Hurting and Holding

Sorry guys I am posting less and less..I'm just not doing well right now.

I have been going through a crazy amount of stress recently, y'all wouldn't believe it if I told you. I was in a car accident, not bad at all just a minor fender bender. But, it certainly added to all the stress I just can't seek to shake. I keep trying to find new ways to distract myself and recover...sometimes I'm just trying to save myself-from myself. I'm not going to lie, I've been hurting a lot as of late. Emotionally  I have discovered a low point I thought I was long, long past... new things have come up to set me off. People have hurt me, and I just can't find a recovery point. I still don't feel like I have entirely recovered from my last visit to Kansas. Before this last visit to the clinic I was holding fairly steady, not perfect by any stretch but I was capable of being complacent. I can't find my complacency anymore, it's gone.

I have come back around to being worn out all the time. I thought I had past that in my progress. I had been doing so well. All too often I just stay stuck between never wanting to leave my bed or trying to find the quickest exit to the outside world. My emotions are so screwed up right now, it can hurt to talk to other people because I don't know how to take some things. I panic over what people say and talk about. My brain is to scrambled for conversation, I spend more time staring off into space when I'm around others. I don't talk like I used to. I feel my personality slipping away, and I'm scared.

I have a couple friends I've been talking to who have been great, sometimes I just vent even when I have no idea what I'm thinking or saying. I just miss the progress I had made, I'm sure it will come back and it's not lost. I can't undue the stress however...

I'll be back in Kansas soon, I hope that my doctor will have some insight for me.

June Update 2017

Hello all, sorry for lack of update.
The last 6 weeks or so have been crazy busy...good things and bad things. I've had several emotional breakdowns (behind closed doors), a panic attack, depression on and off, and some severe fatigue that I thought I had passed through already...
I've also had several great days full of stanina. The last two weeks at work we have been doing a remodel, which means for the last two weeks I've been moving furniture, laying flooring, painting, piecing together new furniture, and keeping up with a few of my regular work tasks... I've been working 8-10 hrs a day 5 days a week, much more than I normally work. I've loved bein so useful and working so hard, but my gosh it's taken a toll. The remodel has finished so life is about to (sorta) slow down again.
In my personal life I have had several events happen over the last month or two...two things of which a fairly big deal. I'm not in any trouble or anything bad, but I have some friends and family who are going through some major life clutter right now that has been dragging me down. One thing that I have gathered since becoming sick with Lyme disease is that I can't just leave someone I love hanging...I feel like I have been left in the wind way too many times in my life, it tugs at too many heart strings to see someone struggling.
I have had to check myself a few times and say today I am done...I have given all I have to give. It's worn me down so strongly on some days, I just stay up texting one of my close friends venting to him about everything. Even then I've had to watch it because he's not living a bed of roses either, but he's been there whenever I've needed him.
I can honestly say I do have a good support system as far as friends are concerned.

In a month I go back to see my doctor at the clinic. Last trip to Kansas was very rough, traveling to Kansas was a hassle because flights were booked. We ended up driving through a tornado in Oklahoma to make it to Wichita. But we made it. Then after a few days of treatment I was sicker than I have been in my entire life..I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain without a bone broken. I don't think I have 100% recovered since then to tell the truth....before I went to the clinic last time I was having plenty of great days and I was holding steady. After the last trip though my heath has been all over the place but never up to what it should be.
I have already completed a hormone test called the DUTCH test, I'm interested to see what the results turn out to be. I will also be doing a thyroid panel plus the standard blood work in the next few weeks. If anything this next visit will give me a strong snapshot of what my body is doing and what needs to be corrected.

Because of all of my emotional scrambleness, today I started take lithium aspartate 5mg. Even without the life clutter my emotions and brain were more erratic than normal. Lithium is good for mood regulation and possibly even brain fog, supposedly...so we shall see.
Years ago I took lithium, I had a hair mineral test to check my minerals and toxicities, I no detectable lithium in my system. So I took lithium for a few months, I had fewer terror thoughts while I was taking it, every so often something bad comes to mind out of no where that's just terrifying. Like, what if this car runs through the intersection straight into my car or what if something tragic happens to someone I am close to. Lithium decreases that significantly, I'm hoping for that to happen again.

Overall I am not doing too bad I guess...but the last few months haven't been as good as previous

Lyme Awareness 2017

Okay I'll be honest, I've always been alone in my Lyme Awareness fight..I mean I had a few people I would tell to wear green and to raise awareness but I never made much progress. This year however, wow is all I can say.
One of my best friends managed to make a Lime Green Day at the home school group I graduated from. I had several friends all wearing green just for me that day, and many more wearing green just to support the cause. I helped my friend make posters about what Lyme disease is, how it's contracted, famous people who have it, what it does to the body, and why is such a big deal. I went to the school that day and worked the snack table(which I occasionally do because it's only a few minutes from work), people were actually reading the posters! I mean groups weren't gathered around I awe or anything wild like that. But people were taking notice. One friend printed off an article online and passed it out to people from the snack table. This is an article I wish everyone could see. It certainly turned some heads, but I didn't get to watch to many people read it. Most openwws it and read the title and kept walking down the hall away from where I was sitting. But we certainly got some information out and people took notice of what we were saying. All of my family members came wearing green that day, my mom even had her nails painted bright green! I don't remember them ever doing anything like this before. But my friends have gotten the ball rolling better than j have.

