurting and having anxiety. I have already taken two sleeping pills and they haven't seemed to slow anything. Too tired to be productive and too wired to rest.
Music annoys me, videos and tv shows annoy me, I can't write physically because my hands shake too much then they hurt, so now all I have is talking.
I used to watch comediens or listen to some kind of music, but when I'm wired it's just not possible. My mind is way too far off to try to comprehend what's going on in the screen.
I am writing all this so one day I can look back and see how much I have improved and also for anyone that needs to see what kind of turmoil stress and Lyme disease does. I want people to understand that this is no joke when the days are bad. Ice cream and rainbows won't help this...just not that simple.
Anyway. I'm going to drink my tea and pray. Then pray again. Maybe by then I'll fall asleep.
My mind has reached the point where today I can't intake any new information. I was trying to do all the homework could before tomorrow, because I only have today and tomorrow to do Thursday's homework. But my mind has died and no more reading can happen...so now I'm annoyed that I'll be piling up so much work to do tomorrow :/
I just hope that tonight I can rest well so I can function tomorrow.
As per Rebecca's suggestion I am trying out some chamomile tonight, I don't have any capsules but I do have organic tea. Let's see what happens.
I have been trying to think about treatment options, what should I try to do about all of this ? It's about time for me to email my Kansas doctor anyway, might as well get as much done at once as possible right . I just don't know what I could say that is beneficial, I mean I wake up tired and go to bed in panic mode. No energy is to be found anywhere. I am already taking a humongous boatload of supplements for everything imaginable. Inflammation, adrenals, vitamin C, D, detox, heavy metals, Bach remedies, my whole color wheel has been covered. Yet I can't get out of the tired but wired phase. That's what's happening right now, I can't stop and I feel like I could have an anxiety attack. No energy though, nope. None of that. No brain power either, everything I'm typing right now is due to being manic and not being able to stop what I'm doing and try to sleep. I'm sitting to write this post and not only have I stayed jittery but it's worsening. The tea is steeping, won't be long before that's in my system. I don't think I have ever prayed over tea this much before in my life, but Lord please let it stop this response I'm stuck in.
One of the manic symptoms that has come back after a week or two absence is my inpatients to hear from my friends. I can't stop being obsessive over how long it takes for them to respond and I keep checking to see if I've gotten a message back. There isn't a reason for this, it just happens out of no where...I have no control but to try to distract my mind.
It was extremely bad a few weeks ago before I went to Kansas, like more extreme than I knew possible. Even being in person with my friends that I text I still didn't feel like I was getting enough, I don't know what I even wanted.
During times like this it's like I can't pull away from a small few people, but I also want to hide from everyone in my closet until something changes. It's an unbearable feeling. Talking it out doesn't seem to help and niether do any supplements I've tried.
I decided to cut back more hours from work, I have permission to do whatever I need and I can cut entire days if I have to. I don't know if that will make any difference or not. I love working, it's my safe place. I love the people I see on a daily basis and I love the people I work with. But it depends energy, I don't have any to expend right now. I hate to cut work at all, but that's one of the few choices I can make.
With that said, maybe next week will be easier.
But right now, with the damages of school, homework, and work-I'm mentally hurting and having anxiety. I have already taken two sleeping pills and they haven't seemed to slow anything. Too tired to be productive and too wired to rest.
Music annoys me, videos and tv shows annoy me, I can't write physically because my hands shake too much then they hurt, so now all I have is talking.
I used to watch comediens or listen to some kind of music, but when I'm wired it's just not possible. My mind is way too far off to try to comprehend what's going on in the screen.
I am writing all this so one day I can look back and see how much I have improved and also for anyone that needs to see what kind of turmoil stress and Lyme disease does. I want people to understand that this is no joke when the days are bad. Ice cream and rainbows won't help this...just not that simple.
Anyway. I'm going to drink my tea and pray. Then pray again. Maybe by then I'll fall asleep.
Monday, August 14, 2017
A Night With My New Brain
Yesterday I posted two fairly long posts of what's been going on in me and with me even then I still forgot some things that have happened. So much has gone on I don't think I even totally realize what is happening.
Yesterday was an alright day, it was long. I woke up tired, but I made it through the day still being my usual productive self. I was finally able to post last night which made me happy. Then after the lights went off, I thought I was drawing closer to sleep. Instead of sleeping though, things happened, I sat things because I don't know what to call what it is.
Here's how it went...
I had my phone playing a tv show that I like, just off in the background for the noise. Every so often I was texting back and forth with a friend. Then thoughts of fear came to my mind, all I could envision was my best friend dying or being killed, which terrified me. It hurt so much to think about because like I said, we are very close and I don't want to lose my friend. Next up that thought passed and instead I started to feel pain, not usual pain. Mental pain, I don't even know how to describe it. It felt almost like I was being beaten mentally. Torn apart. No specific thoughts or feelings, just pain. I gnashed my teeth and clenched my fists, I was twisting in different directions wearing out all of my muscles. All I could feel was pain, I don't even know why...
