Week with the Doctor

Just Completed my Second Week at the Clinic for the Year

I spent the week with the doctor, this is the second trip this year.

It went extremely well, my test results as a whole have stayed consistent and I haven't gotten any worse from the last time I visited the clinic. I have been feeling great, going to the gym 4-5x a week, i've been sleeping well, had decent energy, and for the most part feeling normal. He is happy with the progress I have made since my visit in March, once again he said there is no lyme or pathogen's in my system causing me issues, its just a matter of cleaning up the damage that the lyme has left.

Since this time last year, I have gained around 20lbs, which is a big deal for me. I still need to gain more but it is not something I need to worry too much on. This week the doctor did spend some time focusing on my gut so that in theory I can start eating more sooner rather than later. He is not too discouraged by how much I eat, but he does want my appetite to be more consistent (because some days I couldn't care less if I ate or not).

He did work on my gut, brain, lungs, liver and heart this week and that was it. I am taking probably half of the amount of supplements as to what I normally would be taking-which is fantastic. No parasites either, which was a problem forever. Parasite treatment was the worst too!

I am pretty excited, I won't need to see him again until March next year. If it wasn't for my school schedule limiting when I can and cannot go I probably wouldn't go back to the clinic for a year. My March visit next year will probably be the only visit to the clinic next year, which would be the best yet. This year and last, I visited the clinic two per year. Back when I first started going I went 3x the first year, I think 4x the second because I ended up getting very sick (or it may have been the third year...I would have to look back at my notes). In total I have been going for 5 and a half years, which is daunting to think about. Niether my parents, my doctor, or myself thought it would take this long to get my body back to normal. I still struggle with issues here and there, sometimes I do still feel depressed or defeated, I still just get totally worn out sometimes, and I do have to push myself hard to keep my motivation. But. I am doing well. When I have a bad day, I know it will be short lived. Instead of a bad month its just a bad day. I like being able to live my life without really having to think "oh yea, I have lyme disease"

I have made great progress over the last year, I am feeling much better and feeling more normal. I have to say I have one of the best doctors in the world!

I probably will post less on my blog only because I do not have as much to share, but I am not leaving by any stretch. Years ago when I spent so much time reading lyme blogs I found that some would just end, without any idea as to what happened to the writer. Some others would end when the writer started doing better. I want to continue to catalog and share what happens with my life, because Lyme has been a part of my life for so long it has shaped my future.

Because of Lyme I chose to pursue a career in alternative medicine, I will be applying to grad schools in the next month or two. I plan on becoming a chiropractor, I am also considering pursuing a Masters in psychology so that I could be a counselor in addition. In December of this year, I will finally finish my undergraduate degree in psychology. I am super excited for this!

Years ago, in one of my more emotional posts on what lyme can do to ones mental state, I talked about how I felt like it hurt me more to dream about the future because I was not healthy or capable enough to do the things I needed and wanted. I feel like now, I can dream all I want and my body wont be what holds me back. I know psychologically I will struggle a little bit more than others when it comes to some things, but because I know that and I have had some great resources, I will now be able to cope more so than in the past. Brain fog and forgetfulness still happens, it may even be a "normal" amount-truthfully I don't know. My doctor told me that most likely what will happen is that I will start remembering more from here on out, but the things I have forgotten over the years may or may not come back. SO five years from now I will remember this point forward, but some things from five years ago now I may never get back. Which is ok, because I still am making progress.

I have some other "health" goals I need to push for myself that all of us, chronic or not, need to be working on. I have mentioned before about how much my psychology teachers have pushed us to manage our stress, because that will be the prevention we need to keep away from all sorts of ailments. I need to work some more on my spirituality, I have gotten so bad at reading books of any kind because it is hard for me to sit down and read-especially if it is something I want to read to remember. I need to get back into doing some reading and studying, outside of school.

I pray often but I would not say I have been pushing my relationship with God very much as I should be.

I want to continue being able to share with others with lyme or chronic illness that there is hope, ignore what the doctors or naysayers say and push your own pathway towards healing. I have no idea if I will ever have a lyme flair again, I may not or I may have a lot more ahead. Who knows. But what will count is how I handle it mentally, physically and emotionally.

Back to School

Math Class
Its the end of the first week of September and school is completely back in action and in full swing! I kept doing some classes through the summer, so I never took a full break per say. But doing a couple of scattered classes over the whole summer is still so much easier than a full load, which, yet again, I somehow managed to forget.

Today for the first time I had to admit what I would refer to as defeat. I had to talk to my boss at the end of the work day and for the first time EVER in my rather short working career, cut my hours. I just cant do it. Im overwhelmed and my body is tired. I honestly think I did better at getting things done when I felt like crap than I do now, I think the adrenaline from being afraid of falling asleep in class and falling short may have been needed to keep me running like I was.
I just had to stop. Five college classes and 30 hour work weeks, and about 25 hours of homework at home every week. I cant even go to the gym or hang out with friends at ALL because i'm always staring down a book like my life depends on it.
Im taking abnormal psychology, Chemistry +chem lab (3 hours long, twice a week, whose jealous ?), Pre Calculus, and Globalization. I spend so much time doing math and chemistry, I forgot I was taking Globalization. I barely have time to even take the other classes. On Wednesday I spent the time after I got up, all the way until after 9:15pm or so, doing math and chemistry. I could barely move I was so tired, my only breaks were eating and going to math class(ok so that wasn't a break).

Cutting down on going to work is my LEAST favorite thing to do. I enjoy the people and the job itself way too much. I don't have to "act" a certain way and I don't really worry about if I'm being talked about behind my back, unlike some other crowds of mine.
Plus working of course, provides funding for my hobbies which is my escape from stress. Kinda a catch 22, working to be able to pay to de stress or not working to de stress. Hm.

Today, what broke me and made me wave the white flag, I completely bombed my first math test for the semester. It was 100% because I just didn't have the time to study, I spent all my free time doing homework. I knew this stuff, this was a repeat from last semester, I aced the homework. It wasn't even a long or particularly hard test. I was just so tired and I hadn't been able to study, which is something I have to do for math because I am not wired to do math.

Needless to say. Im a bit depressed. 90% is probably due to just being worn out, this is the busiest school schedule ive ever had, chemistry should really be considered two classes instead of one. I knew this was going to be a rough schedule, I just did not realize how bad. Only three more months to go. The first month went by quick. Thats good right? I just have to redo the first month three more times, then the semester is over LOL

Ive been thinking a lot lately, Ive fallen into a very anti social mood these days. Well. Most of this year I haven't really wanted to be around other people, its not just lately. Ive been paying attention to the people who I most enjoy being around and the people that stress me out.
One "friend" of mine, that was a classmate, who liked to call or text me with ALL of her complaints whenever she got frustrated with life. Which, she may have earned a Guinness world record for, I don't think she's even capable of having something right in her life. But don't worry, she was a very capable young woman, because nothing was EVER her fault. (read the sarcasm here). She was always nice to me for the most part but after a while, I realized she really drove me nuts.
Theres another two or three people that fall into this category, that were close friends and known for years. And I cant help but wonder, what should I do? I already avoid them and don't really talk to or see them in person...but they're my friends (i think). I feel like i'm doing something wrong. But I also feel like when I'm not in the room, I don't want to know what they actually talk about.