On another day, May 1st actually so the beginning of Lyme awareness month, I was met some of my friends at a school gathering. The same friend I just mentioned and my other best friend were wearing green for me. They both took pictures with me and I posted them for people to see, I even sent them to my grandparents just to show them what great friends I have. My best girl friend and my best guy friend came to see me wearing green just for me. Both of these friends know about what all I've been through in fair detail. My guy friend probably knows the most out of anyone, I share anything and everything with him. I share almost as much with my girl-friend as I do my guy friend, but she's gets upset and the both of us being upset when something is going on just doesn't work LOL.
I can honestly say this too, I forgot to purposely wear green May 1st. I just happened to wear a green shirt that day. So my friends had this all planned out, and I was lost in space to it! My girl-Friend actually had to meet me at work to get a picture with me, I had to leave the gathering to get back to work before I could get a picture. But she did it, she went out of her way to get a picture to post on social media about Lyme awerensss.

I wish everyone could have as great friends as I have. These two people keep me sane. My guy friend texted me a picture of his sister wearing bright green today, he said she's wearing green today just for me. Again I was just so shocked at how much they have reached out to me.


Later on this month I plan on having a group come over to watch Under Our Skin. I've told my friends about it and they all seem interested. I just need to make the time to make it happen. It's free on amazon instant video so I don't even have an excuse not to share it!

And lastly I've been wearing my Lyme Awareness shirts every chance possible. I ordered my two friends shirts that say "I wear green for my friend who fights Lyme"  and they came in today. I hope to see them soon so they can wear them. So now all three of us can be wearing green and they'll be supporting me raising awareness.

Recovery Post

Hello all!
Today I am have a little more energy than yesterday. I spent most of it outside doing yard work, I guess that's a good sign. I still have a cough that's hanging on... I'll kick it soon enough. I'll just keep on with my supplements and peppermint oil.

Today I had the chance to checkout the blogs I follow and catch up on what I've been missing. Even after being so sick last week, I am still incredibly grateful for the progress I've made this last year. Everyone I follow is still sick, all of them. I would be willing to say it's possible I'll be back to normal and healthy before the year is over. Maybe not, but I think I'll be close. My progress has been great, I've been able to go to work and go into college. My bizarre sleeping patterns have improved. I have no bad things to really report.
Lyme patients don't get to say that often do we???


Regaining strength in my arms and back is what may take a while. Rebuilding endurance I know will take a while. But now, I have the energy to do some exercise. I went to Walmart and bought myself two 10lb weights and I've been playing around with them about everyday. I started this a month or so ago, I've made some progress. I don't know if it's good progress but either way I'm moving in the right direction. That's what counts. I'll get to where I need eventually.

I've had so many chances to look back and see all the things I've missed. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I had never lost my brain and everything under it. At one point in time I had a crazy photographic memory and I was a 100% A+ student. Those days are long past, I don't know if my memory and reasoning will go back to how it used to be. But I'll be okay. I look back and see how much I have learned. I have spoken to so many people and they've shared their stories with me. I would have never known about the Lyme community if I had never gotten sick. So many people live in a state of chronic illness, and give up. The person I first learned about Lyme disease from is still sick. I don't think she's even seen a doctor in a few years. She's decided there's no cure so no reason to bother getting better.
It is an extremely expensive process, so I can understand not wanting to spend money on treatment that's going to be a gamble. No doctor has 100% success rate. People have failed with my doctor, but I feel my doctor is the one who was meant to heal me. I wouldn't want to go to anyone else. Not everyone is not so fortunate though...I wish life was that easy.

There's a strong emotional connection to being sick. My doctor always checks to see what's clogging up my system. Occasionally emotional issues show up and he will use a Bach remedy or an essential oil to clear it, that's all I've ever needed. Many people I have met however have severe emotional trauma, they are the ones who don't do so well with treatment. Their traumas just hold them stuck where they are. I am so thankful to God that I haven't had too many emotional hang ups. I do get depressed frequently and I do wish some things could be different...I wish I could do more normal things that other teenage guys do. But whatever, I've made it this far. I've had many many good memories throughout my teenage years so nothing has been a waste.

This last year I have even made a new best friend, I have even shared some of my personal traumas with him. I still have never told anyone I know about this blog, maybe one day.

The Break down

This time I'm just going to do a simple breakdown of my treatment days at Hansa. In my last post I told about my first day.
Day two- I started out with a sore throat. He gave me this cream called plantain beeswax to use for it, i have never heard of it...but it worked well. He also gave me a hormone remedy that he created.
Day three-I felt extremely flu like, everything from here on out was a blur. He gave me a remedy to restrengthen all of my organ systems made from Chinese medicine. After that I slowly started regaining strength after that.
Day 4- added back in a heavy metal detox called Chelex which I have taken before. He also added in an herbal anti inflammatory used for Lupus. Plus some homeopathic remedies he created. I wish I could remember every little thing he did last week.
Day 5- all he added in was bamboo charcoal to help pull toxins from my gut.

