Higher Purpose

 I Want To Share

What helped me through my journey. In the lyme community as a whole, there is a collective feeling of being trapped. Lyme patients, in my opinion, often do not get their health back 100%. I know I was discouraged along the way by fellow lyme patients. Why? To cope? I do not know. Treatment is expensive no matter what route one takes. Some people cannot get better because they cannot afford the stockpile of meds. I remember being told "you may get better, but lyme will always be there causing problems at least a little bit. You cannot get over it."

I hated being told that, I was told that by someone whose opinion I did value. This person is the one who clued me off as to what lyme was, before them I had never heard of lyme disease (what a time in my life to remember!). They taught me a lot, they pushed me in the direction of reading and research. She told me about Cure Unknown by Pamela Weintraub, I *think* that was the first, if not at least one of the first books I ever opened that covered the topic of what is called Lyme Disease. I jumped in and read further, I read more books, I read some books more than once. I became a young adult who was now informed and well developed in their opinion on tick borne illnesses. Somewhere on here I have written specifically on what books I have read and what I thought about them, truth is, if you are not researching on your own to understand how lyme and its treatment works, you could be setting yourself up for failure. Being a nerd saved me, or so I think!

The mentality that I hope I have shared on my blog over the years, I hope, has conveyed positivity and perseverance. Anyone can chose to quit trying and stop searching for the next answer. Anyone can give up their hope. Anyone can lose their faith in God, that everything happens for a reason. 

It takes a stronger person to take on the fighter mentality of I cannot quit. At some point, during the sucking and the suffering and the absolute terror that chronic disease had caused me I realized-I will only ever have one human body. One. I may not can choose what events happen, such as contracting an illness or injury. But I can and should actively make choices, mindful thought-out choices, on how I am going to treat my body. I choose what I put into it. I choose what I put it through. I make choices on what time I wake up and what time I go to sleep. All of these things can make or break a treatment protocol of any kind.

If you want to continuously have pain, continuously have fatigue, just skip out on sleeping. Even if you are an insomniac-get in bed. Turn the lights off. Put on relaxing music or a video to listen to (not watch. no screen!). Weeks/months/years down the road when the neurological burden is reduced, normalized sleep will return. On a sleepless night this whole no tv or light thing is stupid boring. Yes. But training our brains for the correct sleeping pattern is beneficial because one day, our body will listen.

Diet. Everyones favorite four letter word. I followed the 80/20 rule for the most part. Some times I had to be more strict, other times I broke loose. 80% good, healthy, anti-inflammatory foods. 20% less than ideal dietary choices. Remember, results aren't instant. Waiting to feel results could take more than an extended amount of time.

Finally I would like to add-patience. Pray. Hold on tight. Some people get better, some people don't, its just the nature of the beast-but I believe with proper treatment everyone can make progress. 

Its easy to take a pill or few a couple times a day, it's easy because it does not take a significant amount of thought space to plan out taking the pills as compared to planning healthy meals, planning to be in bed, planning to exercise (then come up with what exercise to do). The more thought space something takes, the less time we really want to dedicate to it, as chronic illness patients, sometimes we have no thought space to spend. It is hard and we all fail somewhere along the way. What counts is the process of making a choices on how to react to our failure. Choosing is the operative word here.

Writing

I write to share my experience because it can be hard to find hope in the world. I believe that we live in a fallen world that is only degrading further. I do not believe that a magic pill is going to pop up to cure chronic lyme disease. I would love to be wrong, it could happen. But do not wait on someone else to solve the problem. 

I have drawn much of my hope from other lyme sufferers and I believe that it is my duty to share my experience for those who are still trapped in the dark ball of feeling like death incarnate. Yolanda Hadid is probably one of my favorite Lyme advocates. Her book, Believe Me, is the greatest illustration of what a person with chronic Lyme struggles with. She details that money was not her answer, she had much more financial resources than 99% of people with chronic disease and she still suffered for over a decade. Her mentality is something that, in my opinion, is unmatched by the average person suffering with a disease. She was not the victim, she did not quit, she did not give up. Perseverance kept her going, her children kept her going, she found the things she needed to make her life what she wanted despite severe physical suffering. That is so hard, it doesn't happen overnight, it takes failure and people as a whole tend to fear failure. Keep going and you will never truly fail. 

I believe that one day I will write a book or do something more involved and formal than write a blogger blog, to out reach to those who are trapped in the cycle of chronic disease. I also believe that today, in August of 2020, I am not at that point in my life. I know that I have more goals I want to reach before I can look back and say-not only did I beat Lyme+autoimmune disease but I achieved what Lyme tried to take from me.

Part of what motivates and drives me is knowing that I still have so many goals I want to achieve. Lyme sure did hit a big pause button on what I wanted to do with my life. I was not an athlete of any kind in school, I was one of the smartest until I could no longer think at all, I certainly was no writer. I want to grow my knowledge in psychology and work on being motivational for those who want to give away their hope, I do not think that there can ever be enough motivation. I want to build my body up, I want to feel physically strong, I have never really felt that (and if I ever did, I can't remember that time anymore). 

I feel that these are solid goals to work towards now that I do not chronically suffer from disease. 

I want to share these two videos with you all. I re-watched them this evening for the first time in ages. I was anything but disappointed!

Yolanda Hadid at the Lyme LRA Gala:

Ally Hilfiger -Living the Lyme Life feat. Bella Hadid

Reflecting on The Waves

Reflecting on a Week of Changes
This week has been a unique time in my life. One, because some things in my work/personal life are changing. Two, because I am headed back to Kansas this weekend. Heading to Kansas is always a guarantee that my life will change, I go in feeling one way and come out on the other side feeling different (usually worn out). Then weeks and months later my life continues to change.

Ill start elaborating. Personal life-
An amazing coworker of mine, that is a cross between a mom and a best friend to me, is leaving our office to move to Virginia. This woman came in only a year ago, and cleaned house. She changed our entire work environment. She streamlined all of our systems, wrote protocols, held people accountable, increased business, and most importantly brought a smile to everyones face.
It is nothing short of a God send that this woman was placed in our office and our lives. She managed to remove all of the toxic personalities from our office and environment, so all this posts from the last two years or so about issues with coworkers-she solved six months ago. Thanks to her, I am able to go to work and enjoy it. My heart is back in it, life is good. I also gained confidence and value in myself, I have been shown how much I am worth to the business. I have held the position of professional multitasker for four years now, thanks to this woman my benefit has been recognized and I can see a higher value in myself in the office.
The amount of smiling patients that come into our office has increased, many came by today or this week to say goodbye We even had a surprise party earlier in the week and managed to surprise her, I was honored to be a big part of that. I like making sure people feel special, I think that day we all did a good job.
This person has actually been special enough to me, that today I gave her a link to this blog as a going away present. For those of you who have been reading for a long time, you know that this blog is a very secret safe haven of mine, that I have only given to a small handful of people. The first being a coworker last year, then E and one other girl friend of mine, and now this coworker. Thats only 4 people (unless I forgot someone).

Personal life Pt. 2
I have been thinking lately on how much my life has been on a continuously changing spin cycle for the last few years, especially since the strep infection in my brain. The anxiety and depression has subsided substantially since March. Looking back into October 2018, anxiety was hitting an all time high and I was collapsing. I was scared big time and answers were scarce. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, so many nights I was awake in bed praying that I could just stand up right out of my body and leave it behind. My body and I are on better speaking terms, it still has some catching up to do, but I thank God every day today for the body I have been given. The good, the bad, and the ugly. A few years back I had zero understanding of anxiety, now I get it.

Ya know, they don't say you "get it" until you GET IT. Thankfully, I GET IT now. I understand.

Anxiety is a complete and total change in mental capacity and functions, immediately. Sometimes its triggered and sometimes its a surprise. Ive had a few minor surprises lately with it, but all very minor and all very related to staying up too late or not sleeping. A year ago I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, good day or bad. I wanted out. It didnt feel right.
Two years ago I remember having plenty of vegetable moments, all too often just being too tired to do much. Hobbies weren't in the picture. Depression was made, and anxiety showed up.
Three years ago, I was only a few months into treatment with my doctor, and that was my first taste of feeling human again. Depression was frequent but not severe, anxiety was very mild or maybe non existent (I would have to check my notes).
Six years ago, I had to take time off school because I just couldn't function.
Seven years ago I had to recognize that my life had changed, from an event the year prior, and I would have to recognize my new life style of feeling unwell all the time "for no reason". All sports were dropped and any activity I could live without was left to the dust and never thought of as a possibility. Life had changed and the future was a scary place.

The future is happening, life has been ever changing. More scary changes than I care to think about, but all the changes have led to the person I have become. In the last few months, since my last visit to Kansas, I have come to appreciate the man I am becoming. I am flawed, my body is faulty, things still scare me, sometimes I dont know what Im doing. But this is the life God gave me, it wasn't an accident, it all has a purpose for his glory. Ive made it this far, if I was doing something that wrong God would have taken me out of the picture. I will be here to serve my purpose until God decides my time has come.

Personal Life Pt. 3
I have removed a lot of toxic people from my life in the last few months. I used to fear that I was being antisocial, and that I should be conforming to other peoples quirks and habits otherwise I was doing something wrong. Now I am realizing that those behaviors put me in situations that allowed me to be walked on and taken advantage of, and a lot of those "friends" may serve me better from a distance rather than on my speed dial. Some of these friends have known me for  along time, they may come back around and this may be a temporary change, or it may be time to forget about them. My "best" friend that I used to mention on a frequent basis has been MIA from my life since February. One day he didn't text me back, and I never heard from him again. Very long story short, I sent him an email asking for forgiveness for whatever I may have done, and I apologized for some of my own faults that I knew bothered him. That was the end of that. Sending that email hurt, I had to pour a lot of emotion and thought into it and I knew in my heart that nothing would come of it physically. I knew no matter what I said, was he going to respond. God has given me very strong intuition in my life, sometimes I "just know". But I said my piece, I put it out there, I got it all of my  chest, I asked for forgiveness, I asked God to forgive me for my mistakes-known and unknown.
After this event my life began to clear in a way, I started getting him off my mind. It hurt. It burned. Intuition says its not over and come the end of this year I need to be prepared for something, what that is-I dont know. I just know I should take note of what my intuition said.
I removed 90% of the things that kept my life anchored to this person in anyway, which consisted of deleting pictures from my phone, texts, and taking of the friendship ring that he gave me. One day I will dump that last 10%, which will be when I delete all of the pictures and messages, throw the ring away (turns out it cost like $10 on eBay, I found where he bought it on the first search, he probably put very little thought into it and it probably isn't worth keeping in my drawer), and take the one last picture off my dresser. Its just hard for me to part with memories that during a hard part of my life, brought me a lot of joy and relief from some painful realities. I havent decided if its intuition telling me to hold onto these things a little longer, or just sentiment.

This isn't the only friend Ive had incidence with this year, probably the most dramatic. One "best" friend started dating another " best" friend, then the two of them starting treating myself and others rather poorly. Another "great" friend of mine started dating a new guy, then said new guy got a bit handsy with the girls cousin in the pool. "Great" friend says it didnt happen, cousin gets upset. Lo and Behold, house divided on a rather serious matter there. I voiced my opinion and stepped out of the picture. Anyway, ill stop there with the drama, drama doesn't need to seem like its being glorified.
This year, I realized how much healthier and happier I was when I didnt go out with friends or spend an evening with certain people. I noticed that I was happier stressing over car parts, than I was being caught in drama which began to seem endless. Maybe right now I am feeling a bit antisocial and I am being a bit snobby about what quality of people I want to spend my time around. I think it may be time I start treating my social life with a little more respect, even if it means staying home and not being social.

Lyme-
I guess I could mention a little bit about the topic that gave me the reason to write my blog. Life is going well in the disease department. Sleep has struggled painfully this week, but I have had a lot on my mind. I have had some extremely severe leg cramps all day everyday for the last several days which have made it painful to walk, I'm blaming this on working on my car. Fatigue and motivation are a bit of a struggle, probably related to sleeping.
If I could sleep well, and wake up early, then maintain a consistent schedule indefinitely, I think my symptoms would continuously improve. The one thing that  does remain a struggle is my personality, I still do not feel like im as "awake" as I was pre strep, sometimes it is still very difficult to talk. My brain just stays at flatline. I used to talk a lot more and joke around a lot and everyone thought I was hilarious (which is still there, but not at all like before. I used to keep track of my jokes I had so many). Its coming back, maybe after this coming visit to Kansas this will begin to take a large turn for the best. Im praying for my body as an entirety to heal and function properly (not just function "enough"), Im praying that my brain fog will be lifted, that I will feel completely like myself again and not just a "part" of myself that survived a war, and Im praying that I will be given the energy and stamina to feel GREAT after this coming week all the way through the school year (or further). Last time, my doctor told me I had near miraculous results with how quickly and significantly my test results improved for the better. I am praying that this will be gloriously repeated.

How am I doing on making up for the lost time I was in hiatus?? I told you, thoughts are in there!!

Head Above Water

The Song
Avril Lavigne has written a song that has recently become the anthem of my life. When she released Head Above Water a few weeks ago I fell in love instantly. I was a fan of hers pre my lyme and pre her lyme.
When she contracted Lyme a few years back and had the interview where she busted out in tears, I knew that she "got it". It was obvious that being sick struck a chord, which lead to her fighting back. I cannot help but admire her fighting spirit! She isn't a victim, she's out there helping victims. Thats not the most common feature found in the lyme community. Often lyme sufferers are left lacking support.  There are very few foundations and fundraisers to help spread awareness and give support to those in need. But Avril seems to be putting in an effort to bring Lyme out of the shadows and make it public.

The new song Head Above Water was very inspirational for me to hear. Its one of those songs that manages to pull some of those fighting emotions out, along with a few tears. The song is so sincere and visceral. " Yeah my life is what I'm fighting for, I don't want less I don't want more"....This line alone is a prayer I have prayed many nights, asking God to just give me my life to live to take me out of my misery.
"God keep my head above water"...I think drowning fits the feeling most of us with chronic illness feel. I know I have used the word drowning many times on this blog.
"Im too young to fall asleep"...I think this line says it all for itself. I was young when I became ill. I was about 13-14 when I came to grips with dying sooner rather than later. I was sure that my body was slowly giving out. When I was 15 I really bottomed out and I thought (also read hoped)that I was coming closer to the end. Even today some days I feel almost feeble. I can go from being active and happy to weak and confused. Some days I feel like gravity is causing my entire body to cave in.
All through it though, I have asked God that if meant to be, that I live longer and that my illness serve a purpose to others and that I waste nothing.

As you can see this song means a ton to me. It resonated very deeply with how Ive personally felt.
I have shared this song with everyone I can think of, even teachers at school!
It accurately displays how i've felt throughout my journey of chronic illness, thats for sure. Asking God to pull me up from the depths has probably been a daily prayer for years now.

If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend it!

My Life, the Past Five Years

Today I want to share with you all an excerpt from a recent school presentation. Most of this I have shared with my blog readers in the past, but here I go again.

My Life, the Past Five Years

Lyme disease is spread by insect bites, most commonly ticks but also fleas and mosquitos. Any tick borne pathogen can be spread to the host in less than a minute. It does not take a tick 24 hours or even several days to transmit a disease. The most common symptoms are migrating joint pain, headaches, dizziness, brain fog, and swelling. There’s a catch, most common is a very loose term. Lyme disease can mimic over 300 diseases and can imitate nearly every symptom known. Recently it has even been found to cause tumors, certain cancers, and 8 out of 10 Alzheimer’s cases. 

