I Had Great Weekend!
This weekend I flew to Missouri to see E and my best friend. E picked me up from the airport and helped me surprise my best friend friday night.
For two guys with chronic fatigue and brain fog we did pretty great I would say! He brought me back to the dorm from the airport and we dropped my stuff on his room. We went down to my friends room and he wasn't there, but another friend of theirs was.
So the other friend called my best freind and said he had hurt his foot and needed some help, that he would be waiting in his room for him. I waited behind the door and E sat in the middle watching for them to show up.
It didnt take too long for him to show up, E warned me he was about to walk in so I tucked myself further behind the door. My friend walked over to the guy pretending to be in pain and looked at his foot. I waited for him to start paying attention to the foot, then i yelled across the room "so what do you think is wrong with it??" and he freaked out! He couldn't believe I was standing there in his room, 600 miles from home. He knew I was coming, but he thought I would be coming a day later. The surprise was priceless, should have gotten it on video!
This was also my first time meeting E in person, making this weekend just that much better. I stayed in his room with him both nights, the second night my best friend joined also. We had our own little party going. Two sick guys pretending that life is good and another one whose just going with the flow. I miss them already.
Last night at one of the school events I had a massive panic attack. We were sitting in an auditorium, after standing in line surrounded by people for a long time. My nerves were frayed further than I realized. After we had sat down and the show started my mind went haywire. I tensed up and couldn't speak, my mind was running at warp speed, I couldnt communicate, and tears welled up in my eyes.
I was sitting between E and my best friend, and couldn't even tell them. I couldn't do anything, it was just all stuck in my head swirling around.
It calmed down eventually and I texted E, trying to be quiet. We had a conversation over text, then I passed my phone to my best friend and let him read what had happened. I was too fried to actually talk and the show was going on in front of us. They managed to help me a little bit and they offered to leave and take me somewhere quieter. I opted to stay because I didnt want them missing out on anything with their school and I didnt really want to acknowledge that I wasn't okay.
I am getting very tired of anxiety or panic or brain fog disrupting my ability to be around other people and enjoy life. I dont understand why I can't just talk to my friends around me. I dont get why I can type out emails and texts when Im alone and be fairly cognizant, but when im in a crowd my mind turns to scrambled eggs. I dont want this to continue. It has been going on almost two years now.
I want to be able to feel excitement again and enjoy life. I feel like everything do is just a short trip away from the bed, with the bed being the most enjoyable place I have. I like being out with my friends and doing activities, but its become harder to do that. This is normal for the wintertime.
I hate this trapped feeling. I want to get out and go on adventure, I dont want to spend my life doing what im doing. Its getting old and I want a change. Im praying the change is sooner rather than later.
I know right now part of the problem is that I am tired and sleep deprived, but I never recover when I do sleep so it almost doesn't feel like it even matters.
UGH. I had done well for a while, I had some strength last summer. I was still an emotional mess but I had more strength. I told myself I could go longer without seeing my doctor. I think that may have been a bit too optimistic. I think my protocol at current is helping prevent too much of a backslide but I dont think im gaining progress.
In other news I should be starting the hyperbaric oxygen soon, which was recommended by my new psychiatrist I saw last month. She believed that it would make a big difference. I sure hope she's right.
Everyday in an oxygen chamber, thats dedication I tell you!
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Thursday, January 3, 2019
What Will 2019 Behold?
In A Search
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?
I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.
Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.
Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.
I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....
Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.
I often lay awake at night dreaming of the future. I am constantly searching for something, I feel like I am working hard with minimal satisfaction. I cannot find what I am looking for. I love other people and spending time with other people when I feel well. I love helping other people, that cn bring me satisfaction but even in the end I ask myself, was I missing something? What could I have done better?
I spend 98% of my life thinking. Work, school, and friends are the primary things on my mind. I love my job and the people I work with. I love how I can be involved in these peoples lives and I learn so much. But sometimes I ask myself, am I missing out on something because I have become too comfortable?
School. I constantly dream about what going to another school farther away from home would be like. All the time. I hear people talk about how their time in college was the best part of their life and they made great relationships and learned so much by living on campus, all these great things that I am looking for
And I wonder, where should I be searching? What should I be doing? I ask God almost daily-what next? Am I doing what I need to do or am I becoming stagnant?
In the moment I usually feel stagnant, looking back usually leads me to see what the positive in the stagnancy can be.
Lyme has created so much indecision in my life because I cannot gauge if I will be able to do what I need or not. Im doing well in my current schooling and work but towards the end of the semester I am worn out. Its hard. I have to really push myself to do as well as I do in my schooling. I am doing alright in work but I am not exactly excelling like I want, there some further courses I could take and move up in position but I cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't and I dont know why.
Its a very delicate balance to maintain what I do and I KNOW if I do that 1 extra little thing that was just too much for my body to handle. My body tells me about it, sometimes for days.
I want to branch out. I feel like I need to branch out. I want new experiences in my life.
But when I crash its always hard. When I crash I usually regret everything and I feel as if I am being suffocated by stress. I want to do SO much. I push myself to do a lot, I hate being bored. But sometimes my body can't take it and I am afraid to play around with changing schools for fear of failing.
Its one thing to fail at work for a few days. They know me and they know if im not doing well, its ok, I will be back to normal soon. School isn't so forgiving. Either you pass or you dont. Theres no leeway.
And I just can't bring myself to take myself away from a place where I am (slowly) succeeding.
Tonight I did apply to a new school. I am waiting to see what happens with the application. The school is a bit on the exclusive side and at this point I would be a transfer not a new student, I do not know how great the odds are in my favor. This school is smaller and it is a Christian environment and I feel like I have potential for success here. I do not know that. I could be entirely wrong. I dont know but I felt pushed enough to apply. Cant hurt.
I visited a college a few months back. I had been accepted and I could have chosen to go this January. I could be preparing to move right this minute and start a new life. I just couldn't do it, I didnt like the school. I didnt meet anyone I clicked with and I wasn't really impressed with much. The school was very very nice and clean. The food options were also plentiful which is good for someone like me..but I just..didnt feel led. I didnt see, hear, or experience anything that made me say THIS IS IT. No.
And it frustrates me because I do not know where to search. I pray often but usually it ends in my mind just spinning in circles on what I want to be doing or what I would like to feel like. My dream isn't to stay up late every night writing down my frustration because I can't sleep. I want to feel like I am progressing and excelling, and I just dont get that feeling....
Earlier this week I felt so rough...I just stayed in bed all day. I got up to take the dog out and make a sandwich, that was it for the whole day. I felt so lazy, even though I had things I could do but I was just too worn out. Its been a long time since I have felt that bad, where I just couldn't get up and do anything.
This happens during the winter. Its cold, raining, and dark. How can anyone be motivated in this?? Surely there is a way to work around this and we just haven't figured it out yet. I dont know, these are just the thoughts that keep me up at night.
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