Anxiety Returns
In the last week my anxiety has not been so great, and it isnt the usual "stress" anxiety where my thoughts race and I cant stop thinking about whatever it is thats bugging me (usually school). Its the kind where I feel like nothing is good enough, food doesnt taste right, I dont talk much when Im out with my friends, and my muscles will tense up randomly. I mean tense up hard, not like a cramp, but my fingers and or toes may curl, my calfs and my arms will tighten up and maybe contort into an odd shape thats not exactly "resting".
I dont know how else to explain it, but my body hasnt been happy. School is stressful right now and I have had to get a tutor for one class, and I havent even been able to find a tutor for the other class I need help with. And that is a big deal, I thought that was the only thing causing my PANDAS type anxiety.
Yesterday was a crazy day, it was very reminiscent of how I felt last year when I was doing so terrible. I was tired the whole day, but my brain worked well enough for me to get a lot of homework done (and the homework seemed to make sense), then last night I started feeling worse. With one of my fish tanks, I had a small issue that ended in a wet floor and an annoying mess.
Usually that doesnt stress me out too bad but yesterday It made me mad, I dont normally get mad. I had three tanks set up, one saltwater, one freshwater with just plants (no fish), and then the tank my used to be best friend gave me that had his fish in it (he couldnt take it to college).
I have been way too busy to maintain the tanks, so I decided that the two freshwater tanks needed to go. I texted some pictures to some friends and said whoever can help move them can have them, an hour or two later I was carrying my old best friends tank out with his fish to take over to another friends house (she was friends with him too), and another friend got my plants.
I thought great, two stresses out of my way. I was sad to get rid of the fish, even if I don't talk to that friend anymore, I like fish. I made sure the friend who got the fish was a friend that wouldnt kill it, but still I felt sad.
I was borderline manic yesterday, it was a day I couldn't stop and sit down. I cleaned, I took down and moved a fish tank, I carried 18 gallons of water across my friends yard and up the stairs, in one trip (8.3lbs X 18=149 LBS, I weight 147LBS FYI). All day I constantly felt frustrated and like I needed to be accomplishing something, I couldnt just stop. Yesterday I also had tears in my eyes several times, not crying or upset, it just happened. Which is something else that happened a lot last year and the year before with the whole PANDAS thing.
When I carried the 3 jugs of water into my friends house, in one trip, with one jug handle in each hand and on hanging from my wrist, I knew something wasnt right. I cant normally lift my bodys weight for one, much less carry it around and up stairs, so that was my tip off that I must be having an adrenaline rush or something. The water was so heavy it left a bruise on my wrist where I carried it. Didnt hurt when I carried it yesterday.
Then today, I woke up feeling not so hot. I had math class today and I met with the teacher after for some tutoring, and it went well, stressful but well.
When I got into my car I realised I was about ready for a mental breakdown and I was worn out, not terrible like I used to have happen to me, but I felt it. I had tears in my eyes on my way back to work, again no specific reason. Same thing when I got to work, I had to wipe my eyes with a tissue a few times when I was working.
Then when it was all over and I went home for dinner, I got a notifcation on my phone and all of my emotions from the last week or two made sense.
It was a calendar notification, this day 3 years ago is when my old best friend and I became best friends, its the day we first hung out and I first went over to his house. Every year after we would always do something for fun to celebrate. Except this one. I had forgotten about it, by some miracle. It hadnt even occured to me that today was any other day. But here we are.
I always associate the PANDAS symptoms and that friend together, because I got the PANDAS a few months after I first got to know him and hes the one I always talked to about it (and the only person I felt safe talking to about it because he seemed to get it). So to me it makes sense that those symptoms would coincide with thinking about that friend...
I cant believe that my body is still so...reactive? Im not sure how to word it. I have never been one to be all that attached to people, I have my set people I like and the ones I feel comfortable with, and thats good enough. I dont really strive to make friends with everyone I can at school (in fact some of those people I avoid because I think theyre gross, because well...some college kids are gross).
I dont understand why I cant get over this one person, its been months since Ive spoken to them, I have much better friends that wouldnt ever just drop me off the face of the earth. Im about to facetime one of them in a little bit, and I was facetiming one of them earlier from work.
Im telling myself its related to the PANDAS because of the OCD factor. Not sure if its true or not, because truthfully I dont know.
