The Brain Roller Coaster

It never ceases to amaze me the roller coaster we live on that we call chronic disease. We could be on top of the world on a good day and farther down in the trenches than we ever believed possible on a bad day. The brain is a funny thing, we never really know what it's doing. It's not like our liver or gut in the fact we can't just do a cleanse to improve its health. The brain takes a long time to detoxify and heal.
On our journey of chronic disease we live with an unbelievable amount of trauma, much of it unconscious. I find myself triggered by little things as of recently for no outright and obvious reason. It's as if my brain has just left me and become independent, I have no idea what it's doing. This past week or so has been extremely wearing...
I've been in several arguments with other people, the topic of course being me. My job as informed me that because of recent decline in business my hours are being cut for the time being. My hours were already irregular, now I work fewer days and on the days I do work my day is scattered. I work an hour or two then I am off an hour or two. Monday I worked 9-10, 2:30-3:30, 4-5, the day felt so long even though I hadn't accomplished near as much as I would have a few months ago.

Having more time to myself has given me even more time for my mind to wander. I already do that too much during the night when I would like to be asleep. Now I get a head start on being OCD and depressed, it all starts when I finish school in the afternoon all the way until I fall asleep that night. It gets even better though, sometimes I even dream about what is bothering me. That way when I wake up my thoughts are even more scrambles on what is reality vs what is imagination.

Two weeks ago I was doing great. I had started exercising on a daily basis, I wasn't depressed, I was excited to be around other people, I was even beating my alarm in the morning before work. I had the feeling things were starting to turn around even better than before.
This past week however hasn't been so good. The time change has messed up my sleep, so now its a struggle to wake up for work. I can't stand to be around other people but I also despise being alone, I'm paranoid about which people I talk to and what I say to them. Exercise is still going, this is probably a personal record for me, I'm just taking a day of here and there just in case the exertion is exascerbating the whole ordeal. In the beginning doing some floor exercises was therapeutic now not so much...

This is probably the worst my brain has ever been, this time around I have no idea of what could have caused it. The past several weeks I have 99% cut out junk food of any sort. I've been sticking to raw goat milk yogurt, bone broth,  calf liver, salad, juice, smoothies, beans, and nuts. I haven't felt hungry and my guy has overall felt more at ease than previously. I have been wondering if the added meat has changed my thought patterns, because before I was more so vegetarian. I eat some kind of meat most days but not to the caliber I have been.
My goal was to follow Dr.Axs leaky gut protocol. I have been taking 5g of L-Glutamine powder every day which is supposed to be fantastic for the gut and the brain. It's even supposed to be beneficial for all the mental symptoms I've been having, just apparently not the case for me. I've added in a B-Complex that I've taken in the past for an energy boost, no difference noted through.

I go back to see my doctor in Kansas this weekend, I've already had my blood drawn. All I'm doing now is waiting for the Monday to get here...
Physically I have been doing better than my average, significantly. Mentally....I have no idea what I've done :/

A quick recap of my supplement protocol that I am currently following, fish oil, vitamin D 8,000IU, a liver cleanse for my smoothie(only used it since last Monday and I don't use it daily), and then a couple essential oils-rosemary, frankincense, peppermint, clove, and digestblend. Plus L glutamine and b-complex

Supplement Update

Pills pills pills, what else do we Lyme patients know??  I am reaching that time again when I take a break from the supplements. I go back to the center next month, I always take a break from the pills. This is to see what my body can hold without extra support. Yesterday I finished my adrenal support and today I finished my hormone support.
Before long I'll finish my parasite supplements and that will be the end of my rounds.

I have been taking AdrenoLyph plus by nutri west, Parazyme A by nutri west, and Dim Palmetto prostate by Allergy research group since November. Plus a homeopathic mixture made by my doctor.
I am feeling better and have more strength. Waking up at 9:00 is no longer like pulling teeth and I don't crash at the ends of the day. I get to sleep a touch earlier on average, not always but on average it is better.
My brain comes and goes, on a bad or tired day it's the first to go. I take a fish oil to hopefully help my brain regain strength. I think I am less ADD since starting it.

