Campus Tour

 I Toured my Soon to be College Campus!

This morning was amazing! My mom and I went and toured my soon to be college, I will start in April. I was able to meet people and see the classrooms and apartments. It was great! The people on campus, staff and students were the nicest people. They all told their story briefly, and everyone of them had a story. The college, being a chiropractic school, is multinational big time. One of our guides was from Puerto Rico and another was from Berlin, Germany. One was raised by a chiropractor, the other had a neck injury when he was a teenager and was inspired when he was healed by a chiro. In Germany, he said there are only around 120 chiropractors for the whole country-so not very many at all. I bet theres that many within 75 miles of me LOL. 

I felt like I was around other people who got it, people who are living with a purpose and dedicated to helping others. All of the teachers on campus are either DC, MD, PHD or a combination. One teacher that toured us around was from Egypt, he was both an MD and DC. He did not entirely give his story, but he seemed very fascinated by people. 

One of our tour guides, we were her last tour before she graduates, she had a back injury when she was a teenager and took the medical route. It didn't work for her and she was miserable, she lived with her issues for a long time but when she reached her early 30's she decided to go back to school and ended up at this one. She told my mom and I how she was pushed into it all, by God, how it all just landed into place and how she ended up in the chiropractic field. Pretty much all of the students who spoke said similar, they felt that this is where they were supposed to be and it was not an accident. Imagine being around that many like minded people who all believe that they are actually serving a purpose, rather than living aimless!

Talking to this tour guid though, she almost made me cry. When I told her my story, and I was only able to share a fraction of it with her, all she said was "oh my God" and she got it. She could see all I had been through and didn't question it. And she said to me "you keep sharing your story and never stop. Remember your why. Share your story often, it will mean so much.".

I have never felt like this before, but I felt like someone put such a strong value on my purpose to help others. No one tried to critique it, question it or tell me there was something wrong. I always shy away from sharing my story too much, I don't want to over share or make it seem like I have been through more than the next person. I never want to let someone feel bellow me because their story is different from mine. But this lady made sure to show me, that I am adding a value rather than substituting someone else out. How often do you hear a doctor, not talking over or trying to explain why they are right and you are wrong?? The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear "doctor" is someone who is smart but not wise, someone who tends to be snotty and a bit holier than thou. I did not get that feeling at all with any of these people today. 

This was a way different feeling from my undergraduate, the whole campus. It was a lot cleaner, a lot friendlier, a bit smaller. It will be another hard journey, making it through and passing all the boards, but I can do it. I have to do it. The environment will be much more positive than my undergrad though, because the nice thing about grad school is that most everyone that is there, wants to be there. It is more than just a means to an end, its a foundational beginning. 

I Got In

 I Have Some News!!!

Last week I recieved an important phone call, the person on the other line gave me some very important news that I have long awaited for. Today I received a letter in the mail, and I could finally see the good news in black and white.

I got into graduate school!! I will begin attending chiropractic school next year! My opportunity to officially join the alternative health community has happened, I will be more than the technician and a phone call answerer that I am now!!

I applied for the Spring Quarter starting in April of 2021, but the admissions lady that called me extended the invite to join the school in January instead. I have no yet given her my choice, its only been a few days, but I will probably hold out and start in April. I would love love love to start sooner, but I shouldn't rush into things and change my original plans. I have some things I need to do before I dedicate my life to school even more than I already have. I want to visit some friends, I want to do some traveling (though the current state of the world may inhibit that...) and I want to enjoy time off from formal education for a little bit.

For those who are not familiar with how the standard chiropractic program operates, it is 14 quarters. Roughly 9 weeks on with 1 week breaks in between each quarter, year round-with a little extra time at Christmas. The first two years are much like medical school, lots of science courses-read...THE hard courses. The last two years, adjustments, techniques, radiology and the like are taught. Again, its not easy anywhere along the way, but from what i'm told its just like undergrad. Some classes will be long and painful, others will be fairly easy (again. in comparison). Ive talked to some chiropractors around town about their education process, one man whose been in the business for a couple decades said when he went to chiropractic college it was a 12 quarter program, or roughly 3 years instead of 4-it has become more dense and difficult in the modern day. 

I am so, so proud of my lyme doctor for helping me reach this point in my life. When I was in high school, my parents pushed me to duel enroll in college, because in my state it is free college-the state pays it. I remember being absolutely miserable. My brain fog was in full swing, class was a blur, the teachers were great but I physically and mentally just barely made it through. And that was freshman classes, not hard classes yet!

Now here I am excited and ready to jump into a graduate program which I already know will be more intense and I cannot wait. I feel like I am already ready and prepared, good to go! I don't really dread it, knowing that it will be intense and will wear me out at times. I just cannot believe I have reached the point in my life where I can be excited for school and want to do more.

I have so, so, so much to be grateful for. My health, my clear (enough) brain, my energy, my physical strength, my family, my support system, my doctor, my drive (def. from God, not from me), my ability to realize that  what I have been given time and time again is a gift from God. I have made it a long way, sometimes I had to be pushed, sometimes I was pushing myself.

New Era

The beginning of a new era is on my calendar. In the past, oftentimes things in the future were scary, this time it's exciting. I have one more trip planned to go see my lyme doctor in March, the way I feel right now I probably could skip it and keep going but due to the nature of the schooling I do not know when I will have free time again to take a week or so to fly out to Kansas. So March it is!

I will of course continue to write here, I know I have been fairly quiet. If I am not mistaken google has pushed the blogger platform back some and made it less advertised online, so I know my posts on this platform are not as shared as they once were from standard google searches. But even so, I will continue to journal and share the things I learn along the way. I started this blog to catalogue my life, I see no reason to stop just because I am feeling better. I have seen so many lyme blogs end abruptly with no reason given, and you never know what happened. Did they get better? Did they stay better? Did they actually get their life back or was it only an improvement?

I want to show what it is like to beat chronic lyme and keep going with my life.

I was telling my dear friend that I feel that with this acceptance, I can actually accept this dream rather than fear losing it. Because with chronic disease, it can be so hard to dream for fear of getting let down again. 

Anyway, just wanted to share my most recent good news!!