It didn't last very long, maybe two or three minutes. I spoke to the friend I was talking to, she said it could possibly be an anxiety attack of sorts. She personally struggles with anxiety and has had many types of attacks, some similar as to what I describe. Maybe she's right.
I have had a few anxiety/panic attacks over the last couple months. One at work lasted for an hour, got and a half maybe. It was hard working in an environment around other people with my heart pounding, brain racing, and hands shaking. I had a song come to mind, so I stuck with it and tried my best to just keep it playing through my mind. Using this focus did help take the edge off. But it took a long hour before I could start pulling back down from that event..
Anxiety attacks have happened several times, but not the traditional heart pounding mind rushing deal. I don't think my body could muster the energy to do all of that. But I have had times where I just can't get my mind off a subject and I get trapped in a loop of paranoia. Without the patches, this was happening 98% of the day every day of every week.
I asked my best friend what his opinion was on what was happening to me right now, I wanted to know what was going through his healthy person mind. He said "I can't believe, that you never get any break from this."
Him telling me this, hit me. He could see it, he knew what was really happening to me...this manic feeling that I can't escape, he saw it.
Him and I are extremely close, but here's the shocker. We haven't even known eachother a year yet, we just clicked from the start. I was doing well when he first met me. I knew him a couple months before I told him I had to go to clinic in Kansas to be treated for my disease. I didn't have to tell him, I was doing alright, the subject didn't come up until I was packing my suitcase. Now I wish him and I both, could get a few days break from this torture.
Right now, writing this post the manic feeling is coming back. I want to run, I want to get out of my bed, walk out the front floor and take off full speed across the front yard then down the street. It hurts to sit still and it hurts to keep thinking so much. If I could run I would be distracted, my burning muscles would over shadow my mind and my other symptoms. I can't run though, nope not a chance. I would be in so much pain and crushing fatigue, every symptom would intensify.
So for now, I'm just gonna write this blog post. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on something besides my body. I wouldn't say it's working, but it's better than staring at the wall.
Today was a very long day. I received my new package of stress patches, I have one on now. I think tomorrow will be a better day, I can feel that it is in my system now.
But today...started at 6:45 am for me. 4 hours of not so great sleep, then I had to get up for school. From school I went directly to work, I worked 8:30-6:00 almost non stop. I get home and back in the bed I go, I almost doze for about 20 minutes then get up to eat, some homework and chores later, now I'm here writing this post.
My body is so tired it's painful: I don't want to stop typing though, I feel like I'll forget something or that I will feel worse by loosing my distraction....
I must try to sleep...it's been a long day...
Yesterday was an alright day, it was long. I woke up tired, but I made it through the day still being my usual productive self. I was finally able to post last night which made me happy. Then after the lights went off, I thought I was drawing closer to sleep. Instead of sleeping though, things happened, I sat things because I don't know what to call what it is.
Here's how it went...
I had my phone playing a tv show that I like, just off in the background for the noise. Every so often I was texting back and forth with a friend. Then thoughts of fear came to my mind, all I could envision was my best friend dying or being killed, which terrified me. It hurt so much to think about because like I said, we are very close and I don't want to lose my friend. Next up that thought passed and instead I started to feel pain, not usual pain. Mental pain, I don't even know how to describe it. It felt almost like I was being beaten mentally. Torn apart. No specific thoughts or feelings, just pain. I gnashed my teeth and clenched my fists, I was twisting in different directions wearing out all of my muscles. All I could feel was pain, I don't even know why...
It didn't last very long, maybe two or three minutes. I spoke to the friend I was talking to, she said it could possibly be an anxiety attack of sorts. She personally struggles with anxiety and has had many types of attacks, some similar as to what I describe. Maybe she's right.
I have had a few anxiety/panic attacks over the last couple months. One at work lasted for an hour, got and a half maybe. It was hard working in an environment around other people with my heart pounding, brain racing, and hands shaking. I had a song come to mind, so I stuck with it and tried my best to just keep it playing through my mind. Using this focus did help take the edge off. But it took a long hour before I could start pulling back down from that event..
Anxiety attacks have happened several times, but not the traditional heart pounding mind rushing deal. I don't think my body could muster the energy to do all of that. But I have had times where I just can't get my mind off a subject and I get trapped in a loop of paranoia. Without the patches, this was happening 98% of the day every day of every week.
I asked my best friend what his opinion was on what was happening to me right now, I wanted to know what was going through his healthy person mind. He said "I can't believe, that you never get any break from this."
Him telling me this, hit me. He could see it, he knew what was really happening to me...this manic feeling that I can't escape, he saw it.
Him and I are extremely close, but here's the shocker. We haven't even known eachother a year yet, we just clicked from the start. I was doing well when he first met me. I knew him a couple months before I told him I had to go to clinic in Kansas to be treated for my disease. I didn't have to tell him, I was doing alright, the subject didn't come up until I was packing my suitcase. Now I wish him and I both, could get a few days break from this torture.
