Long Hiatus

I Forgot
Ok so I am guilty of what many bloggers all do at some point in life. I forgot to sit down and write on my blog.
Ive been writing this blog for years, Im a bit shocked it was so easy for me to just disappear like that. E texted me this evening and asked me if it was a good thing that it has been 5 months since my last post. I had NO idea it had been that long! Not in the slightest. A whole lot of things have changed since February. Mostly for the better!

Okay so first things first. I finished another semester of school successfully. College Algebra included. That alone is a gift from God LOL.
I decided to do two summer classes this summer, Theories of Psych and Social Problems. Both have been rather fun and light classes to do during an online summer semester. I like the 1 class per month setup, im not so rushed to get things done. I just have my dedicated amount of time to spend on each class 6 days awake, but short amounts of time so I can actually ENJOY the class a little! I remember when reading was rocket science a few years ago.
Sitting down to read a book is still difficult, but for school I can do it.

Second! I went to see my Kansas Doc in March. WOW. Life has changed a lot since then. He started me on some new things for sleep which have made a significant difference in the quality of my sleep. We did the standard work up, I have it all written down and I will post specific details on it all soon.
My quality of life sky rocketed after this last visit to my doctor, like record breaking. Before I went to the clinic I was really starting to wear down again, feeling very flatline and tired. Not necessarily depressed or anxious, just run down. But I was going to the gym every so often and pushing myself, trying to get into the rhythm of exercising and exerting physical energy. My body had all forgotten what intentional exercise was after all these years, 13 years old was when all my formal exercise of any sort ended. Now I am 21 and I can do it again. Some days I can some days I can't, but what has made life different is the days that I can are out numbering the ones where I can't. I do still have limits, I am really pushing getting to bed earlier. I HAVE to recover and not over do it in my daily life if I want to be able to feel well and be able to exercise.
The first  two months after my March visit with my doctor I felt GREAT. Sure I still had bad and sucky days, but I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week for the most part and I finished the last half of the school semester. School, gym, and work. Never thought I would see the day.

Quality of life is doing much much better than in the past. Depression creeps in every so often, when it does usually I can take a look at something I had done in the last 24 hours and pick out the cause. Chinese food and MSG, WAY over doing it with working too hard and not resting, under eating-depression guarantees for me. Every time without a fail.

Anxiety. Heres a word that I, at one point in my life, had no understanding of. No comprehension of the effects that this little disorder could have on somebody's life. I had no idea anxiety held the mold to completely reshape a persons life and personality into a form previously unknown. This anxiety thing isn't for sissies! I had no idea how anxious and on edge I was all the time until it disappeared...
Thats right. I dont think I have had anxiety in months now. After the last visit to my doctor the anxiety and unhinged stress slowly started melting away and releasing. Like a wound up rubber band slowly popping itself free until no tension was left.
Who remembers when thats all I had to talk about?
If anxiety does NOT return with the onset of the new school semester, I think we will have truly witnessed a miracle. Even if it does return, I don't think severity will ever reach what it once was. Looking back about two summers ago when it was in its peak, I think I should have seen a psychiatrist and gotten some strong medication or something. I dont think I even almost recognized how severe it was. OR how strong I was to resist it during that time. I am so thankful that God kept me strong and I never fell victim to feeling sorry for myself or giving up.

Work! I am still at the same office working the same job. During the summer I work full time, which my dear bank account is so grateful for. Come this very full semester of college next month, my bank will shed a few small tears when my hours cut back.
Some things even at work have changed, Ive become much more social and have had much more bonding time with my co workers. I love them to pieces.
Earlier this year the problematic coworkers that all of us were bothered by (11 employees, 2 problematic, not kidding when I say EVERYONE) are now GONE. They are still employed by they are working from a distance, out of our space and out of our way! They're happy not being in the office being social (one of the two has a social disorder and regularly ticked people off) and we are happy having the space back.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed my job. Some evenings I dont even want to go home, I actually think I rather be at work with my work family than with some of my friends from school. I must be growing into an adult LOL.

