Emotional Floods

Long Week
I love the holidays and I love getting to see everyone at Christmas, friends come home from school and I get to see some family.
Always great.
Except when Im worn out. Which happens. A lot. On top of being worn out, I have managed to have the sniffles and a sore throat all week. Which further depletes my limited energy.
When im worn out I loose all hope of enjoying whatever it was that I had planned. I get caught up in my head and I drown in my thoughts. My thoughts just spin like a whirlpool. That usually ends in my emotions getting the best of me and me spending my night with some tears on my pillow.
Tonight has been one of those nights.
Last night my best friend spent the night with me and it was SO SO nice having him back. I didnt have to sleep alone and I had someone fun around to keep my spirits up. I didnt feel so lonely even though I was terribly drained and didnt feel like doing anything but laying down. He helped me with my car, having him help was amazing. We did in a few hours what would take me at least a week to do. One stress off my plate and it was fun having an assistant.

But in the end I was an emotional mess. When it was closer for him to leave I started crying and pouring out emotions. He was there for me the best he could, part of it was that I missed him and part of it was I was disappointed that we didnt do more fun things because I felt crumby (to say it mildly). I love it when he spends the night and we stay up half the night watching movies and playing games, this visit was a bit more on the mild side and I was spacey for most of it.
After he left I walked back into the house and cried again. It was just too many emotions for my tired body.
Christmas and christmas eve were similar. Had lots of fun doing things with friends and family but at the same time I wanted to be at home in bed crying. I wanted to be enjoying the traditional games at my friends house, but I just couldn't get into it.
Then I get upset for not being able to enjoy things. I want too so bad. Its just so frustrating that I always feel like Im looking through a snow globe at the outside world. I want to jump in and join and be a part of the fun and games.
Not sit on the sidelines staring off into space.

E has been great talking to this week. He called me the evening of Christmas day and we talked for over two hours. Because I was laying in my bed, in my quiet safe place, it was easy. I didnt enjoy it like a normal person would but its okay because he has the same feelings I do. The things he enjoys, really isn't the same. Things are more...pleasant or nice...not exciting or joyful, sometimes its better to be doing an activity than twiddling our thumbs in the corner, even if we dont really feel the effects of it.
When im in my safe place like that though, I feel more at ease and its easier to get enjoyment out of things.

Im planning on going to church tomorrow, ive gotten really really bad at actually going to church anymore. Its a push to even do that. My best friend will be there, and another good friend whom I love needs a ride to church so I am picking him up beforehand , its good for me. I just wish I had the energy and stamina to enjoy it. and the brain to remember whatever the pastor speaks on.

It amazes me how one week I can be doing 85-95% normal and the next week feel like im dying. I wish some of these new supplements would kick in a little more. but the dr told me it could take 6 weeks or so...(i think. idk i can't remember)

The Healing Code, have you read it?

     Today I want to talk about a book to nearly everyone I know. Dr. L recommended this to me a few years, and I am so glad I listened! This book really helped me get through the emotional trauma caused by being sick. People with chronic illnesses often have had some kind of emotional trauma at some point in their life.

     Mine stemmed from a few points. When I broke my arm I was in a cast for about 9 weeks. My thumb and pointer finger were unable to flex because the nerve was stretched. All of my fingers on that hand were messed up in some way or another. I had 0 feeling in my pointer and thumb, my middle finger had pins and needles and diminished flexibility, my ring finger was like my middle but less severe, then my pinky was unaffected somehow. Even today I still have diminished feeling in that hand after nearly 5 years, PE, and laser therapy.
Another thing that gets to me, especially on the bad days, is losing friends and being unable to stay involved with things I did previously.
At one point I was active in Boy Scouts, gymnastics, tennis, and anything else fun that came up. The boy scouts especially ticked me off. I was one of the highest ranking kids in the county, active in the Troop, first one in my patrol to reach the rank of eagle at 14 years old, and I had known most of the other guys most of my life.
I went to the meetings and taught the younger kids every week, never missed. I knew all of the younger kids, I enjoyed teaching them. It was great.
A year after becoming an Eagle Scout I just had no more energy for extra activities. I couldn't go and teach every week. No one said anything to me. I took a three month or so break before I went back. One of the first things a patrol member of mine said to me was "Why are you here"
Warming isn't it? I could talk about the Boy Scouts a lot...but lets be honest. Its way overrated.
 I am a double silver Eagle Scout with a full sash of merit badges(I could start the second). I know this from experience. I wasn't one of the kids who let their dad take over either, I made it at 14 because I wanted  to. It was a goal I wanted to accomplish. I just had a strive to thrive.
Now Lyme disease is my priority. I have to strive to survive. Ill thrive later, God willing.

     That's the gist of my sob story. Ill probably post about it again at a later date. Ill get off my rabbit trail and go back to the book.
Emotional trauma stops healing. The mind is the control center for your whole body. If it is overwhelmed with emotions it has to deal with, its priorities are going to change from healing the body, to healing the mind. Stress kills, a stressed brain cannot function.
When we live with emotional trauma, the added physical trauma will be our downfall. Its not possible to be physically well when we are taken down from both sides.
Our heart, according to Dr. Jernigan at the Hansa Center, holds onto these emotional memories. This book, The Healing Code, goes into great detail about how our emotions and thoughts control our health. One of the doctors in the book discussed how his chronically ill patients
 wouldn't get better. The root of it wasn't the wrong pill combination, but emotions.


     Reading this book gave me more sense of self awareness. I am not controlled by the anger or unhappiness I had from becoming ill. I don't blame myself. I used to try to blame others or myself. "Maybe if I would have started complaining about my symptoms sooner I would have found a treatment sooner". Or why didn't someone else see that I felt so bad and say something.
Its important to remember, everything happens for a reason. We may not be able to see the reason, but there will be a positive outcome.

     Being sick taught me to become independent and to avoid following blindly. Whenever a doctor tells me to take something I need to know A.Why? B. What is it going to do to me. C. What are the important side affects.
Too many people take a doctors advice way too seriously. A doctor practices what he/she is taught, most of them do follow a similar script for everyone.
They have a fairly specific protocol for everyone already, for depression they have an A drug they tryout first, same goes for infections, ADD/ADHD, and other disorders.
When drug A or even herb/supplement A doesn't work, they have a backup or plan B.

     I learned to think creatively. I try to think outside the box when it goes to my own treatment. Most doctors(who treat lyme) give 1-3 abx. This will cause a herx reaction from the bacteria dying.
When a herx is coming on, we are told to detox. Detox what? There is always more than lyme bacteria to detoxify. The goal may be to remove the toxins from dead bacteria, but detoxing is so general. It will help remove anything that needs to be removed.
So what specifically is being detoxed, heavy metals, other bacteria toxins(if so which ones?), environmental toxins, pesticides, parasites?
When detoxing usually some symptoms will increase, for me brain fog usually. Which toxins coming out cause which symptoms?
Anyway, this is how I think. "Why" and "how" is what I am always asking. I no longer think, "what if I had" or "but if this-". This poisons our body.

The Healing Code taught me to check my thoughts and emotions. Letting them run wild will lead to downfall, not a better circumstance that "could have been". It was not a standard self help book, it wasn't telling me to change my life to be happy. It explained the science of cellular memories and how they affect our body.
I recommend this book to anyone who struggles with a resistant, chronic disease. It was easy to read and extremely informative.
Emotional healing should be considered in everyone with a chronic disease. Something is blocking the body from healing.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”‘ – Romans 8:28