When I see the doctor next month I plan on telling him about my memory fog, other than that I need to be making note of what symptoms are still bothering me. I of course still have fatigue and motivation issues. Pain is unsubstantial and sleep is good enough.
I am moody though...like last week when work and school were on my mind driving me crazy, for no reason. There are things that could be better with both, but that's life. I may have something going on with my hormones maybe?? I don't know. I'll leave that to doc

Late Night Ramblings

Looks like tonight is going to be one of those nights that I am wired until I become unconscious. Today has been a great day but it's now the wee hours of the morning and this great day won't end. This morning I wrote a blog post for Linda as a guest on her blog page- OurLymeNation
It was one of those moments I sat down with my laptop, and it all just happened. My brain wasn't fried and I felt as if my thoughts actually made it onto the screen. It has been so long since something felt easy to me, especially when it comes down to using mental energy!

Later in the afternoon I was able to get some of my own projects completed, again this never happens! I was crossing stuff off the ye ole' to do list left and right. Usually life prevents me from having that kind of spare time.  Then this evening I visited a friends house to play games. One of my friends car broke down so I went to help out. The journey was successful and we fixed a broken steering belt pulley right there on the sides of the road.

So no matter which way I look a thing my day-it was highly productive! Don't get me wrong I am not complaining, my day was great. It's my night that is frustrating me.
My usual routine is to get into bed, and turn on something to watch while I sit in the dark and begin to get tired. Tonight's program was Touched by an Angel on YouTube, love that old show. No problem here.
But as my mind begins to wander...the things in the back of my mind begin to come out of the darkness. Nothing big, it's all those little things that just add up and up and up!
My job is the complaint de jour. I love my job and the people I get to see on a daily basis. I like that I make more than minimum wage. I enjoy being in the alternative medical field getting to do things other people have never heard of. But there are some things that bother me. I just have that aching paranoid feeling that they keep me for their convenience. Like I have one foot in the door and one foot on the way out. I'm not entirely sure where this thought stems from, I have never gotten in trouble in the year and a half I've worked there and I always do what I am told. But I work in a small office with somewhere around 10 employees, with only 5/6 people on a daily basis. I certainly do not work for a super busy office. In fact, I have had three days of work canceled since the beginning of February, and several other work days cut in half. There is just no work for me to do right now. You see, because it is a  alternative medical office all the patients pay for their care out of pocket-expensive. Now that tax time is coming up, people are saving their pennies (with good reason) and skipping out on coming into the office. This creates a slump in work for me. I like to feel useful, 10ish hours of work a week to me just seems almost boring...it's two or three hours this days and two or three hours another day. I don't have a long commute, but sometimes I feel like I spend more time in my care than actually working.

I absolutely love the patients and clients I have gotten to meet and work with, there are people I legitamitly look forward to seeing when I see their name come up on my schedule. But because it is a small office and we have a limited amount of services to offer, I have very little wiggle room for moving up in position. Actually the only promotion I could possibly get is to become a doctor! There are are no other positions under or over me. I have never gotten a raise, and I never expect to get one.
Which is fine, work isn't about the money but I strive for that feeling of accomplishment. Some days I feel like my job gives me the opposite effect. I talk to people I already know and people I meet About about my office, only one person has thought we could benefit them. I have only brought my company one new patient in my year and a half of employement.
The hang up is always the cost, when I tell people an initial visit not counting supplements is about $200 people walk. They love the idea of naturally giving their health a boost, but the average overworked person needing some nutritional and adrenal support aren't interested in paying for it.

My loop of thoughts tonight has been, is my job a dead end, could I be more useful somewhere else, are they slowly trying to phase me out, what else could I do that I would have a passion for, and what should I do?!

I'm not even taking into account all f the weird looks I eat when I talk about working for an alternative doctor. Most of my relatives think alternative medicine is an expensive scam. They won't say it, but they think I could be better somewhere else.