On the other side. The people at work are usually my favorite people to be around. Is it because they're that much different than the other people I know, or am I just more comfortable at work than I am around people outside of work. These are the things that keep me awake at night LOL.

Media
Ive payed more attention to some of the things I really enjoy to watch on tv. Tonight I was watching an old Joan Rivers clip on youtube, it was about this time five years ago that she was killed by some doctors. Joan was talking about how she originally had to work hard to reach the level that she reached. She was a woman, a jew, and said things that not just everyone wanted to hear (read men didn't like female competition 60 or so years ago), she had to work harder in some ways than other people in the business at the time.
Then when she was in her 50's, her husband killed himself and she lost her TV show. She lost her best friend, and all that she had worked for over her whole life, all in days of each other. I think a lot of people can sympathize, who have chronic disease. One day you have your life, wherever the milestone be that you've reached, and then one day its gone. Or one day you feel so horrible that you couldn't care less for what you do or don't have.
Joan said she had to go back to the bottom of the totem pole, she ended up back in regular night clubs with the kids who were trying to become someone. Here she was, in her fifties, had her own national tv show and prior career with Johnny Carson, and she was back at the starting point. To me, thats like graduating college with a doctorate then being sent back to Kindergarten to start over from the very beginning.
Later in the interview she talked about how some people are offended by her sense of comedy, and she listed some things that had upset people that she ended up changing. She also made a point that I agree with, if someone has a life that others could only ever wish for and they make $25 million a year. Its not a big deal to talk about their outfit.
On the surface its obvious that this is a joke, especially if you see what some people on TV wear . BUT looking at this a bit more seriously. What do we ourselves look at in ourselves or others, that we take too harshly? At the end of the day some things really don't matter. We can all make mistakes, sure, and be too critical about them. But some things we should just get over it, because tomorrow it wont matter. Easier said than done.
I appreciate Joans sense of humor because it makes some of the hard subjects lighter and she doesn't limit herself to a "box" that only certain people fit in. She even says, many times, that she is her own biggest critic.
Makes you think doesnt it?

No?

Okay so just me then.


One day its my goal to motivate myself to keep going with whatever the project or assignment is, without criticizing myself or others. I wonder, for real, that if one day this is how I will really work in my daily life.

Reflecting on The Waves

Reflecting on a Week of Changes
This week has been a unique time in my life. One, because some things in my work/personal life are changing. Two, because I am headed back to Kansas this weekend. Heading to Kansas is always a guarantee that my life will change, I go in feeling one way and come out on the other side feeling different (usually worn out). Then weeks and months later my life continues to change.

Ill start elaborating. Personal life-
An amazing coworker of mine, that is a cross between a mom and a best friend to me, is leaving our office to move to Virginia. This woman came in only a year ago, and cleaned house. She changed our entire work environment. She streamlined all of our systems, wrote protocols, held people accountable, increased business, and most importantly brought a smile to everyones face.
It is nothing short of a God send that this woman was placed in our office and our lives. She managed to remove all of the toxic personalities from our office and environment, so all this posts from the last two years or so about issues with coworkers-she solved six months ago. Thanks to her, I am able to go to work and enjoy it. My heart is back in it, life is good. I also gained confidence and value in myself, I have been shown how much I am worth to the business. I have held the position of professional multitasker for four years now, thanks to this woman my benefit has been recognized and I can see a higher value in myself in the office.
The amount of smiling patients that come into our office has increased, many came by today or this week to say goodbye We even had a surprise party earlier in the week and managed to surprise her, I was honored to be a big part of that. I like making sure people feel special, I think that day we all did a good job.
This person has actually been special enough to me, that today I gave her a link to this blog as a going away present. For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you know that this blog is a very secret safe haven of mine, that I have only given to a small handful of people. The first being a coworker last year, then E and one other girl friend of mine, and now this coworker. Thats only 4 people (unless I forgot someone).

Personal life Pt. 2
I have been thinking lately on how much my life has been on a continuously changing spin cycle for the last few years, especially since the strep infection in my brain. The anxiety and depression has subsided substantially since March. Looking back into October 2018, anxiety was hitting an all time high and I was collapsing. I was scared big time and answers were scarce. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, so many nights I was awake in bed praying that I could just stand up right out of my body and leave it behind. My body and I are on better speaking terms, it still has some catching up to do, but I thank God every day today for the body I have been given. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few years back I had zero understanding of anxiety, now I get it.

Ya know, they don't say you "get it" until you GET IT. Thankfully, I GET IT now. I understand.

Anxiety is a complete and total change in mental capacity and functions, immediately. Sometimes its triggered and sometimes its a surprise. Ive had a few minor surprises lately with it, but all very minor and all very related to staying up too late or not sleeping. A year ago I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, good day or bad. I wanted out. It didnt feel right.
Two years ago I remember having plenty of vegetable moments, all too often just being too tired to do much. Hobbies weren't in the picture. Depression was made, and anxiety showed up.
Three years ago, I was only a few months into treatment with my doctor, and that was my first taste of feeling human again. Depression was frequent but not severe, anxiety was very mild or maybe non existent (I would have to check my notes).
Six years ago, I had to take time off school because I just couldn't function.
Seven years ago I had to recognize that my life had changed, from an event the year prior, and I would have to recognize my new life style of feeling unwell all the time "for no reason". All sports were dropped and any activity I could live without was left to the dust and never thought of as a possibility. Life had changed and the future was a scary place.

The future is happening, life has been ever changing. More scary changes than I care to think about, but all the changes have led to the person I have become. In the last few months, since my last visit to Kansas, I have come to appreciate the man I am becoming. I am flawed, my body is faulty, things still scare me, sometimes I dont know what Im doing. But this is the life God gave me, it wasn't an accident, it all has a purpose for his glory. Ive made it this far, if I was doing something that wrong God would have taken me out of the picture. I will be here to serve my purpose until God decides my time has come.

