The Brain Roller Coaster

It never ceases to amaze me the roller coaster we live on that we call chronic disease. We could be on top of the world on a good day and farther down in the trenches than we ever believed possible on a bad day. The brain is a funny thing, we never really know what it's doing. It's not like our liver or gut in the fact we can't just do a cleanse to improve its health. The brain takes a long time to detoxify and heal.
On our journey of chronic disease we live with an unbelievable amount of trauma, much of it unconscious. I find myself triggered by little things as of recently for no outright and obvious reason. It's as if my brain has just left me and become independent, I have no idea what it's doing. This past week or so has been extremely wearing...
I've been in several arguments with other people, the topic of course being me. My job as informed me that because of recent decline in business my hours are being cut for the time being. My hours were already irregular, now I work fewer days and on the days I do work my day is scattered. I work an hour or two then I am off an hour or two. Monday I worked 9-10, 2:30-3:30, 4-5, the day felt so long even though I hadn't accomplished near as much as I would have a few months ago.

Having more time to myself has given me even more time for my mind to wander. I already do that too much during the night when I would like to be asleep. Now I get a head start on being OCD and depressed, it all starts when I finish school in the afternoon all the way until I fall asleep that night. It gets even better though, sometimes I even dream about what is bothering me. That way when I wake up my thoughts are even more scrambles on what is reality vs what is imagination.

Two weeks ago I was doing great. I had started exercising on a daily basis, I wasn't depressed, I was excited to be around other people, I was even beating my alarm in the morning before work. I had the feeling things were starting to turn around even better than before.
This past week however hasn't been so good. The time change has messed up my sleep, so now its a struggle to wake up for work. I can't stand to be around other people but I also despise being alone, I'm paranoid about which people I talk to and what I say to them. Exercise is still going, this is probably a personal record for me, I'm just taking a day of here and there just in case the exertion is exascerbating the whole ordeal. In the beginning doing some floor exercises was therapeutic now not so much...

This is probably the worst my brain has ever been, this time around I have no idea of what could have caused it. The past several weeks I have 99% cut out junk food of any sort. I've been sticking to raw goat milk yogurt, bone broth,  calf liver, salad, juice, smoothies, beans, and nuts. I haven't felt hungry and my guy has overall felt more at ease than previously. I have been wondering if the added meat has changed my thought patterns, because before I was more so vegetarian. I eat some kind of meat most days but not to the caliber I have been.
My goal was to follow Dr.Axs leaky gut protocol. I have been taking 5g of L-Glutamine powder every day which is supposed to be fantastic for the gut and the brain. It's even supposed to be beneficial for all the mental symptoms I've been having, just apparently not the case for me. I've added in a B-Complex that I've taken in the past for an energy boost, no difference noted through.

I go back to see my doctor in Kansas this weekend, I've already had my blood drawn. All I'm doing now is waiting for the Monday to get here...
Physically I have been doing better than my average, significantly. Mentally....I have no idea what I've done :/

A quick recap of my supplement protocol that I am currently following, fish oil, vitamin D 8,000IU, a liver cleanse for my smoothie(only used it since last Monday and I don't use it daily), and then a couple essential oils-rosemary, frankincense, peppermint, clove, and digestblend. Plus L glutamine and b-complex

Kinda Paranoid and also Kinda the Flu...

So I came home with a something from my trip last week...and it may be the flu.
Saturday I was very sick, sweating, chills, fever, nausea, didn't feel like eating, coughing, sounds about like the flu. I took a bunch of things, Sunday was better, and Monday I was almost back to normal. Whatever I took helped for sure.

Now I just have this lingering fatigue and cough. As usual with this fatigue I get this depression, that leaves me thinking.
Whenever I get depressed it's like I'm stuck in my head. I'm too tired to do something to keep myself distracted. But of course I'm no near tired enough to actually take a nap. I've got energy, I'm stuck in my head, I don't feel like actually doing anything....recipe for disaster.

I know this time it was just a little bug, may not have even been the flu. I only picked the flu because everyone in my family has had it recently, must be my turn I guess.
But what about next time, I have tried so hard to get over this Lyme disease and all of its co infections, what if I had to start back from ground zero. Full symptoms and no doctor, what if I had to do that again. Can I even do that again? Physically what would happen? My brain is already shot. I already know it will probably be the last of my organs to get back to what it should be doing(like right now I should be asleep, but this is the best thinking I've done all day). It takes nerves up to 8 years to heal, if I can get may brain in the repair stage before the year is over it would still be 2024 before my brain and the rest of my nervous system is healed.

In the accident that triggered this illness I stretched the nerve in my left arm, lost feeling in all my fingers. It's five years later and feeling is back significantly but overall dulled. That's just one nerve that wasn't broken, I know the Lyme has impeded healing but still.

I mean common sense tells me my brain is fine it's just neurotoxins. Once my body isn't infected and toxic it will work just like it should. The thing is I just don't know.

My muscles and my stomach have taken a beating. Now that I am doing better I've been looking back on what's changed. My muscles have changed. Very much shrunken and I can't exercise.

Yesterday I took a home stomach acid test dr.Jowdy told me to do. I had to drink a water/baking soda solution right after getting up, if it took longer than five minutes to belch the stomach isn't producing a significant amount of acid. I never belched or burped. So as per his instructions I ordered some betaine hcl to take with meals. This would explain why I don't feel like eating, food doesn't leave my stomach, I feel it all day long. It could also explain why I did so well last week on all of the junk food, it's already broken down into nothing.
Anyway, Amazon said my HCL will be here by 8pm tomorrow. I'll report back with results.

Now that I got a little sidetracked, here's why I went from talking about my muscles to my stomach. I think that maybe because I'm always trying to digest food(I don't cycle through full/empty between meals) and not actually getting the nutrients, my muscles don't have the nutrients they need to build themselves. Trying the HCL will be interesting, maybe this will be affected.

All of this has just been running through my mind. Like what if I don't actually get well. What if all of these remedies are just a band aid and making me feel better for the time being. What if I do get better for a while then it all comes back and I don't have access to the Hansa Center or any natural Doctor that I like? I would have to live through the herxing again and not knowing if this antibiotic was going to do anything, just hoping that this one or this combo was the one to help me get better(again). What if after all this I get something else and have to learn an all new disease and find a new doctor? Just over and over I keep thinking about these what if questions.

I know I could do it again. I haven't even finished this time around but I have faith that I will, but my mind keeps my head spinning.

I guess after all this there will be a lot to remember, good and bad.