Right now, writing this post the manic feeling is coming back. I want to run, I want to get out of my bed, walk out the front floor and take off full speed across the front yard then down the street. It hurts to sit still and it hurts to keep thinking so much. If I could run I would be distracted, my burning muscles would over shadow my mind and my other symptoms. I can't run though, nope not a chance. I would be in so much pain and crushing fatigue, every symptom would intensify.
So for now, I'm just gonna write this blog post. I'm trying to keep my mind focused on something besides my body. I wouldn't say it's working, but it's better than staring at the wall.
Today was a very long day. I received my new package of stress patches, I have one on now. I think tomorrow will be a better day, I can feel that it is in my system now.
But today...started at 6:45 am for me. 4 hours of not so great sleep, then I had to get up for school. From school I went directly to work, I worked 8:30-6:00 almost non stop. I get home and back in the bed I go, I almost doze for about 20 minutes then get up to eat, some homework and chores later, now I'm here writing this post.
My body is so tired it's painful: I don't want to stop typing though, I feel like I'll forget something or that I will feel worse by loosing my distraction....
I must try to sleep...it's been a long day...
Sunday, August 13, 2017
When You Lose Your Mind Part 2
*continuation*
Since I prayed so hard, things have changed again. That night I felt lighter and felt something again, something besides despair. Maybe I had just bottled up to much, I didn't realsise how much I had secluded myself.
I have since spoken to 3 other people about how horrible I have been feeling mentally. It's hard to share when you are paranoid. I have always been the strong one in my friend group, so to show that I am not only not Okay, but crying...unheard of. During this period I have never more felt like a sissy, because this is the first time I haven't been able to handle everything by myself. I had to have someone to go to. I've been on walks with my friend just so we can talk in private, one day I think we walked about 6 miles. Another time I couldn't sleep, him and I went walking about 4:30am. I never knew someone could be so kind to me, and enjoy it. I think he would admit I've been a struggle to deal with, not because of all he's had to do but because he's not sure how to make me feel better for more than a minute. I've been going to him non stop for almost two months now, maybe more.
I can't think straight and thoughts become obsessive or paranoid. So I'm turn I have to talk to someone to help me untwist my brain. At one point in time I could handle myself, I don't know what happened. I don't know what started this either, it was beginning before my clinic visit and before all the stressful events I listed. I can't pin point the true root cause of this
I always could figure something out I did wrong that had caused me to few badly...
now things have changed, even if I eat perfectly healthy I feel just the same. If I sleep harder, no change, I mean every little thing that used to perk me up or turn me around entirely-nothing at all. I still eat healthy every day, but I must be doing something wrong.
Something that did hit home, that I haven't mentioned yet. During the same time as the second car accident, my best friends sister tried to flee the country with some boy she had met. She dropped out of school on Tuesday and she had a plane ticket for Thursday. Her parents booked it to her school when they heard she dropped out, they did eventually catch up to her. She got on the plane from her home town to ATL, her siblings met her at the gate in Atlanta and they managed to get her to stay. She came home with the rest of the family, the boy went on to his country. My friends family has been struggling ever since, the sister never would talk...no one knows what went through her mind. She still talks to the guy and one day he is supposed to come back to meet her family (me-insert big laugh here, I don't ever suspect he will come back). Now recently she's gone back to school, a new one up north farther away from home. No one knows what her plan is, or even if she's going to school. We just have to wait this one out...she's an adult, she's can and will do what she wants.
Needless to say, my friend has been struggling through battles of his own. I will never forget the day he called me to tell me what had happened, I was at work. He called crying, I had never seen him cry before and I hadnt seen it happen since. Hes not one to talk about himself, but I can see in him that he is hurting.
Okay, I'll finally stop talking about my best friend. I'll finish up with my story so you all can go on about your day:)
A few weeks ago I went to Hansa. Everything went well this time, I have made a turn around compared to last time. Physically I feel very well, my back isn't in any pain. I always have at least a tiny amount of back pain, but right now I'm solid. Emotionally I was better at the clinic, I was starting to walk back into my mind. I lost it a few days after coming home.
I work for a doctor and he's found something for me. While I was away at Hansa we started carrying some new products, one is a homeopathic patch. I have been using one for stress, it's finally pulling me back down to earth.
This last week I have made progress, most likely due to the patch. I only had enough for a few days, now I am out..the one I am still wearing was due to run out yesterday. I felt the shift down again this morning when I woke up, I am beginning to backslide. I'll be getting a full pack tomorrow instead of just a sample, I should be able to start recovering, maybe even for good-soon.