I even have dreams where I see that friend, usually in the dreams we are just hanging out doing something we used to do. I had two dreams or so last week. I didnt do that when we were friends, like ever at all.
I guess I need to keep on praying. God has gotten me through everything so far and he has placed some amazing people in my life who I love. One day, if its still bugging me and I find myself with free time, maybe I will talk to a counselor about it. I just hate to feel like I have made that big of a deal about this one person or let this person control that much of my life in some way.
It will be interesting to look back this time next year and see whats happening. Ive thought about last year a lot, and I like this one a lot more than the last several. By a ton. Next year is gonna be even better, Ive already decided it.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a calendar notification to permanently delete.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Monday, November 18, 2019
Thursday, January 3, 2019
What Will 2019 Behold?
In A Search
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?
I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.
Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.
Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.
I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....
Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?
I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.
Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.
Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.
I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....
Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.
Saturday, December 29, 2018
Emotional Floods
Long Week
I love the holidays and I love getting to see everyone at Christmas, friends come home from school and I get to see some family.
Always great.
Except when Im worn out. Which happens. A lot. On top of being worn out, I have managed to have the sniffles and a sore throat all week. Which further depletes my limited energy.
When im worn out I loose all hope of enjoying whatever it was that I had planned. I get caught up in my head and I drown in my thoughts. My thoughts just spin like a whirlpool. That usually ends in my emotions getting the best of me and me spending my night with some tears on my pillow.
Tonight has been one of those nights.
Last night my best friend spent the night with me and it was SO SO nice having him back. I didnt have to sleep alone and I had someone fun around to keep my spirits up. I didnt feel so lonely even though I was terribly drained and didnt feel like doing anything but laying down. He helped me with my car, having him help was amazing. We did in a few hours what would take me at least a week to do. One stress off my plate and it was fun having an assistant.
But in the end I was an emotional mess. When it was closer for him to leave I started crying and pouring out emotions. He was there for me the best he could, part of it was that I missed him and part of it was I was disappointed that we didnt do more fun things because I felt crumby (to say it mildly). I love it when he spends the night and we stay up half the night watching movies and playing games, this visit was a bit more on the mild side and I was spacey for most of it.
After he left I walked back into the house and cried again. It was just too many emotions for my tired body.
Christmas and christmas eve were similar. Had lots of fun doing things with friends and family but at the same time I wanted to be at home in bed crying. I wanted to be enjoying the traditional games at my friends house, but I just couldn't get into it.
Then I get upset for not being able to enjoy things. I want too so bad. Its just so frustrating that I always feel like Im looking through a snow globe at the outside world. I want to jump in and join and be a part of the fun and games.
Not sit on the sidelines staring off into space.
E has been great talking to this week. He called me the evening of Christmas day and we talked for over two hours. Because I was laying in my bed, in my quiet safe place, it was easy. I didnt enjoy it like a normal person would but its okay because he has the same feelings I do. The things he enjoys, really isn't the same. Things are more...pleasant or nice...not exciting or joyful, sometimes its better to be doing an activity than twiddling our thumbs in the corner, even if we dont really feel the effects of it.
When im in my safe place like that though, I feel more at ease and its easier to get enjoyment out of things.
Im planning on going to church tomorrow, ive gotten really really bad at actually going to church anymore. Its a push to even do that. My best friend will be there, and another good friend whom I love needs a ride to church so I am picking him up beforehand , its good for me. I just wish I had the energy and stamina to enjoy it. and the brain to remember whatever the pastor speaks on.
It amazes me how one week I can be doing 85-95% normal and the next week feel like im dying. I wish some of these new supplements would kick in a little more. but the dr told me it could take 6 weeks or so...(i think. idk i can't remember)
I love the holidays and I love getting to see everyone at Christmas, friends come home from school and I get to see some family.
Always great.
Except when Im worn out. Which happens. A lot. On top of being worn out, I have managed to have the sniffles and a sore throat all week. Which further depletes my limited energy.
When im worn out I loose all hope of enjoying whatever it was that I had planned. I get caught up in my head and I drown in my thoughts. My thoughts just spin like a whirlpool. That usually ends in my emotions getting the best of me and me spending my night with some tears on my pillow.
Tonight has been one of those nights.
