Its Fall

 Hello my little corner of the internet! Long time no speak, i'm still alive I promise!

I am nearing the end of my third quarter of chiropractic school! Next month I will be three quarters down, eleven more to go! 

In school I have joined the Applied Kinesiology club (AK) and have begun going to seminars to learn the subject the best I can. For those familar with AK and my story, AK played a significant roll in my healing journey. AK and CPK are two subjects my lyme doc is well versed in, and I personally one day would like to also master the subject. I still have a ways to go, like with anything the further into a subject I go, the more I realize there is too know. All in all school has been great but it is a full time schedule. Seminars on some weekends, 7a, classes 3x a week, 32.5 credit hours. Not much down time! Plus I am still making it to the gym, my current goal is 3x a week. I usually save it for the last activity of the day before dinner. 

As far as my health and lyme and PANDAS are all concerned, I am still doing well. I have moments where my fatigue slows me down, or I struggle to get a decent nights sleep. A couple months back I found a local place where I can get IV C again, I did my 3rd yesterday. Each visit I have gone up in dose, my first was 10grams, then 25grams, then yesterday was 50grams. The first two really brought my energy back up and lasted. I felt great! The 50g yesterday may have been a big jump, today I have been worn out but granted there are many reasons for this to be possible. 

I have noticed, comparing myself to other students, that I am not always to keep up with others as far as how quickly I learn. Some students here I would describe as being truly brilliant, not that anyone here would be described as "dumb" but some people can pickup new things very quickly. I am nothing but impressed, I just have to remind myself that I have a different learning style than other people. I am also far from the only one who has to put in real effort to learn new things.

One thing I learned about the chiropractic field, a lot of people do not choose chiropractic as their first career choice. A lot of students ended up here for other reasons besides " I just knew I wanted to be a chiropractor". To clarify, I do not think there is anything wrong with this, its just an observation. I have known for years what direction I wanted to go in with my life. 

My roommate for example wanted to be a dentist first, another friend of mine was in veterinarian school and decided she didn't like the field as much as she thought, another guy decided he needed to go back to school and this was a good place to go. Everyone has a different reason to be here, but I did find it odd a whole lot of students never even went to the chiropractor before becoming a student here. Not once. 

I have a lot of thoughts on this haha, but for now I will keep them to myself. I think in part some people thought it would be an easy way to get the doctor title added to their name, or bone popping sounds like fun, I don't know. I do know, there are a lot more benefits and meaning behind chiropractic than I thought there was. 

It is amazing to me, to look back and see the journey that God has placed me on. The pathway that taught me the patience to reach for more information and the caring spirit to want to help others. If I was in this just because I wanted to be a doctor, Im not sure I could do it. I am looking forward to learning all that is available to me and the options I will have for when I reach practice. 

Who Stands in Your Court

 I Have Something On My Mind

So recently a few of my friends as well as my mom have pointed out to me that I like to make friends with people who are uh, projects. People who maybe come from a rougher background, I'm not saying your generic thought of "rough". Like a tattoo'd biker or a something similar, but I do make friends with people who have had struggles. 

I can have issues relating to people who have not been through a ton, which granted is not actually that many people, almost everyone has been through something major. One of my close friends texted me yesterday morning that his dad passed away. His dad was a little older and in extremely poor health, in my non expert opinion it was amazing his dad lived this long. In the 5-10 years I have known this friend, his dad has been in bad shape. His dad was in a trucking incident in the 80's and had some severe back injuries from what I have been told. Due to his decline recently and overall very poor health, my friends dad ended up with an internal MRSA infection and that was more than he could take. I feel so bad for my friend, I spoke with him on the phone and we just talked for a while to keep his mind somewhere else. Now, heres the plot twist, my friend has always had to take care of both of his grandparents as well as his two grandparents the entire time I have known him. He has been in college since I was in high school, because he has had to stop and start school and take a decreased load depending on the care he had to provide to his family. He fed them, drove them around, cleaned them, made all of their medical phone calls, worked (as he could). Never stopped or questioned it. His mom died a few years back from congestive heart failure, he took care of the funeral and made all of those arrangements. His grandmother died right after, about three weeks different. That too was on him. Now his dad has died, without any form of life insurance so once again. It is on him. Now he just has one grandmother left, who again, is completely reliant on him. He is an only child and one of the only family members around. He's told me about a cousin or two who have helped out when there is absolutely no other option. My friend has selflessly taken care of his family his entire life and basically known no other than taking care of these people, and I look up to this quality in him so much. When we talked on the phone tonight he told me he still cannot believe his dad is gone. He knew deep down the time was coming, he saw some signs but he was under the care of doctors and his dads health was poor. 

It just astounds me the selflessness my friend has had. I know I wont ever know the entire story and nor do I want to. I know his parents were a big loving support for him and always encouraged him through his life goals. But as cold as it sounds, and I cannot ever believe I would say something like this because it just isnt right, but now my friend may actually be able to breathe a little and take care of his life. His own health has been very bad because he has to neglect himself to make time for his family. He has put his own hopes and dreams on the back burner more times over than I could count. He can finally be himself in the fact he will be able to finish his college degree (I hope and assume) and will be able to have time to dedicate to his own life. This sounds selfish on one hand, but my friend has never known anything else and maybe he can succeed a little more without being responsible for so many people. 

My friend had back surgery in August of 2020, he was doing well but in the last two months he's been in a lot of pain and has had tingling and dizziness. He has not felt well at all and still has not been able to return to his job (meaning no income at this point, I thought he could get unemployment or something but so far. no). I believe he had two discs replaced (he's only in his late 20's), which is major. 

He has people he can lean on for support. He no longer lives at home where his father and grandmother were, and he has found people he can rely on some to be there for him. So he is not completely alone, I help out as much as I can but I can only do so much on my own plus the geographic distance since I moved to school.

This is just one example of the type of people I make friends with, I have known this friend somewhere between 5-10 years. Im not even sure. I have more examples of "projects"and I have realised the sort of people I tend to trend towards.

Another friend of mine recently asked me why I try to pour so much into people, especially when they are people who are more transient where I may personally get nothing or very little out of it. I said, I have been loved so much and I just need to pay it forward. We do not live an even life, life isnt fair. You always hear "YOLO" or "take care of yourself dont worry about anyone else". Then we wonder why we live in a lonely, cold world. If we do not open our hearts and try to love everyone and treat them the best we can, how can we expect them in return? 

It was odd being asked that, because I really do not ever put this sort of thing into words. Usually I just try to be as nice as possible and try to treat people as Jesus would have wanted. Love, kindness, and listening sure does go a long way. In some ways its second nature to me, but I do try to balance myself out so that I am not only taking care of others and wearing myself down.

I do not consider myself a super nice person or super humble either. I am capable of both, sure, but I would not say that I just am either of those two qualities. I can be selfish like anyone else, but recently some of my "project" friends have pointed out to me that I do treat people different than other people do. I did not entirely know how to take that, but as odd as it is, more than anything I pray that they take a similar mentality of paying it forward and showing the people they come into contact with love, kindness, and a listening ear. 

We are living in a world where it is more PC to take a selfish day and ignore others, than it is to take a day and check on those we love. And that, is warped. 

Kansas March 2021

I am back in Kansas once again!

This will be my last visit before starting grad school in a few weeks!

I saw the doctor yesterday and today so far. He’s pleased with how I’ve held the progress but I think he was hoping for a little more. I still have a fair bit of high inflammation markers he would like to see come down a notch or two, and these markers do make sense of why I have had some residual symptoms that haven’t disappeared. 

After going through my lab work yesterday, he pulled me off all my supplements and said it’s time for a fresh start. I kept a couple things for sleep and autoimmune, 3-4 total. That’s it, the rest will be changed this week. 

One big positive that did happen, is my autoimmune markers have gone down to zero for the first time in years. That can be tricky to happen, some people have markers forever regardless of how they feel. Hopefully that sticks.

Today he worked on my kidneys and some detoxing. He said I have too much estrogen in my system showing up, as well as mycoplasma and metal. He put me on 4 things to clear those issues out. He said it looks like my kidneys are having to work over time to get everything done. Tomorrow we will work on a few more detoxification things to see what else can be cleared out of my system.

