Fall Update 2020

 Happy October!

Well. I guess its pretty much November at this point, but either way I finally made it back to writing a post. 

In short, life is good! Ive tried to make that my catchphrase, cause now that I am on the other side, I can see that most "problems" aren't really problems. Little things can add up and make for a stressful day, yes, but its important to just move on when the day is over. Write it out, pray on it, keep swimming.

One of my friends has commented towards me several times that I am "fearless", from things that I see as little things that did not stress me out or bother me. I was with this friend recently, in his car, and we got hit by a deer at 10:30pm. I saw it, he didn't. My heart never even raced, I just turned to him and said "we hit a deer". He however, pretty flustered!

I think we all know I am not fearless, go back about a year or two's of posts and my fears are painted all over. But my coping and perspective on the world has expanded, and with my health becoming more "normal" my mind and my body match. I know today's problem, will not be tomorrow's problem.

I have noticed working with others with chronic disease, stress management is something they ignore time and time again. Whereas for me, stress management I think ended up being one of my pieces of treatment. 

Stress is terrible for the immune system. Remember that.

The Gym

I still hit it hard at the gym 4-5 times a week consistently! Just being able to do this still  makes me happy, because I couldn't exercise at all for a long portion of my life. Years. Now I can jump in and try new things. I am getting stronger. Weight gain is slow and mildly plateaued, that is one of my current projects I am working on breaking through. I eat more now than a year ago for sure, which is huge for me! I eat a ton more now than two years ago. While I am grateful, I must say, I still need to eat more. I should be eating 2300 cal a day minimum. I probably eat 1700 a day, maybe less some days. Which is better than the 800-1100 previous, but still gotta keep at it!

I have made enough progress at the gym now that friends notice and people can tell I am working on making my body stronger. Whenever someone says that they can see a difference, I know I am doing what I am supposed to and I am finally making visible, tangible progress on my body that the outside world can see. 

School

One month left and I will have my bachelors in psychology!! I could not be more excited. I made straight A's in my summer courses and received a letter from the school, I forget what they called it, but I made the next rank up above Deans List for the summer semester! I am SOOOOO close to doing that again one last time for my semester now. I think I can pull it off, but I still have some work to do. 

I have applied to grad school, just waiting on some responses! I have strongly considered doing my Masters in psychology as well as my doctorate in chiropractic. The amount of courses is a bit overwhelming to think about, but I think one day I will go through with it and have both degrees. Chiropractic is the first priority.

Life

I would say life is good, I am happy. I have bits of depression here and there but its always temporary. I still use the sauna and I eat healthy. I do morning smoothies with veggies, berries and protein almost every day! I did have a bout of anxiety a few weeks ago which was out of the blue, no particular reason that I know of but it just happened. I made sure I was conscious of my eating and sleeping, it passed on its own without any extra effort. When our bodies are treated right, issues can begin to solve themselves! As someone whose had to take a supplement or three for everything over the last...almost decade, I appreciate my body doing the work for me without the need for one more pill.

It is nice spending my week like a "normal" person, thinking about work, school, which friend or two will I get to spend time with, how much time will I have at the gym. I know I have written in the past about how I hated having to dedicate my life to pill taking, doctors visits, struggling with anxiety and OCD shaping my days. It is nice going to work and otherwise being able to use my time as I wish. 

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a solid friend group that I love and appreciate, work is going alright, I am about to finish my first degree, my body is functioning well! I count my blessings often, cause I know how bad life can be

Reflecting on The Waves

Reflecting on a Week of Changes
This week has been a unique time in my life. One, because some things in my work/personal life are changing. Two, because I am headed back to Kansas this weekend. Heading to Kansas is always a guarantee that my life will change, I go in feeling one way and come out on the other side feeling different (usually worn out). Then weeks and months later my life continues to change.

