Introducing-Dr. Psychiatrist

I Did the Thing I Never Wanted to DO

I did it. After years of needing something I finally did it. I went and saw an actual, MD Psychiatrist, mentioned in my last post. I pushed off ever seeing a psychiatrist because I never wanted any of my health issue to actually "be in my head". Lyme is so often referred to as being a fake illness and its "all in peoples heads" and I never wanted my head to need formal examination.

I found the compromise though. I went to a special clinic which does more than ask me about depression and has more to offer than self help questionnaires( i.e. are you sad? Do you feel the whole world is against you? Do you have a problem with drugs? Have you ever smoked marijuana? Do you want to kill yourself? OK ill stop there)

This new clinic is a fairly newer discovery for me. Especially considering its almost considered local even, only an hour away. This clinic takes a more comprehensive and wholesome look at the psychiatric situation, they take into consideration thyroid health, infections (lyme being an infection they're familiar with), hormones, traumas, brain injuries, allergies, diet, exercise, supplements.
I feel more comfortable being evaluated by someone who is familiar with more tools than just the hammer, if you will. They also use a specialized brain scan to see the brain itself, they did an active and a resting scan on my brain.
With these results they can see which parts of my brain are over active and which are under active.

It was all a very fascinating process, ive never done anything like this before. Truthfully I never thought Id need to either.
The patient coordinator (or whatever her title was) spent a significant amount of time with me getting more details on my symptoms, even the lyme symptoms. It was a very thorough yet comfortable evaluation. She asked me to explain some of my symptoms, like what is brain fog for me, in which I said - Its hard for me to retrieve thoughts, very hard to focus, difficult or impossible to remember things, and hard to string together thoughts.
Ive never really had to refine the definition of a symptom like that before, I appreciated how well they were paying attention to detail.

On day 1 they had me come to the clinic, and do the first brain scan. They gave me an IV of some sort of dye then they had me play some computer game with letters. Man was that hard, I am so glad I didnt get a grade for that because it would have been really sad LOL. The point of this activity was to activate my brain, get the circulation flowing.
Then I went in to be scanned.
After the scan I met with the patient coordinator for my story and health history.

Day 2 (final day). They had me relax in a room alone comfortably for 10-15 minutes to get my brain to wind down and go to its resting state.
Following this I was scanned.
A few hours after the scan I met with the Doc. She was very friendly and again, thorough.

The first thing the dr. said to me was So you are actually making A's in school? I said I do, its hard but I do.
She was surprised and commended me for being able to do that.
She proceeded to explain more about the scans and what the process was, and what a normal scan looks like.
Then came my scans. My results. The things that determined what was actually, legitimately going on in my head.
She told me I have a severe amount of brain inflammation throughout and this needs to be corrected ASAP. She said this is part of my cognitive impairment.
She showed me the relaxed scan first.
On this, I had an overactive basal ganglia (fight or flight part of the brain) and a very overactive thalamus.
The inflammation created a diamond pattern.
The basal ganglia is a survival part of the brain, its what kicks into gear when you are in trouble.
Now keep in mind this is my RESTING scan. When im supposed to be calming down or getting ready to sleep-my brain goes into survival mode-red alert-whats happening
Then the Thalamus is related to post traumatic stress, I do not remember all this was associated with.

On the active scan-
I had an underactive frontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that does the thinking. Its part of the Here and Now, taking in whats going on and responding, focusing, concentrating.
The left temporal lobe is also underactive, which is related to memory.
So the thinking and memory parts of my brain are missing a lot of function.

When im at rest, my brain goes on red alert. When im active, it shuts off. The basal ganglia is over active on both scans, but less over active on the active scan.
Which is why I enjoy keeping busy so much, it tones the stress in my head down. Working long hours on my car-its like im literally helping my brain hide from itself. OR other activities.

I was also told by something showing up on my scans and by symptoms that I may have a vision disorder called Irlens Syndrome (also called scotopic syndrome). Which is a processing problem in the brain for vision, not in the eye. It can in some cases be caused by infections causing damage.
This disorder is related to how the brain intakes colors, and with this problem it can cause issues with reading, skipping lines, and remembering what you read (very condensed version of symptoms). The treatment for this is to wear special colored glasses or contacts. I would need to see someone trained in this to be evaluated and figure out what color filter I would need. Im not sure when I will be pursuing this....

