Safety Circle

Familiarity
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.

WHY??

I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.

I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.

Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready