Im back at the clinic! It was a strenuous process to get here but hey we made it.
Yesterday was my first day seeing the Doctor again. We did the usual, going over blood work and test results then following up with some kind of plan. It’s all become rather routine at this point.
My blood work made some excellent improvements in some areas, Iron and ferritin are both back in range for the first time(maybe ever), vitami. d is great, blood cells are normal, and a few other good things.
Albumin is high, alt is high, easoniphils haven’t budged, and cholesterol still doesn’t want to improve .
We think we may have an answer to some of my gut issues though. My doctor thinks I may have easinophilic esophagitis, which would be an over abundance of easoniphils in my throat and stomach. Which would be why swallowig, eating, and all of that is very difficult. We believe it may have been strep induced at some point in time. Causing an autoimmune type reaction.
So yesterday he took me off all of my supplements and put me on just one thing. It’s a homeopathic for correcting easoniphils specific.
We’ve done parasite treatment in the past and allergy treatment, which are usually the causes of eosinophils being elevated. This time we are trying something different, treating the response instead of a potential cause.
In other news, I am not showing any signs of parasites this go round and I didn’t last round either. So seems to be I may have made some standing progress in the wormy department.
Cellular hydration was something else we talked about yesterday and will be working on throughout the week. Something showed up on my blood work and I’m my symptoms that made my doctor think I may not be absorbing water like I’m supposed to, even though I drink like a fish.
This could also be contributing to my dizziness. Cellular hydration isn’t something I’ve spoken about too much, it’s not necessarily an everyday sort of thing. But in the event of an auto immune disease, hey anything goes.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Into the Valley
Hi all, im sorry for being so quiet lately. So so so much has been going on in my life over the last few weeks.
Work has been crazy busy, which is great. My energy has held up and I've been able to stay active through this time. I love being able to do that, this week I've even worked through lunch all 4 days this week. I don't do that often and usually I appreciate having the break but this week, the opportunity was there to keep going and I wanted to take it.
Tomorrow is the day for me to fly back to Kansas so that I can see my doctor on Monday. I think this week will bring great results. I have high hopes. But, as the usual goes...I will feel worse before feeling better. This thought is always daunting, I never know the severity of whats to come. Ive been doing so well the last few weeks I almost hate to mess with it, but at the same time...on a scale of very sick to normal human function, I'm still below normal human function. Dizziness, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, and even nearly blacking out have been normal symptoms lately. Ive dropped to my knees many times over the last few weeks because I all the sudden become too weak to stand anymore. Not good. So without a doubt I need to see my doctor.
The uncertainty does scare me though. I don't like being able to look at my calendar today and say 3 days from todays post I will feel significantly worse than I do right now. It just seems wrong that I am literally planning for myself to become sick, because treatment will have begun.
I don't like being able to look on my calendar and say from Tuesday on, ill feel sicker than normal and its just gonna stay that way. Same for Saturday, the day after flying home I always feel worse and end up in a funk. I just...I don't like that feeling.
I have had several tests performed recently. Full autoimmune panel and a full adrenal and hormone test, all came back well. Adrenals are just barely out of range upon waking and my DHEA is a little high, other than that I passed everything with flying colors. Only if my body knew how well I was doing, that would be great.
I have a lot more to post, but unfortunately I also have a lot more to pack so I have to sign off for now. Ill be posting more this week to keep you all updated on my week with the doctor.
Work has been crazy busy, which is great. My energy has held up and I've been able to stay active through this time. I love being able to do that, this week I've even worked through lunch all 4 days this week. I don't do that often and usually I appreciate having the break but this week, the opportunity was there to keep going and I wanted to take it.
Tomorrow is the day for me to fly back to Kansas so that I can see my doctor on Monday. I think this week will bring great results. I have high hopes. But, as the usual goes...I will feel worse before feeling better. This thought is always daunting, I never know the severity of whats to come. Ive been doing so well the last few weeks I almost hate to mess with it, but at the same time...on a scale of very sick to normal human function, I'm still below normal human function. Dizziness, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, and even nearly blacking out have been normal symptoms lately. Ive dropped to my knees many times over the last few weeks because I all the sudden become too weak to stand anymore. Not good. So without a doubt I need to see my doctor.
The uncertainty does scare me though. I don't like being able to look at my calendar today and say 3 days from todays post I will feel significantly worse than I do right now. It just seems wrong that I am literally planning for myself to become sick, because treatment will have begun.
I don't like being able to look on my calendar and say from Tuesday on, ill feel sicker than normal and its just gonna stay that way. Same for Saturday, the day after flying home I always feel worse and end up in a funk. I just...I don't like that feeling.
I have had several tests performed recently. Full autoimmune panel and a full adrenal and hormone test, all came back well. Adrenals are just barely out of range upon waking and my DHEA is a little high, other than that I passed everything with flying colors. Only if my body knew how well I was doing, that would be great.
I have a lot more to post, but unfortunately I also have a lot more to pack so I have to sign off for now. Ill be posting more this week to keep you all updated on my week with the doctor.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Snow Globe Syndrome
Do you guys ever feel like you are living in a bubble? I sure do. All the time, more so lately than ever. I just cannot figure out when I walked out of reality into my own little bubble for one.
I feel like I can only see whats going on around me, never actually touching the outside world. I know others can see me but its like no one can get any closer than just out of reach.
I call it Snow Globe syndrome. I can see out into the real world from my own bubble and every one else can see in, but theres this thin layer that creates a divide between the two world. Each world just barely out of reach from the other.
I often find myself on the sidelines watching others. I watch what everyone else is doing. I know whats happening its right in front of me after all. I don't understand it though, its a world out there that I no longer comprehend. Its just me in my own little snow globe, watching my friends and family do regular human activities bringing them enjoyment. Ive reached the point where I don't even understand how some activities can create enjoyment, like whats the point?
People have tried to reach into my little bubble and I always reach out. I hope that this will be the time that someone rescues me from my own little world. Unfortunately it usually ends in me getting dropped back into the snow globe even rougher than the time before. Its like I can reach so far and just start to feel the other side, what its like to be normal, then I slip and fall. Back to the bottom.
I don't know what to do, Im not sure who to reach out to. Im sure other people out there feel like I do, I couldn't be the only one. People feel alienated all the time, why can't we all understand each other better instead of pushing each other farther apart.
What will it be like to leave the snow globe? It has to happen one day, but when and how? Thats the question I ask.
These days I feel like I am just a sideline listener just trying to make it through the day. It hasn't always been like this and it won't always be like this. I just want to know how long it will be like this.
I feel like I can only see whats going on around me, never actually touching the outside world. I know others can see me but its like no one can get any closer than just out of reach.
I call it Snow Globe syndrome. I can see out into the real world from my own bubble and every one else can see in, but theres this thin layer that creates a divide between the two world. Each world just barely out of reach from the other.
I often find myself on the sidelines watching others. I watch what everyone else is doing. I know whats happening its right in front of me after all. I don't understand it though, its a world out there that I no longer comprehend. Its just me in my own little snow globe, watching my friends and family do regular human activities bringing them enjoyment. Ive reached the point where I don't even understand how some activities can create enjoyment, like whats the point?
People have tried to reach into my little bubble and I always reach out. I hope that this will be the time that someone rescues me from my own little world. Unfortunately it usually ends in me getting dropped back into the snow globe even rougher than the time before. Its like I can reach so far and just start to feel the other side, what its like to be normal, then I slip and fall. Back to the bottom.
I don't know what to do, Im not sure who to reach out to. Im sure other people out there feel like I do, I couldn't be the only one. People feel alienated all the time, why can't we all understand each other better instead of pushing each other farther apart.
What will it be like to leave the snow globe? It has to happen one day, but when and how? Thats the question I ask.
These days I feel like I am just a sideline listener just trying to make it through the day. It hasn't always been like this and it won't always be like this. I just want to know how long it will be like this.
The Hamster Chronicles-Are you Under this Rock?
I went off in search for my missing hamster today. I searched high and low and still no sign of the little guy. I searched in the trees and in the yard, I even crawled under a rock and thought you know what? Im just going to stay here today. So here I am, hiding under a rock.
Today was visit number three with my newest addition to my support team, Jeff the counselor. These last few days have not been the greatest. Emotional havoc and all that. Ya know the usual.
Feelings of being trapped in a defective body, feelings of being stuck in a snow globe out of reach from the rest of the world, and the feeling of chasing a parked car. I just run a bit low on hope and a bit high on panic.
Physically I'm not sure how sick I actually am. I had a lot of back pain over the weekend but my amazing chiropractor set that straight. Ive had some headaches which have led to some severe brain fog and confusion, other than that I don't know how ill I've felt this week. Nothing severe, not perfect but honestly I made it through.
Emotionally Ive fallen to bitty pieces because of this and that and that and that and that too! Constant frustration runs through my head. Its like it is never ending, I am constantly stuck in my head. I don't think any of my physical problems would be as bad as they are if they wouldn't get stuck in my head. Emotional problems stick in my head until the problem takes the last ones place. Its an endless vicious cycle.
Im frustrated I have no one to turn to when Im feeling sick or down. Im frustrated no one gets it. I have no idea what I am even supposed to be doing to combat my issues right now. Hence the need for my counselor.
So I spent this afternoon talking to him for a bit about whats stuck in my mind. At the end of it he asked me if I felt like he was understanding what was wrong. He wanted to make sure he got it, the best someone without lyme could get it. I appreciated that immensely. Time went by very quickly and before I knew it our time was up. I left there with the understanding that some of the issues bugging me are not as severe as I feel they are. He made me aware of what I was hyper reacting to and the consequences of it. He didn't make me feel like I was crazy or emotionally out of control, he mainly just listened. He interrupted a few times to make sure he was understanding what I was saying so he could get it, but the time was mostly me word vomiting.
Im starting to warm up a little more to the counselor idea. One thing I do feel is that seeing Jeff is like spending time with one of my best friends, just focused more on me. I feel like Jeff is taking the place of a supportive friend, which I lack. I have good friends but when it comes to me needing help they tend to make theirselves scarce. Often times leaving me aggravated with someone, which in turn means ill inevitably start an argument..that will not be productive in any way.
With May being lyme awareness month I had hoped one of my friends would do something for me or for awareness. I shared the take out of lyme challenge with everyone, I posted it on social media and I talked about it with anyone that would give me the opportunity. Every time it ended in someone turning their nose up or changing the subject. I point blank asked my best friend to do it, he was going to do it until he just never did.
Long story short, once again no one took my hints or did anything for lyme awareness.
This left me feeling small and insignificant. I try every year to raise awareness and every year Im a one man marching band.
I wish I knew the magic code for getting peoples attention for these things....me being sick is no big deal to anyone but me.
If I had someone that cared that deeply for me I wouldn't need Jeff or any other counselor
Status-Frustrated the hamster got an escape and I didn't
Today was visit number three with my newest addition to my support team, Jeff the counselor. These last few days have not been the greatest. Emotional havoc and all that. Ya know the usual.
Feelings of being trapped in a defective body, feelings of being stuck in a snow globe out of reach from the rest of the world, and the feeling of chasing a parked car. I just run a bit low on hope and a bit high on panic.
Physically I'm not sure how sick I actually am. I had a lot of back pain over the weekend but my amazing chiropractor set that straight. Ive had some headaches which have led to some severe brain fog and confusion, other than that I don't know how ill I've felt this week. Nothing severe, not perfect but honestly I made it through.
Emotionally Ive fallen to bitty pieces because of this and that and that and that and that too! Constant frustration runs through my head. Its like it is never ending, I am constantly stuck in my head. I don't think any of my physical problems would be as bad as they are if they wouldn't get stuck in my head. Emotional problems stick in my head until the problem takes the last ones place. Its an endless vicious cycle.
Im frustrated I have no one to turn to when Im feeling sick or down. Im frustrated no one gets it. I have no idea what I am even supposed to be doing to combat my issues right now. Hence the need for my counselor.
So I spent this afternoon talking to him for a bit about whats stuck in my mind. At the end of it he asked me if I felt like he was understanding what was wrong. He wanted to make sure he got it, the best someone without lyme could get it. I appreciated that immensely. Time went by very quickly and before I knew it our time was up. I left there with the understanding that some of the issues bugging me are not as severe as I feel they are. He made me aware of what I was hyper reacting to and the consequences of it. He didn't make me feel like I was crazy or emotionally out of control, he mainly just listened. He interrupted a few times to make sure he was understanding what I was saying so he could get it, but the time was mostly me word vomiting.
Im starting to warm up a little more to the counselor idea. One thing I do feel is that seeing Jeff is like spending time with one of my best friends, just focused more on me. I feel like Jeff is taking the place of a supportive friend, which I lack. I have good friends but when it comes to me needing help they tend to make theirselves scarce. Often times leaving me aggravated with someone, which in turn means ill inevitably start an argument..that will not be productive in any way.
With May being lyme awareness month I had hoped one of my friends would do something for me or for awareness. I shared the take out of lyme challenge with everyone, I posted it on social media and I talked about it with anyone that would give me the opportunity. Every time it ended in someone turning their nose up or changing the subject. I point blank asked my best friend to do it, he was going to do it until he just never did.
Long story short, once again no one took my hints or did anything for lyme awareness.
This left me feeling small and insignificant. I try every year to raise awareness and every year Im a one man marching band.
I wish I knew the magic code for getting peoples attention for these things....me being sick is no big deal to anyone but me.
If I had someone that cared that deeply for me I wouldn't need Jeff or any other counselor
Status-Frustrated the hamster got an escape and I didn't
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Beginning Therapy
Therapy
Well you guys, today was the day. The day I was never intending to happen. The day that has been on my mind since last September. I have never wanted to see a therapist. I have always been afraid a therapist would tell me that all of my problems are in my head or they are my fault. The last thing I can deal with right now is someone else telling me to get my crap together and pick myself up by my bootstraps. Been there, tried that.
I think that...I am glad to say...it went well...
Today was visit number 2. Last week was intake, I met a man named Jeff who asked me questions on my medical history and explained the whole counseling process to me. Then today, I met with Jeff again. He asked me more on my medical history so I explained more to him on how I have fought with lyme and the trauma that has come about from it. We also talked about family history and my childhood. It was a lot but in a good way.
Jeff asked me a bunch of questions, ending in me talking. A lot. Today we focused the most on the initial trauma of becoming ill and how I was raised. It wasn't terribly hard to talk about like it can be. I think now that I've gotten to meet the guy I am getting more comfortable talking to him. But on the other hand today was a fairly good day, which I also mentioned to him. It just feels so strange to me to tell all of my personal life to someone who is a complete stranger. I don't even tell my friends some of this stuff and I know them...so to pour out any imagine-able detail about my life to this guy sitting in a chair with a sheet of paper...new experience to say the least....
It went well though. I felt no worse when I left than when I walked in, so it couldn't have been that bad. He didn't call me crazy or say anything offensive. I didn't really expect him too, but it is a fear of course. I don't know though, its still a peculiar environment for me. So far its just been me explaining my life to him, something tell me thats how its going to be for a while...I usually have a lot to say.
At the end of the session he asked what I was looking for in a counselor, I told him I was looking for someone who understood what it was like to be sick all the time. Someone who understands the things that healthy people don't understand.
he said they do not have anyone who specializes in sickness or anyone particular he thought was exactly what I was looking for, so he offered to be my therapist. Of course I said yes, so we will see how things go with my new therapist Jeff. I do have the freedom to request a new counselor at any point, that makes me feel more comfortable just in case something happens.
The Mental Breakdown
So that was my day today. Today and the last several days have not been too bad....last Friday though-not so great.
Last week was a tad rough at work. I didn't think it was all that bad until I reached the end of the week and I realized something, I felt like death. I wasn't functioning well at work at all. One of the people I was working with even looked over and asked me if I was alright. On bad days I try my best to hide how I feel at work, I don't want anyone to worry about me or think Im complaining. When someone notices Im not myself, I know I have reached the point of feeling much worse than I even realize.
