Mind Body Soul and Spirit

 How Do We treat Ourselves?

I think we often ignore that when it comes to "ourselves" or our "being" we are more than just a physical body. We have more than just our body to take care of, our life is about more than food and sleep. Are we healthy or are we sick?

The absence of disease is not the presence of health. 

Just because we are not feeling sick does not mean we are treating ourselves like we are meant to be treated. I know I have been going through this lately and have tried to ignore it. I have been talking to my mom about some of whats been going on in my world and the things that have been weighing me down. I have allowed a lot to accumulate, even though it was not on purpose and I thought I was making more progress than I was. I have been ignoring my spirit a lot, probably because it has been broken so many times in the past it is easy to push it away. People from the past still stick with me and it bothers me, its not just one person or one comment. Its a few things that haunt me, for whatever reason. I have prayed plenty on the subject but I am at the point where I need to be putting in more than just prayers, I need to find a therapist. 

We as a society look past our soul and spirit so much, we dont take care of them very well. Its easy to see why, if we dont have a safe place, we dont eat or drink-we die very quickly. Our spirits are more resilient than our body, it lasts through more abuse. But it cant last forever on abuse. I try my hardest to keep my relationship with God as it should be, but I make some mistakes that I prefer I didnt. I get angry and upset. My spirit has been damaged. I know it can be repaired, I just need to move it up my priority list.

Talking to my mom today made me really think about how much we forget to take care of ourselves, our whole being. 

March 2021 Update

 Good Evening!

It has been a little bit since I have said all that much. Up until February I had been doing very well.  I am not doing poorly but I could be doing a little better.

I have found myself constantly feeling wound up again with some anxiety. A month ago I had a full blown panic attack while driving, a few friends came over and checked on me. I was a mental wreck at that point. I haven't had a panic attack in a year or two, so I did not entirely recognize it coming on. I noticed it was feeling harder to breathe and I was starting to feel off. Then I noticed I would stop breathing and I could not make myself breathe, then the hyperventilating started. I knew exactly what was happening at that point. I made it home and just collapsed on the bathroom floor, like I used to do. Not exactly an old routine I wish to return too. The good news is the full blown panic attack was a single incident. The bad news is that the anxiety has been more frequent and I have stayed keyed up. 

When this starts to happen, I start loosing my memory and chunks of time become hard to recall. I really hate that, I work hard to relax and take care of myself. I try to find enjoyment in all I can, anxiety does too good of a job at taking that away. With anxiety comes the OCD, which means obsessions, and over thinking and staying awake all night. I really hate that. 

I know something is off when I start getting quieter and I find it harder to maintain a conversation. I start getting trapped in my own head. 

I have a lot of change coming up. I move at the end of this month to start grad school at the beginning of next month! I am very excited but I am a little scared, this will be my first time living away from home and living in an entirely new environment. I don't think thats the cause of whats thrown my balance off, but i'm sure its not helping it. 

In the last several weeks I have started using the Calm app and I really like it. I use it every night before bed and it does help. Sometimes it helps more than others. 

I know a lot of the things that have made me anxious are old things, from years ago. People, incidents, my health, things of that nature. I know I have to start working on this stuff, since obviously time didn't heal some things for me. The PTSD factor of lyme is still floating around I guess. It was about this time either 3 or 4 years ago that I ended up with scarlet fever that caused my panic disorder, so maybe its a mental anniversary thing for me.

I need to find a therapist. Its easy to ignore the bad and the old when im feeling great and doing all the things I want to be doing. Plus with staying busy, it makes it easier to ignore some things. I know better though, I just need to push myself to go to a therapist. I spoke to a friend of mine and she gave me some names, its my turn to start making phone calls and find what I need. Sometimes I forget how much my body has been through, the old traumas wont disappear overnight unfortunately. 

Dont get me wrong, I really have been doing well. I still go to the gym 3-4x a week and Im still eating better than a few years ago. Im just a little bit side tracked at the moment and need some sort of remediation.

In other news Im in Kansas for my usual March checkup. I see my doctor on Monday (two days from now) and I plan on having some loooong talks with him. I suspect he will have some solutions just like in the past, I am excited to make new progress. 

Campus Tour

 I Toured my Soon to be College Campus!

This morning was amazing! My mom and I went and toured my soon to be college, I will start in April. I was able to meet people and see the classrooms and apartments. It was great! The people on campus, staff and students were the nicest people. They all told their story briefly, and everyone of them had a story. The college, being a chiropractic school, is multinational big time. One of our guides was from Puerto Rico and another was from Berlin, Germany. One was raised by a chiropractor, the other had a neck injury when he was a teenager and was inspired when he was healed by a chiro. In Germany, he said there are only around 120 chiropractors for the whole country-so not very many at all. I bet theres that many within 75 miles of me LOL. 