Lyme disease is a lifelong disease, it has no known cure. About 80-90% of patients never reach long term remission. The ones that do reach remission commonly have a port placed in their chest or PICC line in their arm, and receive intravenous antibiotics several days a week, multiple times a day. There are very few clinics that treat full blown chronic Lyme disease in the United States. Most doctors do not believe the disease exist, for reasons unknown.

 

To pursue remission and stop the damaging effects of Lyme disease, I traveled to Wichita, Kansas. I chose this clinic because it is the only clinic in the United States that utilizes only natural methods to heal the body, better than before contracting the disease. There is only one other clinic like this in the world, the Paracelsus Clinic in Switzerland. I have stayed at the clinic a total of three weeks this year and will return for another week in August. I have reached about an 80% improvement; it is expected for me to reach remission this year.

As a child with chronic disease I have had the opportunity to learn so much more than others. I now have a Master’s degree in using Google, I can find the health section at the library walking backwards with my eyes closed, I learned compassion and understanding, and most of all I learned the importance of faith.

At 13 I had to become my own doctor, because no one knew what was wrong with me. It was my own persistence and research that brought me to where I am today. After reading countless books, internet articles, and watching every video I could find on YouTube I came to the conclusion I would not use antibiotics as a long term treatment method. In the last five going on six years of research I have not found one case of Lyme that has been cured without damaging, lasting side effects from antibiotics.  On top of that it takes on average 3-5 years of intravenous antibiotics to bring chronic Lyme disease into remission.

No Lyme literate medical doctor will tell you this. Only looking at other people’s experience will you find this information.

Lyme disease is not a disease recognized by most doctors, not just in the United States but all over the world. Every Lyme patient has to search, ask around, and dig for that one doctor within reach that could possibly help them find relief.

One thing I learned for sure, without a doubt is patience. It took four years to find a doctor that had enough experience under his belt to not just relieve symptoms, but to bring me too remission-possibly to the point of cure. Time will tell.

Lyme disease has totally and completely changed my life. The last normal, scheduled, teenager program I was involved in for fun was Boy Scouts. I was the first in my patrol to reach the Rank of Eagle, I was the first to completely fill my sash. When I was 14, I had to quit that too because I no longer had the energy and focus to move further in the program. I have stayed a member and go to meetings whenever I am needed, but that’s all I do for them.

It took a long time to realize this, but my life experience truly is different than the standard. I have not missed out on anything; I have been given my own unique opportunity.

Any teenage male from the ages 12-18 can join the Boy Scouts and earn a Merit Badge. It’s a black and white process, fill out the paperwork and do the required activities-you just got yourself a badge. Having a chronic disease is anything but black and white. Every day is different; I do not know what I will be doing or what will even be able to do until the minute I do it. Even throughout the day things change, it’s normal to wake up sick, perk up at some point, crash, and then reach what seems to be a steady medium. This day is not a literal 24 hour day, 80% of Lyme patients are insomniacs, and this whole process could cycle for 36+ hours without ever sleeping.

Even on the worst days where I never left the bed or stayed up for two days in a row, I had my faith. I knew everything would be okay. God’s timing is perfect; it takes time to learn life lessons. They cannot be taught in school, because school is only a program, it cannot teach you the every up and down swing life can and will throw at you.

I would have never learned compassion for other people, suffering in ways that cannot be seen by those who have not had the experience themselves. I would never had seen how perfect Gods timing really is if I didn’t have a reason to look for it. Waking up feeling dead is quite the motivator to look!

I would never have seen the groups and droves of people with chronic illnesses that have no one to reach out to them. Most importantly of all, I would have never seen the reason to be the one to reach out, if I hadn’t been there myself.

 

When I wrote this for my presentation, my goal was to not show people that all suffering is worthless and horrible. Everything happens for a reason and through all things there is a lesson. If you can see the reason for your own life, you will always be able to pull yourself out of depression and you will always conquer you battles.

Post 100

Look at that you guys, we've reached post number 100!! During Lyme Disease Awareness month too!