I go back to my Kansas doc in just a few weeks, two I think. I have already gotten my blood drawn for the lab work. Just waiting to fly out. I am still taking a crap ton of supplements and I pray that soon I will be able to reduce things, I am not on as many pills as I have been in the past but I am still choking down a fist full morning and night. I dont even ask that I have to discontinue them all. Just some. Pretty please
I have begun to slide down again on energy compared to what it was after my visit in March. I changed one of my adrenal supplements and it made a big difference and progress started coming back. I am looking forward to my upcoming visit, my baseline now is a mile higher than ever before. I have never gone into a week in Kansas, not anxious and in pain, never ever exercising, never working hard. Its almost always a downward spiral my doc has to pull me from.
The only symptom I would say is truly "returning" is my brain fog, which I have fought with and fought with for almost a decade. Again, if I could sleep am 8 hour night every night, my brain health would probably be out of this world. Sleep quality has gotten great, amount of hours is still rather lacking and not ideal. Ive noticed lately Ive been garbling my speech a lot more and I lose thoughts and sentences, so I know its coming time for a tune up again. I am glad this coming visit will be more of  strong jump start or maybe even a slingshot into feeling normal again, rather than my doctor pulling me up by the Grace of God from the pits of disrepair. He's going to be so shocked when he sees me next time.

I am still trying to push my fitness even though my energy has been waning a bit. I have gone to the gym twice this week. I am really trying to eat more, I haven't eaten a satisfactory quantity on a regular basis in years (probably the whole time I've been sick). Its time I quit starving myself and I make food a higher priority. I still don't enjoy food a whole lot or enjoy eating. I notice I can trick myself into eating a lot more at work when Im busy compared to when Im home doing other projects (read, I forget to eat at home). I have found a protein shake called Vega that I can tolerate, so I have been mixing it with some frozen fruit and ACV, creating what is now my breakfast and dinner. I learned protein shakes before bed drastically help my sleep quality. With these results, doing the shakes has become second nature. I mix them with fruits I like plus some kale or veggies, then heavily dilute with coconut milk to thin it out. If I make the smoothie very thick it will hurt my stomach, I still have to watch it with food. Hard to digest solid food makes my stomach feel full and painful for a while. MUCH better than it was in the past but it is still an issue. If I dilute my smoothies down and take digestive enzymes, the problem is better. Maybe my hunger (lack of) issue will be what begins to improve next time I go to my doctor.
My goal is to begin gaining weight, 6'4" and 136 or so LBS. Its time I look less anorexic and have more reserves. People who have a healthier body weight have a stronger immune system and are less likely to get sick. Thats mah goal here!
Since starting with the gym I have gained zero pounds since February. I took a look at my diet and realized how little I was eating (realized...again) and how lacking in protein it was. This week I started the Vega instead of the other vegan protein I was doing, the Vega is a bit higher in proteins. I still need to bring up the calories and nutrients as a whole. But this eating thing isn't easy. I have noticed a difference since I started doing protein shakes 1-2 times a day a month or two ago, my energy has become more consistent and holds out for longer.

In my more fun side of life, I bought a 74' Alfa Romeo Spider, it has become my baby. Its a cross between a project car and my own daily driving car. It was a solid driver. At first. I decided to drive the car to work one day, the thermostat stuck and overheating the engine...blowing the head gasket. This wasn't a bit deal, it was easy to fix this. While I had the engine torn apart I replaced a lot of other things while I was in there, thinking I was making my car more and more reliable (in theory I did). Well once the head gasket was replaced I took the car on some test drives around the neighborhood, honing in the carburetors and getting them adjusted (look, I know im supposed to be  millennial but I want to learn how this stuff works LOL). Aaaaaand a little 10mm nut came off a carb bracket, and went right into the engine. Thats bad. Whats worse, I did not realize that had happened. I eventually figured out the reason I couldn't adjust the carbs was because one cylinder had sucked in the nut and had become severely damaged in the head. I discovered this had happened when I took the spark plug out and saw the tip had been crushed, I knew this had to be bad. LONG story short. The head of the engine has been back and forth the the shop many times, with failed attempts to fix it. Now another head is being built for my car (I know most of my readers arent car people and this is just rocket science...BUT)and will hopefully be ready soon. Its taken about two months to get this far on this issue. The "new" head being built has taken almost a month to be refurbished from what it was, the shop hasn't been in what you call a hurry to get the job done. But if they do a good job, I can be patient. Im thankful it only hurt the head of the engine and didnt ruin the WHOLE engine. For this we are thankful.

