Reflecting on The Waves

Reflecting on a Week of Changes
This week has been a unique time in my life. One, because some things in my work/personal life are changing. Two, because I am headed back to Kansas this weekend. Heading to Kansas is always a guarantee that my life will change, I go in feeling one way and come out on the other side feeling different (usually worn out). Then weeks and months later my life continues to change.

Ill start elaborating. Personal life-
An amazing coworker of mine, that is a cross between a mom and a best friend to me, is leaving our office to move to Virginia. This woman came in only a year ago, and cleaned house. She changed our entire work environment. She streamlined all of our systems, wrote protocols, held people accountable, increased business, and most importantly brought a smile to everyones face.
It is nothing short of a God send that this woman was placed in our office and our lives. She managed to remove all of the toxic personalities from our office and environment, so all this posts from the last two years or so about issues with coworkers-she solved six months ago. Thanks to her, I am able to go to work and enjoy it. My heart is back in it, life is good. I also gained confidence and value in myself, I have been shown how much I am worth to the business. I have held the position of professional multitasker for four years now, thanks to this woman my benefit has been recognized and I can see a higher value in myself in the office.
The amount of smiling patients that come into our office has increased, many came by today or this week to say goodbye We even had a surprise party earlier in the week and managed to surprise her, I was honored to be a big part of that. I like making sure people feel special, I think that day we all did a good job.
This person has actually been special enough to me, that today I gave her a link to this blog as a going away present. For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you know that this blog is a very secret safe haven of mine, that I have only given to a small handful of people. The first being a coworker last year, then E and one other girl friend of mine, and now this coworker. Thats only 4 people (unless I forgot someone).

Personal life Pt. 2
I have been thinking lately on how much my life has been on a continuously changing spin cycle for the last few years, especially since the strep infection in my brain. The anxiety and depression has subsided substantially since March. Looking back into October 2018, anxiety was hitting an all time high and I was collapsing. I was scared big time and answers were scarce. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, so many nights I was awake in bed praying that I could just stand up right out of my body and leave it behind. My body and I are on better speaking terms, it still has some catching up to do, but I thank God every day today for the body I have been given. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few years back I had zero understanding of anxiety, now I get it.

Ya know, they don't say you "get it" until you GET IT. Thankfully, I GET IT now. I understand.

Anxiety is a complete and total change in mental capacity and functions, immediately. Sometimes its triggered and sometimes its a surprise. Ive had a few minor surprises lately with it, but all very minor and all very related to staying up too late or not sleeping. A year ago I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, good day or bad. I wanted out. It didnt feel right.
Two years ago I remember having plenty of vegetable moments, all too often just being too tired to do much. Hobbies weren't in the picture. Depression was made, and anxiety showed up.
Three years ago, I was only a few months into treatment with my doctor, and that was my first taste of feeling human again. Depression was frequent but not severe, anxiety was very mild or maybe non existent (I would have to check my notes).
Six years ago, I had to take time off school because I just couldn't function.
Seven years ago I had to recognize that my life had changed, from an event the year prior, and I would have to recognize my new life style of feeling unwell all the time "for no reason". All sports were dropped and any activity I could live without was left to the dust and never thought of as a possibility. Life had changed and the future was a scary place.

The future is happening, life has been ever changing. More scary changes than I care to think about, but all the changes have led to the person I have become. In the last few months, since my last visit to Kansas, I have come to appreciate the man I am becoming. I am flawed, my body is faulty, things still scare me, sometimes I dont know what Im doing. But this is the life God gave me, it wasn't an accident, it all has a purpose for his glory. Ive made it this far, if I was doing something that wrong God would have taken me out of the picture. I will be here to serve my purpose until God decides my time has come.

