Thanksgiving is over-Next up Christmas break!!
I am beginning to get very excited for my impending end of the semester! I *think* I finish the semester before the end of next week! Only a handful of assignments left! I just gotta treat my body right for a little bit longer. I only need another week and a half out of my brain before it can take a long break. Almost there.
I realized another milestone will be coming up next week, my trip to the new psychiatrist. In just over a week I may have some answers as to why my brain does the weird things it does. I am praying for a really great breakthrough. I hate to pray for bad news like that but...theres something wrong in there and if I am going to do something to make it better, I have to know what I am fighting with. I know there are some things I could be doing a better job at now, such as not cheating on my diet. But I eat so little and sometimes I just have to make myself eat something.
If the doctor can come up with something to help out my anxiety, depression, and brain fog-ill be a happy camper.
The last few days depression and anxiety haven't been so bad. Even today the brain fog wasn't so bad either. I burned through more homework assignments today in one day than I have in a long time, thats a good sign right ??
Of course things would improve right before going to see a new doctor lol.
In the morning I am going for IV vitamins and glutathione, its been a month or two since I have done any infusions. I saw my local doctor last week and she told me it would be a good idea to do another round.
My doctor here ran a full thyroid panel this time. I received the results today and passed with flying colors more less.
The doctor I work for told me I am showing some mild autoimmunity towards my thyroid. Normal range is <9 and my number was 12 (thyroid peroxidase I think it was). This could explain some of my fatigue.
In a few weeks I will be having a phone call follow up with my doctor in Kansas just to touch base with him and inform him of some of my recent happenings.
In other non health related news, this weekend could be a very exciting weekend for me. I just about have my project car back on the road. I have a bunch of parts coming in this week that may finish it off for me to get it back on the road (brakes being one!!!). I have SO patiently been working on this car since the second week of August (the week school started, ironic huh). If all goes well I may be able to drive my car to school one day!
I drove it around the neighborhood last week for the first time, man was that rewarding! It wasn't exactly normal feeling, certainly some more inspecting to do but hey almost there.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
Thankful for the Pain
In All Things
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.
I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.
I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.
I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.
I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.
Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.
I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.
I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.
I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.
I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.
Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Safety Circle
Familiarity
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.
WHY??
I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.
I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.
Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready
I have come to notice something else. Besides the fact that it seems tat I must constantly be analyzing myself, I noticed something new. It wasn't exactly new but it was one of those things where I had never put two and two together.
I stick in the same safe circle and rarely venture out, the times I venture out are the times I fall back into snow globe syndrome. Staring into a world I am not really a part of. In new environments or situations, even if I WANT to be there, I'm lost in space. I see whats happening around me as-if I am on the other side of a glass wall. Trapped. I can't speak. I can't act like myself. I can't reach out to others like I normally can. Im just stuck inside.
WHY??
I have familiar places which I do a better job of opening up and acting myself, sometimes just fine and other times still part way closed up. Work is a major spot where I am open and aware, it has been an everyday, familiar, and safe environment where I am very well liked. So its easy for me to be outside of my head.
These days I find myself talking to a smaller circle of friends, I just don't want to reach out like I used to. I don't really want to talk to just anyone or be just anyones friend like I used to, because usually that means I become someones else "safe person" who they can tell everything wrong about their life too, I can only deal with so much of other peoples lives. I am way too caring but also way to overwhelmed to take on a bunch of peoples struggles. In all honesty my best friend is the only one I really care to talk to and be around these days, he's my safe place. It doesn't matter how great or horrible I feel, we will find something to do and he doesn't care, because its okay. I don't have to strain for energy I don't have to maintain a conversation or get up from my seat to do an activity if I don't feel up for it. The problem here is he lives 13 hours away in another state. He is home this week for Thanksgiving break. Last night he came and stayed with me, he met me at work and I took him from there. He came and met my coworkers and saw my office for the first time ever! I was kinda proud to get to show that off. Then he came over and we spent time together watching netflix and talking, among other things. He stayed overnight and this morning I had to drop him off at his dentist office for an appointment around 8am, and thats it for my visit with him until Christmas break. He will be here for a few more days but his schedule is packed, I am however super thankful he made me a priority for this short visit.
I saw him three weeks ago when I visited him at his school, then in about four weeks he will be back for Christmas. So I don't have too long of a wait before my next visit (or at least I am trying to convince myself that isn't very long).
SO if you are still keeping track of my original topic, my familiar places are work and my best friend. Those are probably the two most comfortable.
Next I would say my other close friend who lives just down the road, their family has basically become part of mine. Then after that I would have to say my own home. In totally around 4-5 safe places/safe people in my life.