Ill start elaborating. Personal life-
An amazing coworker of mine, that is a cross between a mom and a best friend to me, is leaving our office to move to Virginia. This woman came in only a year ago, and cleaned house. She changed our entire work environment. She streamlined all of our systems, wrote protocols, held people accountable, increased business, and most importantly brought a smile to everyones face.
It is nothing short of a God send that this woman was placed in our office and our lives. She managed to remove all of the toxic personalities from our office and environment, so all this posts from the last two years or so about issues with coworkers-she solved six months ago. Thanks to her, I am able to go to work and enjoy it. My heart is back in it, life is good. I also gained confidence and value in myself, I have been shown how much I am worth to the business. I have held the position of professional multitasker for four years now, thanks to this woman my benefit has been recognized and I can see a higher value in myself in the office.
The amount of smiling patients that come into our office has increased, many came by today or this week to say goodbye We even had a surprise party earlier in the week and managed to surprise her, I was honored to be a big part of that. I like making sure people feel special, I think that day we all did a good job.
This person has actually been special enough to me, that today I gave her a link to this blog as a going away present. For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you know that this blog is a very secret safe haven of mine, that I have only given to a small handful of people. The first being a coworker last year, then E and one other girl friend of mine, and now this coworker. Thats only 4 people (unless I forgot someone).

Personal life Pt. 2
I have been thinking lately on how much my life has been on a continuously changing spin cycle for the last few years, especially since the strep infection in my brain. The anxiety and depression has subsided substantially since March. Looking back into October 2018, anxiety was hitting an all time high and I was collapsing. I was scared big time and answers were scarce. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, so many nights I was awake in bed praying that I could just stand up right out of my body and leave it behind. My body and I are on better speaking terms, it still has some catching up to do, but I thank God every day today for the body I have been given. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few years back I had zero understanding of anxiety, now I get it.

Ya know, they don't say you "get it" until you GET IT. Thankfully, I GET IT now. I understand.

Anxiety is a complete and total change in mental capacity and functions, immediately. Sometimes its triggered and sometimes its a surprise. Ive had a few minor surprises lately with it, but all very minor and all very related to staying up too late or not sleeping. A year ago I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, good day or bad. I wanted out. It didnt feel right.
Two years ago I remember having plenty of vegetable moments, all too often just being too tired to do much. Hobbies weren't in the picture. Depression was made, and anxiety showed up.
Three years ago, I was only a few months into treatment with my doctor, and that was my first taste of feeling human again. Depression was frequent but not severe, anxiety was very mild or maybe non existent (I would have to check my notes).
Six years ago, I had to take time off school because I just couldn't function.
Seven years ago I had to recognize that my life had changed, from an event the year prior, and I would have to recognize my new life style of feeling unwell all the time "for no reason". All sports were dropped and any activity I could live without was left to the dust and never thought of as a possibility. Life had changed and the future was a scary place.

The future is happening, life has been ever changing. More scary changes than I care to think about, but all the changes have led to the person I have become. In the last few months, since my last visit to Kansas, I have come to appreciate the man I am becoming. I am flawed, my body is faulty, things still scare me, sometimes I dont know what Im doing. But this is the life God gave me, it wasn't an accident, it all has a purpose for his glory. Ive made it this far, if I was doing something that wrong God would have taken me out of the picture. I will be here to serve my purpose until God decides my time has come.