This is exciting. I am thrilled to say I feel much better today than I did when I typed out post number 1 back in October 15'.
Today I am building up my body. My muscles and back are beginning to hold and work correctly, I have more energy, some nights I sleep hard and wake refreshed, and my spirit is healing.

One of the things you are never told about being chronically ill is your body and spirit are never in line. One day your spirit could be in a great place, calm and confident. But your body is in shambles.
Going to bed one night thinking everything is great, tomorrow will be awesome. Then tomorrow comes and you awaken to the feeling of negativity, pain, fatigue, and a grand total of zero motivation.

But time goes on. Gods plan works out. I have learned an invaluable amount of information during my many years of illness. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Did you see that coming?

I've been sick for years, but wouldn't have it any other way. Huh.

The end of my illness is getting closer, not tomorrow but in the upcoming time it is. Physically and mentally I am stronger and gaining a little more every week. Ups and downs occur but have become less extreme.

I will be going back to Hansa, I hope it will be my last requires visit. Even if it's not, I'm okay. If I go for a 4th time it is not the end of the world. I am healing. I will be 100% and better than before one day-without the need of further supplements.

That's one thing I am looking forward to, no more pills or liquids to take. I have a few boxes of empty bottles that I've saved just to see how many bottles I would go through to reach the last one.
I have taken something almost every day for 5ish years...it would be nice to have no need for that.
My healing results in the last few months is astounding, I pray everyone will one day be able to have access to healthcare that is available at the Hansa Center.

Until next time, God bless

I Would Like to Ask for Something

As you all have seen I follow many blogs, at some point I think I've mentioned most of them. A few months ago I posted about one blog in particular, Ticks and Trust. This blog is written by a Canadian mom who also battles Lyme disease and several co-infections. Several years ago her son Parker was also bitten. Shannon has since been able to better than when she had a full blown set of infections constantly. Parker however has not been able to become assymptomatic. He reached remission once, but the pain never fully went away. Now he is doing worse and nothing seems to be making him well.

The faith and confidance in of this family has been challenged so hard. I think many of the people who read my blog understand what it's like to he chronically ill because most of them probably are. But this family, nearly all of them have been Lyme positive at some point. Nearly all of them have been through Lyme treatment. They have all had to deal with trying to find a doctor to treat them, which has turned into multiple doctors and multiple treatments. Shannon's oldest and youngest are doing well how, but her middle child Parker only knows suffering at this point.

I would like to ask for prayers for the Goertzen family. I know what it's like to be the sick kid whose just held back by everything, thinking about other kids like Parker who are much worse than I ever was just makes my heart break.
I wish I had some other way to help them in addition to our prayers, but this time all I have to offer is my own hope in God that one day he will he ok. Parker will be a new person and when he comes out of this darkness he lives under he will be able to look back and find the positive things that happened in his long journey.
I am personally praying he will never lose faith that he will be okay and all of this happens for a reason, it's not God trying to torture him in any way.

Here is a link to the most recent post.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Praying for VIctoria

                                Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
                                         I will fear no evil for you are with me;
                                           your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
                                                                                             Psalm 23:4

Some of you guys may have noticed, I follow a bunch of blogs. One of the blogs I read is written by Victoria Wilguess.
Victoria was diagnosed with lyme disease as a young teenager just like I was. Except unlike me, she has progressed in her infection....In a few hours she will be undergoing a major, rare, and extremely painful heart surgery awake!

She has a heart arrhythmia that needs to be corrected, but because of where the arrhythmia is occurring specifically (near her diaphragm) not just any doctor perform the surgery.
Here is where she explains it

Victoria has an inspiring amount of faith in God, especially considering all of what she has gone through. She has undergone treatment at a clinic in Nevada for weeks and months at a time, multiple surgeries, numerous visits to the ER, and tremendous (and constant) amounts of pain.
She just has not found been able to find relief, and tomorrow her story will continue.

