Hey you guys, I know im staying rather quiet these days but I promise its because im staying busy and feeling well enough to stay busy!
It has been a long while since Ive given an actual update as to how I am doing. Ive written several (ok maybe dozens) of emotional posts about this and that and how my emotions seem to successfully screw things up. But those posts are a bit misleading as to how I am doing overall. Yes, emotions of mine do get in the way a lot. Yes I believe they stem from something with some chronic illness of mine, possibly lyme or possibly due to a strep infection. But no, I do actually live. I work 20-25 hours a week, I go to school full time, I have some hobbies that take up a fair bit of time and energy (this blog being one) and I have a social life. I try my absolute best to never find myself bored, I find that if I get bored ill just spiral into depression (even if just for a matter of hours). Depression is one of the most horrible things out there in my opinion, if going out with some friends, reading, working on my car, working, or even-dare I say it-homework...keep me far away from feeling depressed than so be it!
Symptoms as of 10-15-18
Insomnia-this one is pretty bad. On a 0-10 scale, 10 being worst, Im a 6 on a fantastic night, 9 on a horrible night, and about 8 on an average night. Sleep typically lasts from 3:00am-8:00am. Sometimes more and sometimes less. Usually said sleep is rather broken and contains periods of waking up or just dozing.
Pain-not so bad, but its there. If I stretch my pain, especially in my back, will improve.But sometimes i just hurt.
Dizziness-2 on a 0-10, Ive had very few days where dizziness has been an issue. Sometimes its nonexistent for days or weeks.
Brain fog-4 on a 0-10. Its still there on the daily but im doing well in school, so it can't be that bad.
Emotions-A good day they're about a 4. A bad day they can reach a full 10 which includes (but not limited to) crying, arguing in my mind, bits of anger, segregating myself from human kind, and complete inability to be productive.
Cough-I have developed this cough due to a cyst on my thyroid. Some days its not bad but other days my throat is sore and I cough hard for several minutes at a time. More on this at a later date.
Exercise-Still very hard. I feel like im left for dead if I ever do any exercise of substance even for a few minutes. I walk though and I am trying to make that a part of my daily routine. At one point in time I walked most weekdays and felt very well doing so (this was years ago), Im going to make this happen again. One of my long term goals is to be able to get back into doing some hardcore stretching and strength building. The one sport I ever participated in that I miss is gymnastics, I may be a bit old for that now but I could still do some things in the sport. Just to say I can do it.
Hallucinations- I haven't mentioned this one in a while but I think its safe to say this symptom is a full 0 and has been for a while.
Stomach pain and lack of appetite-7 out of 10, I can eat and its rare I actually have pain. But I just cannot eat enough food. I eat tiny portions and a slim number of meals. Some days I can eat plenty compared to my average but its still no where close to the calorie count I should be consuming. If I was one of those people who posted pics of their food on Instagram, they'd be more like monthly posts instead of weekly or daily LOL
This has become a much shorter list than it once was. I used to have a couple dozen symptoms, thankfully im down to just a few.
One thing that I have benefitted from keeping this blog is the record of the last few years of treatment. It can really put things into perspective on how things can change for the better.
I will one day be as strong physically as I am mentally. I like to think I am a strong fighter against chronic disease. I dont take things sitting down, just waiting for something magical to happen. I may not take anything lying down but I do take many things on my knees. I thank God for all that he has taught me over the last seven, close to eight, years now. I have learned many invaluable lessons and id like to think ive been able to help other people with what they go through. My faith is strong, I know that only my earthly body is affected by struggles. My spirit does get afflicted and the stress of it all does wear on ones heart after so long, but in the end neither Lyme, nor any other illness can kill my spirit. I will always have my relationship with Jesus. No sleepless night or extreme pain or starvation can take that away. There is a special peace in knowing that I will always have the Lord by my side. I know that I will one day be 100% healed, whether it be in my earthly home or when I go be with the Lord. I know that suffering is never forever, even when anxiety tries to tell me that it is.
I know that each prayer and each pill bottle completed is one step closer to full healing. There is no "magic number" to how many prayers are said or how many pills are taken, but whether we realize it or not one day we will pray "please heal my XYZ" or "please take away this pain" for the last time. Again, whether it be because healing was physical or spiritual, healing from the Lord is healing.
I am thankful for my illness and thankful for my suffering. I have never in the last seven years said-this was a mistake, I was never meant to get sick. Because I was, take it as you wish, but suffering is a part of this life. No one lives a pain free or illness free life. I personally believe that my illness was due to the Fall of Man in the Book of Genesis. Due to the sin of man, by choice, we will all be destined to a less than perfect life until Christ's return.
I will take the path I am given in stride. I will make mistakes, I will be negative, and I will get angry. But once I stop throwing my tantrum I will take ever measure that I can find to fight back against whatever the struggle may be.
What can I say, fighting is in my blood?
Here is my most recent picture of pill bottle empties-
Its been a while since I posted a pic, but for those of you who are new readers here. I save all of my empty pill bottles. I want to see how many bottles, capsules, and oz's of liquid it takes before I can say I DID IT! This collection is still growing. I like to think of all my empty bottles as proof of fighting. Each pill, one step closer to beating Lyme. I also view them as encouragement, I can look back and hold a pill bottle that I once needed for a symptom that left months or years ago and say-this battle was a success. Or I can look at how many bottles ive used for fighting a particular symptom and say-one step closer. I like tangible proof, I like the things I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands. Saving my bottles gives me a way of looking back, and viewing how ive changed things for the better going forward. They show that I didn't quit. If I had skipped out on treatment I wouldn't have any bottles and id sure have a whole lot more symptoms. Or worse, if I had given up on life altogether and quit in the most tragic of ways, there would be fewer bottles or even no bottles.
Id like to ask each one of you to pray for someone you know is in need. I always covet prayers from others, for healing, support, for a healthy body, and pray for encouragement. But maybe make it part of you're routine to pray for your friends and family who are going through some things in their life.
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them"
Matthew 18:20