Therapies-sauna, massage, ST8, LUX, and Beamer 2X daily. The other therapies like Q laser that I've  used in the past weren't needed this time.

After all was said and done, he told me a juice fast would be beneficial to detox my system, even a short one. He worked on my hormones, my brain, thyroid, autoimmunity, and my gut. I can honestly say a week later, my gut has been well cleaned out...
I lost 7 pounds that I did not have to lose during my no eating last week...I have begun to gain it back though. I need to weigh 150lbs, I went down to 131, I'm usually 138....
Today I started back with my floor exercises, I finally could muster up the energy again. It's taken a long time to recover from this last Hansa visit. I have just had a hard time getting my energy and motivation back...but it's slowly coming

Hansa visit last week

Last week I had my first visit to the clinic for the year! My blood work and CRT results were promising. Vitamin D-Good, kidneys, liver, gallbladder, lungs, spleen, adrenals-good. Cholesterol is still low. Urid acid was high, according to the doc this is a marker of high inflammation.

This time around we working on my gut, hormones, and some thyroid.

I had a minor situation this past week that I am still working through. The doctor started me on a few things Monday for my gut. He said I looked good enough I could probably be done with just three days of treatment. Well come Wednesday, day number 3, I was dead sick. I could hardly walk, high fever, shaking, nausea, dizziness, headache, sore throat, like the flu.

One of my supplements he had me taking seemed to be a little too much, and that appears to have been the cause of my sudden illness. He had me cut down on the dose and he gave me something to strengthen my system back up. It's now a week later and I'm almost fully recovered.
I'll do a full update on last week later on, just wanted to let you guys know I did go to the clinic and I did make it back. I have just been sick...

The Brain Roller Coaster

It never ceases to amaze me the roller coaster we live on that we call chronic disease. We could be on top of the world on a good day and farther down in the trenches than we ever believed possible on a bad day. The brain is a funny thing, we never really know what it's doing. It's not like our liver or gut in the fact we can't just do a cleanse to improve its health. The brain takes a long time to detoxify and heal.
On our journey of chronic disease we live with an unbelievable amount of trauma, much of it unconscious. I find myself triggered by little things as of recently for no outright and obvious reason. It's as if my brain has just left me and become independent, I have no idea what it's doing. This past week or so has been extremely wearing...
I've been in several arguments with other people, the topic of course being me. My job as informed me that because of recent decline in business my hours are being cut for the time being. My hours were already irregular, now I work fewer days and on the days I do work my day is scattered. I work an hour or two then I am off an hour or two. Monday I worked 9-10, 2:30-3:30, 4-5, the day felt so long even though I hadn't accomplished near as much as I would have a few months ago.

Having more time to myself has given me even more time for my mind to wander. I already do that too much during the night when I would like to be asleep. Now I get a head start on being OCD and depressed, it all starts when I finish school in the afternoon all the way until I fall asleep that night. It gets even better though, sometimes I even dream about what is bothering me. That way when I wake up my thoughts are even more scrambles on what is reality vs what is imagination.

Two weeks ago I was doing great. I had started exercising on a daily basis, I wasn't depressed, I was excited to be around other people, I was even beating my alarm in the morning before work. I had the feeling things were starting to turn around even better than before.
This past week however hasn't been so good. The time change has messed up my sleep, so now its a struggle to wake up for work. I can't stand to be around other people but I also despise being alone, I'm paranoid about which people I talk to and what I say to them. Exercise is still going, this is probably a personal record for me, I'm just taking a day of here and there just in case the exertion is exascerbating the whole ordeal. In the beginning doing some floor exercises was therapeutic now not so much...

This is probably the worst my brain has ever been, this time around I have no idea of what could have caused it. The past several weeks I have 99% cut out junk food of any sort. I've been sticking to raw goat milk yogurt, bone broth,  calf liver, salad, juice, smoothies, beans, and nuts. I haven't felt hungry and my guy has overall felt more at ease than previously. I have been wondering if the added meat has changed my thought patterns, because before I was more so vegetarian. I eat some kind of meat most days but not to the caliber I have been.
My goal was to follow Dr.Axs leaky gut protocol. I have been taking 5g of L-Glutamine powder every day which is supposed to be fantastic for the gut and the brain. It's even supposed to be beneficial for all the mental symptoms I've been having, just apparently not the case for me. I've added in a B-Complex that I've taken in the past for an energy boost, no difference noted through.

I go back to see my doctor in Kansas this weekend, I've already had my blood drawn. All I'm doing now is waiting for the Monday to get here...
Physically I have been doing better than my average, significantly. Mentally....I have no idea what I've done :/

A quick recap of my supplement protocol that I am currently following, fish oil, vitamin D 8,000IU, a liver cleanse for my smoothie(only used it since last Monday and I don't use it daily), and then a couple essential oils-rosemary, frankincense, peppermint, clove, and digestblend. Plus L glutamine and b-complex