Personal Life Pt. 3
I have removed a lot of toxic people from my life in the last few months. I used to fear that I was being antisocial, and that I should be conforming to other peoples quirks and habits otherwise I was doing something wrong. Now I am realizing that those behaviors put me in situations that allowed me to be walked on and taken advantage of, and a lot of those "friends" may serve me better from a distance rather than on my speed dial. Some of these friends have known me for  along time, they may come back around and this may be a temporary change, or it may be time to forget about them. My "best" friend that I used to mention on a frequent basis has been MIA from my life since February. One day he didn't text me back, and I never heard from him again. Very long story short, I sent him an email asking for forgiveness for whatever I may have done, and I apologized for some of my own faults that I knew bothered him. That was the end of that. Sending that email hurt, I had to pour a lot of emotion and thought into it and I knew in my heart that nothing would come of it physically. I knew no matter what I said, was he going to respond. God has given me very strong intuition in my life, sometimes I "just know". But I said my piece, I put it out there, I got it all of my  chest, I asked for forgiveness, I asked God to forgive me for my mistakes-known and unknown.
After this event my life began to clear in a way, I started getting him off my mind. It hurt. It burned. Intuition says its not over and come the end of this year I need to be prepared for something, what that is-I dont know. I just know I should take note of what my intuition said.
I removed 90% of the things that kept my life anchored to this person in anyway, which consisted of deleting pictures from my phone, texts, and taking of the friendship ring that he gave me. One day I will dump that last 10%, which will be when I delete all of the pictures and messages, throw the ring away (turns out it cost like $10 on eBay, I found where he bought it on the first search, he probably put very little thought into it and it probably isn't worth keeping in my drawer), and take the one last picture off my dresser. Its just hard for me to part with memories that during a hard part of my life, brought me a lot of joy and relief from some painful realities. I havent decided if its intuition telling me to hold onto these things a little longer, or just sentiment.

This isn't the only friend Ive had incidence with this year, probably the most dramatic. One "best" friend started dating another " best" friend, then the two of them starting treating myself and others rather poorly. Another "great" friend of mine started dating a new guy, then said new guy got a bit handsy with the girls cousin in the pool. "Great" friend says it didnt happen, cousin gets upset. Lo and Behold, house divided on a rather serious matter there. I voiced my opinion and stepped out of the picture. Anyway, ill stop there with the drama, drama doesn't need to seem like its being glorified.
This year, I realized how much healthier and happier I was when I didnt go out with friends or spend an evening with certain people. I noticed that I was happier stressing over car parts, than I was being caught in drama which began to seem endless. Maybe right now I am feeling a bit antisocial and I am being a bit snobby about what quality of people I want to spend my time around. I think it may be time I start treating my social life with a little more respect, even if it means staying home and not being social.

Lyme-
I guess I could mention a little bit about the topic that gave me the reason to write my blog. Life is going well in the disease department. Sleep has struggled painfully this week, but I have had a lot on my mind. I have had some extremely severe leg cramps all day everyday for the last several days which have made it painful to walk, I'm blaming this on working on my car. Fatigue and motivation are a bit of a struggle, probably related to sleeping.
If I could sleep well, and wake up early, then maintain a consistent schedule indefinitely, I think my symptoms would continuously improve. The one thing that  does remain a struggle is my personality, I still do not feel like im as "awake" as I was pre strep, sometimes it is still very difficult to talk. My brain just stays at flatline. I used to talk a lot more and joke around a lot and everyone thought I was hilarious (which is still there, but not at all like before. I used to keep track of my jokes I had so many). Its coming back, maybe after this coming visit to Kansas this will begin to take a large turn for the best. Im praying for my body as an entirety to heal and function properly (not just function "enough"), Im praying that my brain fog will be lifted, that I will feel completely like myself again and not just a "part" of myself that survived a war, and Im praying that I will be given the energy and stamina to feel GREAT after this coming week all the way through the school year (or further). Last time, my doctor told me I had near miraculous results with how quickly and significantly my test results improved for the better. I am praying that this will be gloriously repeated.

How am I doing on making up for the lost time I was in hiatus?? I told you, thoughts are in there!!

Long Hiatus

I Forgot
Ok so I am guilty of what many bloggers all do at some point in life. I forgot to sit down and write on my blog.
Ive been writing this blog for years, Im a bit shocked it was so easy for me to just disappear like that. E texted me this evening and asked me if it was a good thing that it has been 5 months since my last post. I had NO idea it had been that long! Not in the slightest. A whole lot of things have changed since February. Mostly for the better!

Okay so first things first. I finished another semester of school successfully. College Algebra included. That alone is a gift from God LOL.
I decided to do two summer classes this summer, Theories of Psych and Social Problems. Both have been rather fun and light classes to do during an online summer semester. I like the 1 class per month setup, im not so rushed to get things done. I just have my dedicated amount of time to spend on each class 6 days awake, but short amounts of time so I can actually ENJOY the class a little! I remember when reading was rocket science a few years ago.
Sitting down to read a book is still difficult, but for school I can do it.

Second! I went to see my Kansas Doc in March. WOW. Life has changed a lot since then. He started me on some new things for sleep which have made a significant difference in the quality of my sleep. We did the standard work up, I have it all written down and I will post specific details on it all soon.
My quality of life sky rocketed after this last visit to my doctor, like record breaking. Before I went to the clinic I was really starting to wear down again, feeling very flatline and tired. Not necessarily depressed or anxious, just run down. But I was going to the gym every so often and pushing myself, trying to get into the rhythm of exercising and exerting physical energy. My body had all forgotten what intentional exercise was after all these years, 13 years old was when all my formal exercise of any sort ended. Now I am 21 and I can do it again. Some days I can some days I can't, but what has made life different is the days that I can are out numbering the ones where I can't. I do still have limits, I am really pushing getting to bed earlier. I HAVE to recover and not over do it in my daily life if I want to be able to feel well and be able to exercise.
The first  two months after my March visit with my doctor I felt GREAT. Sure I still had bad and sucky days, but I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week for the most part and I finished the last half of the school semester. School, gym, and work. Never thought I would see the day.

Quality of life is doing much much better than in the past. Depression creeps in every so often, when it does usually I can take a look at something I had done in the last 24 hours and pick out the cause. Chinese food and MSG, WAY over doing it with working too hard and not resting, under eating-depression guarantees for me. Every time without a fail.

Anxiety. Heres a word that I, at one point in my life, had no understanding of. No comprehension of the effects that this little disorder could have on somebody's life. I had no idea anxiety held the mold to completely reshape a persons life and personality into a form previously unknown. This anxiety thing isn't for sissies! I had no idea how anxious and on edge I was all the time until it disappeared...
Thats right. I dont think I have had anxiety in months now. After the last visit to my doctor the anxiety and unhinged stress slowly started melting away and releasing. Like a wound up rubber band slowly popping itself free until no tension was left.
Who remembers when thats all I had to talk about?
If anxiety does NOT return with the onset of the new school semester, I think we will have truly witnessed a miracle. Even if it does return, I don't think severity will ever reach what it once was. Looking back about two summers ago when it was in its peak, I think I should have seen a psychiatrist and gotten some strong medication or something. I dont think I even almost recognized how severe it was. OR how strong I was to resist it during that time. I am so thankful that God kept me strong and I never fell victim to feeling sorry for myself or giving up.

Work! I am still at the same office working the same job. During the summer I work full time, which my dear bank account is so grateful for. Come this very full semester of college next month, my bank will shed a few small tears when my hours cut back.
Some things even at work have changed, Ive become much more social and have had much more bonding time with my co workers. I love them to pieces.
Earlier this year the problematic coworkers that all of us were bothered by (11 employees, 2 problematic, not kidding when I say EVERYONE) are now GONE. They are still employed by they are working from a distance, out of our space and out of our way! They're happy not being in the office being social (one of the two has a social disorder and regularly ticked people off) and we are happy having the space back.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed my job. Some evenings I dont even want to go home, I actually think I rather be at work with my work family than with some of my friends from school. I must be growing into an adult LOL.

