The amount of pain that Lyme disease has caused me never ceases to amaze me. How? How can one little bacteria kill me like it has. Through and through parts of me have been killed. I don’t dream anymore, I don’t aspire for amazing things like I once did. It’s too painful, because I know that dream will probably get squashed by some physical limitation that I have. I can’t dream anymore...even if I wanted too, what’s out there still? I’m not even sure what I could want besides my health. I love peolle and my friends, I aspire to be the person all of my freinds can come too and lean on. I think I do alright at that. In the end though, it means more to me that I was there than it does to them. They don’t lie awake at night wishing there was someone out there to reach out too when something goes wrong.
I feel like this disease has broken me all the way to my soul. Every time I have hope and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I get side swiped. Life throws a new wrench at me and I have to recollect my whole existence so I can once again learn how to live. I am very grateful I can work and go to school, with success. It is something that I enjoy. I don’t go to a special school by any means whatsoever and my work isn’t necessarily something astounding either. I love my job and I adore the people I work with, but I make 1/4 of what my friends make and I don’t work very much...there’s no where for me to be promoted to, so my job is about as unchanging as it gets. I want to strive for more, a nicer school that is regarded a little higher. I would love to work more hours on more days and make some more money than I’m making, but right now my body can’t do one little bit more. There’s no open opportunity for me to do anything but what I’m doing so for now I am complacent with what I’ve been given. I just wish I was able to strive for more than the baseline.
Tonight has been a hard night. Lots of reminders of what Lyme has done to me have come to my attention, on top of all my meds over running my system leaving me overwhelmed. I am in a lot of pain, depression is eating me, and it is very hard to look up from where I sit...I just don’t know what to do besides pray..
Sometimes i think we are kindred sprits. I too love to be the one that people can turn to but they are not nearly as excited to have me be there for them as i am to do it. It is hard. The dreams are hard i have given up most dreams as well however the fact that this is not guaranteed terminal we can overcome it through years of excruciating treatment makes me think we are the biggest dreamers of all. I do think that Gods wants us to focus on being content with where we are. You are touching peoples lives and doing exactly what he wants you to do right where you are. God is not concerned with what school you attend or how much money you make he is only concerned with what you do with what he gives you. You are a great friend and son. You are moving forward in all areas of your life. Eternally speaking you are doing awesome and I am certain God is well pleased with you. Keep praying He is listening!
ReplyDeleteAmen hallelujah
ReplyDeleteI cannot agree more. I am working towards learning how to adjust to what my current normal is so that I can function with what I am giving.
It’s just not easy