It all just comes back on me and makes me ask the question-is there something more fun and special out there??

Okay...it's time for round two of sleeping tonight...I need to stop rambling ...

Consult with the Doc

Don't worry, I didn't disappear I'm still here.. I know it's been a while..
I've had several great days this past month, but I've also had way too many days where I just crash. Winter time has always historically been my worst. According to my naturopath the winter season is when the adrenals have to run in high gear, so for those of us who are low on adrenals this time of year is taxing.
My brain the past month has just been flat lined. I've got nothing going on up here  right now. I wish I knew what caused my brain to shut off like this. I can't think, I can't remember, and I can't concentrate. Just lost in space....

I had my consult with my Hansa Doc a while back. I have some good numbers, so things are moving in the right direction! Blood work showed I needed Vit.D, and that's helped since I began taking it. The labs also showed a lower infection load in my system, that alone is great progress.
My saliva test results showed I had too much estrogen, testosterone, and dht in my system. All of this loops back to my adrenals struggling. He now has me taking a product to pull te excess out of my system.
My 24hr cortisol is significantly better than it was last it was tested. In the morning it's a little low, same at lunch, low normal afternoon, and normal at midnight. Overall I am not too far off from reaching normal range.
I still have to take some things for parasites, they are still present. No shock there.

I haven't felt too bad. Still have muscle fatigue and brain fog, which makes life hard. But I can manage.
I just wish I could get over this final hump and get back to normal!

Goings On

Hey friends, it's been a few weeks hasn't it

I don't have a great deal to report. I have been sickly with a cold or infection this past 4-6 weeks. It comes and goes, always in the sinuses. It also made my throat sore at one point and made my sides hurt at one point.
I have yet to be able to completely kill it off, I've been taking stuff for allergies and for pathogens. No change either way it just more less runs it's own course. Saltwater helped knockout the sore throat and sinus issues. But my nose is still running on and off through the day.

I guess for now I just live with it.
I also had Labs redone a few weeks ago, soon I'll be doing a phone consult with my doc in Kansas to see what's going on in my system. In the labs I also had adrenal and hormone tests run, so I will get some information on those also(which I'm excited to see).

Physically I have been stressed lately, school is dragging me down hard. I feel like I just don't have enough brain power to study and think like I need to. I read my studies and complete the assignments, but it's like I just can't get revved up to speed. Then I hit a wall and I can't do anything more.

So that alone has kept me in a constant state of slight aggravation...it takes me back to the "I just can't do enough" category...
I just keep telling myself, one day this won't be a problem. The only issue with that-I have stuff that must be done now.

Then today I had another lovely surprise...
I was driving home from a friends house, still in their neighborhood. I see a tan blur towards the front passenger side of the car, I gun it hard, and next thing I see is something slamming into my back window. The little beads of tempered glass seemed to have been flying almost as if in slow motion. A deer slammed the door of my car!!
That sucker had come right out of the woods, slammed my car, then walked off back to where he came from.
So that was my shock for the day :/

The good news is I gunned it, so it didnt go through the windshield and land in my lap. The damage isn't too bad, a busted window and a small dent in the door(which could probably just be popped out).

And because I didn't hit it head on, there was no sudden stopping or jerking. Which means no injury to me in any way. And that's the real blessing, that I am okay, because that was not a small deer. This deer(for the hunters out there reading), was for sure mounting size. It's one you would have had mounted to brag to your friends over. But, he or she(I didnt see antlers..but it may have had them) was no baby Bambi.

Once my frazzled brain calms down I'm going to sleep. I was worn out before this incident and I have work in the morning. This is gonna be fun.

And I'm off...

If anyone reading this post suffers from chronic disease, you will get everything im about to say. If you do not have a disease, just hold with me.

As you guys may know, learning to deal with chronic illness creates a new way of life. A patient must learn his limits, what's okay and what's just too over taxing. Here's a few examples-waking up in the morning, never open your eyes then proceed to stand up. A waiting period varying from 5 minutes to 45 minutes is needed to avoid possibly collapsing on the floor from low BP.
Thyroid hormone you see is what gives you your early morning energy first thing. Lyme disease however attacks your thyroid, making it dysfunctional. When the thyroid function dips, so will you.