Friday that held true. The further through the day I crawled the less I wanted to do anything. Friday evening came around and I just started to loose it. Physically I was feeling just mildly sick, mentally I shattered. I had friends over (thats all I remember, I don't remember what friends or what we did) at my house, I was barely present for that. When they left I made it to the shower and just bawled my eyes out. My brain was racing with negative thoughts. I couldn't think of anything that made me happy. It didn't matter what crossed my mind it caused me upset and frustration. I didn't know who to turn to, in fact this time I don't think i turned to anyone. I just took some medication and turned on some music. That was all I felt like doing....I hate feeling like that. On the nights that I feel entirely worthless and a waste of space I feel like I undo every bit of positive thinking and a happy moments that I have struggled to create.
I keep telling myself that I or someone will find a solution to help me feel human again. I want to be me all the time, not just sometime or on rare occasions.
Im blaming work stress for breaking my mind to shards this time. This week at work I decided to take a new approach, the "I don't care because I can quit at any time" approach. Maybe its working.
Today I have without a doubt a couple of things running through my mind that have distracted me from feeling like myself. Its not severe..I just hope it stays that way.
My summer class starts tomorrow, I hope its easy enough to not stress me out but hard enough to keep my mind on track.
Until next time...
Well you guys, today was the day. The day I was never intending to happen. The day that has been on my mind since last September. I have never wanted to see a therapist. I have always been afraid a therapist would tell me that all of my problems are in my head or they are my fault. The last thing I can deal with right now is someone else telling me to get my crap together and pick myself up by my bootstraps. Been there, tried that.
I think that...I am glad to say...it went well...
Today was visit number 2. Last week was intake, I met a man named Jeff who asked me questions on my medical history and explained the whole counseling process to me. Then today, I met with Jeff again. He asked me more on my medical history so I explained more to him on how I have fought with lyme and the trauma that has come about from it. We also talked about family history and my childhood. It was a lot but in a good way.
Jeff asked me a bunch of questions, ending in me talking. A lot. Today we focused the most on the initial trauma of becoming ill and how I was raised. It wasn't terribly hard to talk about like it can be. I think now that I've gotten to meet the guy I am getting more comfortable talking to him. But on the other hand today was a fairly good day, which I also mentioned to him. It just feels so strange to me to tell all of my personal life to someone who is a complete stranger. I don't even tell my friends some of this stuff and I know them...so to pour out any imagine-able detail about my life to this guy sitting in a chair with a sheet of paper...new experience to say the least....
It went well though. I felt no worse when I left than when I walked in, so it couldn't have been that bad. He didn't call me crazy or say anything offensive. I didn't really expect him too, but it is a fear of course. I don't know though, its still a peculiar environment for me. So far its just been me explaining my life to him, something tell me thats how its going to be for a while...I usually have a lot to say.
At the end of the session he asked what I was looking for in a counselor, I told him I was looking for someone who understood what it was like to be sick all the time. Someone who understands the things that healthy people don't understand.
he said they do not have anyone who specializes in sickness or anyone particular he thought was exactly what I was looking for, so he offered to be my therapist. Of course I said yes, so we will see how things go with my new therapist Jeff. I do have the freedom to request a new counselor at any point, that makes me feel more comfortable just in case something happens.
The Mental Breakdown
So that was my day today. Today and the last several days have not been too bad....last Friday though-not so great.
Last week was a tad rough at work. I didn't think it was all that bad until I reached the end of the week and I realized something, I felt like death. I wasn't functioning well at work at all. One of the people I was working with even looked over and asked me if I was alright. On bad days I try my best to hide how I feel at work, I don't want anyone to worry about me or think Im complaining. When someone notices Im not myself, I know I have reached the point of feeling much worse than I even realize.
Friday that held true. The further through the day I crawled the less I wanted to do anything. Friday evening came around and I just started to loose it. Physically I was feeling just mildly sick, mentally I shattered. I had friends over (thats all I remember, I don't remember what friends or what we did) at my house, I was barely present for that. When they left I made it to the shower and just bawled my eyes out. My brain was racing with negative thoughts. I couldn't think of anything that made me happy. It didn't matter what crossed my mind it caused me upset and frustration. I didn't know who to turn to, in fact this time I don't think i turned to anyone. I just took some medication and turned on some music. That was all I felt like doing....I hate feeling like that. On the nights that I feel entirely worthless and a waste of space I feel like I undo every bit of positive thinking and a happy moments that I have struggled to create.