I would like everyone who reads this post to join me in prayer, to pray for quick healing, peace after the surgery, no more setbacks(shes had enough), and for minimal pain. Victoria also has a prayer list I would like to share-
"-Peace and patience for my family and friends as they wait during my surgery since it'll be an all day surgery
That they be able to get the central line IVs in easily
That I'll be able to do the surgery without sedation and not be in a lot of pain
That the surgery will work and the arrhythmia won't come back
That there will be no complications during and after surgery
That recovery will go well
That I will be able to show God's love to the doctors and nurses taking care of me
This is odd, I know, but please pray that my bladder problems don't flare up during and after surgery. Bladder catheters really irritate things and I'll have to have one for the procedure and after when I'm on bed rest for 6 hours to prevent bleeding from where they went into my heart. "


Although doctors do not have all of the answers, just their best guess, God knows. He knows what we all need, including Victoria when she spends over 10+ hours on the operating table later.

I am praying for good things to come from this Victoria!!

Updates after the surgery will be found here

The Healing Code, have you read it?

     Today I want to talk about a book to nearly everyone I know. Dr. L recommended this to me a few years, and I am so glad I listened! This book really helped me get through the emotional trauma caused by being sick. People with chronic illnesses often have had some kind of emotional trauma at some point in their life.

     Mine stemmed from a few points. When I broke my arm I was in a cast for about 9 weeks. My thumb and pointer finger were unable to flex because the nerve was stretched. All of my fingers on that hand were messed up in some way or another. I had 0 feeling in my pointer and thumb, my middle finger had pins and needles and diminished flexibility, my ring finger was like my middle but less severe, then my pinky was unaffected somehow. Even today I still have diminished feeling in that hand after nearly 5 years, PE, and laser therapy.
Another thing that gets to me, especially on the bad days, is losing friends and being unable to stay involved with things I did previously.
At one point I was active in Boy Scouts, gymnastics, tennis, and anything else fun that came up. The boy scouts especially ticked me off. I was one of the highest ranking kids in the county, active in the Troop, first one in my patrol to reach the rank of eagle at 14 years old, and I had known most of the other guys most of my life.
I went to the meetings and taught the younger kids every week, never missed. I knew all of the younger kids, I enjoyed teaching them. It was great.
A year after becoming an Eagle Scout I just had no more energy for extra activities. I couldn't go and teach every week. No one said anything to me. I took a three month or so break before I went back. One of the first things a patrol member of mine said to me was "Why are you here"
Warming isn't it? I could talk about the Boy Scouts a lot...but lets be honest. Its way overrated.
 I am a double silver Eagle Scout with a full sash of merit badges(I could start the second). I know this from experience. I wasn't one of the kids who let their dad take over either, I made it at 14 because I wanted  to. It was a goal I wanted to accomplish. I just had a strive to thrive.
Now Lyme disease is my priority. I have to strive to survive. Ill thrive later, God willing.

     That's the gist of my sob story. Ill probably post about it again at a later date. Ill get off my rabbit trail and go back to the book.
Emotional trauma stops healing. The mind is the control center for your whole body. If it is overwhelmed with emotions it has to deal with, its priorities are going to change from healing the body, to healing the mind. Stress kills, a stressed brain cannot function.
When we live with emotional trauma, the added physical trauma will be our downfall. Its not possible to be physically well when we are taken down from both sides.
Our heart, according to Dr. Jernigan at the Hansa Center, holds onto these emotional memories. This book, The Healing Code, goes into great detail about how our emotions and thoughts control our health. One of the doctors in the book discussed how his chronically ill patients
 wouldn't get better. The root of it wasn't the wrong pill combination, but emotions.


     Reading this book gave me more sense of self awareness. I am not controlled by the anger or unhappiness I had from becoming ill. I don't blame myself. I used to try to blame others or myself. "Maybe if I would have started complaining about my symptoms sooner I would have found a treatment sooner". Or why didn't someone else see that I felt so bad and say something.
Its important to remember, everything happens for a reason. We may not be able to see the reason, but there will be a positive outcome.