Personal Life Pt. 3
I have removed a lot of toxic people from my life in the last few months. I used to fear that I was being antisocial, and that I should be conforming to other peoples quirks and habits otherwise I was doing something wrong. Now I am realizing that those behaviors put me in situations that allowed me to be walked on and taken advantage of, and a lot of those "friends" may serve me better from a distance rather than on my speed dial. Some of these friends have known me for  along time, they may come back around and this may be a temporary change, or it may be time to forget about them. My "best" friend that I used to mention on a frequent basis has been MIA from my life since February. One day he didn't text me back, and I never heard from him again. Very long story short, I sent him an email asking for forgiveness for whatever I may have done, and I apologized for some of my own faults that I knew bothered him. That was the end of that. Sending that email hurt, I had to pour a lot of emotion and thought into it and I knew in my heart that nothing would come of it physically. I knew no matter what I said, was he going to respond. God has given me very strong intuition in my life, sometimes I "just know". But I said my piece, I put it out there, I got it all of my  chest, I asked for forgiveness, I asked God to forgive me for my mistakes-known and unknown.
After this event my life began to clear in a way, I started getting him off my mind. It hurt. It burned. Intuition says its not over and come the end of this year I need to be prepared for something, what that is-I dont know. I just know I should take note of what my intuition said.
I removed 90% of the things that kept my life anchored to this person in anyway, which consisted of deleting pictures from my phone, texts, and taking of the friendship ring that he gave me. One day I will dump that last 10%, which will be when I delete all of the pictures and messages, throw the ring away (turns out it cost like $10 on eBay, I found where he bought it on the first search, he probably put very little thought into it and it probably isn't worth keeping in my drawer), and take the one last picture off my dresser. Its just hard for me to part with memories that during a hard part of my life, brought me a lot of joy and relief from some painful realities. I havent decided if its intuition telling me to hold onto these things a little longer, or just sentiment.

This isn't the only friend Ive had incidence with this year, probably the most dramatic. One "best" friend started dating another " best" friend, then the two of them starting treating myself and others rather poorly. Another "great" friend of mine started dating a new guy, then said new guy got a bit handsy with the girls cousin in the pool. "Great" friend says it didnt happen, cousin gets upset. Lo and Behold, house divided on a rather serious matter there. I voiced my opinion and stepped out of the picture. Anyway, ill stop there with the drama, drama doesn't need to seem like its being glorified.
This year, I realized how much healthier and happier I was when I didnt go out with friends or spend an evening with certain people. I noticed that I was happier stressing over car parts, than I was being caught in drama which began to seem endless. Maybe right now I am feeling a bit antisocial and I am being a bit snobby about what quality of people I want to spend my time around. I think it may be time I start treating my social life with a little more respect, even if it means staying home and not being social.

Lyme-
I guess I could mention a little bit about the topic that gave me the reason to write my blog. Life is going well in the disease department. Sleep has struggled painfully this week, but I have had a lot on my mind. I have had some extremely severe leg cramps all day everyday for the last several days which have made it painful to walk, I'm blaming this on working on my car. Fatigue and motivation are a bit of a struggle, probably related to sleeping.
If I could sleep well, and wake up early, then maintain a consistent schedule indefinitely, I think my symptoms would continuously improve. The one thing that  does remain a struggle is my personality, I still do not feel like im as "awake" as I was pre strep, sometimes it is still very difficult to talk. My brain just stays at flatline. I used to talk a lot more and joke around a lot and everyone thought I was hilarious (which is still there, but not at all like before. I used to keep track of my jokes I had so many). Its coming back, maybe after this coming visit to Kansas this will begin to take a large turn for the best. Im praying for my body as an entirety to heal and function properly (not just function "enough"), Im praying that my brain fog will be lifted, that I will feel completely like myself again and not just a "part" of myself that survived a war, and Im praying that I will be given the energy and stamina to feel GREAT after this coming week all the way through the school year (or further). Last time, my doctor told me I had near miraculous results with how quickly and significantly my test results improved for the better. I am praying that this will be gloriously repeated.

How am I doing on making up for the lost time I was in hiatus?? I told you, thoughts are in there!!

What Will 2019 Behold?

In A Search
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?

I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.

Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.

Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.

I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....

Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.

October Update 2018

Updates 10-15-18

Hey you guys, I know im staying rather quiet these days but I promise its because im staying busy and feeling well enough to stay busy!
It has been a long while since Ive given an actual update as to how I am doing. Ive written several (ok maybe dozens) of emotional posts about this and that and how my emotions seem to successfully screw things up. But those posts are a bit misleading as to how I am doing overall. Yes, emotions of mine do get in the way a lot. Yes I believe they stem from something with some chronic illness of mine, possibly lyme or possibly due to a strep infection. But no, I do actually live. I work 20-25 hours a week, I go to school full time, I have some hobbies that take up a fair bit of time and energy (this blog being one) and I have a social life. I try my absolute best to never find myself bored, I find that if I get bored ill just spiral into depression (even if just for a matter of hours). Depression is one of the most horrible things out there in my opinion, if going out with some friends, reading, working on my car, working, or even-dare I say it-homework...keep me far away from feeling depressed than so be it!

