Thinking

Im Not Sure Where To Start
Hey you guys, been a month now and im trying not to go too long without longing life here on the blog.
This school semester is killing me, psych and sociology are going awesome, chemistry and pre calc are knocking me out. Me and numbers and memorizing and focusing....not so great! I love psychology, I think I have the best teacher in the world, I really do. Today after class I spent almost half an hour talking to her about my experiences in the clinic I work in, compared to what I had seen in today lecture. Today we talked about alcoholism and alcohol use (earlier this week was drugs and controlled substances), so I talked about how we see so many people who use food or drugs as their way to cope with life and most of that is because its socially acceptable to eat a lot for comfort.

We also talked about how many clients will lie to your face "oh no, im not doing that anymore" then follow up and say "except for... four times yesterday, then today for breakfast, plus when I was on the way here". I asked my teacher, "so when will we cover the stats on how many clients will never even try to get better or how they will just get more creative at hiding from their problem" and thats how we got onto the subject. It was very enjoyable, she is someone who definitely gets it, who sees life through their own eyes and not someone who hides behind rose glasses (or at least does a good job at appearing that way). That was probably the highlight of my day, could even be my week.

As far as my actual health goes, I dont want to say it and I dont want to claim it, but I have had a bunch of rough days in the last few weeks.
Monday morning I woke up at 5am, after a demonic nightmare (very rare for me. very) and I was wide awake, so I functioned that day on 3 hours of rough sleep. Tuesday was similar, I was up at 5 after a weird dream but managed to fall back to sleep. Then at 6:30am I woke up and that was it, but I did sleep around 7 or so hours this time so it was better than the day before. Tuesday night I was asleep around 11:30pm, and then i slept until 10:30am wednesday. I would call that pretty solid, but still I was worn out. And allll of that leads us up to today, which is still rough and I cant think. My brain and focus checked out.

Emotionally, except for the last couple of weeks where Ive felt worn out, Ive had a LOT of really good days. Days  that I can ride around the car and enjoy my time listening to my music and having fun. No complaints. I have been very grateful for the reminder of what that all actually feels like. Even now, im not feeling great physically or emotionally, but its not so bad compared to a year ago. Its rough and I need to get this figured out sooner rather than later, I know part of it is stress and overworking myself.

I have been getting back in the sauna again, last week I got in for 45-60 minutes 5-6 times. That helped me a lot, but for whatever reason it didnt stick to this week. I got in again today for the first time this week, im praying that tomorrow will be a great day. If I can make it through work and some studying, thats all I ask.
I have been taking more time off work, I took nearly all of today off work to get some homework and rest in.

One personal thing has been weighing on me a ton and Its something I do wish would just go away. But I know better than that, and theres no lessons to be learned if my problems disappear into thin air. The end of October is the anniversary of the death of someone who used to be my best friend, and I was always involved with that with my friend every year. Now, nothing. He doesn't talk to me anymore and won't answer my calls, texts, emails etc. so I know better than to try to send him another message of any sorts. Its just odd, being so close to someone and being a part of special times in their life (though this one is rather tragic, not sure special is really the right word, maybe I should say meaningful instead ?), then just being gone from their life. But, for now, it just is what it is.

This coming week I am going to get some blood work done to checkout whats going on in my body. Its been several months since I have had anything checked out, I may find a cause to why I haven't been feeling so hot.

Long Hiatus

I Forgot
Ok so I am guilty of what many bloggers all do at some point in life. I forgot to sit down and write on my blog.
Ive been writing this blog for years, Im a bit shocked it was so easy for me to just disappear like that. E texted me this evening and asked me if it was a good thing that it has been 5 months since my last post. I had NO idea it had been that long! Not in the slightest. A whole lot of things have changed since February. Mostly for the better!

Okay so first things first. I finished another semester of school successfully. College Algebra included. That alone is a gift from God LOL.
I decided to do two summer classes this summer, Theories of Psych and Social Problems. Both have been rather fun and light classes to do during an online summer semester. I like the 1 class per month setup, im not so rushed to get things done. I just have my dedicated amount of time to spend on each class 6 days awake, but short amounts of time so I can actually ENJOY the class a little! I remember when reading was rocket science a few years ago.
Sitting down to read a book is still difficult, but for school I can do it.