I go back to my Kansas doc in just a few weeks, two I think. I have already gotten my blood drawn for the lab work. Just waiting to fly out. I am still taking a crap ton of supplements and I pray that soon I will be able to reduce things, I am not on as many pills as I have been in the past but I am still choking down a fist full morning and night. I dont even ask that I have to discontinue them all. Just some. Pretty please
I have begun to slide down again on energy compared to what it was after my visit in March. I changed one of my adrenal supplements and it made a big difference and progress started coming back. I am looking forward to my upcoming visit, my baseline now is a mile higher than ever before. I have never gone into a week in Kansas, not anxious and in pain, never ever exercising, never working hard. Its almost always a downward spiral my doc has to pull me from.
The only symptom I would say is truly "returning" is my brain fog, which I have fought with and fought with for almost a decade. Again, if I could sleep am 8 hour night every night, my brain health would probably be out of this world. Sleep quality has gotten great, amount of hours is still rather lacking and not ideal. Ive noticed lately Ive been garbling my speech a lot more and I lose thoughts and sentences, so I know its coming time for a tune up again. I am glad this coming visit will be more of  strong jump start or maybe even a slingshot into feeling normal again, rather than my doctor pulling me up by the Grace of God from the pits of disrepair. He's going to be so shocked when he sees me next time.

I am still trying to push my fitness even though my energy has been waning a bit. I have gone to the gym twice this week. I am really trying to eat more, I haven't eaten a satisfactory quantity on a regular basis in years (probably the whole time I've been sick). Its time I quit starving myself and I make food a higher priority. I still don't enjoy food a whole lot or enjoy eating. I notice I can trick myself into eating a lot more at work when Im busy compared to when Im home doing other projects (read, I forget to eat at home). I have found a protein shake called Vega that I can tolerate, so I have been mixing it with some frozen fruit and ACV, creating what is now my breakfast and dinner. I learned protein shakes before bed drastically help my sleep quality. With these results, doing the shakes has become second nature. I mix them with fruits I like plus some kale or veggies, then heavily dilute with coconut milk to thin it out. If I make the smoothie very thick it will hurt my stomach, I still have to watch it with food. Hard to digest solid food makes my stomach feel full and painful for a while. MUCH better than it was in the past but it is still an issue. If I dilute my smoothies down and take digestive enzymes, the problem is better. Maybe my hunger (lack of) issue will be what begins to improve next time I go to my doctor.
My goal is to begin gaining weight, 6'4" and 136 or so LBS. Its time I look less anorexic and have more reserves. People who have a healthier body weight have a stronger immune system and are less likely to get sick. Thats mah goal here!
Since starting with the gym I have gained zero pounds since February. I took a look at my diet and realized how little I was eating (realized...again) and how lacking in protein it was. This week I started the Vega instead of the other vegan protein I was doing, the Vega is a bit higher in proteins. I still need to bring up the calories and nutrients as a whole. But this eating thing isn't easy. I have noticed a difference since I started doing protein shakes 1-2 times a day a month or two ago, my energy has become more consistent and holds out for longer.

In my more fun side of life, I bought a 74' Alfa Romeo Spider, it has become my baby. Its a cross between a project car and my own daily driving car. It was a solid driver. At first. I decided to drive the car to work one day, the thermostat stuck and overheating the engine...blowing the head gasket. This wasn't a bit deal, it was easy to fix this. While I had the engine torn apart I replaced a lot of other things while I was in there, thinking I was making my car more and more reliable (in theory I did). Well once the head gasket was replaced I took the car on some test drives around the neighborhood, honing in the carburetors and getting them adjusted (look, I know im supposed to be  millennial but I want to learn how this stuff works LOL). Aaaaaand a little 10mm nut came off a carb bracket, and went right into the engine. Thats bad. Whats worse, I did not realize that had happened. I eventually figured out the reason I couldn't adjust the carbs was because one cylinder had sucked in the nut and had become severely damaged in the head. I discovered this had happened when I took the spark plug out and saw the tip had been crushed, I knew this had to be bad. LONG story short. The head of the engine has been back and forth the the shop many times, with failed attempts to fix it. Now another head is being built for my car (I know most of my readers arent car people and this is just rocket science...BUT)and will hopefully be ready soon. Its taken about two months to get this far on this issue. The "new" head being built has taken almost a month to be refurbished from what it was, the shop hasn't been in what you call a hurry to get the job done. But if they do a good job, I can be patient. Im thankful it only hurt the head of the engine and didnt ruin the WHOLE engine. For this we are thankful.

I think this about brings everyone to where my life is now. Major symptoms-fatigue(could be worse), brain fog, insomnia, digestion.
Life problems-my car is broken.
But hey, all these issues are fixable and will be fixed in due time. Step by step progress gets made!

I missed blogging, truthfully I just havent sat down or really NEEDED to vent like I have in the past, but no that does not mean I will stop writing!

Beginning Therapy

Therapy
Well you guys, today was the day. The day I was never intending to happen. The day that has been on my mind since last September. I have never wanted to see a therapist. I have always been afraid a therapist would tell me that all of my problems are in my head or they are my fault. The last thing I can deal with right now is someone else telling me to get my crap together and pick myself up by my bootstraps. Been there, tried that.

I think that...I am glad to say...it went well...
Today was visit number 2. Last week was intake, I met a man named Jeff who asked me questions on my medical history and explained the whole counseling process to me. Then today, I met with Jeff again. He asked me more on my medical history so I explained more to him on how I have fought with lyme and the trauma that has come about from it. We also talked about family history and my childhood. It was a lot but in a good way.
Jeff asked me a bunch of questions, ending in me talking. A lot. Today we focused the most on the initial trauma of becoming ill and how I was raised. It wasn't terribly hard to talk about like it can be. I think now that I've gotten to meet the guy I am getting more comfortable talking to him. But on the other hand today was a fairly good day, which I also mentioned to him. It just feels so strange to me to tell all of my personal life to someone who is a complete stranger. I don't even tell my friends some of this stuff and I know them...so to pour out any imagine-able detail about my life to this guy sitting in a chair with a sheet of paper...new experience to say the least....

It went well though. I felt no worse when I left than when I walked in, so it couldn't have been that bad. He didn't call me crazy or say anything offensive. I didn't really expect him too, but it is a fear of course. I don't know though, its still a peculiar environment for me. So far its just been me explaining my life to him, something tell me thats how its going to be for a while...I usually have a lot to say.
At the end of the session he asked what I was looking for in a counselor, I told him I was looking for someone who understood what it was like to be sick all the time. Someone who understands the things that healthy people don't understand.
he said they do not have anyone who specializes in sickness or anyone particular he thought was exactly what I was looking for, so he offered to be my therapist. Of course I said yes, so we will see how things go with my new therapist Jeff. I do have the freedom to request a new counselor at any point, that makes me feel more comfortable just in case something happens.