I think this about brings everyone to where my life is now. Major symptoms-fatigue(could be worse), brain fog, insomnia, digestion.
Life problems-my car is broken.
But hey, all these issues are fixable and will be fixed in due time. Step by step progress gets made!

I missed blogging, truthfully I just havent sat down or really NEEDED to vent like I have in the past, but no that does not mean I will stop writing!

What Will 2019 Behold?

In A Search
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?

I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.

Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.

Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.

I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....

Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Thankful for the Pain

In All Things
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.

I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.

I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.

I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.

I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.

Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)

Shower thoughts-April Flowers Bring May Showers Part 2

I wasn’t planning on writing a part two to this post, but turns out I have some more things that relate to the title.

It’s been raining here a lot lately and the flowers are blooming. My plum tree is growing plums for the first time, the grass is turning green again. Looks nice. Sounds nice. It all came with a surprise this year, severe allergies. The sniffles have come in full blown but that’s not the bad part. This time around I got a nasty case of fatigue and brain fog too. I’m back to being lost in the sky with diamonds. 

Sadly I don’t even know what to do for it. Stockpiles upon stock piles of supplements and meds, I don’t even know what to do about this. Unlike normal allergies, I have no relief. Usually when the seasonal allergies show up I stay inside, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. I’ll have no issue unless I spend too much time outside. I have almost wondered if I caught a bug, but I don’t feel sick and I’m not running a temperature. It doesn’t feel like regular allergies though *he says pretending like there is such thing as regular*

The flowers are blooming and the tissue industry is booming. Not cool! *sigh* life goes on, I’ll forget half this stuff from the brain fog anyway so I’m not sweating over this. I just gotta get through the last couple weeks of school before I crash. School is going well though, for that I count my blessings. 

Life has been frustrating lately.  I’m selling my Volvo, which is good and I’m excited. I feel like I have finally learned something out side of the Normal box for me. I expended a lot of energy I didn’t even know I had. All sorts of positives with this. School is about to end the semester and it looks like I’ve done well in all my classes. Again positive. 

So what gives?? Work hasn’t been too bad, not perfect but could be far worse.

Where is the enjoyment?? Why can’t I wake up and smile instead of wake up and say “oh crap I’m still here”. I have some very positive friends who smile a lot and their world always seems like cotton candy and rainbows even when it isn’t, it’s all in their mentality. I used to be able to smile through the worst of things and make it through stronger. Where’d that go?? I miss the me that did that, what’s confusing is I don’t even know when I stopped being like that.

So many things rattling my brain, but it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine.

*where did that hamster go....sigh*

Oh Where has my Hamster Gone?

Anyone seen my hamster running around? I think he jumped off the wheel and just wandered away. Long vacation perhaps?
Anyway, brain fog has been present lately but not the worst it has been. Sudden sadness that comes spontaneously has also been showing itself  whole lot more than I appreciate.
It can happen at work, school, home, or with friends. It doesn't matter to my brain what I am doing or who I am with.

What causes this? ugh. I know, its one of those things that just is what it is for the time being. It is just so difficult to deal with life when sadness creeps up on me making me feel like crying and hiding. It makes me paranoid of the people around me, friends or not. The paranoia that everyone around me dislikes me or pretends to tolerate me just to be nice, is a rather taxing emotion. I like to tell myself it is just paranoia, but sometimes I don't know.