Thinking

Im Not Sure Where To Start
Hey you guys, been a month now and im trying not to go too long without longing life here on the blog.
This school semester is killing me, psych and sociology are going awesome, chemistry and pre calc are knocking me out. Me and numbers and memorizing and focusing....not so great! I love psychology, I think I have the best teacher in the world, I really do. Today after class I spent almost half an hour talking to her about my experiences in the clinic I work in, compared to what I had seen in today lecture. Today we talked about alcoholism and alcohol use (earlier this week was drugs and controlled substances), so I talked about how we see so many people who use food or drugs as their way to cope with life and most of that is because its socially acceptable to eat a lot for comfort.

We also talked about how many clients will lie to your face "oh no, im not doing that anymore" then follow up and say "except for... four times yesterday, then today for breakfast, plus when I was on the way here". I asked my teacher, "so when will we cover the stats on how many clients will never even try to get better or how they will just get more creative at hiding from their problem" and thats how we got onto the subject. It was very enjoyable, she is someone who definitely gets it, who sees life through their own eyes and not someone who hides behind rose glasses (or at least does a good job at appearing that way). That was probably the highlight of my day, could even be my week.

As far as my actual health goes, I dont want to say it and I dont want to claim it, but I have had a bunch of rough days in the last few weeks.
Monday morning I woke up at 5am, after a demonic nightmare (very rare for me. very) and I was wide awake, so I functioned that day on 3 hours of rough sleep. Tuesday was similar, I was up at 5 after a weird dream but managed to fall back to sleep. Then at 6:30am I woke up and that was it, but I did sleep around 7 or so hours this time so it was better than the day before. Tuesday night I was asleep around 11:30pm, and then i slept until 10:30am wednesday. I would call that pretty solid, but still I was worn out. And allll of that leads us up to today, which is still rough and I cant think. My brain and focus checked out.

Emotionally, except for the last couple of weeks where Ive felt worn out, Ive had a LOT of really good days. Days  that I can ride around the car and enjoy my time listening to my music and having fun. No complaints. I have been very grateful for the reminder of what that all actually feels like. Even now, im not feeling great physically or emotionally, but its not so bad compared to a year ago. Its rough and I need to get this figured out sooner rather than later, I know part of it is stress and overworking myself.

I have been getting back in the sauna again, last week I got in for 45-60 minutes 5-6 times. That helped me a lot, but for whatever reason it didnt stick to this week. I got in again today for the first time this week, im praying that tomorrow will be a great day. If I can make it through work and some studying, thats all I ask.
I have been taking more time off work, I took nearly all of today off work to get some homework and rest in.

One personal thing has been weighing on me a ton and Its something I do wish would just go away. But I know better than that, and theres no lessons to be learned if my problems disappear into thin air. The end of October is the anniversary of the death of someone who used to be my best friend, and I was always involved with that with my friend every year. Now, nothing. He doesn't talk to me anymore and won't answer my calls, texts, emails etc. so I know better than to try to send him another message of any sorts. Its just odd, being so close to someone and being a part of special times in their life (though this one is rather tragic, not sure special is really the right word, maybe I should say meaningful instead ?), then just being gone from their life. But, for now, it just is what it is.

This coming week I am going to get some blood work done to checkout whats going on in my body. Its been several months since I have had anything checked out, I may find a cause to why I haven't been feeling so hot.

Back to School

Math Class
Its the end of the first week of September and school is completely back in action and in full swing! I kept doing some classes through the summer, so I never took a full break per say. But doing a couple of scattered classes over the whole summer is still so much easier than a full load, which, yet again, I somehow managed to forget.

Today for the first time I had to admit what I would refer to as defeat. I had to talk to my boss at the end of the work day and for the first time EVER in my rather short working career, cut my hours. I just cant do it. Im overwhelmed and my body is tired. I honestly think I did better at getting things done when I felt like crap than I do now, I think the adrenaline from being afraid of falling asleep in class and falling short may have been needed to keep me running like I was.
I just had to stop. Five college classes and 30 hour work weeks, and about 25 hours of homework at home every week. I cant even go to the gym or hang out with friends at ALL because i'm always staring down a book like my life depends on it.
Im taking abnormal psychology, Chemistry +chem lab (3 hours long, twice a week, whose jealous ?), Pre Calculus, and Globalization. I spend so much time doing math and chemistry, I forgot I was taking Globalization. I barely have time to even take the other classes. On Wednesday I spent the time after I got up, all the way until after 9:15pm or so, doing math and chemistry. I could barely move I was so tired, my only breaks were eating and going to math class(ok so that wasn't a break).

Cutting down on going to work is my LEAST favorite thing to do. I enjoy the people and the job itself way too much. I don't have to "act" a certain way and I don't really worry about if I'm being talked about behind my back, unlike some other crowds of mine.
Plus working of course, provides funding for my hobbies which is my escape from stress. Kinda a catch 22, working to be able to pay to de stress or not working to de stress. Hm.

Today, what broke me and made me wave the white flag, I completely bombed my first math test for the semester. It was 100% because I just didn't have the time to study, I spent all my free time doing homework. I knew this stuff, this was a repeat from last semester, I aced the homework. It wasn't even a long or particularly hard test. I was just so tired and I hadn't been able to study, which is something I have to do for math because I am not wired to do math.

Needless to say. Im a bit depressed. 90% is probably due to just being worn out, this is the busiest school schedule ive ever had, chemistry should really be considered two classes instead of one. I knew this was going to be a rough schedule, I just did not realize how bad. Only three more months to go. The first month went by quick. Thats good right? I just have to redo the first month three more times, then the semester is over LOL

Ive been thinking a lot lately, Ive fallen into a very anti social mood these days. Well. Most of this year I haven't really wanted to be around other people, its not just lately. Ive been paying attention to the people who I most enjoy being around and the people that stress me out.
One "friend" of mine, that was a classmate, who liked to call or text me with ALL of her complaints whenever she got frustrated with life. Which, she may have earned a Guinness world record for, I don't think she's even capable of having something right in her life. But don't worry, she was a very capable young woman, because nothing was EVER her fault. (read the sarcasm here). She was always nice to me for the most part but after a while, I realized she really drove me nuts.
Theres another two or three people that fall into this category, that were close friends and known for years. And I cant help but wonder, what should I do? I already avoid them and don't really talk to or see them in person...but they're my friends (i think). I feel like i'm doing something wrong. But I also feel like when I'm not in the room, I don't want to know what they actually talk about.

