Five Years Online

 Thankfulness

It just occured to me that last month was the 5th birthday of my blog! I cannot believe I have been writing for this long and that people actually read what I share.

I have so much to be grateful for, my life has changed for the positive significantly.

This week has been good for me for the most part but some friends of mine have not had as great of a Thanksgiving week. My neighbor died early this morning, this man had been like an extra grandparent to me but due to his declining health over the last few years we have seen him less and less. Another neighbor, who recently moved away, called us a week or two ago and told my mom how bad the neighbor had gotten and that he had reached the point where it may be better for him to pass on rather than hold on. That is always tragic news to hear, on one hand it sounds cold but on another it does make sense. Us believers have no reason to fear death, the Bible has told us many times over that we will have more to be grateful for in the next life than we ever will have on this earth. Still, the change and loss for my neighbors family will be very great this Christmas season. 

Another friend of mine, her grandmother died a few days ago. She said they were not terribly close but it was still sad. She said they had a lot of fond memories from when she was little. Again, a very sad season to lose someone. Her grandmother had been in poor health for months and the doctors in the hospitals could never come to a conclusion. 

This whole year seems like it has been filled with loss and limits. Don't do this, you can't do that. People have lost their lives, and people have lost friends due to the growing anger in the world.

I continue to count my blessings and remember all the things I have to be grateful for. I am very thankful that my family and friends have all been healthy for the most part. I am grateful I have not lost anyone this year and I pray that this holds true next year as well. 

Depersonalization

Lets Talk
Ok so my four years or so that I have been writing this blog I have shared (overshared?) on my mental health, which was severely affected by the lyme.

People that know me in person who read this blog, know how secretive I am about all of my mental health issues. Its not that I dont like to talk about it, I just dont want to seem like A complainer. Its easy to over share to a listening ear.
At my worst, I was collapsing from panic and hiding it. I would feel it coming on and I would go hide in the bathroom or shower (if I was home) and wait it out. I was hellbent about letting anyone see my breakdown, Im a save your tears for the pillow kind of person. I think that it is great to have people to share with but I dont think its the greatest to share anything and everything, all the time. Plus I am afraid of letting anyone see me fall apart, why? Not sure.

Earlier this year when I had to do hyperbaric oxygen therapy, my brain began recovering and my anxiety began going away as well as my panic and other psychological symptoms. The game began to change and I realized I was beginning to feel like "me" again. I would wake up and I was me, I would go to bed and I was me, I would go to work and I was me. I had forgotten what that felt like, I still dont entirely know how to explain all of it. I dont know how to describe what "I" feel like vs. what "that" felt like. Cold? Dark? Watching from the shadows? Living in a dream? Watching the world go by in technicolor?

I began recovering during the summer and I am still learning to rediscover myself. One odd thing ive done (or at least odd to other people) is that I dont date. At all, ever. Never been on one, never tried. And ive rejected the offers ive gotten (and ive had offers from both genders, but thats a story for another day).
Its scary to look back and realize how much I have forgotten. Its like I can see blank spaces in my memory.
Before the PANDAS I had brain fog and trouble remembering and it was severe at times, but I dont think I felt like I had forgotten chunks of my life.\
Now I think I can say that, now that I have pulled out of the PANDAS nightmare its like I can look back and see myself in this bubble of an outside reality. Its hard to believe that I felt like that, and that my body didnt feel like mine and how I could go to work and function an entirely normal day...except I spent every single minute every day thinking about how I wanted to get out of my body. I wanted to get out of it, I felt cold all the time (emotionally) and I truly didnt enjoy anything.
I had some good days of course, but I had an overwhelming number of scary days where I know that I should have reached out to someone, a professional.

Fast forward to school, this semester. Abnormal psychology class with my favorite teacher ever!
Weekly, we are assigned a case study to read on different mental dissorders. This semester I realised I could relate myself and have a story to tell on probably 85% of the disorders that we covered. OCD, depersonalization, anxiety, panic +agoraphobia, narcissism, phobias, and a few im forgetting.
On the bright side, I did a great job writing and I got some amazing grades and some emails from my professor about how great of a job I have done. But I have talked to her and she knows about my health issues and I have written on them for school, all in all, I learned more about me and the seriousness of what some of what I went through was.
Depersonalisation was one that we covered towards the beginning of the semester, watching the assigned videos and reading the case study was an eye opening moment.
Depersonalization and Multiple personality disorder are related to eachother, usually depersonalsation will happen first and in the worse case scenario a persons personality will split and create "alters" to "protect" them from whatever the initial trauma was.
Multiple personality disorder is extremely rare, <1% of the US population. Often shows up in young kids, not necessarily adults (if I remember correctly).