I don't know what happened to me, I have never cried, ranted, obsessed, or felt so hopeless in my life. I don't know what the original trigger was, I am just trying to heal now. My gut says that now that I am beginning to pull out of the chronic illness state, and I am working hard with some other people who want to make their spiritual lives better, Satan is coming after me. I have been through hell and high water, I have a story that people always love to hear, I don't know why, but when I start talking people start listening. My testimony gets to people, maybe because it's so real and relatable. I think Satan is trying to finish me off before my body does recover, then my real work can start. I have never once prayed and felt that I hadn't been heard, I have however felt that it just wasn't the time for whatever I asked for,
Well right now, I am praying for peace. Every day, all day, I keep a note in my pocket at work to remind me. I'm praying for all my chronic illness friends, I'm praying for all my close friends, for my family, for anyone who I see that just needs help. This has been God changing me and showing me why I need to hold on. During my times of pain, I can't feel love from my friends. I see it and I know it's happening, I don't feel it in my spirit during this depression. Only when it's from God do I know, keep holding just a little longer.
This last week I've had two days that were fantastic, and several other days that were good. If I keep on talking to God and wearing the patches, I know I'll recover. I just need to stop resting my confidence in whatever blank space I've been in.
This has been, my hardest hour.
Since I prayed so hard, things have changed again. That night I felt lighter and felt something again, something besides despair. Maybe I had just bottled up to much, I didn't realsise how much I had secluded myself.
I have since spoken to 3 other people about how horrible I have been feeling mentally. It's hard to share when you are paranoid. I have always been the strong one in my friend group, so to show that I am not only not Okay, but crying...unheard of. During this period I have never more felt like a sissy, because this is the first time I haven't been able to handle everything by myself. I had to have someone to go to. I've been on walks with my friend just so we can talk in private, one day I think we walked about 6 miles. Another time I couldn't sleep, him and I went walking about 4:30am. I never knew someone could be so kind to me, and enjoy it. I think he would admit I've been a struggle to deal with, not because of all he's had to do but because he's not sure how to make me feel better for more than a minute. I've been going to him non stop for almost two months now, maybe more.
I can't think straight and thoughts become obsessive or paranoid. So I'm turn I have to talk to someone to help me untwist my brain. At one point in time I could handle myself, I don't know what happened. I don't know what started this either, it was beginning before my clinic visit and before all the stressful events I listed. I can't pin point the true root cause of this
I always could figure something out I did wrong that had caused me to few badly...
now things have changed, even if I eat perfectly healthy I feel just the same. If I sleep harder, no change, I mean every little thing that used to perk me up or turn me around entirely-nothing at all. I still eat healthy every day, but I must be doing something wrong.
Something that did hit home, that I haven't mentioned yet. During the same time as the second car accident, my best friends sister tried to flee the country with some boy she had met. She dropped out of school on Tuesday and she had a plane ticket for Thursday. Her parents booked it to her school when they heard she dropped out, they did eventually catch up to her. She got on the plane from her home town to ATL, her siblings met her at the gate in Atlanta and they managed to get her to stay. She came home with the rest of the family, the boy went on to his country. My friends family has been struggling ever since, the sister never would talk...no one knows what went through her mind. She still talks to the guy and one day he is supposed to come back to meet her family (me-insert big laugh here, I don't ever suspect he will come back). Now recently she's gone back to school, a new one up north farther away from home. No one knows what her plan is, or even if she's going to school. We just have to wait this one out...she's an adult, she's can and will do what she wants.
Needless to say, my friend has been struggling through battles of his own. I will never forget the day he called me to tell me what had happened, I was at work. He called crying, I had never seen him cry before and I hadnt seen it happen since. Hes not one to talk about himself, but I can see in him that he is hurting.
Okay, I'll finally stop talking about my best friend. I'll finish up with my story so you all can go on about your day:)
A few weeks ago I went to Hansa. Everything went well this time, I have made a turn around compared to last time. Physically I feel very well, my back isn't in any pain. I always have at least a tiny amount of back pain, but right now I'm solid. Emotionally I was better at the clinic, I was starting to walk back into my mind. I lost it a few days after coming home.
I work for a doctor and he's found something for me. While I was away at Hansa we started carrying some new products, one is a homeopathic patch. I have been using one for stress, it's finally pulling me back down to earth.
This last week I have made progress, most likely due to the patch. I only had enough for a few days, now I am out..the one I am still wearing was due to run out yesterday. I felt the shift down again this morning when I woke up, I am beginning to backslide. I'll be getting a full pack tomorrow instead of just a sample, I should be able to start recovering, maybe even for good-soon.
I don't know what happened to me, I have never cried, ranted, obsessed, or felt so hopeless in my life. I don't know what the original trigger was, I am just trying to heal now. My gut says that now that I am beginning to pull out of the chronic illness state, and I am working hard with some other people who want to make their spiritual lives better, Satan is coming after me. I have been through hell and high water, I have a story that people always love to hear, I don't know why, but when I start talking people start listening. My testimony gets to people, maybe because it's so real and relatable. I think Satan is trying to finish me off before my body does recover, then my real work can start. I have never once prayed and felt that I hadn't been heard, I have however felt that it just wasn't the time for whatever I asked for,
Well right now, I am praying for peace. Every day, all day, I keep a note in my pocket at work to remind me. I'm praying for all my chronic illness friends, I'm praying for all my close friends, for my family, for anyone who I see that just needs help. This has been God changing me and showing me why I need to hold on. During my times of pain, I can't feel love from my friends. I see it and I know it's happening, I don't feel it in my spirit during this depression. Only when it's from God do I know, keep holding just a little longer.