Last night my best friend spent the night with me and it was SO SO nice having him back. I didnt have to sleep alone and I had someone fun around to keep my spirits up. I didnt feel so lonely even though I was terribly drained and didnt feel like doing anything but laying down. He helped me with my car, having him help was amazing. We did in a few hours what would take me at least a week to do. One stress off my plate and it was fun having an assistant.
But in the end I was an emotional mess. When it was closer for him to leave I started crying and pouring out emotions. He was there for me the best he could, part of it was that I missed him and part of it was I was disappointed that we didnt do more fun things because I felt crumby (to say it mildly). I love it when he spends the night and we stay up half the night watching movies and playing games, this visit was a bit more on the mild side and I was spacey for most of it.
After he left I walked back into the house and cried again. It was just too many emotions for my tired body.
Christmas and christmas eve were similar. Had lots of fun doing things with friends and family but at the same time I wanted to be at home in bed crying. I wanted to be enjoying the traditional games at my friends house, but I just couldn't get into it.
Then I get upset for not being able to enjoy things. I want too so bad. Its just so frustrating that I always feel like Im looking through a snow globe at the outside world. I want to jump in and join and be a part of the fun and games.
Not sit on the sidelines staring off into space.
E has been great talking to this week. He called me the evening of Christmas day and we talked for over two hours. Because I was laying in my bed, in my quiet safe place, it was easy. I didnt enjoy it like a normal person would but its okay because he has the same feelings I do. The things he enjoys, really isn't the same. Things are more...pleasant or nice...not exciting or joyful, sometimes its better to be doing an activity than twiddling our thumbs in the corner, even if we dont really feel the effects of it.
When im in my safe place like that though, I feel more at ease and its easier to get enjoyment out of things.
Im planning on going to church tomorrow, ive gotten really really bad at actually going to church anymore. Its a push to even do that. My best friend will be there, and another good friend whom I love needs a ride to church so I am picking him up beforehand , its good for me. I just wish I had the energy and stamina to enjoy it. and the brain to remember whatever the pastor speaks on.
It amazes me how one week I can be doing 85-95% normal and the next week feel like im dying. I wish some of these new supplements would kick in a little more. but the dr told me it could take 6 weeks or so...(i think. idk i can't remember)
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Thankful for the Pain
In All Things
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.
I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.
I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.
I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.
I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.
Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.
I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.
I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.
I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.
I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.
Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)
Sunday, November 4, 2018
A Weekend With A Side of +Rest
On The Bright Side
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.
I felt peace
I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.
But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.
But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.
I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.
Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.
I felt peace
I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.
But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.
But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.
I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.
Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Oh Where has my Hamster Gone?
Anyone seen my hamster running around? I think he jumped off the wheel and just wandered away. Long vacation perhaps?
Anyway, brain fog has been present lately but not the worst it has been. Sudden sadness that comes spontaneously has also been showing itself whole lot more than I appreciate.
It can happen at work, school, home, or with friends. It doesn't matter to my brain what I am doing or who I am with.
What causes this? ugh. I know, its one of those things that just is what it is for the time being. It is just so difficult to deal with life when sadness creeps up on me making me feel like crying and hiding. It makes me paranoid of the people around me, friends or not. The paranoia that everyone around me dislikes me or pretends to tolerate me just to be nice, is a rather taxing emotion. I like to tell myself it is just paranoia, but sometimes I don't know.
Work has risen back onto the stress spectrum once again. Every time I think something in my life is returning to normal-boom-wrong I am. I have found myself sticking up for another coworker who is, in my opinion, not entirely being treated as she should. Due to the paranoia, I can't tell if I am right or not. On top of that I find myself doing other peoples work so things don't get piled up. Whats worse, the slackers in the office are family members to the bosses. Naturally.
It will be a temporary issue, either someone sets them straight or I hand in my two weeks notice and walk on out the door. Its the stress factor that bothers me and causes me issues, not the work itself. I have not had to do any ridiculous amount of work to pickup for the slackers. I have however found myself annoyed by their corner cutting. but because its their family....its a waste trying to get the laziness resolved.
Needless to say, I find myself uncomfortable at work when it used to be my second home. For me its a big deal to be uncomfortable, I feel shut down and my brain just doesn't function a whole lot. With all the issues going on in my head and body...I have to have that connection where I am.
Often times at work or school I feel like its just me, other people are around but almost in another dimension. I just float through it all until I find myself back at home, alone in my bed.