On the other side. The people at work are usually my favorite people to be around. Is it because they're that much different than the other people I know, or am I just more comfortable at work than I am around people outside of work. These are the things that keep me awake at night LOL.

Media
Ive payed more attention to some of the things I really enjoy to watch on tv. Tonight I was watching an old Joan Rivers clip on youtube, it was about this time five years ago that she was killed by some doctors. Joan was talking about how she originally had to work hard to reach the level that she reached. She was a woman, a jew, and said things that not just everyone wanted to hear (read men didn't like female competition 60 or so years ago), she had to work harder in some ways than other people in the business at the time.
Then when she was in her 50's, her husband killed himself and she lost her TV show. She lost her best friend, and all that she had worked for over her whole life, all in days of each other. I think a lot of people can sympathize, who have chronic disease. One day you have your life, wherever the milestone be that you've reached, and then one day its gone. Or one day you feel so horrible that you couldn't care less for what you do or don't have.
Joan said she had to go back to the bottom of the totem pole, she ended up back in regular night clubs with the kids who were trying to become someone. Here she was, in her fifties, had her own national tv show and prior career with Johnny Carson, and she was back at the starting point. To me, thats like graduating college with a doctorate then being sent back to Kindergarten to start over from the very beginning.
Later in the interview she talked about how some people are offended by her sense of comedy, and she listed some things that had upset people that she ended up changing. She also made a point that I agree with, if someone has a life that others could only ever wish for and they make $25 million a year. Its not a big deal to talk about their outfit.
On the surface its obvious that this is a joke, especially if you see what some people on TV wear . BUT looking at this a bit more seriously. What do we ourselves look at in ourselves or others, that we take too harshly? At the end of the day some things really don't matter. We can all make mistakes, sure, and be too critical about them. But some things we should just get over it, because tomorrow it wont matter. Easier said than done.
I appreciate Joans sense of humor because it makes some of the hard subjects lighter and she doesn't limit herself to a "box" that only certain people fit in. She even says, many times, that she is her own biggest critic.
Makes you think doesnt it?

No?

Okay so just me then.


One day its my goal to motivate myself to keep going with whatever the project or assignment is, without criticizing myself or others. I wonder, for real, that if one day this is how I will really work in my daily life.

Long Hiatus

I Forgot
Ok so I am guilty of what many bloggers all do at some point in life. I forgot to sit down and write on my blog.
Ive been writing this blog for years, Im a bit shocked it was so easy for me to just disappear like that. E texted me this evening and asked me if it was a good thing that it has been 5 months since my last post. I had NO idea it had been that long! Not in the slightest. A whole lot of things have changed since February. Mostly for the better!

Okay so first things first. I finished another semester of school successfully. College Algebra included. That alone is a gift from God LOL.
I decided to do two summer classes this summer, Theories of Psych and Social Problems. Both have been rather fun and light classes to do during an online summer semester. I like the 1 class per month setup, im not so rushed to get things done. I just have my dedicated amount of time to spend on each class 6 days awake, but short amounts of time so I can actually ENJOY the class a little! I remember when reading was rocket science a few years ago.
Sitting down to read a book is still difficult, but for school I can do it.

Second! I went to see my Kansas Doc in March. WOW. Life has changed a lot since then. He started me on some new things for sleep which have made a significant difference in the quality of my sleep. We did the standard work up, I have it all written down and I will post specific details on it all soon.
My quality of life sky rocketed after this last visit to my doctor, like record breaking. Before I went to the clinic I was really starting to wear down again, feeling very flatline and tired. Not necessarily depressed or anxious, just run down. But I was going to the gym every so often and pushing myself, trying to get into the rhythm of exercising and exerting physical energy. My body had all forgotten what intentional exercise was after all these years, 13 years old was when all my formal exercise of any sort ended. Now I am 21 and I can do it again. Some days I can some days I can't, but what has made life different is the days that I can are out numbering the ones where I can't. I do still have limits, I am really pushing getting to bed earlier. I HAVE to recover and not over do it in my daily life if I want to be able to feel well and be able to exercise.
The first  two months after my March visit with my doctor I felt GREAT. Sure I still had bad and sucky days, but I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week for the most part and I finished the last half of the school semester. School, gym, and work. Never thought I would see the day.

Quality of life is doing much much better than in the past. Depression creeps in every so often, when it does usually I can take a look at something I had done in the last 24 hours and pick out the cause. Chinese food and MSG, WAY over doing it with working too hard and not resting, under eating-depression guarantees for me. Every time without a fail.

Anxiety. Heres a word that I, at one point in my life, had no understanding of. No comprehension of the effects that this little disorder could have on somebody's life. I had no idea anxiety held the mold to completely reshape a persons life and personality into a form previously unknown. This anxiety thing isn't for sissies! I had no idea how anxious and on edge I was all the time until it disappeared...
Thats right. I dont think I have had anxiety in months now. After the last visit to my doctor the anxiety and unhinged stress slowly started melting away and releasing. Like a wound up rubber band slowly popping itself free until no tension was left.
Who remembers when thats all I had to talk about?
If anxiety does NOT return with the onset of the new school semester, I think we will have truly witnessed a miracle. Even if it does return, I don't think severity will ever reach what it once was. Looking back about two summers ago when it was in its peak, I think I should have seen a psychiatrist and gotten some strong medication or something. I dont think I even almost recognized how severe it was. OR how strong I was to resist it during that time. I am so thankful that God kept me strong and I never fell victim to feeling sorry for myself or giving up.

Work! I am still at the same office working the same job. During the summer I work full time, which my dear bank account is so grateful for. Come this very full semester of college next month, my bank will shed a few small tears when my hours cut back.
Some things even at work have changed, Ive become much more social and have had much more bonding time with my co workers. I love them to pieces.
Earlier this year the problematic coworkers that all of us were bothered by (11 employees, 2 problematic, not kidding when I say EVERYONE) are now GONE. They are still employed by they are working from a distance, out of our space and out of our way! They're happy not being in the office being social (one of the two has a social disorder and regularly ticked people off) and we are happy having the space back.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed my job. Some evenings I dont even want to go home, I actually think I rather be at work with my work family than with some of my friends from school. I must be growing into an adult LOL.