I keep telling myself that I or someone will find a solution to help me feel human again. I want to be me all the time, not just sometime or on rare occasions.
Im blaming work stress for breaking my mind to shards this time. This week at work I decided to take a new approach, the "I don't care because I can quit at any time" approach. Maybe its working.
Today I have without a doubt a couple of things running through my mind that have distracted me from feeling like myself. Its not severe..I just hope it stays that way.
My summer class starts tomorrow, I hope its easy enough to not stress me out but hard enough to keep my mind on track.
Until next time...
Saturday, May 26, 2018
My Own Little Corner
This weekend has been rocky and it isn't even over yet. My brain has been scrambled eggs. I spent last night feeling OCD and depressed. I cried in the shower because I didn't know what else to do. I still don't know what to do. My brain wants to keep upsetting thoughts in circulation and important thoughts forgotten. The sadness and loneliness was unbearable.
I started the intake process with the school councilor last week. I go back this week for something, I think i get placed with a councilor. Im not entirely sure how it works, I just know I have to go back.
Getting the process started was so uncomfortable to me, I had to explain to the intake councilor about lyme disease and why it causes me such hassles. I used to not mind sharing my story but with how I feel these days I feel like so...sick of sharing. It feels like my business, not someone elses. But I did it, nothing bad came of it. He didn't try to tell me anything about lyme, he did of course bring up the CD C and wondered why they didn't do anything about it. I didn't entirely appreciate how he asked me about it, im the patient not the doctor. Why on earth would I honestly care about the CDC, I have a long list of complaints about the CDC but lets be real, the CDC recognizes the Flu, HIV, Tuberculosis, and a ton of other diseases but can a person with HIV be cured? No. Would I ask a person with HIV about the CDC not being able to treat them? No, it probably get looked at like I had lost my marbles.
But its fine. Ive made it this far. I keep telling myself that its time to seek professional help, I have lost so much enjoyment in life that I know I would have if I could just think straight. At this point Ill even try anti depressants and/or anxiety medication, not long ago I would have said I would never take those meds unless it was an emergency. But its time. I think anxiety is part of the reason my eating has been so bizarre and why I never feel like eating. I think depression and OCD are why I can't enjoy anything and why I never feel like anything is good enough. Its gotta change.
Lately I have not been feeling that bad at all-if I discount my emotional turmoil. I have had some back pain, other than that I haven't been hurting much. Fatigue has been significant but because of the OCD and things I haven't been able to sleep...the last two nights, with the help of meds, I have been able to sleep deeper. Today I have for sure had more energy.
Heart and blood pressure symptoms have been an issue, they are probably the only ones I have that aren't related to anxiety or depression related. They could be indirectly though. I just know that if my mood was stabilized and normalized I would probably be feeling great right now, or even more often.
It is hard for me to go the councilor route though, I don't bond with just anyone, I don't feel comfortable speaking to just anyone, and my brain fog will keep me from being able to speak my thoughts clearly. I am going to try to push through it. Currently the only people who know I am trying to pursue this is you guys that have found this blog online, two friends, and my mom. Thats it, I don't think ill change that anytime soon either.
Last night something really triggered me. I was speaking to my best friend and he told me he probably won't be able to go with me to Kansas again this year. I am trying to go back to the clinic in either August or December, so theres time to plan out ahead. Or so i thought. I don't want to keep going through treatment alone like I am. I want and need a friend with me. It takes a lot out of me by sitting in a hotel room listening to the world around me go round while I watch some tv show that I don't enjoy. It makes me feel so small and worthless knowing my friends and family are at home living their life, making money at work, hanging out with other people, and all I can do is keep the hotel bed planted on the floor.
I hate it. It made me feel a billion times better having my best friend with me last visit. I wasn't uncomfortable and I didn't feel so alienated from the living world. I had a friend with me, someone there just for me to see that I was okay. I was much more stable and well feeling having him with me....
I don't want to go back to my doctor at all if its just going to be me staring down the four walls between clinic visits.
I don't even have the energy to go off and go walking or anything after seeing the doctor usually, otherwise I would try to find things to do but its just not that easy....