I find it very hard to create a new safe place, I just do not feel comfortable anywhere or with just anyone. I can't. I wish I could but I just do not know how to make it happen. Ive gone on adventures to new places where I would like to spend time enjoying life, but usually I fall right back into a snow globe. With the snow globe comes fatigue, brain fog, extra insomnia, and a few other extra cattle to weigh down the couch.
The current safe places aren't exactly the best. Work is work, its not my social place where I am out having fun and letting loose. I enjoy my job and all the people, we all share laughs upon laughs but in the end its still work.
My best friend is in another state, working very hard at school and multiple jobs. All that extra energy Im missing out on, he makes up for probably two fold with all the things he does every week. He is BUSY, we do not get to talk all that often and when we do its over text, rarely the phone. since August, I saw him for a weekend in October, and this weekend and November. Don't take this the wrong way, I am EXTREMELY grateful for this time. Because he's been gone our time together has been extra special. I cannot describe all of our moments together and how much they have meant to me. Last night before bed him and I prayed together, I miss my prayers with him.
It just leaves a lot of gap time for me, I need to have a safe person more than every so many months. And he doesn't need to be my only one either, there are people that care about me, problem is I just can't connect. I have another friend who I am super close to, she does her best to be there for me and she does a fantastic job. But again, I just dont always feel the same connection for some reason. I still go to her and she's an awesome friend. I love her to pieces. I just feel stuck in the outfield from society.
I want to go new places, I want to experience new things and meet new people. But truth is my cute little safety circle is where I am stuck. I sure hope my new psychiatrist can help me out, this isn't even like regular sick me pre-March 2017. Certainly isn't like non sick me, though that part of me is a vague memory these days.
I have searched and tried t find reasons on my own why I have such difficulty now. I think its depression related, I just dont get enjoyment like I used to. Its not easy for me to get into and absorb a conversation.
Hmmm the places Ill go when my body is ready
Sunday, November 4, 2018
A Weekend With A Side of +Rest
On The Bright Side
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.
I felt peace
I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.
But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.
But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.
I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.
Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world
You know how they say the sun will come out tomorrow? Even when its been raining for weeks and weeks? Turns out there may be a sliver of truth in that. This weekend my sun came out :)
Ive slept well the last 2-3 nights and felt relaxed. No sign of anxiety or panic attacks. No shaking. No random fear of something I wouldn't normally fear. I even worked on some things I haven't had the energy to work on.
I felt peace
I had really come to miss this feeling and now I remember why. I have lot more energy and a lot more positive thought when my mind is at ease!! I had forgotten what it was like to not feel a vortex going through my mind. I started yet another new supplement last week called NeuroCalm by Designs for Health, it may be whats helping my brain relax and only go 0-60 instead of 0-90.
I find supplements can help my brain for a while but usually there will come a time they no longer help. Its a waiting game to see if I hold this nice peaceful feeling for the longterm or if this weekend was a nice God given break.
Even if I stay feeling this well I will still be seeing the new doctor next month. The doctor can find out why and what else to do to fix it instead of control it.
But boy it is a nice feeling to sleep hard, dream, wake up, and feel the new day
I usually sleep about as well as a dog speaks english. Just doesn't happen. SO my day usually feels about like a week, because I never feel the reset of sleep. So allllll those days of the week really just feel like one extra long day.
To wake up and feel reset AND refreshed....I forgot this feeling. Completely forgot. The last few days have been nice!
I can already feel that I won't be awake much longer tonight. Normally when I night blog its a sign of an impending loooong night.
But hey theres more!
I had the energy and brain cells to work on my car! And enjoy it! I did run out of steam but I didn't care because I had the steam to do it in the first place!
I had a great conversation on the phone today with my best friend and he gave me some good news that I had been praying for all week, and truthfully thought I would be praying for for an extended or potentially indefinite amount of time. He's going through a lot right now and this week was a truck load, but good things are getting closer for him. He just doesn't see it yet (no he doesn't read my blog so this isn't my secret way of sneaking in encouraging words into his mind LOL).
School work too, Ive gotten some things done early and Ive been able to work hard (or at least feel like I am working hard) on some homework and studying.
I have been dreaming a lot lately. Living off in space in a world I wish existed. Sometimes I see this world as my goal for when I can do more than just the average daily living. Other days I see this dream as only a dream. Today my dreams seem more real, like it really can be possible to sleep at night, wake up with a smile, enjoy going to work, enjoy going to school, make new friends, and get back into some things I thought were long gone.
I did some stretching today with a friend of mine, her and I had a blast hanging out. She's a recovered depressed person who has recently started making her life what she wants it to be. She's been a close friend with me for the last year and a half. Today we both got to enjoy life together and that was a nice feeling and a fun adventure.