I go back to my Kansas doc in just a few weeks, two I think. I have already gotten my blood drawn for the lab work. Just waiting to fly out. I am still taking a crap ton of supplements and I pray that soon I will be able to reduce things, I am not on as many pills as I have been in the past but I am still choking down a fist full morning and night. I dont even ask that I have to discontinue them all. Just some. Pretty please
I have begun to slide down again on energy compared to what it was after my visit in March. I changed one of my adrenal supplements and it made a big difference and progress started coming back. I am looking forward to my upcoming visit, my baseline now is a mile higher than ever before. I have never gone into a week in Kansas, not anxious and in pain, never ever exercising, never working hard. Its almost always a downward spiral my doc has to pull me from.
The only symptom I would say is truly "returning" is my brain fog, which I have fought with and fought with for almost a decade. Again, if I could sleep am 8 hour night every night, my brain health would probably be out of this world. Sleep quality has gotten great, amount of hours is still rather lacking and not ideal. Ive noticed lately Ive been garbling my speech a lot more and I lose thoughts and sentences, so I know its coming time for a tune up again. I am glad this coming visit will be more of  strong jump start or maybe even a slingshot into feeling normal again, rather than my doctor pulling me up by the Grace of God from the pits of disrepair. He's going to be so shocked when he sees me next time.

I am still trying to push my fitness even though my energy has been waning a bit. I have gone to the gym twice this week. I am really trying to eat more, I haven't eaten a satisfactory quantity on a regular basis in years (probably the whole time I've been sick). Its time I quit starving myself and I make food a higher priority. I still don't enjoy food a whole lot or enjoy eating. I notice I can trick myself into eating a lot more at work when Im busy compared to when Im home doing other projects (read, I forget to eat at home). I have found a protein shake called Vega that I can tolerate, so I have been mixing it with some frozen fruit and ACV, creating what is now my breakfast and dinner. I learned protein shakes before bed drastically help my sleep quality. With these results, doing the shakes has become second nature. I mix them with fruits I like plus some kale or veggies, then heavily dilute with coconut milk to thin it out. If I make the smoothie very thick it will hurt my stomach, I still have to watch it with food. Hard to digest solid food makes my stomach feel full and painful for a while. MUCH better than it was in the past but it is still an issue. If I dilute my smoothies down and take digestive enzymes, the problem is better. Maybe my hunger (lack of) issue will be what begins to improve next time I go to my doctor.
My goal is to begin gaining weight, 6'4" and 136 or so LBS. Its time I look less anorexic and have more reserves. People who have a healthier body weight have a stronger immune system and are less likely to get sick. Thats mah goal here!
Since starting with the gym I have gained zero pounds since February. I took a look at my diet and realized how little I was eating (realized...again) and how lacking in protein it was. This week I started the Vega instead of the other vegan protein I was doing, the Vega is a bit higher in proteins. I still need to bring up the calories and nutrients as a whole. But this eating thing isn't easy. I have noticed a difference since I started doing protein shakes 1-2 times a day a month or two ago, my energy has become more consistent and holds out for longer.

In my more fun side of life, I bought a 74' Alfa Romeo Spider, it has become my baby. Its a cross between a project car and my own daily driving car. It was a solid driver. At first. I decided to drive the car to work one day, the thermostat stuck and overheating the engine...blowing the head gasket. This wasn't a bit deal, it was easy to fix this. While I had the engine torn apart I replaced a lot of other things while I was in there, thinking I was making my car more and more reliable (in theory I did). Well once the head gasket was replaced I took the car on some test drives around the neighborhood, honing in the carburetors and getting them adjusted (look, I know im supposed to be  millennial but I want to learn how this stuff works LOL). Aaaaaand a little 10mm nut came off a carb bracket, and went right into the engine. Thats bad. Whats worse, I did not realize that had happened. I eventually figured out the reason I couldn't adjust the carbs was because one cylinder had sucked in the nut and had become severely damaged in the head. I discovered this had happened when I took the spark plug out and saw the tip had been crushed, I knew this had to be bad. LONG story short. The head of the engine has been back and forth the the shop many times, with failed attempts to fix it. Now another head is being built for my car (I know most of my readers arent car people and this is just rocket science...BUT)and will hopefully be ready soon. Its taken about two months to get this far on this issue. The "new" head being built has taken almost a month to be refurbished from what it was, the shop hasn't been in what you call a hurry to get the job done. But if they do a good job, I can be patient. Im thankful it only hurt the head of the engine and didnt ruin the WHOLE engine. For this we are thankful.

I think this about brings everyone to where my life is now. Major symptoms-fatigue(could be worse), brain fog, insomnia, digestion.
Life problems-my car is broken.
But hey, all these issues are fixable and will be fixed in due time. Step by step progress gets made!

I missed blogging, truthfully I just havent sat down or really NEEDED to vent like I have in the past, but no that does not mean I will stop writing!

What Will 2019 Behold?

In A Search
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?

I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.

Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.

Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.

I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....

Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Almost Through November

Thanksgiving is over-Next up Christmas break!!
I am beginning to get very excited for my impending end of the semester! I *think* I finish the semester before the end of next week! Only a handful of assignments left! I just gotta treat my body right for a little bit longer. I only need another week and a half out of my brain before it can take a long break. Almost there.

I realized another milestone will be coming up next week, my trip to the new psychiatrist. In just over a week I may have some answers as to why my brain does the weird things it does. I am praying for a really great breakthrough. I hate to pray for bad news like that but...theres something wrong in there and if I am going to do something to make it better, I have to know what I am fighting with. I know there are some things I could be doing a better job at now, such as not cheating on my diet. But I eat so little and sometimes I just have to make myself eat something.
If the doctor can come up with something to help out my anxiety, depression, and brain fog-ill be a happy camper.

The last few days depression and anxiety haven't been so bad. Even today the brain fog wasn't so bad either. I burned through more homework assignments today in one day than I have in a long time, thats a good sign right ??
Of course things would improve right before going to see a new doctor lol.


In the morning I am going for IV vitamins and glutathione, its been a month or two since I have done any infusions. I saw my local doctor last week and she told me it would be a good idea to do another round.
My doctor here ran a full thyroid panel this time. I received the results today and passed with flying colors more less.
The doctor I work for told me I am showing some mild autoimmunity towards my thyroid. Normal range is <9 and my number was 12 (thyroid peroxidase I think it was). This could explain some of my fatigue.