Its hard for me to find encouragement. Its hard for me to get out of my own head. Its hard for me to trust anyone. Its hard to feel the love from those around me. Its hard to enjoy anything. Day to day activities have just become a distraction between sleeping.
I sure hope that hamster is enjoying its vacation from the wheel....
I started the intake process with the school councilor last week. I go back this week for something, I think i get placed with a councilor. Im not entirely sure how it works, I just know I have to go back.
Getting the process started was so uncomfortable to me, I had to explain to the intake councilor about lyme disease and why it causes me such hassles. I used to not mind sharing my story but with how I feel these days I feel like so...sick of sharing. It feels like my business, not someone elses. But I did it, nothing bad came of it. He didn't try to tell me anything about lyme, he did of course bring up the CD C and wondered why they didn't do anything about it. I didn't entirely appreciate how he asked me about it, im the patient not the doctor. Why on earth would I honestly care about the CDC, I have a long list of complaints about the CDC but lets be real, the CDC recognizes the Flu, HIV, Tuberculosis, and a ton of other diseases but can a person with HIV be cured? No. Would I ask a person with HIV about the CDC not being able to treat them? No, it probably get looked at like I had lost my marbles.
But its fine. Ive made it this far. I keep telling myself that its time to seek professional help, I have lost so much enjoyment in life that I know I would have if I could just think straight. At this point Ill even try anti depressants and/or anxiety medication, not long ago I would have said I would never take those meds unless it was an emergency. But its time. I think anxiety is part of the reason my eating has been so bizarre and why I never feel like eating. I think depression and OCD are why I can't enjoy anything and why I never feel like anything is good enough. Its gotta change.
Lately I have not been feeling that bad at all-if I discount my emotional turmoil. I have had some back pain, other than that I haven't been hurting much. Fatigue has been significant but because of the OCD and things I haven't been able to sleep...the last two nights, with the help of meds, I have been able to sleep deeper. Today I have for sure had more energy.
Heart and blood pressure symptoms have been an issue, they are probably the only ones I have that aren't related to anxiety or depression related. They could be indirectly though. I just know that if my mood was stabilized and normalized I would probably be feeling great right now, or even more often.
It is hard for me to go the councilor route though, I don't bond with just anyone, I don't feel comfortable speaking to just anyone, and my brain fog will keep me from being able to speak my thoughts clearly. I am going to try to push through it. Currently the only people who know I am trying to pursue this is you guys that have found this blog online, two friends, and my mom. Thats it, I don't think ill change that anytime soon either.
Last night something really triggered me. I was speaking to my best friend and he told me he probably won't be able to go with me to Kansas again this year. I am trying to go back to the clinic in either August or December, so theres time to plan out ahead. Or so i thought. I don't want to keep going through treatment alone like I am. I want and need a friend with me. It takes a lot out of me by sitting in a hotel room listening to the world around me go round while I watch some tv show that I don't enjoy. It makes me feel so small and worthless knowing my friends and family are at home living their life, making money at work, hanging out with other people, and all I can do is keep the hotel bed planted on the floor.
I hate it. It made me feel a billion times better having my best friend with me last visit. I wasn't uncomfortable and I didn't feel so alienated from the living world. I had a friend with me, someone there just for me to see that I was okay. I was much more stable and well feeling having him with me....
I don't want to go back to my doctor at all if its just going to be me staring down the four walls between clinic visits.
I don't even have the energy to go off and go walking or anything after seeing the doctor usually, otherwise I would try to find things to do but its just not that easy....
Its hard for me to find encouragement. Its hard for me to get out of my own head. Its hard for me to trust anyone. Its hard to feel the love from those around me. Its hard to enjoy anything. Day to day activities have just become a distraction between sleeping.
I sure hope that hamster is enjoying its vacation from the wheel....
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Endo Update
So sorry for my delay in posting my endoscopy results. I know I left you on a cliffhanger with the potential of cancer (once again).