Second! I went to see my Kansas Doc in March. WOW. Life has changed a lot since then. He started me on some new things for sleep which have made a significant difference in the quality of my sleep. We did the standard work up, I have it all written down and I will post specific details on it all soon.
My quality of life sky rocketed after this last visit to my doctor, like record breaking. Before I went to the clinic I was really starting to wear down again, feeling very flatline and tired. Not necessarily depressed or anxious, just run down. But I was going to the gym every so often and pushing myself, trying to get into the rhythm of exercising and exerting physical energy. My body had all forgotten what intentional exercise was after all these years, 13 years old was when all my formal exercise of any sort ended. Now I am 21 and I can do it again. Some days I can some days I can't, but what has made life different is the days that I can are out numbering the ones where I can't. I do still have limits, I am really pushing getting to bed earlier. I HAVE to recover and not over do it in my daily life if I want to be able to feel well and be able to exercise.
The first  two months after my March visit with my doctor I felt GREAT. Sure I still had bad and sucky days, but I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week for the most part and I finished the last half of the school semester. School, gym, and work. Never thought I would see the day.

Quality of life is doing much much better than in the past. Depression creeps in every so often, when it does usually I can take a look at something I had done in the last 24 hours and pick out the cause. Chinese food and MSG, WAY over doing it with working too hard and not resting, under eating-depression guarantees for me. Every time without a fail.

Anxiety. Heres a word that I, at one point in my life, had no understanding of. No comprehension of the effects that this little disorder could have on somebody's life. I had no idea anxiety held the mold to completely reshape a persons life and personality into a form previously unknown. This anxiety thing isn't for sissies! I had no idea how anxious and on edge I was all the time until it disappeared...
Thats right. I dont think I have had anxiety in months now. After the last visit to my doctor the anxiety and unhinged stress slowly started melting away and releasing. Like a wound up rubber band slowly popping itself free until no tension was left.
Who remembers when thats all I had to talk about?
If anxiety does NOT return with the onset of the new school semester, I think we will have truly witnessed a miracle. Even if it does return, I don't think severity will ever reach what it once was. Looking back about two summers ago when it was in its peak, I think I should have seen a psychiatrist and gotten some strong medication or something. I dont think I even almost recognized how severe it was. OR how strong I was to resist it during that time. I am so thankful that God kept me strong and I never fell victim to feeling sorry for myself or giving up.

Work! I am still at the same office working the same job. During the summer I work full time, which my dear bank account is so grateful for. Come this very full semester of college next month, my bank will shed a few small tears when my hours cut back.
Some things even at work have changed, Ive become much more social and have had much more bonding time with my co workers. I love them to pieces.
Earlier this year the problematic coworkers that all of us were bothered by (11 employees, 2 problematic, not kidding when I say EVERYONE) are now GONE. They are still employed by they are working from a distance, out of our space and out of our way! They're happy not being in the office being social (one of the two has a social disorder and regularly ticked people off) and we are happy having the space back.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed my job. Some evenings I dont even want to go home, I actually think I rather be at work with my work family than with some of my friends from school. I must be growing into an adult LOL.

I go back to my Kansas doc in just a few weeks, two I think. I have already gotten my blood drawn for the lab work. Just waiting to fly out. I am still taking a crap ton of supplements and I pray that soon I will be able to reduce things, I am not on as many pills as I have been in the past but I am still choking down a fist full morning and night. I dont even ask that I have to discontinue them all. Just some. Pretty please
I have begun to slide down again on energy compared to what it was after my visit in March. I changed one of my adrenal supplements and it made a big difference and progress started coming back. I am looking forward to my upcoming visit, my baseline now is a mile higher than ever before. I have never gone into a week in Kansas, not anxious and in pain, never ever exercising, never working hard. Its almost always a downward spiral my doc has to pull me from.
The only symptom I would say is truly "returning" is my brain fog, which I have fought with and fought with for almost a decade. Again, if I could sleep am 8 hour night every night, my brain health would probably be out of this world. Sleep quality has gotten great, amount of hours is still rather lacking and not ideal. Ive noticed lately Ive been garbling my speech a lot more and I lose thoughts and sentences, so I know its coming time for a tune up again. I am glad this coming visit will be more of  strong jump start or maybe even a slingshot into feeling normal again, rather than my doctor pulling me up by the Grace of God from the pits of disrepair. He's going to be so shocked when he sees me next time.