I wish I never needed or wanted to leave my room. Even being around the people I love I just don't feel the bond I used to have, why? I used to love work, I loved doing well in school, and I loved going out with my friends. That was kinda my life for a long time but now, where did it go?
Ughh.
My heart rate is beginning to rise again. I can feel it. My fingers feel swollen sometimes especially in the tips. And my fitbit says my average heart rate is higher than it was last week.
This hasn't even been a stressful week! I have felt fairly well. Only a few sad teary moments. I have actually had a fair bit of energy to play around with and on top of that, minimal pain. Thats huge for me to have energy.
Hm. One day this will all be resolved and my body will function well enough for me to be a so called normal human.
Anyway, for now-
Dear Mr.Hamster,
If you get this post could you come home? I miss you making all the gears in my brain turn. I need that in my life.
Love, your old hamster wheel.
Anyway, brain fog has been present lately but not the worst it has been. Sudden sadness that comes spontaneously has also been showing itself whole lot more than I appreciate.
It can happen at work, school, home, or with friends. It doesn't matter to my brain what I am doing or who I am with.
What causes this? ugh. I know, its one of those things that just is what it is for the time being. It is just so difficult to deal with life when sadness creeps up on me making me feel like crying and hiding. It makes me paranoid of the people around me, friends or not. The paranoia that everyone around me dislikes me or pretends to tolerate me just to be nice, is a rather taxing emotion. I like to tell myself it is just paranoia, but sometimes I don't know.
Work has risen back onto the stress spectrum once again. Every time I think something in my life is returning to normal-boom-wrong I am. I have found myself sticking up for another coworker who is, in my opinion, not entirely being treated as she should. Due to the paranoia, I can't tell if I am right or not. On top of that I find myself doing other peoples work so things don't get piled up. Whats worse, the slackers in the office are family members to the bosses. Naturally.
It will be a temporary issue, either someone sets them straight or I hand in my two weeks notice and walk on out the door. Its the stress factor that bothers me and causes me issues, not the work itself. I have not had to do any ridiculous amount of work to pickup for the slackers. I have however found myself annoyed by their corner cutting. but because its their family....its a waste trying to get the laziness resolved.
Needless to say, I find myself uncomfortable at work when it used to be my second home. For me its a big deal to be uncomfortable, I feel shut down and my brain just doesn't function a whole lot. With all the issues going on in my head and body...I have to have that connection where I am.
Often times at work or school I feel like its just me, other people are around but almost in another dimension. I just float through it all until I find myself back at home, alone in my bed.
I wish I never needed or wanted to leave my room. Even being around the people I love I just don't feel the bond I used to have, why? I used to love work, I loved doing well in school, and I loved going out with my friends. That was kinda my life for a long time but now, where did it go?
Ughh.
My heart rate is beginning to rise again. I can feel it. My fingers feel swollen sometimes especially in the tips. And my fitbit says my average heart rate is higher than it was last week.
This hasn't even been a stressful week! I have felt fairly well. Only a few sad teary moments. I have actually had a fair bit of energy to play around with and on top of that, minimal pain. Thats huge for me to have energy.
Hm. One day this will all be resolved and my body will function well enough for me to be a so called normal human.
Anyway, for now-
Dear Mr.Hamster,
If you get this post could you come home? I miss you making all the gears in my brain turn. I need that in my life.
Love, your old hamster wheel.
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Rough and Shaky
Pull it Together
Another rough day today. I think I wanted to jump right out of my skin, just right on out of it. I slept in late on purpose to get as much rest as possible. I woke up the same as I went to bed last night. I didn’t want to deal with it, I hate feeling sad and lonely. Once I got moving for real this morning I went straight to doing homework, I had to do something to keep my brain distracted. It took a while before I could muster up the real energy I needed to get moving and get out of bed for more than a few minutes. Once the homework was out of the way I still had to keep moving for survival. So I took my Volvo on an adventure. I got my haircut, had the emissions checked (PASSED!), and then we returned home.