This last week I've had two days that were fantastic, and several other days that were good. If I keep on talking to God and wearing the patches, I know I'll recover. I just need to stop resting my confidence in whatever blank space I've been in.
This has been, my hardest hour.
When You Lose Your Mind Part 1
I am sorry to be posting yet another depressing post...
I will start off with saying that it's possible I am reaching the end of my mental breakdown, but I'm not there yet.
With that said, here's a snapshot of the last few months of my life.
Back in April or so I could tell my mind was starting to change, memory was getting worse and sometimes I just couldn't feel right(even compared to my normal not "right" feeling). It would come and go, I dismissed it as a usual symptom...brain fog has been with me ainc the beginning and has never actually gone away, just wavered.
Then around that same time period I have a visit to the clinic where I am treated. I go in with a good looking blood report, the doctor and I both think this will be a shorter than previous visit.
Wrong. I get sicker than I've ever been before, by a loong shot. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without bones being broken. During my week long stay I quite eating more than snacks for a few days, lost weight I don't have to loose, blurry vision, you name it. This physical reaction was a shock to myself and the doctor. Except for the increased brain fog, which we had attributed to my diet change to more meat products(possibly causing inflammation and for sure raising uric acid, I was doing better than I had been in years. I was even beginning to exercise, which I hadn't done in 5-6 years, in my mind I had made it through some steep climbs.
Once this trip to the clinic concluded and I returned back home, I slowly recovered. I went back to work and school at about the same rate as usual. But in all honesty, I lost traction from here on out. I was able to get back to exercising for a few weeks then that slowly dwindled away, haven't seen it since.
After the clinic visit I thought I would slowly recover to my entirety, we all thought I would. I was doing a strong treatment protocol, I thought it would just take time....
Next came some major life stress, I've been mentioning this in the last several posts. I haven't totally said everything that's been going on because I haven't felt I needed to share everything just yet. Today I am going to share everything that I can remember, it is long-just a warning.
May, my first car accident. It was latish at night, I had been driving for an hour already...then at a stop sign I gassed instead of braked(paraphrased). It wasn't a bad car accident by any stretch, the police said if I had to have an accident this was the best to have. No one was hurt, just some bumper damage. This event though did put my mind into a shock, I couldn't believe I had done this...something so stupid and easily preventable. I had never been in an accident before, but whatever...everyone was okay. The stress and shock just threw me off, I still haven't told most of my friends about it. I've told a couple, very few people about it. That's all I ever plan on telling because I just don't want anyone else to know I did something so dumb..
Not too long after that, my mom pulls me to the side one day. She tells me something that I've been expecting for a long time, dad wanted to divorce her. My dad has a slightly narcissistic personality, he can be hard to deal with and he's not always the most understanding individual. During this time dad checks out, a little more than he usual does anyway, and guess who gets to take up the slack? Mom and I.
Now here's the catch, I know what you are all thinking, all marriages have issues and the ones who can work it out work it out. But here's what happened, dad wouldn't talk about it. Dad to this day doesn't know he knows that he wants a divorce. Many times my mom was very upset with what he had said to her. Dads a neat freak, so to make him happy mom goes into hard core cleaning mode while he's at work so he can come home to a clean house. You name it she cleaned or organized it, the shelves in the closet in the basement, all the bedrooms..everything she could. Wherever mom couldn't do sometime, I did it. During this time period my sister graduated and we had a grad party at the house for her. So I pressure washed the patio and cleaned anything outside I could, I spent hours and days finding any little thing I could do because during this time my sister was preoccupied and dad was in outer space somewhere.
Since this time, I've had many days doing similar activities. My regular jobs around the house are cutting the grass, washing the cars, doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. Pretty average compared to what most of my friends do. Since the whole change earlier this year, I pressure wash, maintain the pool, I play housekeeper on the days I have enough time(vacuum, windex, whole 9), I grocery shop, the list goes on.
Like I said, to this day dad doesn't know that I know any of what's been going on. My sister still doesn't know, moms tried to talk to her but she's not one for dealing with other peoples issues...she just doesn't care to know.
During a family meeting dad did mention that him and mom were having issues but us kids didn't need to worry about it, it's all going to be just fine for us.
During said meeting, I had to say a few things to my dad that weren't so friendly and I didn't enjoy saying. He didn't get that I had long previously been picking up slack for him, so I had to point that out.
Reaching the present time, things are better. There will be no divorce, during none of this time did mom ever want a divorce. Dad is starting to come back into our world. Honestly, I think he's been depressed, I've thought that for probably two years now. I've spoken to some people since this event, they've all agreed.