I am still trying to push my fitness even though my energy has been waning a bit. I have gone to the gym twice this week. I am really trying to eat more, I haven't eaten a satisfactory quantity on a regular basis in years (probably the whole time I've been sick). Its time I quit starving myself and I make food a higher priority. I still don't enjoy food a whole lot or enjoy eating. I notice I can trick myself into eating a lot more at work when Im busy compared to when Im home doing other projects (read, I forget to eat at home). I have found a protein shake called Vega that I can tolerate, so I have been mixing it with some frozen fruit and ACV, creating what is now my breakfast and dinner. I learned protein shakes before bed drastically help my sleep quality. With these results, doing the shakes has become second nature. I mix them with fruits I like plus some kale or veggies, then heavily dilute with coconut milk to thin it out. If I make the smoothie very thick it will hurt my stomach, I still have to watch it with food. Hard to digest solid food makes my stomach feel full and painful for a while. MUCH better than it was in the past but it is still an issue. If I dilute my smoothies down and take digestive enzymes, the problem is better. Maybe my hunger (lack of) issue will be what begins to improve next time I go to my doctor.
My goal is to begin gaining weight, 6'4" and 136 or so LBS. Its time I look less anorexic and have more reserves. People who have a healthier body weight have a stronger immune system and are less likely to get sick. Thats mah goal here!
Since starting with the gym I have gained zero pounds since February. I took a look at my diet and realized how little I was eating (realized...again) and how lacking in protein it was. This week I started the Vega instead of the other vegan protein I was doing, the Vega is a bit higher in proteins. I still need to bring up the calories and nutrients as a whole. But this eating thing isn't easy. I have noticed a difference since I started doing protein shakes 1-2 times a day a month or two ago, my energy has become more consistent and holds out for longer.

In my more fun side of life, I bought a 74' Alfa Romeo Spider, it has become my baby. Its a cross between a project car and my own daily driving car. It was a solid driver. At first. I decided to drive the car to work one day, the thermostat stuck and overheating the engine...blowing the head gasket. This wasn't a bit deal, it was easy to fix this. While I had the engine torn apart I replaced a lot of other things while I was in there, thinking I was making my car more and more reliable (in theory I did). Well once the head gasket was replaced I took the car on some test drives around the neighborhood, honing in the carburetors and getting them adjusted (look, I know im supposed to be  millennial but I want to learn how this stuff works LOL). Aaaaaand a little 10mm nut came off a carb bracket, and went right into the engine. Thats bad. Whats worse, I did not realize that had happened. I eventually figured out the reason I couldn't adjust the carbs was because one cylinder had sucked in the nut and had become severely damaged in the head. I discovered this had happened when I took the spark plug out and saw the tip had been crushed, I knew this had to be bad. LONG story short. The head of the engine has been back and forth the the shop many times, with failed attempts to fix it. Now another head is being built for my car (I know most of my readers arent car people and this is just rocket science...BUT)and will hopefully be ready soon. Its taken about two months to get this far on this issue. The "new" head being built has taken almost a month to be refurbished from what it was, the shop hasn't been in what you call a hurry to get the job done. But if they do a good job, I can be patient. Im thankful it only hurt the head of the engine and didnt ruin the WHOLE engine. For this we are thankful.

I think this about brings everyone to where my life is now. Major symptoms-fatigue(could be worse), brain fog, insomnia, digestion.
Life problems-my car is broken.
But hey, all these issues are fixable and will be fixed in due time. Step by step progress gets made!

I missed blogging, truthfully I just havent sat down or really NEEDED to vent like I have in the past, but no that does not mean I will stop writing!

Forgot to Sleep

Sleeping 

I’m told is very important for physical and mental health. Honestly I’m just living on faith that that’s true the truth. Insomnia, what can I say, I’ve NOT slept more in my life than I have slept. Just is what it is. Haven’t figured out the magic code for that one yet. Recently I asked my doctor to let me try a sleeping drug again to see if I could find some relief. In the past I’ve had ambien and restoril, with rather lacking results. That was probably three years ago. This time she gave me Lunesta! 