The Mental Breakdown
So that was my day today. Today and the last several days have not been too bad....last Friday though-not so great.
Last week was a tad rough at work. I didn't think it was all that bad until I reached the end of the week and I realized something, I felt like death. I wasn't functioning well at work at all. One of the people I was working with even looked over and asked me if I was alright. On bad days I try my best to hide how I feel at work, I don't want anyone to worry about me or think Im complaining. When someone notices Im not myself, I know I have reached the point of feeling much worse than I even realize.
Friday that held true. The further through the day I crawled the less I wanted to do anything. Friday evening came around and I just started to loose it. Physically I was feeling just mildly sick, mentally I shattered. I had friends over (thats all I remember, I don't remember what friends or what we did) at my house, I was barely present for that. When they left I made it to the shower and just bawled my eyes out. My brain was racing with negative thoughts. I couldn't think of anything that made me happy. It didn't matter what crossed my mind it caused me upset and frustration. I didn't know who to turn to, in fact this time I don't think i turned to anyone. I just took some medication and turned on some music. That was all I felt like doing....I hate feeling like that. On the nights that I feel entirely worthless and a waste of space I feel like I undo every bit of positive thinking and a happy moments that I have struggled to create.
I keep telling myself that I or someone will find a solution to help me feel human again. I want to be me all the time, not just sometime or on rare occasions.
Im blaming work stress for breaking my mind to shards this time. This week at work I decided to take a new approach, the "I don't care because I can quit at any time" approach. Maybe its working.
Today I have without a doubt a couple of things running through my mind that have distracted me from feeling like myself. Its not severe..I just hope it stays that way.
My summer class starts tomorrow, I hope its easy enough to not stress me out but hard enough to keep my mind on track.

Until next time...

My Own Little Corner

This weekend has been rocky and it isn't even over yet. My brain has been scrambled eggs. I spent last night feeling OCD and depressed. I cried in the shower because I didn't know what else to do. I still don't know what to do. My brain wants to keep upsetting thoughts in circulation and important thoughts forgotten. The sadness and loneliness was unbearable.
I started the intake process with the school councilor last week. I go back this week for something, I think i get placed with a councilor. Im not entirely sure how it works, I just know I have to go back.
Getting the process started was so uncomfortable to me, I had to explain to the intake councilor about lyme disease and why it causes me such hassles. I used to not mind sharing my story but with how I feel these days I feel like so...sick of sharing. It feels like my business, not someone elses. But I did it, nothing bad came of it. He didn't try to tell me anything about lyme, he did of course bring up the CD C and wondered why they didn't do anything about it. I didn't entirely appreciate how he asked me about it, im the patient not the doctor. Why on earth would I honestly care about the CDC, I have a long list of complaints about the CDC but lets be real, the CDC recognizes the Flu, HIV, Tuberculosis, and a ton of other diseases but can a person with HIV be cured? No. Would I ask a person with HIV about the CDC not being able to treat them? No, it probably get looked at like I had lost my marbles.
But its fine. Ive made it this far. I keep telling myself that its time to seek professional help, I have lost so much enjoyment in life that I know I would have if I could just think straight. At this point Ill even try anti depressants and/or anxiety medication, not long ago I would have said I would never take those meds unless it was an emergency. But its time. I think anxiety is part of the reason my eating has been so bizarre and why I never feel like eating. I think depression and OCD are why I can't enjoy anything and why I never feel like anything is good enough. Its gotta change.
Lately I have not been feeling that bad at all-if I discount my emotional turmoil. I have had some back pain, other than that I haven't been hurting much. Fatigue has been significant but because of the OCD and things I haven't been able to sleep...the last two nights, with the help of meds, I have been able to sleep deeper. Today I have for sure had more energy.
Heart and blood pressure symptoms have been an issue, they are probably the only ones I have that aren't related to anxiety or depression related. They could be indirectly though. I just know that if my mood was stabilized and normalized I would probably be feeling great right now, or even more often.
It is hard for me to go the councilor route though, I don't bond with just anyone, I don't feel comfortable speaking to just anyone, and my brain fog will keep me from being able to speak my thoughts clearly. I am going to try to push through it. Currently the only people who know I am trying to pursue this is you guys that have found this blog online, two friends, and my mom. Thats it, I don't think ill change that anytime soon either.

Last night something really triggered me. I was speaking to my best friend and he told me he probably won't be able to go with me to Kansas again this year. I am trying to go back to the clinic in either August or December, so theres time to plan out ahead. Or so i thought. I don't want to keep going through treatment alone like I am. I want and need a friend with me. It takes a lot out of me by sitting in a hotel room listening to the world around me go round while I watch some tv show that I don't enjoy. It makes me feel so small and worthless knowing my friends and family are at home living their life, making money at work, hanging out with other people, and all I can do is keep the hotel bed planted on the floor.
I hate it. It made me feel a billion times better having my best friend with me last visit. I wasn't uncomfortable and I didn't feel so alienated from the living world. I had a friend with me, someone there just for me to see that I was okay. I was much more stable and well feeling having him with me....
I don't want to go back to my doctor at all if its just going to be me staring down the four walls between clinic visits.
I don't even have the energy to go off and go walking or anything after seeing the doctor usually, otherwise I would try to find things to do but its just not that easy....

Its hard for me to find encouragement. Its hard for me to get out of my own head. Its hard for me to trust anyone. Its hard to feel the love from those around me. Its hard to enjoy anything. Day to day activities have just become a distraction between sleeping.

I sure hope that hamster is enjoying its vacation from the wheel....

Standing in an Empty Room Full of People

Have you ever been talking to someone and thought” wait, the person in front of me is talking and I haven’t heard a single word.” Or maybe felt that you just don’t connect with certain people. That’s what life with my new brain has been. It doesn’t matter who I’m around or where on this earth I am,  I feel totally alone. Like a dark black hole of sadness yet desperation. Who could feel alone with a dozen or more people around? Why is this even possible? Why can’t anyone help me?
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?

Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.

Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.

Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*

I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.

Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.

Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said  it’s not often,  but it’s special to me.

Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.

Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.

I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.

On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things.  It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.

In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.

A Search for Prayer and Response

Hello all, I have yet another roller coaster post of the ups and downs as of late.

Today(technically yesterday the 28th) marks the 10nth anniversary of my best friends moms death from stage four breast cancer, which metastasized to her liver, and bones.
My friend invited me over for dinner tonight to be with his family, we had a nice time of remembrance and fellowship. You see, I did not know my friend during the time of his moms illness, so it was a bit shocking and different for me to be there for this time. Honored to say the least.