Personal Life Pt. 3
I have removed a lot of toxic people from my life in the last few months. I used to fear that I was being antisocial, and that I should be conforming to other peoples quirks and habits otherwise I was doing something wrong. Now I am realizing that those behaviors put me in situations that allowed me to be walked on and taken advantage of, and a lot of those "friends" may serve me better from a distance rather than on my speed dial. Some of these friends have known me for  along time, they may come back around and this may be a temporary change, or it may be time to forget about them. My "best" friend that I used to mention on a frequent basis has been MIA from my life since February. One day he didn't text me back, and I never heard from him again. Very long story short, I sent him an email asking for forgiveness for whatever I may have done, and I apologized for some of my own faults that I knew bothered him. That was the end of that. Sending that email hurt, I had to pour a lot of emotion and thought into it and I knew in my heart that nothing would come of it physically. I knew no matter what I said, was he going to respond. God has given me very strong intuition in my life, sometimes I "just know". But I said my piece, I put it out there, I got it all of my  chest, I asked for forgiveness, I asked God to forgive me for my mistakes-known and unknown.
After this event my life began to clear in a way, I started getting him off my mind. It hurt. It burned. Intuition says its not over and come the end of this year I need to be prepared for something, what that is-I dont know. I just know I should take note of what my intuition said.
I removed 90% of the things that kept my life anchored to this person in anyway, which consisted of deleting pictures from my phone, texts, and taking of the friendship ring that he gave me. One day I will dump that last 10%, which will be when I delete all of the pictures and messages, throw the ring away (turns out it cost like $10 on eBay, I found where he bought it on the first search, he probably put very little thought into it and it probably isn't worth keeping in my drawer), and take the one last picture off my dresser. Its just hard for me to part with memories that during a hard part of my life, brought me a lot of joy and relief from some painful realities. I havent decided if its intuition telling me to hold onto these things a little longer, or just sentiment.

This isn't the only friend Ive had incidence with this year, probably the most dramatic. One "best" friend started dating another " best" friend, then the two of them starting treating myself and others rather poorly. Another "great" friend of mine started dating a new guy, then said new guy got a bit handsy with the girls cousin in the pool. "Great" friend says it didnt happen, cousin gets upset. Lo and Behold, house divided on a rather serious matter there. I voiced my opinion and stepped out of the picture. Anyway, ill stop there with the drama, drama doesn't need to seem like its being glorified.
This year, I realized how much healthier and happier I was when I didnt go out with friends or spend an evening with certain people. I noticed that I was happier stressing over car parts, than I was being caught in drama which began to seem endless. Maybe right now I am feeling a bit antisocial and I am being a bit snobby about what quality of people I want to spend my time around. I think it may be time I start treating my social life with a little more respect, even if it means staying home and not being social.

Lyme-
I guess I could mention a little bit about the topic that gave me the reason to write my blog. Life is going well in the disease department. Sleep has struggled painfully this week, but I have had a lot on my mind. I have had some extremely severe leg cramps all day everyday for the last several days which have made it painful to walk, I'm blaming this on working on my car. Fatigue and motivation are a bit of a struggle, probably related to sleeping.
If I could sleep well, and wake up early, then maintain a consistent schedule indefinitely, I think my symptoms would continuously improve. The one thing that  does remain a struggle is my personality, I still do not feel like im as "awake" as I was pre strep, sometimes it is still very difficult to talk. My brain just stays at flatline. I used to talk a lot more and joke around a lot and everyone thought I was hilarious (which is still there, but not at all like before. I used to keep track of my jokes I had so many). Its coming back, maybe after this coming visit to Kansas this will begin to take a large turn for the best. Im praying for my body as an entirety to heal and function properly (not just function "enough"), Im praying that my brain fog will be lifted, that I will feel completely like myself again and not just a "part" of myself that survived a war, and Im praying that I will be given the energy and stamina to feel GREAT after this coming week all the way through the school year (or further). Last time, my doctor told me I had near miraculous results with how quickly and significantly my test results improved for the better. I am praying that this will be gloriously repeated.

How am I doing on making up for the lost time I was in hiatus?? I told you, thoughts are in there!!

Thankful for the Pain

In All Things
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.

I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.

I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.

I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.

I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.

Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)

Safety Circle

Familiarity
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.

WHY??

