It took everything from me
“What is happening to me?” I wondered, as I stood in the shower.
I was cold, quite dizzy and generally didn’t feel good. After a day at work, the hot shower warmed me up nicely.
I drove to my church, where I was scheduled to spend the evening. I didn’t feel like eating anything, so I just got some tea. As the evening progressed, I felt worse and worse, and got so cold that I was shaking and shivering....with a coat on.
Finally, I had enough and went outside to my car, turned the heater on high and cried myself to sleep. Eventually a friend came out and found me, and drove me home.
This was the first time anything like that had happened to me, and I really didn’t know what to think of it. Over the next few months, I began to get more and more tired, until the point that I am now continually exhausted, and sometimes can only collapse in bed. I have agonizing pain, and have developed an intermittent stu-stutter, along with other cognitive difficulties. Conversations in groups have become increasingly difficult, and any productive school work at times seems nearly impossible. I have started falling regularly, and I am at times unable to control my balance well.
Though I never had many friendships before, the ones I did have seemed to die as I have become unable to do the things I used to do. But none of these are as bad as the ever present, crushing depression. I wake up every day, cussing that I woke up and that it is once again time to try to get up and move. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train.
A few years after I first got sick, I was diagnosed with Master’s (essentially lyme) disease. That at least explains what has been going on. But knowing hasn’t made things easier in general. When I, in passing conversation, mention to someone that I have Lyme disease, the general response is “okay.” There’s no concern on their face, no understanding in their mind, and no care in their soul. People, in general, just don’t care. However there are a few people that care about me, and for those I am incredibly grateful; it means more to me than they know.
This disease has taken everything from me. It took all of my energy. It took my ability to even have enjoyment. It took my emotions. It took my memory and my capability to think clearly. It even took my ability to have moving prayer time or serious devotions. It took me....and left me for dead, as a skeleton of my former self. A self that my friends, family and acquaintances don’t know, a self that I don’t know; a self that almost no-one knows. It took my youthful inspiration and replaced it with a wish for the sweet release of death every single day.
Even with the impressive amount that the bacteria has been able to accomplish, it hasn’t taken God from me, or me from Him. Nothing can separate those in Christ from his love for us. And I know that, and I firmly believe that. Nothing has escaped His attention, and I know that this immense suffering is for my good. It is helping me become the man God wants me to be; it may feel most of the time like a dagger in my heart, but I know that when I get better, if I get better, I’m going to be unstoppable. I’m going to be infinitely more compassionate towards those with depression, mental and physical disabilities, the hurting, the outcast, the unwanted and the untouchables of society. I’ll have a much greater understanding of what these people go through, and perhaps be able to help them. And for that I’m thankful.
-E
I asked E to write a post about his story for me to share on my blog, and I am impressed at how well he captured what he is going through. His brain fog and focus issues are a fair bit worse than mine (or so I think), and mine are fairly severe. For him to write this much and do such a coherent and clear job at writing, im super proud.
One of the things he asked me after we began talking was "how do you describe what lyme has done to you"
I responded back with " I feel like I was murdered, then I never left my body."
Its fairly safe to say we both feel very dark now, which I for sure never felt like before lyme. Its hard to fight the crushing depression that has come on with lyme, the lyme takes over the body and the depression on top of it helps take over the brain and its thoughts. Together the two of us have more support to encourage the other through the dark times, which are more often than either of us would like to admit to anyone else.
Im sure that this will not be the last post from my friend that you will see posted on this blog, as he progresses with his treatment and his life and symptoms change im sure Ill be able to convince him to write a little more to share!
He started zithromax today, so I have a feeling he's not going to be feeling to great over the next few days.
“What is happening to me?” I wondered, as I stood in the shower.
I was cold, quite dizzy and generally didn’t feel good. After a day at work, the hot shower warmed me up nicely.
I drove to my church, where I was scheduled to spend the evening. I didn’t feel like eating anything, so I just got some tea. As the evening progressed, I felt worse and worse, and got so cold that I was shaking and shivering....with a coat on.
Finally, I had enough and went outside to my car, turned the heater on high and cried myself to sleep. Eventually a friend came out and found me, and drove me home.
This was the first time anything like that had happened to me, and I really didn’t know what to think of it. Over the next few months, I began to get more and more tired, until the point that I am now continually exhausted, and sometimes can only collapse in bed. I have agonizing pain, and have developed an intermittent stu-stutter, along with other cognitive difficulties. Conversations in groups have become increasingly difficult, and any productive school work at times seems nearly impossible. I have started falling regularly, and I am at times unable to control my balance well.
Though I never had many friendships before, the ones I did have seemed to die as I have become unable to do the things I used to do. But none of these are as bad as the ever present, crushing depression. I wake up every day, cussing that I woke up and that it is once again time to try to get up and move. I feel like I have been hit by a freight train.
A few years after I first got sick, I was diagnosed with Master’s (essentially lyme) disease. That at least explains what has been going on. But knowing hasn’t made things easier in general. When I, in passing conversation, mention to someone that I have Lyme disease, the general response is “okay.” There’s no concern on their face, no understanding in their mind, and no care in their soul. People, in general, just don’t care. However there are a few people that care about me, and for those I am incredibly grateful; it means more to me than they know.
This disease has taken everything from me. It took all of my energy. It took my ability to even have enjoyment. It took my emotions. It took my memory and my capability to think clearly. It even took my ability to have moving prayer time or serious devotions. It took me....and left me for dead, as a skeleton of my former self. A self that my friends, family and acquaintances don’t know, a self that I don’t know; a self that almost no-one knows. It took my youthful inspiration and replaced it with a wish for the sweet release of death every single day.
Even with the impressive amount that the bacteria has been able to accomplish, it hasn’t taken God from me, or me from Him. Nothing can separate those in Christ from his love for us. And I know that, and I firmly believe that. Nothing has escaped His attention, and I know that this immense suffering is for my good. It is helping me become the man God wants me to be; it may feel most of the time like a dagger in my heart, but I know that when I get better, if I get better, I’m going to be unstoppable. I’m going to be infinitely more compassionate towards those with depression, mental and physical disabilities, the hurting, the outcast, the unwanted and the untouchables of society. I’ll have a much greater understanding of what these people go through, and perhaps be able to help them. And for that I’m thankful.
-E
I asked E to write a post about his story for me to share on my blog, and I am impressed at how well he captured what he is going through. His brain fog and focus issues are a fair bit worse than mine (or so I think), and mine are fairly severe. For him to write this much and do such a coherent and clear job at writing, im super proud.
One of the things he asked me after we began talking was "how do you describe what lyme has done to you"
I responded back with " I feel like I was murdered, then I never left my body."
Its fairly safe to say we both feel very dark now, which I for sure never felt like before lyme. Its hard to fight the crushing depression that has come on with lyme, the lyme takes over the body and the depression on top of it helps take over the brain and its thoughts. Together the two of us have more support to encourage the other through the dark times, which are more often than either of us would like to admit to anyone else.
Im sure that this will not be the last post from my friend that you will see posted on this blog, as he progresses with his treatment and his life and symptoms change im sure Ill be able to convince him to write a little more to share!
He started zithromax today, so I have a feeling he's not going to be feeling to great over the next few days.
E- I am sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for taking the time to articulate it for us. Good luck in your treatment and please do give us updates from time to time when you can.
ReplyDeleteOh im going to make sure he shares again :)
ReplyDelete