Overall, it has been a good visit. I have high expectations for how this will go. I talked to him about my stressed and psychological things. He said therapy could be a very beneficial thing for me to try out and it may help a lot, because I do have a lot of old baggage that needs to go. He said he will do his best with what he can help clear out energetically and get my body to the point where it can let go, without holding onto things. Interesting when estrogen showed up as an issue I thought well yea, that could certainly be causing me emotional distress if there’s too much in my system. I felt like that was a solid point in the right direction from the start.

Mind Body Soul and Spirit

 How Do We treat Ourselves?

I think we often ignore that when it comes to "ourselves" or our "being" we are more than just a physical body. We have more than just our body to take care of, our life is about more than food and sleep. Are we healthy or are we sick?

The absence of disease is not the presence of health. 

Just because we are not feeling sick does not mean we are treating ourselves like we are meant to be treated. I know I have been going through this lately and have tried to ignore it. I have been talking to my mom about some of whats been going on in my world and the things that have been weighing me down. I have allowed a lot to accumulate, even though it was not on purpose and I thought I was making more progress than I was. I have been ignoring my spirit a lot, probably because it has been broken so many times in the past it is easy to push it away. People from the past still stick with me and it bothers me, its not just one person or one comment. Its a few things that haunt me, for whatever reason. I have prayed plenty on the subject but I am at the point where I need to be putting in more than just prayers, I need to find a therapist. 

We as a society look past our soul and spirit so much, we dont take care of them very well. Its easy to see why, if we dont have a safe place, we dont eat or drink-we die very quickly. Our spirits are more resilient than our body, it lasts through more abuse. But it cant last forever on abuse. I try my hardest to keep my relationship with God as it should be, but I make some mistakes that I prefer I didnt. I get angry and upset. My spirit has been damaged. I know it can be repaired, I just need to move it up my priority list.

Talking to my mom today made me really think about how much we forget to take care of ourselves, our whole being. 

March 2021 Update

 Good Evening!

It has been a little bit since I have said all that much. Up until February I had been doing very well.  I am not doing poorly but I could be doing a little better.

I have found myself constantly feeling wound up again with some anxiety. A month ago I had a full blown panic attack while driving, a few friends came over and checked on me. I was a mental wreck at that point. I haven't had a panic attack in a year or two, so I did not entirely recognize it coming on. I noticed it was feeling harder to breathe and I was starting to feel off. Then I noticed I would stop breathing and I could not make myself breathe, then the hyperventilating started. I knew exactly what was happening at that point. I made it home and just collapsed on the bathroom floor, like I used to do. Not exactly an old routine I wish to return too. The good news is the full blown panic attack was a single incident. The bad news is that the anxiety has been more frequent and I have stayed keyed up. 

When this starts to happen, I start loosing my memory and chunks of time become hard to recall. I really hate that, I work hard to relax and take care of myself. I try to find enjoyment in all I can, anxiety does too good of a job at taking that away. With anxiety comes the OCD, which means obsessions, and over thinking and staying awake all night. I really hate that. 

I know something is off when I start getting quieter and I find it harder to maintain a conversation. I start getting trapped in my own head. 

I have a lot of change coming up. I move at the end of this month to start grad school at the beginning of next month! I am very excited but I am a little scared, this will be my first time living away from home and living in an entirely new environment. I don't think thats the cause of whats thrown my balance off, but i'm sure its not helping it. 

In the last several weeks I have started using the Calm app and I really like it. I use it every night before bed and it does help. Sometimes it helps more than others. 

I know a lot of the things that have made me anxious are old things, from years ago. People, incidents, my health, things of that nature. I know I have to start working on this stuff, since obviously time didn't heal some things for me. The PTSD factor of lyme is still floating around I guess. It was about this time either 3 or 4 years ago that I ended up with scarlet fever that caused my panic disorder, so maybe its a mental anniversary thing for me.

I need to find a therapist. Its easy to ignore the bad and the old when im feeling great and doing all the things I want to be doing. Plus with staying busy, it makes it easier to ignore some things. I know better though, I just need to push myself to go to a therapist. I spoke to a friend of mine and she gave me some names, its my turn to start making phone calls and find what I need. Sometimes I forget how much my body has been through, the old traumas wont disappear overnight unfortunately. 

Dont get me wrong, I really have been doing well. I still go to the gym 3-4x a week and Im still eating better than a few years ago. Im just a little bit side tracked at the moment and need some sort of remediation.

In other news Im in Kansas for my usual March checkup. I see my doctor on Monday (two days from now) and I plan on having some loooong talks with him. I suspect he will have some solutions just like in the past, I am excited to make new progress. 

Campus Tour

 I Toured my Soon to be College Campus!

This morning was amazing! My mom and I went and toured my soon to be college, I will start in April. I was able to meet people and see the classrooms and apartments. It was great! The people on campus, staff and students were the nicest people. They all told their story briefly, and everyone of them had a story. The college, being a chiropractic school, is multinational big time. One of our guides was from Puerto Rico and another was from Berlin, Germany. One was raised by a chiropractor, the other had a neck injury when he was a teenager and was inspired when he was healed by a chiro. In Germany, he said there are only around 120 chiropractors for the whole country-so not very many at all. I bet theres that many within 75 miles of me LOL. 

I felt like I was around other people who got it, people who are living with a purpose and dedicated to helping others. All of the teachers on campus are either DC, MD, PHD or a combination. One teacher that toured us around was from Egypt, he was both an MD and DC. He did not entirely give his story, but he seemed very fascinated by people. 

One of our tour guides, we were her last tour before she graduates, she had a back injury when she was a teenager and took the medical route. It didn't work for her and she was miserable, she lived with her issues for a long time but when she reached her early 30's she decided to go back to school and ended up at this one. She told my mom and I how she was pushed into it all, by God, how it all just landed into place and how she ended up in the chiropractic field. Pretty much all of the students who spoke said similar, they felt that this is where they were supposed to be and it was not an accident. Imagine being around that many like minded people who all believe that they are actually serving a purpose, rather than living aimless!

Talking to this tour guid though, she almost made me cry. When I told her my story, and I was only able to share a fraction of it with her, all she said was "oh my God" and she got it. She could see all I had been through and didn't question it. And she said to me "you keep sharing your story and never stop. Remember your why. Share your story often, it will mean so much.".

I have never felt like this before, but I felt like someone put such a strong value on my purpose to help others. No one tried to critique it, question it or tell me there was something wrong. I always shy away from sharing my story too much, I don't want to over share or make it seem like I have been through more than the next person. I never want to let someone feel bellow me because their story is different from mine. But this lady made sure to show me, that I am adding a value rather than substituting someone else out. How often do you hear a doctor, not talking over or trying to explain why they are right and you are wrong?? The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear "doctor" is someone who is smart but not wise, someone who tends to be snotty and a bit holier than thou. I did not get that feeling at all with any of these people today. 

This was a way different feeling from my undergraduate, the whole campus. It was a lot cleaner, a lot friendlier, a bit smaller. It will be another hard journey, making it through and passing all the boards, but I can do it. I have to do it. The environment will be much more positive than my undergrad though, because the nice thing about grad school is that most everyone that is there, wants to be there. It is more than just a means to an end, its a foundational beginning. 

First Decade with Lyme

 Ten Years Today!

On this day, ten years ago was when my life changed and I learned what it meant to be seriously ill. I broke my arm, had lyme in my body (unknowingly) and my health spiraled from there on out.

UNTIL I went to the lyme clinic in Kansas. Today, I feel like I am just as happy and just as able bodied as before I was sick. I feel great, I do all kinds of activities these days. Im still pushing at the gym, even though progress is slow. I go to visit my soon-to-be graduate school this weekend to see where Ill be living for the next four years of my life starting in April. 

I have a lot to look forward too outside of my health these days. Not every lyme patient is given this fortunate of an opportunity to move on with their life. I still take supplements, I take some things for autoimmune and for methylation and sleep. Which may seem like a lot, but considering these items work well enough that one skipped day makes me feel different, I feel like they count for a lot. 

I had a set of labs done in mid December 2020, my ANA was checked (autoimmune factors) plus standard CBC and lipids. I still have no cholesterol, that one stumps my lyme doctor to no end. He's given me stuff for my stomach/gallbladder/liver and changed things over and over and my body refuses to make cholesterol. My ANA is going down, its at the lowest it can be without being negative-which is fantastic. ANA may never test negative again, but as long as I feel well and the markers are rock bottom I do not really have anything to care about. I take two Apex Energetics products, Trizomal Glutathione and Nitric Balance and personally I think those two items are what have pushed my autoimmune down to a safe level. I still have kept on a regular dose on these two items, I have yet to drop down to a maintenance dose.