I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.

I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.

Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready

A Weekend With A Side of +Rest

On The Bright Side 
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.

I felt peace

I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.

But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.

But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.

I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.

Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world

Emotions All Around

Greetings! I have good things to report this weekend!
I am spending the weekend with my bestest friend at his college with him. I haven’t seen him in two months! And it’s been a hard painful two months! I’ve missed him so much. Being sick for years made me realize that most people aren’t worth being friends with. People have no compassion, no real life goals, they lose their faith in God and become lukewarm. They just become so plain bagel, achieving so little in their life. Those people are so hard to be friends with, they aren’t real.

But not my best friend. He’s a human being with goals he’s working his tail off to achieve, he has actual feelings, he strives to be the best he can he doesn’t just settle for whatever is easiest. That’s probably why him and I get along so well! We are both hard workers and real thinkers!

I head back home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I like his friends here and I like being with him here at his school. I’ve only been here a night and I feel more at home here, in a strange bed and a strange place, than I have ever felt in my own bed in my own house. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know why. Maybe I just hate being away from my friend.

I don’t know when I’ll get to see him after tomorrow. Maybe thanksgiving.
I’m laying in his bed right now waiting on him to get off work. I have a special surprise for him, tomorrow is the 11th anniversery of his moms death. They call it Grape Day because synthetic grape flavor was her favorite. In commemoration they consume grape things that she loved. One of these things is grape soda, which my friend hates but because of his mom, he loves it once a year. So tonight at midnight I’m going to surprise him with some grape soda.

He’s stressed and upset out of his mind this weekend. Memories are hitting him hard. If I could take the pain away I would. I wish I could. I don’t want to see him hurting so badly. His mom was an awesome woman, she did it all. She loved everyone. And my friend has a lot of her qualities, which draw him close to the memories of his mom. It amazes me to no end.

So if you could all keep him in your prayers this weekend. He’s got the biggest heart I know, so when it breaks like this-it breaks.
I wish I could stay longer to comfort him.
I almost feel wrong for leaving tomorrow but I have no choice....

Seasons Changing

The time for seasons of my life to change has come once again. School is starting back this week. My best friend is leaving to live in Missouri tomorrow. Another friend of mine leaves the day after, then my sister leaves this weekend.
I will once again watch my life become engulfed in school assignments. Life will get busy and I won't be seeing my friends very often. My best friend moving 10 hours away has probably affected me the most. He is the person I go to for everything, he's my support, my encouragement, my safe place, and of course the person I have the most fun with ( I promise I have fun and do normal fun things with my friends). Now I will have very limited access to him. I don't handle big changes all that well, I am already a rather emotional person these days. My emotions run their own way without rhyme or reason more often than not, but with my best friend leaving...I have been a mess.

I am taking care of my best friends fish now that he's leaving. Last night he brought his tank and his one fish (Sherman) to my house about 11pm. We got it setup besides one of my tanks and I now have the honor of keeping Sherman for a long time to come.
My friend stayed a while at my house because we knew it would be one of the last times we could hang out, maybe even the last before he leaves. I felt horrible, this last weekend has been extremely stressful. I worked a full day. No sleep. The usual human complaints.
It was so great hanging out but we did reach the point where I had a breakdown. I just lost it and started crying and thats all I could do. I couldn't speak. All I could do was just cry harder. I felt so pathetic, why is everything such a big deal to me? But my best friend was there for me. He hugged me until I could finally speak again. I was so worn out I couldn't stand up anymore, I think the first words I spoke to him were something along the lines of "I have to sit, I can't stand any longer". At this point it was after 1AM, he needed to go home but I was delaying it with my emotional neediness.
He held onto me longer and told me he would walk me to my room to make sure I could walk up the stairs alright without blacking out or collapsing (that has been an issue this summer, which he has first hand witnessed).
And because he's awesome, he let me convince him into staying the night with me. So we both walked to bed and I got to keep him for the night. I felt horrible, I haven't slept well this weekend and ive been burning the candle at both ends, not a great combo for anyone no matter their health situation!
My friend stood by me and helped me through it. I couldn't have asked for anything more. It wasn't planned but hey, I needed someone and he wanted to be that someone. He dragged me on to bed so I could finally relax and get some rest for the first time in several days.