The whole rest of the afternoon consisted of me taking apart the Volvo and working on some things. I didn’t have the energy to be outside all day but I made it happen. I tried to stopping and coming inside but I was only inside a few minutes before I realized I couldn’t stop. I needed to have something to distract my mind and keep my hands working. In other words I needed to burn every bit of energy in my system so my brain had no more to run wild with. Working on the car works for me right now because I can physically do the work it needs but it requires a little concentration and brain power which keeps me in a slightly better place than I would be otherwise. Hey it even gets me outside too, during the winter time I am an inside being. I don’t do the cold. Not at all. So for now this system works,
I had some friends over this evening, also to keep me distracted after dark when I could no longer burn energy with the car(it’s really not that broken). We played clue. I don’t play board games often, turns out those require focus and brain power with a side of memory. Dang, fresh out of those.
I am probably one of the worst people to play with, or at least in this current state. In Clue you have to remember the other players characters names....yea I can’t do that. Mr green, Sargent plum, orchids, I don’t know but every time I had to take my turn and pretend I knew what was happening I would look at the friend I wanted to accuse and say-so who are you?
It really was fun to play, but it made me feel lost and stupid. I accomplished my goal of not being alone and socializing while also keeping my brain distracted. I enjoyed it. I promise. I think..I don’t remember much of what happened, I was a space cadet. Lost in space searching my brain for a place not infected with cobwebs.
While everyone else was playing the game or talking I was trying to figure it who was who.
Eventually the games ended and we only had one other person here. It was nice, I was tired but I had someone to socialize with for a little bit until I was ready to check in for the night.
None of my close friends came, it was more so my sisters crowd. Nothing wrong with that but when all my friends had something else to do it made me self conscious a bit. I have the paranoia of why can’t I be the one they are busy with? Why am I always the one searching out for one of my friends, never the one that gets chosen. In other words, I’m the first to be needed if someone wants something but last to be picked for a get together. I may even be wrong and I can’t see it, I know I’m paranoid. These are some of the thoughts that haunt me.
Last week my doctor told me I was one of his difficult cases. At the clinic I see people with canes, walkers, and wheelchairs-those are supposed to be the difficult ones. I can walk, I work part time, school full time, have a social life, and have two semi demanding hobbies. I am not perfect and awesome at all of these things, my energy does waver and my progress with these things can suffer. But I don’t consider myself one of the more difficult ones. It was just a tad unsettling, I’ve been in treatment for years and I can see how some people are way better than I am at this point. My symptoms are just very clingy, I have never had a perfect 0 on the pain scale of a perfect 10 on the energy scale, it just doesn’t happen for me. I just suck at sitting down and not being productive, I have to keep swimming or I feel useless.
I am hoping that this last visit to the clinic will be a big turnaround. It always takes me a few days to recover from traveling home from the clinic and starting the new remedies. I know I am in the beginning of the detox period where I’ll feel funky for a while then one day I’ll wake up and feel like a cloud was lifted. I just have to wait for that day.
I know I am making progress. I see it in my bloodwork and in my skin even. I’ve been told I look better than I used to.
Before started at the clinic two years ago my skin had started taking on a pale purple complexion. Those days are gone. My face looks human again, some days I don’t even have big purple circle under my eyes. I know these all mean positive things and my face does usually reflect how I feel. Unfortunately very few people actually pay much attention to how I look. People notice that I didn’t brush my hair but rarely does anyone notice I’m pale or zoned out. Funny how that is....vanity is obvious but whose going to notice if I’m present in the moment.
I have officially rambled for a whole post. I think I’ve been typing for 45 minutes now....I don’t even remember what I started this post off with. Another goal accomplished, I think I have finally burned my energy candle for the day and I can go to sleep
*sigh*
Another rough day today. I think I wanted to jump right out of my skin, just right on out of it. I slept in late on purpose to get as much rest as possible. I woke up the same as I went to bed last night. I didn’t want to deal with it, I hate feeling sad and lonely. Once I got moving for real this morning I went straight to doing homework, I had to do something to keep my brain distracted. It took a while before I could muster up the real energy I needed to get moving and get out of bed for more than a few minutes. Once the homework was out of the way I still had to keep moving for survival. So I took my Volvo on an adventure. I got my haircut, had the emissions checked (PASSED!), and then we returned home.
The whole rest of the afternoon consisted of me taking apart the Volvo and working on some things. I didn’t have the energy to be outside all day but I made it happen. I tried to stopping and coming inside but I was only inside a few minutes before I realized I couldn’t stop. I needed to have something to distract my mind and keep my hands working. In other words I needed to burn every bit of energy in my system so my brain had no more to run wild with. Working on the car works for me right now because I can physically do the work it needs but it requires a little concentration and brain power which keeps me in a slightly better place than I would be otherwise. Hey it even gets me outside too, during the winter time I am an inside being. I don’t do the cold. Not at all. So for now this system works,
I had some friends over this evening, also to keep me distracted after dark when I could no longer burn energy with the car(it’s really not that broken). We played clue. I don’t play board games often, turns out those require focus and brain power with a side of memory. Dang, fresh out of those.