Much to my dismay, the green Lunamoth from the commercial isn’t real. I took the drug two nights in a row. She told me my dose was a higher one because of my history with lackluster results with prescriptions. It actually helped me sleep! First time for everything! Now this is where a regular person would cheer and say whoohoo the medicine works! But. I ain’t a regular person. Did I sleep better ?? Sure did. Did I feel better? Oh no. No no. I was completely zombiefied the next day both days. It made me depressed and just completely brain dead. 

Needless to say...I’ve already taken a hiatus from the new drug. Unfortunately I feel and function better on no sleep than I do with sleep(induced by meds). One day when I don’t have anything to worry about the following day, I’m going to give a 1/2 or 1/4 dose a shot to see if that gives me fewer  side effects. I don’t even like taking prescriptions, but it would be so nice just to have something to rescue me on one of those *extra* bad nights when I’m still 1000% wide awake at 5:00am. It happens!! 

For those of you in the crowd wondering, and yes there’s always one of you out there to ask me this question. Yes I have tried melatonin. No it didn’t work. Yes I tried taking more or taking less. I didn’t sleep earlier or harder, it just made me more tired the next day. 

The last two nights for me have been borderline tragic. I don’t know if I would say I’ve even slept, just dozed. The next day always feels like a continuation of the day before...I hate those days.

The strange part is how okay it is though, I have the same amount of energy as normal. Maybe a little less, and certainly less brain power. But I’ve aced tests in school on 0% sleep. So that should tell you how active my brain will stay even in the most sleep deprived of states. 

Honestly I think I if I slept like a normal human being I would have the energy to do things like exercise and exert energy. Wouldn’t shock me at all if my chronic always awakeness was contributing to the cause of me not being able to exert myself.

This weeks sleep, er lack of sleep, has led me to beginning to feel ill. This evening I had a headache and my sinuses acting up. Oh dear. Just what I need, a sinus bug! The ibuprofen took care of the headache. I’m hoping my vitamins and natural antibiotics knock out any possible infection. I just don’t want to get sick! No no no! 

Normally I stay on a low dose of a natural antibiotic called Biocidin. I keep on it as it’s a good anti strep anti fungal, two things I struggle with. Well two days ago I had the bright idea that maybe this Biocidin was possibly causing me to feel worse. Maybe it was stirring up to much in my system. So I said hey, I don’t take that much anyway I’m going to take a break. The last two days that I’ve been off the supplement, I’ve felt fairly good. I’ve had some more energy and stamina. This evening though, I decided it wasn’t worth getting sick so I restarted the med. I’m hoping that I caught it in time, if I ever get strep my psychological state sufferers. It has been suffering today like it does when I get exposed to strep. For whatever reason, something that I’ve noticed that will happen is I’ll get intrusive scary thoughts, like imagining myself getting hit by another car running through an intersection. I recognize that this isn’t normal and it isn’t exactly my normal either...thought I’ve had intrusive thoughts many times even for long periods. It mostly disappeared after I treated strep several months back. 

Now...I just gotta catch up and make sure nothing can take hold! I prefer my head on my shoulders rather than up there in the fluffy clouds.  

I started 5 drops of Biocidin, 1 teaspoon of vitamin C powder, 10,000 IU of Vit D, and a fair dose of vitamin A. Plus I gargled some salt water. 

If I could get some sleep I think this bug wouldn’t have a chance !! So tonight, I’m praying for some zzz’s!!

Sleep, BWO, and Life

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to post about brain wave optimization. Well Lyme brain struck!

But today I remembered I hadn't written the post, and I thought it was a good time. So here it goes.

Brain Wave Optimisation 

This therapy is a way for the brain to "see itself", a way to show the brain what's not ticking right. The goal is to bring balance back to brain function. It has been shown to stop anxiety or sleep disfunction when the brain waves are brought back into the correct balance. The therapy reads off brain waves and reflects them back using sound. When the brain "hears" itself it can correct what it didn't know was dysfunctional.