I felt like I was around other people who got it, people who are living with a purpose and dedicated to helping others. All of the teachers on campus are either DC, MD, PHD or a combination. One teacher that toured us around was from Egypt, he was both an MD and DC. He did not entirely give his story, but he seemed very fascinated by people. 

One of our tour guides, we were her last tour before she graduates, she had a back injury when she was a teenager and took the medical route. It didn't work for her and she was miserable, she lived with her issues for a long time but when she reached her early 30's she decided to go back to school and ended up at this one. She told my mom and I how she was pushed into it all, by God, how it all just landed into place and how she ended up in the chiropractic field. Pretty much all of the students who spoke said similar, they felt that this is where they were supposed to be and it was not an accident. Imagine being around that many like minded people who all believe that they are actually serving a purpose, rather than living aimless!

Talking to this tour guid though, she almost made me cry. When I told her my story, and I was only able to share a fraction of it with her, all she said was "oh my God" and she got it. She could see all I had been through and didn't question it. And she said to me "you keep sharing your story and never stop. Remember your why. Share your story often, it will mean so much.".

I have never felt like this before, but I felt like someone put such a strong value on my purpose to help others. No one tried to critique it, question it or tell me there was something wrong. I always shy away from sharing my story too much, I don't want to over share or make it seem like I have been through more than the next person. I never want to let someone feel bellow me because their story is different from mine. But this lady made sure to show me, that I am adding a value rather than substituting someone else out. How often do you hear a doctor, not talking over or trying to explain why they are right and you are wrong?? The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear "doctor" is someone who is smart but not wise, someone who tends to be snotty and a bit holier than thou. I did not get that feeling at all with any of these people today. 

This was a way different feeling from my undergraduate, the whole campus. It was a lot cleaner, a lot friendlier, a bit smaller. It will be another hard journey, making it through and passing all the boards, but I can do it. I have to do it. The environment will be much more positive than my undergrad though, because the nice thing about grad school is that most everyone that is there, wants to be there. It is more than just a means to an end, its a foundational beginning. 

First Decade with Lyme

 Ten Years Today!

On this day, ten years ago was when my life changed and I learned what it meant to be seriously ill. I broke my arm, had lyme in my body (unknowingly) and my health spiraled from there on out.

UNTIL I went to the lyme clinic in Kansas. Today, I feel like I am just as happy and just as able bodied as before I was sick. I feel great, I do all kinds of activities these days. Im still pushing at the gym, even though progress is slow. I go to visit my soon-to-be graduate school this weekend to see where Ill be living for the next four years of my life starting in April. 

I have a lot to look forward too outside of my health these days. Not every lyme patient is given this fortunate of an opportunity to move on with their life. I still take supplements, I take some things for autoimmune and for methylation and sleep. Which may seem like a lot, but considering these items work well enough that one skipped day makes me feel different, I feel like they count for a lot. 

I had a set of labs done in mid December 2020, my ANA was checked (autoimmune factors) plus standard CBC and lipids. I still have no cholesterol, that one stumps my lyme doctor to no end. He's given me stuff for my stomach/gallbladder/liver and changed things over and over and my body refuses to make cholesterol. My ANA is going down, its at the lowest it can be without being negative-which is fantastic. ANA may never test negative again, but as long as I feel well and the markers are rock bottom I do not really have anything to care about. I take two Apex Energetics products, Trizomal Glutathione and Nitric Balance and personally I think those two items are what have pushed my autoimmune down to a safe level. I still have kept on a regular dose on these two items, I have yet to drop down to a maintenance dose.

I run pretty hard, between my mildly questionable sleep schedule, work stress (recently quit my job of 5.5 years-but thats a story for another day), projects, the gym, planning for grad school and having a social life-I don't keep much down time. I enjoy staying busy because I was not able to for so long in my life. BUT with this, comes a price, I have  to take care of my body. I have to take my vitamins, I have to put myself in bed by a decent time in the evening, and I have to limit junk food. I also have to manage stress (people without chronic illness could be doing better in this category too!). If I stay consistent with these items I feel great and life is good. 

Yes I still have occasional days where I am not motivated and I do not want to do anything, but I attribute it to running hard more so than lyme. I do not have aches and pains associated with lyme, dizziness has been gone forever. 

Ten years ago, if someone said I was one day going to be going to chiropractic school to become a doctor because I had struggled with pain and disease for so long I wouldn't have believed it. I wanted to do some sort of sports, I wanted to get a degree in marine biology after high school. Instead I am going an entirely different direction in my life and I love it. 