I realized something, this was the second time in six months I was told I may have cancer. Good news is I am cancer negative. Bad news is we still have no explanation as to what is wrong with me. I wish I couldn't say this, but I wish they had found a stomach tumor. I so so wish that the doctor had gone down into my stomach with his scope and found a huge tumor. Then I would finally have a reason for all the issues I have been having. I would have a justification.
If it would have been cancerous then my friends and family would finally take me serious. The C word is a magical word for creating kinds and compassion in people. People will go out of their way to show how much they care. Instead I was told I have a little pre-ulcer, H.Pylori and celiac biopsies were negative. The doc didn't say if this pre ulcer could be causing all of my issues. As of today Ill be taking omeprazole twice daily, against my wishes but if it works....ill be a happy camper.
Its been so frustrating. So frustrating. I have no idea what path I need to pursue. Im tired of feeling dramatic and Im tired of feeling like i am starving. I want to look at food and think good things, not gag before I ever even take a bite.
I had a nice week the week before last. My family and I went out of town, away from all forms of communication and into the land of buffets and weight gain.
I ate whatever I wanted, I decided to not worry about it. I was fine (more less, not normal but miles better than before). I ate all sorts of junk food, no worries. I ate healthy food, again no worries. I drank things besides water like lemonade, fine.
I burped a lot, water even makes me burp. But other than that no stomach pain of any significance.
I couldn't believe it, but I was extremely grateful. When I got home I weighed myself, no weight gained. Oh well I thought.
I figured maybe the de-stressing allowed my body to get out of fight or flight mode and relax, plus i was taking sucralfate so i thought maybe it was finally kicking in.
A few days after getting home everything returned, it hasn't reached the severity it was at before the trip but the potential is there. I don't get it. I wasn't stressed. I have nothing to be stressed about, work has been great, school is out, all is well at home. I don't know what could be causing the stress.
I did have some stressful things happen this weekend which did make it worse, but my issues had already started coming back long before anything stressful happened.
So here I am. Frustrated, me and my pre ulcer. I don't know what ill do next. I have no idea what I even want to do, I keep pushing myself to see the school therapist. Maybe this week will be the week I can get myself to do that.
I realized something, this was the second time in six months I was told I may have cancer. Good news is I am cancer negative. Bad news is we still have no explanation as to what is wrong with me. I wish I couldn't say this, but I wish they had found a stomach tumor. I so so wish that the doctor had gone down into my stomach with his scope and found a huge tumor. Then I would finally have a reason for all the issues I have been having. I would have a justification.
If it would have been cancerous then my friends and family would finally take me serious. The C word is a magical word for creating kinds and compassion in people. People will go out of their way to show how much they care. Instead I was told I have a little pre-ulcer, H.Pylori and celiac biopsies were negative. The doc didn't say if this pre ulcer could be causing all of my issues. As of today Ill be taking omeprazole twice daily, against my wishes but if it works....ill be a happy camper.
Its been so frustrating. So frustrating. I have no idea what path I need to pursue. Im tired of feeling dramatic and Im tired of feeling like i am starving. I want to look at food and think good things, not gag before I ever even take a bite.
I had a nice week the week before last. My family and I went out of town, away from all forms of communication and into the land of buffets and weight gain.
I ate whatever I wanted, I decided to not worry about it. I was fine (more less, not normal but miles better than before). I ate all sorts of junk food, no worries. I ate healthy food, again no worries. I drank things besides water like lemonade, fine.
I burped a lot, water even makes me burp. But other than that no stomach pain of any significance.
I couldn't believe it, but I was extremely grateful. When I got home I weighed myself, no weight gained. Oh well I thought.
I figured maybe the de-stressing allowed my body to get out of fight or flight mode and relax, plus i was taking sucralfate so i thought maybe it was finally kicking in.
A few days after getting home everything returned, it hasn't reached the severity it was at before the trip but the potential is there. I don't get it. I wasn't stressed. I have nothing to be stressed about, work has been great, school is out, all is well at home. I don't know what could be causing the stress.
I did have some stressful things happen this weekend which did make it worse, but my issues had already started coming back long before anything stressful happened.
So here I am. Frustrated, me and my pre ulcer. I don't know what ill do next. I have no idea what I even want to do, I keep pushing myself to see the school therapist. Maybe this week will be the week I can get myself to do that.
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