It means so much to me to have someone there for me like that when  I get sick. I hate being alone when my mind and or body decide to plummet into a black hole. Just having a friend there for support takes a lot of the pressure and loneliness out of the picture. Having my best friend there for me is even better. That meant more to me than anything I could dream up, its not easy being the outsider in a sick persons life but he knows he to help me out.

One of the things that made this weekend so stressful was the death of my grandfather. Friday morning my grandmother called my mom to inform her that she found my grandfather on the bathroom floor, dead. It was a total shock. He was not in bad health. They were supposed to be going on a cruise tomorrow for their 60th anniversary.
This last weekend instead was used to plan his funeral, which was today. His death was hard for all of us to deal with. I think we are all still in shock that he is gone.
We had some awesome friends help us out and bring us all a meal for after the service. The family came back to our house after the service and our friends had all the food and tables setup and ready to go, I don't think we could have asked for anything more.
Nonetheless, this has been a weekend of sudden and lasting changes. Emotionally I am worn out, physically I need rest. This time, its not just me but the whole family thats in the same boat as I am.

My Own Little Corner

This weekend has been rocky and it isn't even over yet. My brain has been scrambled eggs. I spent last night feeling OCD and depressed. I cried in the shower because I didn't know what else to do. I still don't know what to do. My brain wants to keep upsetting thoughts in circulation and important thoughts forgotten. The sadness and loneliness was unbearable.
I started the intake process with the school councilor last week. I go back this week for something, I think i get placed with a councilor. Im not entirely sure how it works, I just know I have to go back.
Getting the process started was so uncomfortable to me, I had to explain to the intake councilor about lyme disease and why it causes me such hassles. I used to not mind sharing my story but with how I feel these days I feel like so...sick of sharing. It feels like my business, not someone elses. But I did it, nothing bad came of it. He didn't try to tell me anything about lyme, he did of course bring up the CD C and wondered why they didn't do anything about it. I didn't entirely appreciate how he asked me about it, im the patient not the doctor. Why on earth would I honestly care about the CDC, I have a long list of complaints about the CDC but lets be real, the CDC recognizes the Flu, HIV, Tuberculosis, and a ton of other diseases but can a person with HIV be cured? No. Would I ask a person with HIV about the CDC not being able to treat them? No, it probably get looked at like I had lost my marbles.
But its fine. Ive made it this far. I keep telling myself that its time to seek professional help, I have lost so much enjoyment in life that I know I would have if I could just think straight. At this point Ill even try anti depressants and/or anxiety medication, not long ago I would have said I would never take those meds unless it was an emergency. But its time. I think anxiety is part of the reason my eating has been so bizarre and why I never feel like eating. I think depression and OCD are why I can't enjoy anything and why I never feel like anything is good enough. Its gotta change.
Lately I have not been feeling that bad at all-if I discount my emotional turmoil. I have had some back pain, other than that I haven't been hurting much. Fatigue has been significant but because of the OCD and things I haven't been able to sleep...the last two nights, with the help of meds, I have been able to sleep deeper. Today I have for sure had more energy.
Heart and blood pressure symptoms have been an issue, they are probably the only ones I have that aren't related to anxiety or depression related. They could be indirectly though. I just know that if my mood was stabilized and normalized I would probably be feeling great right now, or even more often.
It is hard for me to go the councilor route though, I don't bond with just anyone, I don't feel comfortable speaking to just anyone, and my brain fog will keep me from being able to speak my thoughts clearly. I am going to try to push through it. Currently the only people who know I am trying to pursue this is you guys that have found this blog online, two friends, and my mom. Thats it, I don't think ill change that anytime soon either.

