Emotional Floods

Long Week
I love the holidays and I love getting to see everyone at Christmas, friends come home from school and I get to see some family.
Always great.
Except when Im worn out. Which happens. A lot. On top of being worn out, I have managed to have the sniffles and a sore throat all week. Which further depletes my limited energy.
When im worn out I loose all hope of enjoying whatever it was that I had planned. I get caught up in my head and I drown in my thoughts. My thoughts just spin like a whirlpool. That usually ends in my emotions getting the best of me and me spending my night with some tears on my pillow.
Tonight has been one of those nights.
Last night my best friend spent the night with me and it was SO SO nice having him back. I didnt have to sleep alone and I had someone fun around to keep my spirits up. I didnt feel so lonely even though I was terribly drained and didnt feel like doing anything but laying down. He helped me with my car, having him help was amazing. We did in a few hours what would take me at least a week to do. One stress off my plate and it was fun having an assistant.

But in the end I was an emotional mess. When it was closer for him to leave I started crying and pouring out emotions. He was there for me the best he could, part of it was that I missed him and part of it was I was disappointed that we didnt do more fun things because I felt crumby (to say it mildly). I love it when he spends the night and we stay up half the night watching movies and playing games, this visit was a bit more on the mild side and I was spacey for most of it.
After he left I walked back into the house and cried again. It was just too many emotions for my tired body.
Christmas and christmas eve were similar. Had lots of fun doing things with friends and family but at the same time I wanted to be at home in bed crying. I wanted to be enjoying the traditional games at my friends house, but I just couldn't get into it.
Then I get upset for not being able to enjoy things. I want too so bad. Its just so frustrating that I always feel like Im looking through a snow globe at the outside world. I want to jump in and join and be a part of the fun and games.
Not sit on the sidelines staring off into space.

E has been great talking to this week. He called me the evening of Christmas day and we talked for over two hours. Because I was laying in my bed, in my quiet safe place, it was easy. I didnt enjoy it like a normal person would but its okay because he has the same feelings I do. The things he enjoys, really isn't the same. Things are more...pleasant or nice...not exciting or joyful, sometimes its better to be doing an activity than twiddling our thumbs in the corner, even if we dont really feel the effects of it.
When im in my safe place like that though, I feel more at ease and its easier to get enjoyment out of things.

Im planning on going to church tomorrow, ive gotten really really bad at actually going to church anymore. Its a push to even do that. My best friend will be there, and another good friend whom I love needs a ride to church so I am picking him up beforehand , its good for me. I just wish I had the energy and stamina to enjoy it. and the brain to remember whatever the pastor speaks on.

It amazes me how one week I can be doing 85-95% normal and the next week feel like im dying. I wish some of these new supplements would kick in a little more. but the dr told me it could take 6 weeks or so...(i think. idk i can't remember)

Beginning Therapy

Therapy
Well you guys, today was the day. The day I was never intending to happen. The day that has been on my mind since last September. I have never wanted to see a therapist. I have always been afraid a therapist would tell me that all of my problems are in my head or they are my fault. The last thing I can deal with right now is someone else telling me to get my crap together and pick myself up by my bootstraps. Been there, tried that.

I think that...I am glad to say...it went well...
Today was visit number 2. Last week was intake, I met a man named Jeff who asked me questions on my medical history and explained the whole counseling process to me. Then today, I met with Jeff again. He asked me more on my medical history so I explained more to him on how I have fought with lyme and the trauma that has come about from it. We also talked about family history and my childhood. It was a lot but in a good way.
Jeff asked me a bunch of questions, ending in me talking. A lot. Today we focused the most on the initial trauma of becoming ill and how I was raised. It wasn't terribly hard to talk about like it can be. I think now that I've gotten to meet the guy I am getting more comfortable talking to him. But on the other hand today was a fairly good day, which I also mentioned to him. It just feels so strange to me to tell all of my personal life to someone who is a complete stranger. I don't even tell my friends some of this stuff and I know them...so to pour out any imagine-able detail about my life to this guy sitting in a chair with a sheet of paper...new experience to say the least....

It went well though. I felt no worse when I left than when I walked in, so it couldn't have been that bad. He didn't call me crazy or say anything offensive. I didn't really expect him too, but it is a fear of course. I don't know though, its still a peculiar environment for me. So far its just been me explaining my life to him, something tell me thats how its going to be for a while...I usually have a lot to say.
At the end of the session he asked what I was looking for in a counselor, I told him I was looking for someone who understood what it was like to be sick all the time. Someone who understands the things that healthy people don't understand.
he said they do not have anyone who specializes in sickness or anyone particular he thought was exactly what I was looking for, so he offered to be my therapist. Of course I said yes, so we will see how things go with my new therapist Jeff. I do have the freedom to request a new counselor at any point, that makes me feel more comfortable just in case something happens.

The Mental Breakdown
So that was my day today. Today and the last several days have not been too bad....last Friday though-not so great.
Last week was a tad rough at work. I didn't think it was all that bad until I reached the end of the week and I realized something, I felt like death. I wasn't functioning well at work at all. One of the people I was working with even looked over and asked me if I was alright. On bad days I try my best to hide how I feel at work, I don't want anyone to worry about me or think Im complaining. When someone notices Im not myself, I know I have reached the point of feeling much worse than I even realize.
Friday that held true. The further through the day I crawled the less I wanted to do anything. Friday evening came around and I just started to loose it. Physically I was feeling just mildly sick, mentally I shattered. I had friends over (thats all I remember, I don't remember what friends or what we did) at my house, I was barely present for that. When they left I made it to the shower and just bawled my eyes out. My brain was racing with negative thoughts. I couldn't think of anything that made me happy. It didn't matter what crossed my mind it caused me upset and frustration. I didn't know who to turn to, in fact this time I don't think i turned to anyone. I just took some medication and turned on some music. That was all I felt like doing....I hate feeling like that. On the nights that I feel entirely worthless and a waste of space I feel like I undo every bit of positive thinking and a happy moments that I have struggled to create.
I keep telling myself that I or someone will find a solution to help me feel human again. I want to be me all the time, not just sometime or on rare occasions.
Im blaming work stress for breaking my mind to shards this time. This week at work I decided to take a new approach, the "I don't care because I can quit at any time" approach. Maybe its working.
Today I have without a doubt a couple of things running through my mind that have distracted me from feeling like myself. Its not severe..I just hope it stays that way.
My summer class starts tomorrow, I hope its easy enough to not stress me out but hard enough to keep my mind on track.

Until next time...