Symptoms as of 10-15-18
Insomnia-this one is pretty bad. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being worst, Im a 6 on a fantastic night, 9 on a horrible night, and about 8 on an average night. Sleep typically lasts from 3:00am-8:00am. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Usually said sleep is rather broken and contains periods of waking up or just dozing.
Pain-not so bad, but its there. If I stretch my pain, especially in my back, will improve.But sometimes i just hurt.
Dizziness-2 on a 0-10, Ive had very few days where dizziness has been an issue. Sometimes its nonexistent for days or weeks.
Brain fog-4 on a 0-10. Its still there on the daily but im doing well in school, so it can't be that bad.
Emotions-A good day they're about a 4. A bad day they can reach a full 10 which includes (but not limited to) crying, arguing in my mind, bits of anger, segregating myself from human kind, and complete inability to be productive.
Cough-I have developed this cough due to a cyst on my thyroid. Some days its not bad but other days my throat is sore and I cough hard for several minutes at a time. More on this at a later date.
Exercise-Still very hard. I feel like im left for dead if I ever do any exercise of substance even for a few minutes. I walk though and I am trying to make that a part of my daily routine. At one point in time I walked most weekdays and felt very well doing so (this was years ago), Im going to make this happen again. One of my long term goals is to be able to get back into doing some hardcore stretching and strength building. The one sport I ever participated in that I miss is gymnastics, I may be a bit old for that now but I could still do some things in the sport. Just to say I can do it.
Hallucinations- I haven't mentioned this one in a while but I think its safe to say this symptom is a full 0 and has been for a while.
Stomach pain and lack of appetite-7 out of 10, I can eat and its rare I actually have pain. But I just cannot eat enough food. I eat tiny portions and a slim number of meals. Some days I can eat plenty compared to my average but its still no where close to the calorie count I should be consuming. If I was one of those people who posted pics of their food on Instagram, they'd be more like monthly posts instead of weekly or daily LOL

This has become a much shorter list than it once was. I used to have a couple dozen symptoms, thankfully im down to just a few.
One thing that I have benefitted from keeping this blog is the record of the last few years of treatment. It can really put things into perspective on how things can change for the better.

I will one day be as strong physically as I am mentally. I like to think I am a strong fighter against chronic disease. I dont take things sitting down, just waiting for something magical to happen. I may not take anything lying down but I do take many things on my knees. I thank God for all that he has taught me over the last seven, close to eight, years now. I have learned many invaluable lessons and id like to think ive been able to help other people with what they go through. My faith is strong, I know that only my earthly body is affected by struggles. My spirit does get afflicted and the stress of it all does wear on ones heart after so long, but in the end neither Lyme, nor any other illness can kill my spirit. I will always have my relationship with Jesus. No sleepless night or extreme pain or starvation can take that away. There is a special peace in knowing that I will always have the Lord by my side. I know that I will one day be 100% healed, whether it be in my earthly home or when I go be with the Lord. I know that suffering is never forever, even when anxiety tries to tell me that it is.
I know that each prayer and each pill bottle completed is one step closer to full healing. There is no "magic number" to how many prayers are said or how many pills are taken, but whether we realize it or not one day we will pray "please heal my XYZ" or "please take away this pain" for the last time. Again, whether it be because healing was physical or spiritual, healing from the Lord is healing.
I am thankful for my illness and thankful for my suffering. I have never in the last seven years said-this was a mistake, I was never meant to get sick. Because I was, take it as you wish, but suffering is a part of this life. No one lives a pain free or illness free life. I personally believe that my illness was due to the Fall of Man in the Book of Genesis. Due to the sin of man, by choice, we will all be destined to a less than perfect life until Christ's return.
I will take the path I am given in stride. I will make mistakes, I will be negative, and I will get angry. But once I stop throwing my tantrum I will take ever measure that I can find to fight back against whatever the struggle may be.
What can I say, fighting is in my blood?