Next-we've wokem up, blood pressure is now at a functioning level. We are standing up changing clothes, normal right? Well, no. Depending on the day we have joint, bone, and or muscle pain. Once clotures are changed, bodily fatigue is beginning.

And then after this processs we may want breakfast. Not always, sometimes the morning is just too blurry to eat. If we actually need to eat, something simple and small(but healthy, junk food causes it's own a symptoms) like an apple is all that is consumed. Maybe not even the whole apple depending on the day.

And that's a regular morning for someone like me. I wake up, lay there until I can get up, grab an apple, then go to work and smile.
Lately my joints rarely cause a problem, bones are fine, but muscles are tight and cold. So changing clothes is tiring to some degree.
I started stretching and exercising mildly, I have had tolerable improvement. I can't over do the exercise, been there done that. Never ends in my favor.
I started the mild exercise a three days ago I think, and today was notably harder than before to get down on the floor and expend energy.
I only do my routine for 5 minutes max.

Anyway, I think I got distracted.

Chronic illness changes what a person can do. I saw something recently, and it just triggered me.
I don't know of a better way of putting it, but it just hit me.

The post was a happy parent bragging about how amazing their kid is doing. Working and doing school am obnoxious amount of time and a 4.0gpa.
I'm sad the say the only thing I felt was depressed and sorry for myself. I feel like I have fought to the death for the energy I have to work and to get my not so great gpa.
I eat a special high nutrient diet with minimal chemicals and garbage, I have single handily kept the amazon supplements companies in business, and I have had to fight with adults since I was barely a teenager to even get recognition that I'm sick and need treatment.

I have the disease that leaves me looking almost normal and feeling like I'm physically dead.
I eat weird foods all the time and I look anorexic.

And this disease is surpassing breast cancer and HIV by longshots...
But none of us get recognized. None of us get treatment. The only people that care are the ones who have experienced it.

Holding Together, New things Ahead

Can you believe it, I have been writhing this blog for over a year now. I want to give a quick thank you to all of my readers! This blog would be pointless if it didn't reach anyone. I started it to share my story as a way to reach out to other suffering. It has done just that, so thank you all.

Next on the agenda, we have a new president. I don't care if you like him or not, we need to be praying for our leaders. We need to pray for the guidance to bring this country back to be an economic power, we need to pray that those in leadership positions who are corrupt-are removed from power, and we need to pray that this country will be a safer place for everyone.

Me-I'm doing well, many many ups and downs with me this past month or two. I am my hoping this is a sign my body is working itself back into a corrected balance, we will see.
My email update with my doctor in KS is long due...I have a hormone and andrenal panel test to do soon, I'll see what the doctor says in my update.
Recently I have had a lot of sinus symptoms-constantly running and also coughing. I just can't seem to shake it. I've knocked it down significantly but I can't knock it out...
Also tinnitus, my ears ringing has been much worse recently. I have no idea what has thrown this out, but presumably it's sinus related.
Sleep is staying in a good place, I'm sleeping hard and waking up isn't as much of a struggle most days. I'm so happy with that. Still has room for improvement but I can survive off this.
I am still trying to get myself to exercise. This almost cold weather absolutely destroys my muscles, my hands feel almost bruised. Everything is fine when I get in the sauna, I've been trying to sauna then stretch/exercise a little. We will see how this progresses.

I guess you could say I am content with my current state. I am working and doing a school without drowning. Still plenty of improvement to make, but I can live like this,

And on another note, I am ready Suzanne Somers book Breakthrough. It's fantastic, I love how it's loaded with information from actual doctors and a patient(Suzanne) but it's written for patients. It's not crazy hard to understand because it is for the patients, I love it.
It's loaded with good information on hormones, adrenals hormones are very interesting...there are so many. No wonder adrenal fatigue can throw a person into a tailspin!

Anyway, here's my words for the week haha