In a few weeks I will be having a phone call follow up with my doctor in Kansas just to touch base with him and inform him of some of my recent happenings.

In other non health related news, this weekend could be a very exciting weekend for me. I just about have my project car back on the road. I have a bunch of parts coming in this week that may finish it off for me to get it back on the road (brakes being one!!!). I have SO patiently been working on this car since the second week of August (the week school started, ironic huh). If all goes well I may be able to drive my car to school one day!
I drove it around the neighborhood last week for the first time, man was that rewarding! It wasn't exactly normal feeling, certainly some more inspecting to do but hey almost there.

Safety Circle

Familiarity
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.

WHY??

I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.

I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.

Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready

Emotions All Around

Greetings! I have good things to report this weekend!
I am spending the weekend with my bestest friend at his college with him. I haven’t seen him in two months! And it’s been a hard painful two months! I’ve missed him so much. Being sick for years made me realize that most people aren’t worth being friends with. People have no compassion, no real life goals, they lose their faith in God and become lukewarm. They just become so plain bagel, achieving so little in their life. Those people are so hard to be friends with, they aren’t real.

But not my best friend. He’s a human being with goals he’s working his tail off to achieve, he has actual feelings, he strives to be the best he can he doesn’t just settle for whatever is easiest. That’s probably why him and I get along so well! We are both hard workers and real thinkers!

I head back home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I like his friends here and I like being with him here at his school. I’ve only been here a night and I feel more at home here, in a strange bed and a strange place, than I have ever felt in my own bed in my own house. It’s hard to explain because I don’t know why. Maybe I just hate being away from my friend.

I don’t know when I’ll get to see him after tomorrow. Maybe thanksgiving.
I’m laying in his bed right now waiting on him to get off work. I have a special surprise for him, tomorrow is the 11th anniversery of his moms death. They call it Grape Day because synthetic grape flavor was her favorite. In commemoration they consume grape things that she loved. One of these things is grape soda, which my friend hates but because of his mom, he loves it once a year. So tonight at midnight I’m going to surprise him with some grape soda.

He’s stressed and upset out of his mind this weekend. Memories are hitting him hard. If I could take the pain away I would. I wish I could. I don’t want to see him hurting so badly. His mom was an awesome woman, she did it all. She loved everyone. And my friend has a lot of her qualities, which draw him close to the memories of his mom. It amazes me to no end.

So if you could all keep him in your prayers this weekend. He’s got the biggest heart I know, so when it breaks like this-it breaks.
I wish I could stay longer to comfort him.
I almost feel wrong for leaving tomorrow but I have no choice....

Who Am I Now?

Who Am I?
I feel like I do nothing but struggle with my identity these days. Like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have so so many things I would like to do with my life, I want to go on adventures, I want to meet people, I want to take on more projects, I want to take more classes in school, and most of all I would like to rediscover my faith. Its been so long since I have felt or acted like my old self. I often wonder whether I have changed because of growth or changed because Ive been taken over by grief and anger.

I miss writing positive things. I get to miss that a little less today, because today I am going to be positive. Life sucks. People are mean and self centered. I do not think I have found anything that I can actually rely on long term. Car? Breaks eventually. House? Things leak, break, or even get destroyed. Friends? They leave or change, or I change, sometimes moving different directions in life. Family? Oh don't even get me started, next! Church? Again with the people...
Okay Okay im going to be positive now.
I haven't posted at all this month because I have been doing well. If I hadn't become so pessimistic I would even say I am doing great. Fear is what stops me from saying I am doing great. Im going to change that. I am slowly going to get rid of my fears.

I bought a new project car last month. A completely sad and worn out old car. This poor car, its older than I am. It has not been loved well in a long while. Its a pretty blue, 1989 Maserati. I know what you are thinking, Maserati? As in Ferrari's little brother? Those expensive sports cars that are never actually spotted in the wild? Yep, its one of those.
This little car is a 4 seater sedan with just over 72K miles on it. I bought it dead, for a good price. No start, no lights on the dash, completely dead. But me and the sad little blue car have bonded. I know what its like to be the hidden gem in the crowd that just needs some extra attention. This car was one of the fastest cars of the 80's, especially for a 4 door. Its a cute car, I have been giving it my attention. A lot. A whole lot. In fact I think this car has successfully taken over my life.
On my first day of ownership I fiddled the little car back to life. I did something during my switch jiggling that struck a chord in the old thing. It lit up again. Here I was sitting in my driveway, in the driver seat, watching the rain come down. I thought ok, lights came on, lets start it. It took several tries and lots of encouragement and it started up. I put it in gear and we set off on our first journey together. I drove the car down the driveway, around the cull de sac, and back down the driveway. I thought whew! It runs after all! My life working on this car just became easy. Keep in mind this is still day 1 back in August. I was very wrong. I went to start the little blue car up again later, didn't go so well this time. I tried and I tried, I just could not get a start. So under the hood I go...straight to the oil. What I see? milky oil. My little maserati has a blown head gasket. Good news is I bought the car for a deal, so head gasket set was figured into the price.
The car is still parked in the very spot I first parked it in when I found out she wasn't going to start again without major engine surgery.

I have worked extensively on the car. I have put an extreme amount of energy in the car. I managed to make myself proud at how hard Ive worked on this project. My energy has held up for the most part, I am in an energy lull now but its because of some sleep issues going on. I think I have put over 80 hours of labor into the car, possibly more.
I have been successful. I took the engine apart! Never done anything like that before in my life. But I did it! I took it apart, replaced many worn out bits. I have even got it resembled, it'll even start up! The car is still protesting me though, she cranks up ok, but the massive coolant leak spraying under the car dictates that I must turn the key back and pull it out. *sigh*
But Im close. Next time I have a full Saturday to dedicate to this project, I may just get to drive her farther than the mailbox.

Lyme, at one point in my life, would have never let me think about A. Buying a car. B. Buying a broken car. or C. Buying a very broken car that needed a top end engine rebuild. This is part of my success story. I know that without a doubt my body couldn't have done this two years ago. In less than 6 weeks I have disassembled and rebuild the top of the engine, myself. Its hard labor, it requires may brain to work hard and it requires my body to have energy. Things I tend to run low on.
I am proud. I am thankful. I am going forward. Life is becoming real again.