I run pretty hard, between my mildly questionable sleep schedule, work stress (recently quit my job of 5.5 years-but thats a story for another day), projects, the gym, planning for grad school and having a social life-I don't keep much down time. I enjoy staying busy because I was not able to for so long in my life. BUT with this, comes a price, I have  to take care of my body. I have to take my vitamins, I have to put myself in bed by a decent time in the evening, and I have to limit junk food. I also have to manage stress (people without chronic illness could be doing better in this category too!). If I stay consistent with these items I feel great and life is good. 

Yes I still have occasional days where I am not motivated and I do not want to do anything, but I attribute it to running hard more so than lyme. I do not have aches and pains associated with lyme, dizziness has been gone forever. 

Ten years ago, if someone said I was one day going to be going to chiropractic school to become a doctor because I had struggled with pain and disease for so long I wouldn't have believed it. I wanted to do some sort of sports, I wanted to get a degree in marine biology after high school. Instead I am going an entirely different direction in my life and I love it. 

I look back and this time has gone by so quickly, but I have not forgotten how terrible some of it was. I remember a few years ago how painful my anxiety and OCD was, that time period feels like it lasted forever. I was seriously afraid that would never end, that was a nightmare and nothing more. The early years with lyme, I spent trying to convince my parents and doctors that I had lyme and what having lyme meant. That was a long process in itself, its a complicated disease to explain to someone whose never had this sort of health issue. I am convinced, through my uncountable conversations with others about health, that lyme and co-infections are a category all in their own. Its not like cancer, it can be similar to autoimmune disease but at the same time it can be the cause of autoimmune, its different from thyroid disorders, its not even close to diabetes-just for some examples. 

I have so so much to be grateful for, my teachers, especially my psych teachers in college. They taught me so much on what it means to be able to manage stress and why its important. My whole journey has taught me about being compassionate and caring for others. 

Im glad im going into the next decade feeling like I have a sturdy ground to stand on, and I have God to thank for that more than anything else. 

Five Years Online

 Thankfulness

It just occured to me that last month was the 5th birthday of my blog! I cannot believe I have been writing for this long and that people actually read what I share.

I have so much to be grateful for, my life has changed for the positive significantly.

This week has been good for me for the most part but some friends of mine have not had as great of a Thanksgiving week. My neighbor died early this morning, this man had been like an extra grandparent to me but due to his declining health over the last few years we have seen him less and less. Another neighbor, who recently moved away, called us a week or two ago and told my mom how bad the neighbor had gotten and that he had reached the point where it may be better for him to pass on rather than hold on. That is always tragic news to hear, on one hand it sounds cold but on another it does make sense. Us believers have no reason to fear death, the Bible has told us many times over that we will have more to be grateful for in the next life than we ever will have on this earth. Still, the change and loss for my neighbors family will be very great this Christmas season. 

Another friend of mine, her grandmother died a few days ago. She said they were not terribly close but it was still sad. She said they had a lot of fond memories from when she was little. Again, a very sad season to lose someone. Her grandmother had been in poor health for months and the doctors in the hospitals could never come to a conclusion. 

This whole year seems like it has been filled with loss and limits. Don't do this, you can't do that. People have lost their lives, and people have lost friends due to the growing anger in the world.

I continue to count my blessings and remember all the things I have to be grateful for. I am very thankful that my family and friends have all been healthy for the most part. I am grateful I have not lost anyone this year and I pray that this holds true next year as well. 

I Got In

 I Have Some News!!!

Last week I recieved an important phone call, the person on the other line gave me some very important news that I have long awaited for. Today I received a letter in the mail, and I could finally see the good news in black and white.

I got into graduate school!! I will begin attending chiropractic school next year! My opportunity to officially join the alternative health community has happened, I will be more than the technician and a phone call answerer that I am now!!

I applied for the Spring Quarter starting in April of 2021, but the admissions lady that called me extended the invite to join the school in January instead. I have no yet given her my choice, its only been a few days, but I will probably hold out and start in April. I would love love love to start sooner, but I shouldn't rush into things and change my original plans. I have some things I need to do before I dedicate my life to school even more than I already have. I want to visit some friends, I want to do some traveling (though the current state of the world may inhibit that...) and I want to enjoy time off from formal education for a little bit.

For those who are not familiar with how the standard chiropractic program operates, it is 14 quarters. Roughly 9 weeks on with 1 week breaks in between each quarter, year round-with a little extra time at Christmas. The first two years are much like medical school, lots of science courses-read...THE hard courses. The last two years, adjustments, techniques, radiology and the like are taught. Again, its not easy anywhere along the way, but from what i'm told its just like undergrad. Some classes will be long and painful, others will be fairly easy (again. in comparison). Ive talked to some chiropractors around town about their education process, one man whose been in the business for a couple decades said when he went to chiropractic college it was a 12 quarter program, or roughly 3 years instead of 4-it has become more dense and difficult in the modern day. 

I am so, so proud of my lyme doctor for helping me reach this point in my life. When I was in high school, my parents pushed me to duel enroll in college, because in my state it is free college-the state pays it. I remember being absolutely miserable. My brain fog was in full swing, class was a blur, the teachers were great but I physically and mentally just barely made it through. And that was freshman classes, not hard classes yet!

Now here I am excited and ready to jump into a graduate program which I already know will be more intense and I cannot wait. I feel like I am already ready and prepared, good to go! I don't really dread it, knowing that it will be intense and will wear me out at times. I just cannot believe I have reached the point in my life where I can be excited for school and want to do more.

I have so, so, so much to be grateful for. My health, my clear (enough) brain, my energy, my physical strength, my family, my support system, my doctor, my drive (def. from God, not from me), my ability to realize that  what I have been given time and time again is a gift from God. I have made it a long way, sometimes I had to be pushed, sometimes I was pushing myself.

New Era

The beginning of a new era is on my calendar. In the past, oftentimes things in the future were scary, this time it's exciting. I have one more trip planned to go see my lyme doctor in March, the way I feel right now I probably could skip it and keep going but due to the nature of the schooling I do not know when I will have free time again to take a week or so to fly out to Kansas. So March it is!

I will of course continue to write here, I know I have been fairly quiet. If I am not mistaken google has pushed the blogger platform back some and made it less advertised online, so I know my posts on this platform are not as shared as they once were from standard google searches. But even so, I will continue to journal and share the things I learn along the way. I started this blog to catalogue my life, I see no reason to stop just because I am feeling better. I have seen so many lyme blogs end abruptly with no reason given, and you never know what happened. Did they get better? Did they stay better? Did they actually get their life back or was it only an improvement?

I want to show what it is like to beat chronic lyme and keep going with my life.

I was telling my dear friend that I feel that with this acceptance, I can actually accept this dream rather than fear losing it. Because with chronic disease, it can be so hard to dream for fear of getting let down again. 

Anyway, just wanted to share my most recent good news!!

Fall Update 2020

 Happy October!

Well. I guess its pretty much November at this point, but either way I finally made it back to writing a post. 

In short, life is good! Ive tried to make that my catchphrase, cause now that I am on the other side, I can see that most "problems" aren't really problems. Little things can add up and make for a stressful day, yes, but its important to just move on when the day is over. Write it out, pray on it, keep swimming.

One of my friends has commented towards me several times that I am "fearless", from things that I see as little things that did not stress me out or bother me. I was with this friend recently, in his car, and we got hit by a deer at 10:30pm. I saw it, he didn't. My heart never even raced, I just turned to him and said "we hit a deer". He however, pretty flustered!

I think we all know I am not fearless, go back about a year or two's of posts and my fears are painted all over. But my coping and perspective on the world has expanded, and with my health becoming more "normal" my mind and my body match. I know today's problem, will not be tomorrow's problem.

I have noticed working with others with chronic disease, stress management is something they ignore time and time again. Whereas for me, stress management I think ended up being one of my pieces of treatment. 

Stress is terrible for the immune system. Remember that.