Work has risen back onto the stress spectrum once again. Every time I think something in my life is returning to normal-boom-wrong I am. I have found myself sticking up for another coworker who is, in my opinion, not entirely being treated as she should. Due to the paranoia, I can't tell if I am right or not. On top of that I find myself doing other peoples work so things don't get piled up. Whats worse, the slackers in the office are family members to the bosses. Naturally.
It will be a temporary issue, either someone sets them straight or I hand in my two weeks notice and walk on out the door. Its the stress factor that bothers me and causes me issues, not the work itself. I have not had to do any ridiculous amount of work to pickup for the slackers. I have however found myself annoyed by their corner cutting. but because its their family....its a waste trying to get the laziness resolved.

Needless to say, I find myself uncomfortable at work when it used to be my second home. For me its a big deal to be uncomfortable, I feel shut down and my brain just doesn't function a whole lot. With all the issues going on in my head and body...I have to have that connection where I am.
Often times at work or school I feel like its just me, other people are around but almost in another dimension. I just float through it all until I find myself back at home, alone in my bed.

I wish I never needed or wanted to leave my room. Even being around the people I love I just don't feel the bond I used to have, why? I used to love work, I loved doing well in school, and I loved going out with my friends. That was kinda my life for a long time but now, where did it go?

Ughh.
My heart rate is beginning to rise again. I can feel it. My fingers feel swollen sometimes especially in the tips. And my fitbit says my average heart rate is higher than it was last week.
This hasn't even been a stressful week! I have felt fairly well. Only a few sad teary moments. I have actually had a fair bit of energy to play around with and on top of that, minimal pain. Thats huge for me to have energy.
Hm. One day this will all be resolved and my body will function well enough for me to be a so called normal human.
Anyway, for now-

Dear Mr.Hamster,
If you get this post could you come home? I miss you making all the gears in my brain turn. I need that in my life.
Love, your old hamster wheel.

And I'm off...

If anyone reading this post suffers from chronic disease, you will get everything im about to say. If you do not have a disease, just hold with me.

As you guys may know, learning to deal with chronic illness creates a new way of life. A patient must learn his limits, what's okay and what's just too over taxing. Here's a few examples-waking up in the morning, never open your eyes then proceed to stand up. A waiting period varying from 5 minutes to 45 minutes is needed to avoid possibly collapsing on the floor from low BP.
Thyroid hormone you see is what gives you your early morning energy first thing. Lyme disease however attacks your thyroid, making it dysfunctional. When the thyroid function dips, so will you.

Next-we've wokem up, blood pressure is now at a functioning level. We are standing up changing clothes, normal right? Well, no. Depending on the day we have joint, bone, and or muscle pain. Once clotures are changed, bodily fatigue is beginning.

And then after this processs we may want breakfast. Not always, sometimes the morning is just too blurry to eat. If we actually need to eat, something simple and small(but healthy, junk food causes it's own a symptoms) like an apple is all that is consumed. Maybe not even the whole apple depending on the day.

And that's a regular morning for someone like me. I wake up, lay there until I can get up, grab an apple, then go to work and smile.
Lately my joints rarely cause a problem, bones are fine, but muscles are tight and cold. So changing clothes is tiring to some degree.
I started stretching and exercising mildly, I have had tolerable improvement. I can't over do the exercise, been there done that. Never ends in my favor.
I started the mild exercise a three days ago I think, and today was notably harder than before to get down on the floor and expend energy.
I only do my routine for 5 minutes max.

Anyway, I think I got distracted.

Chronic illness changes what a person can do. I saw something recently, and it just triggered me.
I don't know of a better way of putting it, but it just hit me.

The post was a happy parent bragging about how amazing their kid is doing. Working and doing school am obnoxious amount of time and a 4.0gpa.
I'm sad the say the only thing I felt was depressed and sorry for myself. I feel like I have fought to the death for the energy I have to work and to get my not so great gpa.
I eat a special high nutrient diet with minimal chemicals and garbage, I have single handily kept the amazon supplements companies in business, and I have had to fight with adults since I was barely a teenager to even get recognition that I'm sick and need treatment.