If the car caught fire tomorrow and burnt to a crisp, id be ok. I have more satisfaction in myself than I have had in a long time. This car and I are working on discovering our lives in motion again together.  Actually this car has had more down time than I have, according to carfax it was off the road and unregistered from 2001 to 2014. 13 years off the road, sitting somewhere. Thats a part of the story that I dont know unfortunately.
I know that with enough attention and fine tuning, this car will be a roaring beast again. Today may not be that day but so what? Im not going anywhere and it can't go anywhere, ill get it going. It'll be fast, it'll be strong.

I did not know I could enjoy hard labor so much. Ive always enjoyed working hard with projects but I do not think I have ever undertaken a task that is as physically, mentally, or as financially taxing as I have until recently. I love it, many days I hate it but its only because I become impatient, I am learning to enjoy the ride. Its so important to learn how to spot progress in life. My sister and I were talking today, both of us are doing psychology based majors in college. She was telling me about how  learning delayed gratification young in life can create for a much high chance of success and happiness later in life. I don't doubt that one bit, I would say the things that have brought me the most joy in life are the ones I have had to work and wait for.

I always remind myself that life is a battle worth fighting. Lyme is what taught me to fight. I may not get up and throw punches or roll some heads, but I can work myself through a stressful situation. I can find a solution, I can think creatively and outside of the box. Many people my age can't think outside of the box, they are only followers, not thinkers.
I still on a daily basis still feel like I am fighting with my soul. Tonight I just couldn't sleep, not a chance, none. Wide awake over here. I have a lot of inner turmoil. Anxiety is the name of the game, not sleeping is what rattles my brain. I have a long list of things I would like to do, but I am not really doing them. I am doing the car, yes. But its temporary. Im trying my best to bring up the courage to live on my own. On the days I feel human the thought is easy, the how, when, why, etc-easy. On the days that I have to look past my homework stack and car keys just to take up residence in my bed...not so encouraging for moving out.
I need to move out, I needed to about a year ago. I know it and I feel it. Unfortunately life just has not worked out for me to sow my own oats
Every time I think about how it would have been nice to have moved out, I look back. Looking back over this last year...gotta say, Ive seen so many blessings in being where I am.
One of my teachers from last semester and again this semester, has been one of the greatest encouragements. She has really taught me how to see myself. On the bad days I may not see myself in a good light but now I know how to look. Some days I can see a little more positive than I did before,
This teacher has really just been one of those great lights in my life.
I have had a few people over the last year like that. Not necessarily people in my personal life but teachers at school, people who have become my friends even though I never thought of them that way, people I meet through work. Even if I don't see what Im supposed to be doing with my life right now to bring the most satisfaction further down the road, I know I will be okay. Just because I can't see it today doesn't mean I won't see it tomorrow.
Thinking positive is something I am pushing myself to do more of. Every time im around positive people or I accomplish something that makes me happy I find I feel better. I dont mean an A on a test gives me energy and cures my insomnia. I mean I feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Right now my soul feels like it wants to jump out and go for a long, strenuous run. Of course that isn't possible, I just feel claustrophobic in my own body. Like my body is what is holding me back from doing what I want and need in my life. I know the day will come that I am able to utilize my body to its full potential rather than giving it careful attention just to maintain status quo.

Just because that day isn't today, so what?

Shower thoughts-April Flowers Bring May Showers Part 2

I wasn’t planning on writing a part two to this post, but turns out I have some more things that relate to the title.

It’s been raining here a lot lately and the flowers are blooming. My plum tree is growing plums for the first time, the grass is turning green again. Looks nice. Sounds nice. It all came with a surprise this year, severe allergies. The sniffles have come in full blown but that’s not the bad part. This time around I got a nasty case of fatigue and brain fog too. I’m back to being lost in the sky with diamonds. 

Sadly I don’t even know what to do for it. Stockpiles upon stock piles of supplements and meds, I don’t even know what to do about this. Unlike normal allergies, I have no relief. Usually when the seasonal allergies show up I stay inside, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. I’ll have no issue unless I spend too much time outside. I have almost wondered if I caught a bug, but I don’t feel sick and I’m not running a temperature. It doesn’t feel like regular allergies though *he says pretending like there is such thing as regular*

The flowers are blooming and the tissue industry is booming. Not cool! *sigh* life goes on, I’ll forget half this stuff from the brain fog anyway so I’m not sweating over this. I just gotta get through the last couple weeks of school before I crash. School is going well though, for that I count my blessings. 

Life has been frustrating lately.  I’m selling my Volvo, which is good and I’m excited. I feel like I have finally learned something out side of the Normal box for me. I expended a lot of energy I didn’t even know I had. All sorts of positives with this. School is about to end the semester and it looks like I’ve done well in all my classes. Again positive. 

So what gives?? Work hasn’t been too bad, not perfect but could be far worse.

Where is the enjoyment?? Why can’t I wake up and smile instead of wake up and say “oh crap I’m still here”. I have some very positive friends who smile a lot and their world always seems like cotton candy and rainbows even when it isn’t, it’s all in their mentality. I used to be able to smile through the worst of things and make it through stronger. Where’d that go?? I miss the me that did that, what’s confusing is I don’t even know when I stopped being like that.

So many things rattling my brain, but it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine.

*where did that hamster go....sigh*

Those are my two feet. I will stand on them.

I hope you all have had a great thanksgiving week! During this season we get time to spend with friends and family. It’s a shame that we have to wait for a holiday to be around our friends and family, but that just makes it all the more special.

I have had a better week this week which I am glad to report. I like to say something positive every so often, I hate feeling so negative all the time. I do not like negativity one bit. That’s something that I miss the most, being positive and looking forward. Hard days have only gotten harder. Fear has only dug deeper. Fear...fear has grown in me in more ways than I ever knew possible. I always have had faith that I will be okay one day, whether it be that I live a healthy life on earth or in heaven. Suffering isn’t forever and I have never doubted that. 