I just have to say, this 4-5 month long event took a lot out of me. At home I was always burning energy to do something for someone else. Emotionally it's been traumatizing, I'm the intuitive one in the family, not much of anything has been a shock to me. I've suspected something was going on for a long time and I personally think I can see both of my parents personalities than they do for eachother. I've spent many hours with my mom helping her out however I can.
I am very grateful things have gotten better, we still have a ways before mom and I see normal again, but mom and I are functioning better now. During this time I did have to stand up and be mean several times, which of course I hate doing, no one likes being mean. It just shook my thoughts I guess you could say, I had to think differently than before.
Next on the docket-in comes car accident number two. This time not my fault, praise the Lord. Unlike my accident, I wasn't alone this time. I had my two best friends and my sister in the car. It was a very minor accident, he just dented the corner of my bumper. My body already being wonky, this did throw me into shock mode again. We were headed out of town for the afternoon, so after the accident I had another two or three hours of driving to do, can we say stress burnout?? My mind was totally fried when I finally made it back to my couch. Thankfully this ordeal was short lived, my car is fixed and I've long recovered.
Behind curtain number 3! We have school stress. Year two of college, yay!
Most people just apply to college...get accepted then attend class. Well, that's just too easy for me. Last year I did college online so I could continue to go to the clinic and recover. I didn't care for it so much, so this year I transferred to a local school. Boy was that harder than I was expecting.
First I had to fight with the online school for my transcripts, then I had to get letters of recommendation to get into the new school, I had to call the school and email to find out what requirements I needed to fulfil and how to even sign up for class..
All my summer this took...I wasn't accepted to the school at first because I had a low SAT, well I had to write them a letter about that. When I took the SAT, I was full blown chronic Lyme, in the trenches. I had one shot at the SAT, no it didn't go well. However my saving grace was that my high school transcripts my GPA was just barely short of 4.0, so they knew I wasn't an idiot. I spoke to whoever I needed to and I jumped the hoops, I was accepted about three weeks ago. My classes started last week. I was able to sign up to my classes finally, two days before they started...
This was what really drug me to the floor over the summer. Now school has started, I am into doing homework and waking up early for class, then going on to work. I never thought work would be so relaxing.
Skipping over the problems at work, nothing to do with me but some close co workers have had some major life issues as well...
I will move on to how I've actually been doing. I've listed my gripes so far, but here's where it gets really good.
In the beginning of my post I mentioned that my mind hadn't been the same for some reason. Then in my last post I mentioned how I haven't been doing so great. Well, here it is.
My best friend, deserves a medal. He has listened to everything I've ever had to say. Except for this week, I have been filled with paranoia and anxiety. I have been so afraid of everything, other people, my friends, my family, myself, speaking, not speaking, my doctor, my work....I have just lost it. Over the last several months I have slightly separated myself from most of my friends because I've been too fried to maintain more than one or two conversations at one time. I haven't had the energy to invite friends over and have get togethers, I just have really cut myself off.
But my best friend, he's been right there. He hasn't let me shut out from him, he won't leave me alone to my own devices.
He's been my secret keeper, I told him about the car accident and my parents, plus some other drama that's been going on with some of my other friends that has gotten to me.
Recently we went on a trip to the beach, my parents, my best friend, my sister and her friend. I was left in the dust a few times because I wasn't feeling well. But my friend made sure I was taken care of before it was all said and done.
One night, I had an adrenal attack. I was talking to my friend about something that was bugging me, commonstay now because of the paranoia, next thing I knew it was a dozen things. Then I reached full exhaustion and I couldn't speak anymore...I just curled up in the sheets. I was shaking and tears were coming out of my eyes, my friend is a great listener, he speaks when there's something to be said. In this moment I think he knew there wasn't anything anyone could say to change what was happening to me. He did what I needed but was just too embarresed to say, he got in the bed right behind me and held me tightly. He said some things that I can't remember, but I do remember him saying he wouldn't abandon me like other friends of mine had on the days I wasn't well. I was in very, very bad shape that night. I stayed right in his arms until he fell asleep, by then I had calmed myself and I needed some space, he needed to sleep. I'm a big job these days, he needs to rest. Imagine that, two teenage guys...one holding the other like the world was going to end, the other crying and just loosing everything.
Sounds like a bad movie doesn't it?
Twice more he's had to do something like this.
A week ago I was at his house, just him and I. We watched a movie and he fell asleep on his couch. I finished out the movie...then I didn't want to leave, I was afraid...so I turned on another movie and he kept sleeping.