Here is my most recent picture of pill bottle empties-

Its been a while since I posted a pic, but for those of you who are new readers here. I save all of my empty pill bottles. I want to see how many bottles, capsules, and oz's of liquid it takes before I can say I DID IT! This collection is still growing. I like to think of all my empty bottles as proof of fighting. Each pill, one step closer to beating Lyme. I also view them as encouragement, I can look back and hold a pill bottle that I once needed for a symptom that left months or years ago and say-this battle was a success. Or I can look at how many bottles ive used for fighting a particular symptom and say-one step closer. I like tangible proof, I like the things I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands. Saving my bottles gives me a way of looking back, and viewing how ive changed things for the better going forward. They show that I didn't quit. If I had skipped out on treatment I wouldn't have any bottles and id sure have a whole lot more symptoms. Or worse, if I had given up on life altogether and quit in the most tragic of ways, there would be fewer bottles or even no bottles.

Id like to ask each one of you to pray for someone you know is in need. I always covet prayers from others, for healing, support, for a healthy body, and pray for encouragement. But maybe make it part of you're routine to pray for your friends and family who are going through some things in their life.

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them"
Matthew 18:20

Resolving the Situation

Guess what guys, only a few weeks before I go back to the Hansa Center! I am excited to go back and further my treatment. Each visit to the clinic has brought me to a better place physically and mentally. I still struggle with symptoms in between visits, so I will for sure be talking to my doctor about what to do. I will be treated for a week(5days) just like my last visit in April,

Anyway, I am glad to say this week has been so much better than last week. The last few weeks I haven't felt so hot, and I've had the gloom and doom thoughts. It all eventually manifested into another symptom, kidney pain. My kidneys began hurting again, at the same time all of my other symptoms skyrocketed.
When this occurred, it hit me-I can do something about this. Back around November my ND found I had a minor UTI, which manifested as side pain. They gave me a bag of herbs to make tea out of and it worked out well. My pain stopped after drinking the tea for a week.
So last week I made myself another batch of tea. I can't remember all of the ingredients, I know the tea contains marshmallow root and uva ursi. I made up the tea and drank 8oz twice a day. Hallelujah, a few days later I'm starting to feel my normal again. The doom and gloom disappeared, my skin even began clearing up.

Now after going through a pitcher of tea, I'm doing very well. The first three days of this week I spent over an hour outside laying in the sun. I know my vitamin D levels are low, it's been a while since I spent significant time outdoors. The heat will also help my joints, which are often cold.
I believe this has given me a little bit of an edge, since starting sun bathing my sugar cravings went away. It's not normal for me to crave junk food, but recently I have wanted more and more of the nasty foods. Maybe Candida is flairing.
I also have a small, quarter sized, yeast rash on my hip. So I suspect maybe my kidney infection/UTI (whatever it was) was yeast related. Just a thought.

Yesterday and today I exercised a little, it wasn't much but it sure made me happy. My body loves to reject any tiny physically straining, so a little weight lifting and stretching feels amazing when my body allows. My joins are less tight and cold and my back is more limber now, I love it.
In total I exercised 5-7 minutes both days, I pray this can become a regular part of my health routine.

I'm glad to have something positive to write for a change!!

My Life, the Past Five Years

Today I want to share with you all an excerpt from a recent school presentation. Most of this I have shared with my blog readers in the past, but here I go again.

My Life, the Past Five Years

Lyme disease is spread by insect bites, most commonly ticks but also fleas and mosquitos. Any tick borne pathogen can be spread to the host in less than a minute. It does not take a tick 24 hours or even several days to transmit a disease. The most common symptoms are migrating joint pain, headaches, dizziness, brain fog, and swelling. There’s a catch, most common is a very loose term. Lyme disease can mimic over 300 diseases and can imitate nearly every symptom known. Recently it has even been found to cause tumors, certain cancers, and 8 out of 10 Alzheimer’s cases. 