What I have learned is how many different types of mental suffering one could experience-all at once.  I have become so afraid of others judgement and opinions, I have become so paranoid of everything around every corner, paranoid that my friends are just being sympathetic towards my cause and they are just temporary, and most of all afraid that I will never get “me” back in one piece. I don’t like the idea of never exactly being myself again, I know that my body will be healthy again but I do fear that I will have “battle scars” I guess you could say. I used to feel like being sick had built me up in many ways. I have lost this feeling, I am sad to say. I feel like the events of this year have turned me bitter and pathetic. 

I don’t know where all of these thoughts came from. I don’t know when they started. I know I never purposely welcomed them in, but maybe I did by accident ? Sometimes I wish I did have a twin, someone right beside me every minute of the day who knew what I was supposed to be like and could see when something was turning south. I used to catch it, like oh no this ain’t right I need to be working on these thoughts and these emotions. Something broke in me and I lost that too. I lost my personal monitor for keeping up with what’s running through me. Seeing as I am a chronic insomniac I spend a significant amount of time awake at night thinking(I know that’s the worst time to think). Seeing as I sleep alone also means that all this thinking that leads to my fears and rampant emotions means no one is around to see that I am torturing myself by accident. My quiet time at night used to be spent reading and calming my mind. Oftentimes my reading would be other Lyme blogs, those are always so encouraging to read. Well, brain fog said no to reading for about the last eight months. So my quiet relaxing time has diminished and anxiety moved right on in and took its place. If anxiety had a face it’d be a smiling, greedy little devil. It just showed up one day and started stirring the trouble that it causes-also unwelcomed. 

This week I have tried to get back to calming my brain down a bit. Since I started skipping some of my meds every day my brain is starting to allow reading again. While this window of opportunity is open, I’m getting back to reading some old blogs that have traditionally been encouraging. So the one I’ve been flipping through is Ticks and Trust by Shannon Goertzen. Yesterday I sent this post to several friends of mine, who I share Lyme things with. It was recieved well, as you can imagine with fear and anxiety being an issue sharing personal things is something that I am wary about. The post just explains so well what I am feeling and what everyone with chronic Lyme probably feels. I can’t not share it, it’d be a disservice. Reading through Shannon’s blog has certainly helped me to gain some of my confidence back. It’s reminded me that I’m not just hurting and suffering, I’m fighting and digging in my heels. I may be out of sorts constantly, in pain, and foggy but I am fighting and I am winning. 

I am still here am I not?? I don’t have any reason to not be here anymore. This disease isn’t going to kill me, it doesn’t have my permsion to do that. I am not in that bad of shape, my brain isn’t itself whatsoever and my body is right behind it. I still work and I still go to school, I have never had to call in sick to work. Never. So I can’t be doing that bad. At least physically. 

I just have to keep digging in my heels and reminding myself of the things I have to be thankful for. When I first started going south earlier this year I quickly became thankful for what I had. This time of year, however, everyone is talking about what they are thankful for and that does my dusty mind some good at being grateful. It gives me excuses to tell people why I’m thankful and it also inspires me of what I have to be thankful for that I may not have noticed. Something else that comes with this season is time off from work and school that I can spend with my family and friends. So I have something new to be thankful for right now. My friends are my number 1 support system, they get me through the worst of days whether they even know it’s a bad day or not. Usually all that’s visible is how much I talk out loud, the worse I feel the quieter I am. Other than that it’s not always very visible that I’m floating south. 

I can say this also, since I started to rethink my school decisions for next year my depression has disappeared. Last week I decided maybe I should follow my best friend to school next year, him d I have talked about it and he seems to love the idea. Allowing myself to even think about going off to school and unleashing myself from the teather that Lyme has kept me on has been very freeing. I’d be with my best friend so I should be safe, he’s been with me sick before. Even so, by the time I would be leaving for school next year I should be out of this funk. Some of the stress that has been a contributing factor to the severity of my health decline is gone and will stay gone. So now I am in a recovery period of sorts. Stress isn’t what put me in decline, or at least as a whole. But it’s been a major contribution I believe. 

Naturally, thinking about following my friend and going off to school has sparked a couple dozen fears about the situation. #1 being that I am only going off to school because people will think I can’t let go of my friend. The school in question was actually my goal way back when I thought I would be  100% healthy when I entered college. So it would be like going back to an old dream, opening a box that I thought had long been closed and locked. Now the box has been opened and this time I have a best friend to go with it, I didn’t when this was my original plan. Actually I wouldn’t have ever met him most likely if I left for this school my first year of college. 

So I am trying to use these thoughts to encourage myself, if this is meant to be, that I am making a good choice. 

Like I said, since I started playing around with this my depression disappeared. Remnants still poke around, but I haven’t had any for real depression since. That was more than a week ago now. 

Fears of being judged are at an all time high but this too shall pass. I figured all I can do right now is apply to the school and wait. Either I’ll get in or a I won’t and that’ll be that.

I just keep on praying. I am praying for guidance and healing. I am praying for others that are suffering(Rebekah Miller and the Goertzen family among those), I am praying for my uninvited house guests-depression, anxiety, fear, and sadness to be banished without a trace
I have faith that all of these prayers will be answered, I don’t know how or when they will be answered. If I did I guess that would be a wish, not a prayer. I’m not much into the wishing business...now that’s something I don’t have faith in.

I am also praying that this week has inspired thankfulness to be in your heart this week. I have found many things to be thankful for that my issues have prevented me from seeing. Being around others of a like mind tends to make the old wheels turn and new thoughts appear!

Standing in an Empty Room Full of People

Have you ever been talking to someone and thought” wait, the person in front of me is talking and I haven’t heard a single word.” Or maybe felt that you just don’t connect with certain people. That’s what life with my new brain has been. It doesn’t matter who I’m around or where on this earth I am,  I feel totally alone. Like a dark black hole of sadness yet desperation. Who could feel alone with a dozen or more people around? Why is this even possible? Why can’t anyone help me?
This, this has become my reality. I can’t totally escape it. The last few days have actually been much better and less anxious for me, smiles and laughing have happened. While I am grateful for it all, why can’t this just end?