Last night something really triggered me. I was speaking to my best friend and he told me he probably won't be able to go with me to Kansas again this year. I am trying to go back to the clinic in either August or December, so theres time to plan out ahead. Or so i thought. I don't want to keep going through treatment alone like I am. I want and need a friend with me. It takes a lot out of me by sitting in a hotel room listening to the world around me go round while I watch some tv show that I don't enjoy. It makes me feel so small and worthless knowing my friends and family are at home living their life, making money at work, hanging out with other people, and all I can do is keep the hotel bed planted on the floor.
I hate it. It made me feel a billion times better having my best friend with me last visit. I wasn't uncomfortable and I didn't feel so alienated from the living world. I had a friend with me, someone there just for me to see that I was okay. I was much more stable and well feeling having him with me....
I don't want to go back to my doctor at all if its just going to be me staring down the four walls between clinic visits.
I don't even have the energy to go off and go walking or anything after seeing the doctor usually, otherwise I would try to find things to do but its just not that easy....

Its hard for me to find encouragement. Its hard for me to get out of my own head. Its hard for me to trust anyone. Its hard to feel the love from those around me. Its hard to enjoy anything. Day to day activities have just become a distraction between sleeping.

I sure hope that hamster is enjoying its vacation from the wheel....

Those are my two feet. I will stand on them.

I hope you all have had a great thanksgiving week! During this season we get time to spend with friends and family. It’s a shame that we have to wait for a holiday to be around our friends and family, but that just makes it all the more special.

I have had a better week this week which I am glad to report. I like to say something positive every so often, I hate feeling so negative all the time. I do not like negativity one bit. That’s something that I miss the most, being positive and looking forward. Hard days have only gotten harder. Fear has only dug deeper. Fear...fear has grown in me in more ways than I ever knew possible. I always have had faith that I will be okay one day, whether it be that I live a healthy life on earth or in heaven. Suffering isn’t forever and I have never doubted that. 

What I have learned is how many different types of mental suffering one could experience-all at once.  I have become so afraid of others judgement and opinions, I have become so paranoid of everything around every corner, paranoid that my friends are just being sympathetic towards my cause and they are just temporary, and most of all afraid that I will never get “me” back in one piece. I don’t like the idea of never exactly being myself again, I know that my body will be healthy again but I do fear that I will have “battle scars” I guess you could say. I used to feel like being sick had built me up in many ways. I have lost this feeling, I am sad to say. I feel like the events of this year have turned me bitter and pathetic. 

I don’t know where all of these thoughts came from. I don’t know when they started. I know I never purposely welcomed them in, but maybe I did by accident ? Sometimes I wish I did have a twin, someone right beside me every minute of the day who knew what I was supposed to be like and could see when something was turning south. I used to catch it, like oh no this ain’t right I need to be working on these thoughts and these emotions. Something broke in me and I lost that too. I lost my personal monitor for keeping up with what’s running through me. Seeing as I am a chronic insomniac I spend a significant amount of time awake at night thinking(I know that’s the worst time to think). Seeing as I sleep alone also means that all this thinking that leads to my fears and rampant emotions means no one is around to see that I am torturing myself by accident. My quiet time at night used to be spent reading and calming my mind. Oftentimes my reading would be other Lyme blogs, those are always so encouraging to read. Well, brain fog said no to reading for about the last eight months. So my quiet relaxing time has diminished and anxiety moved right on in and took its place. If anxiety had a face it’d be a smiling, greedy little devil. It just showed up one day and started stirring the trouble that it causes-also unwelcomed. 

This week I have tried to get back to calming my brain down a bit. Since I started skipping some of my meds every day my brain is starting to allow reading again. While this window of opportunity is open, I’m getting back to reading some old blogs that have traditionally been encouraging. So the one I’ve been flipping through is Ticks and Trust by Shannon Goertzen. Yesterday I sent this post to several friends of mine, who I share Lyme things with. It was recieved well, as you can imagine with fear and anxiety being an issue sharing personal things is something that I am wary about. The post just explains so well what I am feeling and what everyone with chronic Lyme probably feels. I can’t not share it, it’d be a disservice. Reading through Shannon’s blog has certainly helped me to gain some of my confidence back. It’s reminded me that I’m not just hurting and suffering, I’m fighting and digging in my heels. I may be out of sorts constantly, in pain, and foggy but I am fighting and I am winning. 