I have the disease that leaves me looking almost normal and feeling like I'm physically dead.
I eat weird foods all the time and I look anorexic.

And this disease is surpassing breast cancer and HIV by longshots...
But none of us get recognized. None of us get treatment. The only people that care are the ones who have experienced it.

Feeling Off

Always Something!

I posted a few days ago about being depressed at night and that I have felt frustrated lately. Today is my addition to that post...

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment. Last night I didn't have the extreme depression that I had been experiencing, which is good. Buuut, I still just don't feel right. It's like I get to try out the normal other people get to have. A test drive. 

It's great while it lasts and I use my well days to the fullest extent, without over driving my system. But when it's all said and done-there's my old, worn out body in disguise pretending it's better. Why wellness doesn't stick is something that stays on my mind. I stay positive, I eat well, I follow the doctors orders, I know I really can do this! But there is a normal that I just cannot escape. 

I hate even calling what I experience "normal" because it's anything but that. Anyone else who experiences it will agree, I'm sure! When all is said and done, it just is what it is. I will follow the path I need to take. I will do what my doctor says and I will continue to treat my body well. In the end, time will be what it takes. It takes a strenuous amount of time to build something, rebuilding something(anything really) is just as much if not more of a challenge.

That's what chronic disease is, it just so happens my chronic disease is Lyme disease. 

Why is that important? I don't know. Bacteria can be killed and damage can be stopped, but we have no way to measure progress with an infection such as this. It's all clinical, an educated guess.

My symptoms are better than they have been the last several years. I say that in about every post it seems....but I still don't feel well all the time.

Tonight for instance, I have a weird, light headache. It's like slight pressure, not enough to hurt but just enough to annoy me. Then I have nausea. I can't eat too much at once and I can't drink to much at once, that is just way too overwhelming to my stomach. Is it Lyme doing this? I have no choice but to assume it is. 

There isn't anything to be done about it. I will get over it one day. I just have to keep working,

And working 

And working 

And working 

Anxiety Steming from...Where?

Today I have something to report that I don't mention often. In my last post I mentioned how my allergies have changed my mood and overall feeling lately. Today wasn't so bad, less allergy problems than the day before.

Something out of my ordinary did happen though. I had to go out and do some things, nothing strange or out of the ordinary, just a few errands.
But today, it was hard to leave the house and be around other people. Knowing I had to go out and speak to people while doing something slightly out of my routine, became stressful. I thought ok, I can do it. I am not doing anything hard, I just have to go to the Post Office and get some stamps and Mail a few things. People have been doing this for over a hundred years, it isn't hard.

Yet still I felt reserved and almost afraid. But I made it through the Post Office fine. I mean I do feel like I could have personally delivered everything I had to mail cheaper than that book of stamps was, but whose got time for that. Hah.

After buying stamps I had to go to the ATM. This should be fun, I'm gaining not losing money today-whose complaining! Well today, I guess I was. This kind of anxiety/reservation is rather out of the ordinary for me. The thought of driving up to the ATM and doing what I need to accomplish with a line of cars behind me watching my every move, was rather stress inducing.

When I actually made it to the ATM, and took a step out of my marathon running brain, it all went fine. Quick and easy. I was the only car at the bank until the last minute. It couldn't have gone any better I don't think. Still, on the drive home I was back in my head. Creating more stress and anxiety.

I felt nervous and afraid. Like I was totally powerless against everything, even though I had nothing to go up against. No reason for it, but even when I was back at home the feelings continued. My hands even started shaking. Not for long, but I was having tremors out of my usual.

Today was an unusual day, but it did get better before the day was over.

I cannot imagine what someone who has an anxiety disorder such as PANDAS has to live with on a dailey basis. The anxiety from an average day is taxing, but even more so on an extra stressful day experiencing something out of the ordinary routine...
Wow

Cats Claw and NAC

As of yesterday I have added yet more to my treatment regimen, cats claw and N-Acetyl-Cysteine.
I finished the POA phytolens a few days ago, which was TOA free cats claw from my ND. So as I said I would, I replaced it. This time around, I am using a liquid cats claw which I have never used before. Yesterday I took 14 drops then 28 drops later. Today I took the same, plus I will add a second round of 28 drops. I plan on building up to 28 drops 3x daily.