Yes I have a chronic disease called Lyme. Yes it does cause damage to my body and beat down my immune system allowing opportunistic infections into my system. I get that, it’s not fun and games and not for the faint of heart. But I was chosen to learn from the experience, cool great. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I wholly believe that. Hey I’ve been sick since January 26, 2011. Almost seven years ago and I’m still here, obviously I’ve done something right and I am here but by the grace of God. I’m not going to quit, I’m gonna fight. I’m gonna win. I may not win every single one of the battles that will be thrown at me but I will win the war. If I leave my house tomorrow and get hit by a bus, I won as far as I’m concerned. I never quit being me, I never quit being alive, if doesn’t matter if a bus or an illness kills me tomorrow-as long as I don’t choose to drop out of this fight I win.

Okay, now that I’ve said all that. Let’s be real.

Being sick is hard. Crying all the time is hard, trying to find positivity when the whole universe appears to be crashing down around you 24/7. No no, 24/7 isn’t an exaggeration, I have had many nightmares related to something to do with my health. Even then, some nights I don’t sleep. Again no exaggeration, full consciousness all night long and through the whole next day. It happens people
*and all the sick peolle say amen*

I have cried more tears than I ever felt possible. I have found more reasons to be afraid than I knew existed. I have felt more alone than ever, when I’m in a crowded room full of friends. I have taken more pills, supplements, oils, detox baths, you name it-with the end result being the world just crashing down faster. Why? Why can my body only find new ways to be unhappy and sick? All the time? I have done everything I can to fight and scratch just for a little bit more progress. At one point I was taking a supplement comparable to Xanax two or three times a day, in a high dose each time, just to function. The first dose was right after waking up, sometimes I didn’t even get that 5 seconds of twilight where the world was okay. It was straight to conciousness with a big fat side dish of depression and anxiety. This fortunately only last a few weeks, I found a homeopathic patch that calmed me down and I totally stopped the supplement. I have never reached normal, but I have gotten closer. I don’t even use the patch much these days, every so often I do pull the pack out of my nightstand and put one on. But even when I do, it’s not anywhere near what it was.
For this we praise Jesus. I’ve made it through the worst, I had faith I would make it. I still have faith that one day I will be 100% symptom free 24/7, especially in my sleep. God isn’t a magic genie, just because I prayed a request doesn’t mean I’m gonna get it right here right now.

Going through this has made me learn and appreciate even more, and I say even more very seriously, about what I’m life is important and what is optional. I learned early on in this disease that some things in life you need to enjoy to the fullest because the moment is unrepeatable and it really is worth something. Other things not so much, that shirt that may have been left on my floor and forgotten for a few weeks...no big deal. Believe it or not, a perfectly clean room, a perfect test score, a perfect exercise routine, scoring in sports-optional. It can all be replaced. You will always meet someone with a cleaner and more organized living space, you will meet someone with better test scores, and you can start exercising at any point in life and get gains worth bragging on. You just have to know what to do.
You will not ever be able to repeat learning to drive for the first time, personal conversations at 4:00am with your best friend, or that random person that came into your office and made your day that time. Those are the moments you have to fight for, you’ll always have a shirt to pickup off the floor. Best friends are few and far between. Family is few a far between. Pets that love you, few and far between.

Every so often, I’ll come home from school and my dog will be waiting for me on my bed. She doesn’t do it often but you know what? She’s not gonna be here forever and I won’t be going home and heading straight to my bedroom forever, I appreciate having a little surprise waiting for me. Like I said  it’s not often,  but it’s special to me.

Yet still, just me and the dog...no never. Try this on for size, me and the dog plus a black hole stopping me from being able to feel the moment that is happening. I consciously know what’s going on and know that I am living through a special moment, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel it. I pray to God that this black hole will shrink and disappear sooner rather than later. I am taking things for depression yes. Things are improving, yes. But...not there yet.

Sometimes my mind will find things for me to be upset about...other times life throws me a curve ball that just seems like more than I can handle. This coming weekend my best friend, the one I said deserves a medal, is taking another visit to a college he would like to go to next year. Said college is several states away...far out of my reach. It’s his dream to go to this college because he loves the programs they have to offer. This weekend he is going to be talking to someone about potential scholarship options so he can afford the school.
I hate it, I hate it with all the hate my tired body can muster. He has been my absolute best friend I have ever had, and he’s gonna leave me...
I barely see him now because of his school and work schedule, at the beginning of the summer he is going on a trip for a month, so the amount of time I get to spend with him has been very little and is projected to stay very little. Even text messages are few and far between. I hate it.
My best friend has never known me as a healthy person, I was doing well when I met him and he knew me for a few months before he found out about my illness. I want to actually do fun things with him as a healthy person, but if he leaves that won’t happen. No I don’t think he’s gonna replace me, but life changes and in a few years the two of us could be living totally different lives than we had now.
I have been trying my best to strive to be happy and healthy so I can do fun normal people things with my friend but it’s seemingly impossible. He’s probably seen me cry more than he’s seen me laugh, he’s the best support system I could ask for. But I grow weary of only throwing the negative things into his life...I don’t want to be his personal black hole. If he leaves, we may never get to do the things I dream about.

I have been going rounds with myself about this. I want him to go to school and enjoy it, if he has a dream school that’s in his near grasp-that’s great! I just can’t take the loss...I thought being sick for so long had made me a stronger person. It has, but the problem is now I am recognize the worth of the things I do have...so when I see one of these things disappear is devastating. Not everyone has a best friend to support them when they are sick. He gets it, none of my other friends get the whole sick thing. He makes life better and more fun, the pain shrinks and the smiles grow, that’s what my best friend can do. Not everyone gets one of these.

On top of that, my best friend has had a lot of struggles lately. A lot, so he’s not so perky and happy, or even much like himself right now...and seemingly hasn’t been for a while now. That worries me the most, something is always stressing him out and it’s never anything small potatoes. It’s taken a toll on him and I really hate to see that, he’s not like me, he doesn’t talk about it when something isn’t right. So it’s hard for me and his other friends to figure out what’s going on, which further scares me. I do not want to see him stress himself into depression because he just burned his system up. I think that’s part of why I am where I am right now, I stressed and burnt out some things.  It’s a big fear of mine to see one of my close friends live through what I’ve lived through. I know he will come around he’s got this, I just want to still be around when it happens and not several states away.
If he goes, I’ll be back to having no one who gets it...I won’t be friendless but I will be without my brother.

In this crowded room I stand, alone as always.