The Gym

I still hit it hard at the gym 4-5 times a week consistently! Just being able to do this still  makes me happy, because I couldn't exercise at all for a long portion of my life. Years. Now I can jump in and try new things. I am getting stronger. Weight gain is slow and mildly plateaued, that is one of my current projects I am working on breaking through. I eat more now than a year ago for sure, which is huge for me! I eat a ton more now than two years ago. While I am grateful, I must say, I still need to eat more. I should be eating 2300 cal a day minimum. I probably eat 1700 a day, maybe less some days. Which is better than the 800-1100 previous, but still gotta keep at it!

I have made enough progress at the gym now that friends notice and people can tell I am working on making my body stronger. Whenever someone says that they can see a difference, I know I am doing what I am supposed to and I am finally making visible, tangible progress on my body that the outside world can see. 

School

One month left and I will have my bachelors in psychology!! I could not be more excited. I made straight A's in my summer courses and received a letter from the school, I forget what they called it, but I made the next rank up above Deans List for the summer semester! I am SOOOOO close to doing that again one last time for my semester now. I think I can pull it off, but I still have some work to do. 

I have applied to grad school, just waiting on some responses! I have strongly considered doing my Masters in psychology as well as my doctorate in chiropractic. The amount of courses is a bit overwhelming to think about, but I think one day I will go through with it and have both degrees. Chiropractic is the first priority.

Life

I would say life is good, I am happy. I have bits of depression here and there but its always temporary. I still use the sauna and I eat healthy. I do morning smoothies with veggies, berries and protein almost every day! I did have a bout of anxiety a few weeks ago which was out of the blue, no particular reason that I know of but it just happened. I made sure I was conscious of my eating and sleeping, it passed on its own without any extra effort. When our bodies are treated right, issues can begin to solve themselves! As someone whose had to take a supplement or three for everything over the last...almost decade, I appreciate my body doing the work for me without the need for one more pill.

It is nice spending my week like a "normal" person, thinking about work, school, which friend or two will I get to spend time with, how much time will I have at the gym. I know I have written in the past about how I hated having to dedicate my life to pill taking, doctors visits, struggling with anxiety and OCD shaping my days. It is nice going to work and otherwise being able to use my time as I wish. 

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a solid friend group that I love and appreciate, work is going alright, I am about to finish my first degree, my body is functioning well! I count my blessings often, cause I know how bad life can be

Higher Purpose

 I Want To Share

What helped me through my journey. In the lyme community as a whole, there is a collective feeling of being trapped. Lyme patients, in my opinion, often do not get their health back 100%. I know I was discouraged along the way by fellow lyme patients. Why? To cope? I do not know. Treatment is expensive no matter what route one takes. Some people cannot get better because they cannot afford the stockpile of meds. I remember being told "you may get better, but lyme will always be there causing problems at least a little bit. You cannot get over it."

I hated being told that, I was told that by someone whose opinion I did value. This person is the one who clued me off as to what lyme was, before them I had never heard of lyme disease (what a time in my life to remember!). They taught me a lot, they pushed me in the direction of reading and research. She told me about Cure Unknown by Pamela Weintraub, I *think* that was the first, if not at least one of the first books I ever opened that covered the topic of what is called Lyme Disease. I jumped in and read further, I read more books, I read some books more than once. I became a young adult who was now informed and well developed in their opinion on tick borne illnesses. Somewhere on here I have written specifically on what books I have read and what I thought about them, truth is, if you are not researching on your own to understand how lyme and its treatment works, you could be setting yourself up for failure. Being a nerd saved me, or so I think!

The mentality that I hope I have shared on my blog over the years, I hope, has conveyed positivity and perseverance. Anyone can chose to quit trying and stop searching for the next answer. Anyone can give up their hope. Anyone can lose their faith in God, that everything happens for a reason. 

It takes a stronger person to take on the fighter mentality of I cannot quit. At some point, during the sucking and the suffering and the absolute terror that chronic disease had caused me I realized-I will only ever have one human body. One. I may not can choose what events happen, such as contracting an illness or injury. But I can and should actively make choices, mindful thought-out choices, on how I am going to treat my body. I choose what I put into it. I choose what I put it through. I make choices on what time I wake up and what time I go to sleep. All of these things can make or break a treatment protocol of any kind.

If you want to continuously have pain, continuously have fatigue, just skip out on sleeping. Even if you are an insomniac-get in bed. Turn the lights off. Put on relaxing music or a video to listen to (not watch. no screen!). Weeks/months/years down the road when the neurological burden is reduced, normalized sleep will return. On a sleepless night this whole no tv or light thing is stupid boring. Yes. But training our brains for the correct sleeping pattern is beneficial because one day, our body will listen.

Diet. Everyones favorite four letter word. I followed the 80/20 rule for the most part. Some times I had to be more strict, other times I broke loose. 80% good, healthy, anti-inflammatory foods. 20% less than ideal dietary choices. Remember, results aren't instant. Waiting to feel results could take more than an extended amount of time.

Finally I would like to add-patience. Pray. Hold on tight. Some people get better, some people don't, its just the nature of the beast-but I believe with proper treatment everyone can make progress. 

Its easy to take a pill or few a couple times a day, it's easy because it does not take a significant amount of thought space to plan out taking the pills as compared to planning healthy meals, planning to be in bed, planning to exercise (then come up with what exercise to do). The more thought space something takes, the less time we really want to dedicate to it, as chronic illness patients, sometimes we have no thought space to spend. It is hard and we all fail somewhere along the way. What counts is the process of making a choices on how to react to our failure. Choosing is the operative word here.

Writing

I write to share my experience because it can be hard to find hope in the world. I believe that we live in a fallen world that is only degrading further. I do not believe that a magic pill is going to pop up to cure chronic lyme disease. I would love to be wrong, it could happen. But do not wait on someone else to solve the problem. 

I have drawn much of my hope from other lyme sufferers and I believe that it is my duty to share my experience for those who are still trapped in the dark ball of feeling like death incarnate. Yolanda Hadid is probably one of my favorite Lyme advocates. Her book, Believe Me, is the greatest illustration of what a person with chronic Lyme struggles with. She details that money was not her answer, she had much more financial resources than 99% of people with chronic disease and she still suffered for over a decade. Her mentality is something that, in my opinion, is unmatched by the average person suffering with a disease. She was not the victim, she did not quit, she did not give up. Perseverance kept her going, her children kept her going, she found the things she needed to make her life what she wanted despite severe physical suffering. That is so hard, it doesn't happen overnight, it takes failure and people as a whole tend to fear failure. Keep going and you will never truly fail. 

I believe that one day I will write a book or do something more involved and formal than write a blogger blog, to out reach to those who are trapped in the cycle of chronic disease. I also believe that today, in August of 2020, I am not at that point in my life. I know that I have more goals I want to reach before I can look back and say-not only did I beat Lyme+autoimmune disease but I achieved what Lyme tried to take from me.

Part of what motivates and drives me is knowing that I still have so many goals I want to achieve. Lyme sure did hit a big pause button on what I wanted to do with my life. I was not an athlete of any kind in school, I was one of the smartest until I could no longer think at all, I certainly was no writer. I want to grow my knowledge in psychology and work on being motivational for those who want to give away their hope, I do not think that there can ever be enough motivation. I want to build my body up, I want to feel physically strong, I have never really felt that (and if I ever did, I can't remember that time anymore). 

I feel that these are solid goals to work towards now that I do not chronically suffer from disease. 

I want to share these two videos with you all. I re-watched them this evening for the first time in ages. I was anything but disappointed!

Yolanda Hadid at the Lyme LRA Gala:

Ally Hilfiger -Living the Lyme Life feat. Bella Hadid

Week with the Doctor

Just Completed my Second Week at the Clinic for the Year

I spent the week with the doctor, this is the second trip this year.

It went extremely well, my test results as a whole have stayed consistent and I haven't gotten any worse from the last time I visited the clinic. I have been feeling great, going to the gym 4-5x a week, i've been sleeping well, had decent energy, and for the most part feeling normal. He is happy with the progress I have made since my visit in March, once again he said there is no lyme or pathogen's in my system causing me issues, its just a matter of cleaning up the damage that the lyme has left.

Since this time last year, I have gained around 20lbs, which is a big deal for me. I still need to gain more but it is not something I need to worry too much on. This week the doctor did spend some time focusing on my gut so that in theory I can start eating more sooner rather than later. He is not too discouraged by how much I eat, but he does want my appetite to be more consistent (because some days I couldn't care less if I ate or not).

