Anxiety and Endoscopy

This week has yet to have a dull moment, I’ll just start off by saying that!

Over the last weekend I got super sick with I’m not sure what. Eating became more difficult and I had some horrible bouts of anxiety I have never known before. 

Saturday night I lost it. I was sick. My whole body was shaking, I was crying, I was texting a friend and mixing up worlds but didn’t realize it, it was bad. 

Then Sunday night I had another anxiety attack. I was laying in bed, decided to get up. I stood up and froze, all I could do was cling to my night stand and just stand there. I was able to slowly begin creeping my way across the room holding onto things but it was very difficult. I have never had anything like that before. I have had anxiety before but I’ve never lost control of my body like that.

One of my friends called me to help with the anxiety. I stayed in bed, she called me over FaceTime and just spoke to me. I would text her my response and she would speak to me over the phone. It was law at night and I didn’t want to disturb any of my family members. It was so so kind of her to do that. She’s been a great friend. 

She herself deals with depression and anxiety, so her and I understand what the other goes through very well. 

It was a scary night though....very distressing. I could feel my blood pressure go up and my heart was racing. 

I tried to do a guided meditation but I kept feeling like someone was touching my face even though I was alone...no idea what that was about. Long night to say the least.

Monday night was not much different. Shaking, crying, anxiety, paranoia, brain fog, all at once. It didn’t last as long as Sunday nights event. 

This caused me to be worn out on Tuesday...

All of this has been very mentally taxing for me. I’m working on trying to get to the root cause of all of this. 

I know it’s got to be related to my stomach. All of this happens when my stomach starts hurting and getting bent out of shape. 

I tested myself on the biofeedback machine at work, it said I was stress towards a duadenal tumor and e.coli...

This doesn’t mean I have either of those. But it does mean I have been storing a lot of my stress in my gut and that I need to be managing my stress better than I am.

The machine also said kidney cancer from unresolved emotional conflict. 

I wanted to tell the computer thank you for recognizing all my crazy emotions as legitimate. Not gonna lie. But again, kidney cancer wasn’t exactly what I wanted to see.

The bio machine does say cancer just all the time any time. So it’s not something I find reason to totally ignore, but I’m not going to jump off my block saying I’m loaded with cancer because it says so. 

Then Tuesday I saw my chiropractor and spoke to her about what lab tests I need to talk to my doctor about. During the conversation she said she had a patient who had a stomach tumor with very similar symptoms to me...and that it could be possible. Her vote is that I have an ulcer though....

Another symptom I’m having is random high blood pressure. I tested my bp Tuesday afternoon-148/100. Rather high according to the doctor I work for especially considering I was not having anxiety at the time.

My chiropractor said her patient had a tumor pressing on an artery causing BP fluctioms randomly. 

Then on Wednesday I saw my regular doctor who I eat infusions from. She started me on sucralfate to help with the digestive pain(not my preference but I have to do something). She also mentioned the possibility of a tumor. She didn’t seem so convinced of an ulcer, but her opinion was I need a GI scope to get a real idea of what’s happening. So she sent me to see a GI doc.

Leading us up to today! Getting tired yet?

I met with the GI doc. He talked to me about supplements...I gave him the simplest minimalist explanation of what I take as I possibly could have. I was not in the mood to be looked at like I’ve lost my mind. He told me to stop my supplements because they aren’t working (yea probably won’t follow this, I didn’t explain what all I have wrong with me). 

He didn’t give an opinion of what could be wrong but he did say we have to do an endoscopy to see what’s happening.

So next week, I’m going to get a camera stuck down my throat and get my stomach looked at. 

Maybe it’s a tumor, maybe it’s an ulcer, or maybe an inevtiom it a hernia....I don’t care what it is at this point I just want to know what’s wrong.

I’ll have to go under anesthesia for this, which scares me a lot. Last time I was under anesthesia I woke up with a full blown Lyme infection (first time). I really don’t want this procedure to set off a cascade of symptoms...I really don’t want this to be a big deal. 

I just want to be able to eat. I went to take my supplements this morning and I projectile vomited them back into my hand. Never had that happen before. Swallowing has gotten difficult for some reason. I used to be able to eat and drink just fine. I could swallow 20 pills at once and be fine. Not the case anymore.

So next few days...I should have some kind of news. 

I’ll be saying a lot of prayers the next couple of days as well..

Shower thoughts-April Flowers Bring May Showers Part 2

I wasn’t planning on writing a part two to this post, but turns out I have some more things that relate to the title.

It’s been raining here a lot lately and the flowers are blooming. My plum tree is growing plums for the first time, the grass is turning green again. Looks nice. Sounds nice. It all came with a surprise this year, severe allergies. The sniffles have come in full blown but that’s not the bad part. This time around I got a nasty case of fatigue and brain fog too. I’m back to being lost in the sky with diamonds. 

Sadly I don’t even know what to do for it. Stockpiles upon stock piles of supplements and meds, I don’t even know what to do about this. Unlike normal allergies, I have no relief. Usually when the seasonal allergies show up I stay inside, take a shower, and wear clean clothes. I’ll have no issue unless I spend too much time outside. I have almost wondered if I caught a bug, but I don’t feel sick and I’m not running a temperature. It doesn’t feel like regular allergies though *he says pretending like there is such thing as regular*

The flowers are blooming and the tissue industry is booming. Not cool! *sigh* life goes on, I’ll forget half this stuff from the brain fog anyway so I’m not sweating over this. I just gotta get through the last couple weeks of school before I crash. School is going well though, for that I count my blessings. 