At the dinner table his second mom mentioned that she's been watching the celebration of life video, which I have never heard mentioned before. So when I got home this evening, I searched for it and found it. Then I searched the internet for the Obit, which I also found. In the Obit I found a link to a blog, written by my friends mom during her treatment. I never knew it existed. As of yet, no one else knows I have found it, I don't know if I was supposed to find it or not seeing as I have never been told about it. Maybe it was just old news and it never crossed my friends mind because it was ten years ago...
Ive read several pages of the blog thus far, learning tons of information I never knew. It is also very encouraging, even though I know how the blog will end... there are all kinds of positives laced in the posts. Positives that I can understand as a sick person, such as getting better results on blood tests-some of which were barely short of a miracle. One that stands out to me was upon diagnoses her blood test for tumor markers was just short of 3,000 points. after weeks of treatment it was down in the low triple digits, and did drop into normal range. Her liver went from a major issue, blood was going in the reverse direction in the main artery-to normal and functional. Completely healed with a minor side of scaring. I think all of us with a chronic illness pray for test improvements as quick and remarkable as this.

You see, over the last week or two I have been sad that I have never met this woman, so I have prayed a few times that I would get some kind of message from her. Nothing specific, this is actually unlike me...Its rather unusual to pray to God for information from someone who has passed. This blog written by his mom seems to be the answer for that, many of her posts hit home for me giving me a picture of what my friends life was like during this time period. They also shed a positive light on being sick, I mean she was told on day 1-go home and get your affairs in order you won't see Christmas. Hows that for bleak? How do you not become depressed from news such as that? You know what? She saw Christmas in good health, and then she saw it once more. Beat that depression.

I just cannot believe some of the things I have read, keep in mind these posts that I have read so far are 12 years old. Yet some things she said I feel almost like they spoke right too me. I wish I could have been there for my friend during this time, so so so badly. I can never change the fact that we weren't together then, but the writings of his mom make me feel like I was there, I feel more so like I knew her than never knowing her at all. Its not the same as being there, but just the fact that this was real, is much less foreign I guess you could say. She went through a lot and was put through a lot, but she held her faith like a rock. She lived a better quality of life than she was told, she lived much longer than she was told, and she had faith that no matter what the outcome was it would be okay. She knew there was a good chance was going to die sooner than the standard life span of a woman, but she made every bit of that time count. It wasn't wasted on feeling sad or the woe is me thoughts, thats the power of a woman who prays.

Now as I have said in the past depression has become one of my biggest enemies as of this year. I have never had to battle it significantly before. But now I battle depression, sadness, and feelings of total worthlessness daily. After my last visit to Kansas these issues have lessened, but this past week has been particularly rough. I have never stopped praying throughout this journey and I never intend too. Today was an answer to prayers, yet more proof I have no reason to stop praying.

There are many aspects about chronic illness that scare me. It is hard to believe I have been sick for almost seven years now. It is also hard to believe that I am just as afraid now as I was years ago, it seems there is almost always something around to give me a new reason to be afraid. Sometimes these reasons don't exist. Rooted in paranoia. Also a new symptom as of this year.

I often thank God for all of the wonderful people placed in my life, not everyone has this luxury. Some of these people are readers and commenters on this blog such as Rebecca Miller. She never fails to post something encouraging for me, until recently I never thought I needed that much encouragement. All of us who have been placed in a situation with chronic disease should be encouraging one another much more often than the current reality.

I would like to ask for some very specific prayer requests.
I would like for you all to pray that I can fully reconnect to reality, everything now feel dull and I feel distant even on a good day, that my depression will be banished-permanently. its hard to fight when you can't find a reason to, that my kidneys will begin to function normally, and that I will be able to eat and have an appetite like a normal teenage boy.

These are my current biggest roadblocks. I am already on a strong supplement protocol that is showing benefit but I honestly feel that these issues are more spiritual than chemical. I can't explain how, it just is what it is. I have full faith that I becoming sick was no accident and that many great things will come from it. But I do fear what my quality of life and residual damage will be like when my fight with disease is over, what will be permanently gone and what will be recovered.

In honor of my friends mom
Because of my depression, I have learned to appreciate the moments in life that are truly and timelessly special. The one of a kind, never to be repeated again moments.

Hansa Round 5 days 1-2

I am going to go ahead and post about my doctors visits from today and yesterday, I know I still haven't posted my 4th visit to the clinic. Ill get to it one day.

Day 1-

OK so on to today's visit, #1 among all things from the doctors testing and my blood work-parasites. So again, we are at it treating those with new things, so far he hasn't said if they were digestive or blood parasites. As far as their effects, they are causing issues in my whole system not just something here or there. 

Something unique that muscle testing can find is "attachments" or "entities", that's what he found on me today, negative energy attached to the parasites. The remedy he made for me was to clear the negativity from my system and disconnect the connection it had on me. This surprised me, yet didn't surprise me. I have been so dark and depressed...much more than ever before. After he gave me the remedy I felt happier, for the rest of the day I was able to laugh and have fun even though I felt garbagy still.

I have never had anyone tell me this before. Something interesting, last week I visited my friend who does muscle testing, shes been helping me out some since I have not been able to see my doctor. She couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, we ended up down meaningless rabbit trails, no answers, and I was completely untestable. We tried for two hours to figure out what was up in my system, nothing. We didn't check for attachments though, and thats what the test block was. 

He made a new remedy for those today, once again this is a completely new and different treatment than before. In other words we are treating a different aspect of the whole parasitic, its not necessarily anything new as far as infections go. Parasites take a while to get rid of because they are very unique, bacteria and virus are hard but in their own separate aspect. If you have a strong functioning immune system, you wont pickup a virus or bacteria, and if you do they wont be capable of sticking in your system for long.
Lyme disease is a bacteria and it is hard to get rid of because it is capable of disarming and destroying immune cells, infecting the entire body but nonetheless it can be killed.
Here's what makes parasites unique, they are a living breathing multicellular organism just like an animal. They are capable of harboring their own set of bacteria, virus, metals, just like people. Parasites have their own brain, blood system, and digestive system unlike bacteria and virus. So when a person becomes infected with parasites and takes a treatment, the parasites are killed but then they release whatever pathogens or toxins they were carrying. You can take a standard X drug for Y parasite for years, you will never be able to kill every single one of them with a drug and you will have strong side effects from the dying parasites.
In the way I am being treated, the side effects, the parasites, and the communication between my body and the parasites are being addressed.
That's another thing that makes parasites unique, they have to have a host to survive. When they infect a person or an animal, they release chemicals that stop your body from recognizing them so they can fly under the radar. So the communication aspect has to be addressed as well, you will never find a standard doctor or naturopath capable of treating this. It takes a specialized doctor like mine who can do specialized testing to see what the pathogens are doing and what will stop them, there is no set protocol for this. Its mostly homeopathic treatment to disconnect the connection of the parasites to my system, herbs and drugs will mainly just kill. The thing is, you cant just kill parasites, they become resistant and they hide. They can even incase themselves in cysts which can't be killed.
So that was the majority of todays appointment, he made one remedy to cover everything involved with the parasitic ordeal, tomorrow he will test again to see what else needs to be done. My body actually tested at saturation today, which means we covered everything possible for the day-no more. My doctor said that is a pretty big deal because that means this new treatment is powerful enough to negate everything else.