He did work on my gut, brain, lungs, liver and heart this week and that was it. I am taking probably half of the amount of supplements as to what I normally would be taking-which is fantastic. No parasites either, which was a problem forever. Parasite treatment was the worst too!

I am pretty excited, I won't need to see him again until March next year. If it wasn't for my school schedule limiting when I can and cannot go I probably wouldn't go back to the clinic for a year. My March visit next year will probably be the only visit to the clinic next year, which would be the best yet. This year and last, I visited the clinic two per year. Back when I first started going I went 3x the first year, I think 4x the second because I ended up getting very sick (or it may have been the third year...I would have to look back at my notes). In total I have been going for 5 and a half years, which is daunting to think about. Niether my parents, my doctor, or myself thought it would take this long to get my body back to normal. I still struggle with issues here and there, sometimes I do still feel depressed or defeated, I still just get totally worn out sometimes, and I do have to push myself hard to keep my motivation. But. I am doing well. When I have a bad day, I know it will be short lived. Instead of a bad month its just a bad day. I like being able to live my life without really having to think "oh yea, I have lyme disease"

I have made great progress over the last year, I am feeling much better and feeling more normal. I have to say I have one of the best doctors in the world!

I probably will post less on my blog only because I do not have as much to share, but I am not leaving by any stretch. Years ago when I spent so much time reading lyme blogs I found that some would just end, without any idea as to what happened to the writer. Some others would end when the writer started doing better. I want to continue to catalog and share what happens with my life, because Lyme has been a part of my life for so long it has shaped my future.

Because of Lyme I chose to pursue a career in alternative medicine, I will be applying to grad schools in the next month or two. I plan on becoming a chiropractor, I am also considering pursuing a Masters in psychology so that I could be a counselor in addition. In December of this year, I will finally finish my undergraduate degree in psychology. I am super excited for this!

Years ago, in one of my more emotional posts on what lyme can do to ones mental state, I talked about how I felt like it hurt me more to dream about the future because I was not healthy or capable enough to do the things I needed and wanted. I feel like now, I can dream all I want and my body wont be what holds me back. I know psychologically I will struggle a little bit more than others when it comes to some things, but because I know that and I have had some great resources, I will now be able to cope more so than in the past. Brain fog and forgetfulness still happens, it may even be a "normal" amount-truthfully I don't know. My doctor told me that most likely what will happen is that I will start remembering more from here on out, but the things I have forgotten over the years may or may not come back. SO five years from now I will remember this point forward, but some things from five years ago now I may never get back. Which is ok, because I still am making progress.

I have some other "health" goals I need to push for myself that all of us, chronic or not, need to be working on. I have mentioned before about how much my psychology teachers have pushed us to manage our stress, because that will be the prevention we need to keep away from all sorts of ailments. I need to work some more on my spirituality, I have gotten so bad at reading books of any kind because it is hard for me to sit down and read-especially if it is something I want to read to remember. I need to get back into doing some reading and studying, outside of school.

I pray often but I would not say I have been pushing my relationship with God very much as I should be.

I want to continue being able to share with others with lyme or chronic illness that there is hope, ignore what the doctors or naysayers say and push your own pathway towards healing. I have no idea if I will ever have a lyme flair again, I may not or I may have a lot more ahead. Who knows. But what will count is how I handle it mentally, physically and emotionally.

Third Post for the Year

Looks Like I Have Been More Quiet Than I Thought

I am happy to report that no news, is in fact good news! I have been feeling well and staying active!
This last year, especially since post-December 2019 or so, I have felt like my body is not longer struggling like it used to.
Bad days are much more rare than before, I rarely have much pain at all, my sleep is pretty good but most of all consistent.
Sleeping better has made all the difference of course, but getting in the sauna, taking some supplements for autoimmune, and spending time de-stressing has really kept my body steady rather than the traditional ups and downs of "how am I going to feel today".
I go to the gym 3-5 times a week for most weeks, except for a couple of exceptions here and there. I have actually started making strong progress in the gym (at least for my body type). A few months ago I started seeing a personal trainer once a week at my gym, it wasn't vey expensive and I knew it would be a good way to keep myself motivated. Over the last two or so months the trainer has started to get rather impressed with my progress, last week he told me I was making better progress than a lot of the guys he's training around my age. Today I was pushing myself a little extra hard, and part way through the session he just looked at me and said "I think you've now surpassed everyone else. Its a close match between you and one other, but I think you are gaining quicker than my other clients at this point."
That made me excited to hear, because I have been going to the gym for a year and a half or so at this point, and I have made progress and gotten stronger. But now I am feeling well all the time and can count on planning ahead and feeling well for that time I have planned. I want to use part of it to go to the gym, I feel great afterwards and if anything I feel accomplished. Over the last four or so weeks I have really pushed going 4-5 times a week even if it is no longer than 30 minutes, so for him to notice the difference...it made me feel like I really was working hard.

The nice part about this trainer is he is my age and also built super skinny like myself, he is also one that would be considered a "slow gainer". So he notices the progress in a different light compared to the types of guys who can build muscle by looking at a rack of weights.

Kansas
I go back to my lyme doctor next month, its more for maintenance at this point. I could probably survive just fine without it. But due to my school schedule and whatnot, its easier to go ahead and take care of myself when it wont be a stress rather than wait for something to head south.
In total, that will be just two visits with my lyme doc this year. Next year the goal is to go once, maybe twice (again there is a lot to consider). Next year I will hopefully be going to graduate school, so depending on how I handle that will probably determine my outcome more than anything else. I think I will be alright, my spring semester of classes this previous semester was very rough. Very stressful for me, but I recovered and it was not so bad after it ended.
In the past it was hard for my body and mind to recover after a series of long stressful events. For me, chemistry class was a long stressful event.

Ongoing Symptoms
I would say Im pretty much symptom free. I can still feel the full moon sometimes, usually ill feel a lack of motivation and maybe even depression. I would say on and off depression is still my worst symptom. The severity is low but it is something that hangs on here and there, I will have a few weeks or months where life is good and its not really a problem. Then I will have a few weeks or months where it is a problem. Its usually tolerable to deal with, could certainly be worse. The lack of motivation and satisfaction is the worst for me.
Pain is pretty much gone 99% of the time, sleep is better, focus is better, mood is better (and more stable), my ability to handle stress is better, anxiety is 99% gone except for occasions (but at that it never matches what it has in the past), OCD is still around on occasion (but again nothing like it once was). Truthfully, Im doing very well and I have a lot to be thankful for.

Stress Reduction
In school, my most favorite teacher ever, taught use this last semester an amazing way of dealing with and dissolving stress. In the beginning of every class we allllll had to pull out a sheet of paper, date it, and just start writing everything on our mind. Good, bad, whatever.
Then after a minute or two, we stop then write things we are grateful for. Again just for a minute or two. Usually starting with the basics, food, a job, friends, a car, a safe home, etc. then moving on into more complicated or more specific things.
Then stop, and write another paragraph or so of whats on our mind. And go through that rotation a few times.
It made every day brighter, so I have tried my best to incorporate that into my weekly life, it was part of my daily life but I find it difficult to do the same tasks every single day. And I do not always need to decompress like that.
I highly recommend it!! Go try it, I know you're thinking about it. Say it with me, I am grateful for......

Kansas 2020

Last week I was back in Kansas! 

At this point this has become rather a routine, we check in and speak to everyone and talk for a while. Then at some point we go back and see the doctor. Our rental car this time is a bright orange Jeep Wrangler, which is exactly what my doctor drives except his isn't as bright of a... traffic cone orange.

Day 1

 The doctor went over all my many test results and overall was very impressed, I did not really lose any progress since I was last there seven months ago which is a very big deal. Only one thing was a concern on my blood work, my liver enzymes were elevated by a lot, he gave me a few things to take and in a month I will get those rechecked back at home. We could not figure out why my liver could have changed so much. He said my kidneys look perfect for the first time ever, he said for someone with chronic illness to have normal kidney results, is a big deal and its a sign my body is getting back to normal. When the kidneys do not have to over work to maintain baseline minimum, its a good sign!

My thyroid also looked great. No issues there.  After looking at everything he focused on my gut issues, my liver, and a few other things for the week. I had a few odd things out of my usual pattern show up on my blood work that we are going to try to figure out. Overall I am setup for great improvement, through the "grading system" that he has me use to track my symptoms and severity, I need my number to be 50 or lower. Last time it was 80 something, this time it was 68. He said this means I am getting closer to being done with coming to the clinic! The lower the number the better.