I am probably one of the worst people to play with, or at least in this current state. In Clue you have to remember the other players characters names....yea I can’t do that. Mr green, Sargent plum, orchids, I don’t know but every time I had to take my turn and pretend I knew what was happening I would look at the friend I wanted to accuse and say-so who are you?
It really was fun to play, but it made me feel lost and stupid. I accomplished my goal of not being alone and socializing while also keeping my brain distracted. I enjoyed it. I promise. I think..I don’t remember much of what happened, I was a space cadet. Lost in space searching my brain for a place not infected with cobwebs.
While everyone else was playing the game or talking I was trying to figure it who was who.
Eventually the games ended and we only had one other person here. It was nice, I was tired but I had someone to socialize with for a little bit until I was ready to check in for the night.
None of my close friends came, it was more so my sisters crowd. Nothing wrong with that but when all my friends had something else to do it made me self conscious a bit. I have the paranoia of why can’t I be the one they are busy with? Why am I always the one searching out for one of my friends, never the one that gets chosen. In other words, I’m the first to be needed if someone wants something but last to be picked for a get together. I may even be wrong and I can’t see it, I know I’m paranoid. These are some of the thoughts that haunt me.
Last week my doctor told me I was one of his difficult cases. At the clinic I see people with canes, walkers, and wheelchairs-those are supposed to be the difficult ones. I can walk, I work part time, school full time, have a social life, and have two semi demanding hobbies. I am not perfect and awesome at all of these things, my energy does waver and my progress with these things can suffer. But I don’t consider myself one of the more difficult ones. It was just a tad unsettling, I’ve been in treatment for years and I can see how some people are way better than I am at this point. My symptoms are just very clingy, I have never had a perfect 0 on the pain scale of a perfect 10 on the energy scale, it just doesn’t happen for me. I just suck at sitting down and not being productive, I have to keep swimming or I feel useless.
I am hoping that this last visit to the clinic will be a big turnaround. It always takes me a few days to recover from traveling home from the clinic and starting the new remedies. I know I am in the beginning of the detox period where I’ll feel funky for a while then one day I’ll wake up and feel like a cloud was lifted. I just have to wait for that day.
I know I am making progress. I see it in my bloodwork and in my skin even. I’ve been told I look better than I used to.
Before started at the clinic two years ago my skin had started taking on a pale purple complexion. Those days are gone. My face looks human again, some days I don’t even have big purple circle under my eyes. I know these all mean positive things and my face does usually reflect how I feel. Unfortunately very few people actually pay much attention to how I look. People notice that I didn’t brush my hair but rarely does anyone notice I’m pale or zoned out. Funny how that is....vanity is obvious but whose going to notice if I’m present in the moment.
I have officially rambled for a whole post. I think I’ve been typing for 45 minutes now....I don’t even remember what I started this post off with. Another goal accomplished, I think I have finally burned my energy candle for the day and I can go to sleep
*sigh*
Friday, February 2, 2018
Heart Troubles
A lot has been going on in my life over the last few weeks that I need to share. One big thing that has been front and center is my heart. Two weeks ago, Saturday night around 1:30-2:00 am, my heart decided that it would be a great time to just go. So it did. It beat for hours...all night...then all the next day..and the next day, and the next day. I thought it was going to jump right out of my chest. This just wore me out, saturday night to tuesday afternoon, non stop.
This heart marathon beat me down, it frustrated me, it made me so tired, and along with it came an adrenaline rush. You know what you can't do during an adrenaline rush? Sleep. You know what I didn't do much of during this time? Sleep. On Monday I picked up a bottle of Calm magnesium to take because I know magnesium has helped me with some of these issues in the past. Sometime tuesday afternoon this heart ordeal began calming down, then wednesday was a good day(maybe even mildly fantastic). Thursday, also a good day. Friday, surprise again-good day. Then comes Saturday night, boom, back to a heart marathon. No idea what caused it either night. I never stopped with the magnesium.