The class really made me understand what kind of stress my body was under, for me to pull away from "myself" and feel so "gone" and distant, my brain would have had to have been under a heavy assault. I stand in awe today, that I am still here. I am for the most part, OK. Progress is still to be made but ya know what? Im alright.
I thank God. Once again man didn't have any answer as to what was wrong with me and they couldnt see the severity of what was happening to me. I prayed to die, a lot.
Suicide is something that gets covered extensively in any psych class, its a big deal and it is not as uncommon as it should be. I know for a fact that if I did not pray to God and have faith that everything was for a purpose, and that I did not pray for God to lead me through this stronger than when I first started, I would have killed myself. The professor talking about this subject was "triggering" it woke up a lot of thoughts and memories and stirred plenty of emotions. I put myself in the shoes of others, for the "what if" scenario and I did not want to walk that reality.
Thats not what I was put on this earth for.
I learned that if I had been truthful about my psychological stresses to my therapist when I was going, that I would have been put on high risk suicide watch because I met the criteria by 3 fold or so.
One of the questions during this particular lesson was, how many times a day / week do you think about death or suicide.
The "normal" number, was not a very big one at all.
The amount of times a "sick" person who either might or did commit suicide, was a fraction of my number. A small fraction.
In other words, I contemplated death and suicide by conscious thought way more than what was okay (not that any is okay, our thoughts can be sending us a message).
Depersonalization plays into a lot of psych issues including PTSD, depression, MPD, and severe panic or trauma. It is another psychological issue that does not just "happen" and "last", like (unfortunatly) depression or anxiety can.
Anxiety usually comes in a wave, may last minutes or hours, but then at some point it will end and may not happen again for a while. Depersonalisation is kinda like a cloud, it hovers and stays, lasting for days. Weeks. 2 years.
It alters reality and perception, self image and outlook on life.

I now understand why I did not handle lyme the same way as some of the other people I know who have been affected, it was due to PANDAS and severe infectious+autoimmune trauma to my brain and nervous system. I am grateful for my recovery, I am not done yet but I am "me"and I am thankful to God for giving me purpose and giving me the voice to help give others hope. I havent met anyone on this planet yet that hasnt been through SOMETHING that was in need of empathy and understanding.

Why do I bring this up?
Todays post has nothing to do with me, i'm doing alright and today was a good day. I was watching a video on youtube from a person I watch on a frequent ish basis, and this person was talking about why they havent posted anything in a while and it was due to depression, anxiety and depersonalisation.

This person has been on meds for depression for almost a decade, and this year they began to quit working and the replacement meds weren't working either. He talked about depersonalisation and how he felt like he was in a dream, he was talking on the phone with his mom and said it didnt feel like he was even talking on the phone or doing anything. He was just there.
I couldnt help but wonder if he tried alternative medicine like I have, would he be recovering or have answers as to why the drugs stopped working?
Watching him talk about what happened to him woke up some thoughts from class that I thought I should share with you guys. Offer some hope, life can and will get better. I am thankful I only had this for just a few years instead of decades.
I cannot stress enough that help is out there, it just takes a little time and patience to find. Dont ignore what your body is saying, whether it be joint pain from lyme, panic attacks from strep, PTSD from trauma, whatever it may be. Its a side affect of a problem that our bodies are trying to get us to pay attention to, they arent a torture sentence for punishment.

I can easily keep talking about this subject, working around sick people and lyme patients on a frequent basis has opened my eyes towards how common psychological suffering is...and how many different ways it manifests itself.
Its sad that we are all walking this earth together, each one of us fighting a personal battle either small or large, and yet we are all "good" whenever the shallow "how are you?" gets asked.
Love is free, we dont have to understand anything at all to show kindness to someone in need. I talk a good talk when it comes to seeming like I know a thing or two about disease and psychological things, but at the heart of it all I just want to be a caring human who wants to warm someones day. I do not understand what it is like to have cancer, to lose a spouse or a parent, or what it is like to fight in combat, but I can still offer someone a listening ear and the few thoughts I have to share (Im a guy I like to offer a solution, its how im wired).