Exercise is one thing I do long to get back to. I miss stretching and gymnastics, its been seven years or so since Ive done either. I do stretch myself on the floor every so often but rarely in any significance. If the new clinic can help my brain out and I can finally get closer to the end of my Lyme Fight, maybe exercise will leave my dream world and become part of my real world
Thursday, November 1, 2018
A Whole New World
Dreaming Wide Awake
I have been living in my own dream world the last few days. I have spent most of my spare world dreaming of a world where Lyme doesn’t exist. I tell myself that if I moved to a new place with new people and new friends, I wouldn’t ever have to tell them about Lyme disease. I could pretend I had never even heard of the “little bug”. I could hide my symptoms well and everyone would be none the wiser.
What a world that would be....a world I dream of
I think often to myself, maybe if I pretend that nothing is wrong then I’ll eventually just forget that I hurt all the time. Maybe I’ll meet people that make me happy and joyful so I could forget about depression and anxiety. Even on top of that, I could forget about being tired and then I could stay so busy that I have too many things to do to spend time on OCD.
What a place...
I think, if I hide that anything is wrong with me and always act normal (which I can mostly do), I would never again be accused as one of those people who lives their disease. The “if you were just more positive” or “if you would just push yourself more” or “smile more and you’ll be happier” people who were born all knowing, obviously.
I have just had a bad case of uncomfortable in my own skin. My bones hurt. My energy is slack. My brain is swirling like a pot of doom. I just want to scream and I want someone to hold me close. Instead I feel lost in outer space.
Even as I type this my shoulder and my fingers are burning. 2 of my friends(in my age group) know I’m doing poorly. My best friend....I can’t tell him. He saw the incident last weekend and honestly I think that’s why I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want him to know I’m struggling to be positive and happy. I really didn’t want him to know. His cup is running over right now, id like my issues to be nonexistent to him.
I’ve been talking to my parents today and thenlast few days about how I’m doing, which is unusual for me. I’m not the best at talking to them about these things.
I spoke to my therapist this morning and he’s going to have me start to doing some writing things for anxiety.
After my collapsing incedent on Saturday, I’ve since repeated it again 2 times almost 3. The other night I wasin my room and I went to walk out and I just hit the ground. Later that night my knees kept getting weak.
I’ve had several anxiety attacks this week. Today I had two break downs where I just lost it crying.
I feel like my body is shot. My spirit is alive and pushing but my body would like me to put it on the shelf for a while.
What did i do?? Every time I think I’m doing something right...my body comes up with these surprises.
I promise, I have things to do beside cry. Actually this evening I was going to do anatomy and physiology homework but hey a mental break down is great too right? *rolls eyes*
I have been living in my own dream world the last few days. I have spent most of my spare world dreaming of a world where Lyme doesn’t exist. I tell myself that if I moved to a new place with new people and new friends, I wouldn’t ever have to tell them about Lyme disease. I could pretend I had never even heard of the “little bug”. I could hide my symptoms well and everyone would be none the wiser.
What a world that would be....a world I dream of
I think often to myself, maybe if I pretend that nothing is wrong then I’ll eventually just forget that I hurt all the time. Maybe I’ll meet people that make me happy and joyful so I could forget about depression and anxiety. Even on top of that, I could forget about being tired and then I could stay so busy that I have too many things to do to spend time on OCD.
What a place...
I think, if I hide that anything is wrong with me and always act normal (which I can mostly do), I would never again be accused as one of those people who lives their disease. The “if you were just more positive” or “if you would just push yourself more” or “smile more and you’ll be happier” people who were born all knowing, obviously.
I have just had a bad case of uncomfortable in my own skin. My bones hurt. My energy is slack. My brain is swirling like a pot of doom. I just want to scream and I want someone to hold me close. Instead I feel lost in outer space.
Even as I type this my shoulder and my fingers are burning. 2 of my friends(in my age group) know I’m doing poorly. My best friend....I can’t tell him. He saw the incident last weekend and honestly I think that’s why I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want him to know I’m struggling to be positive and happy. I really didn’t want him to know. His cup is running over right now, id like my issues to be nonexistent to him.
I’ve been talking to my parents today and thenlast few days about how I’m doing, which is unusual for me. I’m not the best at talking to them about these things.
I spoke to my therapist this morning and he’s going to have me start to doing some writing things for anxiety.
After my collapsing incedent on Saturday, I’ve since repeated it again 2 times almost 3. The other night I wasin my room and I went to walk out and I just hit the ground. Later that night my knees kept getting weak.
I’ve had several anxiety attacks this week. Today I had two break downs where I just lost it crying.
I feel like my body is shot. My spirit is alive and pushing but my body would like me to put it on the shelf for a while.
What did i do?? Every time I think I’m doing something right...my body comes up with these surprises.
I promise, I have things to do beside cry. Actually this evening I was going to do anatomy and physiology homework but hey a mental break down is great too right? *rolls eyes*
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