I was also told I most likely had PANDAS based on the severely overactive basal ganglia and by what we believe may have been a strep infection last March.
She told me the sudden onset of anxiety and OCD is a huge, huge, indicator for PANDAS. She did say she didnt really see it in adults but it was hard to argue with the symptoms and tests.
(ha, guess im special!!)

I had a strong strong feeling I was about to be diagnosed with PANDAS. Ive been pursuing that for a couple months now, trying to learn more on tests and treatments for it. I did not however know that PANDAS turned on the basal ganglia like that though (im sure ive read it, but I dont really understand the brain all that well. and I forget things that I dont understand). I thought PANDAS was really only visible through symptoms and strep tests.

I was told I may have had a little bit of ADD judging by my frontal lobe, it may not have been severe enough pre-lyme to have caused me any noticeable issue. The stress and damage from the lyme could have brought about its presentation.

Treatments-
#1 she emphasized that I do, hyperbaric oxygen. Ive never done this before. She said its vital for neurogenesis and bringing circulation back in my brain. She said I need to do 30 treatments.
Currently attempting to figure out the logistics of that.

#2, she gave me two supplements to take. One is a mix, high dose fish oil, strong memory booster and multi vitamin. The other supplement is for sleep, it has GABA, L Glutamine, Taurine, Tyrosine, and phosphitadyl serine in it.

Ive started the supplements. Hasn't been long so I do not really have much to report. The first supplement actually covered/replaced some thing I had previously been taking. Thankfully I actually came off some things by starting this. Thats a very rare occurrence in my world!!

All in all
Ive been told I have severe inflammation in my brain and whole body, I have brain damage, possibly Irlens syndrome, and I have PANDAS. Ill be darned. The dr actually managed to impress me with what they did and what they found. It isn't all that often a dr actually makes me say wow.

I was told 6 months on the supplements and 30 treatments on the hyperbaric.

The reason it took me so long to post on it (a week!), it took me a bit to digest all of this. I know I was expecting them to find something wrong ( I would have been mad if they didnt!) but just the fact that things were found and they do have significance.
On top of that, I still am learning about all of this. Im still reading through all my reports and understanding all the information ive been given.
And still checking out what options I have to help me out as far as symptoms. Im taking herbal anti depressants, GABA, L-Theanine, and some hormonal supports which have all helped with anxiety over the last several months. I think that last time I had a full breakdown was the end of October/beginning of November. The crying and severe anxiety has improved.
Im hoping this new protocol with get rid of the anxiety altogether and bring back my brain function.
I just feel so apathetic and empty, id really really like to see that disappear and get replaced with the old me
Maybe thats a big request, but surely with enough time and patience??'

One last thing. The best explanation as to how I feel was said by Shannon Goertzon on her blog four years ago in this post called Finding My Brave
Her blog posts were the main reason I searched out PANDAS, her symptoms match mine to a T, she seems much worse though. I highly suggest Shannons blog, she's been through the wringer more than once!! Very intelligent and endearing woman to read from!

Beginning Therapy

Therapy
Well you guys, today was the day. The day I was never intending to happen. The day that has been on my mind since last September. I have never wanted to see a therapist. I have always been afraid a therapist would tell me that all of my problems are in my head or they are my fault. The last thing I can deal with right now is someone else telling me to get my crap together and pick myself up by my bootstraps. Been there, tried that.

I think that...I am glad to say...it went well...
Today was visit number 2. Last week was intake, I met a man named Jeff who asked me questions on my medical history and explained the whole counseling process to me. Then today, I met with Jeff again. He asked me more on my medical history so I explained more to him on how I have fought with lyme and the trauma that has come about from it. We also talked about family history and my childhood. It was a lot but in a good way.
Jeff asked me a bunch of questions, ending in me talking. A lot. Today we focused the most on the initial trauma of becoming ill and how I was raised. It wasn't terribly hard to talk about like it can be. I think now that I've gotten to meet the guy I am getting more comfortable talking to him. But on the other hand today was a fairly good day, which I also mentioned to him. It just feels so strange to me to tell all of my personal life to someone who is a complete stranger. I don't even tell my friends some of this stuff and I know them...so to pour out any imagine-able detail about my life to this guy sitting in a chair with a sheet of paper...new experience to say the least....