Lyme disease is a lifelong disease, it has no known cure. About 80-90% of patients never reach long term remission. The ones that do reach remission commonly have a port placed in their chest or PICC line in their arm, and receive intravenous antibiotics several days a week, multiple times a day. There are very few clinics that treat full blown chronic Lyme disease in the United States. Most doctors do not believe the disease exist, for reasons unknown.

 

To pursue remission and stop the damaging effects of Lyme disease, I traveled to Wichita, Kansas. I chose this clinic because it is the only clinic in the United States that utilizes only natural methods to heal the body, better than before contracting the disease. There is only one other clinic like this in the world, the Paracelsus Clinic in Switzerland. I have stayed at the clinic a total of three weeks this year and will return for another week in August. I have reached about an 80% improvement; it is expected for me to reach remission this year.

As a child with chronic disease I have had the opportunity to learn so much more than others. I now have a Master’s degree in using Google, I can find the health section at the library walking backwards with my eyes closed, I learned compassion and understanding, and most of all I learned the importance of faith.

At 13 I had to become my own doctor, because no one knew what was wrong with me. It was my own persistence and research that brought me to where I am today. After reading countless books, internet articles, and watching every video I could find on YouTube I came to the conclusion I would not use antibiotics as a long term treatment method. In the last five going on six years of research I have not found one case of Lyme that has been cured without damaging, lasting side effects from antibiotics.  On top of that it takes on average 3-5 years of intravenous antibiotics to bring chronic Lyme disease into remission.

No Lyme literate medical doctor will tell you this. Only looking at other people’s experience will you find this information.

Lyme disease is not a disease recognized by most doctors, not just in the United States but all over the world. Every Lyme patient has to search, ask around, and dig for that one doctor within reach that could possibly help them find relief.

One thing I learned for sure, without a doubt is patience. It took four years to find a doctor that had enough experience under his belt to not just relieve symptoms, but to bring me too remission-possibly to the point of cure. Time will tell.

Lyme disease has totally and completely changed my life. The last normal, scheduled, teenager program I was involved in for fun was Boy Scouts. I was the first in my patrol to reach the Rank of Eagle, I was the first to completely fill my sash. When I was 14, I had to quit that too because I no longer had the energy and focus to move further in the program. I have stayed a member and go to meetings whenever I am needed, but that’s all I do for them.

It took a long time to realize this, but my life experience truly is different than the standard. I have not missed out on anything; I have been given my own unique opportunity.

Any teenage male from the ages 12-18 can join the Boy Scouts and earn a Merit Badge. It’s a black and white process, fill out the paperwork and do the required activities-you just got yourself a badge. Having a chronic disease is anything but black and white. Every day is different; I do not know what I will be doing or what will even be able to do until the minute I do it. Even throughout the day things change, it’s normal to wake up sick, perk up at some point, crash, and then reach what seems to be a steady medium. This day is not a literal 24 hour day, 80% of Lyme patients are insomniacs, and this whole process could cycle for 36+ hours without ever sleeping.

Even on the worst days where I never left the bed or stayed up for two days in a row, I had my faith. I knew everything would be okay. God’s timing is perfect; it takes time to learn life lessons. They cannot be taught in school, because school is only a program, it cannot teach you the every up and down swing life can and will throw at you.

I would have never learned compassion for other people, suffering in ways that cannot be seen by those who have not had the experience themselves. I would never had seen how perfect Gods timing really is if I didn’t have a reason to look for it. Waking up feeling dead is quite the motivator to look!

I would never have seen the groups and droves of people with chronic illnesses that have no one to reach out to them. Most importantly of all, I would have never seen the reason to be the one to reach out, if I hadn’t been there myself.

 

When I wrote this for my presentation, my goal was to not show people that all suffering is worthless and horrible. Everything happens for a reason and through all things there is a lesson. If you can see the reason for your own life, you will always be able to pull yourself out of depression and you will always conquer you battles.