Rough and Shaky

Pull it Together
Another rough day today. I think I wanted to jump right out of my skin, just right on out of it. I slept in late on purpose to get as much rest as possible. I woke up the same as I went to bed last night. I didn’t want to deal with it, I hate feeling sad and lonely. Once I got moving for real this morning I went straight to doing homework, I had to do something to keep my brain distracted. It took a while before I could muster up the real energy I needed to get moving and get out of bed for more than a few minutes. Once the homework was out of the way I still had to keep moving for survival. So I took my Volvo on an adventure. I got my haircut, had the emissions checked (PASSED!), and then we returned home.
The whole rest of the afternoon consisted of me taking apart the Volvo and working on some things. I didn’t have the energy to be outside all day but I made it happen. I tried to stopping and coming inside but I was only inside a few minutes before I realized I couldn’t stop. I needed to have something to distract my mind and keep my hands working. In other words I needed to burn every bit of energy in my system so my brain had no more to run wild with. Working on the car works for me right now because I can physically do the work it needs but it requires a little concentration and brain power which keeps me in a slightly better place than I would be otherwise. Hey it even gets me outside too, during the winter time I am an inside being. I don’t do the cold. Not at all. So for now this system works,

I had some friends over this evening, also to keep me distracted after dark when I could no longer burn energy with the car(it’s really not that broken). We played clue. I don’t play board games often, turns out those require focus and brain power with a side of memory. Dang, fresh out of those.
I am probably one of the worst people to play with, or at least in this current state. In Clue you have to remember the other players characters names....yea I can’t do that. Mr green, Sargent plum, orchids, I don’t know but every time I had to take my turn and pretend I knew what was happening I would look at the friend I wanted to accuse and say-so who are you?
It really was fun to play, but it made me feel lost and stupid. I accomplished my goal of not being alone and socializing while also keeping my brain distracted. I enjoyed it. I promise. I think..I don’t remember much of what happened, I was a space cadet. Lost in space searching my brain for a place not infected with cobwebs.
While everyone else was playing the game or talking I was trying to figure it who was who.

Eventually the games ended and we only had one other person here. It was nice, I was tired but I had someone to socialize with for a little bit until I was ready to check in for the night.
None of my close friends came, it was more so my sisters crowd. Nothing wrong with that but when all my friends had something else to do it made me self conscious a bit. I have the paranoia of why can’t I be the one they are busy with? Why am I always the one searching out for one of my friends, never the one that gets chosen. In other words, I’m the first to be needed if someone wants something but last to be picked for a get together. I may even be wrong and I can’t see it, I know I’m paranoid. These are some of the thoughts that haunt me.

Last week my doctor told me I was one of his difficult cases. At the clinic I see people with canes, walkers, and wheelchairs-those are supposed to be the difficult ones. I can walk, I work part time, school full time, have a social life, and have two semi demanding hobbies. I am not perfect and awesome at all of these things, my energy does waver and my progress with these things can suffer. But I don’t consider myself one of the more difficult ones. It was just a tad unsettling, I’ve been in treatment for years and I can see how some people are way better than I am at this point. My symptoms are just very clingy, I have never had a perfect 0 on the pain scale of a perfect 10 on the energy scale, it just doesn’t happen for me. I just suck at sitting down and not being productive, I have to keep swimming or I feel useless.
I am hoping that this last visit to the clinic will be a big turnaround. It always takes me a few days to recover from traveling home from the clinic and starting the new remedies. I know I am in the beginning of the detox period where I’ll feel funky for a while then one day I’ll wake up and feel like a cloud was lifted. I just have to wait for that day.

I know I am making progress. I see it in my bloodwork and in my skin even. I’ve been told I look better than I used to.
Before started at the clinic two years ago my skin had started taking on a pale purple complexion. Those days are gone. My face looks human again, some days I don’t even have big purple circle under my eyes. I know these all mean positive things and my face does usually reflect how I feel. Unfortunately very few people actually pay much attention to how I look. People notice that I didn’t brush my hair but rarely does anyone notice I’m pale or zoned out. Funny how that is....vanity is obvious but whose going to notice if I’m present in the moment.

I have officially rambled for a whole post. I think I’ve been typing for 45 minutes now....I don’t even remember what I started this post off with. Another goal accomplished, I think I have finally burned my energy candle for the day and I can go to sleep
*sigh*