It went well though. I felt no worse when I left than when I walked in, so it couldn't have been that bad. He didn't call me crazy or say anything offensive. I didn't really expect him too, but it is a fear of course. I don't know though, its still a peculiar environment for me. So far its just been me explaining my life to him, something tell me thats how its going to be for a while...I usually have a lot to say.
At the end of the session he asked what I was looking for in a counselor, I told him I was looking for someone who understood what it was like to be sick all the time. Someone who understands the things that healthy people don't understand.
he said they do not have anyone who specializes in sickness or anyone particular he thought was exactly what I was looking for, so he offered to be my therapist. Of course I said yes, so we will see how things go with my new therapist Jeff. I do have the freedom to request a new counselor at any point, that makes me feel more comfortable just in case something happens.

The Mental Breakdown
So that was my day today. Today and the last several days have not been too bad....last Friday though-not so great.
Last week was a tad rough at work. I didn't think it was all that bad until I reached the end of the week and I realized something, I felt like death. I wasn't functioning well at work at all. One of the people I was working with even looked over and asked me if I was alright. On bad days I try my best to hide how I feel at work, I don't want anyone to worry about me or think Im complaining. When someone notices Im not myself, I know I have reached the point of feeling much worse than I even realize.
Friday that held true. The further through the day I crawled the less I wanted to do anything. Friday evening came around and I just started to loose it. Physically I was feeling just mildly sick, mentally I shattered. I had friends over (thats all I remember, I don't remember what friends or what we did) at my house, I was barely present for that. When they left I made it to the shower and just bawled my eyes out. My brain was racing with negative thoughts. I couldn't think of anything that made me happy. It didn't matter what crossed my mind it caused me upset and frustration. I didn't know who to turn to, in fact this time I don't think i turned to anyone. I just took some medication and turned on some music. That was all I felt like doing....I hate feeling like that. On the nights that I feel entirely worthless and a waste of space I feel like I undo every bit of positive thinking and a happy moments that I have struggled to create.
I keep telling myself that I or someone will find a solution to help me feel human again. I want to be me all the time, not just sometime or on rare occasions.
Im blaming work stress for breaking my mind to shards this time. This week at work I decided to take a new approach, the "I don't care because I can quit at any time" approach. Maybe its working.
Today I have without a doubt a couple of things running through my mind that have distracted me from feeling like myself. Its not severe..I just hope it stays that way.
My summer class starts tomorrow, I hope its easy enough to not stress me out but hard enough to keep my mind on track.

Until next time...

When Time Stops

 I am back at the clinic for part of this week and I had a realization today. I was laying on the couch in the hotel room, thinking about all the homework I needed to get done and also how alone I have been feeling.
The TV was going but I was hardly watching it, I was so tired for most of this afternoon that I have been lost in space. Whenever I get like this I tend to just flip through my phone, flipping from one page to another. Opening an app then closing it, until I decide I need to do something better with my time. I realized that time had stopped, minutes felt like hours, I wasn't talking to anyone, TV was just noise, I didn't want to read, I couldn't do anything. I was so tired and foggy I couldn't make myself do any of my normal activities.
On top of that I realized I wasn't talking to anyone because time has not stopped for my friend, they are all either in school or at work. They don"t have the time to talk to me right now, too much life in the way. I haven't heard from my best friend since 6:30am yesterday, he hasn't seen any of my messages about whats going on with me here at the clinic, School and work dictate otherwise. Its sad for me, because he's one of the very few people I feel like I actually connect with, but he isn't sick-his life cant just stop because of me. Same with the rest of my friends and family.

Add that to the list of chronic disease symptoms that others just do not understand, being alone because the disease even infects our time. Our day, Our week, Our year.

I would so much rather have been at work today, joking around with my co workers and working on a new project I have been assigned to overhead. It would be easier to do my homework at home, in my own bed or on my own couch. The hotel room is nice and plenty comfortable, but it ain't home. You cannot beat being at home when you don't feel well. All other environments feel so cold and absent when the world is crashing down around you, only the chronically ill will understand what I just said. Its just not an option right now, I cant be home and honestly I don't feel well enough to be at home. Coming to see my doctor is what I have to do right now.

Today, after a whole morning and afternoon of trying to muster the energy and motivation, I finished reading my history book for class. Next I have to write a paper on it, but lets not think about that right now.
My doctor visits have been going very well, I can see progress in my future. I do have a little bit of peace, but too much brain fog to let me hold onto it.