 

Day 2

Today the doctor talked to me more about my blood test results. He said due to the recent viral outbreak the lab has released some webinars for the doctors to watch on recognizing viral infections (as a whole), he gave me a list of things that are typically altered when one is sick with a virus. Then he told me the list of things that were off on my blood test, guess what they matched. I had the blood draw on the day I got sick with a virus last week, so he further confirmed that the odd things on my tests were probably due to a viral infection, even the liver enzymes. Considering I no longer have a viral infection, this is all good news.

He worked on inflammation, a fungal issue showing up, and some gut things to further remediate the issues with my body. As a whole he is still pretty happy with how my tests are turning out!

Day 3+4

Yesterday the doctor spent time checking out why my body had so much inflammation, he gave me something to take for inflammation and specifically inflammation in my gut. He's balanced out sensitivities towards mold and some other environmental pollutants that I could come into contact with. 

Today he mainly focused on my gut, for several months I had been eating a lot more and gaining weight. In the last month that has gone away and Im back to not eating except what I have to. He's really focusing on trying to fix that. He added in a few things for my gut, interestingly the stuff he gave me isn't necessarily digestion boosters like digestive enzymes. The supplements are for my gallbladder and for preventing my body from producing too much leptin (hunger suppressing hormone). So the eating issue appears to be partly a hormonal issue rather than a diet or a malfunction. Learn something new every day. 

He went over my updated test results for today, and for the most part my body is working better. The body systems he's trying to support and improve the function of, were reflected in the results-meaning treatment is working as planned.

He told me today, that we had to treat parasites for so long, there would be some gut problems to clean up after. Well the parasites are gone and have been gone, this is the cleanup of the aftermath. After that, he doesn't think there will be anything or much left wrong that I will need treated for!

Day 5

The final day was short and simple as usual, he did some more work for my gut and added another couple supplements. He adjusted my spine so I could be prepared for the flight home, and we socialized for a little bit talking about alternative medicine things as a whole. I like getting his perspective on things and seeing what his experience is with different supplements. Last year we took a family trip to Hawaii (sounds great right?) and the flight there (10hrs) completely wore me out for the whole time we were there and I didnt really enjoy it because I was running on empty the whole time. He suggested that I try a megadose of glutathione before going on a big trip and continue to take it during the trip. He said he does the same and he holds up well. 

So, for now I am on a whole new set of supplements! Making progress and creating positive changes. My body is thankfully (for the most part LOL) not what it used to be! Things are starting to work like they are supposed to and I am becoming more and more human. 

I have a few more things to write but for now, I think this covers the biggest changes!

Nine Years and Still Counting

Today Marks Year Nine

As the above says, today 1/26/20 marks my ninth year of battling Lyme disease. In the beginning I had no idea I had Lyme. I had broken my arm and then never felt well again, I felt this way, then worse and worse for several years before getting any idea as to what was truly wrong with me.
For my full story, see this post from years and years ago.

I look at the last nine years and I almost want to scream, every single year has been different in thousands of ways. Consistency has not been my forté at all for how I have felt with being ill or how I had to deal with the ever rolling stresses handed to me. The first year was the beginning of the stress, I thought I was just sick from a drug interaction or from the stress of breaking multiple bones. Then I got sicker and I thought something more had to be wrong.

Year six and seven were probably the worst of the worst. I discovered anxiety and severe OCD somewhere in that timeline, I learned what starving and not being able to eat meant. I discovered new fears and pains that I had no idea were possible.
I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I complained many times over. I made it.

Year eight was a big changing point, I began exercising for the first time in my life and was able to really begin enjoying it! I began feeling peace and calmness again in my life, something that I felt was gone forever at one point. It felt as if my body had begun "waking up", my alertness began coming back and so did my energy. Consistency starting walking into my life and pain began walking out.

Looking back, I see several people who have come and gone from my life. Some I miss and some I hope have lost my number, and truthfully I do blame lyme and what it did to me for why I left some people behind and why some people left me in the dirt. Necessities breed ingenuity, I had a great need for "real" people in my life. People that just enjoy "fun" on a Friday night and nothing else at all, no longer had a place in my life. Some of these people could not handle how I "felt" all of the time, they did not appreciate how I had too many feelings and that none of these feelings were "fun".
And some of these people I no longer felt like being around because they are rather shallow. Lyme taught me a lot about looking deeper than skin deep and it taught me that what people don't say can be louder than what they do say. I learned to listen to the world going around instead of only hearing what was placed directly in my face, which is hard to explain.

Looking back I can also see how Lyme landed me my job, which I love so much. Lyme shaped my personality into a more caring spirit, I want to work with people who need help and need people to understand. Not just a 9-5 which serves no long term purpose.
I learned that living with a purpose and a meaning was capable of reshaping my entire outlook on life.

Nine years has taught me a lot, I pray that this is the year in which I can say Lyme no longer causes me illness. To be further specific, I pray that the lyme bacteria and the damage that has been done to my body, emotions, and spirit will no longer cause me disease. Year eight has taught me that my patience has begun paying off. I go to the gym all the time, since the beginning of December I have been to the gym on average 4x per week and I have gotten into my sauna 5x per week. These things have made me feel so satisfied and happy. I do not know if its because they are helping me so much, or if I am just that grateful that I can finally exercise on a consistent basis for the first time in my life.

I cant believe I have been sick nearly a decade, it is scary to think about how quickly all of it has burned past. I am grateful though that the last few years went by quickly, because they were nothing short of horrible. If I could never relieve that part of my life, that would be great.

I thank God for all of my progress. I have prayed that I will come out on the otherside healthier and happier than ever before, without trauma and damage. I think that one day this goal will be achieved.

Heres to another benchmark year in which changes and progress and growth will be embraced and welcomed :)

If It Breaks

Broken Things
Send us a big message. Its taken me a while to understand this. As I am working on a degree in psychology, I have been taught more and more on how to notice what is going on inside of myself so that I can better understand what is going on inside of someone else world. When something breaks, that "thing" sends a very broad yet specific message, "time to make a new choice".

Choices are hard, or at least they can be. Humans naturally fear the unknown, why? I haven't taken that class yet. Theres gotta be a reason though, Im sure of it.
Choices can bring fun new things, like choosing to buy something that has taken a while to save up for. Or taking a trip to somewhere that you have always wanted to go too.
Choosing to live in a new town, or even a new state, can be very scary. In that instance, there is a lot of unknown that has to be processed, maybe thats why people tend to live in a more stagnant life.

In my experience, and I have mentioned this many times before, people with a severe chronic illness have been put through some sort of major trauma that played part as a catalyst in their illness.
That is part of the reason I have chosen to earn a degree in psychology, to better understand myself and to better advocate for those who have been through more than they could handle. It can be hard to choose to move on from whatever the trauma was. Personally, I am in the "rebuilding" stage of lyme. I no longer have an active raging infection, it may not be 100% gone but it is no longer tearing my body apart. I have to repair the damage. Over the last few years my doctor has been working on my adrenals and hormones, those seem to being doing well according to my last test results.
My immune system is not leveled out yet, I have been rotating through having a high positive ANA to a negative ANA. ANA is an autoimmune test, it shows if the body is destroying its own tissue somewhere(as I understand it). In March this year my ANA was 1:160, which is a very high + test. In July it was negative, July I was also feeling the best with the least physical complaints. This month it tested at a 1:80, which is a high + but not as severe as the 1:160. Meaning it could be worse, but somewhere in my body I have damage occurring due to my own immune system.

I had to make a choice, I had to choose to take initiative and figure out what I needed to change in my life to push my body in the right direction. I decided to try some high doses of some supplements I had been taking earlier this year when my ANA was normal. I had to choose to realize (and not ignore) that the biggest problem I have is that I just dont handle stress well. I know I dont. A good friend of mine has been telling me about how I need to meditate to calm my mind and I need to do it frequently to keep my body in the right pattern. Have I done that yet? No. Do I know I need to? Yes. I do. I have been doing some deep breathing when I think about it and when I am in the sauna I try to relax and get the world out of my mind. I am pushing myself in the right direction, eventually Ill get there.