The next morning, sunday in church, was terrible. I was just out of it...the morning started out okay but the longer that I was awake the less I felt like being upright.
So since these events I have been loading on magnesium with some success. I also started doing a drop of frankincense and lemon oil in my water bottle once a day and I drink this throughout the day. Between the magnesium and the oils, I have found a little bit of relief and stability. The oils seem to have calmed down my brain and made me more alert, which in turn may also be calming the adrenaline surges. The mag has no doubt made me more relaxed, I must say this has been a nice relief.
I do not know what suddenly set this off. It just came up and never totally disappeared.
I spoke to one of the doctors I work for. He's a big fitbit fan like I am, so he asked me for the readouts of my heart rate according to my fitbit. He looked at it and say my average/resting beats per minute is much higher than it should be especially for my age. He looked at me and said something along the lines of-I am twice your age, overweight, too busy to take care of myself, and I don't eat the best diet and my heart rate is way better than yours.
When he put it in that perspective I was like oh...maybe this has been an issue longer than I thought. He told me his resting heart rate stays in the upper 50's to mid 60's. Mine is at upper 60's to low 70's, with periodic spikes around 115 bpm or more.
Even before the sudden heart racing my resting bpm was mid 60's, with a few mild spikes up into the 100's.
I do not know what I need to do now...last time I had IV meds my heart symptoms improved significantly for a few weeks. That was about a month ago, I guess its about time to consider doing another round. My IV's consist of magnesium, B's, C, and Sodium Bicarbonate.
I just honestly do not want to go back to the doctor to just sit in a chair, freezing, for however long it takes for the bags to drip into me. I just don't. I like how I feel the day after the infusions, usually I feel better across the board. I just do not want to keep doing that.
I had enjoyed my hiatus from the IV pole.
I must add something else. Its not just my heart physically thats causing me issues, emotionally I have a lot running through me. A lot of memories from when I first got sick have been coming back as well as thinking about how my friend group has changed over the years. Looking back there are a lot of things I miss about my friends. When I first became sick I, like most lyme people, lost communication with some friends. I wasn't any longer in sight of my friends all the time, because I was spending more time at home in bed. I knew that people my age did not understand what being chronically ill meant. I tried to be understanding by reasoning with myself that they just did not understand what being sick meant and that they just had other things to do.
Well, now that I am older and going through round two of a long time down swing in health, I am discovering that the people I know have not changed, even the people I know now that I did not know then are they same. If I am not front and center to their attention I kinda get pushed to the wayside. Now that I and my friends are older, they just have different excuses for being busy or not responding to text messages.
Today I had an appointment with the massage therapist at work for her to work on my abdominal muscles. The muscles around my stomach are super tight causing me issues with eating.
In reality though, I just had that appointment to have someone to talk to who actually knows me. After the appointment she asked if the massage had helped my stomach, I said it doesn't feel much different and she agreed. I think it would be safe to say that my stomach is where I store my stress these days.
On another note, I told one of my school friends about lyme disease today. I am not close to anyone really at school. I have friends and we have small group that sticks together, but really only at school. I do not share much of my personal life with them, being sick is one of the most personal aspects of my life, so I do not tell just anyone and everyone.
Before today only one other friend of mine at school knew I was sick.
The conversation went well. She was talking to me about this new healthy diet she was trying so I asked why she was doing it, her response was so that she could start trying to form better dietary habits. I told her I avoid sugar, wheat, and dairy. Naturally she asked why would I do that, so I explained my health situation.
I was surprised at how understanding she was and that she actually asked me questions about my illness. Usually people kinda brush it off and try to move on, politely of course. Turns out her mom has MS, so she understands some of the basic chronic illness things and has heard of lyme disease before. She thought it was easily treatable, I explained to her how its only easy in the beginning.
All in all, I liked talking to her about all of this briefly, it is not often I get to reach outside of the bubble of myself to talk about these health struggles. It makes the whole chronic illness deal rather lonely and sad.
Today has been a long day, its now after 2:00 am and I am still wide awake...after a day of school, work, homework, and a sleeping pill I would like to sleep. Unfortunately, it just is not happening tonight. I have no idea what I have done to my brain, but relaxing to sleep at night is becoming more of a rarity than normal.....