Finally I knew it was time for me to go home, I had been crying to myself for about two hours and it was getting late. I woke up my friend and before any time passed I was balling to him again. He just pulled me close and listened to me rant. We prayed together, as we often do as of a few months ago. I drove myself home, screaming and crying the whole way home. Just asking God what do I need to do, what's caused this horrible shift in my mind. Why do I feel hopeless every day even though things are going well? Why can't I feel the good things anymore, why is my joy dead? Almost 40 minutes I prayed, screaming, asking God for guidance, thanking him to all the great people I have, asking prayers for others I know that are sufffering, I have never prayed so hard in my life.
I have been better since this occurrence last week. Still not well,
I will start off with saying that it's possible I am reaching the end of my mental breakdown, but I'm not there yet.
With that said, here's a snapshot of the last few months of my life.
Back in April or so I could tell my mind was starting to change, memory was getting worse and sometimes I just couldn't feel right(even compared to my normal not "right" feeling). It would come and go, I dismissed it as a usual symptom...brain fog has been with me ainc the beginning and has never actually gone away, just wavered.
Then around that same time period I have a visit to the clinic where I am treated. I go in with a good looking blood report, the doctor and I both think this will be a shorter than previous visit.
Wrong. I get sicker than I've ever been before, by a loong shot. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without bones being broken. During my week long stay I quite eating more than snacks for a few days, lost weight I don't have to loose, blurry vision, you name it. This physical reaction was a shock to myself and the doctor. Except for the increased brain fog, which we had attributed to my diet change to more meat products(possibly causing inflammation and for sure raising uric acid, I was doing better than I had been in years. I was even beginning to exercise, which I hadn't done in 5-6 years, in my mind I had made it through some steep climbs.
Once this trip to the clinic concluded and I returned back home, I slowly recovered. I went back to work and school at about the same rate as usual. But in all honesty, I lost traction from here on out. I was able to get back to exercising for a few weeks then that slowly dwindled away, haven't seen it since.
After the clinic visit I thought I would slowly recover to my entirety, we all thought I would. I was doing a strong treatment protocol, I thought it would just take time....
Next came some major life stress, I've been mentioning this in the last several posts. I haven't totally said everything that's been going on because I haven't felt I needed to share everything just yet. Today I am going to share everything that I can remember, it is long-just a warning.
May, my first car accident. It was latish at night, I had been driving for an hour already...then at a stop sign I gassed instead of braked(paraphrased). It wasn't a bad car accident by any stretch, the police said if I had to have an accident this was the best to have. No one was hurt, just some bumper damage. This event though did put my mind into a shock, I couldn't believe I had done this...something so stupid and easily preventable. I had never been in an accident before, but whatever...everyone was okay. The stress and shock just threw me off, I still haven't told most of my friends about it. I've told a couple, very few people about it. That's all I ever plan on telling because I just don't want anyone else to know I did something so dumb..
Not too long after that, my mom pulls me to the side one day. She tells me something that I've been expecting for a long time, dad wanted to divorce her. My dad has a slightly narcissistic personality, he can be hard to deal with and he's not always the most understanding individual. During this time dad checks out, a little more than he usual does anyway, and guess who gets to take up the slack? Mom and I.
Now here's the catch, I know what you are all thinking, all marriages have issues and the ones who can work it out work it out. But here's what happened, dad wouldn't talk about it. Dad to this day doesn't know he knows that he wants a divorce. Many times my mom was very upset with what he had said to her. Dads a neat freak, so to make him happy mom goes into hard core cleaning mode while he's at work so he can come home to a clean house. You name it she cleaned or organized it, the shelves in the closet in the basement, all the bedrooms..everything she could. Wherever mom couldn't do sometime, I did it. During this time period my sister graduated and we had a grad party at the house for her. So I pressure washed the patio and cleaned anything outside I could, I spent hours and days finding any little thing I could do because during this time my sister was preoccupied and dad was in outer space somewhere.
Since this time, I've had many days doing similar activities. My regular jobs around the house are cutting the grass, washing the cars, doing the dishes, and cleaning the kitchen. Pretty average compared to what most of my friends do. Since the whole change earlier this year, I pressure wash, maintain the pool, I play housekeeper on the days I have enough time(vacuum, windex, whole 9), I grocery shop, the list goes on.
Like I said, to this day dad doesn't know that I know any of what's been going on. My sister still doesn't know, moms tried to talk to her but she's not one for dealing with other peoples issues...she just doesn't care to know.
During a family meeting dad did mention that him and mom were having issues but us kids didn't need to worry about it, it's all going to be just fine for us.
During said meeting, I had to say a few things to my dad that weren't so friendly and I didn't enjoy saying. He didn't get that I had long previously been picking up slack for him, so I had to point that out.
Reaching the present time, things are better. There will be no divorce, during none of this time did mom ever want a divorce. Dad is starting to come back into our world. Honestly, I think he's been depressed, I've thought that for probably two years now. I've spoken to some people since this event, they've all agreed.
I just have to say, this 4-5 month long event took a lot out of me. At home I was always burning energy to do something for someone else. Emotionally it's been traumatizing, I'm the intuitive one in the family, not much of anything has been a shock to me. I've suspected something was going on for a long time and I personally think I can see both of my parents personalities than they do for eachother. I've spent many hours with my mom helping her out however I can.