It sounds good right? It all made sense to me when my doctor explained it, when I researched it online, and when I spoke to the practitioner. I do believe this is a good therapy, if it's what your body needs.

Here's my experience.

I started the therapy, I met with the practitioner for 4 days, 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I layed back in a chair for most of it, with headphones in. During parts I would be attempting to sleep, if anything the goal was to relax and be still. That was easy, I am usually very relaxed. 

During this time the device was reading off my brain waves and playing them back to me using tones and music. It wasn't bad...I wouldn't go to a concert to hear that again, but it wasn't bad. During the second half of the therapy the goal was to be awake, somewhat stimulated. I would be sitting up in the chair, with a light on above me, and looking through or reading a book. Again, no big deal. 

During this whole therapy I became rather tired, sitting in one spot for so long took it out of me. But nonetheless, I thought it seemed promising. 

Towards the end of the week, nearing the end of the therapy, I felt more awake/alert during the day. No change in my sleep whatsoever. The practitioner seemed to be stuck on relaxing, the computer read outs didn't show I was unrelated. He just didn't seem to understand how some one could just not sleep...

Needles to say, I wasn't impressed with the end results. Sleep I would say changed none whatsoever, focus may be somewhat improved on some days. Which is good, but still not an impressive result. 

I also got this headband device, it is similar to the therapy with the practioner but on a smaller scale. I wear this headband that is connected to a tablet. The tablet will show the brainwave readouts, in a much more simplified manner than the practioners machine. The tablet plays the music, through ear buds, that supply the brain wave reflection. 

I'm supposed to do that everyday, starting at 2minutes building up to 20-40 minutes. I am going to continue with it, but I haven't noticed any change.

On a brighter note-

A few days ago I had one night of amazing sleep. That particular day I had to wake up early and hit the ground running. It turned out to be a good day(symptom wise), and I was able to do everything I needed no big deal. When the day came to an end, I was dead and actually went to sleep at a decent hour. I use the term decent hour loosely, it was about 1:00am but that's great for me. I woke up myself the next morning without needing an alarm, so my body was able to rest enough with time to spare. That never happens.

Sadly I haven't been able to repeat that, because my energy still had to rebuild after a long day like that. I'm almost back.

I know my last few posts have been about being depressed. This week I've had some relief! A couple days ago I decided to raid my oil stash and see if I could find a mood/energy booster. Instead of thinking beforehand and deciding what oil could work, I just looked at my bottles to decide what I would try. I just looked through my oils until something "stood out", I tied to follow my intuition. I picked frankincense and wild orange, 2 drops each in my diffuser. 

Frankincense is known for its mood boosting properties, I've used it successfully in the past. But wild orange was rather new. You see, I don't like wild orange. A few years ago I ate a bad orange, it probably had some chemicals on it or something and it made me vomit. That particular orange had a very strong orange smell to it, smelling the orange oil very much brought back the same nausea that bad orange did. 

Not this time, after mixing it with frankincense and diluting it in a diffusor, the orange gave me no problem. 

The frankincense/orange combo has been great, my mood and energy took a turn for the best. I have been able to sit down and focus better, I have had the motivation to get up and do things, very little depressive thoughts. 

Today I wasn't able to do it because I wasn't home enough, and I can feel the difference. I feel more bummed out and don't have the get up and go I did yesterday.

I have used oils with great results in the past, but I don't know if I have ever had such a dramatic result so fast. 

Now if I can find a mix of oils for sleeping...I could rule the world!!

Looking Forward

During the last week a good bit has been going on in my life, good and bad.

Last weekend I had the flu, I'm still trying to regain my energy. 

A few days ago I spoke to Dr.Jowdy for my one month update. He is very pleased with my progress.

At the moment I am trying to keep up with using the sauna. When I was on my trip I could not use it, several days in the last week I've had something come up and not had the time to get in...

So I am trying to get back on track with that, originally Dr.J recommend 3X a week. I would say overall I do closer to 5 days a week.

Today was the first time to use it since the weekend. I set it to 150F, got in at 130F, stayed in almost 40 minutes and when I got out it was 140F. So I did longer than usual and hotter than usual, it made a difference. I was not expecting anything much but I truly and honestly felt less fatigued after getting out. 

