It's the 4th of July and...

I feel like crap...

That's the simplest way to put it that is. It's late at night/early in the am, I'm wide awake. Last week I finished the Brain Wave Optimization, the only change I noticed is I have a little more focus and alertness during the day. Sleep is more less, unchanged. The night time depression that comes and goes is still goin....

I hadn't really had it too much until after last week. The BWO may have stirred something up. Lately I've been analyzing life, goals for the summer and the like. So far I'm not impressed with what's been going on...
I have almost finished 1 library book, I have not found a job, I don't feel any better now that I'm out of school, and my sense of accomplishment is about 0!
I thought that maybe after school was out my body would perk up, because that stress was over. Nope. No change. I felt more productive doing school.


Work-I thought it would be great to find a summer job. I would love some more work experience, because I have very little. I have searched and spoken to people, at this moment my only real option is working at a fast food restaurant...I cannot eat the food and I don't support the business...fast food is one of the few jobs I just would rather not think of as an option. I'm not a picky person, but right now I cannot find anything else. Not even Walmart. I checked. Many times.

I did find one job and sent in an application, I don't have high hopes. I went into the place and asked about the job. They weren't even sure the job was open, they would have to get back to me later this week. I gave them my number and name, with hopes, but that can't be a good sign if they don't even know if they have a job.
It's a business I would rather not support, but it is something I would at least half way enjoy(and it isn't fast food).

Anyway, to my point...

Can I tell you what Lyme disease does to self worth?? Kills it, dead. If you can't work, can't accomplish anything but read, and you can't even exercise, how do you build yourself up? I sure can't. The only thing I do is hang out with friends, when they aren't working.
Lyme disease has burnt out my brain. It's hard for me to even think about work, I can hardly do math(some days I can't at all), focus comes and goes, and energy can disapear in an instant. If I were to put anything about my personal life on a résumé they would probably send it back thinking it was a joke...
Can't do math, may not actually be able to work, may forget task at hand-doesn't scream worker of the year does it?

I know I work hard. I had to work hard to find out what was wrong with me, when no one else could. (Guess job experience doesn't teach common sense, at least to doctors) I have to work to go to sleep. Reading is a significant amount of work, just to focus on the page and actually finish the book. Being sick every day, is a job on its own. Sadly it doesn't pay and other people don't think much of the experience gained from being sick.
It all has to be personal gains, and anything I can possibly share with other people who suffer.

I know deep in my heart, if it was my time to be doing something different-I would be. God has a plan, a plan that is usually different than the agenda we create. But it's hard to watch other people make something of themselves, and my accomplishment is I just about have the tv lineup memorized....

There isn't a great deal of summer left, college starts next. More school will equal more stress, if I don't watch it I will make myself sick. Lyme+stress is a dangerous combination (I can already hear people who've experienced this agree).
I don't have a choice, I have to keep going. I have to get something accomplished. The personal victories just don't seem to mean anything to other people.

Life is funny

Post of Frustration...UGHH

When is it over?

I am looking forward to the day I can walk without aching knees and lay down and go to sleep. That's what I'm starting today's post off with, because it's a positive outlook.

Now for the rest. I am depressed. Just to simply put it, I feel like no matter what I do, I will always have bad days. That in the end, I have only had band aids to my body and when therapies are stopped I'll regress. If I don't stop I feel like I'm throwing my time and energy out the window because I may not get better.

Its a lose lose situation!

I do the therapies, meet with the doctors, educate myself, find the next best thing, but am I just making things better now. I want to be better all the time-24/7. I believe in my doctor. I believe he gets patients 100% well, I believe I will be one of those patients. I'm just afraid it will be years and years upon more years, before I get to be one of those patients to get well...
I know I have written many posts this year talking about my improvement. I have improved greatly, even now I am better than I have been. The process to get well is just so slow and I feel alone when I'm not well.

I need to elaborate when I say depressed. I'm not standard depressed, I just get depressed at night. During the day I usually have no problem. At night, I feel like it's the end of the world. Like everything I do is worthless, that all of my actions of the day were wrong, I could have done/said/planned whatever it is better and what I did was a mistake, I just start to feel like I have nothing.

I don't know what to do about it. I haven't told the doctors because I know it will resolve with treatment and on some nights it's not bad. I don't know if that's a good choice of not, but I don't want anymore tests that get me put on anymore pills that aren't a permanent fix. Ugh...I feel like I have an amazing doctor, but many days I still feel like I have to fend for myself.

I know I have stated a hundred times before I don't sleep at night. I don't sleep much at all and its late when I finally get to sleep. It just is what it is these days, I sleep better during therapy at the clinic in Kansas. That's good. But that's it. At home I go back to my normal sleep patterns.

This week I am doing brain wave optimization therapy to try to get my brainwaves back in gear. I hope it works. But I'll be honest, my first thought when I started this therapy wasn't This is it, after this I'm going to sleep normal again. My thoughts were, this is boring...what's the chance it's even going to work.
It's not that I don't have faith in the therapy, buy I've just done so many different therapies and remedies in the past....I still don't sleep. Is this really going to be it?? I mean, I'm tired of doing so many different treatments.

It's depressing not being able to do what other people do. I want to get up and go to work, I want to exercise for fun, I want to throw out all my medicines, I don't want to know my doctors home phone number!
Can I tell you what it's like to become chronically ill and your own doctor at 13? It's hard. It's complicated. I wouldn't even know where to start, so I'll just say this,

It would be nice if I could go online and find a study saying XYZ treatment fixed X-Lyme disease problem 100%. I can go online and find all sorts of official, authenticated, backed studies with a bunch of diseases showing what will be beneficial and what's not. Treating Lyme disease is like gambling, who knows what's going to happen.
That goes for traditional, alternative, conventional, whatever you chose treatment. None, NONE have anything to back them with enough information to give people a cure for the disease. Kill bacteria sure, you can find studies about killing bacteria,

But it's not about killing the bacteria, it's about making the patient LIVE!