Ponderings

Anxiety Returns
In the last week my anxiety has not been so great, and it isnt the usual "stress" anxiety where my thoughts race and I cant stop thinking about whatever it is thats bugging me (usually school). Its the kind where I feel like nothing is good enough, food doesnt taste right, I dont talk much when Im out with my friends, and my muscles will tense up randomly. I mean tense up hard, not like a cramp, but my fingers and or toes may curl, my calfs and my arms will tighten up and maybe contort into an odd shape thats not exactly "resting".
I dont know how else to explain it, but my body hasnt been happy. School is stressful right now and I have had to get a tutor for one class, and I havent even been able to find a tutor for the other class I need help with. And that is a big deal, I thought that was the only thing causing my PANDAS type anxiety.

Yesterday was a crazy day, it was very reminiscent of how I felt last year when I was doing so terrible. I was tired the whole day, but my brain worked well enough for me to get a lot of homework done (and the homework seemed to make sense), then last night I started feeling worse. With one of my fish tanks, I had a small issue that ended in a wet floor and an annoying mess.
Usually that doesnt stress me out too bad but yesterday It made me mad, I dont normally get mad. I had three tanks set up, one saltwater, one freshwater with just plants (no fish), and then the tank my used to be best friend gave me that had his fish in it (he couldnt take it to college).
I have been way too busy to maintain the tanks, so I decided that the two freshwater tanks needed to go. I texted some pictures to some friends and said whoever can help move them can have them, an hour or two later I was carrying my old best friends tank out with his fish to take over to another friends house (she was friends with him too), and another friend got my plants.
I thought great, two stresses out of my way. I was sad to get rid of the fish, even if I don't talk to that friend anymore, I like fish. I made sure the friend who got the fish was a friend that wouldnt kill it, but still I felt sad.
I was borderline manic yesterday, it was a day I couldn't stop and sit down. I cleaned, I took down and moved a fish tank, I carried 18 gallons of water across my friends yard and up the stairs, in one trip (8.3lbs X 18=149 LBS, I weight 147LBS FYI). All day I constantly felt frustrated and like I needed to be accomplishing something, I couldnt just stop. Yesterday I also had tears in my eyes several times, not crying or upset, it just happened. Which is something else that happened a lot last year and the year before with the whole PANDAS thing.
When I carried the 3 jugs of water into my friends house, in one trip, with one jug handle in each hand and on hanging from my wrist, I knew something wasnt right. I cant normally lift my bodys weight for one, much less carry it around and up stairs, so that was my tip off that I must be having an adrenaline rush or something. The water was so heavy it left a bruise on my wrist where I carried it. Didnt hurt when I carried it yesterday.

Then today, I woke up feeling not so hot. I had math class today and I met with the teacher after for some tutoring, and it went well, stressful but well.
When I got into my car I realised I was about ready for a mental breakdown and I was worn out, not terrible like I used to have happen to me, but I felt it. I had tears in my eyes on my way back to work, again no specific reason. Same thing when I got to work, I had to wipe my eyes with a tissue a few times when I was working.
Then when it was all over and I went home for dinner, I got a notifcation on my phone and all of my emotions from the last week or two made sense.
It was a calendar notification, this day 3 years ago is when my old best friend and I became best friends, its the day we first hung out and I first went over to his house. Every year after we would always do something for fun to celebrate. Except this one. I had forgotten about it, by some miracle. It hadnt even occured to me that today was any other day. But here we are.

I always associate the PANDAS symptoms and that friend together, because I got the PANDAS a few months after I first got to know him and hes the one I always talked to about it (and the only person I felt safe talking to about it because he seemed to get it). So to me it makes sense that those symptoms would coincide with thinking about that friend...
I cant believe that my body is still so...reactive? Im not sure how to word it. I have never been one to be all that attached to people, I have my set people I like and the ones I feel comfortable with, and thats good enough. I dont really strive to make friends with everyone I can at school (in fact some of those people I avoid because I think theyre gross, because well...some college kids are gross).
I dont understand why I cant get over this one person, its been months since Ive spoken to them, I have much better friends that wouldnt ever just drop me off the face of the earth. Im about to facetime one of them in a little bit, and I was facetiming one of them earlier from work.
Im telling myself its related to the PANDAS because of the OCD factor. Not sure if its true or not, because truthfully I dont know.
I even have dreams where I see that friend, usually in the dreams we are just hanging out doing something we used to do. I had two dreams or so last week. I didnt do that when we were friends, like ever at all.

I guess I need to keep on praying. God has gotten me through everything so far and he has placed some amazing people in my life who I love. One day, if its still bugging me and I find myself with free time, maybe I will talk to a counselor about it. I just hate to feel like I have made that big of a deal about this one person or let this person control that much of my life in some way.

It will be interesting to look back this time next year and see whats happening. Ive thought about last year a lot, and I like this one a lot more than the last several. By a ton. Next year is gonna be even better, Ive already decided it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a calendar notification to permanently delete.