Anyway, I havent written anything long in a while so I guess its been over due. I wasnt even planning on writing anything today, but thats usually how it goes.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Thankful for the Pain

In All Things
I praise God for my life and the contents of it. I praise God for my life. I praise God for this unique opportunity to learn that is unlike no other, that we here on earth call Lyme disease. I thank my heavenly Father for my body, even though my body and I often have different dreams and aspirations for the day ahead. We tend to be polar opposites in fact, I would love to go on an adventure or go out with some friends. Or even tackle a long list of cleaning chores I would love to accomplish to declutter my drawers and closet. My body prefers to...how should I say it...use its louder voice, and tell me to tighten the reigns on some of these aspirations instead. I still fight it, I may want to organize my dresser or my nightstand and end up doing only 1 drawer. In my mind I still won, just don't tell my body that.

I praise Him who has given me the ability of communication. He has given me a gift in understanding others and relating to their circumstances better. I know He has allowed me to touch many other lives throughout my journey and helped me to be able to ease the pain of others. Even when I am hurting and suffering deep down inside. It all happens for a reason, something positive will happen through all of this.

I am thankful for my perseverance. As long as I am alive I can fight. As long as I am alive I can reach for more goals and help other people. Thanks to this blog I may even be able to touch people decades after I am gone, who knows. I often wish I wasn't alive. I even pray for it sometimes. Sometimes I pray for it all of the time. Truth is I am still here and deep down I know I am going to be walking this earth for a while now. I just wish to end the suffering and the seemingly endless search for a solution. Some days I am just so tired that I cannot get anything accomplished and unfortunately I live on the worlds time table of deadlines that must be met, not everything can be left for tomorrow. I am thankful for my time management skills, which have allowed me to juggle sick days and busy days so that I can hit my deadlines or even beat them. In all honesty, if I could not manage my time there is NO way I would be able to be a student and work. I could manage one or the other I believe, but it would be a less pleasant environment filled with stress.

I am ever so thankful for my medical team. I have a local doctor who is familiar with my case and is always willing to run tests or give me a referral if need be. She also provides me with infusions of nutrients to strengthen my body. In between visits to the clinic, she helps keep me going. AND because she takes insurance she has made blood tests much more affordable.
My Kansas clinic has taken me a long long way through fighting disease ands strengthening my body. I often wonder why I have been such a difficult case and have had such relapses that end in my growing frustration. They do great work, I believe my doctor is one of the best. Due to some sort of changes in my doctors life he has changed clinics, so next time I return to Kansas it most likely will not be to the Hansa Center, it will be to the new clinic my doctor is working at. I am ok with this change, I just do not know what tp expect in my future as far as how treatment will go. Im sure it will be similar, maybe even a step up who knows.

I am so thankful for some very special people in my life. Here lately I do not think I have gone more than a post without mentioning my best friend, he has been such an inspiration to keep me going. Some of my coworkers also mean the world to me and I look forward to seeing them every day. Plus several other great friends of mine, one girl, she's probably my best girl friend, is there for about anything I need and she gets it. She's been through plenty of traumatic things in her life that she understands what its like to be alone and miserable. Theres several more friends that I see on a frequent basis that I cannot imagine living without, I have some good people in my life.

Last of all, for this post anyway 'cause I gotta get to bed, I am thankful for all of the pain I have been through. Without pain I wouldn't understand what "good" is. I could not possibly fathom what life would be like if I had never learned the meaning of miserable and depression. I would have never learned to appreciate the good times if I had never spent days and weeks crying until there were no tears left to cry. I would not know what living on the edge of collapse actually meant, and I certainly wouldn't understand the importance of treating my body like a temple. I watch all my friends eat synthetic junk food and I know what its doing to their body, I am not perfect when it comes to eating healthy but I do treat my body pretty darn well in my opinion! No twinkies or pizza rolls are going into this body, nooooooo.
I would have no gauge for the light if I had never seen the dark, if this is the dark I am still living through I know I must have one bright light ahead of me :)