The Brain Roller Coaster

It never ceases to amaze me the roller coaster we live on that we call chronic disease. We could be on top of the world on a good day and farther down in the trenches than we ever believed possible on a bad day. The brain is a funny thing, we never really know what it's doing. It's not like our liver or gut in the fact we can't just do a cleanse to improve its health. The brain takes a long time to detoxify and heal.
On our journey of chronic disease we live with an unbelievable amount of trauma, much of it unconscious. I find myself triggered by little things as of recently for no outright and obvious reason. It's as if my brain has just left me and become independent, I have no idea what it's doing. This past week or so has been extremely wearing...
I've been in several arguments with other people, the topic of course being me. My job as informed me that because of recent decline in business my hours are being cut for the time being. My hours were already irregular, now I work fewer days and on the days I do work my day is scattered. I work an hour or two then I am off an hour or two. Monday I worked 9-10, 2:30-3:30, 4-5, the day felt so long even though I hadn't accomplished near as much as I would have a few months ago.

Having more time to myself has given me even more time for my mind to wander. I already do that too much during the night when I would like to be asleep. Now I get a head start on being OCD and depressed, it all starts when I finish school in the afternoon all the way until I fall asleep that night. It gets even better though, sometimes I even dream about what is bothering me. That way when I wake up my thoughts are even more scrambles on what is reality vs what is imagination.

Two weeks ago I was doing great. I had started exercising on a daily basis, I wasn't depressed, I was excited to be around other people, I was even beating my alarm in the morning before work. I had the feeling things were starting to turn around even better than before.
This past week however hasn't been so good. The time change has messed up my sleep, so now its a struggle to wake up for work. I can't stand to be around other people but I also despise being alone, I'm paranoid about which people I talk to and what I say to them. Exercise is still going, this is probably a personal record for me, I'm just taking a day of here and there just in case the exertion is exascerbating the whole ordeal. In the beginning doing some floor exercises was therapeutic now not so much...

This is probably the worst my brain has ever been, this time around I have no idea of what could have caused it. The past several weeks I have 99% cut out junk food of any sort. I've been sticking to raw goat milk yogurt, bone broth,  calf liver, salad, juice, smoothies, beans, and nuts. I haven't felt hungry and my guy has overall felt more at ease than previously. I have been wondering if the added meat has changed my thought patterns, because before I was more so vegetarian. I eat some kind of meat most days but not to the caliber I have been.
My goal was to follow Dr.Axs leaky gut protocol. I have been taking 5g of L-Glutamine powder every day which is supposed to be fantastic for the gut and the brain. It's even supposed to be beneficial for all the mental symptoms I've been having, just apparently not the case for me. I've added in a B-Complex that I've taken in the past for an energy boost, no difference noted through.

I go back to see my doctor in Kansas this weekend, I've already had my blood drawn. All I'm doing now is waiting for the Monday to get here...
Physically I have been doing better than my average, significantly. Mentally....I have no idea what I've done :/

A quick recap of my supplement protocol that I am currently following, fish oil, vitamin D 8,000IU, a liver cleanse for my smoothie(only used it since last Monday and I don't use it daily), and then a couple essential oils-rosemary, frankincense, peppermint, clove, and digestblend. Plus L glutamine and b-complex

Allergy Flare

It's been a little while since I have posted much. Before I was feeling well so I didn't have anything to say. The last few weeks on the other hand, I haven't had much to say because I haven't felt great.

I haven't been doing bad, just haven't been myself.

Something must be blooming outside, because my nose is running a marathon. I have reached Squirel hoarding status with my tissue stash...haha

Lately I've just been feeling a little under the weather and just not totally present. The lights are on but nobody's home. The allergies have also been keeping me awake, solid awake through the night. This past night I officially went to sleep at 5:30am, then woke up fully awake about 11:20. I woke up a few times or maybe even several times, and that's what seems to be the routine at the moment.

I have been taking HistaBlock from Natures Sunshine, but my bottle has run out. Allergies are a little unusual for me, so I don't keep anything on hand. Even in my oils, nothing good. Haha, I think this this is a sign I am not prepared for everything, I used to have a bottle of anything I needed back in the old days. I guess this is a good sign I haven't needed as much, that's a plus.

It's just been like I'm in a fog, my brain isn't here. Like I can sit with someone and miss everything they said or forget they are even there altogether. That's unusual for me. It's normal for me to forget what someone says to me, but miss it altogether...not cool.

On another note. I finished my supplements last Tuesday, until I go back to Hansa. I do have to continue on one remedy for parasites until I return, but other than that I'm free.