He also worked on the hernia, he felt around my stomach and said that my diaphragm was swollen to the point that it was covering my stomach. In a regular hiatal hernia the stomach get stuck in the bottom of the diaphragm, so by pulling the stomach down you correct the hernia. In my case its the reverse, my diaphragm is swollen and veering my stomach. He adjusted it and did some facial release using the percussor, then he used hyssop oil on it to bring down the inflammation. Again he will check it tomorrow, but after all he did today it may finally be a done deal. He told me I need to continue using the hyssop for a while to prevent it from coming back, so that will be something I do once I get home.

As far as blood results go, this round is fairly different than before in how they've changed. For the first time vitamin D is good, cholesterol is closer to where it should be, white blood cell count is higher meaning my immune system is actually beginning to work on its own, but I did hit a new extreme on easonifils which is the parasite marker. He said its rare to see it as high as mine is, so we know for sure that we are chasing the right rabbit trail. My kidneys are showing some stress also, other than those two things I don't have a bad report.

With as bad as I have felt the past couple of months I was expecting worse for my blood scores, and the parasite markers are pretty bad. But that's it, Lyme itself is not showing up so far, that's a big positive. Neither are any other tick borne infections that I have, doesn't mean they aren't there it just means they aren't a problem right now.

Tomorrow ill find out what else we can find to correct, I'm fairly satisfied for today's visit because it was entirely new stuff as far as what's actually happening in my body and new treatment. 

Day 2-

Today was another productive visit at the doctors office. We worked on parasites again, this time with focus on the side affects of the parasites themselves. He found that the parasites are disrupting my mitochondria, causing me to be tired all the time. Plus he found some tie ins to my stomach and hormones.
He found I need a dopamine, serotonin, and pregnenolone booster to counteract the side affects. Plus he added something for me to take to support my adrenals during this time. The adrenals are what make a significant portion of your hormones, plus they make energy. By supporting my adrenals in addition to treating the other issues it adds a boost to my body as a whole.
He also added a neuro anti-inflammatory supplement, because the parasite toxins are setting off my brain and nervous system. So this tied with the dopamine and serotonin, this will help with my terrible brain fog.
The pregnenolone is tied into the adrenal pathway, so that is what the purpose of this hormone.

Most of this is new for me, several years ago I did a dopamine booster and it didn't help me much. This is the first time that my body has tested well for any direct neurotransmitter(brain chemical) support, in other words this is a new layer being corrected that we haven't been able to reach.
Pregnenolone is also new for me, I am interested to see how this makes me feel before long.

I feel pretty worn out today, my brain fog is just making everything difficult.

I see the doc again tomorrow, then I will be headed home. 

When Time Stops

 I am back at the clinic for part of this week and I had a realization today. I was laying on the couch in the hotel room, thinking about all the homework I needed to get done and also how alone I have been feeling.
The TV was going but I was hardly watching it, I was so tired for most of this afternoon that I have been lost in space. Whenever I get like this I tend to just flip through my phone, flipping from one page to another. Opening an app then closing it, until I decide I need to do something better with my time. I realized that time had stopped, minutes felt like hours, I wasn't talking to anyone, TV was just noise, I didn't want to read, I couldn't do anything. I was so tired and foggy I couldn't make myself do any of my normal activities.
On top of that I realized I wasn't talking to anyone because time has not stopped for my friend, they are all either in school or at work. They don"t have the time to talk to me right now, too much life in the way. I haven't heard from my best friend since 6:30am yesterday, he hasn't seen any of my messages about whats going on with me here at the clinic, School and work dictate otherwise. Its sad for me, because he's one of the very few people I feel like I actually connect with, but he isn't sick-his life cant just stop because of me. Same with the rest of my friends and family.

Add that to the list of chronic disease symptoms that others just do not understand, being alone because the disease even infects our time. Our day, Our week, Our year.

I would so much rather have been at work today, joking around with my co workers and working on a new project I have been assigned to overhead. It would be easier to do my homework at home, in my own bed or on my own couch. The hotel room is nice and plenty comfortable, but it ain't home. You cannot beat being at home when you don't feel well. All other environments feel so cold and absent when the world is crashing down around you, only the chronically ill will understand what I just said. Its just not an option right now, I cant be home and honestly I don't feel well enough to be at home. Coming to see my doctor is what I have to do right now.

Today, after a whole morning and afternoon of trying to muster the energy and motivation, I finished reading my history book for class. Next I have to write a paper on it, but lets not think about that right now.
My doctor visits have been going very well, I can see progress in my future. I do have a little bit of peace, but too much brain fog to let me hold onto it.

It's the 4th of July and...

I feel like crap...

That's the simplest way to put it that is. It's late at night/early in the am, I'm wide awake. Last week I finished the Brain Wave Optimization, the only change I noticed is I have a little more focus and alertness during the day. Sleep is more less, unchanged. The night time depression that comes and goes is still goin....

I hadn't really had it too much until after last week. The BWO may have stirred something up. Lately I've been analyzing life, goals for the summer and the like. So far I'm not impressed with what's been going on...
I have almost finished 1 library book, I have not found a job, I don't feel any better now that I'm out of school, and my sense of accomplishment is about 0!
I thought that maybe after school was out my body would perk up, because that stress was over. Nope. No change. I felt more productive doing school.


Work-I thought it would be great to find a summer job. I would love some more work experience, because I have very little. I have searched and spoken to people, at this moment my only real option is working at a fast food restaurant...I cannot eat the food and I don't support the business...fast food is one of the few jobs I just would rather not think of as an option. I'm not a picky person, but right now I cannot find anything else. Not even Walmart. I checked. Many times.

I did find one job and sent in an application, I don't have high hopes. I went into the place and asked about the job. They weren't even sure the job was open, they would have to get back to me later this week. I gave them my number and name, with hopes, but that can't be a good sign if they don't even know if they have a job.
It's a business I would rather not support, but it is something I would at least half way enjoy(and it isn't fast food).

Anyway, to my point...

Can I tell you what Lyme disease does to self worth?? Kills it, dead. If you can't work, can't accomplish anything but read, and you can't even exercise, how do you build yourself up? I sure can't. The only thing I do is hang out with friends, when they aren't working.
Lyme disease has burnt out my brain. It's hard for me to even think about work, I can hardly do math(some days I can't at all), focus comes and goes, and energy can disapear in an instant. If I were to put anything about my personal life on a résumé they would probably send it back thinking it was a joke...
Can't do math, may not actually be able to work, may forget task at hand-doesn't scream worker of the year does it?

I know I work hard. I had to work hard to find out what was wrong with me, when no one else could. (Guess job experience doesn't teach common sense, at least to doctors) I have to work to go to sleep. Reading is a significant amount of work, just to focus on the page and actually finish the book. Being sick every day, is a job on its own. Sadly it doesn't pay and other people don't think much of the experience gained from being sick.
It all has to be personal gains, and anything I can possibly share with other people who suffer.

I know deep in my heart, if it was my time to be doing something different-I would be. God has a plan, a plan that is usually different than the agenda we create. But it's hard to watch other people make something of themselves, and my accomplishment is I just about have the tv lineup memorized....

