A Whole New World

Dreaming Wide Awake
I have been living in my own dream world the last few days. I have spent most of my spare world dreaming of a world where Lyme doesn’t exist. I tell myself that if I moved to a new place with new people and new friends, I wouldn’t ever have to tell them about Lyme disease. I could pretend I had never even heard of the “little bug”. I could hide my symptoms well and everyone would be none the wiser.

What a world that would be....a world I dream of

I think often to myself, maybe if I pretend that nothing is wrong then I’ll eventually just forget that I hurt all the time. Maybe I’ll meet people that make me happy and joyful so I could forget about depression and anxiety. Even on top of that, I could forget about being tired and then I could stay so busy that I have too many things to do to spend time on OCD.
What a place...

I think, if I hide that anything is wrong with me and always act normal (which I can mostly do), I would never again be accused as one of those people who lives their disease. The “if you were just more positive” or “if you would just push yourself more” or “smile more and you’ll be happier” people who were born all knowing, obviously.
I have just had a bad case of uncomfortable in my own skin. My bones hurt. My energy is slack. My brain is swirling like a pot of doom. I just want to scream and I want someone to hold me close. Instead I feel lost in outer space.

Even as I type this my shoulder and my fingers are burning. 2 of my friends(in my age group) know I’m doing poorly. My best friend....I can’t tell him. He saw the incident last weekend and honestly I think that’s why I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want him to know I’m struggling to be positive and happy. I really didn’t want him to know. His cup is running over right now, id like my issues to be nonexistent to him.
I’ve been talking to my parents today and thenlast few days about how I’m doing, which is unusual for me. I’m not the best at talking to them about these  things.
I spoke to my therapist this morning and he’s going to have me start to doing some writing things for anxiety.
After my collapsing incedent on Saturday, I’ve since repeated it again 2 times almost 3. The other night I wasin my room and I went to walk out and I just hit the ground. Later that night my knees kept getting weak.
I’ve had several anxiety attacks this week. Today I had two break downs where I just lost it crying.
I feel like my body is shot. My spirit is alive and pushing but my body would like me to put it on the shelf for a while.

What did i do?? Every time I think I’m doing something right...my body comes up with these surprises.
I promise, I have things to do beside cry. Actually this evening I was going to do anatomy and physiology homework  but hey a mental break down is great too right? *rolls eyes*