Having things "broken" with myself has taught me that choices are important. And ignoring a choice, is by default making a choice. I have learned to ask myself "if it breaks, does it heal?" , because the important things in life that truly matter can either heal or be fixed. Think about it. The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, do I make mistakes? All the time, always will. I try my best but in the end I am human and will make mistakes. (Anyone who cant see that they make mistakes just needs a new mirror to see themselves in). People we care about in life, we hold close and go out of our way to make a priority in our lives. Our hobbies, its easy to pickup a hobby and make it whatever you want to be. My hobby is my old car, I have done all sorts of projects on it to make it "better" and continue to make plans for more projects on the car. I make it a priority in my life because I enjoy it.  If my car breaks, I fix it, not because I "can" but because its an opportunity for me to learn something new.
Reaching the end of the year, I have looked back on some projects and people in my life and thought about how they could have gone different. But in reality I know whatever was suppose to happen, did. Nothing "failed" because I didn't work hard enough or because I "did it wrong". I made choices to move on, because my heart was no longer in it. I have had a few friends who may have been a bit toxic in my life that I pushed away (on purpose) and I have thought to myself, was that the right thing? Sure I could have done some things a bit different but, I made choices. It wont be the last time I have to make some space between myself and others. I had to abandon one of my car projects and sell it on to the next owner, because my heart was no longer in it. That project had morphed into a pit, and that pit sucked all the fun out of it.

Now that the year is coming to an end I am trying to make choices on what I want to do with myself for the next coming year. This time next year I should be graduated with a degree in Psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be facing some big changes then! Good changes! But I know that I myself, need to be a little more prepared than I am for some of the things coming in the future.

IV C

This morning 
Im spending the morning getting an IV of vitamin C, magnesium, and amino acids. In hopes that this will make me feel better. In the past the IV's have helped a lot, my practitioner has been unable to get the glutathione due to company backorder. Which is surprising to me that months later that it is still on back order, but anyway, here we are.
Yesterday at work i used the cold laser on my head for a few minutes to see if that would help, and it did. In the past when anxiety and ocd were severe the laser seemed like it would reduce the severity every time. It works by decreasing inflammation and increasing circulation, which apparently my brain needs.
PANDAS and lyme both cause inflammation in the brain, for one lyme insomnia can be inflammation related. Im wondering if maybe I am going through a PANDAS flair, judging by my symptoms I have been having it wouldnt shock me if the stress from school was causing me to have a flair.
I havent really had any full blown anxiety, but I have noticed I have had a lot of thought fixation, heart racing, fatigue, food tastes bad, low appetite, my stomach has been making weird noises, and I havent felt just right.

Yesterday morning I was feeling terrible, and I was dragging and didnt really want to work or do anything. In the afternoon I did the laser, and by that evening I was feeling much much better and I was able to have fun with some friends. Total flip. Back when I had full on PANDAS I did the laser therapy frequently, I think it may be time to get back to that, at least for the duration of the school year.

I tested myself on the biofeedback machine yesterday, its a machine that can find stresses in the body electronically, my body had stresses towards strep, lyme, chronic inflammation, respiratory virus, and a few other nasty things.
I have been around a bunch of sick people lately, who were diagnosed with a respiratory virus. All over the last two weeks, I partly wonder if maybe my exposure to the virus, could have flipped out my immune system. Instead of me getting a respiratory cough like they did, maybe maybe immune system response made me feel poorly and I ended up with inflammation in my brain instead.
I know in the past when I have had minor symptom flairs, usually it can be traced back to some sick people around me. I dont *normally* get regular sick, like a cold or anything like that. It does happen but not all that often.

I am going Monday to get some blood drawn, its been a while since I have had everything checked out.

Headaches

Ouch

I dont know what ive done, but headaches have been a frequent occurrence for me. Nothing seems to make them completely go away which is also unusual, ive had one all day today, 4 tylenol in so far. A few hours ago I started shaking, and its pretty bad its not just a tremor. Typing is kinda difficult.
Not sure what I did, but I did it!

Yesterday was a decent enough day, I got plenty done and hung out with some friends. It was alright, I wasn't terribly connected but it was fun being out of the house.
I am starting to wonder if I am in some sort of PANDAS flair, though mild. Because over the last few weeks I have been having the PANDAS symptoms. Friday in math class I was nearly crying i was in so much pain. I have been tearing up a lot lately and have been hurting a lot more. My mind hasn't been the greatest, depression has been terrible and I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world.

Ive been contemplating and praying on what I should do to try to fix it, but im not really sure. Ive been taking some natural antibiotics and antiparasitics, they have been giving me a big reaction, so ive dropped back on those. I cant handle a herx right now, but I have been getting in the sauna and I think its been helpful.

Depersonalization

Lets Talk
Ok so my four years or so that I have been writing this blog I have shared (overshared?) on my mental health, which was severely affected by the lyme.

People that know me in person who read this blog, know how secretive I am about all of my mental health issues. Its not that I dont like to talk about it, I just dont want to seem like A complainer. Its easy to over share to a listening ear.
At my worst, I was collapsing from panic and hiding it. I would feel it coming on and I would go hide in the bathroom or shower (if I was home) and wait it out. I was hellbent about letting anyone see my breakdown, Im a save your tears for the pillow kind of person. I think that it is great to have people to share with but I dont think its the greatest to share anything and everything, all the time. Plus I am afraid of letting anyone see me fall apart, why? Not sure.

Earlier this year when I had to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, my brain began recovering and my anxiety began going away as well as my panic and other psychological symptoms. The game began to change and I realized I was beginning to feel like "me" again. I would wake up and I was me, I would go to bed and I was me, I would go to work and I was me. I had forgotten what that felt like, I still dont entirely know how to explain all of it. I dont know how to describe what "I" feel like vs. what "that" felt like. Cold? Dark? Watching from the shadows? Living in a dream? Watching the world go by in technicolor?

I began recovering during the summer and I am still learning to rediscover myself. One odd thing ive done (or at least odd to other people) is that I dont date. At all, ever. Never been on one, never tried. And ive rejected the offers ive gotten (and ive had offers from both genders, but thats a story for another day).
Its scary to look back and realize how much I have forgotten. Its like I can see blank spaces in my memory.
Before the PANDAS I had brain fog and trouble remembering and it was severe at times, but I dont think I felt like I had forgotten chunks of my life.\
Now I think I can say that, now that I have pulled out of the PANDAS nightmare its like I can look back and see myself in this bubble of an outside reality. Its hard to believe that I felt like that, and that my body didnt feel like mine and how I could go to work and function an entirely normal day...except I spent every single minute every day thinking about how I wanted to get out of my body. I wanted to get out of it, I felt cold all the time (emotionally) and I truly didnt enjoy anything.
I had some good days of course, but I had an overwhelming number of scary days where I know that I should have reached out to someone, a professional.

Fast forward to school, this semester. Abnormal psychology class with my favorite teacher ever!
Weekly, we are assigned a case study to read on different mental dissorders. This semester I realised I could relate myself and have a story to tell on probably 85% of the disorders that we covered. OCD, depersonalization, anxiety, panic +agoraphobia, narcissism, phobias, and a few im forgetting.
On the bright side, I did a great job writing and I got some amazing grades and some emails from my professor about how great of a job I have done. But I have talked to her and she knows about my health issues and I have written on them for school, all in all, I learned more about me and the seriousness of what some of what I went through was.
Depersonalisation was one that we covered towards the beginning of the semester, watching the assigned videos and reading the case study was an eye opening moment.
Depersonalization and Multiple personality disorder are related to eachother, usually depersonalsation will happen first and in the worse case scenario a persons personality will split and create "alters" to "protect" them from whatever the initial trauma was.
Multiple personality disorder is extremely rare, <1% of the US population. Often shows up in young kids, not necessarily adults (if I remember correctly).