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Standing in an Empty Room Full of People
Have you ever been talking to someone and thought” wait, the person in front of me is talking and I haven’t heard a single word.” Or maybe felt that you just don’t connect with certain people. That’s what life with my new brain has been. It doesn’t matter who I’m around or where on this earth I am, I feel totally alone. Like a dark black hole of sadness yet desperation. Who could feel alone with a dozen or more people around? Why is this even possible? Why can’t anyone help me?
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?
Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.
Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.
Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*
I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.
Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.
Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said it’s not often, but it’s special to me.
Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.
Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.
I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.
On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things. It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.
In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?
Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.
Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.
Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*
I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.
Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.
Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said it’s not often, but it’s special to me.
Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.
Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.
I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.
On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things. It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.
In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
When Time Stops
I am back at the clinic for part of this week and I had a realization today. I was laying on the couch in the hotel room, thinking about all the homework I needed to get done and also how alone I have been feeling.
The TV was going but I was hardly watching it, I was so tired for most of this afternoon that I have been lost in space. Whenever I get like this I tend to just flip through my phone, flipping from one page to another. Opening an app then closing it, until I decide I need to do something better with my time. I realized that time had stopped, minutes felt like hours, I wasn't talking to anyone, TV was just noise, I didn't want to read, I couldn't do anything. I was so tired and foggy I couldn't make myself do any of my normal activities.
On top of that I realized I wasn't talking to anyone because time has not stopped for my friend, they are all either in school or at work. They don"t have the time to talk to me right now, too much life in the way. I haven't heard from my best friend since 6:30am yesterday, he hasn't seen any of my messages about whats going on with me here at the clinic, School and work dictate otherwise. Its sad for me, because he's one of the very few people I feel like I actually connect with, but he isn't sick-his life cant just stop because of me. Same with the rest of my friends and family.
Add that to the list of chronic disease symptoms that others just do not understand, being alone because the disease even infects our time. Our day, Our week, Our year.
I would so much rather have been at work today, joking around with my co workers and working on a new project I have been assigned to overhead. It would be easier to do my homework at home, in my own bed or on my own couch. The hotel room is nice and plenty comfortable, but it ain't home. You cannot beat being at home when you don't feel well. All other environments feel so cold and absent when the world is crashing down around you, only the chronically ill will understand what I just said. Its just not an option right now, I cant be home and honestly I don't feel well enough to be at home. Coming to see my doctor is what I have to do right now.
Today, after a whole morning and afternoon of trying to muster the energy and motivation, I finished reading my history book for class. Next I have to write a paper on it, but lets not think about that right now.
My doctor visits have been going very well, I can see progress in my future. I do have a little bit of peace, but too much brain fog to let me hold onto it.
The TV was going but I was hardly watching it, I was so tired for most of this afternoon that I have been lost in space. Whenever I get like this I tend to just flip through my phone, flipping from one page to another. Opening an app then closing it, until I decide I need to do something better with my time. I realized that time had stopped, minutes felt like hours, I wasn't talking to anyone, TV was just noise, I didn't want to read, I couldn't do anything. I was so tired and foggy I couldn't make myself do any of my normal activities.
On top of that I realized I wasn't talking to anyone because time has not stopped for my friend, they are all either in school or at work. They don"t have the time to talk to me right now, too much life in the way. I haven't heard from my best friend since 6:30am yesterday, he hasn't seen any of my messages about whats going on with me here at the clinic, School and work dictate otherwise. Its sad for me, because he's one of the very few people I feel like I actually connect with, but he isn't sick-his life cant just stop because of me. Same with the rest of my friends and family.
Add that to the list of chronic disease symptoms that others just do not understand, being alone because the disease even infects our time. Our day, Our week, Our year.
I would so much rather have been at work today, joking around with my co workers and working on a new project I have been assigned to overhead. It would be easier to do my homework at home, in my own bed or on my own couch. The hotel room is nice and plenty comfortable, but it ain't home. You cannot beat being at home when you don't feel well. All other environments feel so cold and absent when the world is crashing down around you, only the chronically ill will understand what I just said. Its just not an option right now, I cant be home and honestly I don't feel well enough to be at home. Coming to see my doctor is what I have to do right now.
Today, after a whole morning and afternoon of trying to muster the energy and motivation, I finished reading my history book for class. Next I have to write a paper on it, but lets not think about that right now.
My doctor visits have been going very well, I can see progress in my future. I do have a little bit of peace, but too much brain fog to let me hold onto it.
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