There isn't a great deal of summer left, college starts next. More school will equal more stress, if I don't watch it I will make myself sick. Lyme+stress is a dangerous combination (I can already hear people who've experienced this agree).
I don't have a choice, I have to keep going. I have to get something accomplished. The personal victories just don't seem to mean anything to other people.

Life is funny

Feeling Off

Always Something!

I posted a few days ago about being depressed at night and that I have felt frustrated lately. Today is my addition to that post...

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment. Last night I didn't have the extreme depression that I had been experiencing, which is good. Buuut, I still just don't feel right. It's like I get to try out the normal other people get to have. A test drive. 

It's great while it lasts and I use my well days to the fullest extent, without over driving my system. But when it's all said and done-there's my old, worn out body in disguise pretending it's better. Why wellness doesn't stick is something that stays on my mind. I stay positive, I eat well, I follow the doctors orders, I know I really can do this! But there is a normal that I just cannot escape. 

I hate even calling what I experience "normal" because it's anything but that. Anyone else who experiences it will agree, I'm sure! When all is said and done, it just is what it is. I will follow the path I need to take. I will do what my doctor says and I will continue to treat my body well. In the end, time will be what it takes. It takes a strenuous amount of time to build something, rebuilding something(anything really) is just as much if not more of a challenge.

That's what chronic disease is, it just so happens my chronic disease is Lyme disease. 

Why is that important? I don't know. Bacteria can be killed and damage can be stopped, but we have no way to measure progress with an infection such as this. It's all clinical, an educated guess.

My symptoms are better than they have been the last several years. I say that in about every post it seems....but I still don't feel well all the time.

Tonight for instance, I have a weird, light headache. It's like slight pressure, not enough to hurt but just enough to annoy me. Then I have nausea. I can't eat too much at once and I can't drink to much at once, that is just way too overwhelming to my stomach. Is it Lyme doing this? I have no choice but to assume it is. 

There isn't anything to be done about it. I will get over it one day. I just have to keep working,

And working 

And working 

And working 

Post of Frustration...UGHH

When is it over?

I am looking forward to the day I can walk without aching knees and lay down and go to sleep. That's what I'm starting today's post off with, because it's a positive outlook.

Now for the rest. I am depressed. Just to simply put it, I feel like no matter what I do, I will always have bad days. That in the end, I have only had band aids to my body and when therapies are stopped I'll regress. If I don't stop I feel like I'm throwing my time and energy out the window because I may not get better.

Its a lose lose situation!

I do the therapies, meet with the doctors, educate myself, find the next best thing, but am I just making things better now. I want to be better all the time-24/7. I believe in my doctor. I believe he gets patients 100% well, I believe I will be one of those patients. I'm just afraid it will be years and years upon more years, before I get to be one of those patients to get well...
I know I have written many posts this year talking about my improvement. I have improved greatly, even now I am better than I have been. The process to get well is just so slow and I feel alone when I'm not well.

I need to elaborate when I say depressed. I'm not standard depressed, I just get depressed at night. During the day I usually have no problem. At night, I feel like it's the end of the world. Like everything I do is worthless, that all of my actions of the day were wrong, I could have done/said/planned whatever it is better and what I did was a mistake, I just start to feel like I have nothing.

I don't know what to do about it. I haven't told the doctors because I know it will resolve with treatment and on some nights it's not bad. I don't know if that's a good choice of not, but I don't want anymore tests that get me put on anymore pills that aren't a permanent fix. Ugh...I feel like I have an amazing doctor, but many days I still feel like I have to fend for myself.

I know I have stated a hundred times before I don't sleep at night. I don't sleep much at all and its late when I finally get to sleep. It just is what it is these days, I sleep better during therapy at the clinic in Kansas. That's good. But that's it. At home I go back to my normal sleep patterns.

This week I am doing brain wave optimization therapy to try to get my brainwaves back in gear. I hope it works. But I'll be honest, my first thought when I started this therapy wasn't This is it, after this I'm going to sleep normal again. My thoughts were, this is boring...what's the chance it's even going to work.
It's not that I don't have faith in the therapy, buy I've just done so many different therapies and remedies in the past....I still don't sleep. Is this really going to be it?? I mean, I'm tired of doing so many different treatments.

It's depressing not being able to do what other people do. I want to get up and go to work, I want to exercise for fun, I want to throw out all my medicines, I don't want to know my doctors home phone number!
Can I tell you what it's like to become chronically ill and your own doctor at 13? It's hard. It's complicated. I wouldn't even know where to start, so I'll just say this,

It would be nice if I could go online and find a study saying XYZ treatment fixed X-Lyme disease problem 100%. I can go online and find all sorts of official, authenticated, backed studies with a bunch of diseases showing what will be beneficial and what's not. Treating Lyme disease is like gambling, who knows what's going to happen.
That goes for traditional, alternative, conventional, whatever you chose treatment. None, NONE have anything to back them with enough information to give people a cure for the disease. Kill bacteria sure, you can find studies about killing bacteria,

But it's not about killing the bacteria, it's about making the patient LIVE!

11/11

Its 11/11, also known as veterans day. What did you do to honor your troops?

Today was another good day:)
I worked more with updating this blog and using my Twitter. I even added in a new page, this one is  about depression.
 Depression is an up and coming ailment, it is certainly expanding faster than people have realized.
Anesthesia, chronic illness, hormone imbalance, mercury poisoning, etc. can all cause depression or even severe depression. During my time being sick I have certainly had my fair share of depressed days. My faith is what gets me through it, I know that everything happens for a reason. Suffering leads to thriving, just as necessity leads to invention.

If I would have never gotten sick in the first place I would have never gotten a blog, I would still eat junk food, I would still have mercury fillings, and I wouldn't have learned anything I know about trying to stay healthy. I use every bit of this information daily, that's a big deal that I could have missed out on! The point is to make the best of every situation!
Here is the newest page on my blog, still needs work but it have to start somewhere.

I also did my first official book review today! One of the reasons I started this blog is to share my experiences with others and to outline what has helped me. I personally love reading other blogs that chronicle a persons journey. I enjoy these much more than reading a plane face website. I want to know how a person feels, what is going on in their life. Reading plain facts on a bland webpage can be very boring, and also incorrect. An experience cannot be wrong, information claimed to be "facts" can be.
No one can tell me my experience was wrong, its the real deal. I hope others enjoy reading my experiences just like I enjoy reading theirs.

Moving on...
I started a Twitter yesterday. I will be using that to share anything I find that may interest my readers. An example, today I shared a quiz that will tell you which element your constitution matches in Chinese medicine. I took the quiz, I am a strong water and weak fire.
I also use it to promote other information you guys may find useful.
If you would like me to read or share your blog please send it to me! I like spending the evening reading a new blog.

I am going to continue adding to the blog as I have time. I am going to start posting and reviewing recipes, more book reviews from things I have used, plus a few other things I have in mind. I don't want you guys to get excited for something that could take months for me to get too...

Thanks for reading!