Life has been frustrating lately.  I’m selling my Volvo, which is good and I’m excited. I feel like I have finally learned something out side of the Normal box for me. I expended a lot of energy I didn’t even know I had. All sorts of positives with this. School is about to end the semester and it looks like I’ve done well in all my classes. Again positive. 

So what gives?? Work hasn’t been too bad, not perfect but could be far worse.

Where is the enjoyment?? Why can’t I wake up and smile instead of wake up and say “oh crap I’m still here”. I have some very positive friends who smile a lot and their world always seems like cotton candy and rainbows even when it isn’t, it’s all in their mentality. I used to be able to smile through the worst of things and make it through stronger. Where’d that go?? I miss the me that did that, what’s confusing is I don’t even know when I stopped being like that.

So many things rattling my brain, but it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine.

*where did that hamster go....sigh*

Shower Thoughts-April Flowers bring May Showers

In honor of my ongoing brain fog, I bring you the title of this blog post. The title is all in all a joke, but everyone who has brain fog knows-some sentences (read-tons) really do come out like that. Reversed and flip flopped phrases just fly right out of the old pie hole. Volume tv low, are how doing ummm, or any other phrase imaginable that used to be an every day regular sentence can come out leaving me following up with "that was almost english". 

Brain fog isn't the only funk right now, actually it had been doing a lot better up until this afternoon. This afternoon I went hiking with a couple friends, nothing long or strenuous. We just walked a local creek for a mile or two. I had my water bottle and I didn't let myself get overheated, so I thought afterwards I would come out alright. Well...easier said than done. 
My dear old heart has decided to go back to racing or dipping like it has been known to do. One minute all is well-next I want to throw up from the sudden shift in my head. 
Ever since this afternoon I feel totally distorted, almost like vertigo except I am not exactly dizzy or off balance. But my hands and fingers aren't moving just on target. On top of all that, standing and walking is a bit on the difficult side. I stood up off the couch earlier,  walked a few steps, then landed on the floor. One second i was walking next thing I knew i wasn't. Simple as that, well I guess the results are simple but the cause is not. I have no idea what has set my heart off so badly. I wasn't terribly worn out after the hike, this week hasn't been all that stressful either. 
I noticed this last week my heart rate has slowly began rising again. I have been taking my magnesiums and adrenal supports. Pff, Its just another one of those come and go symptoms for now I suppose.

Its getting late and my brain has quit working for the night, I actually had a lot to write on today but this is all I can get though my fingers today. 

Oh Where has my Hamster Gone?

Anyone seen my hamster running around? I think he jumped off the wheel and just wandered away. Long vacation perhaps?
Anyway, brain fog has been present lately but not the worst it has been. Sudden sadness that comes spontaneously has also been showing itself  whole lot more than I appreciate.
It can happen at work, school, home, or with friends. It doesn't matter to my brain what I am doing or who I am with.

What causes this? ugh. I know, its one of those things that just is what it is for the time being. It is just so difficult to deal with life when sadness creeps up on me making me feel like crying and hiding. It makes me paranoid of the people around me, friends or not. The paranoia that everyone around me dislikes me or pretends to tolerate me just to be nice, is a rather taxing emotion. I like to tell myself it is just paranoia, but sometimes I don't know.

Work has risen back onto the stress spectrum once again. Every time I think something in my life is returning to normal-boom-wrong I am. I have found myself sticking up for another coworker who is, in my opinion, not entirely being treated as she should. Due to the paranoia, I can't tell if I am right or not. On top of that I find myself doing other peoples work so things don't get piled up. Whats worse, the slackers in the office are family members to the bosses. Naturally.
It will be a temporary issue, either someone sets them straight or I hand in my two weeks notice and walk on out the door. Its the stress factor that bothers me and causes me issues, not the work itself. I have not had to do any ridiculous amount of work to pickup for the slackers. I have however found myself annoyed by their corner cutting. but because its their family....its a waste trying to get the laziness resolved.

Needless to say, I find myself uncomfortable at work when it used to be my second home. For me its a big deal to be uncomfortable, I feel shut down and my brain just doesn't function a whole lot. With all the issues going on in my head and body...I have to have that connection where I am.
Often times at work or school I feel like its just me, other people are around but almost in another dimension. I just float through it all until I find myself back at home, alone in my bed.

I wish I never needed or wanted to leave my room. Even being around the people I love I just don't feel the bond I used to have, why? I used to love work, I loved doing well in school, and I loved going out with my friends. That was kinda my life for a long time but now, where did it go?

Ughh.
My heart rate is beginning to rise again. I can feel it. My fingers feel swollen sometimes especially in the tips. And my fitbit says my average heart rate is higher than it was last week.
This hasn't even been a stressful week! I have felt fairly well. Only a few sad teary moments. I have actually had a fair bit of energy to play around with and on top of that, minimal pain. Thats huge for me to have energy.
Hm. One day this will all be resolved and my body will function well enough for me to be a so called normal human.
Anyway, for now-

Dear Mr.Hamster,
If you get this post could you come home? I miss you making all the gears in my brain turn. I need that in my life.
Love, your old hamster wheel.