     Being sick taught me to become independent and to avoid following blindly. Whenever a doctor tells me to take something I need to know A.Why? B. What is it going to do to me. C. What are the important side affects.
Too many people take a doctors advice way too seriously. A doctor practices what he/she is taught, most of them do follow a similar script for everyone.
They have a fairly specific protocol for everyone already, for depression they have an A drug they tryout first, same goes for infections, ADD/ADHD, and other disorders.
When drug A or even herb/supplement A doesn't work, they have a backup or plan B.

     I learned to think creatively. I try to think outside the box when it goes to my own treatment. Most doctors(who treat lyme) give 1-3 abx. This will cause a herx reaction from the bacteria dying.
When a herx is coming on, we are told to detox. Detox what? There is always more than lyme bacteria to detoxify. The goal may be to remove the toxins from dead bacteria, but detoxing is so general. It will help remove anything that needs to be removed.
So what specifically is being detoxed, heavy metals, other bacteria toxins(if so which ones?), environmental toxins, pesticides, parasites?
When detoxing usually some symptoms will increase, for me brain fog usually. Which toxins coming out cause which symptoms?
Anyway, this is how I think. "Why" and "how" is what I am always asking. I no longer think, "what if I had" or "but if this-". This poisons our body.

The Healing Code taught me to check my thoughts and emotions. Letting them run wild will lead to downfall, not a better circumstance that "could have been". It was not a standard self help book, it wasn't telling me to change my life to be happy. It explained the science of cellular memories and how they affect our body.
I recommend this book to anyone who struggles with a resistant, chronic disease. It was easy to read and extremely informative.
Emotional healing should be considered in everyone with a chronic disease. Something is blocking the body from healing.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”‘ – Romans 8:28

Babesia Symptoms

Earlier this week I posted about how I have stayed more tired than usual. I am generally tired but I can stay functional...well most of the time.

This past week was different. It was like, I would trade anything for sleep. It was like nothing was worth getting out of bed and using my valuable energy.
Yesterday something occurred to me. I noticed my abdomen was beginning to feel sore, around ribcage. Turns out this is the spleen area. The spleen processes blood cells, which babesia infects. So I think I may be going through a babesia flair...

In the past I have taken Cumanda and Quina from Nutramedix, and the herb cryptolepis.
The Cumanda and Quina seemed to work a little, but they just weren't what I needed. The effects just didn't last for me. That's when I tried the Cryptolepis tincture. It was like a magic bullet for my fatigue! The results were almost miraculous. Within a few hours of the first dose (15 drops) I felt better. I walked the dog for fun and did some other stuff I enjoy doing on good days.

I started at 15 drops 3x daily and quickly moved up to 1/2 tsp 3x, I did this for 5 months.
I stopped taking it in August because I was no longer feeling the affects. I wasn't having the same fatigue I was having before either. I haven't taken any anti-malarials since then...Maybe its time to give it a shot again.

I've never tried red root, I think I will order some of that also and report back!

On another note, I follow this blog- http://victoriawilguess.blogspot.com/ by Victoria Wilguess. She has suffered from Lyme Disease also. Like me she went several years without an answer or any treatments. Another thing that hit close to home was that she was also a teenager when she got sick. This is harder than most people can understand, unless you have been in the situation personally.
True friends to support you and family members to understand you can be scarce. That alone can bring someone down, on top of that she was a teenager. That is a stressful time for everyone at some point. She somehow stayed positive. I believe its because of her faith in God. I know that's what she will tell you.
Victoria has been going through some new treatments lately. Included a stem cell transplant, that she will have to go to Germany for.
Having a chronic illness is hard. There is uncertainty, pain, and a distancing from the reality previously known.
Victoria (and myself) had to grow up, just to learn to cope. This is not easy for kids who were used to running around and playing games. You cant explain to another 12 year old your sitting out of tag because your tired or in pain.
Victoria has been on my mind and in my prayers the past few weeks. It would be great if you could keep her in your prayers, she is going through a lot :)