I am still here am I not?? I don’t have any reason to not be here anymore. This disease isn’t going to kill me, it doesn’t have my permsion to do that. I am not in that bad of shape, my brain isn’t itself whatsoever and my body is right behind it. I still work and I still go to school, I have never had to call in sick to work. Never. So I can’t be doing that bad. At least physically. 

I just have to keep digging in my heels and reminding myself of the things I have to be thankful for. When I first started going south earlier this year I quickly became thankful for what I had. This time of year, however, everyone is talking about what they are thankful for and that does my dusty mind some good at being grateful. It gives me excuses to tell people why I’m thankful and it also inspires me of what I have to be thankful for that I may not have noticed. Something else that comes with this season is time off from work and school that I can spend with my family and friends. So I have something new to be thankful for right now. My friends are my number 1 support system, they get me through the worst of days whether they even know it’s a bad day or not. Usually all that’s visible is how much I talk out loud, the worse I feel the quieter I am. Other than that it’s not always very visible that I’m floating south. 

I can say this also, since I started to rethink my school decisions for next year my depression has disappeared. Last week I decided maybe I should follow my best friend to school next year, him d I have talked about it and he seems to love the idea. Allowing myself to even think about going off to school and unleashing myself from the teather that Lyme has kept me on has been very freeing. I’d be with my best friend so I should be safe, he’s been with me sick before. Even so, by the time I would be leaving for school next year I should be out of this funk. Some of the stress that has been a contributing factor to the severity of my health decline is gone and will stay gone. So now I am in a recovery period of sorts. Stress isn’t what put me in decline, or at least as a whole. But it’s been a major contribution I believe. 

Naturally, thinking about following my friend and going off to school has sparked a couple dozen fears about the situation. #1 being that I am only going off to school because people will think I can’t let go of my friend. The school in question was actually my goal way back when I thought I would be  100% healthy when I entered college. So it would be like going back to an old dream, opening a box that I thought had long been closed and locked. Now the box has been opened and this time I have a best friend to go with it, I didn’t when this was my original plan. Actually I wouldn’t have ever met him most likely if I left for this school my first year of college. 

So I am trying to use these thoughts to encourage myself, if this is meant to be, that I am making a good choice. 

Like I said, since I started playing around with this my depression disappeared. Remnants still poke around, but I haven’t had any for real depression since. That was more than a week ago now. 

Fears of being judged are at an all time high but this too shall pass. I figured all I can do right now is apply to the school and wait. Either I’ll get in or a I won’t and that’ll be that.

I just keep on praying. I am praying for guidance and healing. I am praying for others that are suffering(Rebekah Miller and the Goertzen family among those), I am praying for my uninvited house guests-depression, anxiety, fear, and sadness to be banished without a trace
I have faith that all of these prayers will be answered, I don’t know how or when they will be answered. If I did I guess that would be a wish, not a prayer. I’m not much into the wishing business...now that’s something I don’t have faith in.

I am also praying that this week has inspired thankfulness to be in your heart this week. I have found many things to be thankful for that my issues have prevented me from seeing. Being around others of a like mind tends to make the old wheels turn and new thoughts appear!

Standing in an Empty Room Full of People

Have you ever been talking to someone and thought” wait, the person in front of me is talking and I haven’t heard a single word.” Or maybe felt that you just don’t connect with certain people. That’s what life with my new brain has been. It doesn’t matter who I’m around or where on this earth I am,  I feel totally alone. Like a dark black hole of sadness yet desperation. Who could feel alone with a dozen or more people around? Why is this even possible? Why can’t anyone help me?
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?

Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.

Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.

Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*

I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.

Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.

Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said  it’s not often,  but it’s special to me.

Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.

Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.

I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.

On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things.  It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.

In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.