Broken Things
Send us a big message. Its taken me a while to understand this. As I am working on a degree in psychology, I have been taught more and more on how to notice what is going on inside of myself so that I can better understand what is going on inside of someone else world. When something breaks, that "thing" sends a very broad yet specific message, "time to make a new choice".
Choices are hard, or at least they can be. Humans naturally fear the unknown, why? I haven't taken that class yet. Theres gotta be a reason though, Im sure of it.
Choices can bring fun new things, like choosing to buy something that has taken a while to save up for. Or taking a trip to somewhere that you have always wanted to go too.
Choosing to live in a new town, or even a new state, can be very scary. In that instance, there is a lot of unknown that has to be processed, maybe thats why people tend to live in a more stagnant life.
In my experience, and I have mentioned this many times before, people with a severe chronic illness have been put through some sort of major trauma that played part as a catalyst in their illness.
That is part of the reason I have chosen to earn a degree in psychology, to better understand myself and to better advocate for those who have been through more than they could handle. It can be hard to choose to move on from whatever the trauma was. Personally, I am in the "rebuilding" stage of lyme. I no longer have an active raging infection, it may not be 100% gone but it is no longer tearing my body apart. I have to repair the damage. Over the last few years my doctor has been working on my adrenals and hormones, those seem to being doing well according to my last test results.
My immune system is not leveled out yet, I have been rotating through having a high positive ANA to a negative ANA. ANA is an autoimmune test, it shows if the body is destroying its own tissue somewhere(as I understand it). In March this year my ANA was 1:160, which is a very high + test. In July it was negative, July I was also feeling the best with the least physical complaints. This month it tested at a 1:80, which is a high + but not as severe as the 1:160. Meaning it could be worse, but somewhere in my body I have damage occurring due to my own immune system.
I had to make a choice, I had to choose to take initiative and figure out what I needed to change in my life to push my body in the right direction. I decided to try some high doses of some supplements I had been taking earlier this year when my ANA was normal. I had to choose to realize (and not ignore) that the biggest problem I have is that I just dont handle stress well. I know I dont. A good friend of mine has been telling me about how I need to meditate to calm my mind and I need to do it frequently to keep my body in the right pattern. Have I done that yet? No. Do I know I need to? Yes. I do. I have been doing some deep breathing when I think about it and when I am in the sauna I try to relax and get the world out of my mind. I am pushing myself in the right direction, eventually Ill get there.
Having things "broken" with myself has taught me that choices are important. And ignoring a choice, is by default making a choice. I have learned to ask myself "if it breaks, does it heal?" , because the important things in life that truly matter can either heal or be fixed. Think about it. The most important thing in my life is my relationship with God, do I make mistakes? All the time, always will. I try my best but in the end I am human and will make mistakes. (Anyone who cant see that they make mistakes just needs a new mirror to see themselves in). People we care about in life, we hold close and go out of our way to make a priority in our lives. Our hobbies, its easy to pickup a hobby and make it whatever you want to be. My hobby is my old car, I have done all sorts of projects on it to make it "better" and continue to make plans for more projects on the car. I make it a priority in my life because I enjoy it. If my car breaks, I fix it, not because I "can" but because its an opportunity for me to learn something new.
Reaching the end of the year, I have looked back on some projects and people in my life and thought about how they could have gone different. But in reality I know whatever was suppose to happen, did. Nothing "failed" because I didn't work hard enough or because I "did it wrong". I made choices to move on, because my heart was no longer in it. I have had a few friends who may have been a bit toxic in my life that I pushed away (on purpose) and I have thought to myself, was that the right thing? Sure I could have done some things a bit different but, I made choices. It wont be the last time I have to make some space between myself and others. I had to abandon one of my car projects and sell it on to the next owner, because my heart was no longer in it. That project had morphed into a pit, and that pit sucked all the fun out of it.
Now that the year is coming to an end I am trying to make choices on what I want to do with myself for the next coming year. This time next year I should be graduated with a degree in Psychology and a minor in sociology. I will be facing some big changes then! Good changes! But I know that I myself, need to be a little more prepared than I am for some of the things coming in the future.