The class really made me understand what kind of stress my body was under, for me to pull away from "myself" and feel so "gone" and distant, my brain would have had to have been under a heavy assault. I stand in awe today, that I am still here. I am for the most part, OK. Progress is still to be made but ya know what? Im alright.
I thank God. Once again man didn't have any answer as to what was wrong with me and they couldnt see the severity of what was happening to me. I prayed to die, a lot.
Suicide is something that gets covered extensively in any psych class, its a big deal and it is not as uncommon as it should be. I know for a fact that if I did not pray to God and have faith that everything was for a purpose, and that I did not pray for God to lead me through this stronger than when I first started, I would have killed myself. The professor talking about this subject was "triggering" it woke up a lot of thoughts and memories and stirred plenty of emotions. I put myself in the shoes of others, for the "what if" scenario and I did not want to walk that reality.
Thats not what I was put on this earth for.
I learned that if I had been truthful about my psychological stresses to my therapist when I was going, that I would have been put on high risk suicide watch because I met the criteria by 3 fold or so.
One of the questions during this particular lesson was, how many times a day / week do you think about death or suicide.
The "normal" number, was not a very big one at all.
The amount of times a "sick" person who either might or did commit suicide, was a fraction of my number. A small fraction.
In other words, I contemplated death and suicide by conscious thought way more than what was okay (not that any is okay, our thoughts can be sending us a message).
Depersonalization plays into a lot of psych issues including PTSD, depression, MPD, and severe panic or trauma. It is another psychological issue that does not just "happen" and "last", like (unfortunatly) depression or anxiety can.
Anxiety usually comes in a wave, may last minutes or hours, but then at some point it will end and may not happen again for a while. Depersonalisation is kinda like a cloud, it hovers and stays, lasting for days. Weeks. 2 years.
It alters reality and perception, self image and outlook on life.

I now understand why I did not handle lyme the same way as some of the other people I know who have been affected, it was due to PANDAS and severe infectious+autoimmune trauma to my brain and nervous system. I am grateful for my recovery, I am not done yet but I am "me"and I am thankful to God for giving me purpose and giving me the voice to help give others hope. I havent met anyone on this planet yet that hasnt been through SOMETHING that was in need of empathy and understanding.

Why do I bring this up?
Todays post has nothing to do with me, i'm doing alright and today was a good day. I was watching a video on youtube from a person I watch on a frequent ish basis, and this person was talking about why they havent posted anything in a while and it was due to depression, anxiety and depersonalisation.

This person has been on meds for depression for almost a decade, and this year they began to quit working and the replacement meds weren't working either. He talked about depersonalisation and how he felt like he was in a dream, he was talking on the phone with his mom and said it didnt feel like he was even talking on the phone or doing anything. He was just there.
I couldnt help but wonder if he tried alternative medicine like I have, would he be recovering or have answers as to why the drugs stopped working?
Watching him talk about what happened to him woke up some thoughts from class that I thought I should share with you guys. Offer some hope, life can and will get better. I am thankful I only had this for just a few years instead of decades.
I cannot stress enough that help is out there, it just takes a little time and patience to find. Dont ignore what your body is saying, whether it be joint pain from lyme, panic attacks from strep, PTSD from trauma, whatever it may be. Its a side affect of a problem that our bodies are trying to get us to pay attention to, they arent a torture sentence for punishment.

I can easily keep talking about this subject, working around sick people and lyme patients on a frequent basis has opened my eyes towards how common psychological suffering is...and how many different ways it manifests itself.
Its sad that we are all walking this earth together, each one of us fighting a personal battle either small or large, and yet we are all "good" whenever the shallow "how are you?" gets asked.
Love is free, we dont have to understand anything at all to show kindness to someone in need. I talk a good talk when it comes to seeming like I know a thing or two about disease and psychological things, but at the heart of it all I just want to be a caring human who wants to warm someones day. I do not understand what it is like to have cancer, to lose a spouse or a parent, or what it is like to fight in combat, but I can still offer someone a listening ear and the few thoughts I have to share (Im a guy I like to offer a solution, its how im wired).

Anyway, I havent written anything long in a while so I guess its been over due. I wasnt even planning on writing anything today, but thats usually how it goes.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Ponderings

Anxiety Returns
In the last week my anxiety has not been so great, and it isnt the usual "stress" anxiety where my thoughts race and I cant stop thinking about whatever it is thats bugging me (usually school). Its the kind where I feel like nothing is good enough, food doesnt taste right, I dont talk much when Im out with my friends, and my muscles will tense up randomly. I mean tense up hard, not like a cramp, but my fingers and or toes may curl, my calfs and my arms will tighten up and maybe contort into an odd shape thats not exactly "resting".
I dont know how else to explain it, but my body hasnt been happy. School is stressful right now and I have had to get a tutor for one class, and I havent even been able to find a tutor for the other class I need help with. And that is a big deal, I thought that was the only thing causing my PANDAS type anxiety.

Yesterday was a crazy day, it was very reminiscent of how I felt last year when I was doing so terrible. I was tired the whole day, but my brain worked well enough for me to get a lot of homework done (and the homework seemed to make sense), then last night I started feeling worse. With one of my fish tanks, I had a small issue that ended in a wet floor and an annoying mess.
Usually that doesnt stress me out too bad but yesterday It made me mad, I dont normally get mad. I had three tanks set up, one saltwater, one freshwater with just plants (no fish), and then the tank my used to be best friend gave me that had his fish in it (he couldnt take it to college).
I have been way too busy to maintain the tanks, so I decided that the two freshwater tanks needed to go. I texted some pictures to some friends and said whoever can help move them can have them, an hour or two later I was carrying my old best friends tank out with his fish to take over to another friends house (she was friends with him too), and another friend got my plants.
I thought great, two stresses out of my way. I was sad to get rid of the fish, even if I don't talk to that friend anymore, I like fish. I made sure the friend who got the fish was a friend that wouldnt kill it, but still I felt sad.
I was borderline manic yesterday, it was a day I couldn't stop and sit down. I cleaned, I took down and moved a fish tank, I carried 18 gallons of water across my friends yard and up the stairs, in one trip (8.3lbs X 18=149 LBS, I weight 147LBS FYI). All day I constantly felt frustrated and like I needed to be accomplishing something, I couldnt just stop. Yesterday I also had tears in my eyes several times, not crying or upset, it just happened. Which is something else that happened a lot last year and the year before with the whole PANDAS thing.
When I carried the 3 jugs of water into my friends house, in one trip, with one jug handle in each hand and on hanging from my wrist, I knew something wasnt right. I cant normally lift my bodys weight for one, much less carry it around and up stairs, so that was my tip off that I must be having an adrenaline rush or something. The water was so heavy it left a bruise on my wrist where I carried it. Didnt hurt when I carried it yesterday.

Then today, I woke up feeling not so hot. I had math class today and I met with the teacher after for some tutoring, and it went well, stressful but well.
When I got into my car I realised I was about ready for a mental breakdown and I was worn out, not terrible like I used to have happen to me, but I felt it. I had tears in my eyes on my way back to work, again no specific reason. Same thing when I got to work, I had to wipe my eyes with a tissue a few times when I was working.
Then when it was all over and I went home for dinner, I got a notifcation on my phone and all of my emotions from the last week or two made sense.
It was a calendar notification, this day 3 years ago is when my old best friend and I became best friends, its the day we first hung out and I first went over to his house. Every year after we would always do something for fun to celebrate. Except this one. I had forgotten about it, by some miracle. It hadnt even occured to me that today was any other day. But here we are.

I always associate the PANDAS symptoms and that friend together, because I got the PANDAS a few months after I first got to know him and hes the one I always talked to about it (and the only person I felt safe talking to about it because he seemed to get it). So to me it makes sense that those symptoms would coincide with thinking about that friend...
I cant believe that my body is still so...reactive? Im not sure how to word it. I have never been one to be all that attached to people, I have my set people I like and the ones I feel comfortable with, and thats good enough. I dont really strive to make friends with everyone I can at school (in fact some of those people I avoid because I think theyre gross, because well...some college kids are gross).
I dont understand why I cant get over this one person, its been months since Ive spoken to them, I have much better friends that wouldnt ever just drop me off the face of the earth. Im about to facetime one of them in a little bit, and I was facetiming one of them earlier from work.
Im telling myself its related to the PANDAS because of the OCD factor. Not sure if its true or not, because truthfully I dont know.
I even have dreams where I see that friend, usually in the dreams we are just hanging out doing something we used to do. I had two dreams or so last week. I didnt do that when we were friends, like ever at all.

I guess I need to keep on praying. God has gotten me through everything so far and he has placed some amazing people in my life who I love. One day, if its still bugging me and I find myself with free time, maybe I will talk to a counselor about it. I just hate to feel like I have made that big of a deal about this one person or let this person control that much of my life in some way.

It will be interesting to look back this time next year and see whats happening. Ive thought about last year a lot, and I like this one a lot more than the last several. By a ton. Next year is gonna be even better, Ive already decided it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a calendar notification to permanently delete.