I am taking just one capsule of NAC, 500mg. I plan on sticking to this one daily dose for now.
ALA (which I am already taking) and NAC play hand in hand with eachother, both are used to make glutathione. I am hoping for the combo of ALA and NAC to be sufficient for removing heavy metals and detoxing my liver.

I finished the black walnut capsules on Sunday (Nov.22), I take this periodically to help keep any parasites at bay. I will probably take another bottle in February.
I didn't notice much if any symptom change from this, so I probably didn't have much of a parasite load.

I haven't been feeling as great lately. Not the usual fatigue, but other symptoms. For example, eating has been a struggle. I just haven't felt like eating, and I haven't been able to eat much. Today I had a juice and a nut bar before work, worked 10:00-6:00, then didn't eat until 7:30...just didn't feel like it.
This doesn't sound like much for most people, but I cannot afford to lose weight or nutrition. I don't think I absorb nutrients well, I used to eat more because I keep being told I need to. I am 6' 4", 130lbs! I should weigh about 180 if I remember correctly. The most I have every weighed was 138lbs, when I was on IV's and Doxy...almost 2 years ago...
That's crazy, I look anorexic, but I just cannot eat anymore...my stomach says no.
I try to make sure I drink homemade juice and a protein shake daily, that way I know I am at least getting some of the important nutrients, it just isn't the same as really eating though...

I have been more dizzy lately, definitely heart related. I can feel my BP drop or jump.
It happens at random times, like the other night I was laying in bed late at night, my BP just takes off. What the heck...
I don't want that to progress, its a tougher symptom to reverse...

I know a good bit of my symptoms are related to nutrition though, I just don't think my body can use nutrients well. I just cannot figure out why...

Busy Weekend!

Sorry I didn't really post over the weekend :/ I was super busy.

     Over the weekend I was out of town with some friends. Now that it is over, I am extremely tired...
During this trip I had about zero sleep. I was only gone two nights, so glad it wasn't more just for this reason!
The first night I stayed up the entire night, I probably dozed some but overall, I got up in the morning feeling the same as when I went to bed.
The second night I know I dozed some, no idea how much, I just know I did. Got up(notice I didn't say woke up) the second morning the same as the first. I stood up ad was just as awake as when I attempted to go to sleep.
This time, I know exactly why I am more tired than usual! I don't need to assume its associated with any of my particular infections. Not sure if that's good or not...but hey, its an answer, right?

    Overall the weekend was great, I didn't feel any worse than usual, even though I was awake for two days straight and had something to do the as soon as I got up right until I went to bed. That's a plus isn't it?
I had plenty of energy, I even helped push a dead car. Usually something like this would be very tiring for me, especially pushing something heavy like a car. Chronic illness absolutely kills muscle and endurance, making anything strenuous a thing of the past.
This wasn't even the most strenuous thing I did over the weekend, so I was rather impressed that I never felt worse!

     Because I was not at home, I couldn't take all of my supplements with me. The cinchona stayed home, so that was skipped for two days. I didn't feel worse, so it must not have been that detrimental.
I was already on break with the Artemisia, that I restarted today.
The only pills I took with me were Dopalift, black walnut, and FiveHTPThrive.
I wonder if the Dopalift helped me stay awake during the day? Its hard to say what is helping when I am taking so many things! That's one thing I don't care for about treating lyme, there is never just 1-2 things to take, it takes many supplements to kill off these bacteria!

Now that I am back home, away from other people, I can finally sleep! I was so tired this afternoon I fell asleep for about 30-45 minutes. I never do that. I crash in the afternoon if I am busy or stressed, but I never sleep. After this nap, I don't feel refreshed, I just feel the need for more! Ugh, the struggle.
Because I am so tired, I know this post has mistakes I missed, I apologize for that...

Until tomorrow, goodnight
Cinchona tea is calling me...