I look back and this time has gone by so quickly, but I have not forgotten how terrible some of it was. I remember a few years ago how painful my anxiety and OCD was, that time period feels like it lasted forever. I was seriously afraid that would never end, that was a nightmare and nothing more. The early years with lyme, I spent trying to convince my parents and doctors that I had lyme and what having lyme meant. That was a long process in itself, its a complicated disease to explain to someone whose never had this sort of health issue. I am convinced, through my uncountable conversations with others about health, that lyme and co-infections are a category all in their own. Its not like cancer, it can be similar to autoimmune disease but at the same time it can be the cause of autoimmune, its different from thyroid disorders, its not even close to diabetes-just for some examples. 

I have so so much to be grateful for, my teachers, especially my psych teachers in college. They taught me so much on what it means to be able to manage stress and why its important. My whole journey has taught me about being compassionate and caring for others. 

Im glad im going into the next decade feeling like I have a sturdy ground to stand on, and I have God to thank for that more than anything else. 

Five Years Online

 Thankfulness

It just occured to me that last month was the 5th birthday of my blog! I cannot believe I have been writing for this long and that people actually read what I share.

I have so much to be grateful for, my life has changed for the positive significantly.

This week has been good for me for the most part but some friends of mine have not had as great of a Thanksgiving week. My neighbor died early this morning, this man had been like an extra grandparent to me but due to his declining health over the last few years we have seen him less and less. Another neighbor, who recently moved away, called us a week or two ago and told my mom how bad the neighbor had gotten and that he had reached the point where it may be better for him to pass on rather than hold on. That is always tragic news to hear, on one hand it sounds cold but on another it does make sense. Us believers have no reason to fear death, the Bible has told us many times over that we will have more to be grateful for in the next life than we ever will have on this earth. Still, the change and loss for my neighbors family will be very great this Christmas season. 

Another friend of mine, her grandmother died a few days ago. She said they were not terribly close but it was still sad. She said they had a lot of fond memories from when she was little. Again, a very sad season to lose someone. Her grandmother had been in poor health for months and the doctors in the hospitals could never come to a conclusion. 

This whole year seems like it has been filled with loss and limits. Don't do this, you can't do that. People have lost their lives, and people have lost friends due to the growing anger in the world.

I continue to count my blessings and remember all the things I have to be grateful for. I am very thankful that my family and friends have all been healthy for the most part. I am grateful I have not lost anyone this year and I pray that this holds true next year as well. 

I Got In

 I Have Some News!!!

Last week I recieved an important phone call, the person on the other line gave me some very important news that I have long awaited for. Today I received a letter in the mail, and I could finally see the good news in black and white.

I got into graduate school!! I will begin attending chiropractic school next year! My opportunity to officially join the alternative health community has happened, I will be more than the technician and a phone call answerer that I am now!!

I applied for the Spring Quarter starting in April of 2021, but the admissions lady that called me extended the invite to join the school in January instead. I have no yet given her my choice, its only been a few days, but I will probably hold out and start in April. I would love love love to start sooner, but I shouldn't rush into things and change my original plans. I have some things I need to do before I dedicate my life to school even more than I already have. I want to visit some friends, I want to do some traveling (though the current state of the world may inhibit that...) and I want to enjoy time off from formal education for a little bit.

For those who are not familiar with how the standard chiropractic program operates, it is 14 quarters. Roughly 9 weeks on with 1 week breaks in between each quarter, year round-with a little extra time at Christmas. The first two years are much like medical school, lots of science courses-read...THE hard courses. The last two years, adjustments, techniques, radiology and the like are taught. Again, its not easy anywhere along the way, but from what i'm told its just like undergrad. Some classes will be long and painful, others will be fairly easy (again. in comparison). Ive talked to some chiropractors around town about their education process, one man whose been in the business for a couple decades said when he went to chiropractic college it was a 12 quarter program, or roughly 3 years instead of 4-it has become more dense and difficult in the modern day. 

I am so, so proud of my lyme doctor for helping me reach this point in my life. When I was in high school, my parents pushed me to duel enroll in college, because in my state it is free college-the state pays it. I remember being absolutely miserable. My brain fog was in full swing, class was a blur, the teachers were great but I physically and mentally just barely made it through. And that was freshman classes, not hard classes yet!

Now here I am excited and ready to jump into a graduate program which I already know will be more intense and I cannot wait. I feel like I am already ready and prepared, good to go! I don't really dread it, knowing that it will be intense and will wear me out at times. I just cannot believe I have reached the point in my life where I can be excited for school and want to do more.

I have so, so, so much to be grateful for. My health, my clear (enough) brain, my energy, my physical strength, my family, my support system, my doctor, my drive (def. from God, not from me), my ability to realize that  what I have been given time and time again is a gift from God. I have made it a long way, sometimes I had to be pushed, sometimes I was pushing myself.