Of course half an hour at over 100 degrees I was kinda gross, I went straight to the showers after that!!

After my shower I decided I would continue my roll and make some juice and a smoothie. I needed rehydrating for sure. I made a larger juice and a larger smoothie than normal, along with 5 caps of Betaine HCL. 

I started the HCL last week, still tweaking the dose. I did a stomach acid test and found my stomach is not producing acid well, this leads to me not absorbing food as well. 

All in all and the added acid leaves me with less stomach discomfort after eating. When I eat it always feels like a rock is stuck in my stomach for hours. Even water does this. 

I haven't tried more than 6 capsules yet because I'm a little fearful...I've heard it's very painful if you take to much acid. I know I still need to reach a higher dose. I drank that smoothie an hour ago and I still feel it loud and clear. 

I mentioned already I spoke to my doctor. Between visits he told me to shoot him an email update with any questions and what's going on. 

The summary of how I'm doing is this-fatigue, insomnia, and concentration are still resistant. They are holding on strong. I am not sleeping as well as I did when I was staying at the clinic. That sleep only lasted a few days after leaving. Fatigue has been much better than before on average.

His response was its probably heavy metals I'm still detoxing. He recommended a product called Chelex to help detoxify those.

(Note this is a fraction of what I said and how he responded)

I am excited to go back to the HC, I am doing much better than before. I am not hasitling over trying to find a new herb or treatment to try on myself. I am truly healthier than I was pre-Hansa treatment.

But I still have work to do. My sleep is not consistent, my fatigue is holding on, and my concentration is all over the place. Plus I still can't exercise(which I forgot to mention to Dr.J...)

I don't know how many visits it will take. I hope it only takes this one more in a month but who knows. I am trying to stay focused on my life and my progress more so how much longer I will have to be visiting doctors and taking pills and remedies.

Guess What!

 Hey you guys!
I just came back from a school trip to the beach! It was so nice to get away, even if school was involved the whole time it was still great.

During this trip I remained on all meds but couldn't do the sauna at all or detox baths. The amazing thing is I feel better now than before I left. My acne is 98% clear, my energy and motivation is way up,  and wait for it....I've been sleeping almost like a normal person. Who else is shocked?? Get this, I ate junk all week long. The only healthy foods I ate were oranges. That's it, the rest was sandwiches, processed meat, synthetic crap foods(think chips/cheese puffs/yogurt), and cereal. I even had plain old processed, pasteurized cow milk on my cereal in the morning.

If you aren't surprised of my progress after that I'll be shocked again...

I have no idea what did it. Could have been the positive energy and the adrenalin (my first guess), all of the sunlight, being in a different environment, or even simply because I didn't dwell on the fact I was eating nutrientless food.
I noticed I was feeling different and acne clearing probably the second day. I didn't really get into the sun until the fourth and fifth day so I know it isn't fully responsible.

Ya know what though? I don't question it. I feel better, I exercised and played soccer with minimal inhibitance (even impressed someone), and I have been able to wake up early and go to bed on time without issue. Not seeing a problem here.

I praise God for this improvement and protection from the toxins that can harm my progress.

November 1!

Its the first day of November! The leaves are falling and its starting to get cool. The best part is the ticks start disappearing, so its safe to stay outside with minimal fear:)

I have some good news for a change. I went to sleep at my usual 3:00 am this morning instead of 6:00am! So it was definitely the Dopalift that was keeping me awake.
I skipped it again today, so I should sleep tonight. I am going to try the DL one more time, this time I am going to start fresh. Before my first dose was 7pm, so the dose of day 1 probably overlapped on day 2 and so on. I don't know what the half life of DL is, with it beings herbs I don't even know how that works.

So tomorrow when I restart dose #1 will be at 8:00am. Maybe this will be enough time for the caffeine to exit my system and allow me to sleep. I am going to try it for two days. If it keeps me up, I will talk to the ND and see if he has an alternative.

Another thing I have been looking for is info on brucella. Last week I showed positive for it at the ND, which has never happened.
I found this.
It looks like essential oils are beneficial for this! I actually have all of these so this should be easy.

Sorry for another short post, my brain fog is better than yesterday but its still going strong...

Until tomorrow