I am very grateful things have gotten better, we still have a ways before mom and I see normal again, but mom and I are functioning better now. During this time I did have to stand up and be mean several times, which of course I hate doing, no one likes being mean. It just shook my thoughts I guess you could say, I had to think differently than before.
Next on the docket-in comes car accident number two. This time not my fault, praise the Lord. Unlike my accident, I wasn't alone this time. I had my two best friends and my sister in the car. It was a very minor accident, he just dented the corner of my bumper. My body already being wonky, this did throw me into shock mode again. We were headed out of town for the afternoon, so after the accident I had another two or three hours of driving to do, can we say stress burnout?? My mind was totally fried when I finally made it back to my couch. Thankfully this ordeal was short lived, my car is fixed and I've long recovered.
Behind curtain number 3! We have school stress. Year two of college, yay!
Most people just apply to college...get accepted then attend class. Well, that's just too easy for me. Last year I did college online so I could continue to go to the clinic and recover. I didn't care for it so much, so this year I transferred to a local school. Boy was that harder than I was expecting.
First I had to fight with the online school for my transcripts, then I had to get letters of recommendation to get into the new school, I had to call the school and email to find out what requirements I needed to fulfil and how to even sign up for class..
All my summer this took...I wasn't accepted to the school at first because I had a low SAT, well I had to write them a letter about that. When I took the SAT, I was full blown chronic Lyme, in the trenches. I had one shot at the SAT, no it didn't go well. However my saving grace was that my high school transcripts my GPA was just barely short of 4.0, so they knew I wasn't an idiot. I spoke to whoever I needed to and I jumped the hoops, I was accepted about three weeks ago. My classes started last week. I was able to sign up to my classes finally, two days before they started...
This was what really drug me to the floor over the summer. Now school has started, I am into doing homework and waking up early for class, then going on to work. I never thought work would be so relaxing.
Skipping over the problems at work, nothing to do with me but some close co workers have had some major life issues as well...
I will move on to how I've actually been doing. I've listed my gripes so far, but here's where it gets really good.
In the beginning of my post I mentioned that my mind hadn't been the same for some reason. Then in my last post I mentioned how I haven't been doing so great. Well, here it is.
My best friend, deserves a medal. He has listened to everything I've ever had to say. Except for this week, I have been filled with paranoia and anxiety. I have been so afraid of everything, other people, my friends, my family, myself, speaking, not speaking, my doctor, my work....I have just lost it. Over the last several months I have slightly separated myself from most of my friends because I've been too fried to maintain more than one or two conversations at one time. I haven't had the energy to invite friends over and have get togethers, I just have really cut myself off.
But my best friend, he's been right there. He hasn't let me shut out from him, he won't leave me alone to my own devices.
He's been my secret keeper, I told him about the car accident and my parents, plus some other drama that's been going on with some of my other friends that has gotten to me.
Recently we went on a trip to the beach, my parents, my best friend, my sister and her friend. I was left in the dust a few times because I wasn't feeling well. But my friend made sure I was taken care of before it was all said and done.
One night, I had an adrenal attack. I was talking to my friend about something that was bugging me, commonstay now because of the paranoia, next thing I knew it was a dozen things. Then I reached full exhaustion and I couldn't speak anymore...I just curled up in the sheets. I was shaking and tears were coming out of my eyes, my friend is a great listener, he speaks when there's something to be said. In this moment I think he knew there wasn't anything anyone could say to change what was happening to me. He did what I needed but was just too embarresed to say, he got in the bed right behind me and held me tightly. He said some things that I can't remember, but I do remember him saying he wouldn't abandon me like other friends of mine had on the days I wasn't well. I was in very, very bad shape that night. I stayed right in his arms until he fell asleep, by then I had calmed myself and I needed some space, he needed to sleep. I'm a big job these days, he needs to rest. Imagine that, two teenage guys...one holding the other like the world was going to end, the other crying and just loosing everything.
Sounds like a bad movie doesn't it?
Twice more he's had to do something like this.
A week ago I was at his house, just him and I. We watched a movie and he fell asleep on his couch. I finished out the movie...then I didn't want to leave, I was afraid...so I turned on another movie and he kept sleeping.
Finally I knew it was time for me to go home, I had been crying to myself for about two hours and it was getting late. I woke up my friend and before any time passed I was balling to him again. He just pulled me close and listened to me rant. We prayed together, as we often do as of a few months ago. I drove myself home, screaming and crying the whole way home. Just asking God what do I need to do, what's caused this horrible shift in my mind. Why do I feel hopeless every day even though things are going well? Why can't I feel the good things anymore, why is my joy dead? Almost 40 minutes I prayed, screaming, asking God for guidance, thanking him to all the great people I have, asking prayers for others I know that are sufffering, I have never prayed so hard in my life.
I have been better since this occurrence last week. Still not well,