New Era

The beginning of a new era is on my calendar. In the past, oftentimes things in the future were scary, this time it's exciting. I have one more trip planned to go see my lyme doctor in March, the way I feel right now I probably could skip it and keep going but due to the nature of the schooling I do not know when I will have free time again to take a week or so to fly out to Kansas. So March it is!

I will of course continue to write here, I know I have been fairly quiet. If I am not mistaken google has pushed the blogger platform back some and made it less advertised online, so I know my posts on this platform are not as shared as they once were from standard google searches. But even so, I will continue to journal and share the things I learn along the way. I started this blog to catalogue my life, I see no reason to stop just because I am feeling better. I have seen so many lyme blogs end abruptly with no reason given, and you never know what happened. Did they get better? Did they stay better? Did they actually get their life back or was it only an improvement?

I want to show what it is like to beat chronic lyme and keep going with my life.

I was telling my dear friend that I feel that with this acceptance, I can actually accept this dream rather than fear losing it. Because with chronic disease, it can be so hard to dream for fear of getting let down again. 

Anyway, just wanted to share my most recent good news!!

Fall Update 2020

 Happy October!

Well. I guess its pretty much November at this point, but either way I finally made it back to writing a post. 

In short, life is good! Ive tried to make that my catchphrase, cause now that I am on the other side, I can see that most "problems" aren't really problems. Little things can add up and make for a stressful day, yes, but its important to just move on when the day is over. Write it out, pray on it, keep swimming.

One of my friends has commented towards me several times that I am "fearless", from things that I see as little things that did not stress me out or bother me. I was with this friend recently, in his car, and we got hit by a deer at 10:30pm. I saw it, he didn't. My heart never even raced, I just turned to him and said "we hit a deer". He however, pretty flustered!

I think we all know I am not fearless, go back about a year or two's of posts and my fears are painted all over. But my coping and perspective on the world has expanded, and with my health becoming more "normal" my mind and my body match. I know today's problem, will not be tomorrow's problem.

I have noticed working with others with chronic disease, stress management is something they ignore time and time again. Whereas for me, stress management I think ended up being one of my pieces of treatment. 

Stress is terrible for the immune system. Remember that.

The Gym

I still hit it hard at the gym 4-5 times a week consistently! Just being able to do this still  makes me happy, because I couldn't exercise at all for a long portion of my life. Years. Now I can jump in and try new things. I am getting stronger. Weight gain is slow and mildly plateaued, that is one of my current projects I am working on breaking through. I eat more now than a year ago for sure, which is huge for me! I eat a ton more now than two years ago. While I am grateful, I must say, I still need to eat more. I should be eating 2300 cal a day minimum. I probably eat 1700 a day, maybe less some days. Which is better than the 800-1100 previous, but still gotta keep at it!

I have made enough progress at the gym now that friends notice and people can tell I am working on making my body stronger. Whenever someone says that they can see a difference, I know I am doing what I am supposed to and I am finally making visible, tangible progress on my body that the outside world can see. 

School

One month left and I will have my bachelors in psychology!! I could not be more excited. I made straight A's in my summer courses and received a letter from the school, I forget what they called it, but I made the next rank up above Deans List for the summer semester! I am SOOOOO close to doing that again one last time for my semester now. I think I can pull it off, but I still have some work to do. 

I have applied to grad school, just waiting on some responses! I have strongly considered doing my Masters in psychology as well as my doctorate in chiropractic. The amount of courses is a bit overwhelming to think about, but I think one day I will go through with it and have both degrees. Chiropractic is the first priority.

Life

I would say life is good, I am happy. I have bits of depression here and there but its always temporary. I still use the sauna and I eat healthy. I do morning smoothies with veggies, berries and protein almost every day! I did have a bout of anxiety a few weeks ago which was out of the blue, no particular reason that I know of but it just happened. I made sure I was conscious of my eating and sleeping, it passed on its own without any extra effort. When our bodies are treated right, issues can begin to solve themselves! As someone whose had to take a supplement or three for everything over the last...almost decade, I appreciate my body doing the work for me without the need for one more pill.

It is nice spending my week like a "normal" person, thinking about work, school, which friend or two will I get to spend time with, how much time will I have at the gym. I know I have written in the past about how I hated having to dedicate my life to pill taking, doctors visits, struggling with anxiety and OCD shaping my days. It is nice going to work and otherwise being able to use my time as I wish. 

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a solid friend group that I love and appreciate, work is going alright, I am about to finish my first degree, my body is functioning well! I count my blessings often, cause I know how bad life can be